If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Friday, June 3, 2016

Gym Musings

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Gym Musings: I had the WORST anxiety about it, which is so new to me. I'm not a highly anxious person. I'm normally pretty chill. So to find myself reaching for the phone to cancel because I felt so sick about going was weird for me. Luckily my gym buddy had just texted saying she was ready. I drove to her place so we could carpool there, and cried all the way there. I talked myself through it and kept going, but it was so so bizarre, the level of anxiety.
She was great, she recognized immediately that I was in distress and hustled me in the car, chattering brightly to distract me. As usual, she was my strength when I couldn't find it within. 
So, we went to Club 16. The desk staff was super friendly. I had to fill out a form online, and then I got a paper pass for three days and that was it, I was in. I have to admit I was taken aback that that was it. No tour? Nobody to talk to me and sell me on why I want to make this my home gym? You just let me loose in here to kill myself on these contraptions? If I hadn't had my gym buddy I would have been lost. Literally. Like, they didn't even point out where the change room or doors were. Being in sales and customer service, I found this really odd. Hubby says that's normal, though, in gyms.
We did a walk through of the co-ed part. It's huge. And intimidating as hell. I would definitely need to hire someone to teach me what to do if I were to venture there.
We headed into the She's Fit side. It was quiet, serene... quite lovely, actually. We hopped on a treadmill and walked for twenty minutes, chattering. I kept thinking "are people going to get mad that we are talking?" and I'm sure that a couple of the ladies in there were miffed, but they didn't say anything.
The treadmills are state of the art, and I love that if you are there alone you can just plug your earbuds into the machine and watch the built in tv. Much nicer than everyone staring at the one on the wall. You can watch whatever you want.
They have a circuit in there. Two, actually, the She's Fit and the Co-ed. the Co-ed machines are superior. We stuck with the She's Fit side. I remember Curves used to advertise this thing, so I had a basic understanding of how it works. There are traffic lights, red and green. You work on the machine during the green, and during the red you move to the next machine. It alternates upper and lower body. If you hit every machine you target every muscle. It's a full body work out in half an hour.
I thought about this a lot last night and decided this is exactly what I'm looking for. I'm not looking to lose weight or build muscle, really. I'm looking to retain my strength as my body gets to a healthier place. The walking is fine, and I've been using my resistance bands, but I don't know enough to know I'm getting EVERY muscle. The circuit does the thinking for me. I like this idea.
My body is tight and a little sore this morning, which feels great. I didn't want to kill myself, I just wanted to move stuff. I moved stuff. I can feel it. I'm so proud of myself for just doing it, despite my ridiculous anxiety.
Today I'm going back and I'll do the circuit first and then spend whatever I have left in me on the treadmill walking. I think that makes sense for me and my limitations.
Tomorrow we try Fitness Unlimited. They are waiving drop in fees for the day. I think it's fair to give both gyms a shake, so we are heading there at 10:30am to give it a go. I'll let you know how it pans out.

Anxiety Much?

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Going to the gym for the first time tonight.
Really scared.
Weird mental block.
Moving past it.
Still really scared.
Doing this.

Today Vs Yesteryear

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I had to go through my son's wedding pics the other day to pull some for an album I'm making for Steve's grandmother. One of the best days of my life, and yes, I looked beautiful... for a fat girl.
Say what you will, but it's true. I know, I know, I've had people say "don't talk about yourself that way, it hurts me". Well... tough. I'm calling it like it is. At just under two hundred pounds at five foot freakin TWO, would you prefer I use the medical terminology? Morbidly Obese. No? Let's just go with fat then, shall we?
The first time I lost weight, as I've mentioned a few times, I was not in a great place mentally (without knowing it). I just now had an AHA moment.
Yes, it was initially tough to look at those pics. Yes, I think I looked beautiful that day. Yes, I was incredibly happy, and my weight wasn't a factor in anything that day. Today, I look at those pics and I accept that that's where I was then. Doesn't sound like much, but let me tell you, this is unbelievably ginormous for me. That first journey brought me to a place of utter shame for my former fat self. I couldn't look at pictures of my past without hating on myself for letting myself get there and be okay with it for so long. Today I'm ACCEPTing my reality.
Side Note: Funny, I had this same thought process last night as I wandered around the track. I actually talked myself past feelings of self depreciation for not having been there for four years, and turned my mind to praising the fact that I'm back and making positive changes. I then trounced happily around the track one more time (which in retrospect my hips tell me I shouldn't have, but my mind needed it).
As I look through pictures of the last four years and I think about what was, I find myself more forgiving. I recognize that I was not in a good place mentally. I was in a deep depression that nobody really knew about. I have sympathy for myself that I allowed myself to get fat again, but I soothe my soul with the knowledge that I'm not living that any more. I would never ever berate someone I love, and I am not berating myself. Mind blowing, if you knew me back then.
I can look at those pictures today and say "I was so happy that day. I love my dress. My hat is to DIE for. My growing family is so beautiful. My face shines with happiness and love. These pictures are a true representation of my loved ones' happiness and where we were in 2015".
Accept your reality. Today's AND yesterday's. If you don't love today's, change it. One tiny decision at a time.


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I think I'll post some of my FB musings here...