If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Saturday, March 1, 2008


Yep, you read that right.

I was posting to WW about my results and realized that I have not been in the 150's since 1989, when I lived on River Road and had my slut year. (Good year, that one).

Anyway, I'm in the middle of posting, figure that out, and burst into tears. 1989. That was 19 years ago. I am right now the skinniest that my sons have ever seen me (that Doug would remember).

I'm sitting here trying so hard not to bawl. I'm so afraid of going back and being a statistic. I can't do it. I have to keep at this. I cannot fail. I cannot do that to myself. I feel so good now. I feel womanly. I feel sexy. I feel noticed. I need to keep focused on those feelings and remember that I am WORTH IT.

I worked hard this week. I took a good honest look at my portions and listened hard for satisfaction from my body. I didn't keep eating because it was there. On core the challenge is knowing when you've had enough, and I do struggle a little bit with that. My body doesn't naturally sigh like it's supposed to. I think all that extra weight had stifled it. It's coming back, though. Slowly but surely. It's like Sam's doctor said. Your body had to adjust to the weight. It now has to adjust back. It's a slow procedure with aches and pains in the process, but it'll happen.

I'm so proud of me. I am .6 away from having lost 50 pounds. That is a huge amount of weight, and I've done it smart and healthy over a longish period of time. Statistically speaking, I'm definately on the right track. And because I'm so aware (read: afraid) of putting it back on, I know I won't.

Plus I have an amazing support circle. We have to keep each other accountable. It's about living healthy and living long. We need each other. I need them.

Okay, I'm getting seriously maudlin. It's just that I've been waiting for the 150's for weeks. I can't believe I'm here.


Tracy Smith said...

I how long you have waited to be in the 50's.....and it's been a long well fought battle. You deserve to be very proud of yourself. I can't wait to cry when I get there. I cried reading your post...I'm gonna bawl when I get to post mine. Luv ya!!