Disclaimer:


If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.

♥♥

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Epiphany




I was watching my niece's concert last night (which was ammmaaaazing) and I'm looking at her director and admiring her red hair. Ferria Red. And I had a though...
I have always been a "look at me" person. I crave attention.

Whoa. Back up. I just realized as I wrote that... that's where it comes from. My childhood. Wanting to be noticed. Wanting to be loved like Donny and Danny (my adoptive parents' natural children, whom my mother favoured) were. Wanting the positive attention, but taking anything I could get. Which turned to negative attention until I was midteens when it turned into sexual attention from whomever I could get it from.

Anyways, okay (deep breathe) and that is a quick snapshot of why I'm an attention whore. Or pretty much any kind of whore, LOL!!! Currently a married whore, who has her attention seeking firmly under control because she gets it in spades from her husband so doesn't need it elsewhere.

Except I still need attention, and am an outrageous flirt because of it.

But I digress... Back to the hair.

Fat people don't get noticed. Fat people live in a world of non attention. One of the strangest things for me when I started getting into the thinner stages of losing the weight was when people started randomly talking to me. I'll never forget being in Safeway, and the veggie guy just started yakking at me. I thought it was the strangest thing ever. And I recalled that the previous week, the same thing had happened to me at another store. And BAM, it hit me. People had stopped talking to me when I gained weight!!

I never noticed, because I always talked to THEM. But the reality is, or so it seems, that people are not comfortable talking to round people. Why? I don't know. But it's true.

This is why I had the hair that you see in the above pictures. People DO comment on funky hair. I was fat (can you see the way I posed, hiding my chins?) and never got the attention I craved. So I coloured my hair outrageously, looking to be noticed.

This is also why I could never understand the mindset of "hiding behind your fat". I was never hiding behind it. That was not my issue. Mine was a love issue. Eating equated to love. I crave love. Makes sense, right?

A huge part of my journey has been my hair. I now have it back to my natural colour, for the first time in my adult life (outside of when I was pregant with Logan, when the colour wouldn't take). It's a big thing for me to "just be me". And as I'm staring and admiring Fiona's hair last night, I'm thinking "I don't need that hair anymore".

Yay, me? Maybe. Maybe not. The sick cycle is still in place. But now I get the attention with my body. I get it with my face. I get it with my smile. I get it with my flirty eyes. I get it with every double take as I walk down the street.

It's funny... I walk with my friends and family and I watch for how people react to me. And when I comment on it to my peep, they didn't see it. Except for a couple of my soul mates, who are also watching for it (you know who you are *prongs fingers from my eyes to yours*). But most of my people live in the land of oblivion. Usually on purpose. Possibly afraid to see people's reaction to their physical being.

Personally, I think that is sad, because there are more positive than negative looks out there in the world.

So anyways... that was my epiphany. I coloured my hair outrageously because I craved the attention I wasn't getting because I was fat. Now that I am healthy, I want people to notice and love me for who I am, and what I've worked to look like today. Is that shallow? *shrug* It's who I am, it's how I roll.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

5 comments:

PiscesFriction said...

I totally see where you're coming from.

I do the same thing, with the loud/curse word peppered persona. Nothing bothers me, right?

Squishy ! said...

Does that mean that you've given up the bright red hair for good?
:o )

Janine said...

I was looking for healthy food blogs and came across yours, and I love it! You are so real and true to yourself and that's refreshing. I also colored my hair red in January and am trying to lose the last 15 pounds, but having a really hard time! Anyway, love your blog and I will bookmark it.

Becca55 said...

Wow I cannot believe how much alike we are. I too had craved attention most of my life in all the wrong ways, I had Bright blue hair tho. But much feel the same way you do so I can totally relate. You have come along way and you look amazing, I cannot believe you are the same person I'm looking at in those pictures. I really wish we lived closer because I think we would get along super well. Your motivation and my determanation would Kick my ass into gear.

Magda said...

Oh right.. post an epiphany after my guest post THUNDER STEALER!!!!

*sits in corner sulking*

Good epiphany though :D. I have something similar yet different, I think I kinda mentioned it in the post "The Trip"

hugs

Besides attention (positive) is fun!