*knock knock* ... this thing on?

Um... hi. It's been awhile. Anyone still around? 

It's been a hard and harsh six years since my last post. I've put back on the majority of what I lost. I've restarted my journey because I hit 200 lbs again (200.6 to be exact). I got smacked with bursitis in my hips and lost the ability to do the running and walking I loved so much. It spiraled me into a depression and saw the weight creep back.  So March 9th I got back on the wagon. It wasn't easy and it wasn't pretty (I'm short, so hefting my fat ass onto a wagon is always going to be a comical sight), but here I am, back at the beginning.

I've hired a training coach couple and am on a meal plan. I've been documenting my journey on Facebook. If you would like to be a part of my motivation team, hit up my group here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/217850818563030/

I hope that you are well. <3 div="">

... and she lived happily ever after. The end.

When I started this blog, it was for me to keep track of how I was doing. It was a place for me to vent my feelings, brainstorm ideas, bang out epiphanies. And I did.

Then I started getting followers. And it was good. So I started talking about my blog in real life, to my real peeps. And it was good... for a while. But then, it wasn't.

You see, I can't be me here. I can't vent my frustrations. I can't talk about what bugs me. I can't discuss my feelings. I can't talk about my marriage. I can't talk about my relationships. I can't talk about anything at all except me. And I can't even talk about me.

Do you see the disclaimer at the top of this blog? That's there because all of a sudden I was getting lambasted with responsibility. That because people were looking to me for inspiration, I had a responsibility to not lead them astray. To watch my every word, so as not to offend. To not give bad advice, so as not to kill anyone. To be careful how I word my selftalk, so as not to lead anyone to eating disorders.

This blog is no longer about me.

And so I am leaving it. Because I still need what I started in the first place. A place where I can be me. Where I can talk about me. Where I can be open, honest and upfront about my issues. Where noone in real life knows about. Where noone in blogland knows who I am.

I thank you. I thank you for encouragin me. For showing me that I am not alone in this journey called life. For commiserating with me when the wagon is far off in the distance. For laughing with me. For crying with me. For sharing with me.

I am choosing to leave this blog here. I won't be adding to it. But it is a powerful testimony to what I accomplished. I want to keep it for myself. I want to visit it, and see what worked. See what didn't. And remind myself of where I came from.

So be well, my friends. Enjoy your journey. I'm enjoying mine.

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Super Crappy Yesterday

I had a super DUPER crappy night last night. But of course, I can't talk about it on here because this is so public to my real life.

Sigh.

I do believe I'm going to slowly knock this blogging off. It started out as a journal to help me, but has turned into something different, that I'm not too fond of.

Suffice it to say, I'm turning over a new leaf today. I will NOT let someone else drag my Saturday down.

The scale showed me love this morning, down an entire pound (!!) to 153.4. That's only 6.4 from where the doctor told me to stop losing (although I'm thinking I want to one day see 138 and a BMI of normal).

Must have coffee. Urgh.

Why the hell do I wake up at ridiculously early hours on Saturdays? Why??

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I want PIZZA!!

Damn Panago and their current flier with a meatball pizza oozing in cheezy goodness on the front.

I was reading blogs just now, and came across Fat Daddy's post about compliments. And it made me sad.

You see, there is a cycle, it seems. When you first start losing weight, you wait expectantly with baited breath for every pound to be noticed. The first 25 pounds or so are heartbreaking in their lack of showing. Or, they show, but people don't want to say anything incase they are just "seeing things".

But then you hit a point where people really start seeing it. And HOO-BOY is that fun!! All of a sudden you have wicked motivation! You can't let these people down! They are watching your every move, and complimenting the hell outta ya! It feels good. You feel rewarded. You feel motivated. You feel relieved.

Then you reach goal weight. And the compliments keep coming. But now they are coming in a way that is starting to frustrate you. I would see people that I haven't seen in a year, and ALL they could talk about was my weight loss. It started to define me. And it started exasperating me. I wanted to talk about other things. I wanted to talk about them. Sure, I'll tell you what I did, but then let's move on, shall we? Please? No? Okay, fine, let's keep talking about it... sigh.

My closest started seeing how I was losing who I was, and so they stopped complimenting me. Which was totally cool with me. I was done talking about it. Besides, I was in a different place than most were, and frankly, found myself stepping on people's toes all the freakin time. Best to not discuss my thoughts and feelings around my own fat issues, as people perceived it as talking about them and their issues (whether I was or not.. there was a ton of projecting). Best to keep my trap shut, right?

Only here's the thing. I've put ten pounds back on. And I'm ridiculously insecure. Ridiculously. And so I dress very very carefully. I do my best to look really pretty. Or really sexy. Or really whatever I'm going for that day. I shop very carefully. I work very hard on my appearance.

And noone says a word.

So my insecurities bash around in my head, screaming "FAT BITCH FAT BITCH FAT BITCH WHAT MADE YOU THINK YOU COULD GO OUT IN THESE CLOTHES FAT BITCH FAT BITCH FAT BITCH".

Yep, it IS that extreme.

I am struggling with this ten pounds (actually it's like seven pounds, but on my body it looks to me like twenty), and sabotage the shit out of myself. I feel like I have no motivation. Nobody cares. Nobody looks for positive on me. I have been fighting with it for three months now, and it keeps winning.

I have become so incredibly insecure, having zero positive affirmation, that I actually struggle getting out of the house now. If I'm desperate, I'll ask if I look okay, but how desperate does that look? I can tell you how desperate it feels. And if I have to ask, then I know I don't look as spectacular as I thought I did. And if I don't ask, my insecurity rises with every moment I'm out in public. I second guess myself all the time. I watch people's faces, looking with fear for their disgust. Watching their eyeballs go directly to my plumper zones. Watching for judgement. Do I really look good? Does this really go together? Are people just being nice to my face, but laughing behind my back? Will I end up on a site like "People of Walmart"?

And then I don't want to go out.

But here's the thing. I have a friend who has agoraphobia. She didn't leave her house for years. I am deathly afraid of becoming like that. But I can feel how it happens.

So I fight it. Every day I fight it. Every weekend, I burst out of my house, with a FUCK YOU WORLD attitude. I work hard to build my confidence internally. I find something good about myself and give myself affirmations. I avoid the mirror, because I get sucked into it and end up changing my clothing in a frenzy of panic. I do my best to appear confident, sexy, carefree, and happy.

But inside all I'm whispering over and over is, "do I look okay?".

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What a workout!!

It was soccer night tonight. And for one reason or another, I was the only one that showed. But I was prepared to be, and in the mindset that I wanted the workout.

And I had a BLAST!!!

I practiced dogs.
I volleyed with the wall for ages at a good intensity.
I ran the field with the ball a number of times.
I practiced running and kicking with my left to the right, and vice versa.
I practiced kicking with precision.
I practiced cornering with the ball by doing tight (as tight as I could) figure eights around the goalposts.
I practiced more dogs.
I practiced scoring from a running start.
I practiced aim.
I practiced breathing techniques.
And probably more, but I can't think of anything.

Oh yeah, I also jumped up on a low bench with both feet 30 times, and did stepping knee raises ten times each side.

:)

The only reason I stopped at an hour and fifteen minutes was because I could feel hot spots on my heels. I don't want blisters!

Total Time: 1:30 (including 15 min cool down).
Zone: 131 - 193
Total Time in Zone:
Average Heartrate: 136
Max Heartrate: 176
Calories Burned: 602

I can see the difference from when others are there in the Max and the Calories. With the team it would take over two hours to burn that many calories. And the max is usually in the low 160s, just from the standing and waiting. My heartrate isn't sustained during practice, thus spiking it when I push the effort.

What does this mean? More nights out versing a wall!! If it burns that many calories, and is THAT much fun... I will most definately do that again!

Now... my Kingdom for a ball that stays properly inflated.

PS: Shoutout to Sesame, who provided me with a new mp3 for tunes. Woot!! I've convinced the boy to put workout tunes on it for me. He's all serious at the computer right now, listening to beats. :) :) :)
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Soooo.....

In the spirit of singing "What Have You Done Today" I decided to walk to do my banking. Oh sure, you are thinking. Who cares? You walked to the bank. Pffft.

First I walked from my house at 216th, down to my bank on 207th. Then I walked from there, all the way uptown to my son's bank at 225th. That's 4.89 miles, if you are counting. Or 7.8 km for us Canadians. Pthhhht!!

But of course, having only had just under 200 calories for lunch and a banana for snack, I found myself STARVING once I got uptown. So I hit the food court.

I salivated past Orange Julius, eyeballing the pizza dog. I dragged my feet past A&W, wiping my chin at the Papa Burger. I went right past the Tandoori place, with their creamy sauces and white rice. I paused at the Japanese place, but continued on to Sandwich tree and ordered me a shrimp, avocado and cream cheese sammich on flax bread. Woot!!

I had that instead of dinner (okay, I had a half cup of chili for dinner, only cuz I had been looking forward to it since I made it last night), and I'm having popcorn with the show tonight. But I am glad I made the choice I did, rather than the unhealthy ones that were calling me.

And I then hit Purdy's and bought one little tiny peanut butter daisy as a treat, instead of the Cream Horn I really wanted.

I have LOTS to sing about tonght!!!!

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Review: Clover Leaf Yellowfin Tuna Steaks - Fresh Thai Herb

Have you tried this?

I saw it in the grocery store. I'm always hunting for a good source of protein. I saw these and thought "I'll try it".

Holy YUM!! I'm eating it on a spinach salad, and my mouth is burning, but not too much. Mind you, I don't think my sister would eat it. And I wouldn't give it to little kids. But it's tasty tasty tasty! Fantastic texture. It's definately a tuna steak. Meaty and chewy. Not like canned tuna at all.

Here's a link: Clover Leaf Yellowfin Tuna Steaks - Fresh Thai Herb

As you can see on the nutritional stats, it's a little high in sodium, but for a "processed" food, it's not too bad at all. And the ingredients aren't unpronouncable, either. That's my criteria for new products. Note: I just listened to a Jillian Michaels podcast where she describes processed food. This product is not processed. It is all natural ingredients with no preservatives added, therefore not classified as processed.

Would I buy this again? Absolutely! And I'll try the other flavours, too. I have a lemon pepper in my cupboard that I'm now itching to try. And they were only $2 something each.

Side note: I would have documented the whole lunch prep, but my stupid camera is a big fat piece of shit.

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PHEW!!!

So, I got a call this morning from the Fraud Squad (I wonder what they are really called??). It turns out that the transaction was in Montreal, which is why they flagged it. Someone copied my card and pin. They are still investigating where that happened. I mentioned that since I talked about it, all sorts of people are coming out of the woodwork to say it happened to them here in Maple Ridge. He said that he suspects it's a clerk in a store somewhere here.

Anyway, the money will be back in my account within 24 hours. Woot!! Go RBC!!!

So that was a great start to my day... and tonight BIGGEST LOSER!!!!!!!! Could I possibly BE more excited?? I dunno.

I have to do a killer workout today, so I can sing the song.

Side note: why do I choke up with tears whenever I think of singing the song???

It looks like it's going to be a hella emotional show tonight. Second chances. Very exciting. I'm stoked to see Danny back. Don't even get me STARTED on that last year. I was CHOKED at David on his behalf. CHOKED.

Plus, this means family night! Actually having Logan sit with us in the living room and watch tv with us withOUT his phone at his ear!! So stoked. :)

Speaking of which... teens. Pfft. That kid works a job, goes to school, and pays for his own phone. But he ALWAYS has it at his ear. Do I have the right to ask him to not be on it all the time? It's his. He pays for it. And if he wasn't on it, he'd be on the computer. I'm a little torn. I think we need to start doing stuff as a family that doesn't involve the tv. Mind you, that will mean just Logan and I because watching tv is how Steve unwinds after his long day. And it's not fair to ask him to change his routine just because I want to see more of Logan. And Logan doesn't like watching tv. It's a catch 22 for sure.

So yeah, I'm totally looking forward to tonight!


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R.I.P. Patrick Swayze

You'll dance forever in my heart.

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FFS

I was going to blog about what a great time I had at the Canadian Country Music Awards, but that's been preempted by the fact that I am completely pissed off that my bank card was compromised, and my bill money for the month was stolen out of my account at 5:37am this morning.

I went down to my branch after phoning and finding out what to do, only to remember when I got there that they are closed on Mondays.

I have shit coming out of that account tomorrow, and the funds aren't there. I'm freaking OUT.

And on top of that, I am sabotaging myself left, right and sideways. I actually had to drive in the left lane so as NOT to drive through McDonald's for an ice cream. I physically had to fight to NOT sabotage myself, and promised myself popcorn later. What the fuck is wrong with me??

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*Swoon*

Again with the TMI:

I had an AMAZING night with my man last night! I decided that only I can change what I want changed, so it was a night of romanticism, soft porn, wine, hoots, and sensuality EXTRODINAIRE!!!!

Soft porn (from A&E Channel) is beautiful! And sensual! And totally not fair!! You see tits, ass, even a flash of pussy, but never cock. Ever.

However, for those that like the sexy without the actual close up joined shots, this stuff is hot hot hot!! And, it reminded me how to BE sensual. Watching those girls strip for the man, writhing their bodies, touching themselves... watching the man's eyes as he drank it all in... made me go "hmmm". So I whipped out some Creamsickle massage cream and gave myself a wee chest massage. Holy Banana Feathers!!! I haven't seen that look in his eyes in YEARS.

It made me realize that I have a hot body that my husband hasn't seen before... and dammit, I can USE it!! And guess what.. he doesn't SEE the flaws. He sees the new skinny parts. He sees the boobs. He sees sexy. He sees sensual. He sees whatever it is that I want him to see.

I talked once about bathing suits, and how I'm so much more conscious NOW than I ever was fat. Cuz noone has expectations of hotness from a fat chick, but one that is closer to skinny, people are more critical of (read: I am). Well, I took that into the bedroom. My big big BIG mistake.

I forsee a whole lotta sexy time in my future. Time to reconnect on a level of intimacy. I don't care WHAT he is watching on tv, if I'm feeling it, I'll put on a little show for him and I guarantee (I hope!!) that I will get what I am needing. And if not, then I finish what I start, and he gets a good show. Win/Win.


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Is it Friday Yet??

Oh it is!!

Yay!!

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Yummy Yummy Yummy!!

I picked a sketti squash out of my garden. First one! Oh MAN was it tasty!

I cut the end off, then pricked it with the knife, and nuked it for 15 minutes, turning once. Then I took it out, sliced it in half, and scooped out the yuck. Using forks I shredded the inards and threw it in a bowl.

I drizzled an ounce and a half of olive oil, then threw in oregano and garlic and tossed. Then I added a pound of cooked buffalo meat that I had seasoned with Keg Steak Spice. I tossed the whole mess and let it sit for about five minutes so the flavours could marry (lookit me sounding all Food Networky!).

O.M.G. YUM!!!

No picture... I ate it too fast. *sheepish grin*

On the excercise front, I had a wicked workout today. The HRM said 1:27:50, 417 calories. I'm pretty okay with that considering it was mostly speed walking, ending with a bit of step ups with weights. Considering how badly I've been sucking ass at moving my ass, I'm feeling rather fantastic about it!

Which brings me to the sucking ass about moving my ass. I know why. It's the heart rate moniter. Now that I know how few calories I actually burn (machines lie, don't trust them), excercises that I normally did now didn't seem "worth it". So I wouldn't do them, thinking that I'll run instead. Running burns wicked calories. But there's the crunch. I hate running. So did I run? Nope. Did I do ANYTHING? Nope.

I had a stern talking to myself and told myself that burning 100 calories is a helluva lot better than burning 0 calories, and reality is that I need to excercise to build strength, not just burn calories. I kicked my ass, then got on the treadmill. You will be seeing more activity reports here, I tell you what.

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Foods and Yumminess

Well, soccer was cancelled... so that means dancing at Roosters! Woot!!

Nothing really new to report. I ate Arby's yesterday, and that fat bitch that lives in my head yelled out "I'll take a five piece potatoe wedge, too!" after already ordering a MEDIUM sandwich. Yeesh!!

I unloaded food pics off my camera, and it's kinda random...

This is yesterday's breakfast, with no pics of the rest of the day. Um... okay. ?? I dunno. Anywho, this is a whole wheat english muffin with a quarter cup egg white and a tablespoon of asiago with a bit of chive. Boring as fuck.




Today's breakfast apparently didn't warrant a pic, but it was similar to this one, only it had walnuts instead of almonds, and yogurt instead of cottage cheese. Again... ??? I dunno.





I remembered lunch! A wrap with Thai tuna, tomato and sprouts. I'm having a love affair with sprouts these days.




Snack was an apple... oh, and then cottage cheese, which suprise suprise, I don't have a picture of.

Dinner was organic chicken (I ripped the skin off one, and ate the other whole), rice and salad. No salad dressing, just blasamic vinegar.

And now I'm drinking red wine. I've budgeted in three beers tonight. And I have to dance for at least an hour. Preferably more.

That's about all I got right now. I had other stuff I was going to jabber about, but in true bloggy fashion, once I was ON my blog, I totally forgot what that was. Pffft.

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TMI

I have got to stop reading books about death. After making awesome love with my husband, I'm laying in his arms and the thought I think is: I will miss this when you're dead.

"PS: I Love You" sucks.

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Soccer Day!!!

Woot! Soccer tonight! Rain or shine, and it looks like rain!

Well, the first overnight with Maddy went FANTASTIC! She barked a couple of times to let me know that I had accidentally locked her into the bedroom, but quickly realized that it was nighttime. And after that she was good as gold!

She has quickly and willingly fallen into routine here when it comes to the morning bite of liverwurst. I use it to give my dogs their glucosamine. She doesn't get the pill, but she gladly takes the bite of yumminess!

Here's a pic of my pack this morning. The blur is Morgana completely at war with her phobia of the camera, and the knowledge of a treat, LOL.




I don't think she was impressed that I have a camera.





AAAAnd here's my good start to the day! Yogurt, granola, craisins, almonds, choco chips and a pear. YUM!






It's going to be a good healthy eating day, ending with an awesome time out on the field burning calories and moving my ass!

I'm sure you'll see me again today... I seem to be on a blogging role, lol.

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SABOTEURE!!!!

I win! I had a decaf coffee, double double, with milk & sweetener. Note to self: next time get single single... blech.

He orders the blueberry blossom AND the blueberry fritter, after telling me I really want the fritter, and me telling him that NO I'm saving my calories for popcorn which I've been planning all day which is why we didn't have rice for dinner as I TOLD him at dinnertime. His reasoning? He'll eat mine!

I had a tiny taste of each. The doughnut was yuck, but the fritter... oh man, I could eat those! But I didn't!! I sat and watched him devour every morsel of one of my favourite foods, while I gritted my teeth and smiled like a good date does.

He's lucky he's cute.

And now, I'm off to eat my well earned popcorn, which tastes nothing like a blueberry fritter, but that's okay cuz I've been looking forward to it all night and I'm not sad about it at ALL.

*sob*

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D'Oh!!

What is one supposed to do when one's husband who NEVER asks one out on a date asks to take you for coffee and a doughnut at 8:20PM when you cannot drink coffee this time of night without being up till 2AM and you've made a vow NOT to eat junk food?

Huh? What??

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Oh My Lanta!!

I am so fucking BORED!!

I just had this conversation with my husband:

Me: How do you do this all day?
Him: What?
Me: NOTHING!! I'm BORED!!
Him: Go find something to do.
Me: This is your fault.
Him: MINE?
Me: Yes, I want to spend time with you, but you are BORING!!

Harumph. Okay, not very nice of me, but we laughed. And I did mean it, and he knows it... but whaddaya do? I work from home. I am an "on the go" person all the time. Always something on the horizon. The only time I spend the whole day reading on the couch is when I'm too sick to move.

I'm sick, but it's at the tail end of it, and my plan was to rest all day to end it. But holy sheep shit, someone kill me now!!!! At the very LEAST chase me with a knife!!

On the puppers front, Maddy has settled in very nicely. She is a right little lady, that one. Also a bit of a shit disturber, lol. Oscar was laying with me on the couch and Maddy jumped up to the top of the couch to have a bit of a go at him. She starts creeping closer. I'm eyeballing her around my book and watching Oscar eyeballing her around me. She comes to my head and jumps down on the arm of the couch. Oscar moves a little closer to my head, with his eyes bulging out... she raises a paw and SWATS at him like a cat! He LOST it!! Lunges at her in full hounddog snarly barks of MINE MINE MINE MY MOMMY MINE!!!! She prances out of teethshot with what I swear is a giggle and a grin. Brat. LOL

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I hereby declare and proclaim...

I will not indulge in copious amounts of crap this weekend, just because it's the weekend. NO!!

I have no bbq's I have to go to. I have no bar nights planned. Just soccer on Sunday, and a good book to read. I will recover from this damn cold, and I will eat in moderation, and I will move a bit to burn some calories.

Side Note: This is what I'm listening to right now...

Maddy: BARK BARK BARK

Steve: NO BARKS

Maddy: BARK BARK BARK

Steve: NO BARKS

Maddy: BARK BARK BARK

Steve: NO BARKS

She's sitting on the couch beside him barking at him every time he says it. *snort*

Two hours and we've had four potty in the house instances. I think it's safe to say that this poor pup is discombobulated. Poor thing. Just about killed Steve though. I hear him roar "GET THE HELL OUTSIDE WHAT ARE YOU DOING" and I go running out to see what happened, and he tells me she shit on the carpet. So I deal with the dog, come back and he's sitting on the couch. Um, hello? Are you not going to clean that up? He looks at me shocked and says "I thought you were handling it!". I guess I got crazy eyes cuz he leapt up and ran for the bathroom saying over his shoulder "I got it, stop looking at me like that!". ROFL

I took some food pics yesterday. But not all of them. I missed the donair I had for lunch (nsv, is that I usually get the Greek one, with a huge scoop of feta on it, but I didn't this time, I got the regular one which is still big, but without the ridiculous 300 calories of feta on it), the bowl of banana gelato, the McDonald's ice cream cone and the dark chocolate Coffee Crisp. But I don't want to talk about those... :)

This was my breakfast, though! Cottage cheese, banana, chocolate chips and almonds, YUM!




Lunch was something I'm definately going to repeat today. Garlic pesto wrap, sprouts, cheese, tomato and red onion with a squirt of mustard. Holy delicious and fresh tasting!!




Isn't it pretty and colourful?? If I was hungry right now I'd make one cuz it's totally titallating me. Is that bad?

This is today's "starting the day right" breakfast! (NSV for me... Saturday mornings usually mean way too much coffee and no food). It's yogurt, banana, choco chips and Omega-3 Blue Menu granola goodness.




Sam, if you are reading this, don't stress about Maddy. She's a dog, doing what a dog does. You know... when dogs don't understand English and don't get "you must pee and poo outside cuz that's the house rules". And apparently Oscar and Morgana don't care to tell her the rules. Probably cuz they are hiding from the squirt bottle thinking "better her than us!". ROFL Seriously, she's fine. She'll continue to be fine. It is all funny and good. She'll figure out the rules. It takes time. We are dog people and totally know it!



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