If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Thursday, September 17, 2009

I want PIZZA!!

Damn Panago and their current flier with a meatball pizza oozing in cheezy goodness on the front.

I was reading blogs just now, and came across Fat Daddy's post about compliments. And it made me sad.

You see, there is a cycle, it seems. When you first start losing weight, you wait expectantly with baited breath for every pound to be noticed. The first 25 pounds or so are heartbreaking in their lack of showing. Or, they show, but people don't want to say anything incase they are just "seeing things".

But then you hit a point where people really start seeing it. And HOO-BOY is that fun!! All of a sudden you have wicked motivation! You can't let these people down! They are watching your every move, and complimenting the hell outta ya! It feels good. You feel rewarded. You feel motivated. You feel relieved.

Then you reach goal weight. And the compliments keep coming. But now they are coming in a way that is starting to frustrate you. I would see people that I haven't seen in a year, and ALL they could talk about was my weight loss. It started to define me. And it started exasperating me. I wanted to talk about other things. I wanted to talk about them. Sure, I'll tell you what I did, but then let's move on, shall we? Please? No? Okay, fine, let's keep talking about it... sigh.

My closest started seeing how I was losing who I was, and so they stopped complimenting me. Which was totally cool with me. I was done talking about it. Besides, I was in a different place than most were, and frankly, found myself stepping on people's toes all the freakin time. Best to not discuss my thoughts and feelings around my own fat issues, as people perceived it as talking about them and their issues (whether I was or not.. there was a ton of projecting). Best to keep my trap shut, right?

Only here's the thing. I've put ten pounds back on. And I'm ridiculously insecure. Ridiculously. And so I dress very very carefully. I do my best to look really pretty. Or really sexy. Or really whatever I'm going for that day. I shop very carefully. I work very hard on my appearance.

And noone says a word.


Yep, it IS that extreme.

I am struggling with this ten pounds (actually it's like seven pounds, but on my body it looks to me like twenty), and sabotage the shit out of myself. I feel like I have no motivation. Nobody cares. Nobody looks for positive on me. I have been fighting with it for three months now, and it keeps winning.

I have become so incredibly insecure, having zero positive affirmation, that I actually struggle getting out of the house now. If I'm desperate, I'll ask if I look okay, but how desperate does that look? I can tell you how desperate it feels. And if I have to ask, then I know I don't look as spectacular as I thought I did. And if I don't ask, my insecurity rises with every moment I'm out in public. I second guess myself all the time. I watch people's faces, looking with fear for their disgust. Watching their eyeballs go directly to my plumper zones. Watching for judgement. Do I really look good? Does this really go together? Are people just being nice to my face, but laughing behind my back? Will I end up on a site like "People of Walmart"?

And then I don't want to go out.

But here's the thing. I have a friend who has agoraphobia. She didn't leave her house for years. I am deathly afraid of becoming like that. But I can feel how it happens.

So I fight it. Every day I fight it. Every weekend, I burst out of my house, with a FUCK YOU WORLD attitude. I work hard to build my confidence internally. I find something good about myself and give myself affirmations. I avoid the mirror, because I get sucked into it and end up changing my clothing in a frenzy of panic. I do my best to appear confident, sexy, carefree, and happy.

But inside all I'm whispering over and over is, "do I look okay?".



antgirl said...

Awwww. Sounds like you're being awful hard on yourself.

Whatever anyone else thinks or says, it is about them and their issues not you. At least that's what I tell myself and one day I believed it. That's how I roll these days.

The Momma said...

I hear you my love and am very saddened. You look great but more important you are great.

Magda said...

lol I know that little/big voice.. that annoying insecure bitch is always yelling at me. Kick her in the teeth and channel BRAZIL! Where women are worshiped for being Women!

Bex said...

I send you my love! She exists in my head too! I try to remember that this is simply a shell, we all have skin, bones, muscle, fat, hair, it doesn't define us it doesn’t own us, because we are all different even though we are made of the same material. What defines you is your spirit, your formless self, and let me tell you your physical self is amazingly beautiful and your formless self is a Goddess! Keep your chin up, you’re a spectacular being.

Fatinah said...

your post really hit home. does it make you feel any better to know you're not alone in this?????

JavaChick said...

I hear you. I have struggled with trying to lose weight and never seem to get anywhere - granted, I have never been overweight by a huge amount, but it was still frustrating. For a while I at least managed to hold my own and not gain, but over the last couple of years I've found that I've slowly been gaining.

So I do the same thing. I pay attention to how I'm dressing and try to wear things that look good and make me feel good...And there is always that little voice in the back of my head wondering if people are thinking I look terrible because I'm too chubby, and if they are wondering who I think I'm kidding by trying to dress nice.

When I type it out, it sounds silly. But that doesn't stop it from being true.

Becca55 said...

As always dee thanks for the support! You are not alone one bit so don't be so hard on yourself, you have come so far and done so well. I honestly believe that if you feel good about yourself and the way you look then Screw what anyone else thinks. I think most if not all women have issues with their bodys and clothes etc... Besides I think that confidance in a woman is very sexy and people do see that and they most likely say "wow I wish I had her confidance". Don't be afraid to go show off your new body, even if you gain some weight its ok you still look awesome and you are also a warm hearted great woman who isnt afraid to say whats on her mind and tell it like it is.

btw may I have either your e-mail addy or you facebook address or both?

SeaShore said...

The whole compliment ride has been in my life, too, except now that I'm close to goal there have been less comments. I think people are getting used to seeing me smaller, and don't feel a need to say anything anymore. I'm just an average joe. (It's what I call the "disguise phase". I am still the person I was 90 pounds ago, but in a disguise.) Maybe people just see you as small Dee, and don't notice the 7 pounds at all. (It only looks like 20 to you.)

I bought a skirt earlier this month to wear on my anniversary, out to dinner. It was the first skirt/dress I had worn in years. Before we went out, I asked my husband over and over "do I look stupid? Do I look ridiculous? Will people point and yell freak? Will they laugh at me?" I wasn't kidding.

You are not alone.