If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.
Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".
This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.
Monday, August 31, 2009
I woke up at 8am (what the hell is wrong with my body that I physically cannot sleep in no matter how late and drunk I was getting home??) still hammered out of my tree. I had to get up, because the damn room was spinning out of control.
I didn't throw up, but it was damn close at 10am. Like, sitting staring into the toilet bowl, spitting the waterfall of drool, kinda close.
Now, I need chinese food. Stat.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Friday, August 28, 2009
Wednesday night, a few of us met up on a soccer field and had our first informal practice session. What a hoot!! We kicked and played, and did drills, and it was a blast.
A friend of my son's, Adam, is our coach. He tried out for the Whitecaps a few years ago, and has a shelf of trophies and medals. He hasn't played in years, so when he heard me talking about getting together with the girls, he asked if he could join us. One thing led to another, and now he's "Coach Adam".
He put us through our paces. Taught us a LOT. It was total fun.
The funniest part was when we collapsed, ready to call it quits... and then realized we had only been at it for 35 minutes.
The session ended up being called on account of "blister". Poor Erica. I hope she is okay. It was a DOOZY!!!
I thought I'd be sore the next day. I'm used to running, but not in spurts. Not full speed. Not kicking a ball. Turned out I'm awesome! Not an ache or pain in sight.
After I get my laptop, I'm throwing a new camera request out to the universe.
Here is my morning ritual this week: cottage cheese, blueberries and ground flax. Looks scrumptious, huh? Well, it tasted better than it looked.
The exception was Thursday morning, when I felt like pewp. Egg whites with Red Onions, and coffee.
Lunch today was a toasted wrapwich. 4oz of steak, tomato and cheese with onions (it was a big onion, and I gotta use it up before it goes bad. You'll see LOTS of onion in the next few days)
I'm totally stoked about soccer right now, I gotta tell ya. Wednesday nights, rain or shine. It's gonna be a blast.
Oh, I guess that's another thing I gotta throw out to the universe. Cleats (size 7.5 ladies), socks and shin guards. :)
Thursday, August 27, 2009
Right now a couch and remote are calling to me. They want to be tied to my ass and hand respectively.
They shall win. My swollen glands have decided.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Today I received this:
My name is Amanda and I’m with Rocket XL, a marketing agency based in Los Angeles. Based on your site’s focus on fitness, weight-loss and health, I wanted to extend an invitation to you to join our online review team for Sensa, which is an easy-to-use weight-loss system that can boost your already existing efforts.
We’d love to send you a FREE 3-month Sensa Starter Kit (a $197 value) to review and hope you will share your thoughts and experiences with your readers. We also will give you a unique code that will allow your readers to get a Sensa Trial Kit FREE for 60-days. In addition, we will be running a contest where the site that has the highest number of trials will win some great prizes!
Please let me know if you are interested and I will follow up soon with more details about the campaign and prizing opportunity. We’d love to have your influential voice included. Thanks for taking the time to consider this opportunity – looking forward to hearing back from you!
Let me tell you... I was intrigued. So much so that I went online and did some investigating. And this was my response to Amanda:
I took some time and researched the product online before making my decision.
While I appreciate your approach and offering of the opportunity to try Sensa, I will have to decline. My approach to healthy living and weightloss has always been about doing it naturally, using clean eating and moving of my ass. Nothing more. Nothing less.
Good luck in your campaign. I know that there will be many takers.
Don't be distracted by criticism. Remember the only taste of success some people have is when they take a bite out of you.
So there you go, folks... I am fighting the good fight. Now, I'm not saying that these products don't work. And I'm not saying I'll judge you for trying them. But for me, it's a no-brainer. All of the "diets" over the years have proven one thing and one thing only in my mind. They don't work long term like changing your lifestyle does.
Vive Le Lifestyle!!
Monday, August 24, 2009
Onward and upward!
This summer has been ridiculous as far as maintaining is going. I'm maintaining... ten pounds HIGHER than my highest I want to be. Pfft!!
So, the eats today had to be good, and I had to do some working out.
Eats: (no pics still... damn camera is hating on the batteries. dunno why, other than it's old and persnickety)
Breakfast: cottage cheese, ground flax & blueberries, milk and vitamins
Lunch: double italian bison cheeseburger (yep AND stayed within caloric budget. HA!)
Dinner: cod burrito & salad
Snack later: yogurty goodness (yogurt, fruit, granola, choco chips)
Excercise: 266 calories burned on a power walk that was an hour long.
Now, onto the interesting stuff...
I ran an experiment last week. I wanted to see how many calories my body burns on an average work day with no excercise. So at 9:30 pm I strapped myself in to my HRM and prepared for bed. Here are my posts on NutriMirror:
I'm running an experiment with my heart rate moniter. I'm wearing if for a 24 hour period of normal activity with no excercise, just to see what my caloric burn is. Interesting, huh?
The only thing is that the sensors dried out while I was sleeping, so it didn't register, but I have no idea for how long! So I may be off by a couple or a couple of hundred.My thought is I'll have to do it again, without the sleeping part, and work out the difference... no, that won't work. Hrmph. Any suggestions? Can I stick wet cotton balls between the sensors and my skin?
The Experiment... Results
The result: After 24 hours the HRM reads 1540 calories burned.
- No excercise.
- Average work day.
- Sensors dried and don't know how long it went without recoding while I slept. Probably not more than 300 calories. During the day was 1300, so what do you think... a third the calorie burn while sleeping? Anyone know?
The Experiment... cont'd
I've been googling like mad and found that I burned around 660 calories while I slept (according to this)
Does that seem high to anyone else? Mind you, another site said we burn approximately 77 calories an hour whilewe sleep, which (yes I slept ten hours) would be 770, so maybe not.
That puts my grand total during a non excercise day at ... 2200 calories??? Really??? Whoa! To maintain!!
I don't think that's right. It seems much too high. That would mean that to lose a pound a week I should be eating 1600 calories, without excercise (plus any excercise calories earned). Yet when I eat around that, I don't lose at all.
Harumph. Back to the drawing board.
So? What's your thoughts? Care to weigh in, so to speak? I'd love to hear everyone's opinion...
Friday, August 21, 2009
Then I open my email to find that I suck.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
How am I dealing with this? Well, instead of eating large meals, I'm eating half the size. Enough that logically I know I am fueled and satisfied. Because I also KNOW I'll be back in that kitchen in less than two hours rummaging again.
So I am doing my best to stay within my caloric budget while allowing for my insane hunger and need to eat frequently.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
I would have MUCH rather not have hurt her, and in fact avoided it as much as possible for as long as I could... until being told to "put on my big girl panties and just say what is really wrong".
So that was how my day started. Nice, huh?
Truth be told, I feel sorry for her. I do feel bad that she is hurting. As I would for any human being that is hurting. It must suck to be in her shoes today.
Although, she's probably righteously indignant and in complete denial and calling me all sorts of names. *shrug* Whatever.
The rest of my day went pretty good! I was able to put it behind me and move on.
Dinner is scrumpdillyumptuous I tell you! I cooked up some cod, then flaked it with some garlic, lime juice and taco seasoning. On a garlic pesto wrap I forked 1/2 an avocado and 10 grams of cheddar cheese, then 60 grams of the seasoned fish. Baked it in the toaster oven at 350 for 10 minutes, then flipped it and baked for another five. Served with three ounces of mixed baby greens and a tablespoon of balsamic, it's a treat for only 418 calories!!
I wish I had a pic, but the kid is not back from camp with my camera.
Tomorrow will be a better day. Right? RIGHT???
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
I said I was getting bored with my meals so I switched it up a wee bit today. And I'm likin' it!
Breakfast was a little cup of cottage cheese (but it was 1% with Howaru 'biotics, and I really prefer fat free), with a slice of dry whole wheat toast and a cup of blueberries. Ha! Totally different than my usual oatmeal or yogurty goodness!!
Lunch I had leftover veggies and wild rice from last night, but then I saved half for snack later today. Mainly cuz I wanted to eat my cod sandwich. Yep, cod sandwich. I went to M&M's and got a box of cod fillets. I soaked one in lime juice, and covered it in garlic powder stuff, then nuked it for three minutes. Slap that badboy on a piece of whole wheat bread with a slice of cheese and Bob's your Uncle!
Dinner is going to be chicken legs and salad with balsamic vinegar.
I'm thinking of doing some activity this afternoon. I don't really need to, on the caloric front, but in the name of toning and longevity, I might as well.
That's funny, actually, cuz I was talking with Mag while she was here and we were out on a run on the dyke (stop giggling), and I told we were having a "who is a lazier excerciser" discussion. I really only excercise to eat. I calculate my calories for the day, and if I want more, I have to move for it. It works pretty well for me. Normally. Right now I have to be in weight loss mode, as I'm up in the mid 150's again (dammit).
It's the fricken weekends that do it to me!! Why must I party and eat? WHY????
Monday, August 17, 2009
Restraint will be my middle name this week. Balance and restraint.
I bought cottage cheese. I miss it, despite the sodium.
I think I'm getting bored of my regular eats. Time to switch it up a bit and source out some new ideas for meals. Tonight I had a steak, and for a side I steamed a pot of corn and swiss chard stalks, and added a half cup of wild rice to it. Twas yummy, and NOT salad.
I have no pics. I've given the boy the camera for camp.
Speaking of camp, it's NAKED WEEK! No kids!! Love it!!
Sunday, August 16, 2009
I love that it says "wild child" on it!
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Sorry I haven't been around too much. The funeral for Opa is Thursday, and then I got a call last night that an old dear friend lost his father, and the funeral is on Friday. I didn't know his father, but I have to go to support him.
Do you do that? Do you judge going or not based on your relationship with the deceased? Or with the survivors? For me it's the survivors. I know that it's important to my BIL that we be there. So I am going. Of course, I would have gone anyways to honour Opa. But it added a level of importance when he said that he wanted "his people" there. I cried at being labeled his people. I just love him so much.
I finally had the opportunity to get him talking last night, so he could articulate what he went through. I find it so therapeutic to talk it out, and I know my sister does. But she has had two opportunities, and I didn't think he had had any. So last night I worked on drawing him out, and getting him to share. I hope it helped in some small way.
I've been not bad with the eating. I've been not great at the pictures, lol. But here are a couple from yesterday:
Lunch was a baked wrap and greek salad with no dressing. It's only veggies and feta.
However, lunch ended up being over 700 calories, so salad was on the menu for dinner! Balance, balance, balance.
I am looking forward to this week being over.
On the bright side, Magda comes back for a couple of days. I'm looking forward to seeing her.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
I wanted to get back into taking pics of my food, but yeesh, I kept forgetting! Two days of eating and I have a grand total of two pics.
An egg white cheese omelet with a side of raspberries:
A chicken quesadilla with a side salad. That dip is ff plain yogurt.
It's been a crazy couple of days. My brother in law (BIL)'s Opa is very sick. Sick to the point where the family is all driving, flying, and busing in to say goodbye. It's a very sad time for my sister's family. My heart goes out to them. The group of us are rallying around and helping out where we can, tagging off to each other. I'm out today, as I have an important engagement and know that the others are tagged in. I'll be back in tomorrow.
Being around all that devastation and sadness is really hard. Losing people ... well, losing people sucks. When we lost our mom, it was to suicide, and the anger and loss were astronomical. This scenario is totally different because they have had a couple of days warning so were able to call everyone in to say goodbye, and Opa has had the chance to say what he wants to each of his children and grandchildren. There have been some damn heartbreaking conversations. Some of which have been a long time coming, I bet.
Is it bad that I am glad to be on the fringes of this one? As sad as I am for them all, I'm breathing a wee sigh of relief that I'm not close to Opa. Of course I'm upset that he's dying... He is family and I do know him. But I'm not close, you know? It's bad enough watching my BIL suffer through the tears of the elongated losing of a parent figure (Oma and Opa raised him, long story), without having them myself. That seems so selfish to me, but it's how I feel.
On the other hand, it allows me to flutter around the edges picking up pieces and hugging where needed. I can be a rock. I can be their strength. I can hold my sister and allow her to be wimpy and weepy so that she can soak in my strength to be the rock for her husband and children.
Their life is in limbo right now, waiting. What an awful wait. I don't want limbo EVER. I don't want death EVER. I don't want to lose anyone EVER. (throwing that out to the universe)
I feel a little guilty that I'm not available tonight. I feel like I have to justify going to this party tonight. I know that my sis would scoff at me (and probably will). I'm going out early to help my friend who's husband is the Guest of Honour at the suprise party. She had surgery a couple of weeks ago, and I'm going to clean her house with her (for her) today before the party. She's a typical woman in that she cannot let it go undone. So I threw on my Superman cape and am running to her rescue.
This week that cape is permanently sewed to my neck I think. I love wearing it for my people, I hate that there are circumstances which forces it to come out, you know?
Anyways... my heart is with my sister, my brother in law, my nieces, and their whole family today. It's going to be a rough weekend.
If you believe in it, say a prayer for their sanity. If you aren't a prayer, please send loving hug vibes their way.
Update: Opa passed away peacefully in the wee hours of this morning. Rest in Peace, Opa. Rest in Peace.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Magda made me an easy dressing with balsamic and olive oil, plus a little splooge of mustard to hold it together. I ran out. But I didn't really want to recreate it, because I'm in weight loss mode and holy crappers the calories in olive oil!! I know I need healthy oils, but come ON. I eat a lot of salad.
(Hmmm, thought tangent... need to calculate how I'm doing in the healthy oil category... although, actually, I have modified my NutriMirror to reflect a higher fat ratio than normal, as I have ridiculously dry skin and excema, and I work to keep it in the green. So nevermind.)
So instead I grabbed the balsamic bottle and just put it straight onto my salad. Guess what? It's fanTAStic! Okay, not as good as the dressing that Mag made, but damn it's tasty, and it's a fraction of the calories! (10 vs 70)
Today is a good eating day. And I worked out, which I didn't get to yesterday, despite my JFT plan. My eating has been healthy and wonderful!
Breakfast: Egg white omelet wrap w/ avocado, milk & vitamins 469 Calories
Lunch: Steamed cod & spinach sandwich with winter squash soup 407 Calories
Snack: Yogurt, granola, blueberries, raspberries, banana and dark chocolate chips 276 Calories
Dinner: Lemon Herb Chicken on spinach salad with hard boiled egg whites and feta (and balsamic!) 212 Calories
I shoulda taken pics... but I didn't. I'll get back to that, I promise!
I strapped the ol' HRM on today and fucked around between doing step aerobics and running on the treadmill as I was wrassling my stupid computer. I didn't burn a ton of calories, but it was better than nothing, and it made my day green on NutriMirror, which really is all I care about right now. Having my weight where it is, I am freaking out a little tiny bit. I am so scared to become a statistic. I have to do something about it NOW.
And yet... today as I'm treadmilling, I see a commercial for a Girl Guide Thin Mint Cookie Blizzard, and actually starting justifying in my head why I could go and get one. HELLO!!! Jeeez, I'm an addict.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
But I had an amazing weekend and am sooo relaxed... outside of the pain, that is. Kneeboarding and tubing fucked me up. Slamming repeatedly onto the water did an amazing amount of damage to my body. The bruises all seem to be internal, because how my main colour is not green, black and blue is beyond me.
As soon as I have pics I will post them!
I am game on, baby. I know the scale will reflect a loss all week as I work out and eat sensibly. It's just a water gain from alcohol and a bit of indulging on the weekend. Overall I ate pretty good though so I'm not worried about it.
Time to strap on the ol' nutrition bag and get my ass moving for real. I've been dabbling at excercise but not committed.
I commit to me, here and NOW.