If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Sunday, February 8, 2009

Whoops! Can'O'Worms Opened!!

Someone on WW pointed out how close I am to goal (my numbers said that my goal was 145, and I'm at 147.6). My response sent me down a path I really didn't see coming. I've added to it here, as my thoughts are racing. Please bear with me. This is long and soul searching. It is bringing me to a deeper understanding of who I am. And if I own it, it's mine to let go, right? Carry on:

Oh, thanks for pointing that out to me! I forgot to change my target. I'm now shooting for 130.

I'm so DONE with being in the 140s!! For my height I should be between 101 - 136 lbs to be in the healthy BMI range. I've reset my goal to 130. Back when I first started losing weight it was at 135, but then when I stagnated at 145, I changed it to reflect that I was happy there. But truth be told, I'm not. If I fluctuate five pounds it is so noticable on this body! And it puts me in the double digit jeans, which is a huge NO to me.

I think the biggest thing is that I just want to be in the "normal healthy" range. I have a small structure, and I have fooled myself all my life that I am fine with my weight. But now that I am running, and excercising every day, and eating healthy, I see how good it makes me feel and I recognize my old ways for what they were.

My adoptive mother always told me I wasn't good enough. She worked really hard to tear me down. And where she didn't succeed in most areas, she did in my subconcious. And it came out in my weight. I was always fine with it. Or so I thought...

Isn't that funny... huh. *taps finger on teeth, thinking* I have always said that I gained weight and was fat because food tasted good. And to an extent it's true. A percentage of my issue was definately that. Another percentage was education about nutrition and portion size. But looking at it now, a huge percentage was "who cares". I mean, I knew that Steve cared. He twice tried in the NICEST way possible to tell me that I was getting bigger ("do you remember those jeans you wore back when we first met? you still have those? they were so nice... it would be awesome if you could wear those again"). But I didn't care. Well, I cared enough to cry, but not to do anything about it. Which looking back is not suprising, because you cannot do it for anyone else. It HAS to be for you. And I didn't care enough for me to do it.

I never "struggled" with my weight. It just was. I was never a yoyo dieter. Lorraine (my adopted mother), used to say that she was a professional cook and I was a professional eater.


*pause to think*

You know, I never ever got praise from that woman. EVER. Is it possible that my subconcious took that moment, that sentence, of what my young mind perceived as praise and ran with it?? Could that be the pivotal moment where it became completely okay for me to enjoy food to an excess? An excess that became completely unhealthy? An excess that made up for the other areas that were so stunted?

I have so many awful memories of my childhood (she was a stay at home drunk), but the best memories are around food. Potatoes Romanoff... omg, it was good. Christmas baking... I used to steal it out of the freezer. Steak and lobster until I was sick of it, but it was still divine. Macaroni and weiners with ketchup and mustard? It made me cry tears of joy. The lasagna, the spaghetti (but not the leftovers... lol), the everything!

You know, this explains my issues with eggs, too. Anyone who knows me knows I wig RIGHT OUT when it comes to fried eggs. Those brown crunchy bits around the edges? I will puke. I seriously start hyperventilating, and cannot eat. I turn into a jeuvinile idiot if I get served those. But it makes sense... In my teen years, when things were BAD BAD BAD, my brothers had moved out, Dad was gone all the time on business trips, and she drank her meals, the only thing she had the energy to create was fried eggs on toast. But omg, they were snotty on top, crunchy brown around the edges, and loaded with pepper. Horrifying. And I had to eat them. (trust me when I tell you, I could not stand up to her and not eat them for fear of death).

It's like those eggs were a punishment, and I didn't deserve a good meal. I wasn't worth cooking for. I was only worth those crappy fried eggs on toast. I wasn't worth the effort it took to prepare something yummy. Hmmmm, interesting. *taps on teeth*

This is making so much sense to me. I've never understood my mindset around my weight. I've never understood why it was okay to be fat. Sam and I would have conversations and hers were filled with self loathing about her weight, and mine were always a shrug of not caring and a smile of whatever. She never understood HOW it was that I could be alright with my weight. It was mind boggling to her.

I'm totally interested to see what she thinks of this post...

My mantra during my weight loss was "because I deserve it... for a change". Little did I know how true those words would ring for me. I had no idea that I didn't feel I deserved it, I just thought it sounded good. Now, I can look back with my 20/20 hindsight and see it for what it really was. Isn't it funny... I subconciously picked the mantra that I needed. But guess what? It turns out that I DO deserve it! And I CAN do it! My mind does want what's best for me, and I didn't even know it. I can be healthy. I can be strong. And a great side effect of that is that I can lose weight, and I can wear small clothes. Watch... you'll see.

Day 20 OP and still going strong.

Because I deserve it... I really do.

Thanks for listening,



angelfire777 said...

This is me - giving you two big hugs. One for "now" Dee, and one for "little Dee" (and by litte, I mean younger). You didn't deserve the crap you were doled out as a child. Plain and simple. And linking your weight gain to what you learned growing up is a HUGE step. Congratulations! (insert high five here) And thank you for sharing your thoughts. It's made me think a lot about the "why's" behind my weight gain as well.

Marisa (Trim The Fat) said...

wow,Dee. I am so sorry for what you had to deal with growing up. I commend you for recognizing all of it and for moving on from it. You are sounding very "healthy"; not just physically, but emotionally, too. That, I believe will be your key to weight loss success for ever and ever. You are doing terrific and I'm so glad that you care about yourself enough to take care of yourself in the way that you are doing. You DO deserve it!

Tamie said...


That is all.

Spot101 said...

Dee....I have visited your blog in the past but not for awile but
I am glad I did today since you shared this with us.
You have come so far both physically & emotionally.
It amazes me that someone would go through the (& get through) the adoption procedure & then behave the way your adoptive mother did.

Thanks for sharing with us.
You DO rock.

♥ Dee ♥ said...

Spot, that's what my birth mother says. Craziness, huh?

sesame said...

Its amazing the power someone can have over you, long after they're gone.

I always knew you deserved better and my heart fluttered reading your post; b/c its means so much to me that you have finally realised your self worth and power.

The more victories you bring into your present, the less power your past has.

You deserve to be healthy, you deserve to be proud, you deserve to have what you want and I know now that you will never settle again.


karen said...

Thank you SO much for sharing that, Dee!

Nina said...

WOW! That is great that you are almost to your first goal. Keep up the good work and it won't be long until you hit your new goal.

I am also working to get to 140 right now I am at 180. Working hard to lose at the minimum of 8 pounds this month!

-Nina :)

charmed i'm sure said...

oh Sweet Dee, this post brought tears to my eyes - i am sorry for the sad times in your childhood.

This post is very inspiring to me - you are such a strong & amazing woman - you rock & deserve the very very best of life!

Thanks so much for sharing this...I have a LOT of thinking to do now!