Epiphany: I really AM okay!

First: AWESOME workout on the track. I missed the fresh air! It was tough. I was telling Crystal that I guess I’m getting used to doing the majority of my workouts lately on the dreadmill, so the track is harder, where it was vice versa in the beginning. We walked a couple extra laps after being done the workout, then I ran from the school to Dewdney. I feel fantastic!!

Now: Okay, I'm typing off the top of my head, so bear with me if I wander around. I'm a fast typer, but I think a bizmillion times faster.

Last week I was in a conversation about "dealing with the six year old". As in when you are faced with a situation where your past issues/feelings/situations come up and take over your body, and the person you are facing is no longer facing a rational adult, but is dealing with the abused six year old. I was saying that I really don't find myself in that situation, and this was basically the conversation:

"I think it's because I've dealt with things."
"Or you've stuffed them."
"Maybe, but I think it's more because I've dealt with them."
"OR they are well stuffed."

Maybe not the exact words, but the gyst is the same. My point being, I dropped the subject because I was so incredibly offended by the conversation, like I had been slapped in the face. I felt like I was being projected upon, and was in fact dealing with the aformentioned six year old, and that no good was going to come from arguing the point. Mainly, too, because I couldn't articulate satisfactorily WHY it was that I felt I was being projected upon.

Then I watched Biggest Loser last night. Jillian's team had counselling. Long ago I had a conversation with Steve about how most people that I talk to have hidden behind their weight or used their weight as an excuse for things (he left me cuz I'm fat, not because I'm not loveable). I've not felt that I could relate to these issues. I honestly felt that the reason I was fat was because I liked the way food tasted, and so I ate it! A lot of it! Because it tasted so good in my mouth, it didn't matter to me that I was full to bursting... I had to have a little more. You get the point.

So ANYways... last night watching BL, and every one of them had something happen in their childhood that traumatized them. Okay, so did I. Every one of them had self loathing. The counsellor was dealing with one of the men who had been abused and was vehemently telling him that his abuser was the one with the issues, and that it wasn't his fault, he was NOT a bad child.

DING DING DING DING DING!!!!!!

All of a sudden it's all clear to me! I stopped the tv and turned to Steve and said "that's it!".

You see, back when I was in my very early 20's, I had a couple of conversations with my ex SIL, Louise. I found out the why of why my mother did what she did to me. I know the reasons. And I know that it wasn't about ME. I know that it was her issues, and that yes she did bad things to me, but it wasn't my FAULT. I have been able, over the years to take that knowledge and truly deal with my childhood. This is why it doesn't jump up to bite me in the ass very often. In fact, rarely.

I am a good person, and I deserve good things, and I am loved, and I am loving, and I am loveable! I know these things. I know that my childhood was an unfortunate thing that I lived through, and was strong enough to get past and actually feel sorry for my mother. She had a rough, terrible life, and she chose the wrong ways to deal with it. Again, it's unfortunate that it was me she dealt wrongly with, but luckily I have the genetics I do (thanks Mom!) and I was able to get past it all, and understand.

So I can honestly say that no, it's not stuffed. Yes, there were blank spots in my childhood. Hell, there are blank spots in the last ten years. It's not concious. It's age... lol. Anything I remember, I can look back on and say "that's so sad", and it's like it happened to someone else. Because it's not me. It's not who I am today. And it wasn't ABOUT me. And it wasn't MY fault.

Yes, I still have issues. Abandonment issues, for sure. Death issues, you bet. But as for my childhood and the six year old? Man, that's so 30 years ago!