If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Saturday, August 8, 2009

Happy Saturday!

I have been so good this week!! Well, good enough to have lost four pounds, anyways. The scale says 153.2 this morning. I still am not happy about being in the 150's but considering Tuesday morning it said 157, I'm okay with this mornings WI.

I wanted to get back into taking pics of my food, but yeesh, I kept forgetting! Two days of eating and I have a grand total of two pics.

An egg white cheese omelet with a side of raspberries:

A chicken quesadilla with a side salad. That dip is ff plain yogurt.

It's been a crazy couple of days. My brother in law (BIL)'s Opa is very sick. Sick to the point where the family is all driving, flying, and busing in to say goodbye. It's a very sad time for my sister's family. My heart goes out to them. The group of us are rallying around and helping out where we can, tagging off to each other. I'm out today, as I have an important engagement and know that the others are tagged in. I'll be back in tomorrow.

Being around all that devastation and sadness is really hard. Losing people ... well, losing people sucks. When we lost our mom, it was to suicide, and the anger and loss were astronomical. This scenario is totally different because they have had a couple of days warning so were able to call everyone in to say goodbye, and Opa has had the chance to say what he wants to each of his children and grandchildren. There have been some damn heartbreaking conversations. Some of which have been a long time coming, I bet.

Is it bad that I am glad to be on the fringes of this one? As sad as I am for them all, I'm breathing a wee sigh of relief that I'm not close to Opa. Of course I'm upset that he's dying... He is family and I do know him. But I'm not close, you know? It's bad enough watching my BIL suffer through the tears of the elongated losing of a parent figure (Oma and Opa raised him, long story), without having them myself. That seems so selfish to me, but it's how I feel.

On the other hand, it allows me to flutter around the edges picking up pieces and hugging where needed. I can be a rock. I can be their strength. I can hold my sister and allow her to be wimpy and weepy so that she can soak in my strength to be the rock for her husband and children.

Their life is in limbo right now, waiting. What an awful wait. I don't want limbo EVER. I don't want death EVER. I don't want to lose anyone EVER. (throwing that out to the universe)

I feel a little guilty that I'm not available tonight. I feel like I have to justify going to this party tonight. I know that my sis would scoff at me (and probably will). I'm going out early to help my friend who's husband is the Guest of Honour at the suprise party. She had surgery a couple of weeks ago, and I'm going to clean her house with her (for her) today before the party. She's a typical woman in that she cannot let it go undone. So I threw on my Superman cape and am running to her rescue.

This week that cape is permanently sewed to my neck I think. I love wearing it for my people, I hate that there are circumstances which forces it to come out, you know?

Anyways... my heart is with my sister, my brother in law, my nieces, and their whole family today. It's going to be a rough weekend.

If you believe in it, say a prayer for their sanity. If you aren't a prayer, please send loving hug vibes their way.

Update: Opa passed away peacefully in the wee hours of this morning. Rest in Peace, Opa. Rest in Peace.



~ugly girl with a beautiful heart~ said...

Sorry to hear about your Opa.

antgirl said...

It always is sad. Hurts more than you think even when expected. Your BIL and sister are lucky to have you around.

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