If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Feeling Reflective

No reason. I'm not really "in a slump". I'm watching my intake, mostley. I'm excercising ferociously. But I'm up to 150 pounds still and it's bugging me. I keep having to look in the mirror to see if that fat bitch is back, because sometimes it feels like it.

You ever have a day where you swear you wake up in the morning and all the weight is back on? Maybe you had a binge the day before and your tummy is upset. Maybe you have been off the wagon for a day or two. Doesn't it feel like you have undone ALL the good you did?

I hate that feeling. On those days I look in the mirror and I don't see 60lbs gone. I see 5lbs back. My eye zooms into all the trouble spots that I can igore most days. I purposefully turn sideways to see that my stomach is not concave.

My stomach has never been concave. It never will be. Not with all the excess tummy skin I own. And I accept that. Most days. But some days? Not so much.

Now, when I feel this way, I have two choices. I can drown my sorrow in a cheeseburger, or I can plug in and excercise dvd and work it out. I choose to work it out. Why? Because I abso-fucking-lutely refuse to be fat ever again.

We all define fat differently. There was a time in my life when 200 was my shoot me. You know, the weight where you say to your best friend "if I ever hit 200lbs, shoot me"? Yeah, 200 was mine. 200!! I'm 5' freakin 2"!! 200 was a ridiculous number.

Now my shoot me is 150. And apparently I needed to be shot this morning.

It got me thinking. Why have I been waffling around the 150 mark for a couple of weeks? Why am I content with being discontent?? I got down to 144 at my lowest and was over the moon happy. But I'm struggling to get back down there... okay, that's a lie. I'm complacent about getting back down there. I can do it if I really put the effort in, but instead I'm wobbling around in "good enough". I think to myself "at least I'm not back at the beginning" and think that's okay.

It's not okay! Complacency at anything higher than a "happy weight" is a fucking lie to yourself. It's settling. It's being not worth it. It's saying "I'm not good enough to deserve this". It's a fucking joke, and I need to fucking stop it!!

I rock maintenance. Today I'm rocking it at 150. I don't WANT to rock it at 150. I want to rock it at 145 or lower. That's my reality.

Now I just need to shut the fuck up and do it.

*stares hard in the mirror*

Thanks for listening,



Anonymous said...

If anyone can do it, Dee, it's you. You've been such an inspiration to all of us who follow your journey along with you. I'm going to get nice and loud so you can hear me - YOU CAN DOOOOOOOOO IT! Now go for it! (if that doesn't get through, I've been told I'm good at giving people a plain ol' kick in the arse....)

Magda said...

First I have to say I love you. Next I have to say you need a good hard ... wait check your email .. kiss kiss :D