If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Saturday, January 31, 2009

I'm going to make it... if it KILLS me!

*gnashes teeth*

I'm going through an emotional crisis, but it's not mine to share, so I can't tell you what it is. Suffice it to say, I'm fairly devestated, but I have to buck up and get over it, which I will, just not today. Although it's killing me because I can't even cry because I don't have a safe place to do so. I want to burst into tears and ugly sob in the worst way. But my husband doesn't know what's going on, and I don't want to tell him. I also don't want to stress him out by being hysterical in front of him and then not telling him why. I could go out to the car and ugly cry, but I have to go shopping. I am NOT hitting the stores with a puffy blotchy face. Knowing my luck I'd run into my cutest ex. Gah. NOT happening. Tomorrow I have to face this head on, with not having been able to get my emotions out, and pretend like everything is hunkydory. I am not looking forward to it. I may win an Oscar. I have to do my best anyways.

So I'm facing that today, which for some stupid reason makes me want to eat chips. Why? *shakes head*

THEN all of a sudden, I remember that I have to do a White Spot mystery shop, an today is the last day I can do it. SHIT. I'm on day 12 of being OP, and I refuse to fuck this up. I have already got a plan for tomorrow's chili cheese dog day, so thought I was over the hump. HA!

Okay, hop online and check out the menu... done. I mapped out what I am having, and have planned the rest of the days eats around it, while getting all my nutritional elements in. Damn, I'm good. *shakes head again*

THIS, my friends, is a classic example of "failing to plan is planning to fail". Today could go completely sideways if I let it. And I mean completely. But the fact that I'm on such a winning streak... it is keeping me motivated like nothing else has. I will own this weekend, just like I did last weekend. I will win, because I am worth it!

Oh, and I weighed in today. Down another 1.4lbs, to 148.0lbs. I'm really happy with that. Slow and steady wins the race... or the journey, in this case. I'm not on a race. I am losing weight in a slow steady manner that ensures that I am statistically speaking, going to keep it off. Yup yup I am.

*deep sigh*

I want to be sad today, but I have to put on my happy sunshine face. Some things just suck.

Wish me luck...

Thanks for listening,



Squishy ! said...


Congrats with the weight in. :o ) It's always nice when something goes right, when things are all ick.

Becca55 said...

aww hun that sucks, but you are strong and will get through this. Congrats on the weightloss, that is amazing and even though I am ready to give up you are so much an insparation to me!

Marisa (Trim The Fat) said...

So sorry, Dee :(

Great job with your planning and wiegh-in! You ARE rockin this thing!!!

Magda said...

did you know that it takes (apparently, but I've heard 30 too) 19 days of doing something or not... to make or break a habit?

TJ said...

Congrats on the loss!