If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Friday, June 3, 2016

Gym Musings

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Gym Musings: I had the WORST anxiety about it, which is so new to me. I'm not a highly anxious person. I'm normally pretty chill. So to find myself reaching for the phone to cancel because I felt so sick about going was weird for me. Luckily my gym buddy had just texted saying she was ready. I drove to her place so we could carpool there, and cried all the way there. I talked myself through it and kept going, but it was so so bizarre, the level of anxiety.
She was great, she recognized immediately that I was in distress and hustled me in the car, chattering brightly to distract me. As usual, she was my strength when I couldn't find it within. 
So, we went to Club 16. The desk staff was super friendly. I had to fill out a form online, and then I got a paper pass for three days and that was it, I was in. I have to admit I was taken aback that that was it. No tour? Nobody to talk to me and sell me on why I want to make this my home gym? You just let me loose in here to kill myself on these contraptions? If I hadn't had my gym buddy I would have been lost. Literally. Like, they didn't even point out where the change room or doors were. Being in sales and customer service, I found this really odd. Hubby says that's normal, though, in gyms.
We did a walk through of the co-ed part. It's huge. And intimidating as hell. I would definitely need to hire someone to teach me what to do if I were to venture there.
We headed into the She's Fit side. It was quiet, serene... quite lovely, actually. We hopped on a treadmill and walked for twenty minutes, chattering. I kept thinking "are people going to get mad that we are talking?" and I'm sure that a couple of the ladies in there were miffed, but they didn't say anything.
The treadmills are state of the art, and I love that if you are there alone you can just plug your earbuds into the machine and watch the built in tv. Much nicer than everyone staring at the one on the wall. You can watch whatever you want.
They have a circuit in there. Two, actually, the She's Fit and the Co-ed. the Co-ed machines are superior. We stuck with the She's Fit side. I remember Curves used to advertise this thing, so I had a basic understanding of how it works. There are traffic lights, red and green. You work on the machine during the green, and during the red you move to the next machine. It alternates upper and lower body. If you hit every machine you target every muscle. It's a full body work out in half an hour.
I thought about this a lot last night and decided this is exactly what I'm looking for. I'm not looking to lose weight or build muscle, really. I'm looking to retain my strength as my body gets to a healthier place. The walking is fine, and I've been using my resistance bands, but I don't know enough to know I'm getting EVERY muscle. The circuit does the thinking for me. I like this idea.
My body is tight and a little sore this morning, which feels great. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to move stuff. I moved stuff. I can feel it. I'm so proud of myself for just doing it, despite my ridiculous anxiety.
Today I'm going back and I'll do the circuit first and then spend whatever I have left in me on the treadmill walking. I think that makes sense for me and my limitations.
Tomorrow we try Fitness Unlimited. They are waiving drop in fees for the day. I think it's fair to give both gyms a shake, so we are heading there at 10:30am to give it a go. I'll let you know how it pans out.

Anxiety Much?

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Going to the gym for the first time tonight.
Really scared.
Weird mental block.
Moving past it.
Still really scared.
Doing this.

Today Vs Yesteryear

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I had to go through my son's wedding pics the other day to pull some for an album I'm making for Steve's grandmother. One of the best days of my life, and yes, I looked beautiful... for a fat girl.
Say what you will, but it's true. I know, I know, I've had people say "don't talk about yourself that way, it hurts me". Well... tough. I'm calling it like it is. At just under two hundred pounds at five foot freakin TWO, would you prefer I use the medical terminology? Morbidly Obese. No? Let's just go with fat then, shall we?
The first time I lost weight, as I've mentioned a few times, I was not in a great place mentally (without knowing it). I just now had an AHA moment.
Yes, it was initially tough to look at those pics. Yes, I think I looked beautiful that day. Yes, I was incredibly happy, and my weight wasn't a factor in anything that day. Today, I look at those pics and I accept that that's where I was then. Doesn't sound like much, but let me tell you, this is unbelievably ginormous for me. That first journey brought me to a place of utter shame for my former fat self. I couldn't look at pictures of my past without hating on myself for letting myself get there and be okay with it for so long. Today I'm ACCEPTing my reality.
Side Note: Funny, I had this same thought process last night as I wandered around the track. I actually talked myself past feelings of self depreciation for not having been there for four years, and turned my mind to praising the fact that I'm back and making positive changes. I then trounced happily around the track one more time (which in retrospect my hips tell me I shouldn't have, but my mind needed it).
As I look through pictures of the last four years and I think about what was, I find myself more forgiving. I recognize that I was not in a good place mentally. I was in a deep depression that nobody really knew about. I have sympathy for myself that I allowed myself to get fat again, but I soothe my soul with the knowledge that I'm not living that any more. I would never ever berate someone I love, and I am not berating myself. Mind blowing, if you knew me back then.
I can look at those pictures today and say "I was so happy that day. I love my dress. My hat is to DIE for. My growing family is so beautiful. My face shines with happiness and love. These pictures are a true representation of my loved ones' happiness and where we were in 2015".
Accept your reality. Today's AND yesterday's. If you don't love today's, change it. One tiny decision at a time.


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I think I'll post some of my FB musings here...

Monday, April 4, 2016

*knock knock* ... this thing on?

Um... hi. It's been awhile. Anyone still around? 

It's been a hard and harsh six years since my last post. I've put back on the majority of what I lost. I've restarted my journey because I hit 200 lbs again (200.6 to be exact). I got smacked with bursitis in my hips and lost the ability to do the running and walking I loved so much. It spiraled me into a depression and saw the weight creep back.  So March 9th I got back on the wagon. It wasn't easy and it wasn't pretty (I'm short, so hefting my fat ass onto a wagon is always going to be a comical sight), but here I am, back at the beginning.

I've hired a training coach couple and am on a meal plan. I've been documenting my journey on Facebook. If you would like to be a part of my motivation team, hit up my group here: https://www.facebook.com/groups/217850818563030/

I hope that you are well. <3 div="">

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

... and she lived happily ever after. The end.

When I started this blog, it was for me to keep track of how I was doing. It was a place for me to vent my feelings, brainstorm ideas, bang out epiphanies. And I did.

Then I started getting followers. And it was good. So I started talking about my blog in real life, to my real peeps. And it was good... for a while. But then, it wasn't.

You see, I can't be me here. I can't vent my frustrations. I can't talk about what bugs me. I can't discuss my feelings. I can't talk about my marriage. I can't talk about my relationships. I can't talk about anything at all except me. And I can't even talk about me.

Do you see the disclaimer at the top of this blog? That's there because all of a sudden I was getting lambasted with responsibility. That because people were looking to me for inspiration, I had a responsibility to not lead them astray. To watch my every word, so as not to offend. To not give bad advice, so as not to kill anyone. To be careful how I word my selftalk, so as not to lead anyone to eating disorders.

This blog is no longer about me.

And so I am leaving it. Because I still need what I started in the first place. A place where I can be me. Where I can talk about me. Where I can be open, honest and upfront about my issues. Where noone in real life knows about. Where noone in blogland knows who I am.

I thank you. I thank you for encouragin me. For showing me that I am not alone in this journey called life. For commiserating with me when the wagon is far off in the distance. For laughing with me. For crying with me. For sharing with me.

I am choosing to leave this blog here. I won't be adding to it. But it is a powerful testimony to what I accomplished. I want to keep it for myself. I want to visit it, and see what worked. See what didn't. And remind myself of where I came from.

So be well, my friends. Enjoy your journey. I'm enjoying mine.


Saturday, September 19, 2009

Super Crappy Yesterday

I had a super DUPER crappy night last night. But of course, I can't talk about it on here because this is so public to my real life.


I do believe I'm going to slowly knock this blogging off. It started out as a journal to help me, but has turned into something different, that I'm not too fond of.

Suffice it to say, I'm turning over a new leaf today. I will NOT let someone else drag my Saturday down.

The scale showed me love this morning, down an entire pound (!!) to 153.4. That's only 6.4 from where the doctor told me to stop losing (although I'm thinking I want to one day see 138 and a BMI of normal).

Must have coffee. Urgh.

Why the hell do I wake up at ridiculously early hours on Saturdays? Why??


Thursday, September 17, 2009

I want PIZZA!!

Damn Panago and their current flier with a meatball pizza oozing in cheezy goodness on the front.

I was reading blogs just now, and came across Fat Daddy's post about compliments. And it made me sad.

You see, there is a cycle, it seems. When you first start losing weight, you wait expectantly with baited breath for every pound to be noticed. The first 25 pounds or so are heartbreaking in their lack of showing. Or, they show, but people don't want to say anything incase they are just "seeing things".

But then you hit a point where people really start seeing it. And HOO-BOY is that fun!! All of a sudden you have wicked motivation! You can't let these people down! They are watching your every move, and complimenting the hell outta ya! It feels good. You feel rewarded. You feel motivated. You feel relieved.

Then you reach goal weight. And the compliments keep coming. But now they are coming in a way that is starting to frustrate you. I would see people that I haven't seen in a year, and ALL they could talk about was my weight loss. It started to define me. And it started exasperating me. I wanted to talk about other things. I wanted to talk about them. Sure, I'll tell you what I did, but then let's move on, shall we? Please? No? Okay, fine, let's keep talking about it... sigh.

My closest started seeing how I was losing who I was, and so they stopped complimenting me. Which was totally cool with me. I was done talking about it. Besides, I was in a different place than most were, and frankly, found myself stepping on people's toes all the freakin time. Best to not discuss my thoughts and feelings around my own fat issues, as people perceived it as talking about them and their issues (whether I was or not.. there was a ton of projecting). Best to keep my trap shut, right?

Only here's the thing. I've put ten pounds back on. And I'm ridiculously insecure. Ridiculously. And so I dress very very carefully. I do my best to look really pretty. Or really sexy. Or really whatever I'm going for that day. I shop very carefully. I work very hard on my appearance.

And noone says a word.


Yep, it IS that extreme.

I am struggling with this ten pounds (actually it's like seven pounds, but on my body it looks to me like twenty), and sabotage the shit out of myself. I feel like I have no motivation. Nobody cares. Nobody looks for positive on me. I have been fighting with it for three months now, and it keeps winning.

I have become so incredibly insecure, having zero positive affirmation, that I actually struggle getting out of the house now. If I'm desperate, I'll ask if I look okay, but how desperate does that look? I can tell you how desperate it feels. And if I have to ask, then I know I don't look as spectacular as I thought I did. And if I don't ask, my insecurity rises with every moment I'm out in public. I second guess myself all the time. I watch people's faces, looking with fear for their disgust. Watching their eyeballs go directly to my plumper zones. Watching for judgement. Do I really look good? Does this really go together? Are people just being nice to my face, but laughing behind my back? Will I end up on a site like "People of Walmart"?

And then I don't want to go out.

But here's the thing. I have a friend who has agoraphobia. She didn't leave her house for years. I am deathly afraid of becoming like that. But I can feel how it happens.

So I fight it. Every day I fight it. Every weekend, I burst out of my house, with a FUCK YOU WORLD attitude. I work hard to build my confidence internally. I find something good about myself and give myself affirmations. I avoid the mirror, because I get sucked into it and end up changing my clothing in a frenzy of panic. I do my best to appear confident, sexy, carefree, and happy.

But inside all I'm whispering over and over is, "do I look okay?".


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

What a workout!!

It was soccer night tonight. And for one reason or another, I was the only one that showed. But I was prepared to be, and in the mindset that I wanted the workout.

And I had a BLAST!!!

I practiced dogs.
I volleyed with the wall for ages at a good intensity.
I ran the field with the ball a number of times.
I practiced running and kicking with my left to the right, and vice versa.
I practiced kicking with precision.
I practiced cornering with the ball by doing tight (as tight as I could) figure eights around the goalposts.
I practiced more dogs.
I practiced scoring from a running start.
I practiced aim.
I practiced breathing techniques.
And probably more, but I can't think of anything.

Oh yeah, I also jumped up on a low bench with both feet 30 times, and did stepping knee raises ten times each side.


The only reason I stopped at an hour and fifteen minutes was because I could feel hot spots on my heels. I don't want blisters!

Total Time: 1:30 (including 15 min cool down).
Zone: 131 - 193
Total Time in Zone:
Average Heartrate: 136
Max Heartrate: 176
Calories Burned: 602

I can see the difference from when others are there in the Max and the Calories. With the team it would take over two hours to burn that many calories. And the max is usually in the low 160s, just from the standing and waiting. My heartrate isn't sustained during practice, thus spiking it when I push the effort.

What does this mean? More nights out versing a wall!! If it burns that many calories, and is THAT much fun... I will most definately do that again!

Now... my Kingdom for a ball that stays properly inflated.

PS: Shoutout to Sesame, who provided me with a new mp3 for tunes. Woot!! I've convinced the boy to put workout tunes on it for me. He's all serious at the computer right now, listening to beats. :) :) :)

Tuesday, September 15, 2009


In the spirit of singing "What Have You Done Today" I decided to walk to do my banking. Oh sure, you are thinking. Who cares? You walked to the bank. Pffft.

First I walked from my house at 216th, down to my bank on 207th. Then I walked from there, all the way uptown to my son's bank at 225th. That's 4.89 miles, if you are counting. Or 7.8 km for us Canadians. Pthhhht!!

But of course, having only had just under 200 calories for lunch and a banana for snack, I found myself STARVING once I got uptown. So I hit the food court.

I salivated past Orange Julius, eyeballing the pizza dog. I dragged my feet past A&W, wiping my chin at the Papa Burger. I went right past the Tandoori place, with their creamy sauces and white rice. I paused at the Japanese place, but continued on to Sandwich tree and ordered me a shrimp, avocado and cream cheese sammich on flax bread. Woot!!

I had that instead of dinner (okay, I had a half cup of chili for dinner, only cuz I had been looking forward to it since I made it last night), and I'm having popcorn with the show tonight. But I am glad I made the choice I did, rather than the unhealthy ones that were calling me.

And I then hit Purdy's and bought one little tiny peanut butter daisy as a treat, instead of the Cream Horn I really wanted.

I have LOTS to sing about tonght!!!!


Review: Clover Leaf Yellowfin Tuna Steaks - Fresh Thai Herb

Have you tried this?

I saw it in the grocery store. I'm always hunting for a good source of protein. I saw these and thought "I'll try it".

Holy YUM!! I'm eating it on a spinach salad, and my mouth is burning, but not too much. Mind you, I don't think my sister would eat it. And I wouldn't give it to little kids. But it's tasty tasty tasty! Fantastic texture. It's definately a tuna steak. Meaty and chewy. Not like canned tuna at all.

Here's a link: Clover Leaf Yellowfin Tuna Steaks - Fresh Thai Herb

As you can see on the nutritional stats, it's a little high in sodium, but for a "processed" food, it's not too bad at all. And the ingredients aren't unpronouncable, either. That's my criteria for new products. Note: I just listened to a Jillian Michaels podcast where she describes processed food. This product is not processed. It is all natural ingredients with no preservatives added, therefore not classified as processed.

Would I buy this again? Absolutely! And I'll try the other flavours, too. I have a lemon pepper in my cupboard that I'm now itching to try. And they were only $2 something each.

Side note: I would have documented the whole lunch prep, but my stupid camera is a big fat piece of shit.



So, I got a call this morning from the Fraud Squad (I wonder what they are really called??). It turns out that the transaction was in Montreal, which is why they flagged it. Someone copied my card and pin. They are still investigating where that happened. I mentioned that since I talked about it, all sorts of people are coming out of the woodwork to say it happened to them here in Maple Ridge. He said that he suspects it's a clerk in a store somewhere here.

Anyway, the money will be back in my account within 24 hours. Woot!! Go RBC!!!

So that was a great start to my day... and tonight BIGGEST LOSER!!!!!!!! Could I possibly BE more excited?? I dunno.

I have to do a killer workout today, so I can sing the song.

Side note: why do I choke up with tears whenever I think of singing the song???

It looks like it's going to be a hella emotional show tonight. Second chances. Very exciting. I'm stoked to see Danny back. Don't even get me STARTED on that last year. I was CHOKED at David on his behalf. CHOKED.

Plus, this means family night! Actually having Logan sit with us in the living room and watch tv with us withOUT his phone at his ear!! So stoked. :)

Speaking of which... teens. Pfft. That kid works a job, goes to school, and pays for his own phone. But he ALWAYS has it at his ear. Do I have the right to ask him to not be on it all the time? It's his. He pays for it. And if he wasn't on it, he'd be on the computer. I'm a little torn. I think we need to start doing stuff as a family that doesn't involve the tv. Mind you, that will mean just Logan and I because watching tv is how Steve unwinds after his long day. And it's not fair to ask him to change his routine just because I want to see more of Logan. And Logan doesn't like watching tv. It's a catch 22 for sure.

So yeah, I'm totally looking forward to tonight!


Monday, September 14, 2009

R.I.P. Patrick Swayze

You'll dance forever in my heart.



I was going to blog about what a great time I had at the Canadian Country Music Awards, but that's been preempted by the fact that I am completely pissed off that my bank card was compromised, and my bill money for the month was stolen out of my account at 5:37am this morning.

I went down to my branch after phoning and finding out what to do, only to remember when I got there that they are closed on Mondays.

I have shit coming out of that account tomorrow, and the funds aren't there. I'm freaking OUT.

And on top of that, I am sabotaging myself left, right and sideways. I actually had to drive in the left lane so as NOT to drive through McDonald's for an ice cream. I physically had to fight to NOT sabotage myself, and promised myself popcorn later. What the fuck is wrong with me??


Sunday, September 13, 2009


Again with the TMI:

I had an AMAZING night with my man last night! I decided that only I can change what I want changed, so it was a night of romanticism, soft porn, wine, hoots, and sensuality EXTRODINAIRE!!!!

Soft porn (from A&E Channel) is beautiful! And sensual! And totally not fair!! You see tits, ass, even a flash of pussy, but never cock. Ever.

However, for those that like the sexy without the actual close up joined shots, this stuff is hot hot hot!! And, it reminded me how to BE sensual. Watching those girls strip for the man, writhing their bodies, touching themselves... watching the man's eyes as he drank it all in... made me go "hmmm". So I whipped out some Creamsickle massage cream and gave myself a wee chest massage. Holy Banana Feathers!!! I haven't seen that look in his eyes in YEARS.

It made me realize that I have a hot body that my husband hasn't seen before... and dammit, I can USE it!! And guess what.. he doesn't SEE the flaws. He sees the new skinny parts. He sees the boobs. He sees sexy. He sees sensual. He sees whatever it is that I want him to see.

I talked once about bathing suits, and how I'm so much more conscious NOW than I ever was fat. Cuz noone has expectations of hotness from a fat chick, but one that is closer to skinny, people are more critical of (read: I am). Well, I took that into the bedroom. My big big BIG mistake.

I forsee a whole lotta sexy time in my future. Time to reconnect on a level of intimacy. I don't care WHAT he is watching on tv, if I'm feeling it, I'll put on a little show for him and I guarantee (I hope!!) that I will get what I am needing. And if not, then I finish what I start, and he gets a good show. Win/Win.


Friday, September 11, 2009

Is it Friday Yet??

Oh it is!!