If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Wednesday Thoughts

Over on Escape from Obesity, she suffered a binge last night. And she blogged while in the grips of it. Very powerful stuff. This morning, she blogged about how she faced herself in the mirror and took a good long look at herself and said "you don't look any fatter than you did this morning" (or something like that).

This totally gobsmacked me.

When I have binged, whether on purpose or in the grips of insanity, I suffer the same mental game. I avoid looking in the mirror, because I don't want to see my stomach distended, bloated from my sins. In my mind, I look like I did back two years ago. I can't face myself in the mirror, until I've had a couple of days of eating clean, because I cannot bear to see myself looking like that again. I hide from my shame until I have done something about it.

She looked at herself and faced her reality. And it wasn't so bad. She was NOT huge again.

Which is a mind fuck to me. Which is healthier for me? Hiding out from myself until I'm back in control and can see my progress? Or facing myself and really looking and seeing that it doesn't do the damage I think it does. What scares me is that without that fear, will I do it more often? Will I shrug and think, it's okay, I'm no fatter than I was this morning? Will it create a level of compacency that I fight every day? Is it better to have this irrational fear, and just work like mad to wear off the insanity binge?

Makes one wonder, doesn't it?

Well, the good news is, PMS is gone for another month. I can feel the chocolate releasing its grip on me. This is my third OP day. I'm in a competition with other ladies on the WW site, to see who can stay OP the longest.

Today is a good day.

Here is my fuel de jeur:

Br: PB & B Oatmeal again (see all week's oatmeal), milk & vitamins (404 calories)

Lu: celery stick w/ guacamole & leftover chicken stirfry (180 calories)

Sn: asian pear & pb2 (104 calories)

Dn: Italian meatloaf, small fries, salad w/ guac (472 calories)

That's a total of 1161 calories for the day. I haven't entered my excercise for the day, so haven't allotted for those calories, which I will probably be eating. At least another 200. Depending on if I'm hungry or not. I have a pretty good day of eats with lots of protein to keep me full.

I've adjusted my daily percentage of fats. Having excema, I need more oils in my system. I take two capsules of fish oil a day, and try and get nuts or avocado in every day, too, or olive oil. But I need more. I was always going over in my fats on NutriMirror. So I've adjusted it so that my breakdown is like this:

Carbs - 45%
Protein - 20%
Fats - 35%

We'll see how that goes. I'm a meatavor, so I may raise my protein and lower my carb.

My actuals today say:

Carbs - 38%
Protein - 21%
Fat - 41%

But considering my menu, with the Italian meatloaf, two salmon oil pills, two servings of guacamole... not suprised. I'm also not willing to give any of it up.

Workouts today? Well, I will be doing Bob's Boot Camp tonight, which is a great heavy workout. And I'll do something at noon. Not sure what. Maybe the Denise Austin Dance routine. Or maybe I'll pull out a belly dancing and do that. Yeah, that's what I'll do!

Have a super OP day,



Squishy ! said...

Is the Boot Camp video safe for people who are insane about everyone moving in time with one another, and concise instruction? :o )

♥ Dee ♥ said...


I think so. I have only done it once, and was horribly out of step, myself, a few times, so I didn't really notice.

Most of the contestants on there are in their slimmer stages, which (and yes, I'm going to hell for saying this) makes them more coordinated and able to keep up.

The only thing I found completely pissed me off was seeing Heba and Vicky, those bitches. Vicky makes my blood boil, and Heba is a close second. But having Michelle there almost made up for it.


mom2many06 said...

Being slimmer doesn't make you more coordinated. Were you there when you and I were playing DDR? Coordinated, I think NOT. Flailing fool, now that's reality!

Anonymous said...

great post! glad chocolate is releasing his grip- he has me by a strangle hold right now.

it's sounds so bad to be motivated by fear but nothing keeps me on track like it. i KNOW a cookie won't really hurt me but if i let myself really believe it, you bet i'll eat one everyday until suddenly i'm +5 lbs!