Disclaimer:


If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.

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Friday, June 3, 2016

Today Vs Yesteryear

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I had to go through my son's wedding pics the other day to pull some for an album I'm making for Steve's grandmother. One of the best days of my life, and yes, I looked beautiful... for a fat girl.
Say what you will, but it's true. I know, I know, I've had people say "don't talk about yourself that way, it hurts me". Well... tough. I'm calling it like it is. At just under two hundred pounds at five foot freakin TWO, would you prefer I use the medical terminology? Morbidly Obese. No? Let's just go with fat then, shall we?
The first time I lost weight, as I've mentioned a few times, I was not in a great place mentally (without knowing it). I just now had an AHA moment.
Yes, it was initially tough to look at those pics. Yes, I think I looked beautiful that day. Yes, I was incredibly happy, and my weight wasn't a factor in anything that day. Today, I look at those pics and I accept that that's where I was then. Doesn't sound like much, but let me tell you, this is unbelievably ginormous for me. That first journey brought me to a place of utter shame for my former fat self. I couldn't look at pictures of my past without hating on myself for letting myself get there and be okay with it for so long. Today I'm ACCEPTing my reality.
Side Note: Funny, I had this same thought process last night as I wandered around the track. I actually talked myself past feelings of self depreciation for not having been there for four years, and turned my mind to praising the fact that I'm back and making positive changes. I then trounced happily around the track one more time (which in retrospect my hips tell me I shouldn't have, but my mind needed it).
As I look through pictures of the last four years and I think about what was, I find myself more forgiving. I recognize that I was not in a good place mentally. I was in a deep depression that nobody really knew about. I have sympathy for myself that I allowed myself to get fat again, but I soothe my soul with the knowledge that I'm not living that any more. I would never ever berate someone I love, and I am not berating myself. Mind blowing, if you knew me back then.
I can look at those pictures today and say "I was so happy that day. I love my dress. My hat is to DIE for. My growing family is so beautiful. My face shines with happiness and love. These pictures are a true representation of my loved ones' happiness and where we were in 2015".
Accept your reality. Today's AND yesterday's. If you don't love today's, change it. One tiny decision at a time.

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