If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Saturday, February 28, 2009

Woot Woot Woot!!!

I bought a food scale! *happy happy happy dance*

I've been using a stupid cheap one forever, and I use it all day every day. So I decided to go around and price digital scales where you can zero out. Well, the ones I was looking at were $50-70, and I wasn't gonna pay THAT much!!

Then I went to SuperStore, and they have one there that's digital, holds up to 5lbs, you can zero out, AND it has nutritional values already prerecorded AND... $29.99!!! WOOT!!!

Seriously excited. I'm such a geek.

On another note, I'm going to start taking pics of my food. I keep reading this articles that say that people that blog their food in pics actually have better results of staying OP. This would be all good and fine, except I ate lunch out today, and totally forgot my camera. Damn and blast!

So tomorrow I'll post today's eats. Which means I'll always be a day behind. Boo. Or I'll blog them at night, if I get a chance... meaning the hubby isn't yelling at me to "get off the damn computer". hee hee

I'm pretty excited about it, actually. I love food, and with my new plates, I find it visually stimulating. (the plates are plastic, but they are smaller than my dinner plates, they are blue, and they are NOT round... so they will do me until I can find the dish set of my heart)

Okay, Steve wants to walk the dogs, so off I go. I have a couch date tonight, of movie and popcorn with Crystal. Super excited! We're watching the Madagascar Penguins. I love us!!

Thanks for listening,

This is an amazing post.

OMG, this is great!!!


I love when I find articles that support my journey!

Thanks for listening,


Note to self:

At this stage of the game, you cannot rely on measurements as an NSV.

The scale is moving AGONIZINGLY slow. So I decided to do measurements. Only here's the thing... I work out. And at this size, muscle mass shows, apparently. My bicep has gone up 1/2 an inch to 12, and my hips have gone up 3/4 of an inch. I guess those butt excercises are working! You know the ones, clench to HAVE an ass. *shakes fist at non-ass genetics*

Here's where I'm sitting right now:

March 9/07 Feb 28/09 Inches Lost
Chest 45.25 39 6.25
Arm 14.5 12 2.5
Neck 15.25 13.5 1.75
Waist 43.5 31 12.5
Hips 47.75 39 8.75
Thigh 25.5 23.25 2.25

Total Inches 191.75 157.75

Total Inches Lost 34

Not quite the ideal of 36-24-36, but a DAMN site better than 45-43-47!! Now I'm 39-31-39. Hmmm, I wonder where the 36-24-36 came from as the ideal? It's not Barbie. No way were her hips that big!

Thanks for listening,


Friday, February 27, 2009

I forgot to tell you!

I get to show off tonight!

I work on Friday nights delivering chinese food. There is a regular patron there that we sit and chat with. Well, I'm always talking about my lifestyle and she's always telling me I don't have to worry about those things. She just can't wrap her head around the fact that I was once big. So I promised her I'd bring in pics.

I'm taking the ones on the side. The burger pic (shudder), the one of me with my grandson, and a couple of others.

I'm so excited!!

Thanks for listening,


Friday Again? Thank Goodness!!

Not that I actually like Friday. I work from early in the morning until 10pm, so it's a long day. But it means WI tomorrow, and two days off, so WOOT! Yay, Friday!!

I was a good girl and booked a doctors appointment for next week. I have a whole list to talk to him about. I haven't been in since before I started my journey, so a pap is in order. Plus, I just turned 40, so it's mammogram time (sigh). I want to get all my bloodwork redone so I can see the difference 60+ pounds makes. I also want to talk to him about peri-menopause, and if I should be watching for anything. And let him know what vitamins I am taking, and get his opinion on more or less. Oh, and I have a spot of cells on my nose that have turned funny and started hurting. That's what actually got me to make the appointment. Hopefully it's just excema... but it does look funny. And right on the end of my nose, too. Yeesh!

My day is planned (are you suprised??):

Br: 1/3 cup porridge, 1/3 cup almond breeze, 2/3 cup pineapple, 1 tblsp PB2 and almonds, 1 tsp dark chocolate chips, 1/8 cup egg white, milk & vitamins (393 calories)

Lu: 1 leftover italian meatloaf, .25 cups whole wheat couscous, 1/2 cup cooked cabbage, 2 tablespoons salsa, 1 tsp soy sauce (319 calories)

Sn: 1 cup pineapple, 1/4 cup yogurt, 1/4 cup flax granola, 1 tblsp walnuts (243 calories)

Dn: turkey sub on brown, no mayo, mustard & veggies (subway) (280 calories)

That's a total of 1236 for the day. WI is tomorrow, so no excercise today. Giving my body a chance to recover from four days of wicked workouts. At least an hour and a half each day.

Have a good Friday, everyone! Don't do anything I wouldn't do... although, that doesn't leave much.

Thanks for listening,


Thursday, February 26, 2009

Extracts... ??

I'm sitting here drinking my lovely hot water with peppermint extract in it, when I started thinking about my other flavours. I drink hot water all day, to stay hydrated. The only time I really drink cold water lately is to chug after working out. I keep a little hotplate on my desk and constantly refill my mug throughout the day.

I have banana, coconut, almond, cinnamon, and of course, vanilla extracts. Huh. I could use any of them in my hot water for a boost of flavour, adding NO calories, and NO sweetener!!

Do you use extracts? I use them in my yoghurt, in my smoothies, in my oatmeal, in my couscous... pretty much anywhere I can think of. I like to have a buffet of flavours. Tomorrow, I just may have banana water!

Share your ideas!



I have got to get my yoga dvd back from Michelle's. Definately therapy vs workout for me. My muscles are so freaking tight this morning.

Last night we did Bob's bootcamp. Did I say that already in a previous post? Ah well, whatevs. This is my second time doing it. The first time I used 3lb weights, since I didn't know what I was going to be in for. Better to err on the side of caution, in my world. I avoid injuries like the plague.

That first time, it was a great workout. But I wanted more. So last night I did it with 5lb weights. There was only one part where I gave up on what he was doing and did my own thing. My shoulders just couldn't do it.

So overall a fanTAStic hard workout. It's 55 minutes long, so pretty brutal. But next time, I will come home and spend another 10 minutes stretching. I woke up this morning, and my lower back and hamstrings were so tight. I layed in bed, stretching for five minutes before even getting up. It helped. But man I wish I had my yoga DVD. That would fix me right up.

I've planned my menu for the day! I cut up a fresh pineapple this morning. There is nothing like fresh pineapple. It's probably my favourite fruit. Plus it reminds me of when I was 11 and we went to Hawaii... my dad went out every morning to a pineapple farm and brought us back fresh picked pineapple for breakfast. It is a fantastic memory that I hang on to. So fresh pineapple is special to me. Which is good, because a whole pineapple is a lot of fruit!

Here's today's plan:

Br: 1/3 cup oatmeal, 1/3 cup almond breeze, 1/4 cup prunes, 1/2 cup pineapple, splash of vanilla, milk & vitamins (422 calories)

Lu: leftover Italian buffalo meatloaf mashed into a 1/2 cup steamed cabbage and 1/2 cup whole wheat couscous with 2 tablespoons salsa (330 calories)

Sn: 1/2 cup pineapple, 1/2 cup plain fat free yogurt, 1/4 cup flax granola (192 calories)

Dn: 4 oz pork loin, 1 cup cauliflower, 3 mushrooms, 1/2 cup couscous (393 calories)

That's 1338 for the day. But I haven't tracked the workouts I'm going to do. Mainly cuz I'm not sure yet what they will be. I'd like to say running, but I hate running on the treadmill and there's freakin snow on the ground. Plus, with as tight as my muscles are... not sure that's a good idea. Maybe I'll do a brisk treadmill walk. Plus my walk to pick up my niece, plus my workout with Michelle tonight. Either way, I'll have some calories to play with.

Last night, to end the evening after my workout, I ate a banana and a glass of milk. I was short close to 300 calories, so I used those to make up some of the difference. I wasn't "hungry hungry" so I left it at that.

Thanks for listening,


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Wednesday Thoughts

Over on Escape from Obesity, she suffered a binge last night. And she blogged while in the grips of it. Very powerful stuff. This morning, she blogged about how she faced herself in the mirror and took a good long look at herself and said "you don't look any fatter than you did this morning" (or something like that).

This totally gobsmacked me.

When I have binged, whether on purpose or in the grips of insanity, I suffer the same mental game. I avoid looking in the mirror, because I don't want to see my stomach distended, bloated from my sins. In my mind, I look like I did back two years ago. I can't face myself in the mirror, until I've had a couple of days of eating clean, because I cannot bear to see myself looking like that again. I hide from my shame until I have done something about it.

She looked at herself and faced her reality. And it wasn't so bad. She was NOT huge again.

Which is a mind fuck to me. Which is healthier for me? Hiding out from myself until I'm back in control and can see my progress? Or facing myself and really looking and seeing that it doesn't do the damage I think it does. What scares me is that without that fear, will I do it more often? Will I shrug and think, it's okay, I'm no fatter than I was this morning? Will it create a level of compacency that I fight every day? Is it better to have this irrational fear, and just work like mad to wear off the insanity binge?

Makes one wonder, doesn't it?

Well, the good news is, PMS is gone for another month. I can feel the chocolate releasing its grip on me. This is my third OP day. I'm in a competition with other ladies on the WW site, to see who can stay OP the longest.

Today is a good day.

Here is my fuel de jeur:

Br: PB & B Oatmeal again (see all week's oatmeal), milk & vitamins (404 calories)

Lu: celery stick w/ guacamole & leftover chicken stirfry (180 calories)

Sn: asian pear & pb2 (104 calories)

Dn: Italian meatloaf, small fries, salad w/ guac (472 calories)

That's a total of 1161 calories for the day. I haven't entered my excercise for the day, so haven't allotted for those calories, which I will probably be eating. At least another 200. Depending on if I'm hungry or not. I have a pretty good day of eats with lots of protein to keep me full.

I've adjusted my daily percentage of fats. Having excema, I need more oils in my system. I take two capsules of fish oil a day, and try and get nuts or avocado in every day, too, or olive oil. But I need more. I was always going over in my fats on NutriMirror. So I've adjusted it so that my breakdown is like this:

Carbs - 45%
Protein - 20%
Fats - 35%

We'll see how that goes. I'm a meatavor, so I may raise my protein and lower my carb.

My actuals today say:

Carbs - 38%
Protein - 21%
Fat - 41%

But considering my menu, with the Italian meatloaf, two salmon oil pills, two servings of guacamole... not suprised. I'm also not willing to give any of it up.

Workouts today? Well, I will be doing Bob's Boot Camp tonight, which is a great heavy workout. And I'll do something at noon. Not sure what. Maybe the Denise Austin Dance routine. Or maybe I'll pull out a belly dancing and do that. Yeah, that's what I'll do!

Have a super OP day,


Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Time Killing Update

I'm waiting for Biggest Loser to start, so I thought I'd pop on here and update.

I've had an awesome day, food and excercise-wise!

You would have laughed at my run today. I decided to do it on the treadmill. But I got halfway and couldn't take it anymore. I ran right off the treadmill, out the back door, and around the block! LOL

Then, tonight, I had a great workout to an old Denise Austin tape (yep, tape. That's how old it was) 40 minutes of aerobics makes a happy Dee!

Now, to make popcorn! *squeeal*

Thanks for listening,


It's Tuesday!

Popcorn Popcorn Popcorn Popcorn!!!

Tonight I think it's just going to be butter and salt. Last week was my pms popcorn, but I'm not needing it this week.

Working out today, I'm planning on a treadmill run at lunch, and a buddy workout at 7pm. Then it's a date with my ass, my couch, my popcorn, and Biggest Loser. I so love Tuesdays!

Here's my menu today, planned around the copious amounts of popcorn while still remaining in the green with NutriMirror (damn, I'm good):

Br: 1/3 cup oatmeal and almond breeze, 1/2 banana, 1 tablespoon each of dark chocolate chips, toasted almonds and PB2 & milk and vitamins (404 calories)

Lu: 1/4 cup egg white, fried in non stick pan topped with a tablespoon shredded romano, with a side salad of 2oz baby greens, 1/4 cup craisins, and a tablespoon each of blue cheese and walnuts. (158 calories)

Sn: 1 cup cauliflower (25 calories)

Dn: Chicken breast stirfry (144 calories)

Sn: POPCORN!!! (570 calories)

That's 1301 calories for the day. I'd like to know where the hell my options for colouring my posts went!!! S'gone!!

Phew, and my day just got busier! I'm working 9-12 on one job, running at lunch, then 1-2pm is on another job, then I go pick up my niece. Home by 3, grab a snack, jump in the shower and go for a hair cut/gossip session at 4. Home, make dinner, eat in front of the computer while doing job #3. Workout appt at 7. Home, make popcorn and be plunked in front of the tv at 8:30. Talk about scheduled!!

Thanks for listening,


Monday, February 23, 2009

I alone... :(


Well, not really... I'm just feeling pissy because it's 7:40, and I just finished work for the day.

I had phoned Michelle to ask her to move our workout from 7 to 8. She said yes, so I dove into my work, scrambling to get it down, while wolfing down my dinner so it can settle before I start jumping around. She phones me back... it's her Friday, so she's dead dog tired, and there is no way she is going to last to 8pm and have energy to work out, so can she jam on me?

Sigh. Of course she can. It's my fault for putting it off an hour. How much of a bitch would I be to say no! I sent my kid over to pick up my weights, and I'll do my own circuit training for 1/2 hour or so. I need to work out bad. I'm feeling very anxious and need to work off nervous energy. Or cry. But working out is more productive.

Thanks for listening,


Ahhh, Monday!

Don't you love a fresh start? Monday always brings planning of healthy meals, and motivation to work hard. I love it!

Today's fuel consists of:

Br: 1/3 cup porridge, 1/3 cup almond breeze, 1/2 banana, 1 tablespoon each of PB2, toasted almonds and chocolate chips, plus my milk and vitamins (404 calories)

Lu: 3 oz baby greens, 1/4 cup craisins, 1 tablespoon each of mediterranian vinegrette, walnuts and blue cheese, and one slice of dry raisin toast (232 calories)

Sn: 1/2 cup plain fat free yogurt, 1 kiwi, 1/4 cup flax granola (201 calories)

Dn: 4 oz steak, smothered in mushrooms sauteed in soya sauce & mediterranian vinegrette, 2 cups broccoli, and an orange for dessert (396 calories)

That's a total of 1234 calories for the day. Plus I'll be going to Michelle's for a workout. I haven't had a real workout since Thursday's run, since she jammed on me that night. Friday was my work all day, Saturday is my day of rest. Sunday I went for a long walk with my sis and bil, but walking doesn't seem like a workout. I'm looking forward to workin it and SWEATING!

Have a good day, all!


Sunday, February 22, 2009

Funny Funny!

Okay, I can't figure out how to imbed youtube shit on here... so you'll have to go visit my sister Magdalicious's blog here. That first video is the funniest thing I've seen in a looong time. I had to watch it twice to catch all the tickers running on the bottom. Hilarious!

Recipe: PMS Popcorn

PMS Popcorn

1/2 cup popping corn
1/4 cup dark chocolate chippits
2 tablespoons PB2 (or peanut butter)
2 tablespoons melted margarine

Pop the corn. Melt peanut butter (or reconstitued PB2) into margarine. Drizzle on popcorn.

Sprinkle chippits on popcorn. Use hot air popper to blow hot air on the chippits. Stir bowl. Eat!

NI: very bad

Thanks for listening,


Saturday, February 21, 2009

Accountability Sucks

But I need to confess. It's good for my soul. And I keep coming back to that WW mantra "what I eat in private shows in public".

First, WI time: Up 1.2lbs to 147.8. First day of TOM. Not suprised. Plus...

I binged yesterday. Yep, full out, why am I eating this? PMS is no excuse. Put that back in the cupboard! Don't open that! That's not yours, you can't eat it! Binge.

What I ate:

About a cup of cheezies.
a blue menu apple cinnamon granola bar
a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie from Subway
I ordered a roast beef sub instead of turkey

I should note that in order to do some balancing out, I didn't have the chips or the afternoon snack I had planned.

Now, I know it doesn't look like a lot, and you are right. But it's the BEHAVIOUR that I'm upset about, not the food. The cheezies and the cookie were the worst. The granola bar was the most upsetting to me because I had an entire conversation in my head about why I was pulling it out of the cupboard AS the pulling it out was happening, and ate it anyways. It wasn't a ten. (on a scale of one to ten on how good it tastes, I try and limit myself to ten or close to it if I'm "treating" myself).

I reeeeeally wanted a double quarter pounder last night. I'm craving meat like nothing. I want beef. I want protein.

So, yeah... not OP. I made it four days before losing it. And I feel so bingey it's insane. I can't promise that I'll be back OP today. It's day one of my period and I am not feeling strong at ALL.

Okay, now with the positive speak (cuz I always have both sides in my head): This is only a blip in time in my journey. I've had four solid weeks of loss. In fact, as I look back I realize it was LAST months period when I gained. I gain EVERY period, almost.

Well, what that means is that I take four steps forward to every one step back. That'll get me there, won't it!! Yeah, it will!! And I've been working hard. It WILL show on the scale, even if it's not today. I know this. I've proven this. I live this.

So, no, I'm not upset overall. Yes, I had a binge moment. But when you look at it in the big scheme of things... not so bad. Definately coulda been worse!! Coulda stopped at McDonald's after work and had that doube quarter pounder. Coulda hit DQ for that Peanut Buster Parfait I wanted. Coulda.

I might hit China Kitchen in Coquitlam for lunch today and have a meat gorging fest. We'll see. I may allow it. And if it's planned, I dont' see it as a binge. For me a binge involves that fight in my head as I'm doing it, because I really don't want to be doing it... make sense? If I plan it, it's just me living my life in the way that I need to live it at this moment, and I'll do what needs to be done to counterbalance it tomorrow. I don't live a life of deprivation because if I do... that's when the bingeing happens.

Oh, and the cheezies? Those were my husbands. He always has a bag of cheezies or chips in the house, and I never eat them. They are his. It's actually weird that I had them. So not normal.

I wonder if getting up at 5:30 and being incredibly tired had anything to do with it? *taps fingers* possibly...

Anyways, I'll probably be back to blog again... this is just my morning ramble.

Have a great day!

Thanks again for listening,


Friday, February 20, 2009

17 Questions (from Becca)

Disclaimer: I'm not tagging anyone... I just felt like doing this. I'm not a "forwarder" by nature of being a spam hater. Feel free to copy and paste if you want to!


Step 1: respond and rework -- answer the questions on your own blog, replace one question that you dislike with a question of your own invention, add one more question of your own.

Step 2: tag - eight other un-tagged people

1) What are you wearing right now? ducky pj pants, fleece oversized shirt

2) What is your biggest fear? death or getting old... not sure yet which one is going to suck more

3) What is the one thing you're really nerdy about? um... the computer, I guess... what else CAN you be nerdy about? I used to play D&D, but not anymore.

4) Who is the last person you hugged? my husband

5) What web sites to you visit when you go online? Nutrimirror, lots of blogs, FaceBook, WW.ca, lolcats

6) What was the last item you bought? that would be popcorn at the grocery store.

7) If you could go anywhere in the world , where would you go? Australia

8) When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up (and “taller” isn’t an answer, yo)? a housewife

9) Has a celebrity's hair cut ever influenced your own hairstyle? I admit, I was a Monica fan... or was it Rachel? I don't even remember now...

10) What is your most embarrassing moment? I'm not naming it here!!!

11) What was the last movie you watched? Knocked Up

12) What was the first concert you went to? Pink Floyd... whom I don't even really like.

13) If you were to win the Powerball, what would you do with the money (besides invest it)? Pay off the mortgage and all the debt, then buy a whole new wardrobe every day, after making sure my family were provided for.

14) If you could convince everyone you knew to read one book... what book would it be, and why? The Secret

15) What do you miss most? Cottage Cheese... so much sodium, I don't eat it anymore.

16) This is the one I am adding.(praying for lightening) When was the last time you were on a stage and why? Hmmm... Grade 7 for a play?

17) What is your biggest acomplishment? Losing weight

A New Day! Friday!!

Good Morning!

Well, it's Friday. While most are saying TGIF, that won't be me until tomorrow. It's a long day on Fridays for me. Today especially. I was up at 5:30. I have a conference call at 9 which is going to cut into my other job, so I thought I'd get an hour in early in the day to make up for it. Then I do my chinese delivery from 4-10.

With TOM just around the corner, ugh. I'm feeling sluggish. I'm thinking an extra cup of coffee this morning might be in order.

On the bright side (because I always find one!), I planned my meals today already:

Br: 1/3 cup porridge oats, 1/8 cup egg white, 1/3 cup diced prunes, 2 strawberries, 1/3 cup almond breeze, 1 tablespoon each of toasted almonds and dark chocolate chips. Then a 1/2 cup almond breeze to wash down my vitamins. (362 calories)

Lu: leftover veggie stirfry with 4oz fried tofu (182 calories)

Sn: 1/2 cup plain yoghurt, 1 kiwi, 1/4 cup flax granola (202 calories)

Dn: Subway - turkey on brown with veggies, no cheese, no mayo, just mustard. Small bag of Baked Lays (410 calories)

That's a total of 1156 for the day. So I have room if I want a snack, which I probably will this morning... Breaky two hours early and all.

I'm not planning on working out today. Maybe a little dancing during my conference call (what... they can't see me!), but with WI tomorrow...

Don't expect anything spectacular with my WI tomorrow. As I said, TOM is just around the corner so I'm feeling bloated. It always does a number on me. I'm hoping for a STS (stay the same) or tiny gain. I've worked pretty hard this week.

Speaking of which, for the sake of accountability, I need to tell you... I didn't shred last night, or do yoga. My buddy needed to have a girls bitching session. Work was rough for her that day. So we joined up with my sister and just spent some time together. It wasn't that I was necessarily upset... but I felt a little sabotaged. I eat according to the excercise I've planned. Luckily, I was way under with my calories yesterday, so I was till okay, and in fact could have eaten another 200 if I wanted.

Okay, that's all I got right now. Time to get to work!

Thanks for listening,


Thursday, February 19, 2009

A ShoutOut to my Best Friend

Today is our Healthy Anniversary. Two years ago today, my sister and I made a commitment to join Weight Watchers and lose weight. It's been exactly two years since I committed myself to me. It was about getting healthy.

That included quitting smoking. It's been exactly two years since my last smoke ever. It's been two years of a journey that will continue the rest of my life.

When I started it, I had no concept of what I was up against. I had never dieted in my life. I was 208 pounds, and I was for the most part okay with that. Oh sure, there were some things that bugged me. Like when I could feel my neck fat when I lied on my back. Like when during intimate times, a pillow under my hips almost suffocated me with my fat being forced up my body. Like when I layed on my back, and my stomach STILL rounded out, instead of in. Like when I layed in the bathtub and my boobs and belly stuck above the water. But you know, other than that...

What started my journey? What started me on this path to finding the real me? My best friend in the whole wide world. The one person who knows me better than even my husband. My sister, my soul.

Sam sat me down and had a talk with me. She was worried sick, because I had just been diagnosed with fatty liver disease. She was scared for me. More scared for me than I was, I bet. So we sat on my porch and talked. What she said to me was that she has seen me throw my self into things, live eat and breathe them, and she felt that we could do Weight Watchers together and succeed. You see, I had made a comment a few weeks prior that I didn't think that she and I could be weight loss buddies because we are the first to back the other up in justifying our way out of (or into, in the case of cheesecake) anything. But the way she talked to me that day, she really inspired me. She pointed out real life scenarios where I had believed in something so strongly that I bought into the philosophy and took it to a superstar level. AOV, Dale Carnegie, motherhood. She was right.

So, I went online. Sam sent me the link. I signed up for Weight Watchers Online. And the rest is history. We had an AMAZING 2007. We lost a great chunk of weight (like that word?). I came really close to finding out where I'm going to be forever. I got past the main hurldle of weight.

2007 was a learning experience for me. The curve was HUGE. Not just about food, portion size, and what I was capable of excercise-wise. But about me. And who I am. And what I can do.

I know that last year was bullshit for both of us (I personally lost five pounds in the entire year when all was said and done), but we have to focus on the fact that we didn't slip BACK, too. We worked really hard to not get fat again. Okay, so we could have worked really hard to lose more, too, but whatever. We need to have back pats, too. We could have been complacent. We could have given up. We could have had those pounds creep back on without us holding ourselves accountable. We didn't do that. We learned a valuable lesson on complacency. We learned that we will ROCK maintenance!! Last year had it's lessons well learned.

This year is OURS. This year we will make huge strides towards our goals. I know that I will reach mine. I know that she will reach whatever goals she has set for herself. I know that we have it in us, now.

So, I raise a salad fork (with a bit of protein and a bite of brown rice for balance) to my sister, my best friend, my soulmate, my love. To Sam.

Happy Healthy Anniversary. Here's to forever.

Thanks for sharing this moment with me,


I'm Wounded!

Owie, owie owie owie, *sob*.

I have a blister! I know, I'm such a whiner. But I couldn't snivel when I realized I had it cuz my niece, who is the biggest drama queen I know when it comes to personal injury, was watching. So I had to show her how to blow off the fact that you are bleeding into your runner.

My shoes were rubbing the last few times I ran, so on Tuesday I took it fairly easy, hoping to just break in my skin. But alas, it was too much, and I had to do my workout barefoot, it was so tender after my run. Today, I thought 'fuck it', and ran! I could feel it rubbing, but then it seemed to go away, and the exhiliration of the run took over. I get to the school, and do my cool down by walking around the schoolyard until the bell rings. But as I'm walking, my sock is feeling kinda funny. Just as I get to the classroom, and Aly comes out, I'm pulling my sock up to see what the deal is, and Aly yells "what's that red thing, Aunty?"

Well. Now I have to play tough, even though the pain is starting to set in, because I've worn right through the skin and am seriously bleeding into my runner! The funny feeling was the sock sticking to my skin on one side, and my runner on the other! "Blood" I say in my best nonchalant voice. Well, she freaks! I need a bandaid! Maybe we should go into the school and wash it off! What are we going to do! "Nah," I respond. "I'm tough, let's just go home."

I think, for the first time ever, I truly impressed my niece. I think I rose a level in her little mind. I'm TOUGH. I was BLEEEDING. And I was OKAY.

It took everything in me not to limp home. And today of all days, she wants to run! Hello? Bleeding into my shoe here! LOL I did say that, but again, nonchalantly. She was instantly attentive again... for all of two seconds before it was back to her: Can I run? Sure you can. I'll be right behind you (limping when you aren't looking).

Aerobics tonight is barefoot again. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. I have to keep running to train. Maybe I'll get a set of inserts. If my foot was up about 1/4 inch, it wouldn't rub. Thoughts?

Thanks for listening,


Wednesday, February 18, 2009


I see a few new faces on my followers list, and wanted to take a moment to say welcome and thanks for reading! Aaaand to warn you. He he he... I write for me. And, frankly, I amuse me. And sometimes I even offend me! Occasionally, I frighten the hell out of me.

I tend to post my menu to keep myself accountable and on plan (which you will see me refer to as OP). I post my excercise for the same reason. If I say I'm going to do something, I do it. If I don't say it out loud, even to myself, then I reserve the right to change my mind.

Oh hell, who am I kidding... the right to change my mind is ALWAYS reserved. LOL

Anyways, thanks for coming! I hope we can learn a lot from each other. I feel that I must never stop learning. Complacency = fat in my world.

Thanks for listening,



Michelle had mercy on me last night, and let me choose the Denise Austin yoga dvd that I have. Thank goodness! Because by the time our date came at 7pm, my body was DONE!! There was no way I had the energy to shred, OR do Bob's boot camp (which is freaken awesome, btw).

Today my body is thanking me for the yoga. My back is not sore (which is a miracle) and my legs are tender, but not killing me. I'll probably take it easy today, maybe take the dogs for a walk at lunch, and do boot camp tonight. It's going to be a nice sunny day. I need to get out in it!

Hubby AND kid are home today. Yeesh! I hate having my space invaded. I love working from home, because I can zing laundry through, or go grab a cuppa if I want, but having someone here distracts me like mad. Especially since I'm pms-ing, so it's like I'm waiting for someone to piss me off. Must control that.

I haven't planned my whole day's meals yet. For breakfast I had half a flax bagel with an ounce of spinach, a tablespoon of salsa, a teaspoon of lowfat cream cheese, 1/4 cup egg white, green onions, and a tablespoon of romano cheese, with my milk and vitamin.

For dinner I've pulled out a pound of ground buffalo. And I have a zucchini, asparagus, and cabbage that needs eating. Maybe I'll roast veggies and just serve it with fried buffalo on top. I don't want a lot of sodium. I'm thinking a nice clean meal.

I might have soup for lunch. Or leftovers. Not sure yet. Either way, it will be OP, I can tell you that! I stepped on the scale this morning (now remember, I had a ginormous bowl of popcorn last night, tricked out with butter, peanut butter and chocolate chips, plus my day o piggyness on Sunday), and I'm up to 148.6. Between all that AND pms, I don't have a hope in hell this Saturday, but I'm working it anyways, so the next week is kick ass. I will NOT become complacent and yo yo. I WILL WORK IT!!

Thanks for listening,


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

What Fun!

I just spent my lunch hour dancing with Denise Austin! Michelle loaned me a couple of dance aerobic dvds and I thought I would try one out. I did ten minutes of salsa, and ten minutes of club dancing plus a warm up and cool down. The cool down was awesome because Denise uses yoga moves, which I absolutely love.

Note: never try those supposed club moves in a club unless you want to be laughed out of the place. I don't know what clubs she frequents, or in what year, but I had to laugh, I tell ya. The salsa, merengie, and such were great fun, though!

And what have I learned from this? That I am STILL not coordinated to pick up a dance routine in one try. A fly on the wall would have fallen off laughing at my pitiful attempts. But there was heartrate and sweating, so it's all good!

Now for my run later, and my shred after that. Whoo, an active day!!


Do you know what day it is?


Like you didn't see THAT coming!! (unless you are new here... which in that case you need to know that Tuesday + Biggest Loser = Popcorn = Happy Dee Dancing)

I've planned my day out very carefully... and am actually within my caloric budget. WOOT!! In fact, when and if the hungries hit, I have a few calories to spare.

I've staggered my lunch, because with my run I'm going to need fuel, but my run falls right AT snack time when my tummy starts grumbling (I have to coordinate my run around picking up my niece from school in order to not cut out too much paid time). So you will see that I am having two lunches today.

And today's fuel IS:

Br: breakfast wrap (yep, no oatmeal... shocked?) 1/4 cup egg white, 1 tablespoon green onion, 1 serving black olives, 2 tablespoons salsa, 1 tablespoon romano cheese, 1/4 cup sprouts, all in a sprouted grain tortilla. YUMMO!! Plus milk & vitamins (375 calories)

Lu (11:30): 1 cup Soupreme Tomato & Herb Blue Menu soup (80 calories)

Lu (2:00): 1 cup Soupreme Tomato & Herb Blue Menu soup (80 calories)

Sn: asian pear w/ 1 tablespoon PB2 (78 calories)

Dn: leftover Bacon Shrimp Linguine (230 calories)

Sn: POPCORN!!!! (570 calories)

So that is 1412 for the day.

As I said, I'm planning a 30 minute run, plus a half hour walk, home from the school, plus a 30 minute buddy workout.

Well, back to work...

Thanks for listening,


Monday, February 16, 2009

Jello Anyone?

Holy Crappers... my workout "buddy" is trying to kill me, I swear.

Michelle introduced me to Bob's workout. I don't even know which one it was. All I know is that I can barely type this because the effort it takes to hold my arms up is unbelievable.

55 intense minutes. Whoa.

Here's what I ate today:

Br: 1/3 cup porridge, 1/2 banana, 1/3 cup prunes, 1/3 cup almond breeze, 1 tablespoon each almonds and dark chocolate chips, milk & vitamin (452 calories)

Lu: leftover bacon shrimp linguine and then about an hour later a banana wrapped in a tortilla with a tablespoon of PB2 (521 calories)

Sn: 3 strawberries, 1/2 cup plain fat free yoghurt, 1/4 cup flax granola (172 calories)

Dn: 1 cup basmati rice, 1 cup pork chili, 1/4 cup plain fat free yoghurt (493 calories)

That's a total of 1639 for the day.

It's that lovely week before TOM. Stupid being a woman. Stupid feeling starving all the time during PMS week. Stupid not being able to eat anything I stupid want. Stupid having to excercise more because I'm so stupid hungry if I want to stupid eat. Stupid excercise with stupid jumping up and down when my stupid boobs stupid hurt. Stupid.

Okay, I'm done bitching. Now, if only I could lift my arms to take off my sports bra... not sure that's going to happen.

Wish me luck.


Sunday, February 15, 2009

*taps fingers on desk*

Don't you love waiting?? LOL

I'm not going to the track today. I asked my bested friend to join me, but she suggested a walk instead. I'm totally up for that! But of course, I was trippin because I actually wanted to break a sweat today, but she mentioned having my niece with us. I walk with Aly twice a week. Trust me, no sweat breaking. She's got bitty little legs that can't keep up, lol.

So instead, I just ran on the treadmill for a mile and a half. That way I can enjoy my walk without the pang of needing a workout. Woot! Go ME! I may have slashed all the tires today, but I'm still making good choices!

Speaking of good choices... I took my latest historical romance novel on a brunch date to the Pantry for buffet. We had a lovely time, the two of us, and pigged out on bacon and sausages. One egg benny, with only half the english muffin. About three tablespoons of scrambled eggs (I hear they soak it in melted butter to keep them moist on the buffet... ewww), one small pancake with whipped butter and syrop, about three tablespoons (literally) of potatoes with full fat sour cream, a croisant with whipped butter, orange juice, and the list goes on and on. I had two plates of brunch. The first one fairly full, the second about half. Then I had a plate of dessert. Twas heaven.

I'm sooo looking forward to walking with Sam and catching up. She's in school, working, and fitting homework, family and life in whereever she can right now, so I've not been bugging her much. I miss her like MAD. Thus my eagerness to ditch running at the track to go out and jabber-walk with her!

Hopefully she comes soon...

Thanks for listening,


Cheesecake for Breakfast

Yep, you heard me!

I'm telling you, when I food vacation, I food vaCATION!!

I was going to eat good all day, ala the "don't slash all the tires" saying. But then I saw that last slice of Jello No Bake Cheesecake made with splenda and skim milk in the fridge... and I thought "when else am I EVER going to have the opportunity to eat cheesecake for breakfast??" and I grabbed it! WOOT!!! I was like a little kid, so gleefully munching it down, savouring the creamy goodness... LOL.

Then I had a Flax bagel from Silver Hills Bakery. If you have eaten these, you know they are pretty much air. BUT, when you put a thin layer of 95% fat free cream cheese and a bit of sugar free jam... Oh the decadent goodness!!!

I am going to enjoy my food today. And tomorrow I'm back on day 1 of being completely OP. I'm so excited for The Keg tonight! Prime Rib, here I come!!

I'm also stoked because it's a GORGEOUS day and I'm going to hit the track and do some running. I'm so looking forward to getting out there and soaking up my Vitamin D (make sure you read the part where breast cancer rates were 50% lower).

Hope you all have the most amazing Sunday you can have. I know I will be!

Thanks for listening,


Saturday, February 14, 2009

Amazing Double Dinner Date

What a wonderful Valentine's Dinner we just had!

It was a double date with myself and Steve, and my fifteen year old son Logan and his girlfriend Beverly. We ate by candlelight in the dining room. Candles all over the place, on the table, the windowsill, the shelves, the sidebar. Logan made a candle centrepiece.

I made dinner, and Logan made dessert. He was very proud. It's so sweet. He saved up his money and bought Beverly a really cool stone ring, and a single red rose. He's so romantic... something RIGHT about that boy!

It was absolutely lovely. And now, to snuzzle with my man on the couch, and watch tv. Relaxing evening to a great day!

Happy Valentine's Day,


Valentine Eats

Well, it's been a day of planning. Planning to go over, that is.

Br: Wor Wonton Soup (so delicious... )

Sn: 1/2 a Starbucks Molasses/Ginger Cookie & a Grande Skinny Caramel Decaf Americano Misto

Dn: Special Linguine (I'll post the ingredients below), spinach salad, whole wheat garlic bread (how cool they have THAT now in Safeway!!!)

BTW: Speaking of Safeway... if you live in Maple Ridge, and you like the Lemon Luna bars, they have them on the clearance rack. Other flavours are on sale in the snack aisle. I haven't tried them, but I always see them in other people's blogs. If I wasn't such a freak about clean eating as much as possible, I'd be tempted. But one look at the ingredients and Logan and I vetoed it.

Anyways, in my linguine I have these foods:

3/4 cup fat free evaporated skim
1 cup skim milk
2 cups chopped broccoli
2 oz shrimp
12 slices canadian bacon, chopped and fried
1 can artichoke hearts, packed in water (chopped)
1 medium onion, fried
1 large can diced tomatoes
1 tablespoon minced garlic
1/2 package of whole wheat linguine

I figure it will make 8 servings.

Tomorrow I'm going to the Keg (squeal!). So I'll be starting over on my count of days OP. Even with planning on ridiculous overeating of calories (not stuffed feeling-wise, just caloricly), I think I would feel more honest about it if I didn't count this weekend as OP.

However, I do take great pride in that I didn't free for all with that. I could have had chicken chow mein and sweet & sour pork, which I wanted, at the chinese lunch. I actually looked it up online, and the calories? OutRAgeous. I couldn't do it. I had to admit defeat. I had one bite of each of Logan's, and I relished my wor wonton. Filled with luscious vegetables, broccoli, cauliflower, fresh mushrooms, baby corn, carrots, chicken breast, a couple slices of bbq pork, 4 large shrimps and 8 won ton. Way more calories than I had planned. I had planned on just having a small wonton soup, but it was like the "other me" took over.

Again, good news though. Because in the past, that bitch is the one that overrides my order at McDonald's. You know the one... all the way up there you are planning and repeating in your head. "I'm having a chicken fajita and a fruit & yoghurt parfait". You get up to the counter and open your mouth to place your order and out comes "I'll have a double quarter pounder, plain with extra cheese & mayo, with a filet o fish on the side". As she's ringing it in you are staring wide eyed at her, thinking "who the fuck SAID that????" But it's too late... now you are eating that, so you shrug, walk away and inhale said food before the fat police come and take it away from you.

Yeah, that bitch. I opened my mouth to say "small wonton soup" and out came "small wor wonton, please". But at least this time it was a HEALTHY choice. If you can call all that sodium healthy. Definately a healthier choice than what Logan had, which, like I said, was what I wanted when I went looking this morning.

So a good day, food wise. I'm happy. Under 2500 calories from what I can figure. But you know what? With being OP for 25 days in a row, I can afford two higher days. I'm letting myself indulge... wisely. :)

Thanks for listening,


Freezer Foods

There has been a lot of talk on the WW boards about freezer foods, and I posted my favourite, which is Cabbage Unrolls. I was suprised at how many had not seen it before, so I thought I'd share it here, too.

Cabbage Unrolls

Ingredients:Coarsely chopped green cabbageLean Ground Turkey uncooked (I use beef)
2 Large Cans crushed tomatoes (I use diced)
1 can of water (use the can from the tomatoes)
2 cups of uncooked pearl barley
optional - salt and pepper
optional – oregano
optional – onion mixed into the cabbage
optional – garlic mixed into the cabbage

Directions: In a really big roasting pan with a lid, layer cabbage, tomato, meat (raw), barley, repeat. Top with the last can of water. Put the lid on and cook at 300 degrees for ** 2.5 hours **.

If you love cabbage rolls, you are gonna love this... AND it does not use your potato/rice/pasta option for another meal :) Hardest work is shredding the cabbage...assembles in minutes and then sllloooowwww cooks the flavour. This makes approx 21 cups of food, so divvy it up into whatever size servings you want!


Thursday, February 12, 2009

I have a workout buddy!

I ran into my friend Michelle in the grocery store yesterday... it's funny, she lives four doors down, and that's the first time I've seen her this month... lol. Anyways, it struck me and I asked her if she wanted to do a Shred with me. She jumped all over it.

We made a commitment, and I went over there tonight. (I ditched my run today when I remembered this) She has a basement, so we are able to have private workout space. She joined me for level one. When done, I turned to look at her, and she looked at me with big sparkly eyes and said "I like it!!". I knew she would!!

She has Bob's workout, which she said might actually be harder. We decided that we are committing Monday thru Thursday at 7pm to workout for an hour to either dvd. Both of us get bored and lonely doing it by ourselves. And neither of us can afford to do anything outside the home at a gym or whatever.

I'm totally stoked. I work out like mad, but man, it IS lonely by yourself. I guess it's that old saying, misery loves company, LOL.

Weekends, I won't commit to... but Monday thru Thursday I'm stoked about!

Thanks for listening,


You know what chaps my hide?

My shoe laces are too long.

Thanks for listening,


Happy Food Dance Day!

I'm very excited for my foods this morning. And I was happy too, that Logan joined me for breakfast. I made him a decadent oatmeal and he loved it. He didn't even drown it in brown sugar, which is his usual MO!!

Hmmm, what's on the agenda for today. Well, after last night's 45 minutes of step aerobics, I think I'll just have a nice run today. Wait! Let me check the weather network first... Ah! Only a 10% chance of precipitation. A run it is! Tuesday's run was brutal. There were flakes falling during my run. Okay, only about six, but that tells you how cold it was! It was deceptive... the wind was what was making it cold! And I don't have proper running clothes for cold weather. I can't find that balance. I'm either too hot or too cold. My kingdom for baby bear!!!

With WI on Saturday, I'm only doing the run today, then taking tomorrow off. I find if I work out the day before WI, my muscles hold water or something, and it's never a good showing on the scale. And yes, I know, the scale isn't the endall beall, but whatever. You obsess over your things, I'll obsess over mine.

I think the main reason I'm obsessing over it right now is because I'm still above 145. I'm not in new loss territory, and it's killing me. I'm getting back there in a slow steady manner that is healthy, but it was my own stupidity that brought me back up here in the high 140's. And I hate admitting stupidity!!! I want this weight GONE. I want to be charting new waters. I want the excitement of a number I've never seen on the scale in my adult life. Does that make sense to you?

My lowest weight to date was 144.6. When I get below that, I will be a super happy camper!

Also, in the past, when I put on a chunk of weight (ha! good choice of wording, huh? LOL), it came off the very next week. But not this time... this time it's taking weeks. Bit of a wakeup call, that is! The body will not bounce back easy every time. Don't become complacent thinking it's gonna come right off. May not happen. Makes one think twice about a week long binge, doesn't it?

Well, here is my fuel for the day:

Br: Decadent Oatmeal (1/3 cup porridge, .17 cup chopped prunes, 1/3 cup almond breeze, 1 tablespoon each of dark chocolate chips, toasted almonds, and PB2), milk & vitamins (426 calories)

Lu: Breakfast Wrap (whole wheat sprouted grain tortilla, 1/4 cup egg white scrambled, 1 tablespoon shredded romano, 2 tablespoons salsa, 1 oz raw spinach) (226 calories)

Sn: 1 kiwi, 1/2 cup plain fat free yogurt, 1/4 cup pumkin flax granola (202 calories)

Dn: 1 Italian burger patty, 1/2 cup whole wheat couscous, 1 cup smashed turnip (324 calories)

That's a total of 1177 calories for the day!

Thanks for listening,


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

I just ate the BEST dinner!

I've been kinda craving fast food, so I made a home version of it today. Decadent enough that I feel completely satisfied.

I don't really have much to report. I meant to Shred today, but life got in the way. I vow to get in a minimum 30 minute circuit train tonight, though. I have to, with all the calories I've eaten! I incorporated them in, knowing I would be getting a Shred in. Yikes!

The good news is, I've stocked up on fruit and yoghurt again. I ran out. Those and sliced almonds. I really like them in my oatmeal, so was sad this morning without them. Same with prunes, actually. I ♥ them so much, but have to be careful not to overdo them. LOL!

Here's today's menu plan:

Br: 1/3 cup porridge oats, 1/3 cup unsweetened almond breeze, 2 teaspoons dark chocolate chips, 1/2 banana, 1/4 cup prunes, 1 tablespoon ground flaxseed and my milk & vitamins (436 calories)

Lu: 5 oz pork loin, 1 cup carrots (349 calories)

Sn: Grande Decaf Skinny Caramel Americano Misto, Hershey's Special Dark Burnt Almond Bar (265 calories)

Dn: 2 Italian Burger patties, 40 skinny fries, 1/3 of the mix of package instant gravy and 2 tablespoons fat free cream cheese (669 calories)

Okay, so I'm obviously craving today. Can you tell? LOL That is 1718 calories for the day. The problem arose (problem = chocolate bar) when I decided that I would have Starbucks for my snack. They usually fill me up pretty decent, so not unreasonable. Except that it was too hot, and I was hungry now. Which prompted me to buy the candy bar while in the veggie store. And once it is bought, I'm eatin it. And it was goooooood. But I accounted for it, and I'll be working it off. So still OP in my books!

Thanks for listening,


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

I am in LOVE

... with dark chocolate chips.

Seriously... one teaspoon is 11 calories, and juuust hits that spot.

Thanks for listening,


It's TUESDAY!!!!

Biggest Loser / Popcorn night! Whoop Whoop!!!

Seriously... I should seek help for my popcorn addiction. The level of excitement is a little much, don't you think??

I've planned my day around having higher calories. While working, I've been dancing. I've got a 30 minute run planned (with 10:1 intervals, which can be assumed from here on in), and a 30 minute walk (although it's more of a meander getting my niece home... girl walks so slow with those little legs!).

I've planned out my meals, around my popcorn, and decided that today is a higher calorie day ON PURPOSE. That means I'm still OP in my books. You can define it your way, I'll define it mine, lol. For me, it means that not only do I make a plan, I record everything that passes my lips. If it's not a binge, I'm still good. Binge, I define as mindless eating, damn the consequences, not gonna track it cuz it would be too much anyways, so fuckit, I'm off my streak and I'll start again tomorrow. THAT is a binge to me.

So, without further ado... here is my plan for today!

Br: decadent oatmeal (1/3 cup porridge, 1/3 cup almond breeze, 1/2 cup pineapple, 1/2 tblsp almonds, 1 tablespoon squash seeds, 1 tablespoon PB2) & vitamins (454 calories)

Lu: 5.5oz chicken breast on spinach ceasar salad (2oz spinach, 2oz brocslaw, 1 tablespoon romano cheese, 1 tablespoon light ceasar dressing, 1/4 cup craisins) (363 calories)

Sn: .5 cup ff plain yogurt, 1 cup grapes, 1/4 cup fibre 1 cereal (228 calories)

Dn: pork chop & leftover veggie stirfry (442 calories)

Sn: POPCORN!!!! (12 cups air popped w/ 2 tablespoons margarine) (570 calories)

That's 2058 calories for the day. But with my excercise, it still puts me in between my "lose" and "maintain" goals! Damn, I'm good!!

Monday, February 9, 2009


Don't run, I'm yelling at myself.

I actually did go to work out this afternoon. I got into my workout gear, and was just lacing my shoes when I glanced up to the clock to see that I was two minutes away from being late for work! SHIT!! Totally forgot I had to work this afternoon!! So off I ran.

I got home in time to make my luscious yumminess dinner. Chicken veggie terriyaki stirfry. SO good. I totally cheat by steaming the hard veggies first, THEN stirfrying everything together. I'm too impatient to stand there stirring frying veggies forever... lol. Instant Gratification Girl comes out in more areas than I care to share.

SO, that means I still have to work out! I'm going to do level 2 of the Shred in a few minutes.

Today is my anniversary! Well, okay, not really. It's the anniversary of being completly OP for three weeks!! Three weekends in a row!

I've discovered via other blogs absoute decadence. My oatmeal this morning? Holy dessert, Batman! It was awesome goodness.

Check it out:

Br: 1/3 cup porridge oatmeal, 1/2 banana, 1/3 cup almond breeze, 1 tablespoon toasted almonds, 1 teaspoon squash seeds, 1 tablespoon PB2, and 2 teaspoons dark chocolate chips. Add milk and vitamins. (429 calories)

Lu: 3 oz baked marinated tofu, 2 oz spinach, 1/4 cup craisins, 1 tablespoon romano cheese, and 1 tablespoon mediteranian vinegrette. (269 calories)

Sn: 1.5 oz tofu (popped it in my mouth and chewed without thinking what I was doing, so had to track it) (80 calories)

PLANNED Sn: 1 tin Thai Chili Tuna on 10 ancient grain Blue Menu crackers (240 calories)

Dn: 1/3 cup whole wheat gemelli pasta, 1/4 recipe chicken veggie stirfry (broccoli, cauliflower, carrots, onion, mushrooms, orange pepper) (244 calories)

That's 1262 calories for the day.

I may have a snack later. We'll see. I've been really hungry lately. I have room for it in my calorie budget.

Well, I will once I Shred. Okay! I'm going, I'm going!!!


Thanks for listening,


Sunday, February 8, 2009

Whoops! Can'O'Worms Opened!!

Someone on WW pointed out how close I am to goal (my numbers said that my goal was 145, and I'm at 147.6). My response sent me down a path I really didn't see coming. I've added to it here, as my thoughts are racing. Please bear with me. This is long and soul searching. It is bringing me to a deeper understanding of who I am. And if I own it, it's mine to let go, right? Carry on:

Oh, thanks for pointing that out to me! I forgot to change my target. I'm now shooting for 130.

I'm so DONE with being in the 140s!! For my height I should be between 101 - 136 lbs to be in the healthy BMI range. I've reset my goal to 130. Back when I first started losing weight it was at 135, but then when I stagnated at 145, I changed it to reflect that I was happy there. But truth be told, I'm not. If I fluctuate five pounds it is so noticable on this body! And it puts me in the double digit jeans, which is a huge NO to me.

I think the biggest thing is that I just want to be in the "normal healthy" range. I have a small structure, and I have fooled myself all my life that I am fine with my weight. But now that I am running, and excercising every day, and eating healthy, I see how good it makes me feel and I recognize my old ways for what they were.

My adoptive mother always told me I wasn't good enough. She worked really hard to tear me down. And where she didn't succeed in most areas, she did in my subconcious. And it came out in my weight. I was always fine with it. Or so I thought...

Isn't that funny... huh. *taps finger on teeth, thinking* I have always said that I gained weight and was fat because food tasted good. And to an extent it's true. A percentage of my issue was definately that. Another percentage was education about nutrition and portion size. But looking at it now, a huge percentage was "who cares". I mean, I knew that Steve cared. He twice tried in the NICEST way possible to tell me that I was getting bigger ("do you remember those jeans you wore back when we first met? you still have those? they were so nice... it would be awesome if you could wear those again"). But I didn't care. Well, I cared enough to cry, but not to do anything about it. Which looking back is not suprising, because you cannot do it for anyone else. It HAS to be for you. And I didn't care enough for me to do it.

I never "struggled" with my weight. It just was. I was never a yoyo dieter. Lorraine (my adopted mother), used to say that she was a professional cook and I was a professional eater.


*pause to think*

You know, I never ever got praise from that woman. EVER. Is it possible that my subconcious took that moment, that sentence, of what my young mind perceived as praise and ran with it?? Could that be the pivotal moment where it became completely okay for me to enjoy food to an excess? An excess that became completely unhealthy? An excess that made up for the other areas that were so stunted?

I have so many awful memories of my childhood (she was a stay at home drunk), but the best memories are around food. Potatoes Romanoff... omg, it was good. Christmas baking... I used to steal it out of the freezer. Steak and lobster until I was sick of it, but it was still divine. Macaroni and weiners with ketchup and mustard? It made me cry tears of joy. The lasagna, the spaghetti (but not the leftovers... lol), the everything!

You know, this explains my issues with eggs, too. Anyone who knows me knows I wig RIGHT OUT when it comes to fried eggs. Those brown crunchy bits around the edges? I will puke. I seriously start hyperventilating, and cannot eat. I turn into a jeuvinile idiot if I get served those. But it makes sense... In my teen years, when things were BAD BAD BAD, my brothers had moved out, Dad was gone all the time on business trips, and she drank her meals, the only thing she had the energy to create was fried eggs on toast. But omg, they were snotty on top, crunchy brown around the edges, and loaded with pepper. Horrifying. And I had to eat them. (trust me when I tell you, I could not stand up to her and not eat them for fear of death).

It's like those eggs were a punishment, and I didn't deserve a good meal. I wasn't worth cooking for. I was only worth those crappy fried eggs on toast. I wasn't worth the effort it took to prepare something yummy. Hmmmm, interesting. *taps on teeth*

This is making so much sense to me. I've never understood my mindset around my weight. I've never understood why it was okay to be fat. Sam and I would have conversations and hers were filled with self loathing about her weight, and mine were always a shrug of not caring and a smile of whatever. She never understood HOW it was that I could be alright with my weight. It was mind boggling to her.

I'm totally interested to see what she thinks of this post...

My mantra during my weight loss was "because I deserve it... for a change". Little did I know how true those words would ring for me. I had no idea that I didn't feel I deserved it, I just thought it sounded good. Now, I can look back with my 20/20 hindsight and see it for what it really was. Isn't it funny... I subconciously picked the mantra that I needed. But guess what? It turns out that I DO deserve it! And I CAN do it! My mind does want what's best for me, and I didn't even know it. I can be healthy. I can be strong. And a great side effect of that is that I can lose weight, and I can wear small clothes. Watch... you'll see.

Day 20 OP and still going strong.

Because I deserve it... I really do.

Thanks for listening,


Saturday, February 7, 2009

Weigh In


Down .6lbs and I'm struggling with my IGGness (Instant Gratification Girl). I actually considered doing another WI tomorrow, in hopes it would be lower. Then, after thinking about it for a couple of hours, I realized that if I don't own this small loss, then I'm talking out my ass a couple of posts below.

It is within the healthy weight loss range, and helps me to, statistically speaking, have better odds of keeping it off.

There, I said it. I owned it. It's mine. Dammit.

I'm on day 19 of being completely OP. I've started running again. I'm in the middle of my month cycle so nowhere near TOM. I cannot explain why my loss is so little. I'm going to let it go now. I've owned it, so it's mine to let go. RIGHT???? (dammit)

Off to Costco for more vitamins. I think I'm going to switch up my flax seed oil capsules for fish oil capsules.

Thanks for listening,


Please go and watch this...

I don't know how to imbed videos into my blog yet, but I have to share this.

It breaks my heart.

Thanks for listening,



Jesus Suffering FUCK!!!

I just added a column to my excel sheet of weight loss tracking for last year. And am I ever disgusted with myself!!!

Because I'm in the BLBE, I am losing at a steady pace, and I decided that since this is the year I'm going to get at goal, I wanted to see how much I'm losing, so far this year. So I created a column and put in all the formulas, to find that I've lost 5.4 lbs so far this year. Woot! Go me!! That's nice and slow and steady (shut UP, interal IGG).

But then, I decided to copy and paste that badboy over to LAST year's excel sheet. And now I am banging my head on my desk. I wasted an entire year!!! All told, by the end of the year, wanna know how much I lost?? Five pounds. FIVE POUNDS!!!!

There were points where that number was up to 16 lbs lost for the year, but I waffled back and forth, and then with my nine pound gain over Christmas, the year ended with a five pound difference for the entire year.


THIS year will be different. My life begins TODAY. EVERY day. That's utterly ridiculous that I maintained for an entire year, when I wasn't even at goal.

The silver lining is that I will ROCK maintenance... lol. But then I knew that. I joked about it all year. But in all honesty, I didn't realize it was THAT bad.

Wow. We have to learn from our past, huh?

Oh, if you want a copy of my excel sheet for your own tracking purposes, gimme your email address and I'll send it to you. Same with my measurements sheets if you want.

Thanks for listening,


Lovefest at NutriMirror this morning

I'm over on NutriMirror this morning, reading journal posts, and there seems to be a lovefest happening! People are talking about why it works for them. I responded to a post, and then thought I'd copy it over here, since I was so impressed with my own profoundness. LOLOLOL

I'm going to take this site to my doctor. The benefits are too incredible not to.

For me, this site has done exactly what I was looking for. I started my journey on Weight Watchers Flex program. Then I moved to Core and discovered eating clean. I maintained while learning that, then realized that I wasn't losing anymore, and I needed something more. I needed an education about the nutritional values of what I was eating.

Thus my quest and finding of this site. I tried fitday and sparkspeople, but they weren't comprehensive enough. And the spam emails! GAWD, leemee alone!! I need to be accountable to ME, not a program. Yeesh!

NM nudges just enough. Not too much. Not to little (for my liking, anyways). And it has taught me about cholesterol (I miss egg yolks) and sodium (*sob* cottage cheese... who knew?), which no other site had the capability of teaching me.

My synopsis? Weight Watchers was a fabulous tool for getting me in the right mindset and teaching me about my capabilities. NutriMirror is the vehicle that will take me through the rest of my (now extended) life.

And on another post from this Goddess:

I'm with you on the focusing on the right areas. I'm slowly losing the weight, and fighting my inner IGG (Instant Gratification Girl). I don't know why it's a struggle. It hasn't been during this whole journey, but all of a sudden I'm impatient. Maybe because I'm so close now. I've lost 61 of the 78 that I originally intended.

I guess in the beginning it was so unreal to me that I could do it. That I would do it. I had to focus on the one pound at a time, because 78 is a ridiculously out there number. But now, it's only 17, and it's not so ridiculous. What's 17, when I've lost 61?? I want it NOW!!

No no no... must continue to lose at a healthy rate, in order to up the statistical chances of maintaining a healthy lifestyle and keeping the weight off. (pant pant pant)

Thanks for listening,


Friday, February 6, 2009

I'm going to kill him...

Teenagers. ARGH!!!!

Logan is in grade 10. Normally, a good student. However, he's now a teen. Which means his priorities are all fucked up. Social life seems to be the most important thing... to the detriment of his education. So much so that he is behind and failing in most of his classes. I knew he was behind, and have been coaching and supporting him in catching up.

Then... THEN... yesterday was no school. When he told me on Monday, I said "what? you had a ProD day last week!". Nothing.

I get in the car last night with my sister, and she starts telling me about her daughter (who is in a different high school, same district) 's student led conference. Light dawns. I ask Logan, he goes "Awwww" like he forgot or something. Then he tries pulling some bullshit about not knowing. That he didn't get the form to fill out, which reminds him.

I admit it, I lost my temper. Being talked to like I'm a complete moron pisses me off like nothing else. He's so grounded. Then he argues that he didn't know. So I told him, or actually I yelled at him that that's just fine, he's still grounded. But he's grounded for either a) trying to snow me, or b) for being completely retarded, but either way he's grounded. (I know, not politically correct, and not one of my shiny parenting moments, but there ya go)

This morning I decided, he is grounded until I have a list of all his teachers, a filled out student led conference form, and I have had communication with each of them. THEN he asks for his allowance! No bloody way! He gives me: I was just going to buy breakfast, the cereal you gave me was stale. I told him to go grab a peice of fruit, or another breakfast option, but he's not getting his allowance, he doesn't need it, he's grounded.

THEN he yells from the front door "well, when am I getting my allowance". I lost it. I came roaring out of my office "allowance is a privelege, not a fucking right. You have no rights right now. And you give me more attitude you will be grounded for the rest of your LIFE!!!"

He stormed out, quietly slamming the door. I'm sure I'm not his favourite person right now... but that's okay, he's not mine, either.

I am soooo looking forward to empty nesting.

Thanks for listening,


Thursday, February 5, 2009

Hey, I was mentioned AGAIN!!!

Woot! Check it out here!!

Thanks for listening,


A Blogger Needs Our Help

Anyone have any input here?

I have to admit, seeing my name on someone else's blog was a bit of a thrill. I'm so cheezy! LOL

Hungry, but I didn't cave...

Last night I was STARVING. Seriously, belly growling loudly hungry. I that piece of squirrely toast, but I cut it in half and made it into a sandwich with imitation crab in it for some protien. But come bedtime, I had such a hard time getting to sleep because my stomach was so loud.

But I refused to give in to it. I had planned my day, and I knew it was nutritionally sound for fuelling my body. I didn't need more.

I have a few more calories planned today, since I'm going for a Sun Run training run. I impressed myself last time by running for 18 minutes straight. I'm going to push for 20 today before a walking break. It's exciting to me to get back outside to do it! Yay for no more snow!!

Here's my fuel for today:

Br: 1/3 cup of porridge w/ 1 kiwi, 1/3 cup of pineapple, 2/3 cup almond breeze, splashes of vanilla, coconut and banana extracts, and a tablespoon each of roasted squash seeds (from last nights sketti squash) and toasted almonds. Plus milk and vitamin. (504 calories)

Ln: 1 serving of the sketti squash/buffalo leftover from last night, plus a half of a crab sandwich on squirrely bread (322 calories)

Sn: .5 cup plain fat free yogurt with a pear (165 calories)

Dn: 4 oz pork tenderloin with 2 tbls bbq sauce on a burgerfirst bun with a side of 1 cup steamed fresh green beans (483 calories)

That's a days total of 1473 calories.

Magda asked me what my resting caloric burn was in a day, on my previous post. It's 1664.

Because I am doing a walking/running thing today, it's telling me this:

for weight maintenance:

Calories Allowed 1938
Calories Consumed 1473
Net Calories 465

A high net calories number indicates that I am burning more calories than I eat, which could result in weight loss.

for weight goal:

Calories Allowed 1662
Calories Consumed 1473
Net Calories 189

I can eat more today and still stay on track toward my weight goal.


Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Holy Shrededness, Batman!!

I finally got up the guts to do level 2 of the Shred.

Anyone seen my shoulders? I haven't felt them for the past 20 minutes... which is good, because the agony I was feelin before that? Kinda glad it's gone.

Seriously, folks, that is one tough workout!!! Just when you think you are in shape, Jillian is there to laugh in your face. But I feel good. I feel energized! Or I will, when I get feeling back, anyways, I'm sure.

Say 16 of being OP, people!! Still going strong!

Here's today's schedule of fuels:

Br: 1/3 cup porridge oats, 2/3 cup almond breeze, 1/4 cup prunes, 1 kiwi, 1/3 cup pineapple, splash of vanilla, and my milk & vitamins (474 calories)

Lu: 3 oz pork tenderloin, 3/4 cup rice, 1/2 cup raw carrots (323 calories)

Sn: asian pear & 2 tbls PB2 (104 calories)

Dn: spaghetti sauce made with leftover buffalo burger, crushed tomatoes, broccoli, carrots, snow peas, mushrooms and onion, served over a cup of spaghetti squash (197 calories)

Hmmm, that's only 1098 calories for the day. I may add a toasted piece of squirrely bread for another 110 calories to my dinner. I don't want to have an after dinner snack, because I end up going crazy when I do that. I know my personal triggers and do my best to avoid or work around them.

Thanks for listening,


Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Biggest Loser = POPCORN!!

I don't know which I'm more excited about, the show or the popcorn... LOL. I am a big fan of both.

I was trying to figure out my meal plan so that I can account for the overindulgence of popcorn, when I realized that I make my own rules. So my rule for today is that I can go over my planned amount of calories that NutriMirror tells me I need to ingest in order to lose, as long as it is tracked, and I'm not going over the amount that it tells me I need to maintain. Sounds fair to me!

And considering this is day 15 (and the fans go wild!!) of being on plan, and I'm still in complete control, I'd say it's a win/win. I will do a run, in order to EARN that popcorn indulgence, and then chalk it up to I ROCKedness.

So, with that note of justification, here is my fuel for the day:

Br: 1/3 cup porridge oats, 1/3 cup pineapple, 1/2 cup almond breeze, 1/2 banana, 1 tblp PB2, and my milk & vitamins (362 calories)

Lu: 3oz pork tenderloin, 1/2 cup rice, 1 tblp low sodium soy sauce, 2oz spinach (267 calories)

Sn: asian pear, 2tbls PB2 (104 calories)

Dn: buffalo burger on Burger First bun, spinach salad (2oz spinach, 1/4 cup craisins, 1 tblsp asiago, 1 tablespoon vinigrette) (519 calories)

Sn: POPCORN!!! (570 calories) (I use margarine, with vanilla extract in it, on 10 cups popcorn :) yummy yummy yummy)

That's a total of 1823 calories for the day. Phew, that's high!! But, it's planned for, excercised for, and dammit, I'm eating it!!! LOL

Thanks for listening,


Monday, February 2, 2009

Gobblers Knob

My husband is currently laughing so hard that he is crying. He gets to the point where he stops, but then those residual giggles kick in and he's off laughing again.

All because of the fact that a groundhog lives in Gobblers Knob. Yep, my man is a complete juvenile.

He comes down the hall and he's laughing so hard, we have this conversation:

him "we have to go there!"
me "I don't think it's what you think it is"
him "will they nobble my gob?"
me "do you hear yourself?"
him "maybe they'll gobble my knob?"

Now he has ME laughing till I cry because of his "nobble my gob". Seriously hysterical.

Seriously, grade 2.


Yes it IS! And I'm still OP!!

I ended up figuring it out and then counting out a portion of 27 baked Doritos yesterday. I loved every crunchy bite, and felt WORLD's better for having them. Moderation versus deprivation. Yup. That's the answer.

And after everyone left, and the bowls of chips were still on the table, I didn't feel strong enough to even carry them to the garbage without dipping in. So I left them there and went to bed. Today they are still there, but getting staler by the minute. I hate stale chips. Before hubby comes home, I'll dispose of them and they will be gross and I won't even want to try one. Hey, it's dumb but whatever works, right?

Did I tell you my new motto? It's "I can be difficult, or I can be fat!". I found myself saying it twice on Saturday. The first time, Steve and I were out shopping. We were hungry. We stopped at a Tim Horton's/Wendy's. I went to TH to get us coffees, he went to Wendy's for a burger. I had a Weil bar in the car that I had bought earlier because I knew the hungry's would strike before our planned dinner date. So I'm sitting there with my coffee, in Wendy's watching him eat a double baconator, and I'm HUNGRY. All of a sudden, I couldn't take it anymore, so I asked him for the keys. I was going to go sit in the car and have my bar and wait for him, where it DIDN"T smell like bacon cheesy meaty goodness.

So I asked him for the keys, and he goes to hand me the burger. THE KEYS THE KEYS I'm yelling quietly at him. He is shuffling the burger back and forth frantically hand to hand because he has too many pockets and can hear my panic. He finds the keys and as he hands them to me, he says "you are difficult". My response: I can be difficult, or I can be fat. And with that, out I flounced.

Side note: I sat in the car, grabbed the bar, and made a big production out of it withmyself. Out loud saying things like: "I bought this bar because I knew this would happen. I am choosing my health. I am choosing me. This bar will be delicious AND nutritious and I am proud of myself for making a great choice. I will enjoy every bite of this bar for what it is." And with that, I did. I enjoyed every bite. It was fruity and nutty, filling and yummy. I did not pout as I ate it. I had bolstered myself up and was shining by the time hubby got back in the car.

THEN, at dinner, I ask for the nutrition binder. I get it, and I'm pouring over it when I look up and see Steve eyeing me with a gleam that says "you are so damn cute". Pffft! Out it comes again: I can be difficult, or I can be fat.

And that's the story of my new motto... lol. Please don't get the wrong impression. My husband is so incredibly supporting, and loving.

Okay, on to today! Can you believe it's February??? Can you believe I've now made it through TWO weekends in a row and stayed on plan?????? Can you believe that I've lost 4.8 pounds in the last month?? ( I had one gain, but the rest were losses)

Today's Eats:

Br: 1/2 cup porridge oats (see below for news on this), 1/4 cup prunes, 1/2 cup grapes, 1/2 cup almond breeze, milk & vitamins (416 Calories)

Lu: chili spinach salad. 2oz spinach, 1 cup chili, 2 tbls salsa, 1/4 cup plain ff yogurt (235 calories)

Sn: asian pear w/ pb2 (104 calories)

Dn: 4 oz pork tenderloin w/ salsa & asiago, rice, asparagus (369 calories)

That's a total of 1124 calories for the day.

See at breakfast I had porridge oats? I went to the grocery store last night and found this magnificent thing! It's Oat Flakes, Oat Bran, Wheat Bran, and Flaxseed! Just that smidge more nutrition than regular oatmeal, for the same cost. I liked it! A little chewier than oatmeal.

Thanks for listening,


Sunday, February 1, 2009

Posting instead of eating

I'm hiding in my office right now. My family is all out in the living room. So are the chips. I found myself dipping my hand into the baked doritos and stuffing five in my mouth... so I came in here to distract myself and give myself a pep talk, and revisit my strength.

No damage done, because I've only eaten 980 calories for the day, but I will need a snack/small meal later. I had a good workout skating, so I'm pretty happy with that. The chili I made is really lean and under 200 calories for a cup. I had a cup with two weiners, 1/4 cup of medium cheddar cheese, and a squirt of mustard. No bun, and I'm good with it. I don't feel deprived at all. Except for the chips.


Thanks for listening,


Bragging all the time... but secretly...

This is TOUGH.

I know I'm totally bragging on here, but I want to admit up front that it is pure bravado. This staying OP on the weekends is hard work!!

I'm sitting here figuring out chili cheese dog day, and having a wee pity party, because I don't have room for chips. And there are going to be bowls of chips here. Sigh.

Will I win? Will I be strong? I want to say yes. I HAVE to say yes. I HAVE to say I will ROCK this. Because if I don't put on that bravado front, the doubt will creep in. Fat me will stick her hand in the bowl and shovel chips in as fast as she can.

That's my reality. I fake it till I make it. 13 days, so far, when I get through today.

*whimper* but it's hard.

Thanks for listening,