If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.
Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".
This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
I find it so hard, after an indulgent weekend, to get back into the healthy swing of things. And yesterday was no exception. I planned my meals for the day, pulled chicken breast out for dinner last night, had it all worked out. Then, when I left for work I see the chicken isn't defrosted yet. Damn. So from work I decided to say fuckit and ordered chinese food. Helloooo sodium. Pffft.
I'm so bloated, I cannot even tell you. Between the dim sum soup of Sunday night, and the dinner last night, I could barely do my ab workout. I felt so fat, it was disgusting. I'm afraid to jump on the scale. I know it's going to reflect an inaccurate weight, based on the swimming pools worth of water I'm holding. Okay, maybe a Mr. Turtle pool, but still.
Biggest Loser tonight! Popcorn tonight!! Mummy is coming tonight!!! Three of my FAVOURITE things, all in one night. Such a lucky girl! Maybe life will really love me and Ron will go home tonight! lol
My excema is itchy today, and I can't figure out why... oh. Maybe it's a healthy oil thing. I don't think I've been really getting too many. Hmm. I'll have to keep an eye on that. I take my 1000 mg of fish oil a day, but having excema I definately need more than that.
I think I'll do a crock pot something or other for dinner tonight. I'm driving out to Tswassen to pick mom up from the ferry, and am not sure of the timing yet. It depends if my BIL needs me to pick up my neice. Either way, crockpot always equals yumminess. I saw a cool red beans and rice recipe I'm contemplating.
Okay, I'm off to work. Ya'll have a great day.
Oh and sorry for the lack o' pictures. My stupid camera batteries are dead and while it's stupdily easy to change them, I just haven't gotten around to it yet. :)
Thanks for listening,
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 29, 2009
My sister is the artsy crafty type. I am what can only be described as... not. I cannot even go into Michael's craft store, for fear of the anxiety attack I had last time I was sent in there on an errand. I mean with full blown hyperventilating, hysterical crying, the whole shebang. Seriously embarrassing. It's a freakin craft store for crissakes. But, my anxiety apparently does not understand humiliation, just irrational fear. It cannot be reasoned with. Trust me, I tried.
So, having painted the scene, imagine my "delight" when my sister says that it's been a dream of hers for seven years to have a Crankpots party. What is Crankpots, you ask? It's a pottery place. One of those do it yourself decorating places. Sam's dream consists of a set, with a piece done by each of her peeps. She chose a teapot, and venti mugs. I did a mug. And I ended up having a brilliant good time!
At first, the panic was palatable, though, I gotta tell ya. Until I had an idea of what I was going to do, an action plan, and a stencil or two, I was freaking OUT. Deep breaths, asking instructions a few times, and reading the instruction page over and over helped. A few clarifications, a stencil of a frog, and I was off!
My mug sounds totally dumb, but I'm excited to see it when it's done. I own an orange little car, with tree frog stickers in all the windows, on the seats, steering wheel, license plate holder, shoulder strap protectors, and rearview mirror. So I did an orange mug with a frog stencilled on it, in teal, outlined in black. Then up one side of the handle I stencilled "Success", and up the other "Believe". I hope it doesn't look too third grade once it's glazed and kilned.
I would have pics, but my stupid camera died. Poo.
We were good toads, too... we brought veggies, dip, hummus, whole wheat crackers, cheese strings, shrimp and fat free dip to Crankpots. Then we decided on the way home to grab salad, a chicken and fixins and have supper. All healthy. I grabbed portobello mushrooms and shrimp and sauteed it for on top of my salad greens with a couple ounces of chicken boob. I topped it off with a tablespoon of light olive oil vinegrette. I was happy with my choices.
Then... someone made a DQ run. I was GOING to be good. I said NO THANKS first. But then they took so long to get out the door, that my interal fat bitch had time to win the battle and actually CHASED them, waving money, yelling "PEANUT BUSTER PARFAIT, PEANUT BUSTER PARFAIT".
Needless to say, I spent a good portion of time on the toilet later that night. My healthy body does not appreciate the fatfull full sugar goodness that is a peanut buster parfait HALF as much as my tastebuds do. And why I ate those whole grain tortilla chips after? I don't fucking know. They were there. Nuff said. Get off my back, willya??
Actually, overall, I'm totally okay with it... lol. I ate very very well during the day, starting with a smart breakfast of oatmeal, so it was an evening of indulgence, not an entire day. And it's not like I don't have the wiggle room, for crissake. I woke up this morning weighing 146.6. Considering my goal weight is 147, not so bad. I work damn hard to maintain this body, and not go back to being fat. The struggle is realizing that one night of indulgent eating does not a fat bitch make. Weeks on end of such behaviour does. Days on end will eventually. Two days? Not so much. I only ever go two days, then hop right back into my routines.
My boss Kerri really put it into perspective for me with her talk about living her life in a perpetual state of maintaining. When it comes to housework, work work, weight management, everything. She hates spending an entire day cleaning a messy house. So fifteen minutes a day to maintain it is what she does. As far as her weight, she said to me "losing weight is one of the hardest things I've done, and I don't want to do it again, so I work to maintain it". She's right. 30 minutes a day of moving, and ten minutes to plan your menu, and you don't have to work so fucking hard to lose. I love that thought process.
Today I go to the airport and pick up my mommy. My broken mommy. She has a busted ankle. Sammy and I are picking her up, taking her for lunch, then some shopping, and then dropping her at the Tswassen ferry, where she will be picked up on the other side by our cousin. Mom has appointments in Victoria Monday and Tuesday to see the sleep apnea doctor and the anastesiologist. When they have given their approval, a surgery date will be set for the gastrobypass. Gah.
I'm still not convinced that this is the best option, but mom seems to be grasping it as a lifeline. And reality is, she is NOT me, and I cannot expect her to have the same willpower I do. I have a hard time with that because I relate so damn much of who I am with her, that when I can do something she can't it slaps me. But I guess reality is that some of my genes had to come from my sperm donor. I just always forget about him, lol.
I'm scared to death of mom's surgery. I'm scared to death that she will not make it through. I'm scared to death that it will be a temporary solution and that the physical changes will have no effect on the mental issues that keep her at the weight she is, and stop her from doing the diet and excercise choices that would make the surgery unnecessary.
But, it's not my body. It's not my life. It's not my choice. I support her in her choices, even if I don't agree with them. Even if they scare the piss out of me.
Whoa, this got deep. And with that I'm done.
Thanks for listening,
Friday, March 27, 2009
Thursday, March 26, 2009
When receiving this award, you must list 7 things you love and pass the award on to 7 bloggers. My list of loves goes like this (in no particular order)...
- my family
- my lifestyle
- my dogs
- my friends
- my home
And Seven Bloggies who deserve this honour?
Escape from Obesity
Fatinah - My life part deux
Operation Size 8
My Super Sweet 26
On the Threshold of Greatness
Thanks for listening,
And I took pics, like a good little bloggy!!
And then home again to my yummilicious italian sausage burger and spinach salad with a Mediterranian Vinegrette. Does life get any better? I think not...
For breakfast it's an egg white sandwich with bacon and asiago, served with a half orange, milk and vitamins.
Lunch is a tuna sandwich, but instead of mayo, I used guacamole. Throw a sliced dill on there, carrots on the side, and call it lunch! Yummy yummy yummy!
Dinner tonight is Italian burgers. I take a pound each of bison and mild italian sausage and smoosh it together and sizzle those badboys on the George Forman. Serve it on a Burger First bun, and you have a happy me, for a fraction of the caloric cost of the burgers in restaurants. I'll probably have spinach on the side.
I'm going rock climbing (on a wall) today (eeep!!), so am pretty nervous right now.
1) Since I'm on NutriMirror, and work to keep everything in the green and thereby nourishing my body properly nutritionally, I don't have cravings (except at PMS time for chocolate, but that doesn't count). It was asked in a post on NM, and made me stop and think. Nope, I don't have cravings anymore. Wild.
2) Since maintaining I have lost three pounds. Pfft! I jumped on the scale this morning to see 144.0. Time to up the calories a little bit I'm thinkin. Truth be told, it's hard to get so many calories in when you eat so clean. And I don't WANT to add mayo and shit back into my diet. I like fueling my body cleanly. I like the way it makes me feel. But one can only eat so many helpings of freggies!
Thanks for listening,
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
3 chicken breasts, cut into bite size pieces
1 large can of diced "no salt added" tomatoes
1 packet of 50 gram Indian Butter Chicken, Spice Paste for Poultry, mild (Asian Home Gourmet)
1 cup plain fat free yoghurt
1/2 small box whole wheat linguine
I browned the meat, slopped in the tomatoes, dumped in the packet. Cooked the linguine while it simmered for 20 minutes. Threw it all together and mixed in the yogurt. Voila.
I remain... the queen of shortcuts.
It makes 6 cups:
Serving Size 1 cup
Total Fat 2.6 g
Saturated Fat 0.6 g
— Trans Fat 0 g
Cholesterol 35 mg
Sodium 361 mg
Total Carbohydrate 32 g
Dietary Fiber 4 g
— Sugars 9 g
Protein 21 g
Vitamin A 239 µg
Vitamin C 22 mg
Calcium 117 mg
Iron 3 mg
And of course it tastes WAY better the next day. Using the large can of tomatoes really tones down the spice (I read it after and the packet is for half the amount of ingredients I used).
My epiphany is around the word "lifestyle". When I first started the journey, I was adamant about using the word lifestyle. I was not on a diet. I was creating a lifestyle. Blah blah blah blah, talky talky the talk. But looking back on that poor delusional soul, I know she had NO idea what that really meant.
It sounded good. I mean, after all, we all know that diets don't work. That you have to create a lifestyle, because if you go on a diet and then revert back to the way you always ate, you'll put the weight all back on, and it will bring friends. We all know this.
But I tell you, there is now way, back then, that I could have forseen the truth in this statement. And it reaffirms for me just how powerful words are. You see, I had no idea. But I kept talking the talk. And every day I inched forward on my goal. There were days I didn't. Hell, there were WEEKS that I declared a food vacation and ate willy nilly. (one at a time, though... never weeks on end) But I still always maintained that I was not on a diet, I was creating a lifestyle.
Fast forward and here I am today. I'm at my goal weight. I'm maintaining that weight. And I'm doing it successfully. Know why? I'll tell you why... I created a lifestyle. Yup yup I did!
I eat NO differently today than I did two months ago, when I was still on that weight loss journey. I eat the same foods. I eat at the same times. I make the same healthy choices (90% of the time). I drink the same water. I have the same excercise schedule. Everything is exactly the same EXCEPT for 500 measly little calories. That's it! So on my salad instead of one tablespoon of asiago, now I can indulge and have two. I can add almonds to my oatmeal. I can incorporate a tablespoon of healthy oil, too! I have an extra 500 calories to play with in my budget. But that is IT.
I don't eat mountains of cream puff madness. I don't gorge at buffets like I used to. I created, over time, a lifestyle that I enjoy and can maintain. Mainly because I worked so damn hard to live it every day for two years.
Don't get me wrong... it was definately a morphing beast. In the beginning I ate the same foods I always did, just in proper portions (boy THAT was a shock and a half). Then for the next year I found every 100 calorie pack and diet yoghurt and fat free product I could wrap my grubby little hands around, to get the most bang for my caloric buck. Then the next half year was wrapping my head around eating "clean" and actually listening to my body's needs. Since then it's been tweaking the clean eating, and learning to enjoy my body at the level it's at today. And now it's doing what I've been doing, and enjoying the little perks here and there.
But overall, nothing has changed. Crazy, huh?
This is why you have to love what you are doing. If you are eating a food because you "should" and really are not enjoying it, is it going to become a lifestyle you can maintain? No. But if you just find a whole other level of foods to enjoy, then live in the moment, THAT is sustainable. Does that make sense?
It does to me. Today. Back at the beginning, I never would have beleived me, though. But just saying the words got me through, until they became my current reality.
I pretty much suck at it. So in true "me" fashion, I'm not committing to it! I will take pics when I remember, and not stress out when I don't... lol.
I had an AMAZING dinner last night. Michelle (my workout buddy) invited us over. She made chicken breast stuffed with cheese, spinach and stuffing (made with water, not egg or oil) and baked in the oven. Baby potatoes in olive oil and seasoning and salad wrapped it up. I took a small plate and enjoyed it all. Then for dessert I had brought over an angel food cake, canned peaches (in pear juice, not syrop) and whipped cream. Yummy yummy yummy. And no damn pics!!!
I had PMS popcorn for Biggest Loser (which was freakin AWESOME. I don't like Tara, but I was glad she did what she did. She deserved it. And booo that Ron is still there.).
Breakfast and lunch were oatmeal and leftover butter chicken. Nothing spectacular.
Tonight I am meeting up with a bunch of folks from High School. I am so incredibly nervous. I have blocked SO much of my childhood... I am embarrassed sometimes when faced with situations I don't remember. (it happened again last night with a stupid little thing, but I was burning up inside with embarassment that I couldn't remember it)
Hopefully things go well. I'm sure they will...
Thanks for listening,
Monday, March 23, 2009
The cold is almost gone. I stayed hopped up on cold meds all weekend, which killed most of it off. But this is a persistant bugger. It's still lingering a little bit. As a result I have not worked out since last Wednesday. Or was it Tuesday? I don't even know... sad.
Friday was the usual working all day. I hopped on the scale, only to have it say I was 149.0 lbs. Gak! The only reason EVER to wish for your period, I tell ya. It came, and by Sunday my weight was down to 145.2. Phew!
Saturday was the best day I have had in a super long time. I had so much girl time with my extra special peeps. It was so awesome! And a fun date evening with the whole gang to go see an improv show. Then hanging out in Denny's afterwards. So much fun!
By the time we got to Denny's it was 9pm, and I had about 500 calories left in my day to spend. I ordered the chicken fajita meal, but I ditched the tortillas (white flour yuck) and just ate the chicken and veggies. Can you believe it was served with hashbrowns covered in bacon and cheese??? I had one bite then gave the rest to my husband to finish. I was super proud of myself for my ordering and eating. Mind you, it was greasy as hell, but it coulda been soooo much worse!
Sunday was an easy day. I layed on the couch for pretty much all of it, except one bout of grocery shopping. I indulged and had popcorn for lunch (he he he) and pizza for dinner. It was heavenly.
Today has been game on. I'm back on the healthy eating bandwagon and had PLANNED to work out tonight, but Michelle called to postpone and still hasn't called to get together. It's after 8pm now, so I think I'll call it a night and consider it my last day of rest.
I had to take pics for work, so when I got all dressed up for our Saturday date, I had Logan take some shots of me. Most were awful, but a couple were keepers. This one I've posted... it's a keeper, but it makes me take a step back. I've been talking a lot lately about having to reconcile that 40 year old woman in the mirror. This pic is exactly that. A 40 year old woman. Holy shit. I'm looking my age. And it makes me want to cry. I don't feel like I have an old lady neck, but I certainly do. Sam mentioned one time about a colleague of hers who could tell a woman's age by her neck. You can certainly see mine, can't you? Gah.
Breakfast was great. I had a 1/2 cup of dry cottage cheese with a half of a ginormous orange.
Lunch was not so great, plus I forgot pics. I did an english muffin with fat free cream cheese and jam, a homeade muffin a little later, and a cup of carrots.
Snack was 3/4 cup yogurt with 1/4 cup flax pumpkin granola and a tablespoon of chocolate chips.
Dinner was butter chicken with spinach salad.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Today I had an epiphany. One does NOT need to take as much cold medication when one is 147 pounds as one did when one was 208 pounds. No. It's bad. It makes your heart race and feel like you are going to have it explode out your chest and go for a zip around the block. Not fun. Note to self. ONE pill. ONE.
I am now coming down off that high and am a little scared to take my meds now.I think I'll wait a couple hours and take another one. It's almost 1 now, and I took the 2 at 8 this morning. Tylenol cold daytime pills. What a trip!
So here are the foods from yesterday... oh but first! I giggled this morning (although now I think about it this was while I was super baked) when I turned around from my desk and say Oscar's little feets sticking out of the blanket, up the back of the couch (I have a sheet on it, no the couch is not that ugly. It's actually a futon. Feets and nose. Too cute! Reminds me of when I was a kid and the phone attached on the downstairs wall had a long cord and I could lay on the floor with my legs up the wall.
So sad that noone under the age of 30 will have a clue what I'm referring to. Phone attached to wall? Cord??
Breakfast is oatmeal. 1/2 a banana, 1/2 tablespoon almonds, teaspoon dark chocolate chipits. Milk and vitamins. Add echinacea. 324 calories.
Lunch was the pita pizza again. I love them, but I'm glad that today is the last one. yesterdays had the two kinds of olives, chopped up brussel sprouts, tofu and cheese for 378 calories.
And then the doorbell rang! Woot! UPS!! PB2 in da HOUSE!!
Dinner time and I'm not feelin foody. As I'm chatting with Magda on the phone and rummaging in the cupboards, I come out with Cock Soup. Mag thought I was making it up but it really is! I buy it in the ethnic aisle at Super Store, and it's sooo good. Spicy good.
I originally bought it to make my boys giggle, but it turned out to be a family favourite. Tonight I added in a swack of veggies, like broccoli, edamame, celery, and carrot, to bulk it out with nutrition. I had a sandwich made on the Black Russian Rye bread. It was fat free cream cheese, avocado and sprouts. Delish! 457 calories.
After dinner I ended up making popcorn for another 570 calories, and having a glass of milk mixed with almond breeze, adding another 74 calories. I ended my day at 1943 which is a couple hundred over, but I couldn't really care less. TOM has arrived, too, so I'm not feeling too caring about much, lol.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
When I started WW, I struggled with this. Then I read one of the cliche phrases that said "What I eat in private shows in public". Whoa. That really floored me. It was one of those reality slaps upside the head. Who the hell am I kidding by eating that McDonald's on the way home to cook dinner, then my dinner with the family? But more importantly, who am I sabotaging?
It was a total eye opener when I realized that nobody cared. Seriously, noone did! There IS no food police to come and arrest you and throw you in jail because you ate an extra whatever.
And besides that, what does it say? It says "shows in public". Ha! You may not SEE the burrito I slammed, but you will see my clothes get tighter. But you will have no idea why, will you, because you never saw me eating those things. *raises eyebrows* Um, hello?
One of the posters over there responded to the thread with this:
I used to do this, and it's one of the things i went to a counsellor about. I would tell her i cheated and binged on something. She explained that it wasn't "cheating", that i am a grown woman who made a decision to eat something. It's not bad, it's just a choice.
When i really heard what she was saying, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It is okay to have treats. It's okay to go overboard and then get back on track. We're human, and aren't perfect.
My counsellor said some people can eat something and think to themselves "meh, that was more than i needed" then just cut back on their next meal. They don't dwell on how they failed and make it a bigger deal than it is. When you realize you didn’t "cheat" or do anything "bad", you just ate more than you should, it makes it easier to deal with (for me anyways) and makes it easier to get back on track.
So, of course, this obviously made me self look. And you know what? I do still closet eat on occasion. But 90% of the time, I have the calories for it, but I'm hiding it because I don't want any raised eyebrows. I will buy a bag of chips from the store and and an ice cream sandwich that I will eat on the way home. Then I'll sit on the couch with Steve and eat the chips, saying NOTHING about the ice cream.
Why? Why do I do that? What is the fucking point? I mean really, what's the worst that can happen? Is Steve going to throw his hands up in the air and scream "that's it, I can't take it anymore I'm leaving you because of that ice cream sandwich". Yeah, right. If he didn't leave me at 208 pounds of blubber, he ain't leavin this little hottie trophy wife of his over a stupid ice cream.
I think it's becasue I talk so fucking loudly about eating clean and nutritional choices, that when I do decide to indulge, I feel guilty, like I'm not setting a good example. You know what? I honestly DO care what people think, even if I shouldn't. And I know I can be the example that shows that you can live healthy, indulge occasionally, and be normal (eep, normal... there's that dratted word again). But you know what I mean. I can be a shining example of moderation.
And yet... I still do it. I know the logic. I talk the talk. I walk the walk 98% of the time. And I always log on NM my choices. I'm accountable to myself always. I am just not always accountable to the people in my life. Hell, I'm more accountable on HERE than I am walking home scarfing that dark chocolate bar with burnt almond chunks. I tell you all about them. But I don't tell my husband or son.
I guess I don't want to disappoint anyone. Even if they truly do not care.
Thanks for listening,
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
This cold is pissing me right OFF. Either hit me hard and be done or fuck off and be done. This lingery bullshit is bullshit.
Sick of me whining yet? Yeah, me too. I hate being negative. Read my posts! I'm usually Mary Sunshine!
Today's food could only be defined as "comfort food". Which sadly puts my cholesterol, sodium and saturated fats into the red zones, despite staying well under my caloric budget. pfftt. Don't care.
(okay I care a little bit)
Breakfast was one whole egg (a special treat) with a quarter cup egg whites, a slice of dry Black Russian Rye toast, milk and vitamins. That egg is what shot my cholesterol into the red. 341 calories.
Lunch was the infamous Pita Pizza. Today's had comfort bacon on it. And not back bacon (or as my American friends call it "Canadian bacon"). I'm talkin real bacon. Plus tofu, mushrooms, black and green olives. Also, this time I cut it into six pieces. You know what? The mind is dumb. I felt like I was eating WAY more with it being in six pieces. 492 calories.
The planned snack was a cut up apple with a 1/2 cup pineapple, 1/2 cup plain fat free yoghurt, and 1/4 cup flax pumpkin granola. 288 calories.
The unplanned snack, thus the one not pictured was the leftover popcorn from last night. Nothing like stale popcorn to make you feel better. Pffffft. 88 calories.
Can anyone tell me why the HELL this last bit all bunches together now matter HOW many f*cking spaces I put between each *&^%$ paragraph????????????????
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
"Learn & Burn" (but only the "Burn" part which is 20 minutes) (30min) - The perfect workout to get you started. Helps target your core for maximum results.
"Turbo Sculpt" (40min) - Tighten and tone using Chalene Johnson's signature moves to obtain sculpted abs, glutes, arms and legs.
These were perfect. I worked my body HARD but did not need the lung capacity that an aerobic workout requires.
Feeling awesome, and I can definately sing Biggest Loser song tonight!
On the cold front (ha ha) life sucks ass. I have a nice cough that has decided to settle into my lungs. My nose isn't completely blocked, only half, which is a blessing and a curse. Cuz the half that isn't blocked is running. That's always pleasant. Pfffft.
Last night's workout was preeeetty much a joke. I need a tape called "Half Assed Workout For When You Don't Want to Move But Know You Should". I'd totally buy that shit. No jumping, no fast moves. Just light weights with low impact stepping. Yep, I'd totally buy that shit.
The good news is my appetite is not affected. Although... now that I think about it, maybe it is. This is PMS week which usually means I'm constantly hungry. I cannot get enough food into me. But that's not the case right now. I'm normal hungry instead of super hungry. Huh. Look, a silver lining to this cold. *grin*
Okay, on to the goods:
Breakfast is almost a repeat of yesterday... 200 grams of fresh pineapple, an orange (for vitamin C), 1/2 cup dry cottage cheese, and a dry slice of Black Russian Rye toast with milk and vitamins for 391 calories.
Lunch again was Pita Pizza. Today's had mushrooms, tofu, spinach, tomato, and cheese. It was a decadent 341 calories.
Snack was my old standby, apple with PB2. Speaking of which, I sure hope my order comes soon! I am scraping the jar and will have to use Logan's PB2 w/chocolate, which I really don't prefer! Or real peanut butter, which I have, but is WAY to greasy for me now. And I have the Just Peanuts! No added crap! Holy oily, Batman! Anywho, snack was 125 calories.
Dinner was a lesson in how you can balance out your day and still have the odd indulgence. Not a speck of nutrition or cleanness in Kraft Dinner, but yep, that's what you see there! Salmon, 1/2 cup KD, and a swack of cauliflower put me at 308 calories AND kept me in the green (you NM users will appreciate that).
Snack tonight is popcorn. WOOT WOOT!!!! I had planned for PMS popcorn for 690 calories, but then decided that I'm going to have butter and white cheddar popcorn seasoning instead. I'm not feeling the chocolate (which I totally should be, seeing as how I'm pmsing but whatever). Plus the PMS popcorn calls for PB2, and I dont' have enough. *sad face*
Monday, March 16, 2009
I must admit, I had an awesome day yesterday, despite spending the whole thing laying on the couch. I listened all day to the last three months worth of Jillian's podcasts. She's so awesome.
I had a bunch of pics from the last few days, but I decided fuck it... I don't have time to upload, sort and blurb for each of them. Suffice it to say that while I did not eat the most healthy options this weekend, I did stay within my caloric budget. And I'm good with that.
On Friday Logan used the last of the coloured gels in his hair, so I saved this pic just to complete the set. Unfortunately, green doesn't take as well to the uncoloured section of his hair like the red and blue did. I think the blue was my favourite.
Breakfast today was fresh cut pineapple (god, I love pineapple) with dry cottage cheese. Yep, you heard me right. Dry cottage cheese? Why? Because I goddamn MISS cottage cheese but with over 400 mg of sodium per 1/2 cup it's not worth it to me. But dry cottage cheese has like 15 mg of sodium. Ha! And it wasn't so bad at all, actually. I served it with a dry slice of Black Russian Rye bread (omg good) and milk & vitamins for a total of 442 calories.
Lunch this week will consist of Pita Pizzas. Oh yeah! Today's lovely creation had pizza sauce, pineapple, capers, tofu, mushrooms, spinach, caroway seeds, oregano, mozza & asiago cheeses. A delicious 352 calories! (when you consider what a pizzaria pizza costs you in calories... crazy!)
Snack was more pineapple, with fat free plain yogurt, flax pumpkin granola and chocolate chips. A sweet indulgence that came in at 230 calories.
Dinner tonight was cheeky. I was driving past 7-11 and they have a deal on right now for two hot dogs for 2.49. Well, I had been looking to use up some leftovers, and one of them is chili! So I stopped by Sev and picked up six hot dogs. I put cheese and onions on the boys' and left mine plain. A quarter cup of bison chili and a side salad of spinach with ranch and I'm a happy camper with my 672 calories. And boy were Steve and Logan impressed and happy, lol!!
Now, I'm about to head out for my workout with Michelle. I'm going to take it fairly easy. I don't want to blow my immunse system up right now. This cold could be gone in two days if I do this right. As it is right now I'm within my caloric budget, so a workout is gravy. (not literally. I'm not gonna eat a bowl of gravy.)
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Yesterday, btw, was a fun filled day of shopping, chinese food for dinner, pizza for breakfast, and Subway for lunch. Snacking on veggies during cards, rounded it out. I still stayed within my caloric range, though. Sorta. I think I was over by like 9 calories or something stupid like that. Just not a nutritionally sound day. :)
Thanks for listening,
Saturday, March 14, 2009
I snapped a coupla pics, but then things went sideways towards a half a dark chocolate & almond bar and a half a peanut butter sandwich on white bread. Which, I have to say... not so great. Definately not a ten, but I was hungry so I ate it anyways.
Dinner last night, I didn't have time to hit Subway, so I ended up eating a bowl of wor wonton soup at my work. Jees, is that shit ever awesome. Silverhouse makes the BEST flavoured wonton. So yummy. And the wor wonton has four large succulent shrimps, about 3 oz of chicken breast meat, 8 wontons, one piece of bbq pork, and a swack of broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms, carrots, onions and baby corn. All crisp and fresh. So delicious. I add soy sauce to my broth, because I like how it enhances the flavour. I DON't like how it enhances the scale.
Yesterday morning I weighed myself and I was at 147.4. I'm looking to hover between 145 - 148. So very pleased with my first week of learning to balance my new life of maintenance, and calorie balancing & excercising for longevity versus weight loss. Then I hopped on this morning, and I'm at 149.2. Sodium is not my friend.
My froat is sore. Dammit. I work so hard to not get sick. So when I do, I take it quite personally. This is day 2. And I feel worn right out this morning, too. I woke up at 3am, and just dozed all night after that. I don't know why I had such a hard time sleeping. I can't feel my throat as long as I breathe thru my nose, which I can do, don't swallow, and don't cough. Steve's snoring drove me insane. I hate that. Normally it doens't bother me, because he doesn't snore loudly, but just his deep breathing and light snoring when I can't sleep makes me want to punch him hard in the face. Repeatedly.
Today I hit the grocery store. Time to stock up on lunch stuff for the coming week, and plan out dinners and grab all that I need. Veggie store, for sure. So much cheaper than the grocery store. I love that we have a year round farmers market. Not everything is local, but everything is cheap. And I buy local if it's an option. I feel like I'm forgetting something that I wanted to get. I keep thinking I need to go to Costco, but I don't know what for. Maybe it will come to me.
Tonight I am having tea with my sister and my grandbabymomma. I'm really looking forward to hanging out and playing cards with them. I'm thinking I'm going to pick up a veggie tray so we have snackies.
It's funny... my mindset seems to have shifted over the last week. It's like... I don't want to indulge really, even though it is the weekend, because this is who I am. This is the way I eat. I am a healthy person, who eats healthy most of the time, excercises regularily, and does my best to maintain a great body internally and externally.
It's different because even two weeks ago I felt like someone who STRUGGLED to get healthy, who ate healthy in order to "get there", and who excercised to hurry the process of getting healthy.
Why was it suprising to me this week, when I worked my ASS off, and I didn't have muscle soreness? My muscles are strong. I am healthy. It shocked me. I know, weird, right? Two weeks ago I probably would have thought "I need to do a tougher workout", but this week I understand that I did work out hard. It shows in that I ate 500 more calories a day, and maintained my weight. Because I'm healthy, and I'm working to remain healthy.
I had a convo with one of my bosses, and she helped clarify the word maintenance and take the "bad word" aspect away for me. You see, I was freaked out by the word because to me it meant standing still vs being on a journey. I thrive on my journey. I love moving forward. Standing still means stagnating to me, and I was wigged right out by that. But Kerri said to me that she lives to maintain. She never wants to be unhealthy again, so she works a little bit each day to maintain where she is at. She hates when her house is clean, so she works a little bit each day to maintain it. Her whole life is around maintaining. This way she never has to work really hard at anything difficult. She just has to do a little bit every day. I was all like "huh". She says "losing weight is one of the hardest things to do, isn't it?" Yep. "Well, do you want to do that again?" Hells to the NO! So a little bit each day... it's not stagnant. It's not standing still, mired in the sameness. It's hovering and puttering forward to a life of longevity. THAT is what I can do.
So yes, I'll say it now. I am maintaining. And so far, I'm doing a damn good job of it. Thank god for NutriMirror. I tell you, when I tried maintaining on Core, I learned fast (well, in six weeks) that I cannot trust my body to tell me when it's had enough. But with still tracking my calories and nutritional intake, and my workouts, I am able to maintain very healthily. And I have allowed indulgences and stayed within my caloric budget. I ate mayo on a sandwich. I had a grilled cheese (damn you, you know who you are). I ate a chocolate bar. I had popcorn TWICE this week. And I maintained my weight.
Okay, I could probably keep blathering but I'll stop now. You need to get on with your day, and so do I.
You know how I sign off with "thanks for listening"? So you know, I really do mean it. While I don't necessarily write for you, I like knowing that someone out in the universe is listening to me. Ya'll may think I'm crazy sometimes. Hell, so do I. But the compassion I get in my feedback.... it really means the world to me. Especially when it's "thank god I'm not alone". LOL
Have a great Saturday.
Thanks for listening,
Thursday, March 12, 2009
This is the editorial review: You want a tough, advanced workout? Boxing aerobic workouts are hot for athletic cross-training, aerobic conditioning, and both upper- and lower-body strengthening. Boxing offers a good cross-training alternative to step and aerobic dance, which are all leg work. Michael Olajide Jr., 12-year boxing veteran and former World Middleweight contender, is the real instructor in this workout, assisted by Kathy Smith. Olajide first demonstrates the correct form of basic boxing moves such as jab, power punch, hook, and upper cut, which involve the whole upper body and the abs, not just the arms. Then he leads a killer-paced aerobic routine requiring stamina, strength, agility, speed, and coordination. The fast upper-body moves turn into whole-body boxing moves, both stationary and moving, that also work the legs, thighs, and buttocks. The cardiovascular workout is intense, fast, and relentless, designed for the experienced aerobic exerciser. Periodic jump-rope segments (which get progressively more difficult) add more legwork, aerobic intensity, and coordination. The cool-down slows things down somewhat but still contributes to a high-powered workout. Only during the stretch segment at the end do you get a chance to catch your breath. A knockout of a workout! (Warm-up: 9 minutes; boxing with jump-rope intervals: 30 minutes; cool-down: 11 minutes.) --Joan Price
So, I have a shot of Breakfast. It's 1/3 cup oatmeal, 1/3 cup almond breeze, 25 grams prunes (cuz I like em, not for medicinal purposes :eyebrow wiggle:), a tablespoon each of PB2 and almonds. With milk and vitamins 388 calories.
Lunch was ... what was lunch? RIGHT! It was 3oz pork tenderloin with a cup of steamed cabbage and a half cup of couscous with a shot of soy sauce. About an hour before lunch I got growly, so I ate three ounces of imitation crab. All told 319 calories.
My snack will make most people wrinkle their nose... but it was actually good and hit the spot. And no, I'm not pregnant. I took three ounces of leftover garlic baked tofu, and served it on ancient grain crackers (they are Blue Menu and they are awesome!) with a smear of diet strawberry jam. I know! I told you it was weird!! But for 249 calories, I was a happy girl!
Dinner was yummers! I made Bison Chili (pound bison, half a large onion, can of corn, can of white kidney beans, can of black beans, throw in spices, voila 184 calories a cup) and served 1.5 cups of it on top of fresh spinach for EXTRA fibre goodness... lol. Top that with a couple tablespoons of Asiago and you have yourself a 344 calorie dinner!
So for the day I've had 1300 calories??? Holy shit! I'm down like... LOL 709 calories for the day... AND I've not logged my next workout. Shit. ... omg, so I logged only 30 minutes for my next workout, plus the walk I went on today, and I have over 900 calories left to eat for the day. Um, yeah. I don't think that's happening.
Unless.... popcorn? Maybe? ... We'll see.
Now on to the excercise... I have to tell you the FUNNIEST story! Michelle (my workout BUDDY!!!) bought DAMN I can never remember the name of it... I want to say Tae Bo, but it's not. Okay I called her, it's Turbo Jam. So we did both workouts on there, for a total of 35 minutes and while it was fantastic (I could feel my abs this morning!), we felt like it wasn't enough. So, we plugged in Jillian's Shred... Level 3. I said, if it's too much I'm not doing it, and Michelle says "I never quit". Lemme tell ya? After one (ONE) circuit, we both called Uncle with sweat POURING off us, DYING. There was no way, with our already worked out bodies that we were doing that shit. DONE!!! lolololol
I wandered home to indulge in some Amish cake and tea and company... it was so nice!
My girlfriend doesn't have VHS anymore so she came over to give me her collection. Woot!! And, fan-fucking-tastic, there are two STEP aerobics tapes in here!! I love love LOVE step aerobics! I got a step for Christmas but haven't found any workouts yet, so how happy was I? I did one at lunch today, and yes, it kicked my ass... but it felt sooooo good. The only thing is my step is really narrow, so it's hard to get both feet on it when it's long.
Okay, that's pretty much it for today. Time to go workout again! Then it's three days off. Aaaaah! Although, really, I should get a run or two in. I've really been slackin. Sun Run may be a little slower this year!
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Due to a classic case of PEBCAC (Problem Exhists Between Computer and Chair) I deleted all my damn pictures for today! BOOOOOOOO!!! Things that make my eyebrows do this *points to brow, scrunched up in pissed off fashion*.
That'll teach me to multi task. You would think. Probably not, though. Fuck.
I had such good pics today, too.
Well, I took a couple of pics just now.
Logan with the blue in his hair.
And I found a wonderous snack! Now okay, normally I do not promote processed foods... but it IS getting near PMS time. Which sends me on the hunt for dark chocolate. Well this here is called Praeventia, and the flavour is Cranberry & Pomegranate with Red Wine Extract. AND they are coated with dark chocolate that is 70% cocoa. Um, hellllooooooo!!! Dark chocolate & Red Wine in chewy goodness??? MINE! MINE MINE MINE!!!! *pant pant pant*
Ingredients: Whole Rolled Oats, Agave Nectar (natural sweetener, not chemical!!), Dark Chocolate (insert stuff here for chocolate coating) whole oat flour, chicory root inulin, dehydrated cranberries, and the list goes on from there and it's not SO scary. There is a bit of fructose/glucose, but it's way at the bottom. For 100 calories, 3.5 grams of fat, 25 mg sodium, 18 g carbs, 4 g fibre, I'll take it at PMS time. Yep yep I will.
One more thing... since I'm pissing and moaning. I had the BEST dinner of leftover pea soup and grilled cheese sandwich. I'm talking a fantastic grilled cheese... except that I couldn't stop thinking of a certain someone's ex while I was eating it!! YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, ROT IN HELL FOR EVER TELLING ME THAT JOKE YOU FUCKEN FUCK!!!!
Just as well, I suppose, considering how unhealthy grilled cheese is. Still... you decide to treat yourself, and all you can picture is THAT. Harumph.
*rubs eyebrows so they don't stay like that*
As I was watching them make bad decision after bad decision, I'm shaking my head and discussing it out loud with my son about WHY this is such a bad decision (anything to turn it into a life lesson on health, hee hee), and I'm thinking "Jillian is going to KILL them". And sure enough, how pissed was she?? Sure the team was upset because she made them feel jeuvenile... but come on, like they didn't DESERVE it? They are there for a purpose. She is their trainer. It's her JOB to make sure they understand their decisions. She cannot succeed without their cooperation. I thought she had EVERY right to be as pissed as she was. ESPECIALLY once I saw the whole "we're not telling" bullshit. I mean, if you are going to be a grown up and make a decision, man up! Own it! Don't hide it. That PUTS her in the mom position.
Steve actually said to me that he has heard that same speech from me, the one she was giving them at the table the morning they got back. Yep. But it's a very similar relationship she has with them. Definite paralells between parent and child and trainer and trainee. Both are guiding and teaching and coaching and encouraging, with the occasional stern lecture when needed.
However, Sionne was right to call Jillian on the training issue. I feel (mind you this is ONLY based on moments seen on television, and not necessarily a fair assumption) that Jillian has not engaged 100% in those boys. She knows how strongly they felt about leaving Bob and I don't think she really worked to get their trust. If she had, Sionne wouldn't have exploded on HER about trust. The fact that she let them go back to Bob without a fight, with the whole "I don't have to deal with them anymore" spoke volumes to me. She abandoned them from the moment she got them, imo.
And then the black team wins the challenge. That was so incredibly unfair. I mean, yes it was fair according to the numbers, but the only reason I think Mike did well is because he's not of age to drink, so he couldn't have taken part of the frivoloties, which is why Black had the extra point. That and that +2 from Mandy. Wasn't THAT a shocker!!!
Either way, there was no dignity in that win.
Okay, rant over.
Thanks for listening,
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
When I was out the other day, I was thinking of my poor teenager, heartbroken at home. And I know that the cure to heartbreak is new hair (am I right, or am I right??). So I bought him these little packs of coloured hair gel. Sure enough, it cheered him up! He used the red today, so I snapped a pic:
Super vibrant, huh? I'm uber impressed with that stuff! I also got him blue and green. We'll see which ones look best on him. I do like the red, but I'm betting blue will be my favourite.
I gotta get to the eats. BL is coming on and I need to make P*O*P*C*O*R*N!!!!
Breakfast was 1/3 cup porridge, 1/3 cup almond breeze, (I hope ya'll assume the 1/3 cup water), 30 grams of chopped prunes, and 1/8 of a cup of egg white thrown in at the end and stirred up for a custardy feel to the porridge. Throw a tablespoon of toasted almonds on top, serve with milk and vitamins, and there you have 369 calories.
Lunch was my ever so yummy pea soup, served with a pita filled with 3oz crab, 30 grams of black olives, and a handful of sprouts. 504 calories
Snack was one of my all time favourites. Asian pear smothered in 2 tablespoons of PB2 for 104 calories of yummy goodness.
Dinner was freakin AWESOME!! I had browned the outside of a pork tenderloin, then chopped an onion into big pieces. I put the onion in the bottom of the crock pot, threw the braised pork roast on top, and squirted in some horseradish mustard (not a lot). I deglazed the pan with a bit of shiraz and poured it onto the roast (probably about an 1/8 of a cup). I let that badboy cook in the crockpot all afternoon. It literally fell apart when it was done. I made broccoli and threw two packs of mushroom gravy mix into 1.5 cups of water, and made gravy. Into that gravy went two tablespoons of fat free cream cheese. Seriously, that makes the gravy. Freakin awesome. 444 calories
And now I go make popcorn. Not PMS popcorn tonight. I'm craving salty, without the sweet. I wish I had some Frank's. That would really hit the spot with my popcorn tonight. Ah well...
Monday, March 9, 2009
So this is why I took Thursday and Friday off, which allowed me to go insane in my posting, and blog away that insanity and really find myself and where I am on this journey through life.
Which brings us to Monday. Monday has been a day of catch up. I had so much work to catch up on... nuts. But I'm done, most of it. The rest has to be spread out over the next few days, as it's calling hours that I need to catch up on. That can't be done at night. Plus there are a few admin things that someone else dropped the ball on, so I have to wait on them before I can do MY catch up. I hate that.
The good news is that even though I was mindfucked, I was still watching my intake... mostly. I ate well over 80 % of the time, which to me is a success. I ended up calling it binge last night, when out of having the stress munchies I ate a baggie of apple cinnamon cherios and a granola bar. *shrug* Coulda been worse. But it put me over my caloric budget, and technically it was a chosen binge. Recognize it for what it is and move on.
Which brings me back again to Monday. Day of new beginnings! I realized that every thing I ate today came with or out of a bowl. Huh.
Breakfast: Oatmeal made with almond breeze, banana and pineapple, with PB2 and chocolate chips and toasted almonds on top. Served with milk and vitamins. 402 calories
Lunch: leftover buffalo burger with 2 tablespoons asiago cheese melted on that Burger First whole wheat bun, then sprinkled with garlic powder. Served with a bowl of ham & pea soup I crock potted over the entire weekend, draining off all the fat overnight in the fridge for easy scooping. It is soooo good I had two servings (thus the large bowl). 754 calories
Dinner was more soup (told you it was good) with a pita stuffed with imitation crab, seafood sauce and alfalfa sprouts. 463 calories
Doh! I totally forgot to take a pic of snack. That was a whole banana, 1/2 cup pineapple, 1/2 cup plain fat free yogurt and 1/4 cup flax granola. 297 calories
So, on track, planned, eating to plan. Two workouts today. One yoga, and I'm about to put 40 minutes towards circuit training. I'm actually looking forward to it because my feet are so damn cold. Need to get that circulation pumping!!
Thanks for listening,
Sunday, March 8, 2009
Because I knew I was going to be eating good yummy stuff, I decided to go with a light breakfast. Oatmeal with PB2, almonds and banana, with my milk and vitamins.
Then lunch. It was incredible! I can't remember the name of the damn restaurant, but it was at 2991 Lougheed Hwy. Why do I remember that? Because I couldn't find it! Where it sits is actually beside Best Buy in PoCo, but it's technically part of the Pinetree Village. So even though it's nowhere NEAR Lougheed, it's still the address. Anyways, it was 11.95 for all you can eat... and we ate!
Here is my place setting, with my miso soup, that noodley lemon stuff, my tea and my favouritest part of sushi, the wasabi/soysauce mix! Love love LOVE that flavour!!
At my end of the table was the dumplings, which I didn't have!
Then there was the sashimi, nigiri, terriyaki chicken, and sushi rolls. FANTASTIC!!! I ate some of each. And, I'm proud to say, I didn't have ANY tempura, and I ate until I was SATISFIED, not stuffed. Woot! Go me!!
It was awesome seeing Al again (we met once, last year for the inaugral sushi gathering), and meeting Tanya! I love meeting people I feel like I know!
Amber, Tamie, and Angi rounded out our gathering, and it was such fun! These people are seriously depraved... my kinda people! Kinda boo that Angi is moving back home to Ontario...
And of course, it wouldn't be a VPC gathering if Tamie didn't get all kercited and spill all over herself. This is her "cupid shaped, hummingbird heading for the goodies" stain. LOLOL
Now when I got "lost", I parked by Starbucks... so you know I haaaaad to go and grab myself a treat! Grande Skinny Caramel Decaf Americano Misto. Mmmmmmmm, dessert in a cup!
Dinner tonight was a buffalo burger on a whole wheat Burger First bun, with dijon mustard, dill pickles and spinach. Yum! Side salad of spinach and baby greens with some light ranch.
And now my hubby is waiting on me to come and watch tv with him. Snuggle time is the BEST way to end a weekend, isn't it?