If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Friday, December 19, 2008

Excercise Funk

I'm forcing myself to work out this week. I have been unable to drag my ass out of bed in the morning, and working out is a total chore for some reason.

I hopped on the scale today to find I'm up .2, which really is okay because it shows that I'm doing SOMTHING at least, and not really going up.

I've been determined that I will not late night snack, then find myself standing in front of the whirring popcorn machine. How the hell does that happen?? Which is why I've FORCED myself onto that damn treadmill. I knew that if I didn't, the scale would laugh at me.

Another reason the scale is being friendly to me, I'm sure, is that I've switched up my diet. I find that if I'm eating the same thing all the time, my body becomes complacent. So instead of eggy sandwich for breakfast and salmon salad for lunch, which I've been eating for weeks, I'm having oatmeal for breakfast, and a soup for lunch. Or hamburger for lunch. I think it puts my body into WTF mode. I've read on other blogs people talking about switching it up when the scale isn't moving.

I haven't even been posting on the WW boards much. I have visited a couple of times this week, but am not super active like I have been. I always can tell when I'm falling off the wagon by how active I am on the boards. It's like if I don't feel that I can motivate with my leading by example, I have no right to be posting. On the one hand, holy beat oneself up, batman! On the other, it gives me motivation to get back up there, because I really enjoy my WW friends.

Isn't it funny, this journey called life. We thing "if only _______ would happen, then everything would be perfect". And for women it's usually something weight oriented. Well, I'm at a happy weight, and it's still not perfect. I'm constantly reminded that I have to be concious of what I eat and how much I excercise FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE. Because I refuse to be a statistic.

But sometimes... sometimes I wish I didn't have to. Sometimes I wish it wasn't so in my face. Know what I mean? I'll keep doing it, but today I'm not really liking it.

I have smoked oysters and green olives in the cupboard (Sam, unscrew your face), and I want to indulge in "oyster picnic" with my husband. But because I have food issues, I have to wait until the weekend. Except we have dinners planned all weekend, and with Christmas next week, I am going over my caloric budget as it is... so when will I get to have the oyster/olive picnic? It's priorities. THAT is whay I'm sighing about. I know the right decisions. I know that I will do them. And I know that it's for the greater good. But a part of me is just sad.

Thanks for listening,



Marisa said...

Dee, I can totally relate! I often thought that if only I lost weight, I would automatically wake up thrilled with life everyday. I would look terrific in every outfit I wear and I would never feel fat. HaHa - the delusions I have! Now, being down 68 lbs., I know that I automatically wake up hoping that I will make good food choices so that I will not balloon back up to 234 lbs.!! Reality :)

♥ Dee ♥ said...

Marisa, you know what demon I really struggle with? Not seeing that big woman in the mirror when I recently HAVE made bad choices. I know that I put on a pound or two, but I constantly have to double check that I'm NOT fat again.

I don't like that feeling at all.