Check out this blog...

Click on the title.

Seriously, I'm not even through the first page and I'm nodding like a maniac. This woman is a food addict with an alcoholic mother.

Her post last Thursday, titled Urges? OMG, that's me.

I'm going back to read more...

Thursday's Menu

Br: Smoothie (1/4 cup sweet potato, 1/4 cup ff plain yoghurt, 1 tablespoon ground flax, 3 strawberries, 1/2 banana, 1/2 cup skim milk, 1/4 cup egg white, and vanilla, banana & coconut extract)

Lu: Brocslaw egg white omellet, leftover steamed cabbage

Sn: not sure yet... could be paper bag popcorn and a cuppa tea

Dn: buffalo salsbury steak, rice, steamed cauliflower & package gravy

Jillian Michaels SHREDDED my ass!

Click on the title to see the DVD that kicked my ass today. And I only did level one!

Seriously, if you were to sit down and watch it, you'd think "meh, no problem", but you'd be WRONG!!! It's BRUTAL.

My "Just for Today" was to do a 30 minute workout and to sweat doing it. So when I learned that the workout on this DVD was only 20 minutes, I committed to take the dogs around the block after, for an additional 20 minutes of low impact. Except that the DVD kicked my ASS and that was the LONGEST around the block since I started this journey!

Seriously! I thought I was going to collapse!! My legs are jello, and here I am with two little demons demanding a walk... my own fault, I got them excited by saying it out loud. Still! Luckily, I use the brilliant umbilical tethering when I walk them. So I just let them drag me around the block by the leashes tied to my walking belt. My arms couldn't have carried the weight of those leashes if you had paid me.

I'm supposed to do 20 minutes a day, five days a week, for 30 days. I don't know if I'll make it to tomorrow, ffs!!

My plan today:

Br: Protien smoothie (1/4 cup egg white, 1/2 banana, 1/4 cup sweet potato, 1/2 cup milk, 3 strawberries, vanilla and banana extract, 1 tablespoon ground flax)

Lu: Salmon, Spinach Salad (2 oz spinach, 2 oz brocslaw, 1/4 cup craisins, 1 tbspn asiago, 1/2 oz snow peas, 1/2 ounce orange pepper, 3 tbsp cottage cheese, dill, cilantro)

Sn: apple, cinnamon, 1/4 cup yoghurt, 1/4 cup fibre1

Dn: pork loin, rice, steamed broccoli & cauliflower

Dn: paper bag popcorn.

GAME ON!!!

Okay, folks... I am back with a vengeance!

I had a WONDERFUL food vacation, and mission accomplished, I can't WAIT to get back to healthy choices and eating to satisfaction! My body feels sluggish and blah, and needs to rev back up to it's fine tuned self.

So what's on YOUR menu for today??

Br: Smoothie in my new blender! (1/4 cup egg white, 1/2 cup ff plain yoghurt, 1 cup skim milk, 1/2 frozen banana, 3 frozen strawberries, 1/4 cup frozen blueberries, 1 tablespoon ground flax, 1 tsp olive oil, dash of vanilla extract)

Lu: Salad (2 oz spinach, 2 oz brocslaw, 1 oz imitation crab, 1/4 cup craisins, 1 tblsp shredded romano)

Sn: 1/2 cup cottage cheese

Sn: apple

Dn: curried chicken burger & 1 cup smashed yam w/ sf maple syrop

Sn: pomegranate

Holy Crappers!

When I food vacation, I do it RIGHT! I'm actually naseaus this morning at the thought of anything remotely unhealthy. And I gave myself until Monday. So for today, definately healthier choices, without being uber strict if I don't want to.

The things I ate yesterday... check this out:

Br: custard oatmeal
Sn: 1 whole flax bagel, both sides coated in 1/4 avocado & ff processed cheese then toasted
Lu: bbqpork tv dinner & 1 chimichanga coated with ff plain yoghurt
Sn: 1/4 cup cottage cheese, bag of jellybeans that was weighting my balloon
Dn: A&W Papa burger, plain with extra cheese, onion rings, diet root beer
Sn: Peanut Buster Parfait

Nevermind the TWO Keg prime rib & lobster dinners I had this week, plus all the dim sum, bread, pizza, Wendy's Bacon Mushroom Melt & a Frosty & cookies galore. Oh, and a package of Wasabi peas that have been in the cupboard for weeks. I couldn't bring myself to spare the calories normally, so I took the opportunity to eat them while on food vacation. Plus I had major popcorn with real butter.

For the most part, I still drank my water. But I haven't excercised at all.

Duuuuuuuuude. Craziness.

I was 151 on the scale this morning. I'll have most of that off by next week, and then will be able to continue on with my journey.

But I've had fun!! And more importantly, I've reminded myself WHY choosing to eat healthier is better. My body feels like a garbage bucket.

Sneaking in to say HI...

and flouncing back out to go eat something not so healthy. Why? Cuz I CAN!!

Actually, truth be told, I'm starting to really crave a spinach salad. This means my plan is working, and I'm getting all the unhealthy obsessions out of my mind for a few months again!

I'm officially declaring...

... a food vacation. I've completely blown this week, what with having mummy here, and just choosing to indulge in things I don't normally. And since I have been ultra strict with myself, I decided to throw it out for this week, and just enjoy myself.

Monday morning I'll be back in the game. Until then... will I excercise? Only if I feel like it. What will I eat? Who knows! Whatever strikes my fancy! Will I count calories? Nope. But will I be concious of the calories anyways? Oh you know I will. So will I be unconciously careful anyways? At least 70% of the time... lol.

This is my life. I choose to enjoy it... in increments. Food vacations let me blow off steam, and allow me to eat sensibly 90% of the time.

It works for me.

2 days of 30 left

Okay, I think I am truly officially freaking out now. I went and picked my mother up from the airport, which means she is here to celebrate my birthday with me. Very cool side note: this will be the first birthday we have been together since the day I was born.

I woke up at 6 this morning, thinking about my party, who's going to be there, and especially about who's not going to be there (and no, Mag, I don't mean you, we are good). A lot of reflection for so early in the morning.

Mom gave me my birthday present early. It's a library of workout DVD's!! Two more of the crazy Indian woman belly dance one I have, and LOVE. A three disc set of more intense belly dancing. A totally cool looking hard rock/punk aerobic dance one, and Jillian's workout!!! So stoked! Not sure which I will want to do first!! I'm thinking my neice will want to do the belly dancing with me. I think we can have some great bonding time over it. Learn it together.

Damn. 40. Why is this so hard? I have been really optimistic, saying the right things, walking the right paths... and all of a sudden, this week, I'm a blithering mess. I don't get it!! I know how fortunate I am. I know how healthy I am. I know how far I've come. I know how hard I worked to get here healthy both in body and mind. So why am I being SUCH a freak??? I can placate myself till the cows come home, but I still have a little me inside that is screaming at the top of her lungs something about "the hill". Gah!!

On a positive note, I jumped on the scale this morning and it read 144.8lbs. Woot!! When I get on my computer (I'm on the kid's one, since mom is sleeping in the office and I type like I'm punching a manual typewriter still... see? I am old!), I'll check, but I think that's my lowest yet.

I did my WI today, in case I decide to indulge a bit while out with Mummy today. I've been crazy diligent all week, fighting the cookie monster that lives within. We have a thread on the FoodTalk forum on weightwatchers.ca called Just For Today. ALL this week has been about the damn cookies. Yesterday, I won! YESSSSSSSSS.

Oh, another NSV? Mom was hungry when we got out of the airport, and it was 10 at night. I kinda figured she would be as she is usually a nightmare traveler when it comes to managing her foods, and besides it had been five hours since I had eaten and I knew I was going to be hungry again, so I had saved a couple hundred calories "just in case". Sure enough, it was a good plan. We went to Denny's. You know what I had? Oatmeal. No sugar, no milk, just a glass of water and plain oatmeal. Woot! Wasn't that great though, because apparently they salt the SHIT out of the water. Ptooo! But I was hungry, so I ate it anyways, and I resisted loading it with crap. It's all part of my "food can be fuel, and doesn't always have to taste awesome", mindset.

Well, it's going to be a good day. Mom and I are hitting Costco. Other than that, we don't really have any plans for the day. I want to go and kiss my neice (the little one). She turns seven today. My little baby girl is growing up too fast. She's the baby of the family, and definately not a baby anymore!! It's funny, I don't talk to her about my age because she is convinced that 40 is right next to death. When she had asked how old I was going to be, I told her and she clutched my hand, looked up at me with an angst ridden face and blurted "but I don't want you to die, Aunty!!" Good Lord!! How disconcerting is THAT??? LOLOLOL

Off Topic: Gum Boots. I'm going to get some today I think. This is a big step. And I kinda feel silly even saying it, but here goes. I have HUGE issues with gum boots. As a little girl, all the other little girls had pretty yellow or pink or purple gum boots. Mine? Handmedowns from my brothers. Black with red toes and soles. You know the ones I mean. I HATED them. I would have rather been soaking wet. Hmmm, now that I say that, I wonder if that's where my "I don't melt" attitude stems from. I'd rather be wet than wear ugly boots??? Maybe. Anywho, I have quite frankly always wanted pretty gum boots, but of course it's just in recent years that they have become popular in adult sizes. Now I'm ready to face this demon (the gum boot demon... how stupid is that??) and put it behind me and buy some fun / pretty gum boots for ME. *pant pant pant* Freaks me out. WHY??? I'm such a boob this week, I tell ya. Why the hell is it so hard for me to let go of a stupid gum boot issue??? What is it about human nature than makes us want to hold on to our hurt and pain so we can pull it out and go "see? see?"? Why is it easier to hang on to it, and have it twist our souls rather than grab the fix and let it go??

It's about more than gumboots, isn't it? I'm thinking it might be... rofl. Geeez. Betcha you had no idea what you were getting into, reading this blog today. Little did YOU know what warped paths it would meander down into my psyche.

I wonder if my parents will be thinking of me on my birthday? How could they not? (for those that don't know, they disowned me when I had a bastard child at 17. It was their final straw on a horrid rocky period between us.) I hope they just wish me well, as I do them. I hope they have let go of the hurt and pain, and are able to look back and see some of the good that was my childhood. I hope they are well.

I think I'm purged. For now. I'm looking around trying to figure what else to write about. Which means my brain is cleared out for the moment. Thanks for taking the time to read this mess, and not judging me to be insane or worse... I hope... lol.

Oh, I guess I should blog my day, huh? With Mom here, it's hard to say how close my plan will be stuck to:

Br: egg white omelette, 1/4 cup yoghurt, strawberries, 1/4 cup fibre1
Lu: spinach salad w/ craisins, orange pepper, egg white
Sn: apple? carrots? Not sure if I'll even be home, so could be Starbucks, too.
Dn: maybe chicken breast, steamed cauliflower, couscous salad?
Sn: wine, wine, wine!!

Happy Friday, everyone. Make it a good one.

I am FIGHTING

I have a sabotaging urge for some reason! It's the weirdest thing, and I'm fighting it tooth and nail.

I plan on wearing a very form fitting outfit on Saturday to my costume birthday party, so it is very important to me right now that I stay completely OP. And yet every fibre of my being wants to eat all the goodies I can! I actually have to fight the urge to run to the store and buy a Klondike bar and a bag of baked Dill Pickle chips!

WTF???

*deep breath*

I am stronger than the urge to eat unneccessarily.

*deep breath*

I do not NEED those foods, they are a want that is sabotaging, and I will not cave.

*deep breath*

I CAN and WILL stay OP.

Now, off to munch on a pomegranate. Keeps the fingers AND the mouth busy for very few calories! And has incredible health benefits. MUCH more than Klondike bars and baked chips.

Wednesday's Fuel

Good Morning!
Br: 1 cup ff plain yoghurt, dash banana extract, kiwi, strawberries, 1/4 cup fibre1
Lu: buffalo burger in a spinach salad with craisins (pts)
Sn: apple
Sn: brown bag popcorn
Dn: chicken breast, sweet potato, swiss chard
Sn: 1/2 pomagranate

Taking Measurements is IMPORTANT!!!

My weight has stayed relatively the same between August and now, but I just did my measurements again to find that I've lost a further four inches off my body! Here I thought I was maintaining, and that was it... HA!

I put on my favourite jeans yesterday, to find that I can stick my whole fist sideways in the waistband. Hm. Then today, my favourite workout pants felt weird. I haven't worn them for a couple of weeks. They feel loose, uncomfortably so.

I've lost another whole inch and a half in my waist. I now have a 32 inch waist!! In the last three months I've lost 4.5 inches, while not losing weight!

Here's my numbers (cuz I wanna brag). Remember, I started my journey in February 07.

Chest: 45.25 --> 39
Arm: 14.5 --> 11.5
Neck: 15.25 --> 13.5
Waist: 43.5 --> 32
Hips: 47.75 --> 38.5
Thigh: 25.5 --> 22.5

I've lost a total of 34.75 inches off my body. Whoa!!

I cannot stress enough to you how important it is to face that tape measure at the beginning of your journey. There were soooo many times that I was disappointed and felt like I was getting nowhere, only to take my measurements and float on a cloud. I took them only every three months or so. It wasn't something I kept top of mind by any means. I saved it for when I really really needed that confidence boost that I was going in the right direction, even if I couldn't see it in the mirror or on the scale.

*shakes fist*

DAMN sweets!! PMS brings on the sugar cravings that cannot be denied. Then for the next week I suffer pangs and cravings and do my best not to give in but invariably fail, only to get the cravings under control and stop the sweets for two weeks to be hit with PMS all over again.

Today, an oatmeal raisin cookie at Safeway. I had sworn off the maple cookies, and even posted it on the "just for today" thread on FoodTalk. And I succeeded! No maple cookies passed these lips today! But I did not SAY oatmeal raisin, now DID I??

Gah!!

Fuel and discovery, extrodinaire!

Br: 1/2 bagel, 1 mushroom, 1/4 cup egg white, 1/4 avocado, 1 tablespoon Romano cheese
Lu: salmon, spinach salad
Sn: 1/2 cup cottage cheese, apple
Dn: buffalo salsbury steak w/ gravy, rice, steamed broccoli


You will note a new addition to my repitoire. Romano Cheese. Oh yeah, baby. So much of what I am reading says cut the "diet" crap and spend the calories on small amounts of the good stuff.

So I was in the grocery store, staring at all the cheeses, and realized that I am woefully ignorant on flavours of cheese! So I asked the lady next to me which one would be a good strong one for my pasta (actually, my spaghettie squash with the blue menu primavera sauce, which I highly HIGHLY recommend). My choices (based on sodium, fat, and calorie labels) had come down to Parmesan, Asiago, and Romano. She tells me that Parmesan is the mildest, and it's a toss up between the Asiago and the Romano. Except the Asiago was way higher in something... can't remember what, so I took the Romano.

YUM OH YUM! For one tablespoon it's 18 calories, 1.3g fat, 57mg sodium, and it's got a nice strong flavour so you don't need tons. One tablespoon compliments a meal beautifully.

I had it this morning on my omellete sandwich, replacing the usual slice of plastic ff processed crap. NO comparison!

In other news about me (cuz it's all about me, isn't it? Well, this blog is, anyways...) I'm not feelin the excercise thing lately. Wasn't sure why. Then I did a self inventory and realized that I'm kinda feeling "off". Explored a little deeper and WHAM it hit me. I have five days left in my 30's.

I can't say that it bothers me... that's too strong a word. Let's just say that I am VERY aware that I am turning 40 on Sunday. 40. Remember when 40 was ANCIENT? Now I'm doing everything I can to convince myself it is still young. "It's the new 30." What?? It's 40, no matter how you slice it. The only reason it's the "new 30" is because medical advancements have added ten years on our life expectancy. But 40 years is still 40 years for crying out loud. What a stupid statement. Really, it's just made up to placate people that are freaking out.

Not that I'm freaking out. Okay, maybe a little. But I have the right, dammit! I'm turning 40! Why the hell CAN't I freak out a little bit? It's MY 40th, and I can do as I damn well please!

Not that it pleases me... I can't seem to help it, actually. I've told myself all the good stuff. All my people have done their damnedest to placate me with all the positive speak. But as a wise soul told me recently, sometimes you need to let yourself freak out a little bit, so you can mourn it and move on in a healthier mindset than when you just stuff it. Right? RIGHT?????

Gah! I could go on forever here but I won't. I'm off to my corner. Tomorrows a new day. Except that tomorrow I will have only 4 days until I'm 40.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!

Friday Fuel and Discovery

Friday's are always a convenience meal, because I'm doing Chinese delivery. So McDonald's fajitas have been my poison of choice. But the sodium! It's always in the red on Friday's.

Today I researched on the McDonald's website and found that if I trade one of my fajitas for a fruit and yoghurt parfait, not only do I save sodium I also save calories, and add to my fibre!

So here is today's fuel:

Br: 1/4 cup egg white omellete with mushroom, tomato and onion (note: no cheese!), 1/2 cup yoghurt and a glass of milk to take my vitamins

Lu: buffalo burger salad, with spinach, brocslaw, olives, onion and dill dressing mixed with mustard (note: 2 tablespoons is only 28 calories, and that's a full liquid ounce!)

Sn: 1/2 cup cottage cheese w/ ground flax and an apple

Sn: couscous w/ avocado, tomato & 2 teaspoons olive oil

Dn: McDonald's chicken fajita and fruit & yoghurt parfait

Workout today was 25 minutes of step aerobics on the supersized step.

Calories in: 1410

Thursday Fuel

Br: 1/4 cup egg white omellete with mushroom, onion & tomato. 1/2 cup plain ff yoghurt w/ drops of banana and coconut extract. Glass of milk with vitamin.

Lu: Chicken breast on salad with my dressing and black olives.

Sn: 1/2 cup cottage cheese, ground flax & sliced cucumber

Sn: paper bag popcorn

Dn: pork chop, couscous salad, steamed cabbage

Sn: 3 oz wine, 1/2 cup chocolate pudding

Tuesday's Fuel Commitments

What's your fuel today?

Br: 1/2 bagel, 1/4 avocado, 1/4 tomato, 1/4 cup egg white, 1 mushroom, 1 tablespoon ff cheddar (omellette on bagel) with a glass of milk

Lu: 2.5 oz steak, 2 oz imitation crab, 1oz spinach, 1 oz brocslaw, 1 tablespoon core fresh garlic dill dressing I made, 1 tsp mustard, with a pear for dessert

Sn: .5 cup cottage cheese, 1 tablespoon ground flax, dash of Frank's hot sauce

Dn: chicken brease, tomato avocado couscous salad, steamed cauliflower

Sn: pomegranite

Vitamin: check
Water: 2 litres
Activity: 40 minute walk, 40 minutes yoga

Look what I can do!!

I made a creamy dill garlic dressing today!

Sam and I were going through the salad dressings and were blown away by the HFCS and the sodium levels. Just cuz it's fat free, doesn't mean it's a healthier option!!! So I made it a mission to find an alternative that I could eat and enjoy. I don't do non-creamy dressings, just don't like them.

Logan liked my dressing so much, he thinks I should sell it to Save-On... LOL. I'm thinking more like to folks that work and don't have time to make such things for themselves! Sam got me thinking about it when I said "it would be super easy, I'm sure" and she reminded me that with her busy schedule, the last thing she has time for is to research and create a new recipe! I'll let ya'll know how it goes. If it's yummy, I'm willing to make it up and sell it to those of us that want the healthy option WITH convenience.

Here's the ingredients in order of most to least (although the first two are equal): fat free sour cream, fat free plain yoghurt, olive oil, fresh dill, fresh parsley, freeze dried dill, garlic, pepper.

And nutritional info?

Serving Size 1 tablespoon
Calories 14
Total Fat 0.5 g
Saturated Fat 0.1 g
Trans Fat 0 g
Cholesterol 1 mg
Sodium 10 mg
Total Carbohydrate 2 g
Dietary Fiber 0 g
Sugars 1 g
Protein 1 g
Vitamin A 0 µg
Vitamin C 0 mg
Calcium 24 mg
Iron 0 mg

Whatca Eatin?

Today's Fuel:

Br: 1/2 bagel, 1/4 cup egg white, 1/4 avocado, 1 mushroom, 1 tablespoon ff cheddar, glass of milk
Lu: leftover bbq steak, salad
Sn: cottage cheese, banana, ground flax
Dn: leftover Chinese Casserole over whole wheat pasta

So THAT's why I crave chocolate...

... pms.

I made ff sf chocolate pudding last night and ended up eating the whole damn thing. It just tasted sooo good. Afterwards I went to the computer and sure enough, my period is due this weekend.

This means not a great WI, which is okay, because between my weekend and chinese food on Tuesday, and now the entire box of pudding... there wasn't going to be a great one anyways.

Feeling kinda bitchy and "whatever" right now. Harumph.

Chinese Food

... is sooo good! Although I cringe at the thought of how much sodium I ate last night.

I'll have to get Sammy to blog about her cupcakes, too. They were AMAZING. I don't know how many points or calories, but really cheap for cupcakes, and they were delish!

Today I'm stoked to have a healthy food day! It seems like each week has three not great ones, which stalls me. Saturday being at 147, I don't want another gain.

To counteract the sodium, I'll be drinking tons of water today.

Br: 1/2 flax bagel, 1/4 cup egg white, 1/4 avocado, 1 tsp capers, 1 slice ff cheese w/ glass of milk & vitamins
Lu: leftover kitchen sink sauce & ww pasta, 1/2 cup of each
Sn: 1/2 cup cottage cheese, kiwi, 1 tbsp ground flax
Dn: chicken breast, steamed cauliflower & broccoli
Sn: paper bag popcorn

Hmm. That is only 1050 calories. I'll need to find another 300 or so to eat.

I'll do about 40 min on the treamill today, and take the dogs for a 40 minute walk, too.

Have a good day, anyone around to read this!

4th of the 4th!

So I sort of blognapped this tag from Pheonix Rising... LOL! And in turn I'm TAGGING ALL OF YOU!!!

Here's the deal, go to the 4th photo folder in your computer, and attatch the 4th photo in it!

This one is Logan, my birthday boy (15 today!) working on his foods project at the end of last year. His project that got an A, by the way!

Monday AGAIN?

Every Monday it's the same thing... I revert back to my healthy eating for the week, doing damage control for the weekends indulgences. It's a cycle, isn't it?

Ah well, it works for me... lol. I still get to indulge in pizza and chips, and maintain my body weight and still be fit. When you look at it that way, life is good!

I don't track my weekends in NutriMirror. I'm using the program for educating myself with my healthy eating, not my unhealthy eating. I know it's bad, nutritionally. That's why I dont' eat it during the week! And why I don't go stupid crazy on weekends! Only... half stupid crazy, lol.

Today I switched up my breakfast: 1/4 cup egg whites, 2 tbsp ff cheese, 1/2 cup brocslaw, 3 mushrooms, 1/2 tsp sesame oil and soy sauce, all in the fry pan. Washed down with a glass of milk. Was lovely! And very low in calories and cholesterol while being high in protein.

Thou Shalt Not...

... eat like a pig for three days and think the scale won't shake it's finger at you!

147.2 this week.

But it's not near "shoot me"! And with my plan on NutriMirror (cue cheezy music), I'm definately fine with this! Between the two turkey dinners, with desserts, the beef dip on Saturday, the chips and the rest, I was not shocked to see the scale go up.

Plus (TMI), I have been eating bananas so haven't pooped in three days. I need me some apple sauce. Or prunes. Mmmmm, prunes. *adds to shopping list*

Life Decisions...

Ya'll are aware (obviously) that I have made many changes in my life in this quest for healthy and longevity. Ya'll are also aware that I am turning 40 WAY too soon. WAY too soon. But I digress... (WAAAAY too soon)

I have been thinking about something for a few months now, and have finally come to a decision that is for ME.

Drum roll please...

I'm giving up smoking of any kind.

Yup. You heard me.

Although, I will put this disclaimer: Merritt doesn't count.

I'm turning 40, and yes, I'm wigging out a little bit. But I just keep telling myself that I'm at least in the best health I've ever been in my entire life. I am dedicated to my body, and making this damn thing last as long as possible.

So in order to squeeze out another couple of years, I'm giving up putting smoke in my lungs. It actually won't be hard. I've only consumed once since the wedding. And before that it had been a few weeks. So it's not like I'm chronic and this is a big deal to me.

But here's where you shmokers come in. I need your help in one area. Can I please ask that when we are partying together, you not make me aware that it's an option?

I'm hoping that ya'll can support me in this decision, as I was supported when I quit cigarrettes, and as I was supported when I quit junk food (not sure which was harder, since I still slip with the odd cheeseburger here and there but haven't had a cigarrette in ... 19 months).

I don't want anyone to think that this is in reaction to anyone else's decisions/thoughts/process'. I'm being completely honest when I tell you that I have been thinking about this for a while. At least three months, if not longer. I want to do this for me. I want to live longer and healthier. I want to be someone that others look up to and emulate (is that too narcissistic?).

I just wanna be healthy.

Thanks for listening.

New Tracking Site

Click on the title to go see it. It's actually way better than FitDay because you can do meals and menus. Not being able to do those on Fitday did NOT encourage me to cook, lemme tell ya. It made tracking a nightmare.

Plus, this program TELLS you if you are getting too much or too little of everything. So far, I'm doing really well, except in the cholesterol area, where I seem to constantly go over my daily allowable. It helps me keep a close eye on that, as well as my other nutritional needs.

It also does my math for me. I plugged in today's menu only to find that I have another 121 calories that I need to eat in order to get my caloric intake inline with my weight loss goals. Cool! An extra piece of fruit or glass of milk and I'm good to go!

OP with a VENGEANCE!

Stepped on the scale this morning to see 149.6. Whoops! Time to get right back OP!

But did I enjoy my two turkey dinners? Abso-freakin-lutely!! Both were incredible. And while I ate lots, I did not overstuff myself by any means.

I see a looot of excercise in my immediate future, lol.

Thanksgiving Dinner

There's lots of talk around the blogs this week about the frenzy of Thanksgiving and the fear of the meal itself.

Me, not so worried. I've been on this journey long enough to know that I cannot do permanent damage, so I'm going to enjoy my dinner, opt for healthier portions of all the yumminess I love, and continue on my life afterwards, with no stress!

I know that one meal (at which I know I will overindulge) will not break my resolve to be a healthier person. And I know that I must step up my workouts the following week to compensate so it doesn't show on the scale. Big deal! I've done it countless times now in the past two years, and I know that I can be successful at it. AND, I know that if it shows on the scale next Saturday, I'll have it under control by the next Saturday.

I remember the anxiety I had in the beginning. The self doubt. The actual FEAR of the meal, and I laugh at myself now.

Hmm... you know what this tells me? I really AM here. I really AM a healthy person! DAMN this feels good!!!

Today's Fuel

Br: crockpot cinnamon apple steelcut oats
Sn: 1/4 cup cottage cheese, 1 tbsp ground flax (pt), kiwi
Lu: 2oz buffalo burger, 1 cup leftover yam fries, all in a flax wrap (pts)
Sn: pear
Sn: glass of milk
Dn: pork chop, baby potatoes, grilled zucchini
Sn: core cocoa (milk, cocoa powder, splenda. tastes like dark hot chocolate, yum!)

Calories in: 1282
Calories out: 2259

I have room for a food snack after dinner should I need one.

Whatcha Eatin?

My fuel for today:

Br: 3/4 cup cottage cheese with grapes cut into it and 2 tbsp ground flax with a glass of milk to wash my vitamins down
Lu: egg, mushroom, tomato, avocado & lettuce sandwich on body conscious bread
Sn: carrot stix
Dn: buffalo burger with yam fries (oven baked with an egg white wash )

Water: 2 litres
Activity: 35 minutes running on treadmill, possible dog walk later (probable... puppy eyes get me every time)

Calories in: 1713
Calories out: 2284

New Week = New Start

I took a total food vacation yesterday. Ate an entire bag of baked chips, a handful of candies, a plateful of dim sum, a full size flax bagel, and a Klondike bar. And it was all goooood.

Today I'm back in the game! I feel refreshed and not deprived and ready to face my week. Despite cramps. I enjoyed my day yesterday and feel good.

GAME ON!!

Feel weird, but know why now.

I feel like I'm draggin along. I feel like I'm not being successful this week. But when I look at my fitday, I'm eating less than my caloric output, which means I'm on track to lose. And I am eating healthy choices for the most part. At least 95% of the time, anyways.

I'm excercising daily, in fact usually twice a day this week, between my treadmill run and walking the dogs or Alyssa. Yet I feel like I'm not doing enough. But I know I am.

I'm looking at all this, then I went to my chart... ah, yes... my period is due this weekend. All makes sense now. I'm a hormonal freak.

Okay. GAME ON!!

Killing time...

... while I drain my nose. No point in making calls before I finish my cup of coffee, or all they will hear is "excuse me... HONK".

What's your fuel today?

Hmmm.

Br: 1/2 cup steel cut oats with a tsp of brown sugar and a glass of milk
Lu: leftover core curry
Sn: yoghurt & granola
Dn: salsbury steak, baby potatoes, cauliflower

Excercise:
20 minutes on treadmill
vaccuuming the house (with my current energy level, I'm counting this)
40 minute walk to get Alyssa
20 minute walk of the dogs

Lung Capacity Zero

I did a run on the treadmill yesterday. The smallest run on the system. And it damn near killed me. Seriously, like I haven't excercised EVER. And I'm here telling you this right now because I'm procrastinating doing it again today.

Sigh.

I want to, I just know it's going to knock me for a loop. So instead, I'll tell you about my yummy lunch today! I had a flax wrap. In it I put avocado, brocslaw & ff cheese. I blooped hot sauce all over it, then rolled it up, sprayed it with olive oil and GFed it. Served with some ff plain yoghurt instead of sour cream, with a side of cottage cheese and I am satisfied and incredibly happy!

For breakfast I had two eggs scrambled. And milk.

Alright FINE, I'll go do the stupid treadmill.

grumble grumble grumble

Cheese N Rice! (Nice way to swear)

How much snot can one body create??? I swear there's buckets of it coming out my nose.

My energy is coming back, which is good news. Yesterday we did an hour walk in the glorious sunshine. Today I'm going to walk the dogs again, but I'm also going to do a small run on the treadmill.

I'm kinda having a hard time getting my butt back into gear after being hit with this nefarious cold. My energy level has been so low for so long. Logically I know that when I get back in the saddle the energy will come back, but it's just so hard to do! So I'm baby stepping it.

My food? Not great. I am under my daily output of calories, but not by much, lemme tell ya! I try and keep 500 calories down per day, but the last three days have been bad. I didn't even bother counting Sat & Sun. Yesterday was only 100 under. Yeesh. I'm gonna have to really work it to have a loss on the scale on Sat.

I'm so stoked for tonight. I have a date! Well, not in the traditional sense... lol. Two boys that I grew up with in elementary school are meeting with me for drinks at the pub across the street tonight, and I am so looking forward to it!

Okay, commitment: run today, walk today, eat healthy all day to allow for goodies tonight but still pick healthier pub choices and only have one beer. :)

A loss is a loss!

Down .2 lbs. Woot!

Definately On The Mend

So I wake up last night at 3am. And I'm laying there on my back, doing inventory, wondering why I'm awake. Do I have to pee? Nope. Is there noise? Nope. Then it hits me. I can breathe!

Today is a total snotfest, but the sinus' are clearing. I'm not medicated and I can breathe through my nose. Still incredibly tired, but I know that I'm on the mend.

Life is almost good again! Yay for Tylenol Cold Daytime and Nightime medication. Three days on that stuff and my cold is over! It's brutal, but it works. By day three I'm in no condition to drive anywhere, and barely functioning. Today I'm detoxing from the meds. LOL

We'll see what happens with WI tomorrow. I have no expectations. As long as it's in the 140's I'm fine with it, and I know it will be. Between the overload of calories at the wedding, and the underload in the last couple of days, whatever!

Blah

I have no appetite whatsoever, and it's so hard to force fuel into my body right now. I feel so listless and don't want to move. I slept for 11 hours last night, and still don't feel like it's enough.

Mind you, at times like these I couldn't be more grateful for working from home. I rolled outta bed and into my office at 10am. I can take breaks and go make tea. Or just sit and cry over my nose being so chapped. And I don't have to drive anywhere while I'm hopped up on cold medication.

Shoot me.

Check this out for perspective!

omg YUM

So my snack today, I bought Organic Pumpkin Seed Omega 3 Granola. If you look below I had 1/4 cup on 1/2 cup yoghurt with a banana. Unbelievably good!

Today's Fuel

Br: WW bagel w/ egg, 1/4 avocado, ff cheese
Lu: crock pot veggie soup
Sn: 1/4 cup Pumpkin Flax Granola w/ 1/2 cup yoghurt & banana
Dn: Pork chop, rice, swiss chard

Calories in: 1312
Calories out: 2055
Difference of: 743

Water: 2 litres or more

Vitamin: check!

Not moving today. Don't wanna. See below post. :(

Strep or Cold?

Hard to say. My glands are swollen, and my throat is raw, but my nose is stuffy.

Basically I feel like shit and want to crawl back into bed. Luckily I work from home, so if it gets too bad, I can do that.

I'll work the day, nap the afternoon and if it's not better by supper I'll go to the clinic and get it checked. Have to be better for the weekend (another busy one), so no taking chances and leaving it too long.

Last night was hell, nose being stuffed makes me sleep with my mouth open which dried my poor throat right out. Can't even imagine how bad the snoring was!

I'm BACK, Baby!!!

I struggled, and I won!!! I'm down to 145.6 this week. That's down 2.2 this week. DESPITE Lindsay the sabetour who fed me a bottle of wine last night... lol.

And the best news is that even smashed I choose healthier options! On the way to the Alice Cooper concert last night, we apparently stopped at McDonalds and I had two chicken fajitas. That's only 400 calories, and definately the best choice there.

I slept in the car (okay, let's face reality, I passed OUT in the car) on the way there and sobered up in time for the concert, which totally ROCKED.

It wasn't until we were on our way home that I realized I didn't eat dinner. That's when Steve told me I did (so smashed didn't remember). He tells me what I had, and I thanked him for choosing healthy for me. He then tells me it's what I asked for. Sweet!!! That means that healthier choices are REALLY what I want!!! Ingrained, baby!! Love it!

Need to Grocery Shop!

Seriously!!

I'm not sure what my menu will be today, because I have to scrounge around in my kitchen... lol. When I get my child support, look out! That veggie store won't know what hit it!

I'm a little nervous for WI tomorrow. My realistic goal is to be under 150 lbs, but reality is I wanted to be closer to 145 again. Not sure where it will be, but somewhere in between I'm sure.

I'm going for a haircut today (yay!) and am looking forward to getting all prettified tomorrow. It's funny, in this body, how much I want to dress up! It turns out I actually LIKE pretty! And I feel so good when I'm dolled up. And I know that my man loves it.

Speaking of which, we were just falling asleep the other night, when all of a sudden he hugs me real close and whispers "I'm so glad you got hot again". LOL Makes me feel sorry for all those years of NOT being hot. He never complained, though. He loved me no matter what. So this is kinda the reward for him, in my mind. Luckily it feels like a reward for me, too.

I will make healthy choices today... they just may be ecclectic, since I don't have a lot of fresh stuff in the fridge. And I'm going to do a treadmill run, walk the dogs, and wiggle in my seat at the Alice Cooper concert tonight. I'm mindful of WI tomorrow, so no treats!

I am totally looking forward to a good meal tomorrow at the wedding, followed by dancing it all off, though!

Sigh... I forgot!

I forgot that now coffee is a stimulant for me. Layed awake forever, then I realized WHY there was no sleep happening. Had to be those three cups of coffee between 7 and 10.

Dammit.

So I don't even know how much sleep I got last night. Feels like none. I deliberately did not look at a clock every time I got up to pee. Didn't want to know.

There just might be a nap in my future. Distinct possibility.

No more popcorn for a while...

I'm having a hard time squeezing in those extra calories. Not from the popcorn, per se... but from the oil.

I'm now seeing why I didn't do so well on Core at this size. When I was bigger and needed more calories it totally would have worked for me like a dream. However, to maintain my size now, or even lose, it takes really restricting calories. And even eating clean, the calories add up.

I've always struggled with the popcorn dilemma. I love having that nightly munch. On core I justified it that I was getting my healthy oils and it was all Core. But with the calories, I'm seeing just how many I was consuming, and it is all making sense now. Popcorn will have to be a once a week indulgence rather than an every day indulgence, that's all.

I'm eating well, and staying under 2000 calories, but man, it's a struggle. My goal this week is to stay under 150 for the wedding. I'm confident I can do it.

I saw pics from the stagette I was at on Saturday. I can't stop staring at my stomach. I just want it in a liiiittle more. It still has a curve out that I'm not really happy with. If only I could spot reduce. The rest of me shouldn't be getting any skinnier or I'll look like an Etheopian... lol.

Okay, off to work I go. I hope everyone has a fantastic day.

Here's my fuel for today:

Br: 1/2 cup oaty yoghurt, 1/2 cup blueberries, 1/2 ounce ground flax & glass of milk
Lu: 1/2 cup couscous, 3oz leftover mushroom stuffed tenderloin, 1/2 cup each steamed carrots & celery
Sn: 1/2 cup cottage cheese, Frank's Hot Sauce
Sn: 1/2 can tuna smooshed with 1/4 avocado
Dn: 4 oz ham, 2 baby potatoes, 2 cups swiss chard
Sn: glass of milk

Calories in: 1327 (if I were to add my popcorn it would be 1826)
Calories out: 2130 (includes 40 minutes walking the dogs)
Water: minimum 2 litres
Vitamin: check!

Today's Fuel

Br: Bagel w/ egg, ff cheese & 1/4 avocado
Lu: 1/2 can tuna smashed with 1/4 avocado, wrapped in a lettuce leaf
Sn: 1/2 cup ff cottage cheese w/ plums and ground flax
Dn: 4 oz steak, 3 baby potatoes & 1 cup steamed carrots
Sn: 9 cups popcorn, 1 tbsp butter, 1 tbsp olive oil, 1 cup milk

Total Calories = 1885
Total Calories Burned Today = 2396

Holy Shitters!!

So I've been counting calories this week, in and out. Decided to educate myself, as I've said. I know that eating 500 calories less than I burn will take off one pound a week. I also know that new fat comes off hella quick compared to old fat.

So last week's WI I was at 152.4.

This week? 147.87

That's down 4.6lbs!! AND there were indulgences (but I don't wanna talk about the damn granola... lol). I ate out... three times? this week. But I tracked everything and balanced it out. I had one day where my calories in were over my calories out (refer back to I don't wanna talk about the damn granola), but otherwise I balanced and budgeted my calories SUCCESSFULLY!!!

I'm so proud of me!

Update

I'm doing amazingly well, lately! Now that I'm on Fitday, and learning all about caloric intake and output, and tracking it all, I'm down to 148, so I've attained my 60 lbs gone again.

WOOTness!!

Mom being here is not so bad, actually. And she says she's enjoyed my healthy cooking (except how dry that damn stuffed porkloin was, but she forgave me because I had no instructions and winged it... lol).

Overall, I've been pretty damn good about my health while she's here, and she's not bringing in awful foods to tempt me. Although I worry that she's starving because we used to constantly graze together and she doesn't have that anymore. I worry that she's not eating, for my sake. But then, she's a big girl and she'll do what works for her, right? Right.

Today's goal: I will eat NO deliciously yummy Costco granola today. NONE. Yesterday I ate 800 calories worth, dammit. That's IT. I knew it would be bad, but I didn't know THAT bad. Yikes!

Today I did my run on the dreadmill, and a half hour walking backwards & sideways workout on there, with my butt crunches (damn flat ass, need to build it up).

I'm trying to figure out what I'm having for lunch today still, but here's the rest of my day:

Br: 1/2 cup Oaty Yoghurt over a banana
Apres Workout Br: 2 lettuce leaf smoked turkey/avocado/ff cheese sandwiches (about 1 cup of food)
Lu: Not sure
Sn: yellow pepper & tomato salad
Dn: bison burger
Sn: popcorn

Stepped on the scale this morning....

NOT happy. Back to cutting out the extras and watching satiaty levels. I know that is where the issues are. Eating past comfortable or satisfied. Measuring portions is my goal for the remainder of the week.

With mom coming out next week, I have to tell you, I'm a little worried. It's hard for me to say no thanks to the kinds of foods she eats. But I can't ask her to stick to my schedule, now can I? It'll be a test of my willpower, that's for sure.

Sigh.

374 Hours of Training = 5 Pounds Lost

Click here for a fascinating article.

Long Weekend Report

So how did YOU do?

Me? Not so good. Excercise wasn't tooo bad. Did walk all day on Saturday at the PNE. But then counteracted that with Kettle Corn and Mini Donuts, washed down with perogies, cabbage roll and sausage smothered in sour cream. The only plus is that I didn't get an elephant ear or fudge, both of which I wanted desperately.

Sunday was full of chips. I did go swimming for about 20 minutes, but other than that it was me, a couch and a lazy day.

Monday was lunch at the buffet in Bellingham, followed by three hours of walking around a mall. Except that I did do an intense one hour workout in the morning.

I havent' tried on my belt today, but I'm sure it's on the first hole... lol. Yoga pants for me for the next couple of days while I remain hardcore.

I decided to not buy bagels or wraps this week... or maybe I won't until the wedding. They seem to be my every day weakness. What I'll do is buy a loaf of white bread for Logan's lunches. I won't eat that crap so it's not a trigger for me.

I've discovered a new favourite breakfast. I nuke a 1/2 cup of brocslaw for three minutes with a tblsp of water, then throw it in a frying pan with scrambled eggs. Cook it all together and eat! So good! And I know the boy is getting good nutrition before school. I think it's going to become a staple breakfast in this house. For an asian flair, put soy sauce on it. For an american breakfast flair, ketchup. For a kick, hot sauce. You get it...

Well, back to work... sigh. Steve is home sick and I can hear the poor bastard coughing his brains out. He gets a long weekend and then ends up suffering through most of it. Mind you I only half feel sorry for him, because it would be so much better if he quit smoking. Whaddayado.

Today's Fuel

Br: spinach pie & a banana
Lu: salmon, couscous, mushrooms, chopped brocslaw, sesame oil (pt), canola oil, lemon seasoning, soya sauce, all nuked in the microwave together.
Sn: oatmeal custard pudding
Sn: cottage cheese & peach & ground flax
Dn: core meatloaf muffins, rice, swiss chard

Happy Thursday!

I just had the BEST breakfast! I cooked steelcut oats in milk with some honey and vanilla, then when it was done I threw in a mashed banana and some peach chunks. Yum yum!

Well, the last two days have seen me on the treadmill. I'm getting back into running on it. It makes a nice break in the middle of my day.

I have stepped on the scale twice since I threw it up in the closet. The first time was a couple weeks ago and I was at 150.2, so I knew I had to get back in control. I knew I had gone a little overboard with the extras in my diet. Having both a bagel in the morning and a wrap at noon, adds up quickly. Plus I was eating till full rather than satisfied. I avoided the scale for a week when I knew I should just peek to check where I'm at. Needless to say, seeing the 150's again... not cool.

So I stepped on it again a couple of days ago, and it was at 149.6. Okay! I'm maintaining! Good show!

I was getting bored with my excercise, thus the back being on the treadmill. I seem to do things in phases. I'm good with back being in a running phase. Not sure that I'll even move it out doors. Mind you, never say never, right? All I can say is that today I'm happy on my treadmill. I'm not in training for anything so I can stay happy on my treadmill.

Oh and I found a fabulous 5k trail I want to run. Gold Creek, up to the lower falls. Steve and I went for a walk up there and it took us and hour twenty to walk it. Would make for a lovely run one day.

Today is a new day and I have a new saying! NOT an option. It's all over the WW boards right now. When faced with a choice, make something not an option. Muffins? Not an option. Chocolate? Not an option. Feel like skipping your workout? Not an option. I like it!!

So that's it for today. I'm in a good place. I'm happy about my weight. I'm happy about my current level of excercise. It's all good!

Today's food

Br: scrambled eggs & buffalo burger patty
Lu: leftover pork bites with swiss chard
Sn: cottage cheese, grapes, ground flax
Dn: satay, potatoes, cabbage
Sn: popcorn & milk

I was on the treadmill and watching the food network and got the idea for the satay.

Mix together:

ff plain yoghurt
olive oil
minced garlic
peanut butter (pts)
curry powder
onion powder
celery salt
cilantro

I chopped up a turkey thigh in chunks and poured the satay sauce over the chunks in a ziploc baggie and marinated them in the fridge all day. Then skewered and baked.

It was okay. Not fabulous. Don't think I'd do it again.

Monday... again?

Gah, it comes around quickly, doesn't it?

My "new venture" is definately picking up business. Fantastic! I'm feeling like it's going to be a good week!

My fuel today has been:

Br: Egg Bagelwich
Lu: yoghurt, oatmeal, bulgur and a banana
Sn: salmon fillet
Sn: cottage cheese w/ ground flax
Dn: pork bites & southern bacon swiss chard
Sn: popcorn if I need it

Thursday, Already??

TOM is almost gone and I can see my ribs again. Phew! It's weird how much it affects me now that I'm not carrying all that extra weight to mask it.

Today's Fuel:

Br: blueberry meusli
Lu: hamburger wrap (3)
Sn: cottage cheese w/ peach & ground flax
Sn: plum
Dn: leftover stirfry?
Sn: popcorn & milk

I bought a 2 litre of milk in a plastic jug, and I've been using it for my water. What I'm finding is that I'm refilling it and drinking most of it again, so I've almost doubled my water intake! Before I had a one litre bottle that I refilled twice. Very pleased with that.

Last night Logan came for a walk with me. Teenagers! He bitched and whined that he didn't want to, then half way through he admitted he was glad he did. It was nice to spend an hour with just him and I and the dogs. The only downer bit was that I had to break something to him. You know when you see those people on American Idol and you think "who didn't love them enough to tell them they can't sing and allowed them to get up on stage in front of North America and make fools out of themselves?" Well, that's the example I used to Logan last night. Dude has NO pitch. NO tone. But he thinks he's great because he sings with passion (which I praised) and gusto (which I praised). I gently suggested he might want to look into having a convo with his cousin for some pointers. As much as he was disappointed, he was really mature about it and thanked me for putting it to him the way I did. He knew it came from a place of love, vs mocking.

Tuesday Ramblings

This is an interesting phase I'm in today. Still excercising... but not quite as much. Still eating healthy... but with a few more bread products. The thing I'm struggling most with is portion control. Which tells me that I will struggle with it for life. Because food tastes good. Healthy food tastes fantastic. I'm thinking my life long mantra will be "One bite tastes like the next".

Overall, I'm pretty happy... but I know I've gained a few pounds. And I'm afraid to step on the scale and see how MANY. It could be as much as ten. But I doubt it. Plus I'm in full blown TOM, and have spent the last week bloated.

It's funny... I never felt my symptoms of PMS like I do now. I definately bloat. I definately retain water. I definately put on some pounds. When I was fat it did not affect me. I guess it's like Michelle feels with kids "when ya have so many, you don't notice a couple more".

Once my period is done, I'm going to step on the scale, just to see. And it's not going to be on a Saturday. I don't know why. I just really feel like I needed to say goodbye to the psychology of my Saturday WI.

On a side note, my quads are killing me. I worked out for about two hours on Sunday. It felt good. I went for an hour really brisk walk down to the bank and back yesterday, then did about 20 minutes of stepping while watching X-Weighted. Which reminds me. Another trick I need to do is surround myself with the education, literature, and conversations around health and fitness, otherwise it's too easy for me to ignore it and fall back into my old habits. Time to break out the old WW magazines (bastards haven't sent me the last two... ask me how I feel about their service) and reread what works. I signed up for Women's Fitness magazine. They offered twelve issues for twelve dollars. I couldn't resist. And I need the incentive.

That's what I realize today. I need the incentive for the rest of my life. I can't just say "I'm done" and close the door. I still need to talk about it. I still need to read about it. I still need to be active with people. Unfortunatley, I'm also in a bit of a funk in other areas, and feeling a little alone (totally my issue) and dealing with how to deal with that for the rest of my life, too.

It's another year of change. One I'll be looking back on and admiring how I got through it healthy and intact. In the meantime, it's a work in progress. But for some reason today it feels like a very lonely work in progress.

Let's Hear it for Blueberry Season!!!

Last night I threw in a container 1/3 cup steelcut oats, a couple tablespoons of bulgur, two big scoops of ff plain yoghurt, maybe 1 tsp of honey, about 1/3 cup milk and some bloops of vanilla extract. This morning I scooped some of it over a cup of fresh blueberries and YUM!!!

What a great way to get dairy, freggie AND grain in all at once. Fantastic way for me to start my day.

Today's Fuel:

Br: blueberry meusli
Lu: wrap w/ leftover bacon veggies & kidney beans
Sn: carrots
Sn: plum
Dn: steak, baby potatoes, swiss chard
Sn: popcorn & milk

AP: 30 minutes of hard step aerobics & dog walk, maybe some yoga (back is hurting, need to stretch it out)

Water: at least 2 litres

GAME ON!!

Today's Fuel

BR: WW bread (1pt) toasted with nectarine's and ff cheese on top.
Sn: cottage cheese w/ ground flax (1) & carrots
Lu: wrap (3), w/ tuna, avocado & kidney beans
Sn: nectarine & carrots (need to hit the grocery store)
Dn: chicken breast & swiss chard.
Sn: popcorn w/ franks oil

Thursday Ramblings

I'm so stoked for the weekend! Steve and I are going to the fireworks on Saturday. Not sure if we are doing English Bay or what. Then Sunday having Cindy and Erica come into town and hopefully a river running through it. The weather forecast is looking promising. Cross our fingers that Sammy can join us, even for an hour, in the river so she can see where we go. She hasn't been there yet. Yep, Erica, you were the first of my girls to experience the Maple Ridge River Running Through It.

I'm kinda concerned about my activity level. My work has not facilitated working out to the degree I was, so I'm down to my nightly walks with the dogs and maybe 1/2 hour a day dancing/stepping. So what I've done is increased the intensity of it when I do it. And considering how crappy I've been eating (little bits here and there) I better smarten the fuck up. Freedom from the scale seems to have gone to my head, and I don't want it going to my tummy!! But then it's not even been a week, so I should just relax and find my groove. Right? RIGHT??

Today's fuel:

Br: fried egg sammich on WW bread (1pt) w/ tomato & ff cheese
Lu: leftover Core Alfredo Casserole & a glass of milk
Sn: cottage cheese, blueberries, strawberries & ground flax seed
Sn: carrots?
Dn: pork loin chops, rice, swiss chard
Sn: popcorn & milk

Kryptonite!

So apparently, pizza is also kryptonite to me. Yeesh!

Yesterday we helped Andrew & Michelle move, and then had pizza. I totally over indulged. Then I get home around 8pm and about 20 minutes later I hear Steve yell "dinner's here". Guess what he ordered... pizza! And could I say no? Nope. Got in there and had another slice and a half. Cuz it was a different flavour... my favourite.

Then I'm sitting here this morning OBSESSING over the damn leftovers. I've now eaten two pieces and am NOT happy.

As of RIGHT NOW control is mine. RIGHT now, I'm back in control, dammit.

Tuesday's Rambling

Good Morning, All!

Well, it's a fine rainy day, isn't it? My flowers and lawn are very happy at least.

My abs STILL hurt from the gym on Sunday. I copied what a skinny girl was doing, and I see now why it works. Yikes!

Yesterday I danced for a couple of hours then went for an hour walk in the evening with Sam and the dogs. Was completely OP in eating. Today my workout will be helping Andrew and Michelle unload and unpack.

Today's fuel: Br: Oatmeal w/ apple sauce & sf maple syrop
Lu: pork burger, couscous, carrots
Sn: apple
Dn: fake crab & pasta

Went a little nuts....

... this weekend.

I gave in to my once a year craving for a Peanut Buster Parfait on Saturday. Mind you that was after going to the Carribean Festival and only snitching 2 mini donuts from Steve rather than having my own dozen, and not having the usual curried goat with rice and trimmings OR the gelato I had promised myself.

Sunday I had a baby shower to go to, so I went to the gym in the morning. At the shower I had a very small piece of cake, a sliver of a brownie, one 2-bite caramel coffee cake, 1/4 of a 2-bite butter tart, a ton of veggies and fruit, and two pieces of bread with spinach dip on them. Yep, I actually got a knife and cut slivers off things rather than eat the whole piece. Then I came home and got a chef salad with garlic cheese bread from Bobby Sox and shared it with Steve.

Overall not horrible choices. Could have been sooo much worse.

Took Oscar and Morgana for a walk around the block and that was it for the day. Layed on the couch watching TV the rest of the night.

Today is completely OP again:

Br: oatmeal
Lu: soup & grilled cheese (1pt)
Sn: yoghurt & fruit w/ flax
Dn: pork burger w/ gravy & steamed cauliflower
Sn: popcorn

Down and GONE

I was down another 1.6 this morning and the scale is officially put away.

Today I am 145.2lbs.

Friday Menu

Br: custard oatmeal made with milk
Lu: cottage cheese with brocslaw mixed into it, ground flax & my Frank's popcorn oil (yum!)
Sn: apple
Dn: Couscous with ham, avocado, tomato, Frank's & oil & a glass of milk
Sn: carrots

AP: 30 minutes hardcore step aerobics, 30 min dog walk, 40 minute walk uptown and back for coffee tonight

Grains: 2
Freggies: 4
Protein: 3
Oil: yep
Dairy: 2

I'm good! Got it all covered!

Rough Night

Man, I slept rough last night. Tossed and turned and obsessed.

But posting on WW I realized why I'm struggling so badly with this.

To give up the scale is a leap of faith. Faith in myself. Do I have what it takes to do this? Can I control my weight without the scale controlling it for me? Do I have the faith in myself to give up the scale?

Faith. Not something I have a lot of these days in other areas. Haven't had to apply it to myself like this before. It's a new concept. Not one I'm entirely comfortable with. Blind belief. It's the blind part I'm having problems with I think.

I know I have the tools. I know that I know what to do. I know what I need to move and how I need to eat and I know how many workouts I need to do. I can still track my AP, my nutrition and my measurements. All I would be giving up is one appliance. One tool out of the toolbox. Just one.

But it's the most important one of my journey so far. The one that has kept me going and kept me motivated and made me mad enough to kick my own ass into gear and rewarded me when I worked hard.

... omg. It's my mother. Seriously. It's the mother I didn't have growing up. What kind of Freudian sick bitch am I???????????????????????????? Why am I obsessed with the way the scale makes me feel??? Why do I work so hard to please it and stress at the thought of giving it up? Because it tells me when I'm having good behaviour and it gently scolds me when I'm not. It doesn't beat hell out of me, it just points out the error of my ways and sits back quietly without judging. And when I have good behaviour it quietly gives me my kudos and sits back and lets me celebrate. And the thought of giving up one of the healthy responses in my life scares me back to being a little kid. Except that it's not the scale reacting unhealthy, it's me obsessing over it's feedback.

Okay, I'm seriously fucked up. This took a bizarre turn, didn't it?? Because my childhood was so traumatizing and abusive I turn to anyone and anything, including inanimate objects for unconditional, non-judgmental feedback???

I mean, it's weird the panic I feel at the thought of giving up the number on the scale, but seriously??? Why did my fingers type this? Where did it come from? Is my subconcious thinking up excuses to NOT give it up? Or is this real in my mind? It just sounds so bizarre... and CRAZY.

Whoa. I need to think further on this.

I don't think I'll be posting this on the WW site. They really WILL think I need therapy. They don't know me and my ways of working things out. I just need to yatter it out, sort it, deal with it, and fold it neatly back away in a safe place.

Bear with my insanity, folks... I promise it won't last. I'm just figuring my way through, and you happen to be the recipients of my inner chatter.

A Crossroad...

I just got off the phone with Magda, then I read Nadine's reply to my Thursday Stress blog and see that my two healthy sheros are both telling me the same thing! I promised Mag I'd think on what she said, so I'm thinking here as I'm typing. Keep in mind, I'm mirroring what Magda said to me, just putting it into my own thoughts and words.

Stepping on the scale each week in the WW fashion is what I needed to do in the beginning of my journey to get into the mindset of being concious of where I am, what I'm eating, how I'm working my body and doing what I needed to do to lose the weight and stop being fat.Magda asked me if I feel good in my clothes. Yes, I do. I feel that I look good, and that I rock the clothes these days. She said "then what else matters?". I should put the scale away and step on it maybe once a month. She feels that I am at a crossroads and am entering the phase of my journey where obsessing over the scale will be detrimental, considering we're talking about half a pound or so a week. As Nadine said, Magda also pointed out that if I continue eating healthy, working out, and living my life, my clothes will tell me if I need to step it up, or cut it back. I don't need the scale anymore. I have the tools and the focus, and as I work out and continue eating properly, my body will tighten. If I want to obsess over numbers, obsess over the inches, not the weight.

When I told her that the thought of giving Sam my scale and asking her to keep it for me scares the shit out of me, she said that concerns her and tells her that I have an issue. The good news is that I have the personality that I recognize when things could possibly spiral out of control for me. Thus all these deep thoughts and posts. I do see my obsession with the scale becoming unhealthy. I could go in a bad direction with it and I recognize that.

But am I ready to give it up? I've spent a year and a half tied to the damn thing. Am I happy with my body? 90%. Am I happy with where I am? 90%. I love how I look in most clothes. I don't love how I look naked. However, I mostly like it. That's good. My BMI is still overweight, but Mag says "who cares". She says if you feel good, you feel healthy, you eat healthy regularily, you work out regularily, and your clothes fit you and make you look awesome, WHO CARES what the scale says. On the outside I'm all puffed up "ya, who cares!", but there's a little tiny voice inside squeaking 'um... I care!". Gah!

A crossroad to be sure... which way will I go? I need to ponder. I will think on it. I will WI on Saturday... and then I will consider putting my scale away.I said I'd think about it, and I will.

That's where I'm at tonight. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Thursday Stress

I don't know why it is, but Thursday causes me major anxiety. I step on that damn scale every morning and it's always up (today was down to 148.6) and then on Thursday I do a harsh workout, Friday I don't step on the scale, and do very light workout, maybe just walking, all in prep for that Saturday moment of WI. It's crazy. For the next two days I won't eat any of my WP, or my AP. I eat so hardcore... but concious of getting enough calories in so my body doesn't hang on to the weight in starvation mode. I eat foods that will clear my bowels, in order to get as much weight off and out as possible.

You know... I'm really looking forward to maintenance when I won't have this stress. And it's only less than 20 pounds away. Thank god!!! Not exactly sure what that magical number will be... I'm having a difficult time NOT seeing fat everywhere on my body.

On that note... Steve actually got pissed at me the other day for pointing out fatty bits. I think he's worried that I'll become anorexic, or get unhealthy or something. And I can see how it happens. Erica took a pic of my leg to show me the muscle definition (btw, Erica, can you send that to me?). She showed me, and I was so blown away by the cellulite and fat that I couldn't look for the definition she was talking about. Is that unhealthy? I look in the mirror and admire the hell out of my waist, but cringe at the pouch (the one Sam calls the Kangaroo Pooch). Will that pouch ever go away?

I've become obsessed with staring at women's bodies, trying to define what IS normal in today's society, and for women my age. Although, for women my age, size 14 is average, and I don't want to be average. And most of the women my age I see on the streets have poor posture, extra pounds, or just look damn old. So I look to the younger ladies, but is that setting myself up for an unhealthy body image?

When is it going to be "good"? Really, I should be excstatic about the body I have today... but I'm still a size 10/12, and HAVE to get into the single digits. I'm also still at an "overweight" BMI, so I know that I still have to lose. Yet, as I was posting all those before pics on FB last night, I was so proud of where I am today... why isn't that enough? Why do I still obsess each week? Why do my emotions ride on that horrid little number?

And the most unfair of it all is that as I get closer to healthy, the weight will be harder to shed, and the stress level will rise. So unfair.

Speaking of the pics I posted on FB last night... Man, I love my husband. He came in as I was editing the posts on them and I'm so upset looking at them. I said to him, how come you let me out of the house like that? He says "how do you talk to a woman about her weight, there's no way to do it". And he's right. But I'm looking at those pics and seeing how happy I am and inside I'm thinking How the hell could I be so fucking happy when I looked so goddam horrible and fat and ugly and chinny and where the fuck are my eyes in all those rolls on my goddamn face how does THAT happen?

I know that sounds terrible, but I feel safe here telling you my inner thoughts, and I thank you for listening. It's just that I feel so incredible in my body today (outside of a couple of bad pockets of yuck) that it boggles my mind that I was OKAY with being so fucking huge. I was OKAY with it! In fact I was HAPPY. WTF??? I guess I can chalk it up to I never knew better. Because I was not a yoyo dieter, I never lost any, so never felt the sexy skinny, so didn't miss it. The last time I weighed this, I was 20. Yep, 20. Yeesh! How did I get so old?? But alas, that's another rant for another day.

Today's Fuel:

Br: leftover custard oatmeal w/ unsweetened applesauce (leftover cuz I stopped when satisfied yesterday YAY)
Lu: cabbage unrolls & milk
Sn: leftover swiss chard & yams
Sn: cottage cheese & fruit & ground flax
Dn: vegetarian chili & milk
Sn: popcorn

Water: 2L
AP: Yoga 50 min, walk the dog 30-60 min

Thanks for letting me ramble...

Wednesday's Plan

Today's menu (again, planning as I'm writing so bear with me):

Br: oatmeal custard (milk, oatmeal, cinnamon oil, with an egg thrown in at the last minute)
Lu: ham & spinach salad wrap
Sn: cottage cheese, fruit, ground flax (0 pts for 1 tblsp)
Sn: carrots
Dn: steak & swiss chard

Water: 2l
AP: 1/2 hour stepping, dog walk, 50 minutes yoga

Tuesday's Fuel

Hmmm... Planning as I write, so bear with me.

Br: Oatmeal
Lu: Wrap w/ ham, avocado, tomato, sprouts, brocslaw, mustard. (2pts)
Sn: cottage cheese, ground flax, strawberries
Sn: carrots
Dn: cabbage unrolls & salad
Sn: popcorn if I need it.

Protein - 3
Grains - 3
Freggies - 5
Oils - 3 (avocado, flax & oil on popcorn)

Okay, that looks good!

I sent out a link via email to a newsletter called "BrandAid". Really really informative. Right up my alley! If you didn't get it, google it if you are interested, or email me and I'll send you the link.

Today's Fuel

Br - oatmeal
Lu - fried egg sammich on WW bread w/ oily salad
Sn - plain yoghurt w/ ground flax & fruit
Sn - carrots
Dn - chicken burger w/ spinach salad

AP - walk the dog for an hour + 3 hours of dancing/stepping
Water - 2-3 litres

Great Weekend!

Besides the plethera of amazing people and their amazing children that came on Saturday, I had an awesome food weekend!!

Most weekends are a write off for me, and I allow myself to oink on shit I shouldn't but wth, it's the weekend. This weekend I did amazingly well. In fact, the only thing I ate that wasn't core was alcohol and a couple of crackers and a couple of small tastes of Brie! And even then it was just nips out of a Crown Royal bottle (yes, Cindy, you've converted me) while I chugged water all night.

Yesterday I had two snack attacks. So I had two different flavours of popcorn! Then dinner I was craving a burger SO bad... I figured I must be craving protein. So I made myself a huge (for me) cottage cheese yummy dish. So satisfying and tasty. And emotionally/psychologically satisfying, too!

I'm very proud of me.

Yeah, BABY!!

Down 2.2!! Apparently that number is contagious, and I'm more than happy to have caught it... lol!

Today I was at my lowest yet. 146.8! That's a BMI of 26.8. Considering I was at 153.2 on Monday, I'm doing the happy dance, lemme tell ya.

Today's Menu

B - 2 poached eggs, cottage cheese w/ grapes & cherries & ground flax seed (pts seeds)
L - hamburger spinach salad & couscous
S - yoghurt
S - carrot stix
D - Sashimi & Miso soup
S - popcorn

Water - 2-3 litres

AP - 1/2 hour step aerobics
- hour dancing

NSV

So, I was checking myself out in the mirror last night. I don't usually do that in front of Steve. However, he caught me last night doing it, and he says "lookin good there, baby". I'm all like "what do you mean?" He comes over and points out DEFINITION. He says he can see definition starting on my abs! And best of all? He's started working it, too. He does a routine of sit ups and pushups now. He's done it twice this week. Plus he's joining me on my dog walks.

LOVE it!

Best Dinner EVER

I fried the bejeebenies out of some hamburger & onions with a little oil (after draining it) and garlic powder. You know when you fry it so much, it's a little browned and crispy? Yum.

I sat in the garden and picked a bowl of spinach, and then learned how to harvest my cauliflower (which is SO sweet and delish!!). Back in the kitchen, I chopped up nice smaller bite size chunks of cauliflower, some avocado, and tomato.

Logan's wrap had meat & onions, ff Thousand Islands, fresh spinach & cauliflower.

Mine had meat & onions, avocado, tomato, fresh spinach & cauliflower.

SOOOO good!! The cauliflower adds a nice meaty chew to the sandwich, and the ground beef was so decadent tasting.

Merrit Mountain Music Festival. The jig is UP!!

What an AMAZING weekend! I feel rejuvinated, without a stress in the world. I went to bed at 7:30 last night and JUST woke up. Two solid days of drinking, dancing, and country music. Wow. Even our cousin Chantel, who is not a country fan, was dancing all night.

Wanna hear my weekend??? I'm gonna tell ya!

We left town at 3:30, hitting Starbucks & filling the gas (which when we broke it down between us ended up costing $18 each plus $5 each for toll... WOOT!!). We hit Chilliwack to find huge car accident that had happened at 1pm. Just before Vedder road, the traffic is crawling. But being the experienced commuter I am, I'm watching taillights. I realize that the ones AFTER the exit are not moving. Time to get off the number 1. Sam phones Andrew at home and asks him to mapquest how to get from the #1 to the #7 from Yale Road. He tells us (he's so fabulous!) and we are on our merry way. Beautiful drive through the country, then we get to Hope and we're off to Merritt!

We got up there 7:30, found our camping spot, realize we are less than two minutes away from the river. Niiiice. Set up camp takes 45 minutes, because Cindy bought the most skookum canopy I've ever seen. It folds out like an acordian. Sweet! Shade is our friend.

So we get all dolled up, and go hit the fairgrounds at about 9ish, and danced and danced and danced! We noodled back to camp, and Cindy says that she could hear them calling last call just before she fell asleep. We know it closed at 4:00am. Good long night!

Up at 8 because the sun does NOT let you sleep in! Fortunately, we don't wear watches up there so it's always a random time checking situation. Time for doghair! Mine this year was instant hazelnut coffee, with a scoop of coffee whitener, kalua & malibu. YUM!! Two of those to bring the blood alcohol level back up and I'm good to go! Go to the river, that is. We all get ourselves SPFed with the 50 stuff as a base and pack up our chairs, food, and booze and off we go. Cowboy hats and sunglasses & bikini's. I'll send you a pic later when I get them from Chantel (email me if you want)!

The river was... omg awesome! We were in it for about six hours. Laying in chairs, watching the wildlife (I love wildlife in cowboy hats, don't you?), drinking our faces off. Man I was HAMMERED in the river. I can't even begin to tell you how cathartic it is.

Back to camp for naptime. However, it turns out that even there I'm not a napper. So off I went for a drunken hike through the campgrounds. Then, in my brilliance I decide I need to climb the cliff, which has stairs cut into it. We did it last year and it was a huge feat to conquer (being 30 lbs heavier last year). I did it TWICE and felt FANTASTIC. And that was after dancing five hours the night before, having four hours sleep, and drinking for 24 hours straight! Yeah, baby!!

Back to camp and time to rouse the nappers. Dinner! And more alcohol. We meandered our way through eating, drinking, and getting ready for the party. Because Saturday night is the reason everyone is there. It's the motherload of parties.

Cindy and I were ready first and decided to go down to the fairgrounds and have a look around, maybe grab a bite. She had a hamburger, and I had a corndog that I bought from the most gorgeous boy... omg, he was so yummy. The corndog was, too! We realize that the party is about to start. Sarah Evans is onstage, and she is playing some pretty good dancing tunes. Looks like around 3000 are in the beergarden and it's starting to rock. Time to go wake the girls.

We get back to camp and Sam is ready to rock. Chantel is ready to lose her lunch. Her body is NOT liking the heat and dryness. She has been fighting naseau since we arrived. She goes to puke, comes back and says to go on without her. If she's feeling it, she'll join us, and if not, she'll just sleep. So after a few shots of crown with some cooler chasers, off we go!

Sam buys the best goddam $9 perogies she's ever had, lol. The energy returns, time to party!! Oh the dancing! Oh the drinking! Oh the fun!! It was probably around 10pm when we started dancing. Midnight, who should appear beside us on the dancefloor? Chantel!!! She woke up and felt better and came to join us! Awesome!!! And we danced and partied until the sun came up. Literally. The beer garden on Saturday night is the party to end all parties. After the concerts on the mainstage were done at midnight (they show them on a huge screen in the beer gardens), the live bands kick it up. Cindy's cousins LESTER were the first band and they ROCKED the house. The live bands stayed until 4:30, and then they just played tunes and we kept on dancing! It was about 6:30 when I finally made it back to camp.

Little bit of sleep, lots of water, and we packed er in. Loaded up the van and headed for Hope and the Home Restaurant. I had the best chef salad, a vanilla milkshake and coffee. omg it was SO good. Then headed for home. As soon as I got here, I cracked a cooler and unloaded the van.

I still have not unpacked a damn thing. My husband washed all my clothes... he's so awesome! I'm now so incredibly hung over I can't even tell you... water and sleep. Maybe laying in the sun and baking the alcohol out. Not sure.

Good times. This is the one weekend (formerly week) that I get to go out and spend quality time just being a woman. And this year it was a sexy woman who attracted a LOT of male attention. It was AWESOME!!! And it rejuvenates me so much. I think we all need to have that. That place where we can go and NOT be a wife or mother, but just be a woman, feeling like a woman. I cannot even begin to tell you what this weekend did for my self esteem. I feel like a hot, sexy bitch.

I like it! THE JIG IS UP!!!!

Shopping

So last night I had to do a bit of grocery shopping, and I was on the wrong end of town so I popped into Save-On. The main thing on my list was FF cottage cheese, and there are only two brands I love, Dairyland and Lucerne. Lucerne was way on the OTHER end of town. Dairyland it is!

Well first I discovered that Dairyland is almost a dollar cheaper! And it wasn't even on sale! Saved $4 right there.

My second discovery: Sam had mentioned Squirrely bagels. So here I am, standing in the bread aisle, looking for WW bagels. Damn... they don't carry them. But oh, look! There's Squirrely Bagels! NI Calories: 210, Fat 4, Fibre 8.4. Beside them is the same brand, but it's their Flax Seed Bagels. Hmm. My eye doctor had just given me a huge speech about how a study in Germany had found that Flax Seed had increased eye moisture in aging women (men, too, but I don't care about them, lol). I'm supposed to get more Flax in my diet. What's the NI? Calories: 200, Fat 2.5, Fibre 9. Even better!

I had one this morning, and they are so light and tasty! Not dense like bagels usually are. And when I plugged them into the calculator? 2pts!! The same as a WW bagel, but WhOOOOO HOOOOO better!!

I've even written to the company, I'm so impressed with their products.

Silver Hills Bakery... pass it on!

WI... up .6

... to 149.2.

Sigh.

Damn excercise and muscle building. Should I scale back?

oh my GOD!!

... do my quads hurt!! I thought they were bad YESTERDAY. Today they are worse, and what's more, my glutes have decided they need to be heard, too.

I'm seeing a whole smurfload of A5-35 in my future, yes I am. Buy stock, people. I'm tellin ya.

Here's my menu today:

Br: Egg-el (WW bagel 2pts, egg white, ff cheese, 1/8 avocado, light mayo 1 pt)
Lu: crab, couscous, hot sauce, broccoli, glass of milk
Sn: cottage cheese & apple
Dn: roasted turkey thigh over salad
Sn: popcorn w/ healthy oil

I received an email about Splenda, from FormerFatGuy.com. I've been contemplating cutting it out of my life, and after reading that newsletter, I definately am. I cannot reasonably logic myself into poisoning my body when I'm working so hard to get healthy. Education is a dangerous thing... lol. It's one thing to live/eat/breathe in ignorance, but now that I have been educated, I just cannot bring myself to choose to continue ingesting it. It seems ridiculous to me.

Of course, it cannot necessarily be avoided completely. I will still want the occasional diet pop or whatever, but I'm not going to be having it in my tea or on my popcorn anymore. I'll need to find a healthier alternative. I'm leaning towards demorara (sp?) sugar, which seems to be the alternate of choice. Or honey where usable (definately not on popcorn, lol).

Here's my quandry... I have a ton of splenda left over. I'd hate to waste it, but I can't in good concious say "Hey Sis, I'm not poisoning myself with this shit anymore... want it?" LOL

Not sure what was going to be for dinner tonight.

"not sure yet" ended up being Red Robins. Although, I have to admit, I did pretty damn good.
I ate:
- half of a cheese stick (ya, 1/2!!)
- a sip (literally) of banana milkshake (one taste tastes like the rest, I told myself)
- honey mustard chicken burger, but I took off the top bun which deleted the mayo, and ditched 1/3 of the bottom bun, too.
- five french fries

All together it was 16 points. Considering what it COULD have been? I'm totally happy with that.

Ouchie, I'm sore!!

I gave myself a killer workout last night!! I ran for 10 minutes, then spent 20 minutes going back and forth on a soccer field. Side steps, skipping, and lunges. My quads are KILLING me!!!

Then I get home to find that the dogs still need their walk. Gah! That was the LONGEST walk around the block EVER!!

Oh boy, did I earn me a gold star on the calendar!

As I Suspected

I'm up this week. But I believe it's because my body is just regulating itself. I've had losses every week for something like five weeks. I'm excercising a ridiculous amount. I'm building muscle. I'm thinking I'm okay with this... lol.

I'm going to get someone to meaure me today. I'll post the results... stay tuned!

Oh, current weight as of today 148.6

New Challenge!

I am going to SO rock this!

I've just joined a challenge on the Less to Lose Board.

By August 1st I will:
- lose five pounds
- earn 96 AP

Yes, I will!!

Saturday WI

I'm feeling like the boy who cried wolf... once again I said that I wasn't expecting a loss, and I lost! Since joining the Canada Day Challenge on this board, I've really been working the program (I've learned that maintenance is going to be a snap for me, I was stagnant for so long... lol). I've lost five pounds just in the month of June so far!

Today's loss was .8 which brings me to a BMI of 26.9. WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!! I'm so close to being in the normal rate, I can TASTE it... and you know what? It DOES taste better than those muffins, cakes, chips did!!

Today is a New Day

Okay, TOM is over and it's game on!

Today's menu:

Br: 1/2 cup swiss meusli, egg bagelwich.
Lu: couscous, leftover veggies, ham, tomato, oil, hotsauce.
Sn: pear
Dn: core chili
Sn: popcorn? frozen grapes? mandarin orange?

Water: half done my second litre today.
Activity: walk Oscar later, did an hour of dancing this morning, and an hour of step aerobics.

All week I've avoided the scale, cuz I felt all bloated and puffy. Even my clothes weren't fitting well. Thought it was in my own best interest to avoid up until yesterday. Then I stepped on, cuz I like torturing myself that way... and it read 152.2. Gah!! But then this morning it was down to 149.4. More like it!

omg omg omg omg omg omg

GUESS WHAT???? I FOUND A PAIR OF SHORTS THAT NOT ONLY CAN I WEAR, BUT THEY LOOK HOT... ... ... to ME!!!!!!

Blah...

TOM week and I feel like poop.



That is all.

My real WI

148.0

That's down 1.8 from last week.

Glory Be, I can SEE

So yesterday, could I have BEEN more nervous? Doubt it. All the way there I had to do labour breathing. In the mall, I destracted myself with nose ring shopping, then had a light lunch at the food court, once again bypassing Arby's (I'm SUCH a good girl). Old me would have used the excuse and eaten crap. New me didn't want my belly rebeling in the doctor's office... lol.

The great thing is that they give you an Atavan before your appointment. Miraculous Ninja Butter fly Killer should be its pseudanm. Seriously. I wasnt worried AT ALL after that. Moments before my surgery I asked for a glass of water, and the OR nurse asked me why. I told her I wanted to take one of the T3's they give you BEFORE the pain. She called me brilliant.

The surgery itself was weird, but seriouly only lasted about a minute on each eye, including prep, cut, laser, and refolding. The laser itself was 11 seconds. Unbelievable.

They provide you with 2 T3's and 2 sleeping pills and suggest you sleep the day away if you can.

Steve picked me up a subway sandwich on the way home. I ate that, had a glass of milk, took the other T3 and both sleeping pills and went to lay down. An hour later I got back up, took another T3 and a Sleepe-eze-D. That did the trick. I woke up at 5am after a great 12 hours of sleeping and healing.

This morning I can see! My eyes feel a little dry and kinda like there is something in one of them. I have a follow up at 8:45.

Friday the 13th

So why on EARTH did I schedule my eye surgery on Friday the 13th???? Oh yeah, cuz I'm not superstitious... LOL.

Serious ninja butterflies in my tummy. Serious. I woke up at 3:30am in a tizzy and had to read to calm myself down.

I did my WI this morning, just to see, in case Steve order's pizza tonight (that's his idea of 'making' dinner). Good news! I was at 149.6lbs. That's only down .2, but considering I honestly thought I'd be back up to 150, I'm so fantastic with that!!

Wish me luck today. I'm going to need it NOT to barf on Dr. King. Better yet, wish HIM luck.

Further thoughts...

I'm really struggling with the "accepting who I am today as my current reality". But not in a bad way. I know that it's a process, it's just completely unchartered territory for me.

As I say that, I think to myself that once again I find myself ahead of others in my experience and wishing that someone was a step ahead of me so that I could ask advice, opinions and questions of them. I know that others went through this long ago, but it's the "here and now" questions and thoughts that I wish I had help with. Of course, nothing I can articulate now, because I'm TRYING to think of stuff... lol.

I am finding a couple of people on the WW boards are going through the same mental process' I am, which helps. I think I might check out a different board, though. The "less to lose" board maybe.

I just realized how conceited that sounded... which is NOT what I meant. I guess what I mean is that I'm finding myself really loving my body and the way I look today vs yesterday, and I don't hear that from my people around me about themselves, so feel kinda alone on this step. And while I don't really care what other people think, I do know that some would consider me "changed" or "vain". And the reality is I have changed, and I am vain. But I don't think it's a bad thing. I've worked damn hard to change and I've earned feeling proud.

Damn... does this make sense to anyone else but me??

Introspective (Is that the right word?)

This is gonna get deep, folks.

I just spent time on FB looking at pictures of myself. I really sat and looked, because you know what? I didn't really know what I looked like.

I've looked at so many pics of myself over the last year. More pictures than probably the other 38 years put together. However, most are a glance long enough to decide whether it needs to be deleted or can stay. However, looking at the pictures from Jessie's 19th, with the horizontal stipes (I know I keep going on about it, but wow that' huge to me!) I realized that I do look different. I'm a completely different looking person than I was a year ago, even.

Looking at these current picture, though, I realized that the dramatic changes are done. THIS is what I'm going to look like for the rest of my life. Well, you know what I mean. Do you? I'm kinda lost, thus the long blog. I'm facing my next chapter... in the mirror.

I've been working toward something for months and months. And I've arrived. I have been working towards being healthy, and that's what I am today. I eat well. I excercise almost daily. I live an intentionally Core life, in food and in other ways. I'm going more and more natural. Natural hair colour. Totally toned down the makeup, and don't even wear any for days at a time. But think I actually look okay that way in this body. In the fat body I just looked pasty and sick. Now I'm healthy!

I look forward to getting the last bit off, then maintenance. I'm gonna totally rock maintenance. I can eat this way the rest of my life EASY, because I like the way this feels.

((I warned you it was going to get deep!))

Feeling OP, but have to go grocery shopping!

Man, I'm struggling for Core snacks right now. A bit ago I ate a pickle, cuz I need groceries so bad... lol. I see Safeway in my future!

This was the second day of my dancing regime while making calls. It went pretty good! But I think I'm tired... it seems like it's been a very active week. Between the dancing, situps, and dog walking, I'm moving most of the time now. For my lunch break I slumped on the couch and read a book for an hour. Bliss!

Tonight I shop, then take Oscar for a walk, and then I am relaxing.

I popped on the scale again today (why? Why??) and it read 150.4. TOM is this weekend, so I know I won't retain my 140's status, but I'm really trying!! Despite wanting to scarf a big ol' chocolate bar, preferably Coffee Crisp (it's a nice light snack!).

Damnitall. Skinny feels better than Coffee Crisp tastes!!

Today it's Fun!

I'm having a good day so I thought I would post about it.

Here's my menu:

Br: cow & blueberries
Lu: Kolbassa wrap (pts)
Sn: pear
Dn: salmon with cool salad
Sn: frozen grapes

Water: 2 litres
AP: see below

So, the last two days have been very energetic for me. Last night when I took Oscar for a long walk, my legs were killing me. So I'm taking it easy today. I'll take Oscar out for 1/2 hour walk around the block. However, I have a hard time NOT moving, now that I'm smaller!! Weird, I know.

As you know, I sit in front of the computer ALL day making phone calls. Usually I do sit ups and crunches the whole day (started doing this last week). I figure I'm on the damn ball, might as well take advantage of it, right?

So today, I turned on the radio so I have it in the background, and I've kicked the ball out of the way. When I'm dialing and on hold, I'm dancing! Makes my day go by faster, and is fun! And who knows how many AP I'm creating. Enough to feel good, anyways.

No reason this has to be a drudge, this journey. I'm all about making it fun!!

Nice Kick Start to my Week!

Went to the track with Sam, Andrew & fam. It was great! I did 3 miles, which is 4.8km. But the great thing is that I ran 4.03 of those km without stopping!! Go me!!

I was on my second lap, and contemplating when I should take a walk break when a conversation I had with the sweeper on my 10k came to mind. When I told her I usually run 10/1 she said you eventually reach a point where you might as well just keep running. And when I did that 10k it wasn't that first 4 km that I ran that killed me, it was the 6km AFTER that.

So I feel like I have a great start to my week! Gold star for me!!

GoodBYE 150s!!

Today the scale reads 149.8 lbs.

WOOT!!!

Next week is TOM, so it may be fleeting... lol, but I'll own it anyways! And I'll be working hard to get even further down to counteract the bloating, so if there IS a gain next week, it won't be forever!

Check this out...

Doug and I are shopping and I'm trying on these tops. There were all different colours and patterns and he was helping me decide which one I wanted. One had horizontal stripes. We liked it and as I headed back into the changeroom I said "but it has horizontal stripes". Doug responds, "yeah, they aren't always a good thing, but you're past the point of that mattering, because it didn't even register".

Woot!!!

I may actually live...

I'm definately on the mend now. I'm eating real food today. Not much of it, but it's not liquids. My head is almost cleared of cotton. Thank Gawd!!

Br: 1/2 cup cream of wheat w/ 1 tsp br sugar (pt)
Lu: leftover chicken dinner
Sn: popcorn w/ 1 tsp each margarine & olive oil, splash of vanilla & 1/2 tsp splenda
Dn: Creamy ham pesto casserole (core)

I'm able to drink water today (yesterday it hurt my stomach). I haven't excercised yet, because I just don't have the energy. Tomorrow I'll do a 30 minute meander on the dreadmill.

Not sure how the scale will react to all of this, but I'm not worried about it. It will even itself out in the long run. This is life, and sometimes it gets in the way, but that's the journey isn't it? Dealing with what life throws us and moving forward in a positive, solution oriented manner.

Game on!

Sooo Sick.

So, I had SO much fun at Cindy's 40th!! Ate all kinds of good and bad things. I was totally proud of myself for not having a chicken wing, even though I wanted one soooo badly. I had to win over something, dammit... lol.

By the end of the night my stomach was rolling with how much I ate, and I'm sooo glad I wasn't drinking! Especially since it turned out I had the flu. Yup, at 3am, there I was hugging the toilet. After a night of it, I thought it would be a lark to stand on the scale. I got down to 148.6. I'm tellin ya, I was SICK!

I'm better today, not throwing up anymore, just really really weak.