If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Thursday, June 12, 2008

Further thoughts...

I'm really struggling with the "accepting who I am today as my current reality". But not in a bad way. I know that it's a process, it's just completely unchartered territory for me.

As I say that, I think to myself that once again I find myself ahead of others in my experience and wishing that someone was a step ahead of me so that I could ask advice, opinions and questions of them. I know that others went through this long ago, but it's the "here and now" questions and thoughts that I wish I had help with. Of course, nothing I can articulate now, because I'm TRYING to think of stuff... lol.

I am finding a couple of people on the WW boards are going through the same mental process' I am, which helps. I think I might check out a different board, though. The "less to lose" board maybe.

I just realized how conceited that sounded... which is NOT what I meant. I guess what I mean is that I'm finding myself really loving my body and the way I look today vs yesterday, and I don't hear that from my people around me about themselves, so feel kinda alone on this step. And while I don't really care what other people think, I do know that some would consider me "changed" or "vain". And the reality is I have changed, and I am vain. But I don't think it's a bad thing. I've worked damn hard to change and I've earned feeling proud.

Damn... does this make sense to anyone else but me??


sesame said...

You're right. Its uncharted territory. It makes a lot of sense that you are a new you getting to know what this all means for you.

Its always hard to be the first. Yes, being the first is fun and its a blessing to be inspiring others, but I can see how it can be lonely up there all by yer self waiting for your peers to catch up.

Luckily, the web gives you quick access to lots of succeeders. I'm glad for that.

Now that you are so close to goal and have been so driven and focused there will be a lot of re-inventing. The pound by pound challenge has been brain consuming. It needs to be. But now that you are there you do have to "what now?" somewhat and its nice to have someone to bounce that off.

Also, because it has been so consuming, and will no longer be (in maintenance) you will also have to refigure a lot of how you spend your time, thoughts, find other interests and things to talk about within your peer group.

Yes, even success has its challenges.

The only thing I can relate to is my career. Its has been so consuming and a HUGE part of my life, but no one else around me was there. It got quite lonely and I often wanted to talk about things that people could not relate to.

Good news. Is that you will figure it out. You are one of the most adaptable and resourceful people I ever met. When you don't have the answers or can't find what you're looking for, you dig, and you come out the other side enlightened.

I look forward to learning from your discovery/experiences (yet again :-)

Magda said...

I don't think it's a bad thing.. as long as your vanity doesn't hurt anyone. I'm vain as hell (which is ironic as I suffer from periods of self esteem issues :P) I say woo woo to the vain!

Yeah I get that whole weird wtf this is my life... usually in a good way every couple of years. It's like things change and I'm oblivious to until it's engrained in reality and them I'm like .. damn when did that happen? Like living on my own at uni, traveling, living in Taiwan and Brazil... :D

EricaAnn said...

Awe, my beautiful friend...you are at an amazing place! I have been there a few times in my life with regards to big changes that have taken baby steps to acheive.
For so long I would be telling myself to just put one foot infront of the other and years passed with that determination and I found myself on top of the mountain I had climbed in my success...it felt so strange...I didn't know how to belong in that new world. I learned, it became confortable, my pride in my accomplishments stopped feeling like vanity and started to feel like truth.
People who couldn't accept my truth fell away, my life became less complicated and I continue to shed those layers. Weight loss is just another layer.
It's part of self respect, growth, change, acceptance, self love, personal truth. Most uncomfortable, much like allowing a kind, beautiful, gentle man to love, me, to show me how to love intimately.
I have been there before with my weight and nothing compares to that feeling. It's the truth that attaches to the statement "nothing tastes as good as thin feels".
I am so glad to be able to live vicariously through you with my post smoking weight struggle, lets me know that it will happen again!
You go girl, love that body! Honor that woman in you who wants to flaunt her stuff!! Flaunt away girl! No shame there!!! You sexy beast!!! BE PROUD! You earned every heart stopping gaze in that mirror!~ I love you!