If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Monday, March 31, 2008

Wow, I impressed myself!

10/1 x 6 with 5 min each side warm/cool.

This was actually a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. The hips are sore, but not near what they would have been without Magda's sage advice.

And I finally calibrated my pedometer, so my accurate reading for tonight was ... 8.1 km!! Yay me!!

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

I'm such a Trooper!!

Despite still having very sore calves, out I went for my run today!

4/1 x 9 with 5 min walk on each end.

I'm such a superwoman, too. I came home, threw dinner in the oven, and prepped the fresh green beans, set the timer, and out for a run I went. All Steve had to do was nuke the rice and serve. Ta da!! Damn I'm good!

Just came back from Lindsay's. She gave me a super haircut in preperation for the big colour job. Dum dum dum!! Goin back to natural!

I'm wondering when I'll get my next run in... what with traveling and all.

Oh, and I've decided to change my schedule up. I'm going to do my runs on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday. That way my big one is definately during the day, and I only take up two of my week nights. Running as soon as I get home while it is still light out has been actually not awful.

Well, Steve is watching stoopid hockey, so I'm gonna surf around for a while, then maybe go for an epson salts bath. Mmmm, yeah, that's TOTALLY what I'm gonna do!!

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Ow, Ow Ow, OUCH!!

Last night I did 8/1 x 7 with 5 min on each side warmup walk. Yikes! By the end I was so sore. My hips are screaming in protest today. Every time I get up, they are so stiff and sore! I'm walking like a 90 year old for crissakes... lol.

It was lovely running in the sunshine, though. I went out as soon as I got home, and Steve made dinner. I wonder how often I can get away with that? hee hee hee.

It was nippy, though, holy cow! My extremities were ice by the time I got home!!

I'm looking forward to Chinese tonight, then Biggest Loser. Woot!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

OMG that was FUNNY

Did anyone see what Magda wrote on my post re: dude hitting on me? ROFLMAO!!

I'm having SUCH a fantastic day.

I woke up late after having a wonderful ten hour sleep (thank you Sleep Eaze D). I did 50 minutes of yoga, which is always wonderful. Then I watched a movie with my man on the couch, snuggled.

Now Doug is here. We just finished dinner, which was Korean Beef for them, and a terriyaki pork loin for me. I had one ounce of KB as well (one bite tastes like the rest, right?). Everything was oh, so yummy.

Logan is doing dishes, Doug is playing Guitar Hero, Steve is watching Beuwolf, and I snuck in here to post a perfect moment. It's so nice to have my whole family together, everyone having fun and enjoying life in this moment.

I hope you had a moment like this in your day today.

Now, I'll get back to it...

Made Up for Valentines

Awe! Steve actually went out and bought me Easter stuff! A little egg that says "some bunny loves you" and a small container of Cadbury's Eggs. SO unpredictable!! He's never done that before!

And because I'm in so control of my eating, I wasn't even upset about the fact that he bought me chocolate. I know that I can indulge, but not go overboard.

I'm just so impressed with his sweetness!

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Today's Run

4/1 x 8.

I way prefer daytime running. It's so nice! I got home just after four today, so I was able to squeeze a run in before dinner. Since I missed it yesterday, I'm glad I did.

My lung capacity is definately down. I did 5 km, and feel just as winded as Monday.

I got hit on while running! And let's face it, noone looks their best when all slicked out for excercise... lol. Some guy was walking his dogs around Westview, and i was in my Set 5 walk. I was watching his Shelties, when one spotted me, woofed at me, then circled around behind him and peeked out from behind his legs. I laughed and said "that's a pretty cute scaredy cat you have there". He responded with something like, "yeah he's pretty tough, just like you". At that point my watch be-de-beeped so I started running. He yells after me "hey, no need to run away!" I pointed at my watch and yelled back that it had beeped and I had to go.

So of course, this gets me thinking. Thinking "I like not being invisible!" I like that I receive male attention again! It's been a long time, and I really missed it. I'm a flirt by nature. That part of me was definately repressed under all that weight.

She's baaaaack!!

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Not tonight dear, I have a headache...

I've been hit! I'm down! Medic!!

Woke up this morning with no voice. Now I'm all "Barry White". Went to the doctor, it's not strep... yet. He gave me a perscription in case it turns into strep.

I'm layin low.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Wow. I impressed the SHIT outta myself!!

I was totally nervous about tonights run. 6/1 x 8 plus 5 walking on each end makes 66 minutes. Yikes! Last time I attempted 6's was on the dreadmill, and I then decided I was not meant to run. It was pure unadultered hell.

Tonight? Not so hellish! It was a balmy 7 degrees out, with no rain. I started out slow to pace myself, and after the first two sets was all warmed up nicely. I toured new neighbourhoods, and took some lovely little sidestreets that I've never explored before. It was nice! By the sixth set I was pooping out, but knew I was so close to success. The seventh set was the hardest, cuz I was TIRED. The eight was brutal, but it was the last one! I really worked hard (it's uphill) to keep my pace steady, not clench my fists, pump my arms front to back instead of crossing over my chest, hold my head up high, keep my spine straight... and I did it! I finished strong!

And this time I remembered to bring my pedometer. Got to my back gate and looked at it 7.109 km. Yep!!

Right on!!

Friday, March 14, 2008

Friday's Run

Great again! 6 degrees, so really crisp. Had to wear a long sleeve shirt. Tonight was 2/1 x 12. Nice and easy.

Monday will be harsh... 6/1 x 8. Last time I had sixes it was brutal. Mind you, it was on the treadmill. Hmmm. I'll letcha know.

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Sun Run Training Tonight

It was great! The night was 9 degrees, with no wind. I did 3/1 x 7, and I did a good strong run. I picked a new route, down past Westview, past Kyros' and a little further, then back. It was great! No big hills, except that gradual incline on the way back up the school road. But I paced myself and made myself run strong.

It makes a huge difference running on the road vs the sidewalk, as that book says (thanks for lending it to me, Sam!) The sidewalk is brutal on me, where the asphalt is a little more giving. This was prolly a huge part of Sam's discomfort when we went running with Crystal that night.

I'm tired and sore, but definately in a good way. Off for an epson salt bath!

Monday, March 10, 2008

Sick, sick, sick

And twisted!

I did a 52 minute session. 5/1, and I did it in the rain. And it was WAY better than anything I've done on the dreadmill. I think I just hate the dreadmill.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still giving up running like this after the Sun Run. I'll only run if I feel like it. But it was an interesting lesson tonight, that's for sure.


Life with a teenager... what to do....

So Steve tells me that he came home to find the back door closed, and assumed Logan wasn't home yet. But then he sees Logan's shoes. Goes and knocks on his door, and Logan is home. Steve goes out for a smoke, and Logan comes out and tells him that he was so tired when he got home that he went for a nap... and oh by the way, the girlfriend is at the front door wondering if she can borrow a bike to get home fast.

Like we're stupid? What a fucking idiot.

So what to do? How to deal with it? Is grounding effective? We cannot govern the home when we are at work. He blatantly disrespected the noone in the house when noone is home rule.

Gah. I hate boys.

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I'm NOT saying I like it

But apparently, it's running on the dreadmill that is killing me. I did my run today (4/1 x 6) outside again, in the sunshine, and it *swallow* wasn't so bad. Yes, my hips hurt, and I'm sure they will kill tomorrow, but with all I have on my mind, it was good to get out and exert myself. And it wasn't HALF as bad as Monday on the machine. I'm thinking I need to get out more.

Speaking of "all I have on my mind". Logan had to have an EKG today. Watching your child be hooked up to a heart moniter... not cool. The doctor listened to his heart today and said that it was beating irregular. He had collapsed in school today when standing in the hall. Just fell against a locker and slid down. The nurse felt his pulse was irratic, and his pupils were not responding in a way she liked. So they called me and dropped him off at the care clinic.

Then, we're ate the BioMedical Lab, and the EKG is being done, and the tech askes him about his pain. He tells her that today's was different, it was the first time he had that pain. The other pain is when he breathes too deep sometimes, it feels like his lungs are crushing his heart to his chest. Quote unquote. How long has this been happening she asks. A couple years, he responds. I'm sitting in the corner with huge eyeballs. This is the first I've heard about this, I tell the techie. Logan says "it always went away so I didn't think it was worth saying anything to anyone". Gawd!!

So because he's only 14, the test has to go to a pediatrician, and they will call us in a couple of days.

The waiting begins.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

omg... SO fucking awkward

So, here we are in the living room. Picture it. Logan and Kirsten are sitting in my spot on the couch. Doug on the floor facing over the coffee table to the love seat, Grant facing the couch, and me on the loveseat. Somehow Grant, Doug and I go off on a tangent. We turn to the couch, only to see Logan completly lip locked with her. Completley lip locked with bodies as close as possible. Doug's reaction? Threw a book at him. The scene then consisted of death eyes glaring him down, with one enunciated word. "Inappropriate."

Doug's later statement: "I was raised that if you see something you haven't seen before, throw a rock at it. I look over and see my little brother making out. I've never seen that before. I didn't have a rock. I threw a book."


Fish and chipped, Dude. Seriously. I mean seriously. Dude.

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Logan's Moment

Logan spent the night at a friends last night. He left me a note after the dance. It said:

Hey Mom, the dance was great. I got a new girlfriend. Her name is Kristen. We had our first kiss and a half hour later is was french kissing, so... I'm at Aarons.



Yep, you read that right.

I was posting to WW about my results and realized that I have not been in the 150's since 1989, when I lived on River Road and had my slut year. (Good year, that one).

Anyway, I'm in the middle of posting, figure that out, and burst into tears. 1989. That was 19 years ago. I am right now the skinniest that my sons have ever seen me (that Doug would remember).

I'm sitting here trying so hard not to bawl. I'm so afraid of going back and being a statistic. I can't do it. I have to keep at this. I cannot fail. I cannot do that to myself. I feel so good now. I feel womanly. I feel sexy. I feel noticed. I need to keep focused on those feelings and remember that I am WORTH IT.

I worked hard this week. I took a good honest look at my portions and listened hard for satisfaction from my body. I didn't keep eating because it was there. On core the challenge is knowing when you've had enough, and I do struggle a little bit with that. My body doesn't naturally sigh like it's supposed to. I think all that extra weight had stifled it. It's coming back, though. Slowly but surely. It's like Sam's doctor said. Your body had to adjust to the weight. It now has to adjust back. It's a slow procedure with aches and pains in the process, but it'll happen.

I'm so proud of me. I am .6 away from having lost 50 pounds. That is a huge amount of weight, and I've done it smart and healthy over a longish period of time. Statistically speaking, I'm definately on the right track. And because I'm so aware (read: afraid) of putting it back on, I know I won't.

Plus I have an amazing support circle. We have to keep each other accountable. It's about living healthy and living long. We need each other. I need them.

Okay, I'm getting seriously maudlin. It's just that I've been waiting for the 150's for weeks. I can't believe I'm here.