If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Saturday, March 14, 2009

Saturday Morning Musings

Did I even blog yesterday? I don't think I did... too busy. Fridays are always insane for me. Luckily I don't care. *grin*

I snapped a coupla pics, but then things went sideways towards a half a dark chocolate & almond bar and a half a peanut butter sandwich on white bread. Which, I have to say... not so great. Definately not a ten, but I was hungry so I ate it anyways.

Dinner last night, I didn't have time to hit Subway, so I ended up eating a bowl of wor wonton soup at my work. Jees, is that shit ever awesome. Silverhouse makes the BEST flavoured wonton. So yummy. And the wor wonton has four large succulent shrimps, about 3 oz of chicken breast meat, 8 wontons, one piece of bbq pork, and a swack of broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms, carrots, onions and baby corn. All crisp and fresh. So delicious. I add soy sauce to my broth, because I like how it enhances the flavour. I DON't like how it enhances the scale.

Yesterday morning I weighed myself and I was at 147.4. I'm looking to hover between 145 - 148. So very pleased with my first week of learning to balance my new life of maintenance, and calorie balancing & excercising for longevity versus weight loss. Then I hopped on this morning, and I'm at 149.2. Sodium is not my friend.

My froat is sore. Dammit. I work so hard to not get sick. So when I do, I take it quite personally. This is day 2. And I feel worn right out this morning, too. I woke up at 3am, and just dozed all night after that. I don't know why I had such a hard time sleeping. I can't feel my throat as long as I breathe thru my nose, which I can do, don't swallow, and don't cough. Steve's snoring drove me insane. I hate that. Normally it doens't bother me, because he doesn't snore loudly, but just his deep breathing and light snoring when I can't sleep makes me want to punch him hard in the face. Repeatedly.

Today I hit the grocery store. Time to stock up on lunch stuff for the coming week, and plan out dinners and grab all that I need. Veggie store, for sure. So much cheaper than the grocery store. I love that we have a year round farmers market. Not everything is local, but everything is cheap. And I buy local if it's an option. I feel like I'm forgetting something that I wanted to get. I keep thinking I need to go to Costco, but I don't know what for. Maybe it will come to me.

Tonight I am having tea with my sister and my grandbabymomma. I'm really looking forward to hanging out and playing cards with them. I'm thinking I'm going to pick up a veggie tray so we have snackies.

It's funny... my mindset seems to have shifted over the last week. It's like... I don't want to indulge really, even though it is the weekend, because this is who I am. This is the way I eat. I am a healthy person, who eats healthy most of the time, excercises regularily, and does my best to maintain a great body internally and externally.

It's different because even two weeks ago I felt like someone who STRUGGLED to get healthy, who ate healthy in order to "get there", and who excercised to hurry the process of getting healthy.

Why was it suprising to me this week, when I worked my ASS off, and I didn't have muscle soreness? My muscles are strong. I am healthy. It shocked me. I know, weird, right? Two weeks ago I probably would have thought "I need to do a tougher workout", but this week I understand that I did work out hard. It shows in that I ate 500 more calories a day, and maintained my weight. Because I'm healthy, and I'm working to remain healthy.

I had a convo with one of my bosses, and she helped clarify the word maintenance and take the "bad word" aspect away for me. You see, I was freaked out by the word because to me it meant standing still vs being on a journey. I thrive on my journey. I love moving forward. Standing still means stagnating to me, and I was wigged right out by that. But Kerri said to me that she lives to maintain. She never wants to be unhealthy again, so she works a little bit each day to maintain where she is at. She hates when her house is clean, so she works a little bit each day to maintain it. Her whole life is around maintaining. This way she never has to work really hard at anything difficult. She just has to do a little bit every day. I was all like "huh". She says "losing weight is one of the hardest things to do, isn't it?" Yep. "Well, do you want to do that again?" Hells to the NO! So a little bit each day... it's not stagnant. It's not standing still, mired in the sameness. It's hovering and puttering forward to a life of longevity. THAT is what I can do.

So yes, I'll say it now. I am maintaining. And so far, I'm doing a damn good job of it. Thank god for NutriMirror. I tell you, when I tried maintaining on Core, I learned fast (well, in six weeks) that I cannot trust my body to tell me when it's had enough. But with still tracking my calories and nutritional intake, and my workouts, I am able to maintain very healthily. And I have allowed indulgences and stayed within my caloric budget. I ate mayo on a sandwich. I had a grilled cheese (damn you, you know who you are). I ate a chocolate bar. I had popcorn TWICE this week. And I maintained my weight.

Okay, I could probably keep blathering but I'll stop now. You need to get on with your day, and so do I.

You know how I sign off with "thanks for listening"? So you know, I really do mean it. While I don't necessarily write for you, I like knowing that someone out in the universe is listening to me. Ya'll may think I'm crazy sometimes. Hell, so do I. But the compassion I get in my feedback.... it really means the world to me. Especially when it's "thank god I'm not alone". LOL

Have a great Saturday.


Thanks for listening,



The Momma said...

are you crazy am.....apple tree so glad you have got here. I think one of the reasons you feel more at ease is that you are not on a diet per say any more that makes it eraser in your mind. you are just eating what you need to eat to be healthy. Same with exercise you are keeping your self strong not trying to make your self strong. On core your head was not there it was not working in the end for you so the smart woman that you are you found something that did .

Anonymous said...

Has Steve ever tried Breath Rights? MY DH and I swear by them - he is not a crazy snorer, but it is bad enough to wake me up and make me grumpy.