If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Saturday, June 28, 2008

As I Suspected

I'm up this week. But I believe it's because my body is just regulating itself. I've had losses every week for something like five weeks. I'm excercising a ridiculous amount. I'm building muscle. I'm thinking I'm okay with this... lol.

I'm going to get someone to meaure me today. I'll post the results... stay tuned!

Oh, current weight as of today 148.6

Monday, June 23, 2008

New Challenge!

I am going to SO rock this!

I've just joined a challenge on the Less to Lose Board.

By August 1st I will:
- lose five pounds
- earn 96 AP

Yes, I will!!

Saturday, June 21, 2008

Saturday WI

I'm feeling like the boy who cried wolf... once again I said that I wasn't expecting a loss, and I lost! Since joining the Canada Day Challenge on this board, I've really been working the program (I've learned that maintenance is going to be a snap for me, I was stagnant for so long... lol). I've lost five pounds just in the month of June so far!

Today's loss was .8 which brings me to a BMI of 26.9. WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!! I'm so close to being in the normal rate, I can TASTE it... and you know what? It DOES taste better than those muffins, cakes, chips did!!

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Today is a New Day

Okay, TOM is over and it's game on!

Today's menu:

Br: 1/2 cup swiss meusli, egg bagelwich.
Lu: couscous, leftover veggies, ham, tomato, oil, hotsauce.
Sn: pear
Dn: core chili
Sn: popcorn? frozen grapes? mandarin orange?

Water: half done my second litre today.
Activity: walk Oscar later, did an hour of dancing this morning, and an hour of step aerobics.

All week I've avoided the scale, cuz I felt all bloated and puffy. Even my clothes weren't fitting well. Thought it was in my own best interest to avoid up until yesterday. Then I stepped on, cuz I like torturing myself that way... and it read 152.2. Gah!! But then this morning it was down to 149.4. More like it!

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

omg omg omg omg omg omg



TOM week and I feel like poop.

That is all.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

My real WI


That's down 1.8 from last week.

Glory Be, I can SEE

So yesterday, could I have BEEN more nervous? Doubt it. All the way there I had to do labour breathing. In the mall, I destracted myself with nose ring shopping, then had a light lunch at the food court, once again bypassing Arby's (I'm SUCH a good girl). Old me would have used the excuse and eaten crap. New me didn't want my belly rebeling in the doctor's office... lol.

The great thing is that they give you an Atavan before your appointment. Miraculous Ninja Butter fly Killer should be its pseudanm. Seriously. I wasnt worried AT ALL after that. Moments before my surgery I asked for a glass of water, and the OR nurse asked me why. I told her I wanted to take one of the T3's they give you BEFORE the pain. She called me brilliant.

The surgery itself was weird, but seriouly only lasted about a minute on each eye, including prep, cut, laser, and refolding. The laser itself was 11 seconds. Unbelievable.

They provide you with 2 T3's and 2 sleeping pills and suggest you sleep the day away if you can.

Steve picked me up a subway sandwich on the way home. I ate that, had a glass of milk, took the other T3 and both sleeping pills and went to lay down. An hour later I got back up, took another T3 and a Sleepe-eze-D. That did the trick. I woke up at 5am after a great 12 hours of sleeping and healing.

This morning I can see! My eyes feel a little dry and kinda like there is something in one of them. I have a follow up at 8:45.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Friday the 13th

So why on EARTH did I schedule my eye surgery on Friday the 13th???? Oh yeah, cuz I'm not superstitious... LOL.

Serious ninja butterflies in my tummy. Serious. I woke up at 3:30am in a tizzy and had to read to calm myself down.

I did my WI this morning, just to see, in case Steve order's pizza tonight (that's his idea of 'making' dinner). Good news! I was at 149.6lbs. That's only down .2, but considering I honestly thought I'd be back up to 150, I'm so fantastic with that!!

Wish me luck today. I'm going to need it NOT to barf on Dr. King. Better yet, wish HIM luck.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Further thoughts...

I'm really struggling with the "accepting who I am today as my current reality". But not in a bad way. I know that it's a process, it's just completely unchartered territory for me.

As I say that, I think to myself that once again I find myself ahead of others in my experience and wishing that someone was a step ahead of me so that I could ask advice, opinions and questions of them. I know that others went through this long ago, but it's the "here and now" questions and thoughts that I wish I had help with. Of course, nothing I can articulate now, because I'm TRYING to think of stuff... lol.

I am finding a couple of people on the WW boards are going through the same mental process' I am, which helps. I think I might check out a different board, though. The "less to lose" board maybe.

I just realized how conceited that sounded... which is NOT what I meant. I guess what I mean is that I'm finding myself really loving my body and the way I look today vs yesterday, and I don't hear that from my people around me about themselves, so feel kinda alone on this step. And while I don't really care what other people think, I do know that some would consider me "changed" or "vain". And the reality is I have changed, and I am vain. But I don't think it's a bad thing. I've worked damn hard to change and I've earned feeling proud.

Damn... does this make sense to anyone else but me??

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Introspective (Is that the right word?)

This is gonna get deep, folks.

I just spent time on FB looking at pictures of myself. I really sat and looked, because you know what? I didn't really know what I looked like.

I've looked at so many pics of myself over the last year. More pictures than probably the other 38 years put together. However, most are a glance long enough to decide whether it needs to be deleted or can stay. However, looking at the pictures from Jessie's 19th, with the horizontal stipes (I know I keep going on about it, but wow that' huge to me!) I realized that I do look different. I'm a completely different looking person than I was a year ago, even.

Looking at these current picture, though, I realized that the dramatic changes are done. THIS is what I'm going to look like for the rest of my life. Well, you know what I mean. Do you? I'm kinda lost, thus the long blog. I'm facing my next chapter... in the mirror.

I've been working toward something for months and months. And I've arrived. I have been working towards being healthy, and that's what I am today. I eat well. I excercise almost daily. I live an intentionally Core life, in food and in other ways. I'm going more and more natural. Natural hair colour. Totally toned down the makeup, and don't even wear any for days at a time. But think I actually look okay that way in this body. In the fat body I just looked pasty and sick. Now I'm healthy!

I look forward to getting the last bit off, then maintenance. I'm gonna totally rock maintenance. I can eat this way the rest of my life EASY, because I like the way this feels.

((I warned you it was going to get deep!))

Feeling OP, but have to go grocery shopping!

Man, I'm struggling for Core snacks right now. A bit ago I ate a pickle, cuz I need groceries so bad... lol. I see Safeway in my future!

This was the second day of my dancing regime while making calls. It went pretty good! But I think I'm tired... it seems like it's been a very active week. Between the dancing, situps, and dog walking, I'm moving most of the time now. For my lunch break I slumped on the couch and read a book for an hour. Bliss!

Tonight I shop, then take Oscar for a walk, and then I am relaxing.

I popped on the scale again today (why? Why??) and it read 150.4. TOM is this weekend, so I know I won't retain my 140's status, but I'm really trying!! Despite wanting to scarf a big ol' chocolate bar, preferably Coffee Crisp (it's a nice light snack!).

Damnitall. Skinny feels better than Coffee Crisp tastes!!

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Today it's Fun!

I'm having a good day so I thought I would post about it.

Here's my menu:

Br: cow & blueberries
Lu: Kolbassa wrap (pts)
Sn: pear
Dn: salmon with cool salad
Sn: frozen grapes

Water: 2 litres
AP: see below

So, the last two days have been very energetic for me. Last night when I took Oscar for a long walk, my legs were killing me. So I'm taking it easy today. I'll take Oscar out for 1/2 hour walk around the block. However, I have a hard time NOT moving, now that I'm smaller!! Weird, I know.

As you know, I sit in front of the computer ALL day making phone calls. Usually I do sit ups and crunches the whole day (started doing this last week). I figure I'm on the damn ball, might as well take advantage of it, right?

So today, I turned on the radio so I have it in the background, and I've kicked the ball out of the way. When I'm dialing and on hold, I'm dancing! Makes my day go by faster, and is fun! And who knows how many AP I'm creating. Enough to feel good, anyways.

No reason this has to be a drudge, this journey. I'm all about making it fun!!

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Nice Kick Start to my Week!

Went to the track with Sam, Andrew & fam. It was great! I did 3 miles, which is 4.8km. But the great thing is that I ran 4.03 of those km without stopping!! Go me!!

I was on my second lap, and contemplating when I should take a walk break when a conversation I had with the sweeper on my 10k came to mind. When I told her I usually run 10/1 she said you eventually reach a point where you might as well just keep running. And when I did that 10k it wasn't that first 4 km that I ran that killed me, it was the 6km AFTER that.

So I feel like I have a great start to my week! Gold star for me!!

Saturday, June 7, 2008

GoodBYE 150s!!

Today the scale reads 149.8 lbs.


Next week is TOM, so it may be fleeting... lol, but I'll own it anyways! And I'll be working hard to get even further down to counteract the bloating, so if there IS a gain next week, it won't be forever!

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Check this out...

Doug and I are shopping and I'm trying on these tops. There were all different colours and patterns and he was helping me decide which one I wanted. One had horizontal stripes. We liked it and as I headed back into the changeroom I said "but it has horizontal stripes". Doug responds, "yeah, they aren't always a good thing, but you're past the point of that mattering, because it didn't even register".


Wednesday, June 4, 2008

I may actually live...

I'm definately on the mend now. I'm eating real food today. Not much of it, but it's not liquids. My head is almost cleared of cotton. Thank Gawd!!

Br: 1/2 cup cream of wheat w/ 1 tsp br sugar (pt)
Lu: leftover chicken dinner
Sn: popcorn w/ 1 tsp each margarine & olive oil, splash of vanilla & 1/2 tsp splenda
Dn: Creamy ham pesto casserole (core)

I'm able to drink water today (yesterday it hurt my stomach). I haven't excercised yet, because I just don't have the energy. Tomorrow I'll do a 30 minute meander on the dreadmill.

Not sure how the scale will react to all of this, but I'm not worried about it. It will even itself out in the long run. This is life, and sometimes it gets in the way, but that's the journey isn't it? Dealing with what life throws us and moving forward in a positive, solution oriented manner.

Game on!

Monday, June 2, 2008

Sooo Sick.

So, I had SO much fun at Cindy's 40th!! Ate all kinds of good and bad things. I was totally proud of myself for not having a chicken wing, even though I wanted one soooo badly. I had to win over something, dammit... lol.

By the end of the night my stomach was rolling with how much I ate, and I'm sooo glad I wasn't drinking! Especially since it turned out I had the flu. Yup, at 3am, there I was hugging the toilet. After a night of it, I thought it would be a lark to stand on the scale. I got down to 148.6. I'm tellin ya, I was SICK!

I'm better today, not throwing up anymore, just really really weak.