If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Friday, January 30, 2009

Wicked Ab Workout & Is This Normal??

Wicked ab workout: I sit at my computer all day, so I sit on an excercise ball. Whomever said that this is good for your back has probably never sat on one, because slouching on it is incredibly easy. But for the last three days I've been having fun on it. I lift my feet off the ground and straddle the ball like a horse, gripping it with my knees and using my abs to hold myself steady. Seriously, my abs feel like I've done 50 million situps and crunches. Top to bottom, too, including my obliques. The act of balancing is a plus ten on the ab workout scale.

Which brings me to "is this normal?". Ever since I hit 40 I'm obsessed with death and dying. I woke up this morning to sore abs, and my first thought was "wouldn't it be awful if that was abdominal or organ cancer and I was actually dying from it, thinking it was an ab workout related pain".

WTF??? Who THINKS those things???

I watched Susan Sommers on Oprah yesterday. You know she is 62 years old and looks AMAZING. She takes 62 pills a day, in vitamins, minerals and supplements. 62 a day! I know, that's insane, right? But she LOOKS and FEELS amazing. And she's 62! She uses hormone creams daily, she does yoga, she eats clean, and she does not feel 62. I wonder if she obsesses like I do? Will I end up like her? Eating 62 vitamins, minerals and supplements a day? I might! If it means peace of mind regarding living well and longer.

I guess I'm really having issues with half my life being over. I'm not normally a "glass is half empty" person. I'm usually an optimist. But for some reason, 40 has snuck up and smacked me so hard on the head that I'm freaking out thinking the pain is brain cancer. Okay, that's dramatic, but you get my drift.

I just wish I could stop those thoughts. It's not a nice thing to wake up to. It wasn't concious, it was the first thought that popped into my head after "ow, my abs hurt".

Side note: I'm on day 11 of being OP, and I'm coming up on the weekend. I'm not feeling incredibly confident, so I need to do some serious planning. Sunday is Chili Cheese Dog Day. We will be ice skating, which will burn some calories, but I need to sit down and figure out an eating plan that will allow me to partake and not sabotage my efforts. Of course, as I'm typing this, my mind is racing ahead. I'm thinking I'll make my own chili, and I'll have a weiner, smothered in low fat chili, with a sprinkle of cheese and a swack of fried onions (actually, sauteed in water onions, but fried sounds better). Without a bun, it should be manageable, right? Either way, I'll have to plan, track and figure calories in and out.

I can do this. I can continue my streak. I WILL continue my streak.

Thanks for listening,



Squishy ! said...

I don't know that this will be helpful to you, but I'll comment anyway. *grins* Fear is fear, and I'm not sure that it matters what age we are when it comes knocking. I think that we will always probably have some small level of discomfort at the thought of dying, because it is the great unfamiliar. For me, a lot of the anxiety was removed simply by being secure with where I'm going, not what is going to do me in. If you make your peace with it, it probably won't pester your brain so often. :)

Magda said...

it's called Hypoooocondrrreeea
lol... I do it all the time.. it takes me a few minutes but I always mentally go to the horrible disease. You used to do it too I'm sure.. you just think it's because you're 'old' but that's only because you're 'old' now.

It's like wrinkles.. All my friends here a few years back were freaking about wrinkles.. and how they had so many new ones (all mid late twenties..) then this young girl in the group get freaked with them. I refused to listen to them... you start to see what you want to see... yeah my skin is slightly less elastic than it was 10 years ago.. but chill out man.

seriously the 22 year old was only developing wrinkles because she was listening to the others and then scrunching her eyes up like they did and was then yelling look look I've got them too (which by the way was the only way they had wrinkles either...) idiots... everyone has wrinkles when you do that :P

My point is... it's psychological.. you think you're thinking it(random death diseases) because you're older.. but you're not it's something you would have thought in passing when younger and not noted, it would have faded away as a silly ha ha thing.. but being older it seemed morbid and stuck. And then got remembered. That is my theory.. even if I'm wrong it paints a nicer picture, and it's brain talk so you can make it true by just believing me :D