It's a Day!

Yup yup it is... things got a little hairy, emotionally, today... but I won. I did not indulge in the chocolate bar I have stashed for emergencys (yes, I have chocolate emergencys). I had a sweet cup of tea, instead, and then went for a run outside to sort my thoughts.

It's been a long time since I ran outside... especially in the -1!! Hurts the lungs, that does! But it did remind me how much I prefer it to the treadmill. Sooo much better. Still too cold to do that every day, though, so treadmill it is.

Today's eats:

Br: 1 mini bagel, halved and toasted. 1/4 cup egg white, divided, with green onion and asiago cheese.

Sn: cuppa tea with sploosh of skim

Lu: same as yesterday, soup and sandwich

Sn: cup and a half of fruit salad (pineapple, pear, strawberry, asiago)

Dn: leftover cacciatore, steamed broccoli, salsbury buffalo steak.

I'm under 1400 calories.

Last night I gave in to temptation and made fat free vanilla pudding. I was going to eat the whole thing, but then offered hubby half, which he accepted. I wasn't sure if I was happy about that or not. I'm pms-ing, which means I am HUNGRY. Not just crave-y, but actually hungry. I went to bed at nine because my stomach was growling and it was either bed or kitchen. But I didn't fall asleep until ten thirty because my tummy was actually paining me it was so hungry. But I knew that if I stepped one foot in that kitchen, it was game over.

Wish me strength for tonight...

Thanks for listening,

Dee

THIS time it's pasta!!

For you new followers, last time I craved pasta, I ended up making chili... which was good, but pissed me off because I wanted spaghetti!

This time, I was smarter... ha HA!!

I made a healthy chicken cacciatore (Italians, turn away, you will not appreciate me using your dish name for this, I'm sure).

I cooked up some whole wheat spaghettini. In a pot I put a can of diced tomatoes, garlic, and oregano. Meanwhile in a frypan, I sauteed onions, zucchini, mushrooms, carrots and celery until mostly tender. And while those where sauteeing, I finely chopped a chicken breast.

I plopped the veggies into the tomatoes, and used the pan to quick fry the chicken. Then I threw the whole works into a roaster, stirred it up and threw it in the oven where it is now bubbling away nicely.

AND the whole dinner is under 400 calories!! Can I get a WHOOP WHOOP!!!!

Here's today's eats:

Br: 1/3 cup oatmeal, 1/4 cup pineapple, 2 strawberries, 1 tablespoon PB2, milk & vitamin

Lu: same soup and sandwich I've had all week, only this time I sliced a dill pickle on it, added a teaspoon of light mayo, and toasted the bread. WAY better, and that despite the fact that it was good already!

Sn: would you believe I forgot to eat?

Appy: 1/4 cup pineapple (cuz otherwise I'll binge until dinner is ready in 45 minutes)

Dn: aforementioned chicken cacciatore

That's 1173 calories for the day!

And, today I did 5k in 42 minutes on the treadmill. Blue happy star for me!

I Rock!

Okay, that's TWICE today that I've made something and impressed the HELL out of myself.

Dinner: quick fried boneless pork loin chops, just to brown them. Then I put them on a pan and smothered them each in two tablespoons salsa, and two tablespoons asiago cheese, then baked them in the oven for twenty minutes.

They seriously taste like a restaurant dish.

DAMN I'm good!!

Dee

I had the BEST snack...

Although my sister wouldn't agree... lol.

I bought a fresh pineapple and chopped it up yesterday. So for snack today I had decided on fruit salad. I put in a cup of pineapple, three strawberries, 1/2 a pear, 1/2 cup yoghurt, and (Sam, avert your eyes) 2 tablespoons romano cheese. YUM!!!

Did ya'll watch the inaugaration this morning? I did a workout while watching it. A variation of Shredding. I did weights and cardio in one minute intervals for 30 minutes while I watched them get sworn in and then Obama's speech. It was awesome, on so many levels!!

I also went for a walk in the sunshine today to pick up my neice. Heaven! Having the sun on my face... Oh, I missed that! I don't suffer from s.a.d., luckily, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy when I feel the sun!

Biggest Loser tonight, don't forget! LOVE LOVE LOVE it.

Today's Fuel:

Br: 1/3 cup oatmeal, 1/4 cup pineapple, 2 strawberries, milk & vitamins

Lu: chicken sandwich (2 slices squirrely bread, 2oz chicken breast, good sploot of spicy mustard, three big slices of tomato and a handful of sprouts) & one cup of pea soup

Sn: see above for fruit salad goodness (Sam, uncurl your nose)

Dn: pork loin chops covered in salsa, roasted beets, & leftover sweet potato

Sn: Popcorn!!

I read a really profound post over on Escape from Obesity. If you aren't following this woman's blog, you are seriously missing out. Maybe it's just me, but she speaks to me. She articulates my innermost feelings in a way that I just am not capable of. And she speaks of things that blow my mind, because I could have written them. Today's post about accusations is a great example. For me it was another example of "you did not go through that as the only person in the world living in hell, there are others that 'get' you".

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Presents Posterior for Commencment of Kicking

Seriously... like I don't know better???

"I just have to be good on the weekends!" Who the hell am I kidding??? I suck at weekends. And I know I'm doing it, and I do it ANYWAYS!!!.

Saturday: I know I'm going for wings. Do I choose to eat healthy for the other meals of the day? Hell no! I run around the car slashing all the tires. Breakfast was a half cup of apple cinnamon cherrios, lunch was a double cheeseburger from McDonalds. Add a Starbucks coffee for snack, and then pile 15 wings and an order of fries on top, and you've got Saturday.

Sunday I decided that I was definately going to clean up my act. So for breakfast I eat a bowl of oatmeal, tricked out with prunes and craisins. Great start! I go out shopping and pick up all my veggies and fruits for the week and realize on the way home that I need lunch... STAT. I decide to stop at Subway for a healthier option. Good choice, right? Except they have 2 footlongs for 9.99. So I decide to get one for Steve. And for some reason, I decide to get a stripe of light mayo on mine. AND cheese! I havent' done that in over a year! And then? Do I only eat half of it? Hell no! I ate the whole damn thing!!

And did I stop there?? Nope. I purposefully walked up to the store and bought me a bag of baked Lays. And two chocolate bars. I ate the EatMore on the way home, and the dark chocolate burnt almond whatever it was AFTER polishing off the entire bag of chips.... which I scarfed AFTER having dinner, which was homeade pea soup (very few calories so an excellent choice in a sea of yuck).

Why?????

Then, I set my alarm for 6:20. Gonna get up and Shred. Except that it went off, and I switched it to 7:20 and decided to shred later. Sigh. I'm so not a morning person. The best intentions never work for me in the mornings.

My fuel today?

Br: 1/3 cup oatmeal w/ three strawberries & two chopped prunes, milk & vitamin.

Lu: 1/2 squirrely bread sandwich with chicken breast, tomato & sprouts & a cup of pea soup

Sn: pear

Dn: stir fry with beef, broccoli, cauliflower, celery, yellow pepper, mushrooms, snow peas.

I will get on that treadmill today and do interval training. And I will shred. I owe it to myself.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

*YAAAAWN*

Happy Lazy Sunday... well, not quite. I didn't get to do my shopping yesterday so I'll do that today. Gotta stock up on all my veggies and fruits, and plan my weeks meals. THEN I'll be lazy. Although, it's a beautiful day, and the dogs would probably REEEEally appreciate a walk. THEN I'll be lazy. Yeah, that's it.

I way over indulged last night on wings and fries. Whoodaddy, lemme tell ya! But was it worth it? Absolutely!

Today I will eat nothing but healthy foods, in normal portions.

Okay, seriously yawning here... I may just go back to bed!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Exciting Day Ahead!

Hubby and I are heading out to the Taboo Sex Show this afternoon with a bunch of couples. I'm totally looking forward to it.

I had one of those crappyass sleeps last night where you keep looking at the clock and don't feel like you slept at ALL. I used all my tools, counting backwards from 300 by 3's, singing O'Canada over and over... nothing was working. I will definately need an extra jolt of coffee today to keep me going. I definately see Starbucks in my future!

Mmmm, Grande Skinny Caramel Cafe Misto Extra Hot (decaf most of the time, but not today). Only 55 calories!!

Well, I weighed in this morning, and it wasn't great. I'm up from last week, but down from two weeks ago, which means I'm reporting a loss of 2.4 for the A-Team!

Food may not be the best today, but I will be doing a loooot of walking, so it will offset. I will strive to make healthier choices, and eat until satisfied.

That's one of my biggest struggles, is listening to my body. I have actually found myself with a quarter of a plate of food in front of me when I hear the sigh and KNOW I should be done, yet my hand goes into mock speed and shovels the rest in before my brain can yells stop. How insane is that????

Anyways, have a great day, everyone!!

Dee

Total Happy Food Dance

I woke up later this morning, and wasn't feeling breakfast, so I just had an apple, a light cheese string, and my milk and vitamins. Needless to say, lunchtime came and I'm ravenous. So into the kitchen I go to pick over my meager offerings. I have to go grocery shopping!! But I love what I came out with...

4oz salmon fillet, a cup of leftover roast sweet potatoes, and a 1/2 cup of spinach, steamed in apple cider vinager. YUMMM!!!

Tonight for dinner I'll be having my usual Friday McDonald's drive thru while delivering chinese food around town. I'm under calories, but I'm not moving much... stupid cold.

It's not that it's even a bad cold, but I just don't want it to be. So I'm laying low until it passes. Just doing light activities and getting lots of rest and vitamin C.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Huh... Weird

So, I'm in NutriMirror, planning out my food for the day. I plug it all in... this is what I have so far:

Br: 1/3 cup oatmeal, 1/8 cup prunes (shut up, I like em), and a tablespoon of PB2, 1 cup milk with vitamins

Lu: whole flax bagel (I usually eat half), 1/4 cup egg white, with ketchup & a cup of carrots

Dn: chicken breast, a cup of sweet potato, and a cup of mashed turnip

I'm thinking at this point that I better be sure I'm not over my caloric intake before adding a snack in the afternoon, so I click to the food log page... I'm only at 891 calories! What??? I have a TON of food listed here!

Eating the foods to fuel the body really is the way to go! If I were to throw in any processed stuff, it would add up incredibly quickly. As it is, I can have a big heaping bowl of yoghurt with fruit and PB2 for a snack, and still be way under my caloric budget. In fact, that puts me at... 1084.

Sooo, not sure what's going on with the scale. It read 153 this morning, which is WAY up. And TOM isn't due until next week. But I have been weight lifting a little bit, and did Shred twice. Maybe it's muscle gain.

The only reason I'm even stressing about it a little bit is because of the BLBE. I want to show a good loss for the team. But I just need to keep in mind that it will all work out in the end, as the scale reflects my hard work. I forget sometimes that the results don't show right away.

Plus, my body is doing it's best to fight off a cold... ah, you know what? That's it. I always show a gain when my sinus' are clogged. It's amazing to me how much snot weighs. I haven't got a full boar cold, but it's trying! I'm drinking hot water with lemon all day for the vitamin C. Hell, even if I do get the cold, at least I don't have to worry about scurvy!!

Fear not, A-Team! Even if my WI is higher this week, I shall prevail!!

Dee

Hot Potato!

Holy MAN, was my dinner good!

I had a huge yam/sweet potato thingy. I chopped it into big chunks, sprayed it with olive oil, then lightly seasoned it with cayenne, curry & seasoning salt (I mean very very lightly seasoned), then baked it in the oven for an hour at 400. It's like candy!

Dee

Wednesday Musings

It's a good day, today. No particular reason... just feeling happy.

My fuel today:

Br: 1/2 flax Silver Hills bagel, 1/4 cup egg white, 1 oz brocslaw, 1 tablespoon romano
Lu: 2 cups Blue Menu Winter Squash soup, 10 Blue Menu Ancient Grain crackers, tiny tin of Thai chili tuna
Dn: Baked sweet potato, chicken breast, spinach salad

Light on the food because I'm taking a rest from working out today.

Boring post, today, huh?

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Biggest Loser Night

♪ What have you done today to make you feeeel proud? ♪

I love Tuesday! I love that I cannot face Jillian and Bob without having done SOMETHING to earn a blue smiley star! I love that it is family night, and something that Logan, Steve and I bond over. I love that it gives us incentive to live healthier lives by education us on how unhealthy fat is.

Today I shredded, and then did 1.5 miles on the treadmill, in a walk/run pattern. STAR!!

My food today:

Br: 1/2 Silver Hills Flax Bagel w/ 1/4 cup egg white & onion. The Silver Hills bagels are like air. Not like a regular bagel at all. I like em.

Lu: Leftover Italian Meatloaf, rice & beets (why don't I make beets more often? even LOGAN liked them!!)

Sn: Missed it... that's okay, I'll make up for it with popcorn tonight

Dn: BBQ Pork Loin on spinach salad with craisins, shredded Romano, turnip, chopped prunes & Mediterranean vinaigrette.

Sn: POPCORN!!!

I feel good today. I feel strong. I feel committed. I'm not wigging out that the scale was not nice to me this morning. I don't know why I step on the damn thing mid week anyways... it always goes up before it comes down on Saturday.

Okay, I got nuttin else to say... I'll go now. :o)

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Monday Again!

I'm looking in my fridge this morning, and I notice the bag o' lemons I still have in there, and I'm thinking "what the hell am I going to do with a bag of lemons". So I sliced one and threw a big chunk into a mug and have been topping it up with hot water all day. Holy Jeebers, how come I don't do this all the time? It's fabulous!!

I had a good day today, although I'm still sore from head banging at the bar on Saturday, and Shredding with Jillian Saturday morning still has my quads stiff. But I still jumped on that treadmill and did two miles in thirty minutes. Blue happy face star for me!

My food today? Only super yum!

Br: 1/3 cup oatmeal, 1/4 cup prunes chopped into it, 1/8 cup pom seeds, vanilla and coconut extract

Lu: actually I was feeling snacky at 11 so I ate 1/2 cup of leftover chili (stupid chili) thinking I'd eat lunch later... which I forgot to do. I guess the chili was more filling than I thought. I didn't get hungry again till three so I made my snack...

Sn: 1/2 cup ff plain yoghurt, chopped apple, 1 tablespoon PB2 reconstituted runny. omg YUM!

Dn: I thought I had bought mild Italian Sausage meat. Nope, it was hot. So I'm REALLY glad I mixed it with the buffalo!! Two little meatloafs, 1/4 cup rice, roasted beets (so good) and a spoon of gravy.

Okay, that's all I have to say today. Nothing new or enlightening... just accountability.

Oh, one thing I thought was cool... Steve says to me, "did you overhear the news when they were talking about dieting?" I asked what they said. His response, "the same thing you always say". LOL... I asked if there was any new and exciting revelations. Nope. I think he was impressed with me.

Ya'll have a GREAT night,

Dee

All in all, not a sabotage weekend!

I made a vow to be better on the weekends. And I think I did pretty damn good this weekend. I had some indulgences, but I also got a ton of excercise, and according to my stats on Nutrimirror, I burned more than I ate. GO ME!!

I took my son for Chinese, and then had a healthy portion of lasagna with a piece of garlic bread for dinner. Both high calorie meals, potentially. Well, lunch definately was, but dinner I ate salad instead of the second huge honkin piece of lasagna that I wanted. And I only took one half slice of garlic bread.

Then we went dancing. And I daaaaanced! It was three hours of high aerobic dance. So awesome!! I could do that every night, I swear. And I didn't drink into oblivion, but I did have four jeagerbombs (sp?) which is jeagermeister (sp?) and red bull shots. Wicked good, and keeps your heart rate up, lemme tell ya!! Other than that, I drank water all night. Happy dance!!

Today was couch surfing all day. Literally all day... lol. Tomorrow, back on the treadmill!

Another successful week coming up, with the first official weigh in for the Biggest Loser Blog Edition. So stoked!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

WI & LOLOLOLOL

Okay, first off, I'm down 3lbs this week, which means my WI for the BLBE next week will be FABULOUS!!!! I'm down to 149.8lbs.

Second, the LOLOLOL is because my son Logan (15) and his friend Connor decided they wanted to do Jillian's 30 Day Shred. You shoulda seen the sweat. ROFL But they did it, and I'm totally proud of them for it. I know how tough it is.

Okay, I'm off to VV Boutique to see if I can find a bar shirt for tonight, then to do a bit of grocery shopping. Fun fun fun!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Saturday Morning

Why is it that ANY other morning, I could sleep till ten, easily. But Saturdays I'm wide awake at seven???

I forced myself back to sleep (counting backwards from 300 by 3s) and am bright eyed and bushytailed by 8:15. Pfft!

I'm sooooo looking forward to tonight. I'm going DANCING!! And I'm not drinking, so it's all calories burned, baby!! Although I'll make sure and have a good dinner to have the energy to burn. We are doing a potluck at my house for one of my girl's' husband. I'm so stoked...

I indulged in a treat last night... oh yes I did! A banana cream pie blizzard. I went for my usual dinner for Friday nights, which is two chicken fajitas and a fruit & yohurt parfait at McDonald's. Only they were out of the yoghurt. GRRR, I hate the McDonald's on 228th. They are ALWAYS out of stuff!!! Time for a passive-aggressive letter attack. Anyways, I'm driving around and I'm wanting my dessert. Then I started thinking about my calorie count for the day and realize I have a few hundred to burn if I want. And I've been excellent this week. So I decided to treat myself. Oh MAN was it yummy. And I only strayed a couple of hundred calories over budget. Totally worth it last night.

It's WI today, but of course I'm waiting on my digestive system to "move". I'll report back later!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Don'tcha Hate That??

When you go to make one dish and it turns into another?

I've been craving pasta lately, so I went out and bought some whole wheat spaghattini. Last time I had canned sauce, it left a lot to be desired. It was really yucky and processed tasting. Yes, I've turned into a food snob, I'll admit it. LOL

So I decided to make a sauce. Here's what I put in:

1 lb lean ground pork (cooked then rinsed)
1 can kidney beans
1 can diced tomatoes
1 half can tomato paste
1 can mushrooms, drained
3 stalks celery
1 onion
cumin
oregano
basil
garlic

Looks good, right? Yeah... except it's CHILI. I mean, sure I could serve it over sketti noodles, but come on... really??? grumble mumble stoopid chili grumble.

Okay, so here is today's nutrition:

Br: 1/3 cup oatmeal and 1/4 pom (vanilla and coconut extract added), milk & vitamins

Lu: spinach salad (2oz spinach, 1oz brocslaw, 2 tablespoons pom seeds, 1 tablespoon shredded romano, 1 tablespoon Mediterranian Balsamic Vinegrette, 1oz rutabaga, 2 oz ham)

Sn: 1/4 pom, 1/2 cup plain ff yoghurt, slice of blueberry flax seed bread (no butter), 1/4 cup prunes

Dn: Chili (pfffffft)

I did an hour on the treadmill. I've started doing this thing I read about it Women's Fitness. Instead of just walking, or just running, or even the walk run intervals from the Sun Run Training, I'm doing this thing where I walk for two minutes, then RUN LIKE FUCK for 30 seconds. Back to walk for two or more minutes then RUN LIKE FUCK for 40 seconds, then do it all over again. It raises my heartrate in bursts and is supposed to be better for weight loss. If anyone knows about this, throw me a comment... I could be completely off my rocker.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Tee Hee!

Rob Cooper actually said "I saw your blog and your before picture. Holy shit! Well done, Jo Dee (Will Succeed)"... to ME!!!!

I've been following his site for almost a year, I think. He's such an inspiration, and FULL of useful stuff!!

Blushing excitedly,
Dee

Biggest Loser tonight!

I had pretty much decided to take a rest day, but then I realized that it's Biggest Loser tonight. Well, anyone that knows me knows that I cannot sing that song (what have you done today to make you feel proud) if I haven't done anything! And staying on plan doesn't cut it! I need to make the trainers PROUD.

So, that being said (god i'm a geek), I did an hour on the treadmill while watching Oprah. This could be my new "thing". Especially this week, since it's the Best Life series. I love how open and honest she's being about her weight issues. Normally I hate daytime television, but this I could get used to. I find it inspiring.

I also did 15 minutes of weights. I so rock... yeah, I do!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

WHOOOFREAKINHOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

♪♪ It came, it came, it came!!! ♪♪

I am the proud owner of PB2!!!

I ran straight into the kitchen and whipped up a bit of each, the PB2 and the Chocolate PB2. The one without chocolate is by far my favourite, but holy CRAP are these good!!! Seriously the best peanut butter evs. Maybe because my taste buds don't really like fat anymore, and this being over 85% fat free, but full of the peanutty good flavour... well, I could go on forever!!

The only kinda crappy thing was that one of the jars had the safety seal detached. But I've emailed them in hopes that they will replace it.

I seriously need to find a supplier out here for this stuff. I'm going to take it to a couple of the stores here and get them to try it and order it in. I'm willing to sacrifice some of my precious to ensure future buying power.

Magda, you absolutely made my millenium, ordering this for me for Christmas. THANK YOU!!!!!

Okay, rave over... now onto today's menu plan:

Br: 1/3 cup oatmeal, glass of milk w/ vitamins
Lu: salmon fillet on spinach salad (spinach, brocslaw, romano cheese, craisins, balsamic dressing, lemon pepper)
Sn: 1/2 pear and PB2(!!!!!!)
Dn: Ham Pasta
Sn: Popcorn while watching Biggest Loser(!!!!)

The ham pasta is consisting of:

12oz ham (leftover from the other night)
2 cup broccoli
1 cup cauliflower
1 can corn
1 onion
1 cup Gemelli Pasta, Whole Wheat
envelope of pesto sauce, made with water

This will make four servings, so I can have some for lunch tomorrow.

I'm kinda sore from yesterday, so I'm not sure if I will be working out today. I've got three for three smiley faces so far this week. (yes, smiley faced stars to show my workouts... geek)

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Weekends = Sabotage

This weekend I am not sabotaging myself. Nope. Not doing it. I am setting a precedent!!

I WILL EAT WITHIN MY CALORIC BUDGET.

Okay, I will maybe allow myself ONE meal over the top, but not the entire weekend, like I usually do.

Someone mentioned on WW that we should keep tabs on each other on the weekend, and I actually heard the "ping" when the lightbulb went off. Oh sure, I know I've been doing it to myself all along. I'm aware of it. I've just not been AWARE of it. (trust me, that makes sense in my own head)

Side note update:

I did not Shred. But I did spend 40 minutes on the treadmill killing 488 calories, and then did ten minutes of weights while watching Oprah spill her guts about her weight issues. Enlightening I tell ya. I'd hate to struggle in front of national television.

Okay, gotta go make dinner now!

Dee

Happy Monday!

Can you believe it's a snow day today? Poor Logan got up an hour early to shower and get ready for school, he was so excited to go. Luckily I turned on the news, only to discover that there is no school today for students. Teachers still have to come in though... what's up with that???

I had a ROUGH sleep last night. The last time I looked at the clock was 4:35. Needless to say, when the alarm went of at 6:15 so I could get up to Shred, my first reaction was "fuck that" and I slapped it into silence. I figured I could grab an hour sleep before getting up to feed the boy and make his lunch (yes, he's old enough to do it himself, but a) I like doing it and b) I don't trust him to make something nutritious). Then I hear him in the shower and realize I have to get up anyways and I don't have time to Shred! CRAP on a CRACKER!!

I will Shred later, I promise. I committed to doing it on the Just For Today thread on WW, so I have to.

Okay, here is today's food plan:

Br: oatmeal, 1/2 banana & almond butter (PB2 should be coming ANY day, woot!!)
Lu: ham spinach salad
Sn: 1/2 flax bagel with jam and a pear on it
Dn: pork loin, veggie smash, spinach salad


Thanks for listening,

Dee

Reporting for Duty!!

It's been a great day, health-wise, today.

I ate well:

Br: oatmeal, banana & almond butter, milk & vitamins
Lu: pear, orange, smoked oysters (okay, more like a snack, since I ate breaky at noon)
Dn: roast pig, veggie smash (potato, cauliflower & rutabaga) & spinach salad

Calories in: 1262

Exercise: I did a 30 minute walk on the treadmill, for 200 calories. I did an hour yesterday and my muscles were sore, so I just wanted to stretch it out a little. Plus I wanted to earn a star on my calendar (I give myself a star for every day that I do 30 minutes of excercise).

I have tomorrow all planned out, to. It's going to start with being shredded by Jillian first thing in the morning. I'm hauling my butt outta bed and gettin er done. Then I have my meals planned out for the day, which I'll post tomorrow after I tweak it into NutriMirror. That's the only downfall to that program is that you can't jump ahead and plan your day.

I'm stoked to be feeling so back in control.

Oh, whoops... one confession. I ate the fat off the pig I roasted. I made crunchies with the skin and ate a bunch of it. But I tracked it, and had the calories to spare for it (that's included in my calorie count for the day!), so it's technically not going offtrack. But I figure I better get used to fessin up, what with the BLBE.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Heavy Thoughts

My son's grandfather, my ex FIL, is in hospital tonight, and the next 48 hours are critical. Basically a deathwatch, with a 48 hour hope. Sigh.

He went in for a heart attack, and they have everything to do with that under control. It's the detoxing from alcohol and smoking that is killing him. Literally. He's dying because his lungs are expelling all the gunk that has built up over the last 50 years from smoking, but his body isn't expelling it quick enough and he's choking on it. They have a breathing tube in him, because he's failing.

If you smoke, quit now, while you can. Quit before you get to a place where the quitting kills you.

Both of my sons smoke. So does my husband. They choose death.

I reject it.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

I have a new friend!

Her name is Marisa. I've been following her blog, and have now forced her via peer pressure to take part in the Biggest Loser Blog Challenge.

I'm calling her my friend (no, I'm not a crazy stalker lady), because I feel like I totally relate to her. She wrote, with her commenting back and forth with me, all of MY fears when waffling about whether or not to do the challenge.

The fear of failure. The fear of holding the team back. The fear of fear.

But what we were doing was giving ourselves permission to fail. And I've done that way to often in my life to want to keep doing it! I've worked really really hard to take two words out of my vocabulary. Try and Hope. I don't Try to do things. I either do them or I don't. I don't Hope things will work out. I make them work out, or I don't. By Trying or Hoping, I give myself permission to fail.

I've lost 60 pounds on this journey. And I have to tell you... not ONCE did I try or hope ANYTHING. I either did it, or didn't. I had weeks of gain. I had more of loss. But I took ownership of everything. No excuses, just reasons.

I need a kick in the ass. I've become complacent with my loss, because I'm so much happier with my body today. But then I look around and I see all the signs out there of what my body weight SHOULD be at. I'm still technically overweight. I still have belly fat (the most dangerous fat to have). I still am in higher clothing sizes (8/10).

I know it's not bad... but I also know it could be better. I know I look great. I could look AMAZING. It's time to take my head out of the sand (or out of my ass, whatever) and get back to moving on.

So, for the next 16 weeks, I'm HARDCORE, baby! Me and Marisa!! We are going to work out and eat properly. We are going to commit to this challenge and we are going to lose the weight!

Why? Because WE ARE WORTH IT!!!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Great workout!

I just spent 75 minutes on my treadmill. YAY ME!!!!!

I still feel all yucky and bloated from Doug's breakfast, though, so I'm contemplating skipping dinner. Although on NutriMirror, the fibre is bright red, screaming in protest... lol.

Maybe I'll just wait it out. If I get hungry later I'll have a snack. Or should I eat some fibre now, to encourage the potatoe/carb/slop through my system?? On the one hand you read that you should not eat if you are not hungry. But then you read that you need to fuel your body every three to four hours, whether you are hungry or not to break the bad eating cycles.

Oh, to have a nutritionist on speeddial... sigh.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

EEEK, I did it!!

I signed up for the Biggest Loser Blog Edition - Season 2!! Deadline is tomorrow, if you want in. YOU WANT IN!!!

Come on, folks. We can totally do this thing! I'm committing to get down to 130lbs in the sixteen weeks. I'm starting at 152.8 (hangs head in shame).

I need me a kick in the ass, and this is going to be it. I'm going to be on a team, and I cannot let them down. Nope, not me. Can't do it. I've given my word, and now I'm going to give it my all.

*pant pant pant*

Okay, so I'm freaking out a lil bit. But I'm excited, too.

TODAY is the fattest day of the rest of my life. Yup, yup it is!! (thanks to Lyn from Escape from Obesity for that saying!!)

And now for a makeout session with my treadmill. Oooof. I just came back from breakfast with my son. He made open faced bagel sandwich. A white bagel covered with deli fajita chicken, scrambled egg & monteray jack cheese. On the side was a sausage, which I convinced him to boil first to get rid of the grease THEN brown in the oven. The hashbrowns?? Oh lord... baked in the oven, but he did a creamy garlicy cheese thing, with low fat sour cream (although why bother with the low fat at this point), an entire brick of grated havarti and a couple spoonfuls of minced garlic. Mix glop together, add potatoes and serve. My bowels are in knots right now.

Tonight for dinner: nutrition with a side order of nutrition!! Yes, spinach salad is on my horizon. After a couple of hours of walking on the treadmill. Or an hour of walk/run. I don't know... we'll see how long my body lasts. It isn't used to moving anymore.

Wish me luck...

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Check this out!

I think I'm going to sign up. Fifteen minutes a day to get out of chaos. I can do that!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

80/20

I keep reading that to lose weight it's 80% diet, 20% excercise. That's good, because I'm not feeling the excercise.

I'm sure it's because my hubby is on vacation, and my routines are all scrambled. Come Monday, I'm back on the bandwagon with flags raised. I'm soooo looking forward to my routines! Logan even came to me yesterday (he's my 15 year old) and said he really misses healthy foods. Not that I haven't been making them... he's been at his dad's for meals.

My biggest thing that I have to get back under control is supersizing. Portion control. Eating until only SATISFIED and being okay with leaving food on my plate. I still have problems with that, having come from a "clean your plate" background. Starving children in Africa and all that. (to which my response was always thinking "put it in an envelope and send it to them, then, because I don't want it!")

So, back to smaller plates. Measuring. Healthy portions. 50-60% vegetables on the plate. No butter. No salt. No late night snacking. No popcorn binges. Meal planning. Soups. Salads. Oatmeal. CLEAN EATING!!

It sounds awesome! And I know that once I'm back doing it, I'll fall right into place with everything.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

How's THIS for perspective??

Today can be the fattest day for the rest of your life.

I just read that on the blog Escape from Obesity. Holy Banana Feathers, that slapped me upside the head!!

Happy New Years Eve!

I feel like I'm the only person in my world who is not "taking inventory" and planning my next year. Is that weird?

So many of my friends are reflecting on last year, categorizing it, and then planning how next year will be even better. I'm reading it on tons of blogs, and hearing it in conversations.

I nod along, understanding and loving the logic. I'm so glad in some cases to hear the changes that are being incorporated. I'm happy for the people that had a great year and plan for the next to be even better.

I'm left thinking that I should be doing the same. But then, if I force it, it's like a resolution, and we all know that those are the first things dropped in the new year. So I vow not to have a resolution beyond not being fat ever again.

I should be resolving to excercise more. Or eat healthier. Or lose that last ten pounds. But I find myself unmotivated to say it out loud, or to even feel it.

What does that mean?

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Phew!!

Well, I finally got out of the house! I went and spent the night at a girlfriends. Had a BLAST! Played hours of DDR with her daughters. Stayed up reaaaally late (5:30am!!) and had to get up early (8:30am!!!) to drive her to work.

Needless to say, I'm a little tired.

I had a nasty dinner of kraft dinner and sausage rolls, so figured I better get some excercise. Plugged in the WII and did 1/2 hour of DDR and some boxing, tennis, golf, and bowling.

I have multiple games for this system, but haven't taken the time to explore them. I may see that in my near future, since I'm on vacation. Nothing like cracking out to a video game for fun times! Hell, men can do it... so can I!!

Today I'm doing things DIFFERENT

I am moving more today. Instead of walking into the kitchen, I'm doing lunges into the kitchen. I'm doing random jumping jacks. I spent an hour on the treadmill yesterday. I may do the same today. I'm going out to my girlfriends tonight to play DDR which is always a great workout.

I made soup. Reeeally low point soup, with my leftovers. I'm eating it instead of bad things. It's tasty, delicious and nutritious and food is FUEL. I've got to get OUT of the thought process about food yumminess and back into the reality of a physically healthy person.

I started my day with a half flax bagel, topped with a quarter cup egg white omellette made with a tablespoon of Romano and green onions. I almost ate the entire bagel, but then forced myself to LOOK at the calories. 160 for a half. Did I really really REALLY need that other half? No. And if I am hungry after, I can go back for it. You can always add more, but you can't take away what you already ate.

As you can imagine, I didn't go back for the second half.

I've had my one cup of coffee, and am now working on my water. I have a mug of hot water in front of me that I am enjoying.

TOM is starting today, and I'm bitchy as all hell. I was so bored last night that I was MAD. My poor husband. I avoided him like the plague, well, because he has the plague. Anytime he breathed or coughed I seriously wanted to strangle him to put him out of my misery. I was not fit for man nor beast last night. I layed on my bed and felt sorry for myself and watched Curly Sue... which actually made me smile. Haven't seen that movie in a bizmillion years. (nobody tell me when it came out... I don't want to feel that old)

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and thought "who the hell is that old lady?". Wrinkles and bags and hair all a mess... sigh. I have old lady neck. Damn it. I know I look great... for a 40 year old. I'm kinda pissed that I fatted my way through the years where it would have stopped at "look great" withOUT the caveat. Whatever.

I need botox, or my eyebrows are going to stay this way.

Cabin fever is NOT a good thing.

I may be back... I can't think of anything else to say right now. I'm being crabby.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Justifyyyy

I'm reading over my blogs for the past week... and I'm shaking my head at the addictive justification behaviours I'm witnessing. And it's not like I don't know it as I'm doing it. It's like I'm screaming in my head "LALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU ALLLALALALALALLALALALA".

I want to kick my own ass sometimes, you know??

Back on the excercise wagon today

Okay, I stepped on the scale this morning. I said I wasn't going to (not to you... I've learned to not say that out LOUD because I step on it every Saturday no matter what I say), but I did.

HOLY MOTHER OF FUCKING PEARL!!! WHAT THE FUCK????

So anyways... the number was a little shocking. I've apparently gained (bzzz bzzzbzzzzzzz carry the six bzz bzzzz)... right. Nine pounds.

DAMN MY MOTHER AND HER INSTRUCTIONS TO BUY CHOCOLATES. Okay, so it's not her fault. She didn't make me eat them.

So what have we learned? First, don't listen to people who tell you to bring your crack into your home and to just resist because it's not fair to everyone else. Second, enjoy said crack at OTHER people's homes, where you cannot dig into it in the middle of the night without a break and enter charge, because you are an ADDICT. Third, don't buy so MUCH crack when you do choose to indulge. Understand that the reality is that your people don't EAT that stuff like you do, and it's not necessary to load the fridge. Reality is, they want one session with it. It's YOU who will eat it for days, not THEM.

I AM AN ADDICT.

I have lectured myself. I have walked away from the fridge. Then next thing I know I find myself back in the fridge, with the hand to mouth action going strong and furiously.

I had a big talk with Magda last night about addictions. We found another common denominator (or as my kids have coined it, "common de-mom-inator"). We don't suffer physical addictions. It's the psychological ones that we jones over.

I've done coke, acid, all sorts of drugs, but the two things I struggle with are smoking and eating. Why? It's not the nicotine or the food. It's the psychological addiction that I struggle with. It's the hand to mouth action that is comforting, and that I crave. It does not matter what is in that hand, as long as it's repeated. A lot. Being on Core has shown me that I can overindulge in ANYTHING. Even if it's healthy foods, if you eat too much, it's going to make you gain weight. Add Christmas chocolates, cheeses, etc, in that mix... it's a fat person screaming to get out.

Don't get me wrong... I want to blame mom. Oh, yes, I do. But it's my issue. It's my responsibility. It's my mouth. It's my hand. I know better. I know the tools. I chose to swan dive off the wagon. I chose to not excercise at all. I chose to indulge in getting fat again.

Now I choose to stop the insanity. I choose to get back on the treadmill. I choose to fit back into my jeans as soon as possible.

Bottom line is: I choose me.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Say it Loud! Say it Proud!

Too late for '08, but lookin fine in '09!!

Yep, that about sums it up... lol. Thanks fellow bloggies! Not just for the saying, but for allowing me to not beat HELL out of myself for my incredibly graceful double flip with a twist dive from the proverbial bandwagon, into a sea of cheese, turkey, crackers, garlic coil, smoked oysters, green olives, butter, whipped potatoes, carrot turnip mash, ham, white bread turkey sandwiches with mayo, chips, cheezies, alcohol, chocolate.... and the list goes on and on and on.

There are some of us out there that actually did really good this season. I'm not one of them. And I'm okay with that!! I'm having an absolute blast. I'm loving the eating. I'm loving the socializing. I'm hating the driving in the snow, but that won't last forever. But I'm loving the snowball fights and snowman building! I'm even not minding the shoveling, which has been my ONLY form of excercise this week!

I'm loving the cooking, and having my whole family around me. My oldest boy has come to stay with us for the last couple of days over Christmas, and he goes home tonight. It's good. I've loved having him here. And I'll love him when he's gone... lol.

My poor husband came down with the most vicious cold I've seen him get in I don't even KNOW how many years. It's so bad that I haven't slept in two nights, so last night I camped in the office. It was BLISS.

On the one hand, I'm sorry for him that he's so sick. On the other, I feel no sympathy as he shivers huddled outside coughing his brains out as he chuffs back another cigarette. Dumbass. It's just too bad that it's happening on his vacation that he has been anticipating for months. THAT is a sucker deal.

Hope everyone had an AMAZING Christmas. I did!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

I'm so blessed!

I just had a completely mushy moment and had to share.

If you aren't aware of it, my son's father lives on my block, and I consider him and his wife to be great friends of mine.

They were going to spend dinner tonight at her mother's but because of the blizzard, they can't make it off our block. So they are coming over here tonight for the family Christmas dinner. And I was thinking just now how wonderful it is that we can do these things and have genuine affection for each other. So many familys are torn apart at Christmas, especially kids. Being shuttled between the two parents, and most times with bitterness between the parents. But it's not like that with us, and we are so lucky!

Just had to share that thought...

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Merry Christmas Eve!!!

Can you believe it's here already??

I had SUCH a great visit last night with some very very dear friends. They were friends with my oldest son's father, as well. He died back ... oh, it's been 9 years ago now? It's a tragic tale of drugs and bad choices leading to a miserable end for a good man.

Doug looks exactly like his father (he's the tall one in my family pic), from the eyes down. The eyes up are definately me, but the rest is all Doug Sr. In fact, Ramona said that when he walked in, she was actually startled. She knew immediately who he was, and she teared up upon seeing his father so strongly.

I invited Doug to coffee last night because I wanted him to meet friends of his father's and mine, and because I wanted to gift them with him. And that is exactly how they felt. Like it was having Doug Sr. back again for a moment. Same lanky frame. Same sense of humour. Same self love. Same walk, even (stick up the butt and armpits on fire... lmao). Of course, Doug's response to that was that he walks like he's the shit, because he IS the shit. Not humble, that one... lol. Frankly, he was doomed to be that way from both sides. I always forget how alike Doug Sr and I were. It really hit home for me last night as we sat around talking about him, and Douglas' similarities. In my head I'm thinking, "but that's me". But then I remember back... and it's him, too.

I feel gifted all over again. My son carries on his father's genes in even more ways than I was aware. What a blessing in my life.

This all, of course, sent me into a complete tailspin, and I woke up mulitiple times in the night, with Doug Sr on the brain. I spent a lot of time with him last night, and it was all good. I awoke this morning feeling a little teary and missing him, but on the other hand, feeling very close to him, too.

He lives on... in his son. In me. In his friends. In his family. He lives on.

Merry Christmas, all.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Anyone see the wagon??

Okay, breathe...

I'm totally NOT stepping on the scale. Nope. You CAN't make me.

Remember me whining about oysters and olives a while back? Well, yesterday I woke up with the plan to eat a healthy brunch because we were going to Christmas dinner with all my people. Good plan, right? Yeeeah, except I opened the cupboard to grab oatmeal, and I see the oysters.

"Hey, babe" I yell into the living room, as Steve is setting up the tv with the hockey game for us. "How would you like oyster picnic for breakfast?"

Well, you should have heard his yes! It was like I had wrapped my naked body in a ribbon and said Merry Christmas! He never gets oyster picnic anymore (poor bastard).

So for brunch we had smoked oysters, green olives, garlic coil, cheese, triscuit thins - parmesan garlic flavour (oh my yum), and ancient grain crackers. Then we broke into the chocolates. Lowrey's Chocolate Cherries, Pot of Gold, Ovation, and Hedgehogs.

Just before heading out to dinner, I got hungry, so instead of grabbing the apple I was heading for, I shrugged it off and grabbed the chips. Logan and I munched on a new flavour of chips and discovered we quite liked it!

At dinner I didn't do toooooo bad. I had a little bit of everything, but I knew that everything was made with tons of real butter and cream. So even a little bit had a swack of calories. However, I didn't have pie after. I did eat a couple of samples of baking. But I was sooo full.

Steve and I went home and watched Get Smart. Hilarious! Especially if you remember the original series. I had quite a few nostalgic moments. Which I washed down with the rest of the chips. Sigh.

Today I still feel full. And I decided that come hell or high water, I'm eating well today. It's my "just for today" thought. So for breakfast I chopped an apple and made oatmeal. But after eating the apple, I'm not hungry for the oatmeal, so I'm not forcing myself to eat it. If I want it later I will.

I have a spinach salad planned for lunch, with some pork loin for protein. I'm feeling the need for fibre though, if you know what I mean . Water is DEFINATELY on my agenda today. As is a run on the treadmill.

Just because I'm choosing to enjoy my holiday doesn't mean that I should allow myself to become completely complacent. After all, complacency got me over 200lbs once.

HELLS TO THE NO!!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

WTF???

It's official... I've been taken over by an eating monster. And you know what? I don't care. So I'll put on the "festive five". I know I'll take it right back off again.

But if you see me doing random sets of jumping jacks, don't be alarmed... lol.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!

Stupid heater fan stupid kicked it on the stupid coldest night of the stupid year!! It's freezing in my house! I'm sitting in front of a heat fan as I type. The side of my body that is facing it is warm, the other side is NOT. We slept with the dogs in the bed last night for body heat.

Craziness!!

Today I shop. I'm prepared for killer lines. Luckily, it's not present shopping, it's grocery shopping. It's supposed to snow tonight and all through tomorrow, and I'M NOT DRIVING IN IT. So all of it will be done today.

The only totally yuck thing is that I have to drive all the way out to Burnaby to deliver an Avon order in that storm! Steve has said he will drive me... actually he was TOLD he is driving me... lol. :o)

So I'm going out to shop now... wish me luck!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Excercise Funk

I'm forcing myself to work out this week. I have been unable to drag my ass out of bed in the morning, and working out is a total chore for some reason.

I hopped on the scale today to find I'm up .2, which really is okay because it shows that I'm doing SOMTHING at least, and not really going up.

I've been determined that I will not late night snack, then find myself standing in front of the whirring popcorn machine. How the hell does that happen?? Which is why I've FORCED myself onto that damn treadmill. I knew that if I didn't, the scale would laugh at me.

Another reason the scale is being friendly to me, I'm sure, is that I've switched up my diet. I find that if I'm eating the same thing all the time, my body becomes complacent. So instead of eggy sandwich for breakfast and salmon salad for lunch, which I've been eating for weeks, I'm having oatmeal for breakfast, and a soup for lunch. Or hamburger for lunch. I think it puts my body into WTF mode. I've read on other blogs people talking about switching it up when the scale isn't moving.

I haven't even been posting on the WW boards much. I have visited a couple of times this week, but am not super active like I have been. I always can tell when I'm falling off the wagon by how active I am on the boards. It's like if I don't feel that I can motivate with my leading by example, I have no right to be posting. On the one hand, holy beat oneself up, batman! On the other, it gives me motivation to get back up there, because I really enjoy my WW friends.

Isn't it funny, this journey called life. We thing "if only _______ would happen, then everything would be perfect". And for women it's usually something weight oriented. Well, I'm at a happy weight, and it's still not perfect. I'm constantly reminded that I have to be concious of what I eat and how much I excercise FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Because I refuse to be a statistic.

But sometimes... sometimes I wish I didn't have to. Sometimes I wish it wasn't so in my face. Know what I mean? I'll keep doing it, but today I'm not really liking it.

I have smoked oysters and green olives in the cupboard (Sam, unscrew your face), and I want to indulge in "oyster picnic" with my husband. But because I have food issues, I have to wait until the weekend. Except we have dinners planned all weekend, and with Christmas next week, I am going over my caloric budget as it is... so when will I get to have the oyster/olive picnic? It's priorities. THAT is whay I'm sighing about. I know the right decisions. I know that I will do them. And I know that it's for the greater good. But a part of me is just sad.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Damn my credit card problem!!!

If I wasn't so bad with them, I could be enjoying PB2 right now!! Click the link...

I'm reading rave reviews EVERYWHERE for this stuff, but cannot find it in the Lower Mainland anywhere (according to the internet). Pout.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Click Here for Soup Recipes

I am SO making Taco Soup!!!

Dee

Feeling "Meh".

I don't know why, but I'm just not feeling "it". I don't even know what "it" is at this point. I had to drag my ass onto my treadmill. I haven't shredded this week at all. I'm supposed to do all my wrapping this week, but I just haven't felt like it yet... I don't know what's up with me.

I don't feel like blogging, either. But I wanted ya'll to know I was still here.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Success!!

The Christmas party I went to last night was SO MUCH FUN!!! I reconnected with people I haven't seen in forever, and really really enjoyed some of my conversations last night.

The success in the title comes from the fact that for the most part, I focused on the people, not the food. But I gotta tell ya, I did indeed indulge! But only in things that were a "ten" to me.

And the things I reeeeally wanted to try, like the butter tart bars and the nanaimo bars and the chocolate covered cheesecake bites? Well, I went into the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and cut off a corner of each of the bars and had a taste. Oh, I wanted the whole bar, but one bite tastes like the next, right? And really, I wasn't hungry, I just wanted a taste. So I had it. Success!!

The chocolate covered cheescake bites were seriously calling me. I did start stressing about them. Then my darling sister asked me if I wanted to share one, which I jumped on. I was so excited! Until it was in my mouth... seriously, maybe a six. Not worth it. Desire to eat entire plate... GONE! Success!!

In past years my favourite dish at this party is the bagels with creamcheese, lox and capers. This year I had one, but the bagel is white... apparently that is no longer a ten for me. So I was able to stop at just one. Success!! (I was worried about those... lol)

I wasn't drinking, so no alcohol calories. What I indulged in was diet Dr. Pepper. I'm not a pop drinker, so to me that was decadent for 0 calories. Success!!

All in all a great party, with great people and great food and great choices. And that includes the five or six creampuffs I ate... it was a party afterall!! Success!!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Saturday WI

An increase of .6. I'm at 146.6 today. And you know what? I'm TOTALLY GOOD WITH IT!!!!

I mean, come on... do you remember how badly I ate this week??? I had a potluck on Saturday, a completely decadent Sunday, and that uber delicious potluck swan dive on Wednesday. Now I knew that I did "good" for my eating in comparison to "old me" but eventually I'm going to have to stop that comparison. It's really apples to oranges. For my size today, that was NOT eating good, compared to ANYTHING. I'm justifying to myself my bad choices. That's reality.

BUT, I did add more excercise to compensate my choices, which is why my gain was so minimal. And THAT is a good choice! THAT is a lifestyle change, my friends! And I'm damn proud of myself.

Tonight I have a party to go to, and I know that I will eat yummy goodness. The people hosting are mentors to me (although I don't know if they know it... lol). They are some of the healthiest choosing people I know. So I know that while there will be treats, there will also be some good choices on the table. And I have a plan *sticks finger in the air*. Oh yes, I do!!

First thing is that I will NOT eat before I go. That always ALWAYS backfires on me. Most people will say that you should eat a meal before you go to such an event so that you are not hungry and able to stay away from the food. Apparently these people have never met anyone like me. Cuz this is how this works... I eat my meal, and then I go to the event and stuff myself until I can't move. That is my reality. I like food. I like good food. I like to eat at partys. So why the hell would I eat first and double my calorie intake?

The rule in life is to take the rules and bend them to fit you and your quirks in the healthiest manner possible. That's my thought, anyways. So yeah, the meal thing might work for most, but let's face it ... I have always walked to the beat of my own tuba. So I'll just do what works for me.

My plan is to have a 1/2 cup of yoghurt just before I leave to drive over there. That way I have a small protein in my tummy and I won't be STARVING which will help, because if I'm starving I'm wolfing all sorts of bad choices. But since I'll have a light protein in my tummy, I'll be able to choose wisely and eat concsiously. And I will have a healthy calorie budget to blow. And if I go over, I'm not concerned about it. I know that I can work it off. It's not the end of the world.

That's what I love about not being on a diet! My lifestyle allows me to indulge on weekends with the knowledge that during the week I will eat completely clean, and be diligent with working out, which facilitates me enjoying weekend indulgences. Truly, can life get any better??? I have the best of ALL worlds and I'm maintaining it successfully.

Maintaining. I've been at this weight now for ... seven months? I've gone over 150 twice. Once when I started maintaining and was finding what works for me, and once when I took a food vacation. Both times I successfully nipped it in the bud and got back down to below 146. Eventually I will get down into the 130's, but I'm not in a rush to do it. Which is a good thing, because I know that at this size, it doesn't happen as quickly or dramatically. And reality is, I have a great body right now, so it's not necessary to get down further. I love my body at 145. I don't love it at 150. That five pounds DOES make a difference. It didn't when I was fat, but now it shows dramatically in the mirror when nekkid (thank gawd for clothes).

I do have a goal to get down to 135, but I don't really have a timeline. It's more about just being healthier. And sexier. Yes, yes, I do live to be sexy. I like it a LOT. Last night my hubby called my ass a "fine booty". I've never had it called that before. I just about cried it made me so happy!!

Okay, I think I'm done rambling for now.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Mmmmm, chunky drink!

Those that know me know that I do not see soup as a meal. It's nothing but a chunky drink to me, and frankly I feel ripped off if someone passes it off as food. Maybe it is psychosamatic but if I try to have just soup for a meal, I'm hungry again in a ridiculously short period of time.

Having said that, I'm making soup for dinner!!

Ah, but not just ANY soup. I'm making dim sum soup. My mummy showed me how when she was here last. And I've made it a couple of times now and LOVED it.

The only thing holding me back (besides the calories in the dumplings) is the sodium. So I decided to make my own broth.

I filled my soup pot half way with water, and added two whole onions (chopped). I chopped some carrots and threw them in, too. I added a sploosh of soy sauce (more for colour than flavour, I don't wanna add all that sodium in) and a good dollop of wasabi. I had some leftover honey garlic sausage, so I chopped that up into it too. The plan was to let it simmer all day and create a lovely broth.

So I go out to the kitchen to make my yummy spinach salad... and oh the smell!! So good! So here I sit, munching on my salad, with a side mug of chunky drink... hee hee hee. The only thing is... it could use some salt.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Yogen Fruz

I found myself at Coquitlam Centre at 5:30 with having had no afternoon snack. And I still had to go grocery shopping.

I know me. This is not a good situation.

So I'm wandering around the food fair, drooling over all the smells, but calculating calories in my head and realizing that there is nothing "worth it" to me there. Until I hit Yogen Fruz. They have a nonfat vanilla yoghurt. I thought to myself that this would actually probably be pretty good, because I had planned on having ff plain yoghurt for snack but didn't get to it. So I had a pineapple small one.

First off OMG YUM!!!! Second, I got home and went immediately online to source out the NI. Not bad!! And considering how decadent it tasted, I'm totally impressed! Add some calories for the frozen pineapple (prolly a third of a cup) and you have yourself a damn fine treat!!

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Specatular Swan Dive - an EASY 9.7 (golf clap)

I swan dived (swan dove?) last night. But it was planned.... sorta.

I started with corndogs for dinner. I had an Avon meeting / Christmas party to go to. I was nervous as hell, as I know NOONE there. NOONE. So I decided to compensate with yum. My PLAN was to have a decadent dinner (thus the corndogs) so I could control myself at the meeting by telling myself I've had enough calories for the day. The corndogs had put me 200 under my allotted amount. Still room for treats right?

HA!!

Treats didn't even BEGIN to describe that buffet table. Imagine it... a roomful of Avon reps... most of them over 50. Bakers!!

Everything I ate was a ten. Butter tart, lots of shrimps, two shortbread cookies, an atrocious chocolate muffin thing that was yuck but I wasn't where I could spit so I had to swallow it, a two bite carrot cake (ooo, I wanted another, but I didn't do it), three (3!!) homeade M&M cookies, vegetables, four (4!!) ritz crackers with a seafood spread, and I think that's it. Either that, or I've blocked the rest.

My deal with myself was that I could have all that if I got up and Shredded today, which I did.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Things that make you go "hmmmm".

There is a thread on the GDT of the WW board. It's about Oprah. I guess she made a comment about her weight and called herself a "fat cow" and referred to her weight as "the big brown elephant in the room".

Someone wrote to her about how offensive they found those statements. That if she felt that way about herself, what must she think of other overweight people?

So, of course, this sparked a back and forth poll on the site. Do statements like these offend you? It really depends on the person. And it really made me think.

Initially my thought was "no, you have the right to talk about yourself how you want". But then I had to take a step back, because while my politically correct side stands by your rights, my physical reactions are another thing.

What am I talking about? I was with someone I love the other night, and she referred to herself as "less gross" (talking about her loss to date). I physically recoiled from the comment. I don't even know if she noticed. She was busy doing something else at the time. But I mean I actually, pysically felt my face screw up, my cheeks go red and my ears start to burn, and I had to control an instant temper by walking away.

I didn't think too much of it at the time. I know that she means it in the most positive sense. I speak different positive language than she does. I would bawl if someone called me "less gross", where she feels great about being "less gross".

So reading this thread today, as I said, my initial reaction was one thing, but then I had that night pop into my head... so how do I really feel? Am I offended?

I don't know if a more true statement would be "I'm offended" or "I find that offensive". Because really, I'm not offended for me. I'm offended that anyone would talk about someone I love in those terms. Even if it's herself. Does that make sense?

It hurt me so badly to hear those words being said about her that I physically recoiled and moved away. If it had been anyone else saying those words in that moment, I'm not sure what my reaction would have been. (only cuz I'm not a fighter, but if I were I'da punched them in the nose)

So... discuss. Do you find what Oprah said offensive? Does it offend you? Do you feel that such statements indicate her feelings about only herself? Or overweight people in general? Or are people just being too damn sensitive in this world of political correctness?

Thanks for listening,

Dee

Uninspired

I don't know what's wrong with me? I've been reading other blogs and finding them so inspirational, funny, motivating and fun. Then I come to mine and I'm all BLAH. I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing new to contribute.

Sigh.

I'm in a funk... can you tell? My excema is OUT OF CONTROL. My hand is killing me. I don't remember it hurting like this before. I'm not used to the pain anymore.

I'm pleased to report that my Christmas shopping is done, except for the traditional ginch from the "Ginch" for the boys. So why am I so stressed?? I'm not really sure.

I just know I want to bury myself face first in a bag of dill pickle full fat real potato chips, and not come up for air for three days.

But I won't.

Frustrating Happy Dance

I will find something to wear to this get together tomorrow!

Seriously... some will smack me for complaining about this, but I'm going to anyways.
The scale has not really moved in the last... five months? I've been happily maintaining in the five pounds between 145 and 150.

So imagine my suprise when I went to pick my outfit for tomorrow (noone is home so I'm having "girly time") and NONE of my dress clothes fit. I mean NONE. I work from home, so haven't worn them in forever.

It just goes to show... the number on the scale means nothing!

I did eventually find a pair of pants. I have a size 8 (happy dance!) pair that I was given (thanks Crystal!), that has been in the back of my closet, because they were just too tight. They fit beautifully now (happy dance!), but I don't have a top to go with them!!

Okay, that's a lie. I do have one, but the sleeves grew for some reason. Everywhere else it fits amazingly, skimming my body without clinging to it (gotta love silk), but these sleeves! And I'm not a sewer, so don't even suggest it. They are butterfly sleeves.

Well, I guess I'll make do with that, but I'm going to have to go shopping sometime in the very near future!!

Jillian is my New Girlfriend (just don't tell my husband)

Once again, click the title to see what I'm talking about.

Okay, week 2 of the Shred is finished. And I measured today to find BOTH my waist and hips down another 1/2 inch!!! Ya, baby!! And that's only shredding three times a week!

I'm so stoked. I want EVERYONE to shred! There's a crew of us on the WW website that have committed to doing it every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and it's kept me committed. I love accountability and having to report to somone. No WAY am I going on there and saying I didn't do it, when I have absolutley no reason NOT to do it except laziness.

It's only 20 minutes. Sure it's 20 minutes of complete intensity, that some would probably call hell. But I lost 1/2 an inch off my waist, people!! THAT is worth it to me!

I had a lovely sleep in today. Although I got up just as Logan was about to leave to find that he hadn't eaten anything for breakfast. Nice, starting the day lecturing a 15 year old about how I shouldn't have to babysit him in the morning to ensure he is getting proper nutrition and fueling his brain for school. I shoved a banana, his vitamin and a glass of milk down his unwilling throat. The monsters we create, huh? He's totally dependant on me in the mornings. Yeesh!

Today's Fuel:

Late Br: 1/2 bagel egg white omellette sandwhich

Late Lu: leftover chicken breast on sketti squash with pasta sauce & asiago

Dn: 2 chicken fajitas and a fruit & yoghurt parfait from McDonald's

I have a Christmas party to go to, and so I decided to wear dress pants. Only problem is... they don't bloody fit. I look like I'm playing dressup in a grownups closet. Dammit. Now I have to figure out if I do have anything to wear, and if not go hit VV. Well, not like that's the end of the world... lol.

Have a great day, my friends!

Don't Feed the Beast at Night!!

So, I've been wavering in the five pound span between 145 and 150, and truly I'm good with it. However, I could be better. Know what I mean?

I think I've discovered the secret. My after dinner snack.

I was reading on the forum and someone said how they realized they really aren't hungry after dinner, but were just eating a snack from habit. And that when she went to bed, if she was a little grumbly, not only was it not an emergency (I'm slowly discovering that hunger is not an emergency, and sometimes have to repeat that to myself as I fight the urge to beat someone to death in my need for food NOW), but it's also a victory feeling.

The last two nights I have fought the demon... and won! No popcorn. No pomegranate. Nothing. Not even a cup of tea (don't wanna pee in the middle of the night). And I have not died!! I haven't eaten Steve in the middle of the night. I haven't had any midnight fridge raids (that I know of. Gleep!). I've been fine!!

Last night I was a little grumbly in the tumbly after Biggest Loser, but I patted my tummy and smiled, and plotted my breakfast. Then I went to sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling great, not stupidly hungry. Did my shred dvd, THEN had breakfast. And I havent' jumped on the scale, but I swear I feel skinnier.

SO! No more snacking until I need it. This body does NOT require the same amount of food my bigger body did, and if I want to maintain a smaller body, I need to consume an even smaller amount of food to do that.

It's a journey of learning more than anything else. Exciitttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!

Ahhhhh, What a Great Feeling!

You ever have one of those moments where you find yourself totally in sync with someone?

My sis and I are going Christmas shopping tonight. I'm being totally dilligent with my weight loss efforts (or at least my maintaining 145 efforts), what with Christmas parties coming up.

Usually, we will take the opportunity to indulge a little and go hit Denny's or the food fair or something. Well, I emailed her and suggested Subway, and she JUMPED on it!! Woot! We are on the same page!!

I love having a support group around me. I love knowing that I'm not the only one out here, on this lonely journey to health. Especially with the approaching season of indulgence. Parties and dinners and such... so many things to plan and swerve around.

I am shredded!

I was asked if I've seen any changes. Well, hows this for a change: When I started Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD two weeks ago (minus the three days recovery from the first attempt), I watched my stomach jiggle in the mirror. I was morbidly fascinated watching it. I purposefully wore a sports bra and pants, just to watch it.

Today, I realized that it's only jiggling HALF what it was. And when I turn sideways, I do look leaner. I'm also dramatically stronger in my upper arm strength.

It is making a difference, and that's with only doing it 3-4 times a week. Woot!!!

Today's Menu:

Br: 1 mini bagel, cut in half. Spoon of primavera sauce on each, topped with 1/2 of a 1/4 cup egg white omellette with romano cheese, green onion and mushroom, glass of milk and vitamins.

Lu: salmon spinach salad w/ craisins, romano, green onion, brocslaw, olive oil, and artichoke salsa

Sn: .5 cup yoghurt w/ .25 cup fibre1

Dn: Subway 6" turkey sub w/ mustard & veggies, no cheese or mayo, and a bag of vegetable chips.

This still leaves me with over 200 calories if I need a nighttime snack.

We Now Return to our Regularily Scheduled Programming

Okay... so I didn't go COMPLETELY hog crazy with my emotional eating the last two days, but I certainly wasn't perfect! Lots of popcorn with buttery becel *shakes fist at becel makers*. A Milky Way chocolate bar (I am pmsing, too, dammit), and 1/3 of a Pecan Caramel Nestle Sundae. Oh, and pizza, three slices. Oh and decadent extra large coffee from 7-11 with about three ounces of mint oreo hot chocolate in it.

Sigh.

Weigh in should be fun, huh? LOL

So, today's menu is:

Br: Open Face Omellete Sammich (1/2 flax bagel, 3 egg whites, 1 mushroom, 2 tbsp gr onion, 1/4 avocado, 1 tblsp asiago)

Lu: Salmon fillet w/ Spinach Salad (2oz spinach, 1oz brocslaw, 1/4 cup craisins, 1 tbsp asiago)

Sn: cuppa tea w/ paper bag popcorn

Dn: McDonald's (1 chicken fajita and a fruit & yoghurt parfait)

I will get my whole 2 litres of water in today.

Excercise will be a 30 minute step aerobic workout on the high step.

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

My people do not GET me.

Steve, the other night "what's wrong?" HELLO!! I just found out three hours ago that my mother DIED.

Doug after I ask him for support says he does then goes on to tell me how overwhelmed HE is with MY life story. HELLO!! Back to you???? Can we just focus on me for ONE conversation, PLEASE????

Logan today, "are you tired or something?" I snapped on the poor guy. "Hello?? I just found out my mother is dead, and I'm dealing with issues with my father, wtf do you think is wrong?" His response "I'm just trying to make polite conversation to help you forget about it"?

Sigh. Then I had to explain to him, through gritted teeth, trying NOT to scream his face off (cuz it's really not his fault, he's just doing the best he can with the tools he has), that I don't WANT to forget. This is my LIFE. I need to be in it, not ignoring it. Ignoring it does not make it go away, and it does NOT make it easier. I have to learn to live WITH my emotions, deal with them, and move ON.

Poor Logan. He's only 15. He honestly is trying. The rest of them, though? Could I BE more disappointed in two human beings?? It's like if it doesn't impact them directly, then it doesn't exist, or it doesn't matter. Life goes on.

Well, yes, life goes on. But how hard would it be to take five seconds out to just say "I hope you are okay and if you need me I'm here". WithOUT then making it about you.

I'm ALLOWED to have down time, and considering how much support I give on a daily basis, how come it's so fucking difficult to get from some people without having to do a whole lot of explaining???

Okay, rant over.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for your support. I do appreciate you.

I just have to remember that expectations ARE pre-meditated resentments, and it's my issue, not theirs.

A Day of Sadness

Yesterday felt like a day of action. I didn't hang out last night, waiting for the phone to ring. I felt that would be unhealthy for me, as I didn't expect him to call (which he didn't). But I knew my heart would jump every time that phone rang. And it rings a lot, with having a teenager in the house.

I went out to Tracy's and had an amazing visit. It was nice to have some time of just the two of us, catching up on the craziness that has visited our lives in the last little while. I came home late, and the dogs were already in bed. I didn't want to go into my office to check the call display, because I didn't want them to wake up and want out. I did search around the house, but Logan must have had the other phone in his room. So I shrugged and went to bed, without knowing if he had called. Pat myself on the back.

Of course, the first thing I did getting up just now was ... well, it was let the dogs out ... but the first thing after THAT was to check the call display. An unknown caller! A message on the phone! My sister Magda, wondering if I actually live here since I'm not ever home to answer her calls... LOL.

Today I feel... lethargic. I'm going to take today and wallow a little bit. I've been strong, determined, and self respecting, and today I'm feeling a little sad. I'm dropping below the line today, and just hanging out with me and my dogs. I feel like I need to get my house in order, literally as well as figuratively.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I need to really delve into myself and figure out what I need to do to move on. I need to really spend some time in my head today.

Thank you, everyone. Seriously. I could feel the love and support carrying me yesterday. I felt strong and in control, and I knew that I had every one of you backing me up.

(((((hugs))))))

He wasn't home

I left the letter, with the framed picture in a gift bag, hanging on his doorknob. I chatted briefly with his neighbour, who wanted to ensure that nothing valuable was left. She asked if he was expecting me, to which I replied with a small smile, "no".

My heart had a little flutter when I pulled in front of the house, and yet it was with confidence that I approached and knocked on the door. You know, I was actually a little disappointed that he wasn't there. I'd rather have known immediately what the state of the nation is.

Instead, it has begun. I came home and immediately checked the call display. How long will that go on, I wonder, before I secede that it is over?

I wish I knew where Lorraine is buried. Did you know today is her birthday? Ironic, isn't it? I was thinking that I would like to visit her grave, and wish her to rest in peace. I hope she had no regrets at the end, and was with peace with her decisions in life. I think that's what we all wish for ourselves, isn't it?

I took a walk down memory lane... or what's left of it. First stop was Chimo Pool. Except I got there in time to watch for a few minutes as a Cat was moving the chunks of concrete that were formerly the pool into the dumptruck. They built a new aquatic centre across the street. It's beautiful. But that I was still sad to see that part of my history being destroyed in front of my eyes.

I went and toodled through the skating rink, which will be the next phase of the plan. I smiled to see the floor with all the skate scarring. It's still the original floor, which means that some of those skate marks are Diane's. Very cool. I wandered around the centre, and went into the curling rink restaurant. I used to sit in there hiding from life, many moons ago.

I walked down to Centennial School. It's changed. I wandered the halls a little bit, but the things I remember are gone.

I went to Tipton Street and parked at the top of it. I meandered down the street, walking slowly, lookint at all the houses. I marvelled at the trees that I remember being planted. I stared up at them, with a whimsical smile on my face. I stood in front of my house, and waited for the emotion to wash over me. And it did... in a way. All I could think was "rest in peace".

I stood in front of the Baird residence, beside my old house. I smiled to myself, remembering Karen and I playing cats, crawling all over the front yard. And poor Alison, wanting so badly to play with us, but us being completely cruel to her (she is Karen's younger sister and we were MUCH too cool to hang out with her. Sorry Alison!).

I walked up to the top of Lemax, only to find Mrs. Upton's house demolished and a new house under construction. That made me sad for a moment. A took a minute to remember, then moved back down the street. I chatted a second with a home owner who was outside doing maintenance. Then I continued back past my house, and got in my car and left.

I stopped at 7-11 for a coffee, and considered if I wanted to indulge in something decadent. Did I want a hot dog? Maybe a fajita? A breakfast bunwich? I wandered, touched, looked at calories, and ended up deciding that I was actually not hungry and that if I got anything it would be allowing my day to dictate my health. I was not prepared to do that.

Now THAT put a whole new spin on things. I realized that I am okay. I am not "stuffing" or "bottling". I really am okay. Yes, I'm aprehensive about whether or not Larry will call. But not of the call itself. I welcome it. It's the next week of waiting to see if it will happen that I am anxious about.

But today? Today I had a good day. I reconciled a lot of stuff. I came to a clear understanding of where I am today, who I am today, and more importantly, who I am NOT today.

I'll tell you whom I am not. A victim. Nor do I feel like a survivor. I feel like someone who has a great life, with a great family, an amazing support network of people who love me, and that I am someone who is just really blessed. That's whom I am.

Thank you, one and all, for your support today. I'll let you know if he calls.

The Letter

This is the letter I will leave in the mailbox, along with this picture, if he is not home.

Hello,

Funny, I don’t know what to call you? Should I call you Larry? Or dad?

I know this seems completely out of the blue. The reason is that I just learned last night about Lorraine’s passing. It came as quite a shock to me. Unfortunate circumstances kept me from receiving the message.

I trust that this letter finds you well. I had hoped to actually see you, and maybe sit down for a coffee and find out how you are doing. It must be hard, being alone in the house after so many years of marriage and companionship.

I have no expectations of a relationship. It has been too many years, with too much water under the bridge to expect that. I think what I had hoped for was for you to have the knowledge that I turned out well. That my life is fantastic, and in large part because of the upbringing I had, both the good and the not so good.

I am married to a wonderful man. You met him at Aunty Elsie’s that time. Steve works for the Vancouver School Board. He’s the locksmith for East Vancouver. My children are 22 and 15. Doug lives in Chilliwack, and is currently managing an apartment building with his cousin. Logan is 15, in grade 10, and is in the process of deciding what kind of engineer he wants to be. Yesterday he came home to show me the requirements for Environmental Engineering. His Uncle Tony (Doug’s father’s twin brother) is an EE, so he will be having a long chat with him at the family Christmas gathering.

I have a wonderful extended family. I found my birth mother ten years ago. We are an amazing success story of love and genetics. I am exactly like her, which is wonderful, because she is an amazing woman that I respect and admire. I have a biological half sister, Magda, who teaches kindergarten in Taipei and has become a very dear friend and sister to me. I have a chosen sister, Sam, who is my best friend. Her mom took me under her wing back when I was 17. She was a mom to me right up until she died 11 years ago. I also have a chosen brother, Rob. He has cerebral palsy, and doesn’t let his handicap get in the way of the life he wants to lead. I have never sought out my biological father.

Anyways, I think I’ve rambled enough. I just wanted you to know that I’ve been okay. More than okay. I always thought in the back of my mind that despite everything, you cared. I didn’t want there to be any regrets on either side.

You are welcome to telephone me, if you would like to get together to have that coffee I mentioned. (phone number here).

Warmest regards,
Dee

No Regrets

I need some closure.

With Lorraine, I knew exactly where I stood with her. I knew that she had washed her hands of me both physically and psychologically. I knew that there was absolutely no hope of reconcilliation, that my advances and attempts were completely not wanted.

So I'm not really all that suprised to have woken up this morning still not mourning (the adult me).

Then there is Larry/Dad. I don't even know what to call him, I'm so uncertain.

Growing up, I always felt like I was daddy's little girl. He travelled a lot for work, and when he was gone, the abuse was uncontrolled. I hang on to little things... like the last time that she had ripped my room apart while I was in school, then made me sit in the middle of it "until your father gets home to see what you have done". I will never forget looking tearfully up at him and whispering "I didn't do it". And him looking tearfully down at me and whispering back "I know".

I used to wish, hope and dream that they would get divorced, so I could go and live with my dad. THEN life would be good. THEN I wouldn't have to walk home with that sinking feeling in my tummy, wondering what she's done this time, or what she's going to do to me today.

As I became a teen, I rebelled. I ran away. I became an embarrassment. I can say that, as an adult, looking back on the situation from their point of view. Sure we had problems, but we never took it outside the home. I remember Lorraine telling me I couldn't attend Al-A-Teen, because "she was the one with the problem, not me". She didn't want anyone knowing, was the problem.

When I started running away, my dad always knew where to find me. And he let me stay out there, until he felt it was no longer a safe place for me, or it became to hard for him because he was missing me. I'll never forget him showing up on the doorstep of the man I was staying with, Constable Bell beside him, and telling me he had to come and get me because it was one of the boys' birthdays and the whole family had been together and it wasn't right without me there. Do you know, that was the very first and last time I ever remember my mother hugging me? And it was only because there were people there. She made sure to look me in the eyes first, so I could see how she really felt.

Life was unbearable in my teen years. I made a lot of bad choices. Most of them, at the time, seemed like the only choice. There are a couple I'll forever regret. Missing Don and Louise's wedding stands out at the top of the list.

When I moved out, there was a big tantrumy scene, and my parents called the police to mediate. Constable Bell came. He put down that I could leave (I was a month shy of 17), as long as I phoned home once a week to say I was okay. I didn't even have to tell them where I was.

I remember standing out in the carport with my garbage bag of stuff. My mother wouldn't let me take much. It was so sad to have to leave behind my bookshelf. But I'll never forget standing out in the carport waiting for Doug and Steve to come and get me from Maple Ridge... and my dad coming out and waiting with me. I don't recall what we talked about, except one line. "Don't get pregnant, Diane".

Five months later the police drop me off on their doorstep, pregnant. Was that the beginning of the end for him?

They put me in Maywood Home for Unwed Mothers. I went willingly. I had no other options outside of the streets. I don't remember if he came to see me.

When I had the baby, I named him after his father and my father. If he had been a girl, his middle name would have been after Lorraine. I was desperate for approval. The interaction I had was with my mother, at that point.

The next time I saw my father, he brought a tricycle out for Douglas. He was two. I lived in a shack. He stayed for a bit and visited. I hugged that visit close to me for years. I beleived in my heart of heart that if it weren't for Lorraine, he would have stayed being my daddy.

More years went by. I saw them a couple of times. It's now been probably 13 years since I had my last contact with them.

Sam had a very tense conversation with Larry, trying to get an item from my childhood back, that involved my mother shrieking in the background and Larry saying that I was a horrible teenager and that I made them look like animals or something like that. It broke my heart, and I thought him lost forever. I put it to bed.

I worked the last ten years to put that family behind me and move on with my life. And I've succeeded.

Yesterday, after receiving the email from Louise and learning Lorraine was dead, I called Sam. Without knowing it, she uttered one line that changed my world perception completely (which we clarified later). What it comes down to is that we don't know if he was saying the things he said because his wife was freaking out or if it came from his heart.

I have to know.

He has had cancer twice. He's not well. He's 71. If he dies, and I have not gone to see if I am truly dead in his eyes as I was in hers, I will forever regret it. Feeling as I am about Lorraine, I know that I'm in a good place with her. I'm not with my father. I need to look him in the eyes and say hi.

So I'm driving out there today. I'm going to do a workout, then shower and dress with care. Then I am driving out to Coquitlam and I'm going to knock on his door.

Worst case scenario, he's not home.

Second worse case scenario, he answers and welcomes me. They truly are a disfunctional family, and I have stated (and meant it) for many years that I am better off without them in my life.

Best case scenario, he slams the door in my face. Then it is done, and I can mourn it, and then put it away, knowing I once again tried to make peace and was the bigger person.

I think the scariest part of all is that I actually slept really well last night. I woke up this morning with the same peaceful resolve. I know in my heart of hearts that I am doing the right thing. It's almost the same feeling I had in the hour before my wedding.

I don't have a plan of what to say. And I'm not even thinking about it. Maybe "hi". Maybe I'll ask him to come out with me for coffee. I don't know. Maybe he'll slam the door and I won't need to say anything.

I'll let you know how it goes.

No regrets.

Screeching Halt

Today I learned that Lorraine is dead.

For those that know me, you are sitting back with your hand over your mouth saying "whoa".

For those that don't... in a nutshell, I grew up in an adopted family. My mother, Lorraine, was a drunk. She was abusive on every level except sexual. My childhood was horrific, which lead to a tumultuous teen life. Which led to teen pregnancy. Which lead to being disowned.

I stalked this family for 17 years. I sat outside of their home, wishing I could go up to the front door, knock and have her open the door, open her arms, enfold me, and say she was sorry, and that she really DID love me. I wrote letters and received no responses. I apologized for being such a rotten child. No response. I asked for the opportunity for us to get to know each other on a new, adult level. No response.

I found my birth mother 10 years ago. About four years ago, I stopped thinking of them all the time. I stopped sitting outside their house on Christmas day, hoping they would see me and invite me in (how pathetic am I?). Craning for a glimpse... just a glimpse... of someone, anyone.

Today I learned that she died a year ago. Cancer of the liver. Well, the doctors call it cancer. I call it Karma.

But this is not about her. This is about me. I always wondered how I would feel at this moment. Would I cry? Would I be devestated? Would I laugh and rejoice? How does one feel when a mother, who is a stranger, who hates you, whom you loved, whom you hated, dies?

Apparently one is numb. I feel... withdrawn. I don't want anyone to touch me. I'm not... mourning. But I'm not okay, either.

Regrets... do I have any? Not with her. I tried. Repeatedly. She shunned me absolutely. I am not sad that she is gone. I am not happy about it, either. That's not who I am.

The only thought that has brought tears to my eyes so far is that "it's over". I will never ever have that womans love or approval. And yes, I know, I don't need it. It's not about that. Please, no trite comments. I'm baring my soul here...

The little girl in me, that clamoured to be loved... she is mourning. The hopeful young woman who wrote a letter, asking forgiveness and to be brought back into the family, then mailing it away and eagerly checking the mail every day for weeks as the hope of a response died with each day that passed. She is mourning.

The strong happy woman today, she's looking at this and shaking her head, thinking it's okay, I'll take care of you. You have me now.

That's all I got right now. I may be back.

Great Quote

The brain is in charge and that our muscles will do what the brain says. If it says to keep going then the muscles keep going."

Dr. Oz

Makes ya think, doesn't it? How many times in a crazy workout have you thought "I just can't go on, I can't do it".

Ahhh, Monday

After the weekend, I'm always glad to be back to my routine's. *stops to pet the hampster*

I've made my menu for the day:

Br: Smoothie (1/4 cup yoghurt, 1/4 cup sweet potato, 1 tablespoon ground flax, 1/2 cup milk, 1/2 banana, 3 strawberries, and vanilla, banana, and coconut extracts)

Lu: Spinach Salad Extrodinaire (2oz spinach, 2 oz brocslaw, 1/4 cup craisins, 3 tablespoons cottage cheese, 1 tablespoon shredded asiago, 3 oz dark chicken meat)

Sn: paperbag popcorn

Dn: 4 oz pork loin chop, 3 baby yellow potatoes, steamed broccoli

Sn: Pomegranate

Plus, I'm committing to doing Jillian Michaels Shred on Monday, Wednesday and Friday of this week. Plus I will get in some walking, and some treadmilling.

Must make up for those chili cheese dogs somehow!!

WW is changing!

http://tinyurl.com/New-WW-Plan

http://tinyurl.com/New-WW-Plan-2