If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Thursday, March 19, 2009

Do You Cheat?

I was just on the WW.ca site and there is a thread there about closet eating. I used to be really bad for this. When I would make grilled cheese, I'd make one first, and wolf it down, then make the last one for me and waltz out to the family with our one each and eat with them. I constantly did things like that.

When I started WW, I struggled with this. Then I read one of the cliche phrases that said "What I eat in private shows in public". Whoa. That really floored me. It was one of those reality slaps upside the head. Who the hell am I kidding by eating that McDonald's on the way home to cook dinner, then my dinner with the family? But more importantly, who am I sabotaging?

It was a total eye opener when I realized that nobody cared. Seriously, noone did! There IS no food police to come and arrest you and throw you in jail because you ate an extra whatever.

And besides that, what does it say? It says "shows in public". Ha! You may not SEE the burrito I slammed, but you will see my clothes get tighter. But you will have no idea why, will you, because you never saw me eating those things. *raises eyebrows* Um, hello?

One of the posters over there responded to the thread with this:

I used to do this, and it's one of the things i went to a counsellor about. I would tell her i cheated and binged on something. She explained that it wasn't "cheating", that i am a grown woman who made a decision to eat something. It's not bad, it's just a choice.

When i really heard what she was saying, a weight was lifted off my shoulders. It is okay to have treats. It's okay to go overboard and then get back on track. We're human, and aren't perfect.

My counsellor said some people can eat something and think to themselves "meh, that was more than i needed" then just cut back on their next meal. They don't dwell on how they failed and make it a bigger deal than it is. When you realize you didn’t "cheat" or do anything "bad", you just ate more than you should, it makes it easier to deal with (for me anyways) and makes it easier to get back on track.

Wow, huh?

So, of course, this obviously made me self look. And you know what? I do still closet eat on occasion. But 90% of the time, I have the calories for it, but I'm hiding it because I don't want any raised eyebrows. I will buy a bag of chips from the store and and an ice cream sandwich that I will eat on the way home. Then I'll sit on the couch with Steve and eat the chips, saying NOTHING about the ice cream.

Why? Why do I do that? What is the fucking point? I mean really, what's the worst that can happen? Is Steve going to throw his hands up in the air and scream "that's it, I can't take it anymore I'm leaving you because of that ice cream sandwich". Yeah, right. If he didn't leave me at 208 pounds of blubber, he ain't leavin this little hottie trophy wife of his over a stupid ice cream.

I think it's becasue I talk so fucking loudly about eating clean and nutritional choices, that when I do decide to indulge, I feel guilty, like I'm not setting a good example. You know what? I honestly DO care what people think, even if I shouldn't. And I know I can be the example that shows that you can live healthy, indulge occasionally, and be normal (eep, normal... there's that dratted word again). But you know what I mean. I can be a shining example of moderation.

And yet... I still do it. I know the logic. I talk the talk. I walk the walk 98% of the time. And I always log on NM my choices. I'm accountable to myself always. I am just not always accountable to the people in my life. Hell, I'm more accountable on HERE than I am walking home scarfing that dark chocolate bar with burnt almond chunks. I tell you all about them. But I don't tell my husband or son.

I guess I don't want to disappoint anyone. Even if they truly do not care.

Thanks for listening,



Krista "Phoenix" said...

Dee... you just reminded me once again why i LOVE reading your blog! I can totally identify with you! I do the SAME BLASTED THING... I go to the drive thru, calling Shawn "do you want anything" sure, he'll have a burger... i buy him one, myself one... and of course myself 1 more for the car ride home... which i scarf and pull over somewhere to toss the wrapper and receipt.

WHY? Why do i do this?

I have an idea... just sharing a little here, hope you don't mind.

When I was married to my ex-husband, he used to make fun of me for my weight, put me down, refuse to be intimate with me... i was 290 lbs of grossness and on top of that my shitty self esteem made me personally unattractive as well. I used to go up to the kitchen, sneak a chocolate bar from my 'stash' and duck into the little bathroom on that floor, run the water and turn on the fan so no one would hear the crumple of the wrapper and I would eat it down in 3 bites or less. Brush my teeth quickly and go out like nothing happened...


Or let him go have a 'nap' after dinner on the couch so I could clean up... which was kristaspeak for "I'm going to shovel more food down rather than pack it up in the fridge but I don't want you to watch me because you always make fun of me"

I did stuff like that all the time. No wait... i still do stuff like that, lets be honest. I'm a constant diet cheater. But you're right, I'm only cheating on myself...

Shawn, unlike my ex husband, loves me to pieces, no matter what weight shape or size... and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he would NEVER care a whit if I ate 2 burgers in front of him, so why on earth am I hiding my little slip ups? He's not going to yell, leave or poke fun at me...


Thank you Dee... once again, you've given me much food for thought... no pun intended... ok fine it was intended! :)


Marisa (Trim The Fat) said...

Thanks for your post, Dee! I really needed to hear this today :) So true.

Lyn said...

Oh, totally. I have so done this. So many times. Why the guilt?? I don't know. Food is food, it has no morals attached!

Hotch Potchery said...

What an interesting post for my first visit!

Today I was driving downtown to have lunch, my favorite thing to do...I take a good book and just chill, all alone for an hour. I saw my favorite place for nachos and I seriously considered going there, and then just not telling anyone where I ate lunch. My husband could care less, he is happy I am trying to get healthy, but if I said...dude I got Moe's nachos today, he would say, "were they good?"

I also used to eat 1/3 of everyone's fries then pretend that McD's "ripped us off". Yikes.

Ron said...

OMG, you mean those white chocolate covered macadamian nuts that I have been sneaking out of the cabinet is cheating ????

Squishy ! said...

Oh boy, I hear ya on this one. I've found that sometimes I really do have to check some people in my life though- because I do get raised eyebrows and comments. I can't understand how anyone could eat junk food regularly, and then act like *I* kicked a puppy in the head because I wanted a little ice cream (or really any snack-type food) just like every other person.

wright4296 said...

OMG! I had no idea that there is actually a name for this behavior. I've totally done it with McDonalds and Dairy Queen. I've actually had two sundaes in a span of a couple of hours . . . one by myself and then one with Dan later. Yipes!
I'm glad to know that others have had similar issues.

Anonymous said...

I live alone, so have freedom to eat as I please, but there have been times in my past where I hid certain foods. Maybe it's something about trying to appear health conscious, and I don't want anybody to see me eating xxxxx. Maybe we're afraid to show our weaknesses, cravings? I don't know, haven't really thought about this in a while. It's probably just because the mom is very judgmental about food, especially mine. Hm, makes sense all of a sudden. She used to hide chips and stuff, to hide it from me (yeah, right), and she still tries to act like she never eats a cookie or a chip or dessert, but she does. I may have to write my own post about this now.