Do You Cheat?

I was just on the WW.ca site and there is a thread there about closet eating. I used to be really bad for this. When I would make grilled cheese, I'd make one first, and wolf it down, then make the last one for me and waltz out to the family with our one each and eat with them. I constantly did things like that.

When I started WW, I struggled with this. Then I read one of the cliche phrases that said "What I eat in private shows in public". Whoa. That really floored me. It was one of those reality slaps upside the head. Who the hell am I kidding by eating that McDonald's on the way home to cook dinner, then my dinner with the family? But more importantly, who am I sabotaging?

It was a total eye opener when I realized that nobody cared. Seriously, noone did! There IS no food police to come and arrest you and throw you in jail because you ate an extra whatever.

And besides that, what does it say? It says "shows in public". Ha! You may not SEE the burrito I slammed, but you will see my clothes get tighter. But you will have no idea why, will you, because you never saw me eating those things. *raises eyebrows* Um, hello?

One of the posters over there responded to the thread with this:

I used to do this, and it's one of the things i went to a counsellor about. I would tell her i cheated and binged on something. She explained that it wasn't "cheating", that i am a grown woman who made a decision to eat something. It's not bad, it's just a choice.

When i really heard what she was saying, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It is okay to have treats. It's okay to go overboard and then get back on track. We're human, and aren't perfect.

My counsellor said some people can eat something and think to themselves "meh, that was more than i needed" then just cut back on their next meal. They don't dwell on how they failed and make it a bigger deal than it is. When you realize you didn’t "cheat" or do anything "bad", you just ate more than you should, it makes it easier to deal with (for me anyways) and makes it easier to get back on track.

Wow, huh?

So, of course, this obviously made me self look. And you know what? I do still closet eat on occasion. But 90% of the time, I have the calories for it, but I'm hiding it because I don't want any raised eyebrows. I will buy a bag of chips from the store and and an ice cream sandwich that I will eat on the way home. Then I'll sit on the couch with Steve and eat the chips, saying NOTHING about the ice cream.

Why? Why do I do that? What is the fucking point? I mean really, what's the worst that can happen? Is Steve going to throw his hands up in the air and scream "that's it, I can't take it anymore I'm leaving you because of that ice cream sandwich". Yeah, right. If he didn't leave me at 208 pounds of blubber, he ain't leavin this little hottie trophy wife of his over a stupid ice cream.

I think it's becasue I talk so fucking loudly about eating clean and nutritional choices, that when I do decide to indulge, I feel guilty, like I'm not setting a good example. You know what? I honestly DO care what people think, even if I shouldn't. And I know I can be the example that shows that you can live healthy, indulge occasionally, and be normal (eep, normal... there's that dratted word again). But you know what I mean. I can be a shining example of moderation.

And yet... I still do it. I know the logic. I talk the talk. I walk the walk 98% of the time. And I always log on NM my choices. I'm accountable to myself always. I am just not always accountable to the people in my life. Hell, I'm more accountable on HERE than I am walking home scarfing that dark chocolate bar with burnt almond chunks. I tell you all about them. But I don't tell my husband or son.

I guess I don't want to disappoint anyone. Even if they truly do not care.

Thanks for listening,

Dee