Sooo close to not eating crap.

Yesterday was a shitscene when it comes to healthy eating. I'm not gonna lie. I ate so much it was unbelievable. Mind you... it was not like "old me". Just incredibly bad for "new me". I took a sandwich plate for my brunch instead of a dinner plate, but filled it twice with Strata, ham and potatoes. Mind you, again... I probably woulda went back for a second plate with the big one, too, so not soo bad. Then I ate a couple more slices of Strata (overnight egg casserole... google it, it's awesome!). Then for dinner I had an 8oz stead, a lobster tail, and dipped the works in garlic butter. Then I saved the butter and poured it over popcorn. And I ate chips. Lots of chips.

Phwooo, I needed to get back to clean eating!!

So, breakfast this morning was yummy yummy oatmeal, with a third of a banana and a quarter cup craisins. Super delicious and nutritious.




I forgot to take a pic of lunch!!!! Bizarre!! I had a quarter cup of egg white fried in a nonstick pan with chives from the garden. I served it on a Burger First bun with a half of a smashed avocado and a cheese slice.

Then for snack, after my 2 mile run I had an apple with yogurt, granola and chocolate chips. Holy tasty chewy goodness!




Then these potato chips may have jumped in my mouth. It's possible.

MOVE ALONG, MOVE ALONG!!




To compensate (or BALANCE) those nefarious potato chips, I had a salad for dinner. Ground extra lean chicken, fried in a cast iron pan with some cumen served over 3oz greens drizzled with Meditteranian Balsamic Vinigrette. A half of a Burger First bun with a smear of lowfat caesar (mom's recipe) and a half ounce of cheddar for garlic cheese bread went a LONG way to not feeling deprived with my salad.

So, as I said, I did do a run today. But I am sure I'm lacking calories due to those damn chips, so I'm going to do another workout after dinner while watching movies.

Balance. It's what I do. It's how I roll. (actually, I guess it's how I don't become rolly, lol)

♥♥♥
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Happy Father's Day to All

To the Fathers: Thank you for giving of your essence to create a wonderful gift in our children. Thank you .

To the Step Fathers: Thank you for being there, despite not having to. Thank you for your understanding despite the frustration that comes when a child is not biologically yours. Thank you for sticking around, where many wouldn't. Thank you for stepping in, and loving. Thank you for stepping back, and loving. Thank you.

To the Absentee Fathers: Thank you for giving the gift of taking your poisonous self elsewhere and not damaging your children any more than you have. Thank you for doing the right thing, and knowing that your influence would harm them more than your abandonment. Thank you.

To the Disowned Fathers: Thank you for respecting your child's wishes, even if you don't understand. Thank you for allowing your child the freedom to live their own lives. Thank you.

To the Moms of kids with no dads: Thank you for doing your best to fulfill both roles in your children's lives. Thank you.

I miss so many people today. My father whom will not speak to me despite my extending an olive branch after 20 years of disownment. My bio father, just because I do not know him, yet I am a part of him. Doug Sr. My friend, my lover, father of my firstborn. Deceased now, which was the best parenting he ever did (long sad story of drug addiction). My birth mother, who lives 12 hours away, and is the only parent who cared enough to love me despite everything, even when she didn't know me, and who strives to be the best parent she can be and does an awesome job of it. My mom that raised me, despite our rocky relationship. I think it's more missing what could or should have been.

And yet, my life is filled with amazing dad's, too. My husband, who is the kind of stepdad who doesn't want to step on toes (with the older who was nine when we met) but cares so much and just truly wants the boys to be what he sees they can be. He loves them from whatever distance or closeness they require. My ex, who is both an amazing father and an amazing stepfather. He and his wife are my friends. Not many can say that, but it's true. There is a genuine caring without hostility, and we love each others kids unconditionally. My brother in law. A father that brings tears to my eyes. If you knew him when... you would understand why. He navigates the world of little girls growing up with wide eyes, a firm hand, and a gentle shake of his head. I so admire him. And all of these people are my nearest and dearest. I am so blessed.

To all who have fathers and all who don't. Think today of the blessings, and let's minimize the sad as much as we can. We'll take a moment and mourn the losses... absolutely. But from there I plan on celebrating those that are IN my life. I'm too blessed not to.


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Crazy Thursday

It just seemed that work took forEVER today. Some days are way longer than others. Today was one of them. It didn't help that I woke up nine minutes before I was to start work. Luckily my commute is across the hallway into my office. Unfortunately it meant breakfast on the run, which consisted of a banana and a cup of coffee. Not good.

Lunchtime came and I was STARVING. So I made a chicken sandwich with a Burger First bun, a half an avocado and a slice of cheese. These buns are to die for, seriously.



Two days in a row taking a pic of snack! That's a record I think!!

I had yogurt, granola, choco chips and almonds. But then it wasn't filling enough, so I grabbed a piece of bison pepperoni. Which I forgot to take a pic of. Damn.

I've been craving pasta, so for dinner I did a whole wheat rotini casserole with roasted turkey thigh, celery, onions, and yellow peppers. For a "sauce" I opened up three packets of pesto mix, mixed them with water, and stirred it into the cooked ingredients. Then I dumped the works into a roasting pan, and baked it for 40 minutes. So delicious, and light! No heavy sauce. No oily pesto. All the flavour, a fraction of the calories.

Later I'm going to have a vitamuffin, and that will put me in the green for the day (my fibre was red without it). Total calories for the day: 1669

For workout today I did some step aerobics, went for a run, and went for a walk. May walk or run later... not sure yet. May not. I certainly don't need to, since I'm in the green. Woot!

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Happy Hump Day!

I giggle when I say that... especially today. My hubby went and put a down payment on a motorbike, came home and said "somebody is gettin some tonight!!". ROFL

Confession: I may or may not have indulged in waaaay too much popcorn and butter last night. Leaning towards the "may". That is all.

Today I'm craving crap. So I chose to indulge... :)

Breakfast I went light on. Ancient Grain cereal, half a banana, milk and vitamins. This cereal is a total "meh". Not great, but it's good fuel. That's about all it has going for it. I will not be buying it again. Healthy does not have to taste like cardboard.



Omg, lunch was good. And a psychology trip, too. I had the leftover buffalo burger on a Burger First seasoned bun with caesar dressing and a half an avocado. The psych part comes in with the cutting of it. I knew I'd want more because it is so damn tasty. So I cut it in four, so I felt like I had four pieces instead of one. *shrug* It works for me. I was totally satisfied, where last night I wished for another burger, and came damn close to making one, just to taste it all over again.

Hmmmm, now that I say that, I see why I had the popcorn. Interesting.



Look! I remembered to photograph my snack!! (ignore the big bite marks out of the end)




Sweet had to join the savoury, and that meant a vitamuffin. And yep, it was JUST as good today as it was yesterday. Woot!!

Here's the real crap part of my diet today. Planned and accounted for. :)

Hot dogs and macaroni. Although, I have to say, the hot dogs were not really a ten. Oh, I ate them anyways, because I was hungry and I was craving them. But I know I will not be craving them for a very long time. The white bread was blah, and the weiners were kinda flavourless. The macaroni was excellent. Just what I wanted it to be. I only had a 1/2 cup, and toyed with going with a whole cup and damn the caloric consequences. However, I am satisfied with my half cup and happy with my choice at the same time.

See the weiner eyeing the weiners??

For a workout today I did NOT run. (see last post) However, I felt the need to do something, so I could have macaroni and white buns. So I did a 20 minute circuit training session and did a good half hour's worth of dancing today.

I also will have to go for a walk later... maybe. I'm only 174 calories over my budget (total today is 1713). The good news is that in my trend, I'm still at a deficit of 411 calories a day.

That's one thing I love about NutriMirror. Not only do you see your day to day, but also a two week snapshot. And I can see in black and white that I am on a good trend. I do have to bring my fibre up a bit, but otherwise I'm in the green with all my nutrients.

♥♥♥,
Dee

Harumph.

Isn't it funny that while I'm recovering, or trying to recover, from being sick, it's NOW that I want to go out for a run? WTF?? I haven't had the urge to run in weeks. But now that I have no lung capacity and my previous post points out, I should be resting... NOW is when I want to go for a run?

*shakes head at the irony*

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Things that make you go "Huh!"

I just read this post over at Oh She Glows, and this part struck me: Did you know that intense workouts suppress immune system function? That is often why people get sick when they are over-doing it with cardio or shortly following an intense race. Because the body is working so hard to repair itself, immune function is not at its’ best!

All of a sudden my being ridiculously sick makes sense. I had pretty much recovered by the time Saturday came. But five hours of dancing pretty much equates to a marathon in my life. It burns more calories than a 10km run, anyways. So my immune system took a nose dive, and hear I sit, sick and coughing.

Wild.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

It's Tuesday? Not Friday? Come ON!!

I'm exhausted as if it were Friday. Two nights of fitful sleep because of this damn coughing. ARGH!!

And boy, does it ever affect the scale! I just about fell over when it said 149.2 this morning. I know damn rights that is not correct, and that my weight is in a fluctuation trying to compensate for my lack of sleep. But still shocking, lemme tell ya. Fortunately, I'm educated enough to just shrug it off. I know what I'm doing and what I'm not doing.

Breakfast was yogurt, granola, 1/2 a banana, chocolate chips and almonds. Will I ever get sick of this combination, or variations of this combination? I'm thinking not. Although, I have been craving my egg bagel thingy lately. But it could just be a bread craving, since I'm eating so much of it lately.



Speaking of bread... lunch! A half a sammich with a half an avocado and a slice of tomato. Refreshing! Throw a piece of bison pepperoni on that plate and it is good. But even better? That there vitamuffin.

Have you ever had a vitamuffin? Holy sheep shit!! This is a double chocolate one, and when I pulled it out of the box I thought "it's small". Shrugging, I threw it in the microwave for 20 seconds. After I finished my sandwich and pepperoni, I ripped off a taste of the muffin. And then proceeded to ram it in my gob as fast as humanly possible, smushing the glorious flavour all over my mouth. Seriously decadent. It actually is so moist and delicious that it TASTES like it is iced. And it's not. And it's only 100 calories. Gobsmacking. (ha ha)

*NOTE: I am not turning into a 100 calorie food junkie. Just looking for treats and alternatives that I can add into my days to make them more exciting. Eating this I still remained completely green*



One day I will remember to take pics of my snack. One day. Pfffft.

Today I had yogurt with a peach cut up and a tablespoon of almonds with a squirt of vanilla.

Dinner was soooooo good! I had a burger first bun that was flavoured. I can't remember what the flavour is, but it was really delicious. On that bun was a smooge of half fat ceasar dressing, 1/4 of an avocado, a slice of ff cheese, 1/6th of an onion, fried, and bison. A slice of mini watermelon, and an ounce of greens with a dollop of blue cheese dressing rounded it right out.

Doesn't that look awesome?



I did a half hour of step aerobics today, ran to pick up my neice, and walked her home, did about a half hour of dancing, and then planted my garden for an hour. So I had lots of calories to eat. Love it!

Total calories for the day: 1679 And I still have 200 I can play with.

And now I'm off to pick up my son. He just called begging for a ride. Have a good night!


Thanks for listening,

Dee

Ahhhh, Monday!

Comfort food for breakfast. Oatmeal with almonds, craisins and chocolate chips. Nothing like tummy comfort food when one is cranky and pissed off from lack of sleep. This and coffee = sanity and noone dying.



Lunch I was craving a sandwich. Weird. So I had a half a tomato sandwich with a smear of 1/2 fat mayo. Because I've not been fantastic about getting all my veggies in me lately, I had a side salad of baby greens, topped with a spoodge of blue cheese dressing. Yum!



Damn... I forgot to take a pic of the piece of bison pepperoni I had for snack. Suffice it to say, it was delicious, and you will definately be seeing it here a time or two. It has the same nutritional data as turkey pepperoni, and is just as tasty. Yum. (I say yum a lot, don't I?) I bought it at Organic World, where I get my lean Bison for 1.99 a pound. You'll see THAT this week, too. Bison burgers. Slurp.

I also had tofurky wrapped around cheese. Craving protein you think??

But check out dinner!! That there is some smashed cauliflower with sour cream, chives and bacon bits folded into it, yes it is! With a slice o' garlic cheese bread and a chicken breast. Dare I say it again? Yes, I will! YUM!!



Total calories for the day: 1280.


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Oy Vey...

I am a tired girl. Last night I kept myself awake coughing and coughing and coughing. I ended up propping my sorry self up and sleeping in an upright position. Pure exaustion.

Saturday was an awesome day. I didn't spend a lot of calories during the day. I was balancing them out because I knew I was going drinking. But I danced for about five hours, so balanced out there, as well. So much so that the next morning the scale said I had lost an entire pound. Usually, if I am drinking without dancing, I'll have gained a pound or two. LOL

Sunday I was sooo tired. Not hung over, just tired. For some stupid reason I couldn't sleep in, so I only had about four hours of sleep, after the marathon of dancing. And then Steve wanted to go out motorbike shopping. So I dragged my ass with him. He rewarded me with lunch. Me'N'Ed's pizza! Woot!! I freakin LOVE Me'N'Ed's pizza!! And we haven't had it in almost two years, too. So it was an extra awesome treat.

That was at about 2pm, so needless to say, dinner wasn't happening. I had eaten half of a medium pizza, so I was all good. But by 7pm, my throat was on fire, and I decided that the only thing that could fix it was a banana cream pie blizzard. And I was right! It did fix it! Hee hee hee.

Today I am back in action, on plan. Oatmeal for breakfast. I need to go do some grocery shopping for some healthy lunch options for the boy and I for this week. Plus, he'll want green monsters for breakfast, and I'm all about accomodating healthy choices!

I'm guzzling coffee this morning, trying to energize my brain. Ugh. I hate feeling like this.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

NICE!!!

I love Mail!!!

Look what came in my mail slot this morning!! I won a contest over at Trim the Fat, with my good friend, Marisa.




Yay!! Larabars!!! I had the peanut butter cookie one. O. M. G. Definately my favourite. Now to find somewhere here that sells it. Or to have a talk with the supplier at my superstore, where I get all my other flavours.





This was my breakfast yesterday. Clockwise from the white blog: 1/4 cup plain fat free probiotic organic yogurt (whew, that's a lotta words!), 1 T ground flax, 1 T toasted slivered almonds, 1 T dark chocolate chips, 1/4 cup craisins, 1/4 cup Nature's Path Organic Pumpkin Flax Granola. A bowl of dessert for breakfast. Yep, you've seen it all week, and I'm sure you'll be seeing it again.







My lunch was freakin AWESOME!! This Thai Chili Tuna in whole wheat couscous. Filling and delicious!!

I ate dinner at work. I had sushi. My calories for the day? 1557

Tonight I dance! I'm so stoked... I found a little out of the way bar that I'm hoping I can talk my people into going to. There's a pool table for the guys, that's free. And it's never busy. And when I spoke to the owner last night, he said I can bring in a playlist, and we can OWN the dancefloor. Now to introduce the idea to my peeps. Tommy's is fun, but it is all little children (19 year olds), and our guys don't dance, so I'm not sure they would enjoy it as much as The Wolf. Anyways, I'll just suggest it. Tommy's would still be a blast.

It's reminiscent for me of a place we used to go to, before anyone else discovered it. We literally owned the dancefloor. We would go all the time, just to go dancing. It was so awesome. They catered to us because we were regulars, and we were their best customers. The Wolf is like that. They were bending over BACKWARDS to accomodate me if I could bring the party in tonight. He he he.

Either way, I am dancing my FACE off tonight. I'm debating what to wear. I'm thinking of going country. Wearing the same outfit that is in my profile pic. I felt HAWT in that. I see many clothes flying around the room tonight, as I change over and over. LOL

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Friday Again

Today is my insane work day, where I work all of my jobs on one day, from 9am until 10pm. So no time for a real workout. However, I do have my radio on out in the living room, and if I find myself distracted by a toe tapper, I jump up and run out and dance. So I get a bit of a workout... about three minutes at a time. But hey, everything counts, right? LOL

Last night was WONDERFUL. Steve and I took the dogs and went for a walk. I tracked it on www.trackmyrun.com and it was 5.8 km (3.5 miles). It took us just over an hour. Nice!! The dogs were tuckered, lemme tell ya. Those little legs...

It felt good to just get out of the house. And I'm so glad Steve and I connected. I love spending time with him like that. Thank god for reruns on TV, so he's not so tied to it!!

He's been a real rock for me in the past few days. He has no idea what's been happening in my blog world, or with the emotional turmoil I've been going through. I don't tend to share those things with him, prefering to keep my happy home life seperate from my stress areas, so that I have a warm fuzzy safe place. Little does he know, that he's been really helping lately with what he has been telling me.

First he was saying the other night that one of the guys that he works with commented on his travel mug (it has a pic of me blowing him a kiss engraved on it, our tenth anniversary present to him), and saying "god, you mean you have to see your wife's face every time you drink coffee?" And Steve was kinda shocked, he said, because he really LOVES seeing my face all day. Then they had a conversation where the guys were bitching about their naggy negative wives, and Steve came home to tell me how he felt bad for them, because he is so happyily married and really really LIKES his wife and is totally in love with her. Her, of course, being me. A very HAPPY me. He came home to tell me that on the first day of this stress cycle.

Sure there are times where I can bitch about him. Yes, I wish he got off the couch more. But overall? I'm one lucky lucky lady. We never fight. He rescues me when I need it. He leaves me alone when I need it. And he loves me. And he likes me. And he completes me.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Yummy Beans!!

I had the BEST dinner!!! 3oz pork loin, 3/4 cup of baked beans, and steamed broccoli. YUM!!


And I'm totally green for the day, too!

Here's my caloric breakdown:

Breakfast: 355
Lunch: 177 (wasn't really hungry)
Snacks: 199
Supper: 457

Total: 1188, which means if I want a snack after dinner, I can have one and STILL be all good!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Interesting...

I lost three followers after my post yesterday.

Back to the eats!

This here has been an integral part of my "Breakfast of Champions" this week.


To accompany it, 1/2 cup yogurt, 1/4 cup granola, 1/4 cup craisins, 1 tablepsoon almonds and 1 tablespoon dark chocolate chips.




I was so thrilled with myself at lunch. I still don't have a huge appetite, so I put 2 tablespoons of black olive hummus on 3 stonewheat thins, with yellow pepper. 4 sweet cherries are my dessert. I cannot get over how many calories are in cherries!!! Holy crappers they add up quickly!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Unwitting Guest Blogger

One of the comments on my Crossroads blog needs to be placed front and center:

Sesame Wrote:

Different identities/hats-

We all have different hats that we wear, different identities, and different sides of ourselves that we share with others. When certain topics arise we exercise different levels of censorship and/or tailor our message, depending on the audience. Agreed?

So, I confess, I have religiously been checking your blog to see how your thoughts poured out following our lunch conversations. I have a heavy investment in your happiness and desperately wish for tough stages to pass quickly.

I’ve read the responses from your fellow bloggers that say such things as “don’t sensor yourself” and “your blog, say what you want”. These are responses I expected. They also use blogs to work through their thoughts, stages, struggles, victories etc. so they share that, in a unique community, with you. They share that same sense of entitlement and view blogs somewhat as a “shared diary”. I get it. I can’t argue their points.

That said, I began to think about the different communities you have and the level of engagement/impact you have with each.

Obviously what you say on your blog would not have the same impact that a face to face conversation, expression, passing comment, evening together would have. If your day to day intimate people are upset by what they read on your blog, it then becomes a case of “two worlds colliding”, I think.

Really, if people are going to go there to read it, they do so with a level of risk. As many have said, this is where the uncensored version of you appears and you have every right to that.
Those of us in your intimate day to day world who decide to peep at you in that community also have the opportunity to talk to you personally about what you write, think, work through. That said, if we don’t find that reading your blog is complimenting the relationship, we also have the option not to read it and keep the relationship purely personal. (I bounce between these two, depending on the day, but I know you are only a porch chat away if I want to talk to you further about something that may or may not relate to or refer to me).

She's right... lots of bloggers don't tell their real life world about their blog, so that they have the freedom to purge and be real and journal their journey with whole honesty and truth in their feelings. The good, bad AND ugly.

I have to admit, I've been cringing at the responses I'm getting to my Crossroads entry. This was all triggered by a personal issue, and every "you go girl" response I'm getting, I'm picturing that person sitting back and taking it all as a personal attack on herself.

I'm not looking for assurance. I'm not looking for permissions. I'm not looking for anything, really. I just want to diariaze where I am today, find and use the tools to work through it, and be able to look back on it later and note what worked and what didn't, for future use.

Thank you, my friends, for your support. Thank you for your comments. I do appreciate each and every one of you. And I will continue to be true to me on here. Why? Because this is my personal diary. Read at your own risk...

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Crossroads

I find myself at a crossroad in life. And I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. I'm kinda standing here, scuffing my toe back and forth, wondering if I'm going insane, or if the world is sending me a message, or what.

I think the word I keep coming back to is "balance". In life we try and always find the right balance in everything. In work vs home. In play vs serious. In OCD clean vs Disgustinly slovenliness. In healthy eating and excercising. In pretty much everything we do, we strive for a balance.

When you go through a major life changing event, it tends to change values and perspectives. It changes your view on things. And some people will say it changes a person as a whole.

In Dale Carnegie there is a saying: People don't fear change. They fear the way they percieve change is being forced upon them.

Is this true? Or do we really really fear change itself.

I've changed. I've been accused of it, and quite frankly, it's true. My values are different. My perspectives are different. I see the world through different lenses than I did before. I have different guidlelines. I have different lines. I have different expectations of myself. And maybe I have different expectations of others, too. Which is not always fair.

It was recently pointed out to me that I have said some incredibly hurtful things. Now anyone who knows me well knows that I would never intentionally hurt someone with my words. And if I have, please please, call me out on it, and gently let me know how I've offended, because for the love of gawd, I would want to change my wording and explain myself. And by calling me out, I don't mean by being condescending or finger pointing, but rather solution oriented and goal setting. I am all up for positive speak and reinforcement.

I had an amazing conversation today about this whole topic. I had a lot of AHA moments. One of the things that was pointed out to me was that in order to be succesfull in my weightloss journey, I had to become very "me-centric" or "me-oriented". And now that I'm here, I struggle now with finding my new niche. And finding the balance of still staying true to me (after all, it is still true that I can be difficult, or I can be fat), and incorporating the needs and wants of those close to my heart.

What I'm having the hardest time with is when I say something, and I'm being completely me-centric, but the person that I am saying it to, or that is reading my blog, takes it personally and is offended. There are some that are so close to me that they are able to take that step back and say "whoa... okay, now what does she really mean by that, because I know Dee, and how I read it is NOT how she meant it". But there are others that don't have the years and years of communication dynamics, that struggle with my words and read me all wrong. And then call me out on it. And then it's an ugly finger pointing match. And while I'm fine, I worry that they are not, and that they will hold it against me until the end of time.

Look, basically, hear this... this is my blog, and I write shit here, and no... I don't think all the time. Posts like this are literally just my fingertips tapping out my thoughts. There is no political correctness. There is no "should I say that". I just say it. If you don't know me well, please listen to this very carefully: I would never EVER intentionally hurt anyone EVER. EVER. Can I say it any clearer? If it's politically incorrect, or something that I have found offensive about my own fat body or mind (cuz I've had both), please do not internalize it. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about me.

This is supposed to be my safe place to come and talk and just blah out my thoughts. But as I've seen a bizmillion times in the blog world... sometimes that comes up against a thorny wall.

But back to balance. Another thing that was pointed out to me today is how often my physical appearance is commented on. I get emails to "Slim". The first thing people say to me is "wow, you look amazing". It happens all the time. And it is not like I'm not grateful, but ya'll wonder how I can be so me-centric? Hell, how can I not be?? I am defined by my body. We, as a society, define people by something about them. "Your remember Kerri? Dark hair? Big boobs? Yeah, her!" It's a fact.

I've been told that sometimes it's hard to order a meal in front of me, because there is concern that I am going to judge, or add up the calories in my head. Fair enough. I do add up the calories in my head. I can't help it. I'm educated in it, and in some ways it SUCKS. When I was uneducated, fat, and blissfully unaware, I could order a deep fried platter of appies, a milkshake, a burger and fries, and not be concerned about the fact that it was probably close to 4000 calories and I should only be eating under 2000 a day for the WHOLE day. But now I know better.

But here's the thing. I may be aware of your caloric intake, but it's NOT MY JOURNEY. And hey, maybe you've been super great and are splurging. That's balance. Why are you concerned about what I think? Christ, if there's one thing I've learned in this past two years, it's that you cannot judge a book by it's cover. You never know where that person is in their journey through life. Maybe they have lost 200 pounds and have another 100 to go. Maybe they have a debilitating disease that they cannot lose weight with. Maybe they lost their mother last year, and are still suffering through mourning, and icecream really really helps. Who knows, right? Noone can judge. And if they do, let em. It's no skin off your ass.

And I know what it's like. Both as a fat person getting healthy, and as a healthy person having a treat. The other night I was out for a late night treat. I debated back and forth over something healthy, to set an example and show how good I am, or the brownie ala mode because I really was feeling crappy and wanted a treat. I went with the brownie. But I agonized over it for a few seconds.

People think that when you get to goal, that everything is all hunky dory. It's not. Issues that haven't been dealt with are still there. New issues crop up (sometimes daily, it seems). But we do what we always do. Try and find the balance. Try and figure out how to step around everyone's issues, without tromping on them. And when we make a wrong step, apologize and file it in the box of nosays for that person.

As we get older, we have more issues, more baggage, more sensitivities. I keep coming across things I cannot converse with certain people about. It seems to be more and more lately. It's like I'm being judged for judging, and all because I got to goal. Maybe I've been too honest with some people in my life. They aren't where I am. Maybe I should choose whom I speak with more carefully. Or maybe I should not speak at all sometimes.

I miss being able to share all my thoughts. I miss being able to have someone to relate to. I miss not being in the club.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

How to lose me as a follower:

Music on your blog.

Nothing like getting busted at work for reading blogs by music playing. Not that I work in an office, but I think that every time. For me it's because I open four blogs in different tabs at a time, then read until I'm done them, then open four more. I hate having to scramble to figure out which one is playing the damn music, and having to scroll down every page looking for the feature, so I can hit the pause button.

Now I just delete the blog. Which is sad, cuz I like the blogs. I just hate the music.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

My Current Struggle...

... is appetite. As in I don't have one. I'm fighting a cold (DIE COLD DIE), and it's left me not hungry in the least.

Blah.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Epiphany

I was watching my niece's concert last night (which was ammmaaaazing) and I'm looking at her director and admiring her red hair. Ferria Red. And I had a though...

I have always been a "look at me" person. I crave attention.

Whoa. Back up. I just realized as I wrote that... that's where it comes from. My childhood. Wanting to be noticed. Wanting to be loved like Donny and Danny (my adoptive parents' natural children, whom my mother favoured) were. Wanting the positive attention, but taking anything I could get. Which turned to negative attention until I was midteens when it turned into sexual attention from whomever I could get it from.

Anyways, okay (deep breathe) and that is a quick snapshot of why I'm an attention whore. Or pretty much any kind of whore, LOL!!! Currently a married whore, who has her attention seeking firmly under control because she gets it in spades from her husband so doesn't need it elsewhere.

Except I still need attention, and am an outrageous flirt because of it.

But I digress... Back to the hair.

Fat people don't get noticed. Fat people live in a world of non attention. One of the strangest things for me when I started getting into the thinner stages of losing the weight was when people started randomly talking to me. I'll never forget being in Safeway, and the veggie guy just started yakking at me. I thought it was the strangest thing ever. And I recalled that the previous week, the same thing had happened to me at another store. And BAM, it hit me. People had stopped talking to me when I gained weight!!

I never noticed, because I always talked to THEM. But the reality is, or so it seems, that people are not comfortable talking to round people. Why? I don't know. But it's true.

This is why I had the hair that you see in the above pictures. People DO comment on funky hair. I was fat (can you see the way I posed, hiding my chins?) and never got the attention I craved. So I coloured my hair outrageously, looking to be noticed.

This is also why I could never understand the mindset of "hiding behind your fat". I was never hiding behind it. That was not my issue. Mine was a love issue. Eating equated to love. I crave love. Makes sense, right?

A huge part of my journey has been my hair. I now have it back to my natural colour, for the first time in my adult life (outside of when I was pregant with Logan, when the colour wouldn't take). It's a big thing for me to "just be me". And as I'm staring and admiring Fiona's hair last night, I'm thinking "I don't need that hair anymore".

Yay, me? Maybe. Maybe not. The sick cycle is still in place. But now I get the attention with my body. I get it with my face. I get it with my smile. I get it with my flirty eyes. I get it with every double take as I walk down the street.

It's funny... I walk with my friends and family and I watch for how people react to me. And when I comment on it to my peep, they didn't see it. Except for a couple of my soul mates, who are also watching for it (you know who you are *prongs fingers from my eyes to yours*). But most of my people live in the land of oblivion. Usually on purpose. Possibly afraid to see people's reaction to their physical being.

Personally, I think that is sad, because there are more positive than negative looks out there in the world.

So anyways... that was my epiphany. I coloured my hair outrageously because I craved the attention I wasn't getting because I was fat. Now that I am healthy, I want people to notice and love me for who I am, and what I've worked to look like today. Is that shallow? *shrug* It's who I am, it's how I roll.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Magdalicious

Please welcome again, my sister, Magda of Magdalicious... the blog. Anyone who follows me knows that Magda is always the first to let me know how I can fix whatever I've broken that day, and has been absolutely inspirational to me, in her mildly abusive way of teaching me that I am a dumbass when it comes to sports medicine.

Magda is not a doctor but she's a naturally athletic person who has had years and years (decades even) of coaching. So what she considers "common knowledge" isn't always so common to us that are starting out into this scary world of fitness and excercise. That is why I asked her to contribute here. Enjoy...

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Magda's words of wisdom (hahhahahahahha)

Shit. I didn't forget that I was meant to do this every week... but damn it if the week doesn't just sneak up on you all unexpected like, that and life (as Dee will attest to) has just been getting in the 'way' for me recently. Regardless here we go.

Wait quick side note, seems I come up with idea's when running... ;) maybe I should run more :P (boo I can't format it all pretty because I have to email it.. oh well)

Shin splints: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shin_splints

From what I hear they suck, some serious ass, I've never had them personally for a multitude of reasons. I've been a runner (and yet I still don't have a running belt.. [looks a Dee side ways and smirks] since I was a little kid (as in competitive all through elementary to high school until my 'accident'). As a result I received all kinds of training and just general practice that prevented them. As a result of learning it all so young I have no idea what was relevant and what wasn't. But in High school a lot of the other athletes had problems (maybe I'm just lucky?), so we got speeches all the time on different topics. Another reason I've never suffered with shin splints is I know the warning signs and then do what is needed to prevent them.

Basically, shin splints make your shins ache and hurt like a mofo, and when you run make it feels like the bone is splintering (or so I'm told). The warning signs are you shins ache and hurt while running (or any bouncy sport) and continue to ache a little after your done. DO NOT LET IT GET WORSE!

Shin splints, when full blown, make it painful to even walk and take a VERY long time to heal.

Ways to prevent them:

StretchingI hate stretching, it's childish I know, but I just don't do it as much as I should. You really should stretch all major muscles BEFORE and AFTER running (actually anything). It loosens the muscles and warms them up to prevent injury, and after it helps release tension and lactic acid build up, it's not hype it's true. Stretching your shins will help prevent and fix the first signs of shin splints.

Shincercises <-- I love making up words Exercises your shins, and calves (balance and all, plus it's hard to work one with out working the other). These are ordered by general difficulty:

1)Sitting in a chair, put your feet flat against the floor, and lift your toes as high as they will go, repeat for hours :D just kidding do it as much as you want (more is better).

2) stand up, feet flat on the floor, and lift up to your toes and back down.. (again for ages)

3) get something about and inch or two thick, stand on it with the front half of your foot so your heels are in the air, lift up high on your toes, lower down so your heels are almost touching the floor (SLOWLY) rinse, repeat.

4) Same as three but 'higher level' do it on the stairs mid foot (ball) on the stairs, heels hanging off the edge. Lift up and then down slowly. DO NOT go to low down it is not a stretch, you can hurt yourself if you go to far and do it SLOWLY you can tear a muscle or tendon if you go to fast and too far (You'd have to be an idiot about it.. but some people get excited and don't think :P)

That's it really, just do little exercises to strengthen the area and stretch and it will prevent shin splints, if you already have them as beast as I know this will help make them go away but I have no first hand knowledge on the subject. I'm pretty lazy about prevention, but this is one to make the effort for... seriously.

I was going to make a video demonstrating what I was talking about but, to be honest if we wait for that we're going to be waiting a long time. If anyone has any questions, just ask away. :)

Disclaimer: I am not a professional, I just did a lot of sports and trained competitively for running, skiing, boxing and a few others. As a result I've had my fair share of injuries and coaches telling me what to do combined with my own personal opinions and insight.

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Thanks, Magda! I've never suffered them (THANK GAWD) but our other sister, Sam, has. Terribly. Because I saw her go through runners hell with them, I've always been careful to stretch and stop at the first inkling of something wrong.

LOVES having a POLE!!

I put the pole up on Thursday and was so bummed because I havent' been able to have fun on it yet, so Friday (I work from home), I kept the music low in the living room and whenever a fun song came on, I ran out there and danced around the pole. LOVE IT!!

Last night, I came home from my Friday night chinese delivery job and popped in my earbuds, ignored my husband and did a half hour dance session. Holy workout, batman!! I was sweating, and muscles were fatigued, lemme tell ya! And fun? Soooo fun! It feels so decadent to pole dance!

It's not a super sturdy pole that you can swing off of, but it's enough that you can a little bit, and have super fun.

But the major point is that I'm burning calories! And having a super time doing it. And you know what? I don't care who's watching! Okay, that's a lie... I was in my own little bubble last night, having a grand time when I saw Steve watching me. Instafumble. I told him to watch his tv, not me, LOL. He can watch with his periph, but straight on ogling makes me waaay to self concious.

You know what it reminds me of? The feeling of dancing on the speakers at the club. That whole decadent "I'm doing something mildly naughty" feeling. And anyone that knows me knows I totally get off on that sort of stuff. We have a bridge that has a counterflow lane. I ALWAYS take that lane. Why? Because technically you are driving the wrong way for that road. Little decadent, even if it's allowed. That's how I roll (said with a completely straight face).

Yes, you young hooligans, this is what rebel at 40 looks like.

BWAAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHA, I crack me up. *wipes tear from eye*


Thanks for listening,

Dee

Happy Thursday!

Is it hot where you are? It's killer smokin hot here! Right now (6:30pm PST) it's 32 degrees. Yikes!! Thank gawd I lost the weight. I hated sweating for now reason!! A couple of years ago, this would have seriously done a number on me.

What did you eat today? I got a little adventurous. I had hit a farmers market in Surrey last night, so I got some different goodies. I made salsa!! Why, yes I did!! Onnnly thing is the peppers I used? Yeah, damn hot. Phew!!!! Makes my mouf all tingly. *waves hand in face*

Breaky was ye ol' standby. Why? Cuz I love it. Oatmeal, craisins & almonds. Total Calories: 364


Lunch was something new to me. I had picked up some black olive hummus. So I made a crackwrap with it. 3 T of the hummus, an ounce of mozza, and an ounce of spinach leaves, wilted. I panini'ed or grilled or whatever you wanna call it, that bad boy. On the side is a peach. Mmmm, peach. You know what I could do for hours? :) :) Total Calories: 332


I only took pics of one of my snacks. :( Poo.

No, I didn't eat poo. That's me pouting.

Snacks: At 10am I had a Jello, and then in the afternoon I ate a Kohlorabi, and a celery filled with ridiculously hot salsa. Total Snack Calories: 50



Dinner I decided I wanted more of that ridiculously hot salsa. I had pulled out some BBQ pork, but I didn't want a huge portion of it (holy Calories, Batman!!). So I had 2 oz of the pork, 1/2 cup of the salsa, 2 egg whites, and 2 oz of spinach. Then I sprinkled 2 tablespoons of full fat blue cheese dressing on top. Total Calories: 323

Colourful and bright, huh? Tasty, too. The egg white and the dressing really tamed down the salsa and let the flavour shine through the hot. Twas delicious! And the men are happy, because they got Kraft Dinner with BBQ Pork. NSV that I didn't even have a bite. No craving for it whatsoever. Woot!

I've only eaten 1068 calories today, so I've got to have a snack later tonight. I'm too full of my salad right now to even contemplate food.

I want to go play on my stripper pole... but my husband is on the couch. And I certainly don't want him witnessing my first fumbling attempts at being sexy. Lord knows it won't be. And the only room big enough to have it is the living room. Argh. And this week has been so busy that I haven't been able to get a chance to play on it.

Steve just came in here and I told him my dilemma and he laughed at me. Rat. He won't move it. He wants it riiight where it is. LOL Of course he does!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Yummy Day and My Suprise!

I get up this morning, looking forward to my GM, but can't find the blender. Open the fridge, and this is what I see:



Uh oh... Logan slept in? Nope, he was up coughing all night, and purposefully slept in. Poor dude.

But this means poor me, too! My tastebuds were all set for a Green Monster! Ah well, oatmeal with craisins and almonds will have to do. Total Calories: 334

I read somewhere recently that cooked spinach has WAY more calcium than raw. So lunch today was a shredded chicken breast and 3oz of steamed spinach. Total Calories: 161

Snack was the Tofurky/cheese combo again, because MAN is it good! In the car on the way out to Surrey I had a Pistachio Larabar. Meh. Not a ten. It won't be on my list of must haves. Total Snack Calories: 390

I got home late because of a four ferry wait at Albion. And of course my people were sitting blinking at me, wondering if they should cook, or if I'd freak out because I had plans. They really are damned if they do and damned if they don't when I'm running late. LOL

Sushi soothes the savage cranky pms-ey beast, I tells ya. Oh, and the GREAT news? I got Steve to actually try it, and he LIKED it. Which I totally knew he would. He's just been a big giant penis about the whole thing. This means family outings (sans Doug, who hates sushi... but I'd be able to find him yummy good stuff that isn't seafood) to Japanese restaurants!!

Oh, and Total Calories: 595

The scale this morning was ever so kind. It's down to 151.6lbs. Still high, but it was obviously mostly sodium/alcohol weight on Monday morning. Whatever, it was a HELL of a wakeup call. Slapped me back into place, I tell ya.




My girlfriend Tracy was teasing me on Facebook, telling me she had something for me. YEAH she did. Check THIS out:

Do you know what that is? It's:

That's right, folks, it's POLE DANCING IN A TUBE!!! I'm so fucking STOKED. I own a POLE!!!! I'm gonna dance and daaaaance! Steve is excited, but little does he know, I'm not doing it for him. I'm doing it for ME. Cuz I think it's FUN!!

How cool is that, huh? How many people do YOU know that have their own stripper pole??

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Life is good... as is the food!

Oh, what a good eating day it has been. I'm green all the way! Starting with a Green Monster. Today's was a repeat of yesterday, so feel free to scroll on down for a list of ingredients. I probably will do the same one again tomorrow, but I've got to put something sweet in it. Maybe a half a kiwi. Stay tuned.

Breakfast of Champions. Total Calories: 257



Lunch today was courtesy of the new aisle in our SuperStore. A Guiltless Gourmet Mediterranean spinach wrap. A vegetarion wrap stuffed with tomatoes, spinach, mozza and feta. Deelish!! I served it up with some carrots. Total Calories: 322



Look what else that aisle had! I had to buy it. Steve is always joking about Tofurky.

Mom left Armstrong Old Cheddar stix in my fridge, and I reaaaally wanted to eat them. So I thought "huh, good snack idea?". Why yes it was!

Check this out! This is seriously the shit! I took that stick and cut it into four. Wrapped those badboys into rollemups. Wow! Intense!! I loved the flavour AND the texture!! I will definately be buying and eating this combo again. Total Calories: 180 Add to that my Larabar from my previous post, and total snack calories come to: 390

Dinner. Man, I love dinner. Tonight is skinless chicken thighs, fingerling potatoes with yogurt & chives, and a caesar salad with craisins. Total Calories: 456

I went for a walk today, and that's about it. But you know what? I'm okay with that. I'm eating within my caloric budget, and I did get out for 45 minutes of moving. I had two workouts yesterday. The point is to have a caloric deficit overall, which I do, which should result in a weight loss. Woot!

Tonight I am popping out to a girlfriends. She has a present for me. I can't wait to see it!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

I Apologize

I owe the blogging world a big fat apology. Why? Because I judged you. Yes, I did.

*hangs head in shame*

I secretly mocked and ridiculed those that I thought were eating crap snacks. What crap snacks, you ask? Larabars.

I. Had. No. Idea.

OMG, these are a perfect snack!! Today I ate the Lemon Bar, which is one that has more ingredients than some of the other Larabars. I'll list them for you: Dates, Cashews, Almonds, Lemon Juice Concentrate, Natural Lemon Flavours. Yeah, that's it.




I thought these were granola bars. I finally found a store that had them on cheap, and decided to pick one up and read it. I just about fell over! I eat the Weil bars (which are twice the price) and scoffed at these?? That's ridiculous. I mean look at this pic... that is an almond sticking out of that lemony goodness!!



These are a seriously good snack. And healthy. And I apologize to the blogging community. I mocked. I judged. And I was wrong.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

The Road to Hell is Paved With...

Doughnuts. More specifically, apple fritters. From Tim Horton's. Damn my oldest son who brought that into my home and forced me to inhale one, screaming internally the entire time. (yeah, like it's HIS fault I'm a food addict. pffft)

The good news is that I'm still well within my caloric budget for weight loss for the day.

I actually did pretty good all day, except for that frittery moment (which was a total 10, btw, which is the only reason I ate the WHOLE thing instead of the bite I was going to).

Breakfast was a Green Monster with vitamins. Today's had 1/4 cup each of milk, almond breeze and plain yogurt, a half a very ripe banana, vanilla, 50grams of tofu, and a tablespoon of flax, whipped up with a good handful of spinach. Total Calories: 257



Lunch I was indecisive, since I haven't gone shopping yet. So I raided the cupboards and came up with this bowl. It has couscous, fried tofu, mushrooms, tomatos and Frank's hot sauce. Total Calories: 237

Snack was the stupid fritter first, then, after my workout and during grocery shopping I got stupid hungry, so I ate a Larabar. Total Calories: 500 (wow)

Dinner is YUM! I picked up a rotisserie chicken and a bag o spinach. I have here three ounces of spinach, smeared with a tablespoon of mom's caesar dressing (wicked good), with a half a chicken breast, a quarter cup craisins, and a garlic cheese flax toast slice. Total Calories: 581

And here is a pic of my mummy's new puppy!

She wouldn't cooperate at all, lol.

I've done really well with workouts today. I did a Denise Austin Dance DVD earlier, which was an hour long, and tonight we are going to the track to run. Ooo, that's cool! Because I just realized that I'm all in the green on NutriMirror WITHOUT the running!! So I'm doing even BETTER than I thought!!

Go me!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Scary

156.2

That is the number on the scale this morning. I gave myself a food vacation from Wednesday to Sunday. I didn't work out. I drank. I ate chips. I ate caesar salad. I ate ridiculous portions.

I feel like shit. I've been in a food hangover for days. I feel like my body is full of toxins. My clothes are tight. My muffin top is so pronounced that I cannot wear 2/3 of my wardrobe.

I feel fat.

What is scary is how QUICKLY that weight comes back on. This is why it's so easy to get fat again. This is why the statistics are what they are. Holy fuck! I keep saying I don't want to be a statistic. But yet, my scale is at 156.2 this morning!! Let's hope some of that is sodium.

So I can bitch or whine, but bottom line is "what are you going to do about it".

I am going to reduce my calories to 1200 a day (that's a deficit of 3-500 calories). I am going to add back in my daily workouts (I had excuses and reasons all last week and did NONE) Monday to Thursday, with or without Michelle. I am going to add in another two workouts this week. I am going to go grocery shopping and stock up on healthy nutritious CLEAN foods. I am going to cut out bread products for this week. I will snack on carroty goodness. I will throw out all crap in the fridge that I was planning on incorporating into my meals so as not to waste them. (someone said once to me "you spent the same $$ whether you eat it or not")

I am going to dance. Whenever possible. I am going to shimmy and shake and get my groove thang on and burn every extra calorie I can. I am going to work my ass off... or on. I have no ass. I have to work to have one. But I will work this stomach off!

I will NOT be a statistic. I can't. I can't for ME. I refuse to give up being sexy AGAIN. I am happy as a thinner, healthier, sexier woman of 40 than I was as a dumpy, fat, no-one-looks-twice-at 30 year old.

GAME ON!!!


Thanks for listening,

Dee