If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Happy New Years Eve!

I feel like I'm the only person in my world who is not "taking inventory" and planning my next year. Is that weird?

So many of my friends are reflecting on last year, categorizing it, and then planning how next year will be even better. I'm reading it on tons of blogs, and hearing it in conversations.

I nod along, understanding and loving the logic. I'm so glad in some cases to hear the changes that are being incorporated. I'm happy for the people that had a great year and plan for the next to be even better.

I'm left thinking that I should be doing the same. But then, if I force it, it's like a resolution, and we all know that those are the first things dropped in the new year. So I vow not to have a resolution beyond not being fat ever again.

I should be resolving to excercise more. Or eat healthier. Or lose that last ten pounds. But I find myself unmotivated to say it out loud, or to even feel it.

What does that mean?

Thanks for listening,


Monday, December 29, 2008


Well, I finally got out of the house! I went and spent the night at a girlfriends. Had a BLAST! Played hours of DDR with her daughters. Stayed up reaaaally late (5:30am!!) and had to get up early (8:30am!!!) to drive her to work.

Needless to say, I'm a little tired.

I had a nasty dinner of kraft dinner and sausage rolls, so figured I better get some excercise. Plugged in the WII and did 1/2 hour of DDR and some boxing, tennis, golf, and bowling.

I have multiple games for this system, but haven't taken the time to explore them. I may see that in my near future, since I'm on vacation. Nothing like cracking out to a video game for fun times! Hell, men can do it... so can I!!

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Today I'm doing things DIFFERENT

I am moving more today. Instead of walking into the kitchen, I'm doing lunges into the kitchen. I'm doing random jumping jacks. I spent an hour on the treadmill yesterday. I may do the same today. I'm going out to my girlfriends tonight to play DDR which is always a great workout.

I made soup. Reeeally low point soup, with my leftovers. I'm eating it instead of bad things. It's tasty, delicious and nutritious and food is FUEL. I've got to get OUT of the thought process about food yumminess and back into the reality of a physically healthy person.

I started my day with a half flax bagel, topped with a quarter cup egg white omellette made with a tablespoon of Romano and green onions. I almost ate the entire bagel, but then forced myself to LOOK at the calories. 160 for a half. Did I really really REALLY need that other half? No. And if I am hungry after, I can go back for it. You can always add more, but you can't take away what you already ate.

As you can imagine, I didn't go back for the second half.

I've had my one cup of coffee, and am now working on my water. I have a mug of hot water in front of me that I am enjoying.

TOM is starting today, and I'm bitchy as all hell. I was so bored last night that I was MAD. My poor husband. I avoided him like the plague, well, because he has the plague. Anytime he breathed or coughed I seriously wanted to strangle him to put him out of my misery. I was not fit for man nor beast last night. I layed on my bed and felt sorry for myself and watched Curly Sue... which actually made me smile. Haven't seen that movie in a bizmillion years. (nobody tell me when it came out... I don't want to feel that old)

I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror and thought "who the hell is that old lady?". Wrinkles and bags and hair all a mess... sigh. I have old lady neck. Damn it. I know I look great... for a 40 year old. I'm kinda pissed that I fatted my way through the years where it would have stopped at "look great" withOUT the caveat. Whatever.

I need botox, or my eyebrows are going to stay this way.

Cabin fever is NOT a good thing.

I may be back... I can't think of anything else to say right now. I'm being crabby.

Thanks for listening,


Saturday, December 27, 2008


I'm reading over my blogs for the past week... and I'm shaking my head at the addictive justification behaviours I'm witnessing. And it's not like I don't know it as I'm doing it. It's like I'm screaming in my head "LALALALALALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU ALLLALALALALALLALALALA".

I want to kick my own ass sometimes, you know??

Back on the excercise wagon today

Okay, I stepped on the scale this morning. I said I wasn't going to (not to you... I've learned to not say that out LOUD because I step on it every Saturday no matter what I say), but I did.


So anyways... the number was a little shocking. I've apparently gained (bzzz bzzzbzzzzzzz carry the six bzz bzzzz)... right. Nine pounds.

DAMN MY MOTHER AND HER INSTRUCTIONS TO BUY CHOCOLATES. Okay, so it's not her fault. She didn't make me eat them.

So what have we learned? First, don't listen to people who tell you to bring your crack into your home and to just resist because it's not fair to everyone else. Second, enjoy said crack at OTHER people's homes, where you cannot dig into it in the middle of the night without a break and enter charge, because you are an ADDICT. Third, don't buy so MUCH crack when you do choose to indulge. Understand that the reality is that your people don't EAT that stuff like you do, and it's not necessary to load the fridge. Reality is, they want one session with it. It's YOU who will eat it for days, not THEM.


I have lectured myself. I have walked away from the fridge. Then next thing I know I find myself back in the fridge, with the hand to mouth action going strong and furiously.

I had a big talk with Magda last night about addictions. We found another common denominator (or as my kids have coined it, "common de-mom-inator"). We don't suffer physical addictions. It's the psychological ones that we jones over.

I've done coke, acid, all sorts of drugs, but the two things I struggle with are smoking and eating. Why? It's not the nicotine or the food. It's the psychological addiction that I struggle with. It's the hand to mouth action that is comforting, and that I crave. It does not matter what is in that hand, as long as it's repeated. A lot. Being on Core has shown me that I can overindulge in ANYTHING. Even if it's healthy foods, if you eat too much, it's going to make you gain weight. Add Christmas chocolates, cheeses, etc, in that mix... it's a fat person screaming to get out.

Don't get me wrong... I want to blame mom. Oh, yes, I do. But it's my issue. It's my responsibility. It's my mouth. It's my hand. I know better. I know the tools. I chose to swan dive off the wagon. I chose to not excercise at all. I chose to indulge in getting fat again.

Now I choose to stop the insanity. I choose to get back on the treadmill. I choose to fit back into my jeans as soon as possible.

Bottom line is: I choose me.

Thanks for listening,


Friday, December 26, 2008

Say it Loud! Say it Proud!

Too late for '08, but lookin fine in '09!!

Yep, that about sums it up... lol. Thanks fellow bloggies! Not just for the saying, but for allowing me to not beat HELL out of myself for my incredibly graceful double flip with a twist dive from the proverbial bandwagon, into a sea of cheese, turkey, crackers, garlic coil, smoked oysters, green olives, butter, whipped potatoes, carrot turnip mash, ham, white bread turkey sandwiches with mayo, chips, cheezies, alcohol, chocolate.... and the list goes on and on and on.

There are some of us out there that actually did really good this season. I'm not one of them. And I'm okay with that!! I'm having an absolute blast. I'm loving the eating. I'm loving the socializing. I'm hating the driving in the snow, but that won't last forever. But I'm loving the snowball fights and snowman building! I'm even not minding the shoveling, which has been my ONLY form of excercise this week!

I'm loving the cooking, and having my whole family around me. My oldest boy has come to stay with us for the last couple of days over Christmas, and he goes home tonight. It's good. I've loved having him here. And I'll love him when he's gone... lol.

My poor husband came down with the most vicious cold I've seen him get in I don't even KNOW how many years. It's so bad that I haven't slept in two nights, so last night I camped in the office. It was BLISS.

On the one hand, I'm sorry for him that he's so sick. On the other, I feel no sympathy as he shivers huddled outside coughing his brains out as he chuffs back another cigarette. Dumbass. It's just too bad that it's happening on his vacation that he has been anticipating for months. THAT is a sucker deal.

Hope everyone had an AMAZING Christmas. I did!

Thanks for listening,


Wednesday, December 24, 2008

I'm so blessed!

I just had a completely mushy moment and had to share.

If you aren't aware of it, my son's father lives on my block, and I consider him and his wife to be great friends of mine.

They were going to spend dinner tonight at her mother's but because of the blizzard, they can't make it off our block. So they are coming over here tonight for the family Christmas dinner. And I was thinking just now how wonderful it is that we can do these things and have genuine affection for each other. So many familys are torn apart at Christmas, especially kids. Being shuttled between the two parents, and most times with bitterness between the parents. But it's not like that with us, and we are so lucky!

Just had to share that thought...

Thanks for listening,


Merry Christmas Eve!!!

Can you believe it's here already??

I had SUCH a great visit last night with some very very dear friends. They were friends with my oldest son's father, as well. He died back ... oh, it's been 9 years ago now? It's a tragic tale of drugs and bad choices leading to a miserable end for a good man.

Doug looks exactly like his father (he's the tall one in my family pic), from the eyes down. The eyes up are definately me, but the rest is all Doug Sr. In fact, Ramona said that when he walked in, she was actually startled. She knew immediately who he was, and she teared up upon seeing his father so strongly.

I invited Doug to coffee last night because I wanted him to meet friends of his father's and mine, and because I wanted to gift them with him. And that is exactly how they felt. Like it was having Doug Sr. back again for a moment. Same lanky frame. Same sense of humour. Same self love. Same walk, even (stick up the butt and armpits on fire... lmao). Of course, Doug's response to that was that he walks like he's the shit, because he IS the shit. Not humble, that one... lol. Frankly, he was doomed to be that way from both sides. I always forget how alike Doug Sr and I were. It really hit home for me last night as we sat around talking about him, and Douglas' similarities. In my head I'm thinking, "but that's me". But then I remember back... and it's him, too.

I feel gifted all over again. My son carries on his father's genes in even more ways than I was aware. What a blessing in my life.

This all, of course, sent me into a complete tailspin, and I woke up mulitiple times in the night, with Doug Sr on the brain. I spent a lot of time with him last night, and it was all good. I awoke this morning feeling a little teary and missing him, but on the other hand, feeling very close to him, too.

He lives on... in his son. In me. In his friends. In his family. He lives on.

Merry Christmas, all.

Thanks for listening,


Monday, December 22, 2008

Anyone see the wagon??

Okay, breathe...

I'm totally NOT stepping on the scale. Nope. You CAN't make me.

Remember me whining about oysters and olives a while back? Well, yesterday I woke up with the plan to eat a healthy brunch because we were going to Christmas dinner with all my people. Good plan, right? Yeeeah, except I opened the cupboard to grab oatmeal, and I see the oysters.

"Hey, babe" I yell into the living room, as Steve is setting up the tv with the hockey game for us. "How would you like oyster picnic for breakfast?"

Well, you should have heard his yes! It was like I had wrapped my naked body in a ribbon and said Merry Christmas! He never gets oyster picnic anymore (poor bastard).

So for brunch we had smoked oysters, green olives, garlic coil, cheese, triscuit thins - parmesan garlic flavour (oh my yum), and ancient grain crackers. Then we broke into the chocolates. Lowrey's Chocolate Cherries, Pot of Gold, Ovation, and Hedgehogs.

Just before heading out to dinner, I got hungry, so instead of grabbing the apple I was heading for, I shrugged it off and grabbed the chips. Logan and I munched on a new flavour of chips and discovered we quite liked it!

At dinner I didn't do toooooo bad. I had a little bit of everything, but I knew that everything was made with tons of real butter and cream. So even a little bit had a swack of calories. However, I didn't have pie after. I did eat a couple of samples of baking. But I was sooo full.

Steve and I went home and watched Get Smart. Hilarious! Especially if you remember the original series. I had quite a few nostalgic moments. Which I washed down with the rest of the chips. Sigh.

Today I still feel full. And I decided that come hell or high water, I'm eating well today. It's my "just for today" thought. So for breakfast I chopped an apple and made oatmeal. But after eating the apple, I'm not hungry for the oatmeal, so I'm not forcing myself to eat it. If I want it later I will.

I have a spinach salad planned for lunch, with some pork loin for protein. I'm feeling the need for fibre though, if you know what I mean . Water is DEFINATELY on my agenda today. As is a run on the treadmill.

Just because I'm choosing to enjoy my holiday doesn't mean that I should allow myself to become completely complacent. After all, complacency got me over 200lbs once.


Thanks for listening,


Sunday, December 21, 2008


It's official... I've been taken over by an eating monster. And you know what? I don't care. So I'll put on the "festive five". I know I'll take it right back off again.

But if you see me doing random sets of jumping jacks, don't be alarmed... lol.

Thanks for listening,


Saturday, December 20, 2008


Stupid heater fan stupid kicked it on the stupid coldest night of the stupid year!! It's freezing in my house! I'm sitting in front of a heat fan as I type. The side of my body that is facing it is warm, the other side is NOT. We slept with the dogs in the bed last night for body heat.


Today I shop. I'm prepared for killer lines. Luckily, it's not present shopping, it's grocery shopping. It's supposed to snow tonight and all through tomorrow, and I'M NOT DRIVING IN IT. So all of it will be done today.

The only totally yuck thing is that I have to drive all the way out to Burnaby to deliver an Avon order in that storm! Steve has said he will drive me... actually he was TOLD he is driving me... lol. :o)

So I'm going out to shop now... wish me luck!!

Thanks for listening,


Friday, December 19, 2008

Excercise Funk

I'm forcing myself to work out this week. I have been unable to drag my ass out of bed in the morning, and working out is a total chore for some reason.

I hopped on the scale today to find I'm up .2, which really is okay because it shows that I'm doing SOMTHING at least, and not really going up.

I've been determined that I will not late night snack, then find myself standing in front of the whirring popcorn machine. How the hell does that happen?? Which is why I've FORCED myself onto that damn treadmill. I knew that if I didn't, the scale would laugh at me.

Another reason the scale is being friendly to me, I'm sure, is that I've switched up my diet. I find that if I'm eating the same thing all the time, my body becomes complacent. So instead of eggy sandwich for breakfast and salmon salad for lunch, which I've been eating for weeks, I'm having oatmeal for breakfast, and a soup for lunch. Or hamburger for lunch. I think it puts my body into WTF mode. I've read on other blogs people talking about switching it up when the scale isn't moving.

I haven't even been posting on the WW boards much. I have visited a couple of times this week, but am not super active like I have been. I always can tell when I'm falling off the wagon by how active I am on the boards. It's like if I don't feel that I can motivate with my leading by example, I have no right to be posting. On the one hand, holy beat oneself up, batman! On the other, it gives me motivation to get back up there, because I really enjoy my WW friends.

Isn't it funny, this journey called life. We thing "if only _______ would happen, then everything would be perfect". And for women it's usually something weight oriented. Well, I'm at a happy weight, and it's still not perfect. I'm constantly reminded that I have to be concious of what I eat and how much I excercise FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Because I refuse to be a statistic.

But sometimes... sometimes I wish I didn't have to. Sometimes I wish it wasn't so in my face. Know what I mean? I'll keep doing it, but today I'm not really liking it.

I have smoked oysters and green olives in the cupboard (Sam, unscrew your face), and I want to indulge in "oyster picnic" with my husband. But because I have food issues, I have to wait until the weekend. Except we have dinners planned all weekend, and with Christmas next week, I am going over my caloric budget as it is... so when will I get to have the oyster/olive picnic? It's priorities. THAT is whay I'm sighing about. I know the right decisions. I know that I will do them. And I know that it's for the greater good. But a part of me is just sad.

Thanks for listening,


Thursday, December 18, 2008

Damn my credit card problem!!!

If I wasn't so bad with them, I could be enjoying PB2 right now!! Click the link...

I'm reading rave reviews EVERYWHERE for this stuff, but cannot find it in the Lower Mainland anywhere (according to the internet). Pout.

Thanks for listening,


Click Here for Soup Recipes

I am SO making Taco Soup!!!


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Feeling "Meh".

I don't know why, but I'm just not feeling "it". I don't even know what "it" is at this point. I had to drag my ass onto my treadmill. I haven't shredded this week at all. I'm supposed to do all my wrapping this week, but I just haven't felt like it yet... I don't know what's up with me.

I don't feel like blogging, either. But I wanted ya'll to know I was still here.

Thanks for listening,


Sunday, December 14, 2008


The Christmas party I went to last night was SO MUCH FUN!!! I reconnected with people I haven't seen in forever, and really really enjoyed some of my conversations last night.

The success in the title comes from the fact that for the most part, I focused on the people, not the food. But I gotta tell ya, I did indeed indulge! But only in things that were a "ten" to me.

And the things I reeeeally wanted to try, like the butter tart bars and the nanaimo bars and the chocolate covered cheesecake bites? Well, I went into the kitchen, grabbed a knife, and cut off a corner of each of the bars and had a taste. Oh, I wanted the whole bar, but one bite tastes like the next, right? And really, I wasn't hungry, I just wanted a taste. So I had it. Success!!

The chocolate covered cheescake bites were seriously calling me. I did start stressing about them. Then my darling sister asked me if I wanted to share one, which I jumped on. I was so excited! Until it was in my mouth... seriously, maybe a six. Not worth it. Desire to eat entire plate... GONE! Success!!

In past years my favourite dish at this party is the bagels with creamcheese, lox and capers. This year I had one, but the bagel is white... apparently that is no longer a ten for me. So I was able to stop at just one. Success!! (I was worried about those... lol)

I wasn't drinking, so no alcohol calories. What I indulged in was diet Dr. Pepper. I'm not a pop drinker, so to me that was decadent for 0 calories. Success!!

All in all a great party, with great people and great food and great choices. And that includes the five or six creampuffs I ate... it was a party afterall!! Success!!!

Thanks for listening,


Saturday, December 13, 2008

Saturday WI

An increase of .6. I'm at 146.6 today. And you know what? I'm TOTALLY GOOD WITH IT!!!!

I mean, come on... do you remember how badly I ate this week??? I had a potluck on Saturday, a completely decadent Sunday, and that uber delicious potluck swan dive on Wednesday. Now I knew that I did "good" for my eating in comparison to "old me" but eventually I'm going to have to stop that comparison. It's really apples to oranges. For my size today, that was NOT eating good, compared to ANYTHING. I'm justifying to myself my bad choices. That's reality.

BUT, I did add more excercise to compensate my choices, which is why my gain was so minimal. And THAT is a good choice! THAT is a lifestyle change, my friends! And I'm damn proud of myself.

Tonight I have a party to go to, and I know that I will eat yummy goodness. The people hosting are mentors to me (although I don't know if they know it... lol). They are some of the healthiest choosing people I know. So I know that while there will be treats, there will also be some good choices on the table. And I have a plan *sticks finger in the air*. Oh yes, I do!!

First thing is that I will NOT eat before I go. That always ALWAYS backfires on me. Most people will say that you should eat a meal before you go to such an event so that you are not hungry and able to stay away from the food. Apparently these people have never met anyone like me. Cuz this is how this works... I eat my meal, and then I go to the event and stuff myself until I can't move. That is my reality. I like food. I like good food. I like to eat at partys. So why the hell would I eat first and double my calorie intake?

The rule in life is to take the rules and bend them to fit you and your quirks in the healthiest manner possible. That's my thought, anyways. So yeah, the meal thing might work for most, but let's face it ... I have always walked to the beat of my own tuba. So I'll just do what works for me.

My plan is to have a 1/2 cup of yoghurt just before I leave to drive over there. That way I have a small protein in my tummy and I won't be STARVING which will help, because if I'm starving I'm wolfing all sorts of bad choices. But since I'll have a light protein in my tummy, I'll be able to choose wisely and eat concsiously. And I will have a healthy calorie budget to blow. And if I go over, I'm not concerned about it. I know that I can work it off. It's not the end of the world.

That's what I love about not being on a diet! My lifestyle allows me to indulge on weekends with the knowledge that during the week I will eat completely clean, and be diligent with working out, which facilitates me enjoying weekend indulgences. Truly, can life get any better??? I have the best of ALL worlds and I'm maintaining it successfully.

Maintaining. I've been at this weight now for ... seven months? I've gone over 150 twice. Once when I started maintaining and was finding what works for me, and once when I took a food vacation. Both times I successfully nipped it in the bud and got back down to below 146. Eventually I will get down into the 130's, but I'm not in a rush to do it. Which is a good thing, because I know that at this size, it doesn't happen as quickly or dramatically. And reality is, I have a great body right now, so it's not necessary to get down further. I love my body at 145. I don't love it at 150. That five pounds DOES make a difference. It didn't when I was fat, but now it shows dramatically in the mirror when nekkid (thank gawd for clothes).

I do have a goal to get down to 135, but I don't really have a timeline. It's more about just being healthier. And sexier. Yes, yes, I do live to be sexy. I like it a LOT. Last night my hubby called my ass a "fine booty". I've never had it called that before. I just about cried it made me so happy!!

Okay, I think I'm done rambling for now.

Thanks for listening,


Friday, December 12, 2008

Mmmmm, chunky drink!

Those that know me know that I do not see soup as a meal. It's nothing but a chunky drink to me, and frankly I feel ripped off if someone passes it off as food. Maybe it is psychosamatic but if I try to have just soup for a meal, I'm hungry again in a ridiculously short period of time.

Having said that, I'm making soup for dinner!!

Ah, but not just ANY soup. I'm making dim sum soup. My mummy showed me how when she was here last. And I've made it a couple of times now and LOVED it.

The only thing holding me back (besides the calories in the dumplings) is the sodium. So I decided to make my own broth.

I filled my soup pot half way with water, and added two whole onions (chopped). I chopped some carrots and threw them in, too. I added a sploosh of soy sauce (more for colour than flavour, I don't wanna add all that sodium in) and a good dollop of wasabi. I had some leftover honey garlic sausage, so I chopped that up into it too. The plan was to let it simmer all day and create a lovely broth.

So I go out to the kitchen to make my yummy spinach salad... and oh the smell!! So good! So here I sit, munching on my salad, with a side mug of chunky drink... hee hee hee. The only thing is... it could use some salt.

Thanks for listening,


Thursday, December 11, 2008

Yogen Fruz

I found myself at Coquitlam Centre at 5:30 with having had no afternoon snack. And I still had to go grocery shopping.

I know me. This is not a good situation.

So I'm wandering around the food fair, drooling over all the smells, but calculating calories in my head and realizing that there is nothing "worth it" to me there. Until I hit Yogen Fruz. They have a nonfat vanilla yoghurt. I thought to myself that this would actually probably be pretty good, because I had planned on having ff plain yoghurt for snack but didn't get to it. So I had a pineapple small one.

First off OMG YUM!!!! Second, I got home and went immediately online to source out the NI. Not bad!! And considering how decadent it tasted, I'm totally impressed! Add some calories for the frozen pineapple (prolly a third of a cup) and you have yourself a damn fine treat!!

Thanks for listening,


Specatular Swan Dive - an EASY 9.7 (golf clap)

I swan dived (swan dove?) last night. But it was planned.... sorta.

I started with corndogs for dinner. I had an Avon meeting / Christmas party to go to. I was nervous as hell, as I know NOONE there. NOONE. So I decided to compensate with yum. My PLAN was to have a decadent dinner (thus the corndogs) so I could control myself at the meeting by telling myself I've had enough calories for the day. The corndogs had put me 200 under my allotted amount. Still room for treats right?


Treats didn't even BEGIN to describe that buffet table. Imagine it... a roomful of Avon reps... most of them over 50. Bakers!!

Everything I ate was a ten. Butter tart, lots of shrimps, two shortbread cookies, an atrocious chocolate muffin thing that was yuck but I wasn't where I could spit so I had to swallow it, a two bite carrot cake (ooo, I wanted another, but I didn't do it), three (3!!) homeade M&M cookies, vegetables, four (4!!) ritz crackers with a seafood spread, and I think that's it. Either that, or I've blocked the rest.

My deal with myself was that I could have all that if I got up and Shredded today, which I did.

Thanks for listening,


Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Things that make you go "hmmmm".

There is a thread on the GDT of the WW board. It's about Oprah. I guess she made a comment about her weight and called herself a "fat cow" and referred to her weight as "the big brown elephant in the room".

Someone wrote to her about how offensive they found those statements. That if she felt that way about herself, what must she think of other overweight people?

So, of course, this sparked a back and forth poll on the site. Do statements like these offend you? It really depends on the person. And it really made me think.

Initially my thought was "no, you have the right to talk about yourself how you want". But then I had to take a step back, because while my politically correct side stands by your rights, my physical reactions are another thing.

What am I talking about? I was with someone I love the other night, and she referred to herself as "less gross" (talking about her loss to date). I physically recoiled from the comment. I don't even know if she noticed. She was busy doing something else at the time. But I mean I actually, pysically felt my face screw up, my cheeks go red and my ears start to burn, and I had to control an instant temper by walking away.

I didn't think too much of it at the time. I know that she means it in the most positive sense. I speak different positive language than she does. I would bawl if someone called me "less gross", where she feels great about being "less gross".

So reading this thread today, as I said, my initial reaction was one thing, but then I had that night pop into my head... so how do I really feel? Am I offended?

I don't know if a more true statement would be "I'm offended" or "I find that offensive". Because really, I'm not offended for me. I'm offended that anyone would talk about someone I love in those terms. Even if it's herself. Does that make sense?

It hurt me so badly to hear those words being said about her that I physically recoiled and moved away. If it had been anyone else saying those words in that moment, I'm not sure what my reaction would have been. (only cuz I'm not a fighter, but if I were I'da punched them in the nose)

So... discuss. Do you find what Oprah said offensive? Does it offend you? Do you feel that such statements indicate her feelings about only herself? Or overweight people in general? Or are people just being too damn sensitive in this world of political correctness?

Thanks for listening,


Tuesday, December 9, 2008


I don't know what's wrong with me? I've been reading other blogs and finding them so inspirational, funny, motivating and fun. Then I come to mine and I'm all BLAH. I feel like I have nothing to say, nothing new to contribute.


I'm in a funk... can you tell? My excema is OUT OF CONTROL. My hand is killing me. I don't remember it hurting like this before. I'm not used to the pain anymore.

I'm pleased to report that my Christmas shopping is done, except for the traditional ginch from the "Ginch" for the boys. So why am I so stressed?? I'm not really sure.

I just know I want to bury myself face first in a bag of dill pickle full fat real potato chips, and not come up for air for three days.

But I won't.

Friday, December 5, 2008

Frustrating Happy Dance

I will find something to wear to this get together tomorrow!

Seriously... some will smack me for complaining about this, but I'm going to anyways.
The scale has not really moved in the last... five months? I've been happily maintaining in the five pounds between 145 and 150.

So imagine my suprise when I went to pick my outfit for tomorrow (noone is home so I'm having "girly time") and NONE of my dress clothes fit. I mean NONE. I work from home, so haven't worn them in forever.

It just goes to show... the number on the scale means nothing!

I did eventually find a pair of pants. I have a size 8 (happy dance!) pair that I was given (thanks Crystal!), that has been in the back of my closet, because they were just too tight. They fit beautifully now (happy dance!), but I don't have a top to go with them!!

Okay, that's a lie. I do have one, but the sleeves grew for some reason. Everywhere else it fits amazingly, skimming my body without clinging to it (gotta love silk), but these sleeves! And I'm not a sewer, so don't even suggest it. They are butterfly sleeves.

Well, I guess I'll make do with that, but I'm going to have to go shopping sometime in the very near future!!

Jillian is my New Girlfriend (just don't tell my husband)

Once again, click the title to see what I'm talking about.

Okay, week 2 of the Shred is finished. And I measured today to find BOTH my waist and hips down another 1/2 inch!!! Ya, baby!! And that's only shredding three times a week!

I'm so stoked. I want EVERYONE to shred! There's a crew of us on the WW website that have committed to doing it every Monday, Wednesday and Friday, and it's kept me committed. I love accountability and having to report to somone. No WAY am I going on there and saying I didn't do it, when I have absolutley no reason NOT to do it except laziness.

It's only 20 minutes. Sure it's 20 minutes of complete intensity, that some would probably call hell. But I lost 1/2 an inch off my waist, people!! THAT is worth it to me!

I had a lovely sleep in today. Although I got up just as Logan was about to leave to find that he hadn't eaten anything for breakfast. Nice, starting the day lecturing a 15 year old about how I shouldn't have to babysit him in the morning to ensure he is getting proper nutrition and fueling his brain for school. I shoved a banana, his vitamin and a glass of milk down his unwilling throat. The monsters we create, huh? He's totally dependant on me in the mornings. Yeesh!

Today's Fuel:

Late Br: 1/2 bagel egg white omellette sandwhich

Late Lu: leftover chicken breast on sketti squash with pasta sauce & asiago

Dn: 2 chicken fajitas and a fruit & yoghurt parfait from McDonald's

I have a Christmas party to go to, and so I decided to wear dress pants. Only problem is... they don't bloody fit. I look like I'm playing dressup in a grownups closet. Dammit. Now I have to figure out if I do have anything to wear, and if not go hit VV. Well, not like that's the end of the world... lol.

Have a great day, my friends!

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Don't Feed the Beast at Night!!

So, I've been wavering in the five pound span between 145 and 150, and truly I'm good with it. However, I could be better. Know what I mean?

I think I've discovered the secret. My after dinner snack.

I was reading on the forum and someone said how they realized they really aren't hungry after dinner, but were just eating a snack from habit. And that when she went to bed, if she was a little grumbly, not only was it not an emergency (I'm slowly discovering that hunger is not an emergency, and sometimes have to repeat that to myself as I fight the urge to beat someone to death in my need for food NOW), but it's also a victory feeling.

The last two nights I have fought the demon... and won! No popcorn. No pomegranate. Nothing. Not even a cup of tea (don't wanna pee in the middle of the night). And I have not died!! I haven't eaten Steve in the middle of the night. I haven't had any midnight fridge raids (that I know of. Gleep!). I've been fine!!

Last night I was a little grumbly in the tumbly after Biggest Loser, but I patted my tummy and smiled, and plotted my breakfast. Then I went to sleep.

I woke up this morning feeling great, not stupidly hungry. Did my shred dvd, THEN had breakfast. And I havent' jumped on the scale, but I swear I feel skinnier.

SO! No more snacking until I need it. This body does NOT require the same amount of food my bigger body did, and if I want to maintain a smaller body, I need to consume an even smaller amount of food to do that.

It's a journey of learning more than anything else. Exciitttiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing!!!

Ahhhhh, What a Great Feeling!

You ever have one of those moments where you find yourself totally in sync with someone?

My sis and I are going Christmas shopping tonight. I'm being totally dilligent with my weight loss efforts (or at least my maintaining 145 efforts), what with Christmas parties coming up.

Usually, we will take the opportunity to indulge a little and go hit Denny's or the food fair or something. Well, I emailed her and suggested Subway, and she JUMPED on it!! Woot! We are on the same page!!

I love having a support group around me. I love knowing that I'm not the only one out here, on this lonely journey to health. Especially with the approaching season of indulgence. Parties and dinners and such... so many things to plan and swerve around.

I am shredded!

I was asked if I've seen any changes. Well, hows this for a change: When I started Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred DVD two weeks ago (minus the three days recovery from the first attempt), I watched my stomach jiggle in the mirror. I was morbidly fascinated watching it. I purposefully wore a sports bra and pants, just to watch it.

Today, I realized that it's only jiggling HALF what it was. And when I turn sideways, I do look leaner. I'm also dramatically stronger in my upper arm strength.

It is making a difference, and that's with only doing it 3-4 times a week. Woot!!!

Today's Menu:

Br: 1 mini bagel, cut in half. Spoon of primavera sauce on each, topped with 1/2 of a 1/4 cup egg white omellette with romano cheese, green onion and mushroom, glass of milk and vitamins.

Lu: salmon spinach salad w/ craisins, romano, green onion, brocslaw, olive oil, and artichoke salsa

Sn: .5 cup yoghurt w/ .25 cup fibre1

Dn: Subway 6" turkey sub w/ mustard & veggies, no cheese or mayo, and a bag of vegetable chips.

This still leaves me with over 200 calories if I need a nighttime snack.