Feeling Reflective

No reason. I'm not really "in a slump". I'm watching my intake, mostley. I'm excercising ferociously. But I'm up to 150 pounds still and it's bugging me. I keep having to look in the mirror to see if that fat bitch is back, because sometimes it feels like it.

You ever have a day where you swear you wake up in the morning and all the weight is back on? Maybe you had a binge the day before and your tummy is upset. Maybe you have been off the wagon for a day or two. Doesn't it feel like you have undone ALL the good you did?

I hate that feeling. On those days I look in the mirror and I don't see 60lbs gone. I see 5lbs back. My eye zooms into all the trouble spots that I can igore most days. I purposefully turn sideways to see that my stomach is not concave.

My stomach has never been concave. It never will be. Not with all the excess tummy skin I own. And I accept that. Most days. But some days? Not so much.

Now, when I feel this way, I have two choices. I can drown my sorrow in a cheeseburger, or I can plug in and excercise dvd and work it out. I choose to work it out. Why? Because I abso-fucking-lutely refuse to be fat ever again.

We all define fat differently. There was a time in my life when 200 was my shoot me. You know, the weight where you say to your best friend "if I ever hit 200lbs, shoot me"? Yeah, 200 was mine. 200!! I'm 5' freakin 2"!! 200 was a ridiculous number.

Now my shoot me is 150. And apparently I needed to be shot this morning.

It got me thinking. Why have I been waffling around the 150 mark for a couple of weeks? Why am I content with being discontent?? I got down to 144 at my lowest and was over the moon happy. But I'm struggling to get back down there... okay, that's a lie. I'm complacent about getting back down there. I can do it if I really put the effort in, but instead I'm wobbling around in "good enough". I think to myself "at least I'm not back at the beginning" and think that's okay.

It's not okay! Complacency at anything higher than a "happy weight" is a fucking lie to yourself. It's settling. It's being not worth it. It's saying "I'm not good enough to deserve this". It's a fucking joke, and I need to fucking stop it!!

I rock maintenance. Today I'm rocking it at 150. I don't WANT to rock it at 150. I want to rock it at 145 or lower. That's my reality.

Now I just need to shut the fuck up and do it.

*stares hard in the mirror*

Thanks for listening,

Dee