Disclaimer:


If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.

♥♥

Friday, November 28, 2008

We Now Return to our Regularily Scheduled Programming

Okay... so I didn't go COMPLETELY hog crazy with my emotional eating the last two days, but I certainly wasn't perfect! Lots of popcorn with buttery becel *shakes fist at becel makers*. A Milky Way chocolate bar (I am pmsing, too, dammit), and 1/3 of a Pecan Caramel Nestle Sundae. Oh, and pizza, three slices. Oh and decadent extra large coffee from 7-11 with about three ounces of mint oreo hot chocolate in it.

Sigh.

Weigh in should be fun, huh? LOL

So, today's menu is:

Br: Open Face Omellete Sammich (1/2 flax bagel, 3 egg whites, 1 mushroom, 2 tbsp gr onion, 1/4 avocado, 1 tblsp asiago)

Lu: Salmon fillet w/ Spinach Salad (2oz spinach, 1oz brocslaw, 1/4 cup craisins, 1 tbsp asiago)

Sn: cuppa tea w/ paper bag popcorn

Dn: McDonald's (1 chicken fajita and a fruit & yoghurt parfait)

I will get my whole 2 litres of water in today.

Excercise will be a 30 minute step aerobic workout on the high step.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

AAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!

My people do not GET me.

Steve, the other night "what's wrong?" HELLO!! I just found out three hours ago that my mother DIED.

Doug after I ask him for support says he does then goes on to tell me how overwhelmed HE is with MY life story. HELLO!! Back to you???? Can we just focus on me for ONE conversation, PLEASE????

Logan today, "are you tired or something?" I snapped on the poor guy. "Hello?? I just found out my mother is dead, and I'm dealing with issues with my father, wtf do you think is wrong?" His response "I'm just trying to make polite conversation to help you forget about it"?

Sigh. Then I had to explain to him, through gritted teeth, trying NOT to scream his face off (cuz it's really not his fault, he's just doing the best he can with the tools he has), that I don't WANT to forget. This is my LIFE. I need to be in it, not ignoring it. Ignoring it does not make it go away, and it does NOT make it easier. I have to learn to live WITH my emotions, deal with them, and move ON.

Poor Logan. He's only 15. He honestly is trying. The rest of them, though? Could I BE more disappointed in two human beings?? It's like if it doesn't impact them directly, then it doesn't exist, or it doesn't matter. Life goes on.

Well, yes, life goes on. But how hard would it be to take five seconds out to just say "I hope you are okay and if you need me I'm here". WithOUT then making it about you.

I'm ALLOWED to have down time, and considering how much support I give on a daily basis, how come it's so fucking difficult to get from some people without having to do a whole lot of explaining???

Okay, rant over.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for your support. I do appreciate you.

I just have to remember that expectations ARE pre-meditated resentments, and it's my issue, not theirs.

A Day of Sadness

Yesterday felt like a day of action. I didn't hang out last night, waiting for the phone to ring. I felt that would be unhealthy for me, as I didn't expect him to call (which he didn't). But I knew my heart would jump every time that phone rang. And it rings a lot, with having a teenager in the house.

I went out to Tracy's and had an amazing visit. It was nice to have some time of just the two of us, catching up on the craziness that has visited our lives in the last little while. I came home late, and the dogs were already in bed. I didn't want to go into my office to check the call display, because I didn't want them to wake up and want out. I did search around the house, but Logan must have had the other phone in his room. So I shrugged and went to bed, without knowing if he had called. Pat myself on the back.

Of course, the first thing I did getting up just now was ... well, it was let the dogs out ... but the first thing after THAT was to check the call display. An unknown caller! A message on the phone! My sister Magda, wondering if I actually live here since I'm not ever home to answer her calls... LOL.

Today I feel... lethargic. I'm going to take today and wallow a little bit. I've been strong, determined, and self respecting, and today I'm feeling a little sad. I'm dropping below the line today, and just hanging out with me and my dogs. I feel like I need to get my house in order, literally as well as figuratively.

I don't want to talk to anyone, I need to really delve into myself and figure out what I need to do to move on. I need to really spend some time in my head today.

Thank you, everyone. Seriously. I could feel the love and support carrying me yesterday. I felt strong and in control, and I knew that I had every one of you backing me up.

(((((hugs))))))

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

He wasn't home

I left the letter, with the framed picture in a gift bag, hanging on his doorknob. I chatted briefly with his neighbour, who wanted to ensure that nothing valuable was left. She asked if he was expecting me, to which I replied with a small smile, "no".

My heart had a little flutter when I pulled in front of the house, and yet it was with confidence that I approached and knocked on the door. You know, I was actually a little disappointed that he wasn't there. I'd rather have known immediately what the state of the nation is.

Instead, it has begun. I came home and immediately checked the call display. How long will that go on, I wonder, before I secede that it is over?

I wish I knew where Lorraine is buried. Did you know today is her birthday? Ironic, isn't it? I was thinking that I would like to visit her grave, and wish her to rest in peace. I hope she had no regrets at the end, and was with peace with her decisions in life. I think that's what we all wish for ourselves, isn't it?

I took a walk down memory lane... or what's left of it. First stop was Chimo Pool. Except I got there in time to watch for a few minutes as a Cat was moving the chunks of concrete that were formerly the pool into the dumptruck. They built a new aquatic centre across the street. It's beautiful. But that I was still sad to see that part of my history being destroyed in front of my eyes.

I went and toodled through the skating rink, which will be the next phase of the plan. I smiled to see the floor with all the skate scarring. It's still the original floor, which means that some of those skate marks are Diane's. Very cool. I wandered around the centre, and went into the curling rink restaurant. I used to sit in there hiding from life, many moons ago.

I walked down to Centennial School. It's changed. I wandered the halls a little bit, but the things I remember are gone.

I went to Tipton Street and parked at the top of it. I meandered down the street, walking slowly, lookint at all the houses. I marvelled at the trees that I remember being planted. I stared up at them, with a whimsical smile on my face. I stood in front of my house, and waited for the emotion to wash over me. And it did... in a way. All I could think was "rest in peace".

I stood in front of the Baird residence, beside my old house. I smiled to myself, remembering Karen and I playing cats, crawling all over the front yard. And poor Alison, wanting so badly to play with us, but us being completely cruel to her (she is Karen's younger sister and we were MUCH too cool to hang out with her. Sorry Alison!).

I walked up to the top of Lemax, only to find Mrs. Upton's house demolished and a new house under construction. That made me sad for a moment. A took a minute to remember, then moved back down the street. I chatted a second with a home owner who was outside doing maintenance. Then I continued back past my house, and got in my car and left.

I stopped at 7-11 for a coffee, and considered if I wanted to indulge in something decadent. Did I want a hot dog? Maybe a fajita? A breakfast bunwich? I wandered, touched, looked at calories, and ended up deciding that I was actually not hungry and that if I got anything it would be allowing my day to dictate my health. I was not prepared to do that.

Now THAT put a whole new spin on things. I realized that I am okay. I am not "stuffing" or "bottling". I really am okay. Yes, I'm aprehensive about whether or not Larry will call. But not of the call itself. I welcome it. It's the next week of waiting to see if it will happen that I am anxious about.

But today? Today I had a good day. I reconciled a lot of stuff. I came to a clear understanding of where I am today, who I am today, and more importantly, who I am NOT today.

I'll tell you whom I am not. A victim. Nor do I feel like a survivor. I feel like someone who has a great life, with a great family, an amazing support network of people who love me, and that I am someone who is just really blessed. That's whom I am.

Thank you, one and all, for your support today. I'll let you know if he calls.

The Letter


This is the letter I will leave in the mailbox, along with this picture, if he is not home.

Hello,

Funny, I don’t know what to call you? Should I call you Larry? Or dad?

I know this seems completely out of the blue. The reason is that I just learned last night about Lorraine’s passing. It came as quite a shock to me. Unfortunate circumstances kept me from receiving the message.

I trust that this letter finds you well. I had hoped to actually see you, and maybe sit down for a coffee and find out how you are doing. It must be hard, being alone in the house after so many years of marriage and companionship.

I have no expectations of a relationship. It has been too many years, with too much water under the bridge to expect that. I think what I had hoped for was for you to have the knowledge that I turned out well. That my life is fantastic, and in large part because of the upbringing I had, both the good and the not so good.

I am married to a wonderful man. You met him at Aunty Elsie’s that time. Steve works for the Vancouver School Board. He’s the locksmith for East Vancouver. My children are 22 and 15. Doug lives in Chilliwack, and is currently managing an apartment building with his cousin. Logan is 15, in grade 10, and is in the process of deciding what kind of engineer he wants to be. Yesterday he came home to show me the requirements for Environmental Engineering. His Uncle Tony (Doug’s father’s twin brother) is an EE, so he will be having a long chat with him at the family Christmas gathering.

I have a wonderful extended family. I found my birth mother ten years ago. We are an amazing success story of love and genetics. I am exactly like her, which is wonderful, because she is an amazing woman that I respect and admire. I have a biological half sister, Magda, who teaches kindergarten in Taipei and has become a very dear friend and sister to me. I have a chosen sister, Sam, who is my best friend. Her mom took me under her wing back when I was 17. She was a mom to me right up until she died 11 years ago. I also have a chosen brother, Rob. He has cerebral palsy, and doesn’t let his handicap get in the way of the life he wants to lead. I have never sought out my biological father.

Anyways, I think I’ve rambled enough. I just wanted you to know that I’ve been okay. More than okay. I always thought in the back of my mind that despite everything, you cared. I didn’t want there to be any regrets on either side.

You are welcome to telephone me, if you would like to get together to have that coffee I mentioned. (phone number here).

Warmest regards,
Dee

No Regrets

I need some closure.

With Lorraine, I knew exactly where I stood with her. I knew that she had washed her hands of me both physically and psychologically. I knew that there was absolutely no hope of reconcilliation, that my advances and attempts were completely not wanted.

So I'm not really all that suprised to have woken up this morning still not mourning (the adult me).

Then there is Larry/Dad. I don't even know what to call him, I'm so uncertain.

Growing up, I always felt like I was daddy's little girl. He travelled a lot for work, and when he was gone, the abuse was uncontrolled. I hang on to little things... like the last time that she had ripped my room apart while I was in school, then made me sit in the middle of it "until your father gets home to see what you have done". I will never forget looking tearfully up at him and whispering "I didn't do it". And him looking tearfully down at me and whispering back "I know".

I used to wish, hope and dream that they would get divorced, so I could go and live with my dad. THEN life would be good. THEN I wouldn't have to walk home with that sinking feeling in my tummy, wondering what she's done this time, or what she's going to do to me today.

As I became a teen, I rebelled. I ran away. I became an embarrassment. I can say that, as an adult, looking back on the situation from their point of view. Sure we had problems, but we never took it outside the home. I remember Lorraine telling me I couldn't attend Al-A-Teen, because "she was the one with the problem, not me". She didn't want anyone knowing, was the problem.

When I started running away, my dad always knew where to find me. And he let me stay out there, until he felt it was no longer a safe place for me, or it became to hard for him because he was missing me. I'll never forget him showing up on the doorstep of the man I was staying with, Constable Bell beside him, and telling me he had to come and get me because it was one of the boys' birthdays and the whole family had been together and it wasn't right without me there. Do you know, that was the very first and last time I ever remember my mother hugging me? And it was only because there were people there. She made sure to look me in the eyes first, so I could see how she really felt.

Life was unbearable in my teen years. I made a lot of bad choices. Most of them, at the time, seemed like the only choice. There are a couple I'll forever regret. Missing Don and Louise's wedding stands out at the top of the list.

When I moved out, there was a big tantrumy scene, and my parents called the police to mediate. Constable Bell came. He put down that I could leave (I was a month shy of 17), as long as I phoned home once a week to say I was okay. I didn't even have to tell them where I was.

I remember standing out in the carport with my garbage bag of stuff. My mother wouldn't let me take much. It was so sad to have to leave behind my bookshelf. But I'll never forget standing out in the carport waiting for Doug and Steve to come and get me from Maple Ridge... and my dad coming out and waiting with me. I don't recall what we talked about, except one line. "Don't get pregnant, Diane".

Five months later the police drop me off on their doorstep, pregnant. Was that the beginning of the end for him?

They put me in Maywood Home for Unwed Mothers. I went willingly. I had no other options outside of the streets. I don't remember if he came to see me.

When I had the baby, I named him after his father and my father. If he had been a girl, his middle name would have been after Lorraine. I was desperate for approval. The interaction I had was with my mother, at that point.

The next time I saw my father, he brought a tricycle out for Douglas. He was two. I lived in a shack. He stayed for a bit and visited. I hugged that visit close to me for years. I beleived in my heart of heart that if it weren't for Lorraine, he would have stayed being my daddy.

More years went by. I saw them a couple of times. It's now been probably 13 years since I had my last contact with them.

Sam had a very tense conversation with Larry, trying to get an item from my childhood back, that involved my mother shrieking in the background and Larry saying that I was a horrible teenager and that I made them look like animals or something like that. It broke my heart, and I thought him lost forever. I put it to bed.

I worked the last ten years to put that family behind me and move on with my life. And I've succeeded.

Yesterday, after receiving the email from Louise and learning Lorraine was dead, I called Sam. Without knowing it, she uttered one line that changed my world perception completely (which we clarified later). What it comes down to is that we don't know if he was saying the things he said because his wife was freaking out or if it came from his heart.

I have to know.

He has had cancer twice. He's not well. He's 71. If he dies, and I have not gone to see if I am truly dead in his eyes as I was in hers, I will forever regret it. Feeling as I am about Lorraine, I know that I'm in a good place with her. I'm not with my father. I need to look him in the eyes and say hi.

So I'm driving out there today. I'm going to do a workout, then shower and dress with care. Then I am driving out to Coquitlam and I'm going to knock on his door.

Worst case scenario, he's not home.

Second worse case scenario, he answers and welcomes me. They truly are a disfunctional family, and I have stated (and meant it) for many years that I am better off without them in my life.

Best case scenario, he slams the door in my face. Then it is done, and I can mourn it, and then put it away, knowing I once again tried to make peace and was the bigger person.

I think the scariest part of all is that I actually slept really well last night. I woke up this morning with the same peaceful resolve. I know in my heart of hearts that I am doing the right thing. It's almost the same feeling I had in the hour before my wedding.

I don't have a plan of what to say. And I'm not even thinking about it. Maybe "hi". Maybe I'll ask him to come out with me for coffee. I don't know. Maybe he'll slam the door and I won't need to say anything.

I'll let you know how it goes.

No regrets.

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Screeching Halt

Today I learned that Lorraine is dead.

For those that know me, you are sitting back with your hand over your mouth saying "whoa".

For those that don't... in a nutshell, I grew up in an adopted family. My mother, Lorraine, was a drunk. She was abusive on every level except sexual. My childhood was horrific, which lead to a tumultuous teen life. Which led to teen pregnancy. Which lead to being disowned.

I stalked this family for 17 years. I sat outside of their home, wishing I could go up to the front door, knock and have her open the door, open her arms, enfold me, and say she was sorry, and that she really DID love me. I wrote letters and received no responses. I apologized for being such a rotten child. No response. I asked for the opportunity for us to get to know each other on a new, adult level. No response.

I found my birth mother 10 years ago. About four years ago, I stopped thinking of them all the time. I stopped sitting outside their house on Christmas day, hoping they would see me and invite me in (how pathetic am I?). Craning for a glimpse... just a glimpse... of someone, anyone.

Today I learned that she died a year ago. Cancer of the liver. Well, the doctors call it cancer. I call it Karma.

But this is not about her. This is about me. I always wondered how I would feel at this moment. Would I cry? Would I be devestated? Would I laugh and rejoice? How does one feel when a mother, who is a stranger, who hates you, whom you loved, whom you hated, dies?

Apparently one is numb. I feel... withdrawn. I don't want anyone to touch me. I'm not... mourning. But I'm not okay, either.

Regrets... do I have any? Not with her. I tried. Repeatedly. She shunned me absolutely. I am not sad that she is gone. I am not happy about it, either. That's not who I am.

The only thought that has brought tears to my eyes so far is that "it's over". I will never ever have that womans love or approval. And yes, I know, I don't need it. It's not about that. Please, no trite comments. I'm baring my soul here...

The little girl in me, that clamoured to be loved... she is mourning. The hopeful young woman who wrote a letter, asking forgiveness and to be brought back into the family, then mailing it away and eagerly checking the mail every day for weeks as the hope of a response died with each day that passed. She is mourning.

The strong happy woman today, she's looking at this and shaking her head, thinking it's okay, I'll take care of you. You have me now.

That's all I got right now. I may be back.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Great Quote

The brain is in charge and that our muscles will do what the brain says. If it says to keep going then the muscles keep going."

Dr. Oz

Makes ya think, doesn't it? How many times in a crazy workout have you thought "I just can't go on, I can't do it".

Ahhh, Monday

After the weekend, I'm always glad to be back to my routine's. *stops to pet the hampster*

I've made my menu for the day:

Br: Smoothie (1/4 cup yoghurt, 1/4 cup sweet potato, 1 tablespoon ground flax, 1/2 cup milk, 1/2 banana, 3 strawberries, and vanilla, banana, and coconut extracts)

Lu: Spinach Salad Extrodinaire (2oz spinach, 2 oz brocslaw, 1/4 cup craisins, 3 tablespoons cottage cheese, 1 tablespoon shredded asiago, 3 oz dark chicken meat)

Sn: paperbag popcorn

Dn: 4 oz pork loin chop, 3 baby yellow potatoes, steamed broccoli

Sn: Pomegranate

Plus, I'm committing to doing Jillian Michaels Shred on Monday, Wednesday and Friday of this week. Plus I will get in some walking, and some treadmilling.

Must make up for those chili cheese dogs somehow!!

Friday, November 21, 2008

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Check out this blog...

Click on the title.

Seriously, I'm not even through the first page and I'm nodding like a maniac. This woman is a food addict with an alcoholic mother.

Her post last Thursday, titled Urges? OMG, that's me.

I'm going back to read more...

Thursday's Menu

Br: Smoothie (1/4 cup sweet potato, 1/4 cup ff plain yoghurt, 1 tablespoon ground flax, 3 strawberries, 1/2 banana, 1/2 cup skim milk, 1/4 cup egg white, and vanilla, banana & coconut extract)

Lu: Brocslaw egg white omellet, leftover steamed cabbage

Sn: not sure yet... could be paper bag popcorn and a cuppa tea

Dn: buffalo salsbury steak, rice, steamed cauliflower & package gravy

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

Jillian Michaels SHREDDED my ass!

Click on the title to see the DVD that kicked my ass today. And I only did level one!

Seriously, if you were to sit down and watch it, you'd think "meh, no problem", but you'd be WRONG!!! It's BRUTAL.

My "Just for Today" was to do a 30 minute workout and to sweat doing it. So when I learned that the workout on this DVD was only 20 minutes, I committed to take the dogs around the block after, for an additional 20 minutes of low impact. Except that the DVD kicked my ASS and that was the LONGEST around the block since I started this journey!

Seriously! I thought I was going to collapse!! My legs are jello, and here I am with two little demons demanding a walk... my own fault, I got them excited by saying it out loud. Still! Luckily, I use the brilliant umbilical tethering when I walk them. So I just let them drag me around the block by the leashes tied to my walking belt. My arms couldn't have carried the weight of those leashes if you had paid me.

I'm supposed to do 20 minutes a day, five days a week, for 30 days. I don't know if I'll make it to tomorrow, ffs!!

My plan today:

Br: Protien smoothie (1/4 cup egg white, 1/2 banana, 1/4 cup sweet potato, 1/2 cup milk, 3 strawberries, vanilla and banana extract, 1 tablespoon ground flax)

Lu: Salmon, Spinach Salad (2 oz spinach, 2 oz brocslaw, 1/4 cup craisins, 1 tbspn asiago, 1/2 oz snow peas, 1/2 ounce orange pepper, 3 tbsp cottage cheese, dill, cilantro)

Sn: apple, cinnamon, 1/4 cup yoghurt, 1/4 cup fibre1

Dn: pork loin, rice, steamed broccoli & cauliflower

Dn: paper bag popcorn.

Monday, November 17, 2008

GAME ON!!!

Okay, folks... I am back with a vengeance!

I had a WONDERFUL food vacation, and mission accomplished, I can't WAIT to get back to healthy choices and eating to satisfaction! My body feels sluggish and blah, and needs to rev back up to it's fine tuned self.

So what's on YOUR menu for today??

Br: Smoothie in my new blender! (1/4 cup egg white, 1/2 cup ff plain yoghurt, 1 cup skim milk, 1/2 frozen banana, 3 frozen strawberries, 1/4 cup frozen blueberries, 1 tablespoon ground flax, 1 tsp olive oil, dash of vanilla extract)

Lu: Salad (2 oz spinach, 2 oz brocslaw, 1 oz imitation crab, 1/4 cup craisins, 1 tblsp shredded romano)

Sn: 1/2 cup cottage cheese

Sn: apple

Dn: curried chicken burger & 1 cup smashed yam w/ sf maple syrop

Sn: pomegranate

Saturday, November 15, 2008

Holy Crappers!

When I food vacation, I do it RIGHT! I'm actually naseaus this morning at the thought of anything remotely unhealthy. And I gave myself until Monday. So for today, definately healthier choices, without being uber strict if I don't want to.

The things I ate yesterday... check this out:

Br: custard oatmeal
Sn: 1 whole flax bagel, both sides coated in 1/4 avocado & ff processed cheese then toasted
Lu: bbqpork tv dinner & 1 chimichanga coated with ff plain yoghurt
Sn: 1/4 cup cottage cheese, bag of jellybeans that was weighting my balloon
Dn: A&W Papa burger, plain with extra cheese, onion rings, diet root beer
Sn: Peanut Buster Parfait

Nevermind the TWO Keg prime rib & lobster dinners I had this week, plus all the dim sum, bread, pizza, Wendy's Bacon Mushroom Melt & a Frosty & cookies galore. Oh, and a package of Wasabi peas that have been in the cupboard for weeks. I couldn't bring myself to spare the calories normally, so I took the opportunity to eat them while on food vacation. Plus I had major popcorn with real butter.

For the most part, I still drank my water. But I haven't excercised at all.

Duuuuuuuuude. Craziness.

I was 151 on the scale this morning. I'll have most of that off by next week, and then will be able to continue on with my journey.

But I've had fun!! And more importantly, I've reminded myself WHY choosing to eat healthier is better. My body feels like a garbage bucket.

Friday, November 14, 2008

Sneaking in to say HI...

and flouncing back out to go eat something not so healthy. Why? Cuz I CAN!!

Actually, truth be told, I'm starting to really crave a spinach salad. This means my plan is working, and I'm getting all the unhealthy obsessions out of my mind for a few months again!

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

I'm officially declaring...

... a food vacation. I've completely blown this week, what with having mummy here, and just choosing to indulge in things I don't normally. And since I have been ultra strict with myself, I decided to throw it out for this week, and just enjoy myself.

Monday morning I'll be back in the game. Until then... will I excercise? Only if I feel like it. What will I eat? Who knows! Whatever strikes my fancy! Will I count calories? Nope. But will I be concious of the calories anyways? Oh you know I will. So will I be unconciously careful anyways? At least 70% of the time... lol.

This is my life. I choose to enjoy it... in increments. Food vacations let me blow off steam, and allow me to eat sensibly 90% of the time.

It works for me.

Friday, November 7, 2008

2 days of 30 left

Okay, I think I am truly officially freaking out now. I went and picked my mother up from the airport, which means she is here to celebrate my birthday with me. Very cool side note: this will be the first birthday we have been together since the day I was born.

I woke up at 6 this morning, thinking about my party, who's going to be there, and especially about who's not going to be there (and no, Mag, I don't mean you, we are good). A lot of reflection for so early in the morning.

Mom gave me my birthday present early. It's a library of workout DVD's!! Two more of the crazy Indian woman belly dance one I have, and LOVE. A three disc set of more intense belly dancing. A totally cool looking hard rock/punk aerobic dance one, and Jillian's workout!!! So stoked! Not sure which I will want to do first!! I'm thinking my neice will want to do the belly dancing with me. I think we can have some great bonding time over it. Learn it together.

Damn. 40. Why is this so hard? I have been really optimistic, saying the right things, walking the right paths... and all of a sudden, this week, I'm a blithering mess. I don't get it!! I know how fortunate I am. I know how healthy I am. I know how far I've come. I know how hard I worked to get here healthy both in body and mind. So why am I being SUCH a freak??? I can placate myself till the cows come home, but I still have a little me inside that is screaming at the top of her lungs something about "the hill". Gah!!

On a positive note, I jumped on the scale this morning and it read 144.8lbs. Woot!! When I get on my computer (I'm on the kid's one, since mom is sleeping in the office and I type like I'm punching a manual typewriter still... see? I am old!), I'll check, but I think that's my lowest yet.

I did my WI today, in case I decide to indulge a bit while out with Mummy today. I've been crazy diligent all week, fighting the cookie monster that lives within. We have a thread on the FoodTalk forum on weightwatchers.ca called Just For Today. ALL this week has been about the damn cookies. Yesterday, I won! YESSSSSSSSS.

Oh, another NSV? Mom was hungry when we got out of the airport, and it was 10 at night. I kinda figured she would be as she is usually a nightmare traveler when it comes to managing her foods, and besides it had been five hours since I had eaten and I knew I was going to be hungry again, so I had saved a couple hundred calories "just in case". Sure enough, it was a good plan. We went to Denny's. You know what I had? Oatmeal. No sugar, no milk, just a glass of water and plain oatmeal. Woot! Wasn't that great though, because apparently they salt the SHIT out of the water. Ptooo! But I was hungry, so I ate it anyways, and I resisted loading it with crap. It's all part of my "food can be fuel, and doesn't always have to taste awesome", mindset.

Well, it's going to be a good day. Mom and I are hitting Costco. Other than that, we don't really have any plans for the day. I want to go and kiss my neice (the little one). She turns seven today. My little baby girl is growing up too fast. She's the baby of the family, and definately not a baby anymore!! It's funny, I don't talk to her about my age because she is convinced that 40 is right next to death. When she had asked how old I was going to be, I told her and she clutched my hand, looked up at me with an angst ridden face and blurted "but I don't want you to die, Aunty!!" Good Lord!! How disconcerting is THAT??? LOLOLOL

Off Topic: Gum Boots. I'm going to get some today I think. This is a big step. And I kinda feel silly even saying it, but here goes. I have HUGE issues with gum boots. As a little girl, all the other little girls had pretty yellow or pink or purple gum boots. Mine? Handmedowns from my brothers. Black with red toes and soles. You know the ones I mean. I HATED them. I would have rather been soaking wet. Hmmm, now that I say that, I wonder if that's where my "I don't melt" attitude stems from. I'd rather be wet than wear ugly boots??? Maybe. Anywho, I have quite frankly always wanted pretty gum boots, but of course it's just in recent years that they have become popular in adult sizes. Now I'm ready to face this demon (the gum boot demon... how stupid is that??) and put it behind me and buy some fun / pretty gum boots for ME. *pant pant pant* Freaks me out. WHY??? I'm such a boob this week, I tell ya. Why the hell is it so hard for me to let go of a stupid gum boot issue??? What is it about human nature than makes us want to hold on to our hurt and pain so we can pull it out and go "see? see?"? Why is it easier to hang on to it, and have it twist our souls rather than grab the fix and let it go??

It's about more than gumboots, isn't it? I'm thinking it might be... rofl. Geeez. Betcha you had no idea what you were getting into, reading this blog today. Little did YOU know what warped paths it would meander down into my psyche.

I wonder if my parents will be thinking of me on my birthday? How could they not? (for those that don't know, they disowned me when I had a bastard child at 17. It was their final straw on a horrid rocky period between us.) I hope they just wish me well, as I do them. I hope they have let go of the hurt and pain, and are able to look back and see some of the good that was my childhood. I hope they are well.

I think I'm purged. For now. I'm looking around trying to figure what else to write about. Which means my brain is cleared out for the moment. Thanks for taking the time to read this mess, and not judging me to be insane or worse... I hope... lol.

Oh, I guess I should blog my day, huh? With Mom here, it's hard to say how close my plan will be stuck to:

Br: egg white omelette, 1/4 cup yoghurt, strawberries, 1/4 cup fibre1
Lu: spinach salad w/ craisins, orange pepper, egg white
Sn: apple? carrots? Not sure if I'll even be home, so could be Starbucks, too.
Dn: maybe chicken breast, steamed cauliflower, couscous salad?
Sn: wine, wine, wine!!

Happy Friday, everyone. Make it a good one.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

I am FIGHTING

I have a sabotaging urge for some reason! It's the weirdest thing, and I'm fighting it tooth and nail.

I plan on wearing a very form fitting outfit on Saturday to my costume birthday party, so it is very important to me right now that I stay completely OP. And yet every fibre of my being wants to eat all the goodies I can! I actually have to fight the urge to run to the store and buy a Klondike bar and a bag of baked Dill Pickle chips!

WTF???

*deep breath*

I am stronger than the urge to eat unneccessarily.

*deep breath*

I do not NEED those foods, they are a want that is sabotaging, and I will not cave.

*deep breath*

I CAN and WILL stay OP.

Now, off to munch on a pomegranate. Keeps the fingers AND the mouth busy for very few calories! And has incredible health benefits. MUCH more than Klondike bars and baked chips.

Wednesday's Fuel

Good Morning!
Br: 1 cup ff plain yoghurt, dash banana extract, kiwi, strawberries, 1/4 cup fibre1
Lu: buffalo burger in a spinach salad with craisins (pts)
Sn: apple
Sn: brown bag popcorn
Dn: chicken breast, sweet potato, swiss chard
Sn: 1/2 pomagranate

Taking Measurements is IMPORTANT!!!

My weight has stayed relatively the same between August and now, but I just did my measurements again to find that I've lost a further four inches off my body! Here I thought I was maintaining, and that was it... HA!

I put on my favourite jeans yesterday, to find that I can stick my whole fist sideways in the waistband. Hm. Then today, my favourite workout pants felt weird. I haven't worn them for a couple of weeks. They feel loose, uncomfortably so.

I've lost another whole inch and a half in my waist. I now have a 32 inch waist!! In the last three months I've lost 4.5 inches, while not losing weight!

Here's my numbers (cuz I wanna brag). Remember, I started my journey in February 07.

Chest: 45.25 --> 39
Arm: 14.5 --> 11.5
Neck: 15.25 --> 13.5
Waist: 43.5 --> 32
Hips: 47.75 --> 38.5
Thigh: 25.5 --> 22.5

I've lost a total of 34.75 inches off my body. Whoa!!

I cannot stress enough to you how important it is to face that tape measure at the beginning of your journey. There were soooo many times that I was disappointed and felt like I was getting nowhere, only to take my measurements and float on a cloud. I took them only every three months or so. It wasn't something I kept top of mind by any means. I saved it for when I really really needed that confidence boost that I was going in the right direction, even if I couldn't see it in the mirror or on the scale.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

*shakes fist*

DAMN sweets!! PMS brings on the sugar cravings that cannot be denied. Then for the next week I suffer pangs and cravings and do my best not to give in but invariably fail, only to get the cravings under control and stop the sweets for two weeks to be hit with PMS all over again.

Today, an oatmeal raisin cookie at Safeway. I had sworn off the maple cookies, and even posted it on the "just for today" thread on FoodTalk. And I succeeded! No maple cookies passed these lips today! But I did not SAY oatmeal raisin, now DID I??

Gah!!

Fuel and discovery, extrodinaire!

Br: 1/2 bagel, 1 mushroom, 1/4 cup egg white, 1/4 avocado, 1 tablespoon Romano cheese
Lu: salmon, spinach salad
Sn: 1/2 cup cottage cheese, apple
Dn: buffalo salsbury steak w/ gravy, rice, steamed broccoli


You will note a new addition to my repitoire. Romano Cheese. Oh yeah, baby. So much of what I am reading says cut the "diet" crap and spend the calories on small amounts of the good stuff.

So I was in the grocery store, staring at all the cheeses, and realized that I am woefully ignorant on flavours of cheese! So I asked the lady next to me which one would be a good strong one for my pasta (actually, my spaghettie squash with the blue menu primavera sauce, which I highly HIGHLY recommend). My choices (based on sodium, fat, and calorie labels) had come down to Parmesan, Asiago, and Romano. She tells me that Parmesan is the mildest, and it's a toss up between the Asiago and the Romano. Except the Asiago was way higher in something... can't remember what, so I took the Romano.

YUM OH YUM! For one tablespoon it's 18 calories, 1.3g fat, 57mg sodium, and it's got a nice strong flavour so you don't need tons. One tablespoon compliments a meal beautifully.

I had it this morning on my omellete sandwich, replacing the usual slice of plastic ff processed crap. NO comparison!

In other news about me (cuz it's all about me, isn't it? Well, this blog is, anyways...) I'm not feelin the excercise thing lately. Wasn't sure why. Then I did a self inventory and realized that I'm kinda feeling "off". Explored a little deeper and WHAM it hit me. I have five days left in my 30's.

I can't say that it bothers me... that's too strong a word. Let's just say that I am VERY aware that I am turning 40 on Sunday. 40. Remember when 40 was ANCIENT? Now I'm doing everything I can to convince myself it is still young. "It's the new 30." What?? It's 40, no matter how you slice it. The only reason it's the "new 30" is because medical advancements have added ten years on our life expectancy. But 40 years is still 40 years for crying out loud. What a stupid statement. Really, it's just made up to placate people that are freaking out.

Not that I'm freaking out. Okay, maybe a little. But I have the right, dammit! I'm turning 40! Why the hell CAN't I freak out a little bit? It's MY 40th, and I can do as I damn well please!

Not that it pleases me... I can't seem to help it, actually. I've told myself all the good stuff. All my people have done their damnedest to placate me with all the positive speak. But as a wise soul told me recently, sometimes you need to let yourself freak out a little bit, so you can mourn it and move on in a healthier mindset than when you just stuff it. Right? RIGHT?????

Gah! I could go on forever here but I won't. I'm off to my corner. Tomorrows a new day. Except that tomorrow I will have only 4 days until I'm 40.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!