If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Friday, November 7, 2008

2 days of 30 left

Okay, I think I am truly officially freaking out now. I went and picked my mother up from the airport, which means she is here to celebrate my birthday with me. Very cool side note: this will be the first birthday we have been together since the day I was born.

I woke up at 6 this morning, thinking about my party, who's going to be there, and especially about who's not going to be there (and no, Mag, I don't mean you, we are good). A lot of reflection for so early in the morning.

Mom gave me my birthday present early. It's a library of workout DVD's!! Two more of the crazy Indian woman belly dance one I have, and LOVE. A three disc set of more intense belly dancing. A totally cool looking hard rock/punk aerobic dance one, and Jillian's workout!!! So stoked! Not sure which I will want to do first!! I'm thinking my neice will want to do the belly dancing with me. I think we can have some great bonding time over it. Learn it together.

Damn. 40. Why is this so hard? I have been really optimistic, saying the right things, walking the right paths... and all of a sudden, this week, I'm a blithering mess. I don't get it!! I know how fortunate I am. I know how healthy I am. I know how far I've come. I know how hard I worked to get here healthy both in body and mind. So why am I being SUCH a freak??? I can placate myself till the cows come home, but I still have a little me inside that is screaming at the top of her lungs something about "the hill". Gah!!

On a positive note, I jumped on the scale this morning and it read 144.8lbs. Woot!! When I get on my computer (I'm on the kid's one, since mom is sleeping in the office and I type like I'm punching a manual typewriter still... see? I am old!), I'll check, but I think that's my lowest yet.

I did my WI today, in case I decide to indulge a bit while out with Mummy today. I've been crazy diligent all week, fighting the cookie monster that lives within. We have a thread on the FoodTalk forum on weightwatchers.ca called Just For Today. ALL this week has been about the damn cookies. Yesterday, I won! YESSSSSSSSS.

Oh, another NSV? Mom was hungry when we got out of the airport, and it was 10 at night. I kinda figured she would be as she is usually a nightmare traveler when it comes to managing her foods, and besides it had been five hours since I had eaten and I knew I was going to be hungry again, so I had saved a couple hundred calories "just in case". Sure enough, it was a good plan. We went to Denny's. You know what I had? Oatmeal. No sugar, no milk, just a glass of water and plain oatmeal. Woot! Wasn't that great though, because apparently they salt the SHIT out of the water. Ptooo! But I was hungry, so I ate it anyways, and I resisted loading it with crap. It's all part of my "food can be fuel, and doesn't always have to taste awesome", mindset.

Well, it's going to be a good day. Mom and I are hitting Costco. Other than that, we don't really have any plans for the day. I want to go and kiss my neice (the little one). She turns seven today. My little baby girl is growing up too fast. She's the baby of the family, and definately not a baby anymore!! It's funny, I don't talk to her about my age because she is convinced that 40 is right next to death. When she had asked how old I was going to be, I told her and she clutched my hand, looked up at me with an angst ridden face and blurted "but I don't want you to die, Aunty!!" Good Lord!! How disconcerting is THAT??? LOLOLOL

Off Topic: Gum Boots. I'm going to get some today I think. This is a big step. And I kinda feel silly even saying it, but here goes. I have HUGE issues with gum boots. As a little girl, all the other little girls had pretty yellow or pink or purple gum boots. Mine? Handmedowns from my brothers. Black with red toes and soles. You know the ones I mean. I HATED them. I would have rather been soaking wet. Hmmm, now that I say that, I wonder if that's where my "I don't melt" attitude stems from. I'd rather be wet than wear ugly boots??? Maybe. Anywho, I have quite frankly always wanted pretty gum boots, but of course it's just in recent years that they have become popular in adult sizes. Now I'm ready to face this demon (the gum boot demon... how stupid is that??) and put it behind me and buy some fun / pretty gum boots for ME. *pant pant pant* Freaks me out. WHY??? I'm such a boob this week, I tell ya. Why the hell is it so hard for me to let go of a stupid gum boot issue??? What is it about human nature than makes us want to hold on to our hurt and pain so we can pull it out and go "see? see?"? Why is it easier to hang on to it, and have it twist our souls rather than grab the fix and let it go??

It's about more than gumboots, isn't it? I'm thinking it might be... rofl. Geeez. Betcha you had no idea what you were getting into, reading this blog today. Little did YOU know what warped paths it would meander down into my psyche.

I wonder if my parents will be thinking of me on my birthday? How could they not? (for those that don't know, they disowned me when I had a bastard child at 17. It was their final straw on a horrid rocky period between us.) I hope they just wish me well, as I do them. I hope they have let go of the hurt and pain, and are able to look back and see some of the good that was my childhood. I hope they are well.

I think I'm purged. For now. I'm looking around trying to figure what else to write about. Which means my brain is cleared out for the moment. Thanks for taking the time to read this mess, and not judging me to be insane or worse... I hope... lol.

Oh, I guess I should blog my day, huh? With Mom here, it's hard to say how close my plan will be stuck to:

Br: egg white omelette, 1/4 cup yoghurt, strawberries, 1/4 cup fibre1
Lu: spinach salad w/ craisins, orange pepper, egg white
Sn: apple? carrots? Not sure if I'll even be home, so could be Starbucks, too.
Dn: maybe chicken breast, steamed cauliflower, couscous salad?
Sn: wine, wine, wine!!

Happy Friday, everyone. Make it a good one.


Nadine said...

Dee, I just wanna hug you! I hope you realize how truly amazing you really are! Now give yourself a high five for getting through the past 40 years and coming out of it *shining* :)

Angi said...

You're awesome. Simply amazing.

Please know that I want to be like you when I turn 40: graceful, honest,experimental, and with a liver that rivals a rock star.

♥ Dee ♥ said...