If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Saturday, February 21, 2009

Accountability Sucks

But I need to confess. It's good for my soul. And I keep coming back to that WW mantra "what I eat in private shows in public".

First, WI time: Up 1.2lbs to 147.8. First day of TOM. Not suprised. Plus...

I binged yesterday. Yep, full out, why am I eating this? PMS is no excuse. Put that back in the cupboard! Don't open that! That's not yours, you can't eat it! Binge.

What I ate:

About a cup of cheezies.
a blue menu apple cinnamon granola bar
a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie from Subway
I ordered a roast beef sub instead of turkey

I should note that in order to do some balancing out, I didn't have the chips or the afternoon snack I had planned.

Now, I know it doesn't look like a lot, and you are right. But it's the BEHAVIOUR that I'm upset about, not the food. The cheezies and the cookie were the worst. The granola bar was the most upsetting to me because I had an entire conversation in my head about why I was pulling it out of the cupboard AS the pulling it out was happening, and ate it anyways. It wasn't a ten. (on a scale of one to ten on how good it tastes, I try and limit myself to ten or close to it if I'm "treating" myself).

I reeeeeally wanted a double quarter pounder last night. I'm craving meat like nothing. I want beef. I want protein.

So, yeah... not OP. I made it four days before losing it. And I feel so bingey it's insane. I can't promise that I'll be back OP today. It's day one of my period and I am not feeling strong at ALL.

Okay, now with the positive speak (cuz I always have both sides in my head): This is only a blip in time in my journey. I've had four solid weeks of loss. In fact, as I look back I realize it was LAST months period when I gained. I gain EVERY period, almost.

Well, what that means is that I take four steps forward to every one step back. That'll get me there, won't it!! Yeah, it will!! And I've been working hard. It WILL show on the scale, even if it's not today. I know this. I've proven this. I live this.

So, no, I'm not upset overall. Yes, I had a binge moment. But when you look at it in the big scheme of things... not so bad. Definately coulda been worse!! Coulda stopped at McDonald's after work and had that doube quarter pounder. Coulda hit DQ for that Peanut Buster Parfait I wanted. Coulda.

I might hit China Kitchen in Coquitlam for lunch today and have a meat gorging fest. We'll see. I may allow it. And if it's planned, I dont' see it as a binge. For me a binge involves that fight in my head as I'm doing it, because I really don't want to be doing it... make sense? If I plan it, it's just me living my life in the way that I need to live it at this moment, and I'll do what needs to be done to counterbalance it tomorrow. I don't live a life of deprivation because if I do... that's when the bingeing happens.

Oh, and the cheezies? Those were my husbands. He always has a bag of cheezies or chips in the house, and I never eat them. They are his. It's actually weird that I had them. So not normal.

I wonder if getting up at 5:30 and being incredibly tired had anything to do with it? *taps fingers* possibly...

Anyways, I'll probably be back to blog again... this is just my morning ramble.

Have a great day!

Thanks again for listening,



Magda said...

I don't know if you're interested in my opinion.. :P but honestly I think you should give yourself 1 food holiday right at the beginning of your TOM or if not a food holiday anticipate he Chocolate and meat cravings and plan one day to not worry about the cals and get thos things your body is badgering you for.

Also I would stop doing the TOM weigh in... it just makes you feel bad when it honestly reflects nothing about your hard work. Everyone gains a pound or two of water weight at that time and there is NOTHING you can do to stop it.. so quit checking then.. you know it's going to be up.. why make yourself feel bad or that you've had some kind of set back when it's an illusion?

Anyway that's my 2 cents :)

Squishy ! said...

I completely understand about planning versus caving. They are two completely different things. It's one thing to say that I want what I want, and give myself permission to enjoy a treat. It's a totally different beast to be out of control of my own mind and body.

Do you think that it's gotten any easier for you over time?

Nadine said...

NOT that you asked (heh heh) but I think being tired has a LOT to do with it. I experience that so much, because of my insomnia. I find that on days when I'm feeling well rested, I'm stronger, but when I'm sleep-deprived, the defenses are DOWN! And I agree with Mag, choose a different time to weigh in, no sense in feeling bad about something that isn't in your control.

♥ Dee ♥ said...

Mag, you are right. (and I know that's probably your favourite sentence in the whole whide world, eh??LOL) Weighing myself on TOM is a bad idea. But at least I don't beat complete hell out of myself like I used to. I'll ponder your suggestion and see if it's possible for me to NOT step on the scale on that Sat morning. Because even if I decide not to "officially" WI, I always end us on that damn thing anyways "just to see".

Squishy: Easier? That's tough to answer. I don't know about easier. Less frequent, definately. Less food, for sure. Less strong. No. The urge is strong enough that all the arguing in my head cannot stop it. What makes it "easier" if I can even use that word, is the tools that I have learned to walk away from further temptation, and my ability to use them.

Nadine: Thanks for your input. I think being that tired had a lot to do with it, too. Between that and feeling PMS wimpy... not a great combo.

I really appreciate the support and input, from everyone. I'm always (ALWAYS!!) interested in opinions, even if I disagree or don't use the information. Life is about gathering info, in my world.