If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Friday, May 29, 2009

Awesome Cool!

I got this email today:

Hi Dee

I know you have already heard from our company, but I also wanted to thank you for your wonderful feedback about our Pro Plus yogurt. It is so nice to hear such positive comments! We all enjoyed reading your blog, and I personally agree with you - the Pro Plus is fantastic, and my favorite is the Vanilla Green Apple. Thank you for taking the time to let us know how much you enjoy the yogurt.

Your blog is very interesting and you show a lot of humour. Congratulations on your weight loss - you look amazing! I would be happy to send you a coupon for some complimentary Pro Plus if you would like to reply with your address, to show our appreciation for your support of Island Farms.

Best regards,

Jenny Matechuk

Marketing & Events Coordinator
Island Farms - Agropur

Okay, how amazed and impressed am I? Nothing excites me more than hearing from companies that you write to. I absolutely love that Jenny took the time to respond when she really didn't have to! They had already written to me, thanking me for my comments.

If I didn't love them and their products already, I would now!

Thanks for listening,


The Key To Balance...

The key to balance when you are in the midst of what you realize will be a three day binge is eating really light and healthy when you can. I know my lunch and dinner today will be astronomically expensive, caloric budgetary wise (ooo, new phrase!!), so for breakfast it was yogurt, banana, dark chocolate chips and flax granola. Tomorrow is going to be oodles and oodles of wine and yummy foods, so where I can, I will eat sensibly. Will I work out? Probably not. But I will encourage dancing if possible at the party I'm going to.

I may be absent for a couple of days... the next while is an insane time of busy busy busy and eat eat eat.

But never fear... I will return!!

Thanks for listening,


Thursday, May 28, 2009

Oh, the SAAAAAAAD!!!

I think my camera may be pooched. *sob*

It's old. It's decrepit. It takes horrid yellow pictures of anything close, and horrid fuzzy pictures of anything far. But it's all I have!

It chews through batteries like nothing. I have to replace them at least every day, sometimes twice a day. And the only pics I take are the ones you see on here! Today the batteries won't work at all. I put fresh charged ones in and it is still telling me to replace them.

Let's hope it's the batteries. Mind you, it's almost as freakin expensive to buy new rechargable batteries as it is to buy a new camera these days.

Thanks for listening,


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Lose. LOSE!!

Dammit, people... you want to LOSE weight, not LOOSE weight.

Think of it this way... you only want to lose it once. So one O.

Rant over.

Thanks for listening,


Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Tuesday's Musings

I sad... a little. Michelle and I aren't working out together until Thursday. She thinks Wednesday, but I have to pick up Mummy from the ferry. Still need to tell Michelle that. I find I work out way harder with her there. It's not a competition, but I feel like I have to keep up and then some. Girl can move!!!

Today instead of feeling sorry for myself (she works a late shift), I did an hour of yoga. That fat burning dvd I bought at Value Village. It's an hour workout which is awesome. Doesn't raise the heartrate, so doesn't burn a swack of calories, but man does it make my body feel amazing. Then I shook my groove thang to country music for a half hour to get the heart rate up.

This all left me HONGRY for dinner. But wait... let's start at the beginning, shall we?

First off, I woke up to this bit of gardeny goodness:

I growed it!! From a sketti squash I eated, too!!!! Woot!!

What suprised me was how far it had grown by dinnertime. The first pic is at 8am, this second is at 6pm. Holy super growth!! Kinda looks like that talking hungry plant in that movie... I know what I mean.

Okay, food! Breakfast was old faithful. Yes, I enjoy smoothies, green monsters, etc. But I always end up back at oatmeal. I just love this stuff. In the pot was 1/3 cup each of water, porridge and almond breeze, 1 squirt vanilla, and a 1/4 cup craisins. On top was 1T each of almonds and choco chips. Swoon!

Lunch was leftover chicken meat warmed up over spinach with a tablespoon of caesar w/bacon dressing. I love that shit. A half a tomato and a tablespoon of craisins provide the vitamin C for this meal.

Snack was two oatmeal raisin cookies I forgot to take a pic of. *hangs head* But the calories are accounted for and I'm within budget. *leaps for joy*

Dinner came and I was STARVING. A bit of a mishmosh. That's a veggie burger from M&M's on a Dempster's bun (the bun is only 110 calories! zero nutrition, but still!) with a sploosh of sweet chili sauce. Broccoli and a kelp leaf were the veggies. Steamed. Kelp is gross. Gotta tell ya. Bitter. I ate it anyways, cuz it's good for me. That white unidentifiable thing? Yeah, that's called a Rice Roll. Mom suggested it when we were in the asian market. I won't be buying this again. It's entirely flavourless so you have to coat the crap out of it with soy sauce (read: sodium). It tastes... white. Those of you who have been on this journey for a while will understand what I mean by that. Just not worth it to me.

Mind you, I may have overcooked it. I'm going to try it again and see. Nothing like the ol' college try, right? Maybe I can find a less sodium filled way to flavour it. We'll see. I have another 300 grams of it. Which is about two servings.

So that's it for tonight. Not sure that I can have popcorn tonight. I don't really have it in the calorie budget, but I've been jonesing for it. I have a hard time breaking rituals. Tuesday is popcorn day END OF DISCUSSION. *sigh* I miss Biggest Loser. *sigh* I miss popcorn. *sigh* I miss family night. Anyone hear when the next season starts?

*ducks out to check NBC.com*

Gah! It just says "this fall".
Well, off I go... to... sit on my couch? Yeah! I got my new Women's Health in the mail today. Time for some reading.
Love to all!
Thanks for listening,


Monday, May 25, 2009

Crappy Eating Hangover

Ooooof. It started... well, I guess Saturday morning at Denny's. I had a breakfast burrito, but it wasn't a terrible choice. It was filled with scrambled eggs, avocado and salsa. It was delish. The only reason I say it's probably not a good choice is because I have no idea what they put in their eggs. As in how much butter. They are light, fluffy, moist and delicious. I'm thinking a couple tablespoons of butter at least. I ate half the chunky hashbrowns and then sabotaged them so I wouldn't eat more. I laughed at my husband who just stared in horror as I doused them in ketchup then pouuuured the salt on. But I knew I would pick at them until she took the plate away if I didn't.

Saturday night I indulged in Greek food. I did eat a lot, but it was all home made. So I knew that it wasn't unhealthy. I just ate a LOT. There were a lot of veggies, though. It was more the entire bottle of wine that made up the most of my caloric intake. However I did walk there and home, which was probably 20 minutes there, and about 40 minutes home. I was drunk so I'm sure there was at least twice the steps, what with the weaving and all.

Sunday started out with McDonald's. I've been craaaaaaaaving McDonald's breakfast so I chose to blow my entire day off. It was a concious choice and I enjoyed it! I had a breakfast burrito, an egg mcmuffin, and I went to StarBucks and had a Venti Skinny Hazelnut Americano Misto. Soooo good. I ate it all on my way out to the airport to pick up my mummy.

After getting her, we hit the Asian marketplace in Richmond. We found a food court FULL of Asian cuisine. Cheap and delicious!! That's the place to go! For five bucks I got a three dish combo, without rice (blowing the day does not include eating or ordering foods I don't want). I had gailan with chicken (steamed, not battered and fried), green beens with squit (steamed, not battered and fried), and honey garlic pork (ridiculously bad for you but omg so good!) with a glass of green tea. Holy crap I was full!

Off we drove to the Tsewwassen Ferry where we met up with Joanne (who is the nicest person!!). Mummy bought me new sunglasses, cuz I had dropped mine (checking my non winning lottery ticket, I might add, that I bought only cuz a bird shit on my head and I had to wash my hair in the Home Depot bathroom sink and every person that came in told me to buy a ticket but booo not only did I not win, I dropped and broke my favourite sunglasses... stupid bird), we had one scoop of gelato (banana caramel, mmmmmmmmm) and I ordered a Venti Decaf Skinny Caramel Iced Americano Misto for my drive home.

I get home and did I feel like cooking? No. However, Steve has been out in the yard doing work ALL day. So I ordered the cheap pizza's from Panago. One pepperoni, one cheese. And I proceeded to eat most of the medium pizza. I wasn't even hungry. At that point it was a "whatever" moment. I recognized and chose to shrug it off.

So suffice it to say, I woke up this morning still feeling like I ate a 12 course meal. Ooof. So a light breakfast is what I am having, just cuz I believe you must eat breakfast. A glass of milk and vitamins, and in a wine glass (cuz it's pretty) I put 1/2 cup plain ff yogurt, 2 strawberries and 1/4 cup flax pumpkin granola.

I had this picture from the other day and I can't remember if I showed it to you or not. This was the BEST lunch. An ounce of herb salad with a tablespoon of Caesar Bacon dressing, and a Crackwrap. The Crackwrap had a cup of my dinner from the other night (chicken, sketti squash, black beans, zucchini, tomatoes) and an ounce of light mozza, and a layer of spinach. Holy crap was it good!

The boy went to Playland on Saturday and had the BEST time. Here is him before he left.

Okay, I'll probably be back later. I'm spending my lunch hour at Value Village today. It's their 50% off sale, and I need summer clothes!

Thanks for listening,


Friday, May 22, 2009



I adjusted my NutriMirror back to losing mode. Dammit. 151lbs is NOT where I want to be. I'm doing something about it now, before five becomes ten, ten becomes twenty, and I'm back in a really bad place. Not happening.

I'm also getting serious about that damn eating until satisfied thing. I sat and really thought about it this morning and realized that my green monster is HUGE and makes me uncomfortably full. Yes, it is amazing nutrition. Yes, it is full of antioxidants and cancer fighting goodness. But it is making me too full! I think it's the tofu. 50 grams of tofu is a lot of protien. I think when it was just milk, yogurt and fruit 2 cups was nice, but add tofu into the mix and that two cups is feeling like three.

So half is back in the fridge, and if I need it for a snack later this morning, it's there. If not, it's breaky tomorrow (depending on it's shelf life... I'm not sure).

It's Friday, which means work work work. I work from 9-3, then 4-10. Long day. I usually can't squeeze in a workout, but I'm going to try and do something. Even if it's dancing at my desk. Although my job these days involves lots of typing, which is not condusive to dancing. But I'll do the best I can to move my butt!

I've set my weight goal for 145 by July 5th. See you back on the skinny side!

Thanks for listening,


Thursday, May 21, 2009

I had an absolutely amazing night last night! Why was it so amazing? Because I had TWO very serious offers. TWO. Luckily, I absolutely adore my husband and would never do that to him. However, I have to tell you... it's nice to be attractive!

Here's a pic of my DIL and I before heading out to the bar together. Can you guess what kind of a bar it was? LOLOL!! I tell ya, I am such a chamileon. I'm either pure rocker, or pure country, depending on the setting.

This morning was ROUGH. I crawled into bed at 3:30, and was up at 8:00. I'm pretty sure I was still a little drunk... because the hangover kicked in around 10 this morning. Booo. My tummy sloshed my green monster around, repeating it on me, telling me it was not happy with this healthy shit.

You know how you just crave grease when hung over? I wonder why that is. This was the absolute opposite of grease.

Today's Green Monster

1/2 cup milk
1/2 cup almond breeze
1 T ground flax
1 T oat bran
50 g tofu
1/4 cup ff plain yogurt
1 kiwi
3 strawberries
70 g kale

For lunch I kinda sorta caved. I made a sprouted grain tortilla wrap. In it is tofu and mozza. Then I paninied that badboy. Oh yeah. Life is good.

I will be working out today. The scale said 147 this morning, but I didn't record it. It is most likely dehydration from the alcohol. I did dance a bit last night. And I did Level 1 of the 30 Day Shred yesterday. Today will be hurtin, but I'm up for whatever Michelle throws at me. I think. Wish me luck.

Thanks for listening,



I had a lovely email from my sister, slapping me for my shoot me. She worries about me, in an eating disorder way. I won't print it out here, because anyone that doesn't know us could take it as abusive, when in absolute reality it's not. But the written word, when you don't "hear" the tone, well, I'm not prepared to throw her under the bus. Suffice it to say... she's concerned that 150 is my shoot me, and things that's a little obsessive.

My response was this:

Listen, the only reason it's my shoot me, is because, quite frankly, losing weight is hard and it sucks. And I don't want to have to do it again. So the solution? Don't PUT 20 pounds on. Anything more than five pounds and I'm back in weightloss needing territory. Don't WANNA.

Am I obsessed? With getting skinny, no. With getting fat, yes. Oh well.

I'd never hate you because of your opinion. I may hate the opinion, but never the person. S'all good.

Thanks for listening,


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Feeling Reflective

No reason. I'm not really "in a slump". I'm watching my intake, mostley. I'm excercising ferociously. But I'm up to 150 pounds still and it's bugging me. I keep having to look in the mirror to see if that fat bitch is back, because sometimes it feels like it.

You ever have a day where you swear you wake up in the morning and all the weight is back on? Maybe you had a binge the day before and your tummy is upset. Maybe you have been off the wagon for a day or two. Doesn't it feel like you have undone ALL the good you did?

I hate that feeling. On those days I look in the mirror and I don't see 60lbs gone. I see 5lbs back. My eye zooms into all the trouble spots that I can igore most days. I purposefully turn sideways to see that my stomach is not concave.

My stomach has never been concave. It never will be. Not with all the excess tummy skin I own. And I accept that. Most days. But some days? Not so much.

Now, when I feel this way, I have two choices. I can drown my sorrow in a cheeseburger, or I can plug in and excercise dvd and work it out. I choose to work it out. Why? Because I abso-fucking-lutely refuse to be fat ever again.

We all define fat differently. There was a time in my life when 200 was my shoot me. You know, the weight where you say to your best friend "if I ever hit 200lbs, shoot me"? Yeah, 200 was mine. 200!! I'm 5' freakin 2"!! 200 was a ridiculous number.

Now my shoot me is 150. And apparently I needed to be shot this morning.

It got me thinking. Why have I been waffling around the 150 mark for a couple of weeks? Why am I content with being discontent?? I got down to 144 at my lowest and was over the moon happy. But I'm struggling to get back down there... okay, that's a lie. I'm complacent about getting back down there. I can do it if I really put the effort in, but instead I'm wobbling around in "good enough". I think to myself "at least I'm not back at the beginning" and think that's okay.

It's not okay! Complacency at anything higher than a "happy weight" is a fucking lie to yourself. It's settling. It's being not worth it. It's saying "I'm not good enough to deserve this". It's a fucking joke, and I need to fucking stop it!!

I rock maintenance. Today I'm rocking it at 150. I don't WANT to rock it at 150. I want to rock it at 145 or lower. That's my reality.

Now I just need to shut the fuck up and do it.

*stares hard in the mirror*

Thanks for listening,


Busy Busy Busy!

It's a two cup o' coffee day today, lemme tell ya!

I work my one job from 9-noon. Then I have a lunch date with some of my lovely ladies. Then back here to work one of my other jobs from 1-3pm. An hour off (workout?) and I have a training conference call on another new job that I'm managing. Make dinner, eat, and get ready to go out dancing tonight for my friends sons birthday.


Thanks for listening,


Tuesday, May 19, 2009


I'm gonna eat popcorn, BL or no BL.

I just did a killer workout where I did a 44 minute CRUNCH DVD called Cardio Go-Go. So you can imagine how active it was, lol. Then I went to the track and ran around it twice (I had to go pick up my makeup bag from my friends mom so while I was out I thought "what the hell). I did another ten minutes of calisthenics, including dodging back and forth under a handrail and coming up punching. That's a tough workout!! And I did steps and back lunges from a high step.

Now I'm done and I have earned me some popcorn, yes I have!!

Side Note: I had one full tablespoon of full fat caesar with bacon salad dressing for lunch. I came in my mouth a little bit, gotta tell ya.

Thanks for listening,



I had about five inches taken off the back. It feels so light and healthy! And I can put it up in a pony still.

Forgive the lack o makeup. I forgot it at my girlfriends house and am still needing to go get it.

Thanks for listening,


I sad.

There's no Biggest Loser tonight.

Oh the sad!

Thanks for listening,


Sunday, May 17, 2009

Sports Injuries for Dummies - by Magda

Hello, and happy Sunday!

I'm sure you have seen the witty (aka: sarcastic) running commentary on this site by Magda. Magda is my sister. She lives in a land far far away, and therefore feels free to be a complete smartass with no fear of being actually smacked. I'm sure this works well for her. LOL

A while back Magda made a comment about athletic tape, and was rather aghast that I was not familiar with this apparently wonderous thing. Well, after being kinda pissy for feeling like I was missing out on cool shit that I should supposedly know, I got to thinking... how DO people know this shit? How do they figure out what to do when they are just starting out in the athletic world? You know how there is just "common knowledge" when it comes to ANY topic? Well, how does it become common knowledge?? SOMEONE must tell people this stuff.

Well, I happen to have a wonderous source of information, even if she IS a sarcastic wench. Luckily, she's one of the cutest sarcastic wenches on the planet. And she's MY sarcastic wench... so I might as well take complete and total advantage of that, right? RIGHT? Right!

So, after the athletic tape conversation, I asked Magda to be a guest blogger for me, and tell all of us about "you know, sports injuries for dummies type stuff". Yeah.... I had no idea that I was sending her into a tizzy. LOL Apparently this is a crazy huge topic with no actual beginning or ending.

But in true Magda form, she came through! She was out running (yep, she's one of THOSE) and decided on how she was going to do this thing. And what she decided was to do blurbs, which I can insert on my blog as her guest blog spot.

So without further ado, I present Magda's Words of Wisdom (gleaned from years of experience/trial & error):

Topic: Muscle Cramping

Most people who have worked out, especially if you go hard have experienced some kind of muscle spasming or cramping. It can range from odd feeling to down right crushingly painful.
There are several things that you can do about these things, which btw, are perfectly normal.

First of all, stretching before and after you do pretty much anything can not only prevent injuries and painful cramps but it actually helps you get in and stay in better shape. So you should always remember to stretch the muscles that you will be using or have used, this helps prevent the build up of lactic acid in your muscles. This will minimize general stiffness and soreness.

Another little pearl of workout wisdom that I thought of while I was running, is about bananas. Bananas you say? Yup.. Bananas. Now this falls under the category of I assume everyone knows this, but I often think everyone knows about these things and I'm frequently wrong :P. The whole banana business crossed my mind while I was running today, one of my muscles started to cramp and I though.. shit.. I need to buy some bananas when I get home. See the potassium in bananas is like magic, it stops and prevents your muscles from freaking out. The other major causes of cramping are dehydration and possibly calcium deficiency. But 9 times out of 10 a Banana does the trick.. plus they have the added bonus of being yummy.

I am giving everyone the benefit of the doubt that you all know to drink at least a liter or two of water a day (dehydration is the main cause of headaches). The whole banana thing is great for all kinds of muscle cramping, exercise related or not.

Thanks, Magda!


Saturday, May 16, 2009

For my Anal Retentive OCD Friends

I went to FaceBook this morning to find this note:


Wow! and I'll say it again . . . WOW! I've heard you mention Nutrimirror quite a few times and just thought, hey, whatever, I'll check it out sometime. Well, sometime is here and am I ever impressed! Talk about an anal retentive, organized, OCD person's dream!!! I'm spending my Friday night logging foods and nutritional content (and I'm excited!). Anyway, I love it and thanks for mentioning it.

By the way, I thought I'd been eating pretty good all week. After I put in today's food and exercise, I was OVER in my calories! Wake up call! It's easier to overeat than you think . . . well, I guess you've already figured that one out which is why you have been so successful.

Have a great long weekend!



Catch up time!

Oooo, I'm a bad blogger, huh? Jeez!

My lunch the other day was falafel, apple and carrots. Avoiding the bread products a little bit. Man, I love love LOVE falafel! I prepare mine right in the non stick fry pan, and after it sets for ten minutes, I just turn the fry pan on. No oil. Nothing. Just falafely goodness!

These are the dvds I got at Value Village (known in my world as VV Boutique). I did the Dance for Weightloss (I am horribly uncoordinated, and this solidified that like nothing else could), and the Fat Blasting Yoga. The yoga is an hour long. Wicked! The last segment includes a ball, which I was really excited to see. I use my ball for a computer chair, and have never been instructed on how to use it for excercise. It only tried to kill me a couple of times, so all was good.

I bought new cups to hold my Green Monsters. I only had the one set of mugs that was big enough, but I wasn't feelin them. I know, I'm a loser. LOL

Lunch yesterday was YUM! California roll and Dynomite roll. OMG, I love sushi!

Then I noticed on the front of the takeout menu that they have multigrain sushi?? I'm willing to pay extra for that! I was impressed that this whole platter was only $6.95. I was NOT impressed that they put in two sets of chopsticks. You mean that's two servings? Damn. There I go with portion distortion again. Whatevs, I ate it ALL.

Dinner was A&W. I'm disappointed in myself, though. Not for having A&W. I wanted it! But because it wasn't great and I ate it anyways.

Ah well.

I asked the hubby what he wants to do today, trying to motivate him to get off his ass and let's do something spontaneous. He informed me he has to mow the lawn. He's still on the couch. I don't see a Stanley Park seawall walk in my near future. LOL

Thanks for listening,


Thursday, May 14, 2009

I love...

I love that my caloric intake is so flexible that I can trade a bowl of yogurt and a Praeventia bar snack for a giant cholocate chunk cookie and a Grande Skinny Caramel Americano Misto... and STILL be within my budget.


Edit: I also love going to Value Village and discovering their DVD section and finding THREE workout dvd's for $3 each.

Double Nice!!

Thanks for listening,


Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Feeling burgery today apparently

Bit of a drive by posting today... don't have much to report! Muscles are still sore. Planning on another workout with Michelle tonight. Had a GM for breakfast, so you can scroll back to see a pic of the exact same breaky I've had every day this week, lol.

Lunch was an M&M Veggie burger on a half bagel, smothered in melted light mozza, with carrots.

Dinner was buffalo salsbury steak with fries, and fat free cheesy gravy. I forgot to take a pic of my snack, which was yogurt with (suprise suprise) almonds and chocolate chips in it.

That's all I got!

Thanks for listening,



That was my reaction to the winner last night.

My husband's response? He asked me what the lesson to be learned here is. He says "sometimes it pays to sacrifice your children".

I hit him.

Thanks for listening,


Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Pssst... Guess What Day It Is....

Biggest Loser Finale / Popcorn Day!!!

Could I be more stoked? I think NOT!!

Today's food all revolves around balancing for popcorn indulgence tonight.

Breakfast was a repeat of yesterday's Strawberry Kiwi Green Monster, but I added a tablespoon of oat bran to it. Pumpin up the nutrients!

I enjoyed my oatmeal for lunch yesterday so much that I chose to repeat it today!

And there is something about the flavour combo of craisins, chocolate and almonds... for snack I was craving it again, so I put it on top of PB2 on a 1/2 bagel! Woot!!

Dinner is an orgy of salad with a side of rare beef. YUM! My salad is baby greens, romano cheese, black and green olives and a smattering of Mediterranian Vinigrette. Damn, I can't spell. Meh, too lazy to transfer it to Word and spellcheck it.

Okay, so who's watching it tonight? You? I am ! I totally know Tara is going to win, but still... I almost want Mikey to scoop it from her. Although I'd hate to give Ron the satisfaction.

Who can't you wait to see? For me it's Danny and Kristen. I hope they have been able to really work it. Danny was my first pick to go all the way. I cried when he was voted off. Stupid David.

If Helen wins... half the world will be mad! Most of us don't think she deserves it after sacrificing her daughter.

Either way, it should be interesting. I'm so looking forward to it. The only kinda bummer is that Logan is sick with the flu and may not be joining us for family night. It would be sad to watch it without him.
Thanks for listening,


Monday, May 11, 2009

Go Me!!

I just went to Safeway, looking for something for Steve for dessert for his birthday tonight. I was thinking something decadent and light, like a strawberry shortcakey thing, or a fruit filled croissant with whip cream or something. Alas, the bakery sucked. But I did not want something big, or I'd end up bingeing on it! I know me. *smart*

So I ended up getting this tiny little cake. It's a chocolate mousse thingy, and it's maybe four bites. I'll stick a candle in it, and sing to him. *giggle*

But the "go me" part is that I started wandering around justifying in my head, "since I'm not eating cake, I can have something ELSE". I wandered by the cookies. Mmmm, oatmeal raisin. Meh, the last couple of times I got them here they weren't a 10. Okay, stuffed muffins... oh, look, a carrot cake muffin filled with creamcheese frosting! Jeez, how many calories would that be, dumdum. Walk away.

I wandered two circuits of the bakery and then headed over to the deli section. I grabbed the smallest packet of imitation crab and stormed to the checkout. I indulged in that whole packet of crabby goodness in the car, on the way home, mentally patting myself on the back the entire way. I'm so proud of me! That's my afternoon snack, and it's not atrocious!! And, I didn't eat a gizillion pounds of it! And I stopped myself from bakery insanity! And I didn't indulge in binge behaviour! Go me!!

Thanks for listening,



I can't find my stupid camera. Well... not that I've looked reeeally hard for it. I'm kinda feeling shitty today, so am saving what energy I have for my workout tonight.

I had a fruity Green Monster for breakfast today. I'm not sure if it kept me full till lunch cuz it always will, or cuz I'm not feeling very on today.

It had:

1/2 cup each almond breeze, skim milk & ff plain yogurt
1 T ground flax
100 grams each of kiwi & strawberries
50 grams of spinach

Super duper healthy, huh?

For lunch I was feeling kinda comfort foody. So I made my porridge... LOL. Nothing like a tummy full of warm chocolatey, almondy oatmeal.

But I've only eaten 499 calories for the day so far. Usually I'm up another 3-4 hundred by this time. Ah well... it's not like I'm going to starve to death. Not after one day.

Dinner tonight is a nice chicken breast on a weed salad. Light and easy to digest. Maybe I'll have some garlic toast on the side. Not sure yet.

I'm still in heaven over the day I had yesterday. Cheering on the team with my boys, running with Logan, through the woods, enjoying Doug's cooking, Tim Horton's treats.... it was such a good day! I am definately planning a repeat of each part of it. I so adore my children.

When I thanked them for their great day, and told them how much I appreciated their effort, and how much I loved them, the response was "the temper tantrum helped"... LOL!!

Thanks for listening,


Sunday, May 10, 2009

Did Someone Say Green Monster??

I keep reading about these Green Monsters (I do believe the name originated with Oh She Glows, and is not referenceing the energy drink of the same name, which my son thought I was giving him and got all excited about for a moment), and I'm seeing more and more of my bloggie friends trying them and liking them. So I decided I was definately missing out.

Off I went to Costco, yesterday and purchased me a supersized bag of spinach. As I'm wandering through the store I'm thinking "little do these people know, I'm going to DRINK this spinach". Yep, I'm weird. I get a kick out of shit like that. Tee hee.

So here it is!

In there is:

50 grams spinach
1/4 cup plain fat free yogurt
1/2 cup light almond breeze
1/2 cup skim milk
2 T PB2 w/ chocolate
1/2 banana
1 T ground flax

That there makes 2 cups of deliciousness for 255 Calories, with 7 grams of fibre and 17 grams of protien. The fat is high, at 17 grams, but I know it's good fat, because of the flax. TONS of Omega 3's in there, which our body does not produce, so we need to get from our foods.

Even the boy liked it! After the disappointment, of course, of it NOT being the giant energy drink he thought I was offering him. And considering how much I detest him drinking those things, you can imagine his confusion. LOL

It's Mother's Day today, and I'm so excited!!! My boys have my whole day planned. Logan is buying me a coffee, from anywhere I want (Starbucks, baby!!). Doug is picking us up at 12:30 and we are going to watch his friends play their baseball game, then we are going for a walk in Cliff park, then going and watching another baseball game. Then we come back here to BBQ Maui ribs and enjoy! A whole day of being outdoors and sporty! I'm so stoked!!

I'm going to pack a picknick lunch of good nutritios stuff to snack on all day. I'm going to get lots of excercise. I'm going to cheer my lungs out. I'm so excited!!

Wishing all of the mummy's out there a wonderful day. And to those of us who have lost a mummy along the way, my heart is with you today, too.

Thanks for listening,


Friday, May 8, 2009

A Great (and eye opening) Start to my Focus

Here is the lunch I made myself. It's a little smaller than I would probably normally make. Yesterday I probably would have had twice as many carrots, or maybe a half an apple on the plate. Today I decided on a roast beast sammich and carrots. Looks good, huh?

Actually listening to my hunger level, this is what I left on my plate. This freaks me out. This was the eye opening part. I sit here typing this, and I am maybe one carrot over the comfortable line. I could have stopped two carrots ago, comfortably.

But here's the thing.... I go into the kitchen to wrap this up, knowing that if I don't deal with it immediately, I will pick at it until it's gone, and what do I automatically do? Reach to eat those carrots. There's only two. It's silly to wrap them. I ACTUALLY thought that as I reached for them. Then I pulled my hand back and out loud said "NO" to myself. Then I chuckled, and reached for the saran wrap.

And here is my afternoon snack, all ready for me. This was harder than I thought it was going to be. And I realize how easily I can slip back into my old habits without even trying.

It just goes to show how vigilant we must be, especially when we've made it to goal. The fight isn't over. Not until we are dead. For the rest of my life I will have these moments. I'm sure I'll slip again, and I'm sure I'll pick myself up and revisit the tools that work for me. That is life.

And I'm living it, baby.

Thanks for listening,



Okay, I've been hovering between 148 and 150 for the last week, and I've just about had enough.

Time to get my head out of the sand before I pull a Kirstie. I know what the issues are. In fact there are three of them:

1). I don't get my allotment of freggies in each day.
2) Too many bread products, even if I am within my caloric budget.
3) Not listening to hunger / satisfied body signals even if I am within my caloric budget.

There's the crux. I stay within my caloric budget, and I shoot for green, but I am seriously FULL. I eat what's on my plate instead of stopping when I'm satisfied.

So I'm going to commit to ONE thing today that I will focus on for the next week. When I have that back under control, I will choose another focus. My ONE thing this week is this: No matter what is on my plate, I will stop eating when I am satisfied.

That's it. I will wrap it up. And if I'm hungry in an hour, I'll unwrap it, nuke it, and eat it. I don't care if it's one bite or half a plate, I'm NOT going to finish when my stomach is telling me I'm satisfied. I've had too many moments of "oof, I should have stopped earlier and now I feel bloated" lately, and I'm not liking it. If I eat under my calories, is it going to kill me? NO. In fact, maybe, JUST maybe, it'll get me down around the 145 mark or lower, which is where I really want to be.

The freggies I've been putting back in all week. So I feel like I already started on that one. And yes, I'll cut back on the bread products... but I really feel the need for this focus.

I keep thinking of Oprah saying to Kristie, "You give yourself leeway for five pounds and twentyfive pounds later you're saying what the hell happened".


Anyone care to join me?

Thanks for listening,


Thursday, May 7, 2009

Ten Years and I still Swoon

Today is the ten year anniversary of my wedding. Ten years!! And I love him more today than I did then. We have an amazing relationship. If I were asked the secret to our happiness, I'd have to say it's that we are nice to each other every day. I think sometimes people forget how to do that. It's easy to be snarky and let our guard down in our home. But that is where we work the hardest to stay happy. And it works well for us.

I didn't post last night about my eats so I'll just throw the pics all up here now. I didn't get a pic of dinner because I had prepped a roast, surrounded it with veggies, preheated the oven, then forgot to put it in. By the time I realized it, it was too late. I went and got Papa Murphy's instead. And what a great choice! I ordered the Gourmet Chicken Bacon Artichoke deLite and it was sooo good! You'll see a pic of it for today's lunch. And because it's so paper thin, you can eat lots of pieces of it.

Okay, I'm sure you are sick of seeing this damn muffin, but I did have another one yesterday and forgot to snap a pic. The good news is that we are out of them... except the bags of them in the freezer, but they won't be coming out for another week.

Yesterday's breaky. Same ol' same ol'. I say that, but truth be told, so not sick of it.

Lunch was spectacular yesterday. Did you know that you don't need oil to make falafel? Traditionally it's pretty much deep fried. But you can bake it. Or, like I did, I prepped it in a nonstick fry pan and just fried it dry. I served it chopped on top of a salad, with apple and avocado and a tablespoon of Mediterranian olive oil dressing.

This mornings oatmeal I tried using coffee instead of water. Just to see if it made a difference. Nope. Maybe if I made it double strength so you could really taste the coffee. I dont' think I have any instant coffee to do that, though. The kid keeps commandeering it. Rotter.

Leftover lunch! This is that pizza I was talking about. They use creamy garlic sauce, bacon, artichoke, chicken, spinach and a smattering of cheese. These three slices were 290 calories! Crazy, huh? I went on the website and got the NI and then weighed it twice to be sure. Sweet! And in my ongoing quest for bowel happiness, I added apple and carrots to my plate.

I feel bad for Steve. I told him last night that my present for him wasn't going to be ready until Saturday. He didn't get me anything. Now he feels bad. He said "all I got for you is my love", to which I responded, "it's all I ever asked for". I love him so much!

But secretly? Between you and me? It's our tenth anniversary. A token something would have been nice. I know he's broke because he's paying off my credit card debt. I know he's tweaking as he watches his own rise up because of it. But a little keepsake something would have been nice. Now he probably will bring me home flowers because he feels guilty. And I'd rather he didn't, to be honest. They will just die.

Mine didn't cost a lot. Under $40. I got him a travel mug, and am having it engraved with a picture of me blowing him a kiss.

I'm such a selfish bitch, aren't I...

Thanks for listening,


Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Things I'm Totally Going To Hell For Laughing At

Thanks for listening,


Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Photo Criteria

I used to look for pics that made me look skinny. (HA!)

Now I look for pictures that make me look young.

How sad is that?

Is one ever happy with just who they are?

Thanks for listening,


Tuesday Eats

As per usual, my food is determined this Tuesday by my caloric budget around popcorn. :)

Breakfast was the usual. Porridge with craisins, choco chips, almonds & a side of milk and vitamins.

Lunch was leftover burger, guac on the bun. Sides were apple and carrots. I'm determined to up my natural fibre intake today.

Snack was a half an Amish muffin. Only cuz Logan eyeballed me like I was Satan when I took the last one. I was kind, and shared it.

Dinner has no starch/carb. That will be the popcorn later! Broccoli and an M&M pepper steak. Those are sooo tasty, but ridiculously high in sodium.

For a workout today I ran up to the local track and ran around it for a while, then ran to my neice's school to pick her up and walked her home. All together that was an hour of running and a half hour of walking. It'll do!

Thanks for listening,


Le Sigh

Nothing like a passport photo to make you feel your age... and then some.

The lady actually did say that it's one of the best passport photos she's seen in a long time. I'd hate to see what the others looked like. Because if that is a good representation of me, then damn I'm old.

I hate when life slaps you with a "who do you think your kidding" moment.

It actually made me cry when I saw the picture. I can't even bear to look at it.

Thanks for listening,



The scale said 152 this morning.

It's cuz I'm constipated to the point of pain, sweating, and atrocious gas.

Thank god I work alone in my home. I am not fit for human company.

I see vegetables and water in my future.

Thanks for listening,


Monday, May 4, 2009

Wagon Ho!

Monday, lovely Monday! Back to routine. Back to healthy choices. Back to working out. Back to balancing out my week. Ahhh, I love Monday!

I started my morning with oatmeal (which my sister informed me that she is now addicted to, lol). 1/3 cup each of water, porridge and almond breeze. One tablespoon each of craisins, chocolate chips & almonds. Milk and vitamins. Perfect breakfast.

Mid morning I was feeling snacky, so I had me an Amish Muffin. I baked these bad boys, and now I kinda wish I didn't have them around. They are about 400 calories each. Youch! The muffin itself is not sooo bad. I used whole wheat flour and applesauce instead of oil. But the package of dark chocolate chips and the package of Reese peanut butter chips... yeah, they raise the calorie quotient by quite a bit. :)

Lunch was an old friend... M&M's veggie burger. I totally ♥ these things! On WW they were only two points, and are the best tasting veggie burgers I tried. And I tried a LOT of veggie burgers. I had forgotten about them for a while so went back and bought a box yesterday. The nutrition is not tooooo bad. The ingredients are not great. But it's a treat, and I'm going to enjoy them while I have them.

I made a side salad with a salsa/yogurt dressing and a bit of Romano cheese. Yum!

Holy Burger Madness! Dinner is Italian burger, made with a mix of extra lean ground beef and Hot Italian Sausage meat. Served on a whole wheat Burger First bun, and with a side salad of baby greens, spinach and apple. Deelish.

For a workout today I popped in 8 Mile and did a circuit training session while watching it. An hour and a half later... and my muscles are officially fatigued.

You know on BL when they balance on the ball? Sione was shown one day, balancing with one leg and the opposite arm extended. They showed the puddle of sweat under where his forhead was positioned. Yeah, I tried that. I could extend a leg. I could extend an arm. There was no extending both. And yes, I sweated. That is some crazy shit. I am interested to see what hurts tomorrow. LOL

Thanks for listening,


Oprah, Kirstie and my thoughts...

I finally got to watch Thursday's Oprah. Did you watch it? If you are still waiting to, then don't read any further.





Okay, still with me? What did you think?

I find it fascinating to listen to people who have not only lost weight, but have gained it back. You see, I don't want to just know what works. I'm also researching what DOESN't work.

For example, taking all your excercise equipment out and making that room into a dining room. This, apparently, is not a good idea... lol. But wait. Let's look deeper at this. Here's my thought. There was one thing she said. She "missed" dinner parties. Why is that? If she had been on a sustainable lifestyle journey, she could have incorporated dinner parties. She could have found the tools to work around dinner parties. But she didn't. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it strikes me that she was on such a mission to lose the weight that she lost track of her life.

I will not do this. I will have dinner parties. And then I will balance them out with killer workouts and lower calorie balance meals during that day. I will enjoy my life, mostly in moderation, and always in balance. This will help me to maintain my weightloss. Thanks, Kirstie!

Another thing that Kirstie said was that she didn't WANT their to be consequences so she just *waves hand in the air*. Implying that she just ignored them. Like if you don't think about them, they go away. Again, this did not work for her.

I will not do this. I will have to make a concious choice every time I put somthing in my mouth for the rest of my life. That is my reality if I want to maintain. I need to understand, embrace and plan for the consequences. Luckily, I am fully prepared to do this.

I loved that Kirstie recognizes her own justification. She started talking about how she's ten years older than Valerie Bertanelli, then interrupts herself with "here I go with the justification". We all do this. In my opinion, justifying is fine. But it's not a reason to stop doing things, or stop being accountable. Sure I'm ten years older than others on a similar journey. So fucking what? I still got here. And I still work hard to stay here. I can justify till the cows come home. It doesn't change reality.

I howled when Oprah said "It's not about comparing to someone elses body, it's about what your body can do". Kirstie's response? "That's what people say when they are fat." Now this was a tough one for me. Because I have struggled with this myself. Hard. But I'm learning to accept my body, accept who I am, and realize that I am living up to my own potential. It's never going to be what the magazines show. It's never going to be up to Hollywood standards. That is MY reality. So no. I don't necessarily agree with Kirstie on that statement.

When she was asked if the bikini has to be her goal, she waffled for a moment then went right back to YES, for her it does. Everyone has their own goals, and we cannot judge what that is for that person. But I tell ya... I'm concerned for this girl.

She has lost 20 pounds in 5 weeks. She talks about having "found the formula". And she seems to be under the impression that she can be "ripped" by November. November? That's only seven months away. And she has at least seventy pounds to lose. That's a pretty aggressive goal. She did change it to February, but that was only because Oprah wouldn't let her give herself such a perceivably unattainable goal. Oprah did not want to be held responsible, I'm sure, if something went horribly wrong. She is all about the healthy natural weight loss. I think she's just as freaked out as I am with Kirstie's plan.

I love love love when Oprah said that she isn't setting a goal. She just wants to be healthy and sustainable. That there is Shero talk.

On one last note... I really felt for Kirstie when she told the story about the little boy yelling "Hi, Jenny!" to her. He thought she was Jenny Craig. It made her realize that she has lost a part of who she is. She is an actress. But these days she's best known for her weight, be it up or down. Makes me glad, SO glad, that I am not in Hollywood afterall.

Thanks for listening,


Saturday, May 2, 2009

Low Fat Cake Mix Cookies

(stolen from Recipezaar)


1 (18 1/4 ounce) box cake mix, any flavor
1/2 cup egg substitute (equivalent to 2 eggs)
1/2 cup unsweetened applesauce

1 Mix all ingredients well using an electric mixer.
2 Drop by tablespoonfuls onto lightly greased cookie sheet (I use a medium Pampered Chef scoop and get about 28 cookies).
3 Bake at 350 degrees for 8-10 minutes.
4 Allow to cool slightly on cookie sheet and then transfer to a cooling rack.

I'm so making these for Logan's lunches. Cheap, easy, and makes me look good!

Ugh and Rant (in that order)

I didn't do so bad on the food yesterday, but it was very high in sodium, which I'm now paying for. I'll post pics later, although I didn't get one of the Wor Wonton and the McDonald's ice cream cone I had (NSV: I almost said filet 'o' fish with that ice cream, but didn't).

So I get home from work and Steve and I are chatting and he says to me, "oh, there was a co-inky-dink today... rememember when we were laughing in Costco and I was saying buy HydroxyCut? Well, today on the news they are recalling it because it's causing some sort of serious liver damage".


When are people going to fucking learn??? Did PhenPhen not teach ANYONE ANYTHING????


You would not believe how badly this pissed me off. I went on a huge rant (and if you fall into one of these categories, this WILL offend you. You've been warned).

Rant Start:

I don't know who is fucking stupider. The pharmaceutical companies that put this shit out, not knowing what the long term effects will be, if there will be any, or the stupid fucking people looking for a shortcut. How in the HELL do you justify taking something that will make you LOOK healthy (IF it works, which is always debatable) if there are no conclusive tests to it's safety and could KILL YOU IN THE LONG RUN. For Fucks Sake, people!! Phen Phen killed people. They recalled it because of the heart issues. Hello? Does anyone in the medical community remember this? Anyone? I don't expect the generations after to know necessarily about it, but you would think that SOMEONE would make a regulation rule or something about long term results in humans.

And those damn companyies kill me. They know that there are people out there who refuse to take responsibility for their personal choices (yes, they can be hard, but I'm ranting right now and ranting is not always politically correct) and are constantly looking for the magic pill, or the magic elixer, or the magic formula that will magically melt away all their fat and reveal the inner Jillian Michaels/Arnold Schwartzenegger. NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. People, really. Come on. If such a thing existed, there would BE no overweight people on Earth. We would have the obesity epidemic under control. Don't you think?

Okay, the medical community actually thought PhenPhen was it. They were prescribing it by the handful. I personally know someone that was taking it. And guess what? She is still close to 300 pounds. Why? Because she chooses foods based on her emotional needs, that's why. It's her choice, and I absolutely love her, but it breaks my heart. Because I know that if there was a magic pill that could help her to control her decision making process, and NOT give her liver failure or heart problems, she'd be all over it.

But it's not going to happen!! And if it is, they need to do 30-50 years of testing on humans to know the actual long term effects. It's called LONG term.

I work goddamn hard for my size (to be smaller). Really fucking hard, emotionally and physically. I refuse to even visit the idea of putting something like HydroxyCut into my body. I don't know what it's going to do. I don't know how my body will react. Hell, even with natural products I'm extremely leary. The natives used them for medicinal purposes... successfully. That tells me that they do affect me. I need to know HOW before contemplating taking something. I research the shit out of it. But at least with herbs I know that they have been around for... oh, I dunno, a bizmillion years? There is at least two hundred years of history to find on the results they have had when consumed by humans, if you look hard enough and research long enough.

When are people going to hold pharmaceutical companies responsible? How many people have to die/develop life threatening ailments before we say "enough is enough". And the fact that it's people who are so desperate for help that they take these products... how sad is that?? People that need the RIGHT help. Someone to personally coach them, mentor them, educate them, and maybe train them. Not many people can afford that. We aren't all movie stars. But we can afford $30 for a bottle of miracle pills. Just in case. This might be the one. It might work. It might save my life. It might... it just might. That's worth it.


It makes me weep. I want to save the world. I want to... but I can't.

Thanks for listening,