If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Cheese N Rice! (Nice way to swear)

How much snot can one body create??? I swear there's buckets of it coming out my nose.

My energy is coming back, which is good news. Yesterday we did an hour walk in the glorious sunshine. Today I'm going to walk the dogs again, but I'm also going to do a small run on the treadmill.

I'm kinda having a hard time getting my butt back into gear after being hit with this nefarious cold. My energy level has been so low for so long. Logically I know that when I get back in the saddle the energy will come back, but it's just so hard to do! So I'm baby stepping it.

My food? Not great. I am under my daily output of calories, but not by much, lemme tell ya! I try and keep 500 calories down per day, but the last three days have been bad. I didn't even bother counting Sat & Sun. Yesterday was only 100 under. Yeesh. I'm gonna have to really work it to have a loss on the scale on Sat.

I'm so stoked for tonight. I have a date! Well, not in the traditional sense... lol. Two boys that I grew up with in elementary school are meeting with me for drinks at the pub across the street tonight, and I am so looking forward to it!

Okay, commitment: run today, walk today, eat healthy all day to allow for goodies tonight but still pick healthier pub choices and only have one beer. :)

Saturday, September 27, 2008

A loss is a loss!

Down .2 lbs. Woot!

Friday, September 26, 2008

Definately On The Mend

So I wake up last night at 3am. And I'm laying there on my back, doing inventory, wondering why I'm awake. Do I have to pee? Nope. Is there noise? Nope. Then it hits me. I can breathe!

Today is a total snotfest, but the sinus' are clearing. I'm not medicated and I can breathe through my nose. Still incredibly tired, but I know that I'm on the mend.

Life is almost good again! Yay for Tylenol Cold Daytime and Nightime medication. Three days on that stuff and my cold is over! It's brutal, but it works. By day three I'm in no condition to drive anywhere, and barely functioning. Today I'm detoxing from the meds. LOL

We'll see what happens with WI tomorrow. I have no expectations. As long as it's in the 140's I'm fine with it, and I know it will be. Between the overload of calories at the wedding, and the underload in the last couple of days, whatever!

Thursday, September 25, 2008


I have no appetite whatsoever, and it's so hard to force fuel into my body right now. I feel so listless and don't want to move. I slept for 11 hours last night, and still don't feel like it's enough.

Mind you, at times like these I couldn't be more grateful for working from home. I rolled outta bed and into my office at 10am. I can take breaks and go make tea. Or just sit and cry over my nose being so chapped. And I don't have to drive anywhere while I'm hopped up on cold medication.

Shoot me.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Check this out for perspective!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

omg YUM

So my snack today, I bought Organic Pumpkin Seed Omega 3 Granola. If you look below I had 1/4 cup on 1/2 cup yoghurt with a banana. Unbelievably good!

Today's Fuel

Br: WW bagel w/ egg, 1/4 avocado, ff cheese
Lu: crock pot veggie soup
Sn: 1/4 cup Pumpkin Flax Granola w/ 1/2 cup yoghurt & banana
Dn: Pork chop, rice, swiss chard

Calories in: 1312
Calories out: 2055
Difference of: 743

Water: 2 litres or more

Vitamin: check!

Not moving today. Don't wanna. See below post. :(

Strep or Cold?

Hard to say. My glands are swollen, and my throat is raw, but my nose is stuffy.

Basically I feel like shit and want to crawl back into bed. Luckily I work from home, so if it gets too bad, I can do that.

I'll work the day, nap the afternoon and if it's not better by supper I'll go to the clinic and get it checked. Have to be better for the weekend (another busy one), so no taking chances and leaving it too long.

Last night was hell, nose being stuffed makes me sleep with my mouth open which dried my poor throat right out. Can't even imagine how bad the snoring was!

Saturday, September 20, 2008

I'm BACK, Baby!!!

I struggled, and I won!!! I'm down to 145.6 this week. That's down 2.2 this week. DESPITE Lindsay the sabetour who fed me a bottle of wine last night... lol.

And the best news is that even smashed I choose healthier options! On the way to the Alice Cooper concert last night, we apparently stopped at McDonalds and I had two chicken fajitas. That's only 400 calories, and definately the best choice there.

I slept in the car (okay, let's face reality, I passed OUT in the car) on the way there and sobered up in time for the concert, which totally ROCKED.

It wasn't until we were on our way home that I realized I didn't eat dinner. That's when Steve told me I did (so smashed didn't remember). He tells me what I had, and I thanked him for choosing healthy for me. He then tells me it's what I asked for. Sweet!!! That means that healthier choices are REALLY what I want!!! Ingrained, baby!! Love it!

Friday, September 19, 2008

Need to Grocery Shop!


I'm not sure what my menu will be today, because I have to scrounge around in my kitchen... lol. When I get my child support, look out! That veggie store won't know what hit it!

I'm a little nervous for WI tomorrow. My realistic goal is to be under 150 lbs, but reality is I wanted to be closer to 145 again. Not sure where it will be, but somewhere in between I'm sure.

I'm going for a haircut today (yay!) and am looking forward to getting all prettified tomorrow. It's funny, in this body, how much I want to dress up! It turns out I actually LIKE pretty! And I feel so good when I'm dolled up. And I know that my man loves it.

Speaking of which, we were just falling asleep the other night, when all of a sudden he hugs me real close and whispers "I'm so glad you got hot again". LOL Makes me feel sorry for all those years of NOT being hot. He never complained, though. He loved me no matter what. So this is kinda the reward for him, in my mind. Luckily it feels like a reward for me, too.

I will make healthy choices today... they just may be ecclectic, since I don't have a lot of fresh stuff in the fridge. And I'm going to do a treadmill run, walk the dogs, and wiggle in my seat at the Alice Cooper concert tonight. I'm mindful of WI tomorrow, so no treats!

I am totally looking forward to a good meal tomorrow at the wedding, followed by dancing it all off, though!

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Sigh... I forgot!

I forgot that now coffee is a stimulant for me. Layed awake forever, then I realized WHY there was no sleep happening. Had to be those three cups of coffee between 7 and 10.


So I don't even know how much sleep I got last night. Feels like none. I deliberately did not look at a clock every time I got up to pee. Didn't want to know.

There just might be a nap in my future. Distinct possibility.

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

No more popcorn for a while...

I'm having a hard time squeezing in those extra calories. Not from the popcorn, per se... but from the oil.

I'm now seeing why I didn't do so well on Core at this size. When I was bigger and needed more calories it totally would have worked for me like a dream. However, to maintain my size now, or even lose, it takes really restricting calories. And even eating clean, the calories add up.

I've always struggled with the popcorn dilemma. I love having that nightly munch. On core I justified it that I was getting my healthy oils and it was all Core. But with the calories, I'm seeing just how many I was consuming, and it is all making sense now. Popcorn will have to be a once a week indulgence rather than an every day indulgence, that's all.

I'm eating well, and staying under 2000 calories, but man, it's a struggle. My goal this week is to stay under 150 for the wedding. I'm confident I can do it.

I saw pics from the stagette I was at on Saturday. I can't stop staring at my stomach. I just want it in a liiiittle more. It still has a curve out that I'm not really happy with. If only I could spot reduce. The rest of me shouldn't be getting any skinnier or I'll look like an Etheopian... lol.

Okay, off to work I go. I hope everyone has a fantastic day.

Here's my fuel for today:

Br: 1/2 cup oaty yoghurt, 1/2 cup blueberries, 1/2 ounce ground flax & glass of milk
Lu: 1/2 cup couscous, 3oz leftover mushroom stuffed tenderloin, 1/2 cup each steamed carrots & celery
Sn: 1/2 cup cottage cheese, Frank's Hot Sauce
Sn: 1/2 can tuna smooshed with 1/4 avocado
Dn: 4 oz ham, 2 baby potatoes, 2 cups swiss chard
Sn: glass of milk

Calories in: 1327 (if I were to add my popcorn it would be 1826)
Calories out: 2130 (includes 40 minutes walking the dogs)
Water: minimum 2 litres
Vitamin: check!

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Today's Fuel

Br: Bagel w/ egg, ff cheese & 1/4 avocado
Lu: 1/2 can tuna smashed with 1/4 avocado, wrapped in a lettuce leaf
Sn: 1/2 cup ff cottage cheese w/ plums and ground flax
Dn: 4 oz steak, 3 baby potatoes & 1 cup steamed carrots
Sn: 9 cups popcorn, 1 tbsp butter, 1 tbsp olive oil, 1 cup milk

Total Calories = 1885
Total Calories Burned Today = 2396

Saturday, September 13, 2008

Holy Shitters!!

So I've been counting calories this week, in and out. Decided to educate myself, as I've said. I know that eating 500 calories less than I burn will take off one pound a week. I also know that new fat comes off hella quick compared to old fat.

So last week's WI I was at 152.4.

This week? 147.87

That's down 4.6lbs!! AND there were indulgences (but I don't wanna talk about the damn granola... lol). I ate out... three times? this week. But I tracked everything and balanced it out. I had one day where my calories in were over my calories out (refer back to I don't wanna talk about the damn granola), but otherwise I balanced and budgeted my calories SUCCESSFULLY!!!

I'm so proud of me!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008


I'm doing amazingly well, lately! Now that I'm on Fitday, and learning all about caloric intake and output, and tracking it all, I'm down to 148, so I've attained my 60 lbs gone again.


Mom being here is not so bad, actually. And she says she's enjoyed my healthy cooking (except how dry that damn stuffed porkloin was, but she forgave me because I had no instructions and winged it... lol).

Overall, I've been pretty damn good about my health while she's here, and she's not bringing in awful foods to tempt me. Although I worry that she's starving because we used to constantly graze together and she doesn't have that anymore. I worry that she's not eating, for my sake. But then, she's a big girl and she'll do what works for her, right? Right.

Today's goal: I will eat NO deliciously yummy Costco granola today. NONE. Yesterday I ate 800 calories worth, dammit. That's IT. I knew it would be bad, but I didn't know THAT bad. Yikes!

Today I did my run on the dreadmill, and a half hour walking backwards & sideways workout on there, with my butt crunches (damn flat ass, need to build it up).

I'm trying to figure out what I'm having for lunch today still, but here's the rest of my day:

Br: 1/2 cup Oaty Yoghurt over a banana
Apres Workout Br: 2 lettuce leaf smoked turkey/avocado/ff cheese sandwiches (about 1 cup of food)
Lu: Not sure
Sn: yellow pepper & tomato salad
Dn: bison burger
Sn: popcorn

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Stepped on the scale this morning....

NOT happy. Back to cutting out the extras and watching satiaty levels. I know that is where the issues are. Eating past comfortable or satisfied. Measuring portions is my goal for the remainder of the week.

With mom coming out next week, I have to tell you, I'm a little worried. It's hard for me to say no thanks to the kinds of foods she eats. But I can't ask her to stick to my schedule, now can I? It'll be a test of my willpower, that's for sure.


Wednesday, September 3, 2008

374 Hours of Training = 5 Pounds Lost

Click here for a fascinating article.

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Long Weekend Report

So how did YOU do?

Me? Not so good. Excercise wasn't tooo bad. Did walk all day on Saturday at the PNE. But then counteracted that with Kettle Corn and Mini Donuts, washed down with perogies, cabbage roll and sausage smothered in sour cream. The only plus is that I didn't get an elephant ear or fudge, both of which I wanted desperately.

Sunday was full of chips. I did go swimming for about 20 minutes, but other than that it was me, a couch and a lazy day.

Monday was lunch at the buffet in Bellingham, followed by three hours of walking around a mall. Except that I did do an intense one hour workout in the morning.

I havent' tried on my belt today, but I'm sure it's on the first hole... lol. Yoga pants for me for the next couple of days while I remain hardcore.

I decided to not buy bagels or wraps this week... or maybe I won't until the wedding. They seem to be my every day weakness. What I'll do is buy a loaf of white bread for Logan's lunches. I won't eat that crap so it's not a trigger for me.

I've discovered a new favourite breakfast. I nuke a 1/2 cup of brocslaw for three minutes with a tblsp of water, then throw it in a frying pan with scrambled eggs. Cook it all together and eat! So good! And I know the boy is getting good nutrition before school. I think it's going to become a staple breakfast in this house. For an asian flair, put soy sauce on it. For an american breakfast flair, ketchup. For a kick, hot sauce. You get it...

Well, back to work... sigh. Steve is home sick and I can hear the poor bastard coughing his brains out. He gets a long weekend and then ends up suffering through most of it. Mind you I only half feel sorry for him, because it would be so much better if he quit smoking. Whaddayado.