If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Saturday, December 27, 2008

Back on the excercise wagon today

Okay, I stepped on the scale this morning. I said I wasn't going to (not to you... I've learned to not say that out LOUD because I step on it every Saturday no matter what I say), but I did.


So anyways... the number was a little shocking. I've apparently gained (bzzz bzzzbzzzzzzz carry the six bzz bzzzz)... right. Nine pounds.

DAMN MY MOTHER AND HER INSTRUCTIONS TO BUY CHOCOLATES. Okay, so it's not her fault. She didn't make me eat them.

So what have we learned? First, don't listen to people who tell you to bring your crack into your home and to just resist because it's not fair to everyone else. Second, enjoy said crack at OTHER people's homes, where you cannot dig into it in the middle of the night without a break and enter charge, because you are an ADDICT. Third, don't buy so MUCH crack when you do choose to indulge. Understand that the reality is that your people don't EAT that stuff like you do, and it's not necessary to load the fridge. Reality is, they want one session with it. It's YOU who will eat it for days, not THEM.


I have lectured myself. I have walked away from the fridge. Then next thing I know I find myself back in the fridge, with the hand to mouth action going strong and furiously.

I had a big talk with Magda last night about addictions. We found another common denominator (or as my kids have coined it, "common de-mom-inator"). We don't suffer physical addictions. It's the psychological ones that we jones over.

I've done coke, acid, all sorts of drugs, but the two things I struggle with are smoking and eating. Why? It's not the nicotine or the food. It's the psychological addiction that I struggle with. It's the hand to mouth action that is comforting, and that I crave. It does not matter what is in that hand, as long as it's repeated. A lot. Being on Core has shown me that I can overindulge in ANYTHING. Even if it's healthy foods, if you eat too much, it's going to make you gain weight. Add Christmas chocolates, cheeses, etc, in that mix... it's a fat person screaming to get out.

Don't get me wrong... I want to blame mom. Oh, yes, I do. But it's my issue. It's my responsibility. It's my mouth. It's my hand. I know better. I know the tools. I chose to swan dive off the wagon. I chose to not excercise at all. I chose to indulge in getting fat again.

Now I choose to stop the insanity. I choose to get back on the treadmill. I choose to fit back into my jeans as soon as possible.

Bottom line is: I choose me.

Thanks for listening,



Nicole said...

I started reading your blog about a week ago. I felt compelled to repond to this post because I could have wrote it myself. I just wanted to let you know that it takes a lot of courage to put that kind of stuff out there and I thank you for it. I feel the same way! I am right there with ya sister!

♥ Dee ♥ said...

Thank you, Nicole!

I just stepped off the treadmill after going for a one hour walk. Sad how one hour of walking has tired me out and made me sweat. I'm normally in better shape than that. Just goes to show how fuelling the body CORRECTLY is so very important.

I appreciate your comments and your support, more than you can know.

Marisa said...

Oh yeah, "the crack" is back in full force! You and I are the same people, I think!!!! We DO need to stop this insanity! I had a conversation with my Mom a few weeks back about "holiday food". WHY can't we just have a freakin healthy food holiday??? WHY does it have to be the same crap that we shouldn't be eating but feel like we "have to have" or else it won't be "the same" holiday? My family wouldn't go for this pitch. They say we just need to "eat in moderation". Yeah, tell the alcoholic to just have "a little" booze. That'll work:l

How about I'll stage an "intervention" (ever see that show?) for you and then you can stage one for me???
Here goes ... Dee, throw all that bad crap that you want to keep eating OUT. You don't need it. You have come tooo far and worked too hard to go back to the "bad place". You can do this. You can get back on the wagon, today. Choose you. You are so worth it!

♥ Dee ♥ said...

Marissa, you are RIGHT!! That's it! It's all going in the garbage. I will NOT spend another single day with this shit in my house.


And so are you! Are you doing the same?? Let's go!!!

Krista said...


I haven't stepped on the scale... I'm too chicken... well, that and I'm not done my frivolities off of the wagon yet ;)

sesame said...

I have begun to look at the containers of snacks and treats like poison.

I envision the the bowls with green slime poured over them....they will only make me feel badly.

The world is full of temptations, the key to success it to think and rethink, and then rethink our strategy again and again.

I know the lesson will not be lost on you this year, and next year, you will have a solid thought pattern and game plan.

♥ Dee ♥ said...

Yep, next year, no chocolates in the house... or just one box, maybe.

My biggest lesson this year is that I don't have to give in to peer pressure, and that just because someone else rationalizes it for me, I should listen to my own heart and mind FIRST. My people will not die without outrageous amounts of treats, and I am an overboard addict. I took full advantage of a justification that I knew damn well was wrong for me, but I rode that wave like a prize winning surfer.

I could kick my own ass. I will. I'll kick it right back down to skinny.

Your Mommy said...

Sorry Sweet heart It wont happen again. Did not really mean for you to buy bad stuff when I said Chocolate I meant one box. I really thought you would get stuff like strange fruit or maybe new veggies to try or some strange new cheeses. Just want you and the family to have somethings you might not have the money to buy... again I am sorry love mom

♥ Dee ♥ said...

Mom, don't worry... you are not responsible for my decisions and choices. I should have known better, as I know myself. I could have said no, and chose not to.