If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Thursday, July 30, 2009

Baked Dill Pickle Lays

These badboys are calling me in the WORST way. I shared a bag with my niece last night, and I want more now. I want to sit down with an entire bag and just happily crunch my way through some mindless TV.
I am FIGHTING this craving MADLY.

Thowing it Out to the Universe...

I have this theory. When I throw something out to the universe, usually it ends up coming to me. Some equate it to "The Secret". Some believe you reap what you sow. I think those are all based on a truth.

So I'm throwing this out to the universe. I am going to receive a laptop, for free or next-to-free sometime in the near future.

I have always said I would never have a use for one, but actually, watching my sister playing outside in the sun with hers made me kinda jealous of her fun. And it got me thinking... Steve HATES that I spend so much time reading blogs. Really, he hates me spending time not on the couch beside him. So he watches a lot of movies I wouldn't like, football, Outer Limits and stuff. Meanwhile, he misses me while I'm in my office, blogging away. If I had a laptop, he could still watch his stupid stuff, and I could sit beside him, snuggle on his lap, and read my blogs! I do it with magazines, and he's always happy. A laptop would add huge amounts of couch time to our togetherness. And I'd probably get more done during the day, because right now I spend the entire day in front of the computer, jamming in my blog reading so as to spend the evening with him as much as possible, and then wonder why the house never gets cleaned.

So there it is. I'm throwing it out to the universe that I am going to receive for free (or next-to free) a laptop in the near future. I've even gotten a password for my wireless internet!!


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

*Slams Head on Desk*

So then, last night, Logan (son) brings home a cheesy chickeny quesadilla thing, and SOMEHOW about six bites landed in my mouth.



Tuesday, July 28, 2009

What a Day!

My ex DIL had a baby this morning, and I was a little sad that it wasn't my grandbaby. The fact that my DIL is expecting is a blessing today, lemme tell ya! Okay, it's a blessing every day, but today it helped me to not be sad.

I got to go to the hospital to meet little Taylor Rae which was fantastic! Not so fantastic was what took me to the hospital in the first place. We were getting X-Rays to see if Logan broke his foot jumping into the river and hitting rocks. Turns out it's not broken, but it might be ligament damage. We'll be seeing the doctor on Friday when he gets the results. What's ironic is his big brother broke his foot this summer, too, jumping into a lake and hitting a rock. I told them that I'm writing a script called "Two Idiot Sons - One Summer". I'll make millions and they get none. LOL

Despite no snack today, and the immense pull to snarf anything via drivethru, I did amazing with food! I had done a JFT (Just for Today) over on NutriMirror, and I stuck to it!

JFT I will:

- get 30 minutes of excercise (I washed the car... what? It's moving my ass!!)
- I will have no extra treats. (done!)
- I will stick to my meal plan. (I did!)
- I will drink all my water. (Yep!)

So what did I eat, you ask? Well... lemme tell ya!

Breakfast was my current favourite. You'll be seeing a lot of this. 1/4 cup yogurt (plain, fat free), 50 blueberries, 1/2 a banana, 1/4 cup granola and 1 tablespoon dark chocolate chips.

Lunch was a delicious wrap: garlic pesto wrap, 6 buffalo meatballs, spinach & 1/2 an avocado.

Dinner was buffalo again. Buffalo burger with melted cheese, 1/4 avocado, and spinach. The salad was mixed baby greens with a tablespoon of feta, 1/4 of a tomato, and a sprinkle of balsamic vinegrette. Le sigh... divine!

Steve just got a call from our neighbour, who bought a motorbike today. So they are going for a ride tonight. I'm so glad he has others to play with!! I love that he has his own little clique. He's so happy, and I love when he is happy.

Have a WONDERFUL night everyone!!


Sunday, July 26, 2009

I ♥ My Husband

I had all intentions of laying on my couch and feeling sorry for myself and watching movies all day yesterday. Instead, I found myself hiking on the Resevoir Trail around Hayward Lake.

Steve knew that was something on my list of wants. Knowing me as he does, he asked me yesterday if I wanted to, and how could I say no?? First off, I absolutely LOVE doing things like that with him, since most of my activity is solo. Second, I can see right through him to his wonderful heart of good intentions. So "yes" it was!

We had planned to go all the way around, which is 16 km. However... it's 16 km of insane trails, not city streets. We got an hour and twenty minutes in, when I could hear Steve panting and puffing behind me, and knew he was not going to make it. We turned around and headed back.

We were in the trails for 2 hours and 40 minutes if intense hiking. It was AWESOME!!! We got out just in time. There was a thunderstorm warning yesterday, and it hit when we were less than three minutes from driving away from the parking lot. It was so bad we had barely any visibility. Steve would have melted and been VERY upset to be caught in it. So it was a great thing that we turned around when we did.

I'm sore this morning. My hips and back are feeling it. I'm sure Steve is, too. I haven't talked to him yet, since I just got up. He's watching a football game in the living room so I came straight in here. But I'll be doping him up with ibuprofen, and see if I can get him out for a twenty minute walk to get the gunk out of his muscles. I doubt if he believes me that he'll feel better. He looked pretty skeptically at me last night when I mentioned it.


Friday, July 24, 2009

Status Update: Dee...

... is feeling beaten down.

... knows it will all work out.

... has enough to cover her bills.

... is trying not to think about losing Unc.

... is trying not to think negative lumpy thoughts.

... is crying.

... didn't get up to hug her sister goodbye this morning, and is incredibly heartbroken about it.

... knows she'll see her in three weeks and is happy about it.

... is needing some mom time on the phone soon. Maybe tomorrow?

... is thinking "that one I should post on FB".

... is looking at the clock and wishing she was tired.

... is going to watch some Ruby on tv.

... loves Ruby.

... may be back.


... remembers having Oolong tea at dinner, and a Lipton's Green Tea, and now wonders if one or both had caffiene.

... is enjoying a good wallow.



I just ate an entire box of Amy's Organic Shells & White Cheese.

And I liked it.

(actually, I really did... I recommend the product... just not a whole box)

I also plan on eating absolute crap for dinner. Then I commit that tomorrow morning (yes, an actual SATURDAY) I am back in the groove, tracking and excercising and making good choices.

I'm at 155lbs, and that cannot be.

Well it can, cuz it is, but I'm going to do something about it before it becomes a permanent problem, dammit. I will STOP eating my emotions. Tomorrow.



Thursday, July 23, 2009

Clearing my head

I went for a long run today to try and clear my head. I tried purging into my blog, my last post. But I have to admit, I'm pretty fucked up about potentially losing Unc. It's weighing very very heavily on me.

Running actually didn't help.

Popcorn did. A little.

I'm such an addict.


Yay and Sigh

Today, I'm working away in my office, and I hear my dogs go absolutely ape-shit. I come out to see Unc standing in my entrance hall.

Backstory: Unc is my mom's brother. My mom that is my sister's bio mom, the one that died in 97 by her own hand. Unc and I were always close. Closer than my sis was to him, only because I have the ability to tolerate alcoholism more than she does. She loves him just as much, but from a further distance. But somehow we lost touch... Unc was under the impression that we "disowned" him after sis's wedding, as we never really talked after that. I can't speak for anyone else, but as for me... well, I suck. I am a sucky friend, relative, niece, etc, in that I never call. I've never been the kind that calls. And over time, I lost his number, forgot which place was his, and just kinda fell out of touch for no reason. And now, five years have passed...

Back to present day: I pretty much flung myself into his arms, I was soooo incredibly happy to see him. I adore Unc!! He was very standoffish, so I talked with him, after ge have me his deets, and this was when he told me why he thought we hadn't talked for so long. Needless to say, I was incredibly sad that he was under that impression.

He also told me, in a very casual and offhand way, that he has stomach issues. Diarhea, stomach pain and such, and from the testing they have done, they have found lumps and shadows on his lungs, liver and other places in his body. His entire family died of cancer. He smokes and drinks excessively. (he says he doesn't drink like that anymore... a bit, not excessively)

I asked if he was worried (dumb question, but whadda ya say??), and he said "Nah, life is just like that, shit happens". Which, actually, for Unc is about right... lol.

As we were standing in the kitchen talking, he mentions that Rob is out talking to Tracy (my brother, talking to his wife). OMG!! I went running out, and hugged the CRAP out of her, LOL. Then we proceeded to have a really great visit. I found out that Unc works almost seven days a week at the mill. He's paid off Revenue Canada (took five years, but he's now clear!), paid off his vehicles, and is actually settled into married life and living well! Nice!!

I am going to have to make effort in this relationship that I don't normally make. Too much time has gone by. He's probably dying. God it hurts to write that...

Unc is going to take Steve on a roadtrip on Aug 15th. I want Steve to go, because I want them to have the memories together. It will be fantastic for them both. Unc will feel important, having moulded Steve's bike driving, and Steve looks to Unc as a mentor. I'm very excited for them both.

I'm worried that Unc and sis will not be able to get past (is that the right phrase?? I dunno...) the wedding. I recall Unc up at the podium giving a speech, sounding completely sloshed. He insists he had been up for 36 hours (having come from work), had only had a couple of drinks, and was NOT sloshed. And he's completely offended that it was assumed he was. I'm really really hoping that the topic just doesn't come up. I'm really really hoping that because there is NO way he will back down. He and sis are so much alike (in odd ways, not all) and each are the type to feel very strongly about how they feel something happened, or didn't happen. And he's an old codger who has his knickers in a knot. But I get the feeling that he wants to reconnect. That he's worried that he's dying, and wants to put it behind. I hope so, anyways.

Oy vey. All I know is that I love him. I've always loved the asshole. He's my asshole. Know what I mean??


Wednesday, July 22, 2009

My Tuesday

It started out well. Near the last hour of my work, Doug and Ash (my son and his babymama) came and asked how long I was going to be, so we could go hang out at the lake. I rushed through the last bit, dragged Mag quickly through her shopping, called them back... dissappointment. Now the people they are hanging out with don't want to go to the lake.

I can't even begin to tell you how bummed I was. I became instantly super bitchy and had to analyze why. I figured it out that it was because I was really looking forward to spending time with them both. I haven't seen Ashleigh since before she went on vacation, and I really wanted her to hang out with Magda and get to know her. And I just wanted some face time with them as a couple, because I enjoy them so much.

So having figured that out, I was able to let go of a lot of my anger. Instead, I flounced outside (after sunscreening, mom) and lay reading. Who knew THAT was going to turn so fabulous!

First fab thing was seeing my niece. She's been away for 20 looong days. I loved catching up with her and questioning her on her experience. I always enjoy chatting with her. It's rare to get her chatting on her own... she tends to look to her mom or whomever is with her to answer things for her (she's shy). So I really focused on asking her specific things, to get her talking. Very very enjoyable. I want more of that time with her very soon before everything is forgotten (all the little things).

Then, Mag and I are out on the blanket, and I'm reading this book called Postcards from the Edge, by Carrie Fisher (you may recognize it was a movie). It's funny and startling and sad. I read exerts to Mag and then we discovered we have a mutual love. Reading. I like reading aloud, and she likes listening to books on tape. So I ended up reading to her for a few hours. It was absolutely awesome!!! I hope we get to finish the book before she leaves on Friday. If not, I'll record it as an MP3 and send it to her, so she can listen at her convenience.

Anyway, I didn't get to run again. I HURT from the day before. Ibuprofen is my friend, I tell ya. Definatley something in the works today, as far as excercise goes.


Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Back at it!

Yesterday I damn near killed myself by running 6.81 km in 48 minutes... mainly cuz I have not excercised since getting sick. Capacity is most definately down.

Turns out Magda is right... she said to me that once I had a HRM and saw for myself how many more calories are burned during running vs other excercises, I would become a runner. It might happen. Maybe. No promises.


Friday, July 17, 2009


Ever have one of those days when your food is the BEST EVER and you wonder why you don't eat this stuff EVERY DAY? That's today.

Breakfast: yogurt, kiwi, blueberries, almonds, choco chips, granola.

Lunch: salad w/ balsamic, wrap w/ egg white, mushroom, M&M veggie burger, avocado & cheese.

I think I'm going to play with the colours on here... gonna go blue maybe. I'm bored with the pink.


Thursday, July 16, 2009

Yay Me!

I gotta tell ya, I've been pretty damn proud of myself this last week. I was over at my sister's house on Tuesday, and it was after dinner, when they ordered chinese and offered me some. Oooo man, did I want it. But I said "no thank you".

Wednesday around 9pm, I got really hungry. I snuffled through my kitchen, and instead of making a bowl of popcorn, or eating something decadent and meaty like I wanted, I ate a Praeventia bar for 100 calories and was totally satisfied.

Today I have stuck to my caloric budget, upping my veggie intake. And I feel good. I haven't been excercising because of this cold, so eating 1200ish calories is not a lot of food. Unless it's veggerific.

This was my lunch. Spaghetti squash with veggie sauce and a salad with balsamic dressing and light parmesan.

And this was my dinner. A Guiltless Gourmet California Wrap, with salad and balsamic. That is fat free plain yogurt on my wrap, instead of sour cream.

Hubby is watching football, so I'm a widow tonight. But I'm tired, so I may lay on my bed watching food network (am I a glutton for punishment or what??) until I fall asleep. Of course, that is AFTER reading all the blogs I follow! Need to catch up!



Last night I thought it would be fun to take my sister to watch the bullriding. It actually never crossed my mind that she would WANT to bullride. My people tend to be watchers.


I rode the bull only at a private party, drunk and topless. It was a kick. It was probably 7-8 years ago, when I was about 180 lbs.

As my weight climbed, the chances of me getting back on that mechanical bull went from slim to none. Especially in the bar. No freakin way was I heaving my fat ass up on that thing, with all those young hotties that are there to watch the young hotties of the opposite sex ride. I know what people whisper and giggle to their friends.

Last night I had a major MAJOR anxiety attack. But I did it. I heaved my ass up on that bull. That was actually really difficult, because I didn't jump high enough. So it came to a point of "do I continue to struggle up, or drop down and try again". Then it became a battle of strength in my mind, and I was determined that I was not too fat to strength pull myself up. That moment felt like at least ten minutes. But I got up there.

I didn't last long. But it didn't matter. I was on the bull. With 100 people watching.

I love not being fat.

Now to fight the internal dialogue of "who wants to see a 40 year old woman up there. That's my next battle.


Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Treadmills and Such

The possibilities are ENDLESS when it comes to excercise equipment. You want to tone? You want to slim down? You want to bulk up? There are sooo many choices.

Treadmills: I really love mine. Some days, lol. When I want to watch a movie, I'll pop one in on the tv in front of my treadmill and enjoy a two hour walk. A great way to get moving and enjoy myself.

Elipticals: Trainers seem to have huge issues with these machines, not liking them. I haven't used one yet with my HRM, but I plan on it, so I can see if it's as "not worth it" as they say. There are people that swear by them for a whole body workout, and they are still around (unlike those belt hip shaky thingys), so there must be somthing good with them.

Bikes: I totally want one of these. But I need one with a wiiiiiiide seat. I hate how biking makes my butt hurt for days. I do love the workout, though.

What's your favourite piece of equipment? Do you own it, or is it at your gym? If you could have a home gym, what pieces would you have?


Aging Parents

My mom lives 12 hours away from me. She's still young, but I wonder sometimes (when I allow myself to go there) what's going to happen when she's old and decrepit (sorry mom!). It turns out there are some GREAT tools out there, such as Medical Alarm.

Remember those old ads with the lady on the floor? "Help, I've fallen! And I can't get up!" Sure, sure, we've all been smashed out of our trees and slurred that line, while our friends laughed hysterically (what, just me??), but actually, it's a damn good idea, these Medical Alarms.

The ones on this Medical Alarm page strikes me as a really great one, because it actually detects a fall. What if your elderly one falls, but cannot reach a button, or knocks themselves out, or pins their arms under something. Scary, but it could happen.

One item is a fall alert, the other is a GPS bracelet. A really good idea for those that have alzheimers, if you ask me.

It seems to me that as our parents age, we need to investigate the tools that are out there. Medical Alarms might be the way to go.



I really should get back into the swing of taking pics of my food. It made for more interesting posts, don'tcha think?

Actually, I've been really fantastic with my food choices since Monday. The scale said 156 Monday morning, and this morning it was 151.4. Still not great, but it shows that I'm doing the right things to get rid of the bloat.

I haven't been able to excercise because of this cold. I know that if I do, I'm prolonging the sickness. Walking to my couch is about as much energy as I have right now. The sinus' have cleared a bit, but the cough has kicked in. Gawd I hate being sick.

I pick up Magda at the airport today at 12:30. I missed her! You get used to high energy around you, lol. I'm thinking we might go to Rooster's for some bull riding tonight if she doesn't have other plans. We'll see. I won't be drinking, that's for sure. Cannot afford the calories OR the lowered immune system.

I have discovered the secret to a happy marriage. Chaps. Yep, ever since my hubby got a motorbike, I'm drooling on him all the time. He is so damn sexy in his leathers. It's added a whole new level of hotness to our marriage, I tell ya!


Monday, July 13, 2009

Merritt = Insanity

I ♥ Merritt. My girls and I went for three days of debaucherous fun, attending country concerts (highlights were Kenny Chesney, Paul Brandt, and the Steve Miller Band... the rest I don't remember as I was incredibly wasted the entire time).

The best part of Merritt is for sure the "wildlife". Lots and lots of wildlife... most wearing cowboy hats.

Eating was bad. As in, barely ate. Drank most of my calories. Twas rather fantabulous.

We decided that if there is a god, his name is Ken. As in the Ken doll muscles. All hail Ken. LOL

A picture is worth a thousand words... so here are my words on Merritt:


Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Booooo to being in shape!!

When one is in good physical shape, apparently one has to work harder. Booooo, I say!!! Booooo!!!!

I did Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred Level 1 (which kicks my ass), only to discover that it burns 137 calories. Um... WHAT??? Did the hrm not hear me say it kicks my ASS??? Hellooooooo.

So then I felt ripped off and did Cardio GoGo. Fun... but it only burns 174 calories.

Magda laughed at me.

She also said that I will probably end up being a runner now that I have a hrm, because she has found with hers that nothing burns more than running. Bang for your buck-wise. She can bike ride for two hours HARD, and burn the same calories in two hours as it takes in forty five minutes of running.

Sigh. Does this mean I have to become a runner??

Stay tuned.


Monday, July 6, 2009


Have you heard of this stuff?

As I age, and now that I don't have the fat to stretch out my skin, I am looking all over and I see there is a bizMILLION products out there. Resurgence is one.

Now, I haven't used it myself, so I cannot say if it really works or not. Has anyone else tried Resurgence Products? They do offer a full refund, even if the bottle is empty. (that's my kind of guarantee!)

They do have a few Resurgence Reviews on the page, too. But do you believe people you don't know? Were they paid to say these nice things? Or did they just shrug and try it, and end up really liking it? I do like that they are all in my age category.

And it is cheaper than a face lift, isn't it. LOL


Wasn't that a party!

Saturday night was devoted to Apple Pie Shooters and dancing and it was AWESOME!!!

You know it's a good party when you come out of it with soundbites. You know... the funny one liners that crack up anyone that was there but makes absolutely no sense to anyone that wasn't?

Here is a sampling:

I like sausage!
Is that your armpit?
I will kiss you twelvety-five times on your cheek. (then points to forhead, and slowly corrects to cheek)

I know there is more, but I'm drawing a blank right now. I'll edit more in as I'm reminded.

Sunday was recovery. It is entirely possible that I was still drunk in the morning, because I felt great! And with the amount of shots I had... that should have not been the case. So, when hangover hit, around 4pm, I was a hurtin unit. And the only thing that could save me was sushi. Thank god for sushi. It really is a hangover miracle, isn't it?

I'm going to the Merritt Mountain Music Festival this weekend, and am STOKED. I have bought my booze, and have a line on my other festivity greenery, and will be intoxiCATED in the river come Friday. NICE.

I refuse to step on a scale right now, because I know it's bad. But I don't want that number in my head when I head out to Merritt in a bikini top. Numbers make me feel bad. The mirror is being nice to me, so I'm going to go with that, damn the consequences, and come back to a whole new view on life and back to balance.

I will be on vacation. I will enjoy it. I will drink and smoke my face off. And then I will be responsible again. And I will focus on my health again. And I will lose the few pounds that living in excess for a couple of weeks puts on. And I will enjoy myself in all areas of this journey.

Because that is what life is about.


Friday, July 3, 2009

Friday Already? NOT Complaining!!

Wow, this week has FLOWN by! And it has been so full, too. Having house guest (who is rather awesome) has thrown me off track, which it invariably does. Why oh why, do I seem to think that because someone is here, I can eat more? Hmmm? Last night we went for Starbucks, and I had my usual cold drink which is stupid low in calories, but I tacked on a cookie. THEN we were in Safeway, and they happen to carry the dill pickle baked chips I love that my regular store doesn't. Not only did I buy them, I took them home and ate the entire damn thing. WTF???

I definately see more excercise in my very very near future. The good news is that I did do a wicked workout on my treadmill yesterday, running then doing uphill walking while doing arm weights. My shoulders are screaming quietly at me this morning for it.

I have not been diligent in taking pics.

This has been my breakfast for the last two mornings. Knowing that I will probably indulge later, I have cut it down to 1/4 cup of each of the base ingredients instead of 1/3 of a cup. It still satisfies me nicely, and holds me to noon. I think I will be making this a permanent change.

At dinner time, I was in a dilemma. I love love love putting SF maple syrop in my mashed sweet taters. However, Steve doesn't like it. And it does make them ridiculously sweet, as the taters are so sweet on their own. So how can I get my lovely maple flavour and shut him up at the same time? I boiled a couple of maple TEA bags in the water and then used the tea to make my sweet taters. o.m.g. So good. I will definately do that again. And I deliberately did NOT ask him if he liked it, in case he didn't. If he says nothing, then it's his own fault. Right? RIGHT??

Lovely chopped sweet taters. YUM! (with lots left over, I'll be having this for lunch today, too)

Voila, dinner! Lambchop, mashed maple sweet potatoes, mixed weeks with blue cheese dressing.

And now the unveiling of my new toy... the Polar F7 Heart Rate Moniter!!!!

*pant pant pant* Isn't it GORGEOUS??? Magda covered most of it, and I sprung for the rest. There is NO way I would have justified spending for the cost of this on my own. She totally made it happen for me, and I am sooooo appreciative. And she was SO much fun shopping with, too. You would have howled at us in Coast Mountain Sports. And we play well together with the little boys, lemme tell ya. So much fun. Okay, he was like 12, the guy that helped us, but he was cuter than hell.

Then we hit a shoe store and I got to try on two of the CUTEST pairs of shoes. One was the J.Lo brand, and they were ADORABLE. But on sale at $30, I couldn't justify it after forking out for the HRM. Luckily I had a bonus at work yesterday, so I didn't even have to use my "own" money, per se.

I'm uber stoked for the weekend. I have to go shopping for my camping trip next week. I have to bake bread and make sandwiches for my party tomorrow night (Passion Party followed by Welcome Mag Party) and clean the house. I have to hit Costco at some point. And the liquor store. Gah!!! So much to do!!
I may not post this weekend. But I'll be here in spirit!!


Thursday, July 2, 2009


There are a RIDICULOUS number of gray hairs in my bangs.


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Polar or Timex??

I'm seriously contemplating HRM (heart rate moniters).

From what I'm reading online, Polar is the most popular, and I'm leaning towards an F7.

Does anyone have some insight, input, personal experience, heard a friend talking about, or anything you can share with me to shed some light on this crazy world of WTF??

Side Note: I was doing yoga today, and Magda took the time to help me with my poses and posture. Do you know that you learn pretty much nothing about proper postures and proper yoga from a dvd?? LOL

Seriously... I thought I was a master. Soooo not. Soooo sore after her grueling session with me. Now I'm jonesing to go to a real yoga class and learn to do it right and get the most out of my body. I've just been playing at it. This shit can get REAL. eep.