If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Thursday, March 5, 2009

Is it over? Is that it? Am I ready??

I've taken the day from work, because my mind is swirling around and around. There was one aspect of my doctor's appointment that I need to literally just blog about. This post is not thought out... it's not going to be perfect. I'm letting my feelings and thought pour out of my fingertips. It may not be pretty. That's your warning.

So I went in to the doctors and we were talking about my weight loss. He asked me questions and recorded everything in my file:

What did you use?
Year 1 - Weight Watchers.

And what did you lose?
40 lbs

And then?
Year 2 was on my own, and I lost another 21 pounds. (his eyebrows shot up)

At this point I handed him my printout from NutriMirror, and my list of vitamins that I take daily. He took the time to really look at it, which I thought was awesome. Not just a cursory glance. I like my doctor, because I feel that he is in it for the patients, you know what I mean? He really takes his time, and I've never ever felt rushed with him. Even when I see him at the clinic. He is 100% engaged in your appointment.

Whoo, tangent #1!

Anyways, he looked everything over and was pleased with what he saw. He asked about my eating an average of 1481 calories a day over the last week. Was I satisfied with that? Oh yes! I eat really well. What about workouts? I told him about my four days a week of heavy working out and three days off. Again, pleased. In fact, what he said was that he should have me talk to some of his other patients. I told him I'd be happy too, but I don't think he was serious.

So we are going over everything, he's asked and recorded all the relevant questions. I'm 5'2", and I weigh 147 pounds, and this is what he says:

I think you should stop losing now.

Radio silence. I literally could not speak. My mind just completely STOPPED. Um... what? What? WHAT??? As my mind kicked back in, in kicked back into overload. Swirling, questions, comments, screaming, what? what????

So what did I do? I started arguing with him. I threw numbers and statistics at him. I talked BMI, weight charts, muffin tops. I grabbed the skin and fat hanging over my belt and shook it at him! *hangs head now, thinking about that*

In a completely reasonable tone, but talking fifteen million miles a minute I explained to him that my BMI is still saying overweight. He asked what my BMI is, and I told him that it is in the high 26's, because of course I couldn't remember SHIT what it was exactly with my brain reeling. He literally cocked an eyebrow at me. I mean seriously, he looked at me like I was a precocious child. Oh look, isn't she cute, acting all grown up. He tried telling me that this was not high. I sputtered "but it's still overweight". Again, his eyebrows shot up, he was suprised.

Side note, now that I think about it, dude has uber expressive eyebrows! I think that's another reason I like him... he communicates well with his features.

So I obviously was not winning that fight, so I moved on to this: Well, in reality, I'm only losing .6 to .8 pounds a week, so it's not a lot of weight. To which he replied, "actually, yes it is".

What? What? WHAT???? I'll come back to this. I couldn't wrap my head around it at the time, but I did later, with the help of talking it out with Michelle, Sam and Magda (I love my peeps, seriously... they let me ramble and poke in comments that help me to sort and file my thoughts and allow new perspectives. I don't know what I'd do without them.)

Okay, next arguement was to grab the flab and wave it at him. Gah! Great arguement, huh? Meanwhile, looking back now, I think of the dvd workout I watch and dude, I seriously WATCH their abs. I have a thing for abs. And when they are sitting, doing their stretching, those "abs" dunlop over their pants. And they are HOT. So seriously, is this a good arguement? *shakes head* And of course, later as I'm sitting on Michelle's floor, talking to her about this particular segment, I grab the flab and I'm looking at it, and I'm realizing... it's mostly skin. Not really a lot of FAT. Mostly just excess skin. Michelle looked me up and down that night and said "I don't think you are fat at all, I think now it's just a matter of toning what you have, and it will all come together for you".

In fact, now that I think about it, if I were to have a tummy tuck, and tighten that bad boy, I wonder how much weight it would take off. 4 maybe 5 pounds? Hmmm... there is an interesting thought. Because when I stand naked in the mirror, and turn sideways.... at this point I realize that I have the technology to show you exactly what I'm talking about.

So, as you can see, you can see my ribs. On fat people, you cannot usually make out ribs. This leads down to pretty damn slender, under the ribcage, which then leads down to the "apron" (goddamnfuckingkids). This is where I have the hardest time losing weight. That and bra fat, but I'm not even going to GO there. Huh... mainly cuz when I think about it, it's probably mostly skin, too. Damn. Anyways, here is the pic:

Now, to illistrate what I'm now discovering about myself, I grab the flab. (don't worry, I'm not waving it at you... apparently that's just okay to do to the doctor) As you (and I) can see, I can pull it up and hang onto it. But is it fat? Am I still overweight? Who decides that?

Sam raised a good point. As I was rambling to her, I said "I wanted to achieve a healthy body". And she comes out with "well, if you said that to him, and he's looking at you, he's telling you, you've achieved that, so you can stop trying for it. You are there." Then Magda tells me that as she's listening to me, she's not REALLY worried, but that I should watch for signs of eating disorder in myself... because there are a few little niggler signs that I could head in that direction if I'm not careful.

Hell, I KNOW that!! That's what my whole freaking out has been about since I got home from the doctors. Because I don't WANT to stop yet. I'm not THERE yet. Mag says "when is 'there' for you?". Fuck.

And then it all boiled down to one thing. BMI. My BMI says that I am still overweight. And all I want is to be normal. That's it. Normal. It's all I want. I've been overweight my entire life, except for a three month extremely unhealthy period of drugs and SlimFast shakes before I got pregnant with Doug.

Magda called me on it. "What's Normal?" I spouted off the BMI numbers. Off we went on a tangent again, and then it comes out again. I just want to be normal. Magda, under her breath "there you go with that normal word again". She's right. And I know, logically, that the BMI is not an exact science. I know that shorter women have a higher BMI than tall women. I know that muscular people, athletes and body builders have a higher BMI but are not fat. I know that.

But here's the crunch, and I know I keep coming back to it. I just want to be normal. But what does that mean to me really? If I were to open THAT can of worms... it is so much more than my weight. I've always described myself as marching to the beat of my own drum. Although I've recently changed that to tuba, because most people march to the beat of their own drum, and I love celebrating that I am different. I talk about how when I met my mom, I finally found out why I am so different than everyone else... I'm like her. We do not classify ourselves as normal. That's a good thing, in our world, cuz normal people are either boring or completely fucked up. And who wants to be either of those??? We attract others who are spectacular vs normal, which is why the people who are in my life ARE in my life. Then there is my childhood. It wasn't normal. It was a complete and total mindfuck being raised by a Stay At Home Alcoholic. Not normal. Having a kid at 17. Not normal. People always comment about it. Usually in the positive, at how I'm so amazing. Again, though... not normal. I have two kids from two different fathers, and I'm married to neither one. Not normal. Dysfunction that turned into something spectacular. Fantastic, but not normal.

It's funny, all the "not normal"s are great, or turned out great, for the most part. I was able to put the bad stuff behind me, and move on to become a well balanced person who has a fantastic life, is surrounded by fantastic people, has an amazingly large support group, both in real life and online of people who genuinely care, which I don't know is normal.

So maybe all this is why I just want one, just ONE area of my life where I am normal.

I don't want to be a member of the heifer cankle herd anymore. I want to be normal.

I'm scaring myself.

I used to say I want to be healthy. But I am healthy. When did this shift happen? When did my goal change? When did the number start really meaning so much to me? I've always talked the talk.

When I got to 145 last time, I went through this same mindfuck, but it was based on my own insanity. Today it's based on my doctor's comment. And I'm still reeling. I just don't know what to do.

Okay, let's go back to this. He said ".6-.8 pounds IS a lot of weight". I couldn't wrap my head around that, because I have had the mantra ".5 - 2 lbs a week is a healthy weight loss" stuck in my head. But then, it was pointed out to me that at weight fat, this IS a healthy weight loss. But at weight healthy? Maybe not so much. Mag and I are obviously both bad at math, but we got our point across to each other (mainly her to me) that at over 200 pounds, a two pound loss was probably a close percentage to what a .6 loss is to a 147 pound body. Okay, I'm going to try to do the math...

Damn, I love google... You don't have to do ANYTHING yourself. Here's the formula:

((IW-AW)/IW) * 100= weight loss percentage


((208-146)/208) * 100 = 29.8% of my body weight I've lost. Woot!! Okay, but that wasn't the question, that was just for fun. Onto the science...

((208-206)/208) * 100 = .96% Two pound loss at 208lb start weight.

((146-145.2)/146) *100 = .54% .8 pound loss at 146lb start weight.

Hmmm... I'm making a case in my favour...

((146-144)/146) * 100 = 1.37% Two pound loss at 146lb start weight.

((146-144.5)/146) * 100 = 1.02% 1.5 pound loss at 146lb start weight.

You know, I'm looking at these numbers and I'm thinking... it's small decimal points. Wee fractions of what? But let's put it in perspective here... butter. Picture this in not numbers, but bricks of butter. Although, I'd like to know if human fat is equivelant to a pound of butter in size and mass. Okay, google is not giving me results. Anyone know any science that answers that?

So, looking at two pounds lost at 208 vs 146, thinking in pounds of butter, yes, there is a huge difference between just under a brick, and one and a third brick. So I guess if you look at it that way, yes, losing .6 to .8 lbs a week IS a large loss.

Hmm. I have to chew further on that one. That's going to take a while to wrap my head around. I've been striving for that two pound loss for weeks, and have been sorely disappointed at not achieving it, even when I was 24 days OP. But if I'm not truly overweight, my body is finding it harder to find two pounds to spit out. So it's taking little bites of little fat stores under lots of skin, and ptooing it out a little at a time? Hmmmm. Interesting.

Also, I wonder how much muscle mass I'm accumulating with my working out? I know I'm getting stronger. I know I've gained inches in my arms, thighs and bum (yay!), so that tells me there is muscle growing. I didn't take that into account.

You know what? I've got to stop focusing on my "spots". My bra overlap, which I fucking hate with every fiber of my being. My tummy skin/fat that will probably never go away. I mean really, this skin on my body held 208 pounds. It's held over 180lbs for over 20 years. How can I expect it to be all taught and firm?

Am I on the quest for perfection? No. That's healthy. Am I on the quest for normal. Yes. That may be unhealthy.

Thought tangent on this: I was having a convo with Jaimie at work. We were talking about bathing suits (horrors) and I was explaining to her how when I was fat, I was not self concious, but NOW? Totally subconcious. She (skinny little thing that she is and always has been) couldn't wrap her head around it, so I was trying to explain it to her, which actually helped clarify it in my own head. You see, as a fat chick, I looked good for a fat chick! But now? I don't look good for a fat chick, cuz I'm not fat. But I don't look great for a skinny chick cuz I'm not skinny, either. So I'm much more concious of the blurbles of body deposit now, because I don't fall into either category.

Which brings me full circle back to... I just want to be normal.

I look fanTAStic for a former fat chick. I have done an amazing job, and I've worked hard to achieve a healthy body, the healthy way, over a long period of time. I am strong, and athletic. I'm healthy in every aspect... except my BMI and clothing size. Yeah, I said it. Clothing size.

I don't WANT to be in the double digits EVER. Right now, I still bounce between and 8 and a 12 depending on the article of clothing. Some things I fit small, some medium, and some still large. I hate large. I don't want to be a large girl. I've worked two fucking years to not be a large girl. I just want to lose enough to be a medium or small girl who fits in only single digit clothing sizes. THAT is my enough. And THAT would put me in the normal range of the BMI. And why is THAT wrong?

Maybe it's wrong because we aren't talking fat, but excess skin. All over my body, not just my tummy. I was fat everywhere.

Sigh.... I don't know. I'm still swirling. But I'm a little more clear. I just need to wrap my head around this stuff. I need to rethink my body, my values, my everything.

But I can't help this... the little voice in the back of my head... "I just want to be normal".

Thanks for listening,



sesame said...

I think that people who face adversity in their childhoods all struggle with their definitions of "normal", "good enough" and "what next".

As you read and research your way through this types of quandries I thought that this might be an interesting blog for you during this phase of self discovery www.guesswhatnormalis.com

From the site:

"I think it's important to remember what is meant by "guessing at what normal is." It's a state of guessing, a state of anxiety and vulnerability. Guessing at normal isn't a self-confident state of being. Mind you, aching to be normal presupposes that 'normal' is an important state of being. I would argue that there is no "normal," in fact. Particularly since there are millions of us who grew up in alcoholic homes--just in North America alone--it's more common to be not normal than it is to be normal!"

An interesting post:


Amy said...

Wow... great visit with your doctor. A lot to think about.

farm girl. said...

wowsers. that is one heck of an appointment, and lots to think about.

but you're right. we each have our own normal and where we want to be. but if i looked like the not grabby version of you - i'd be happy with it.

but that's the thing. are we ever really happy with what we've got? or are we always going to be looking for more? or a better or easier way to maintain what we got? cause we all know it's hard work.

or do we want the "easier" way out? and by always wanting more, and striving for more are we setting ourselves up for a sense of failure or non-accomplishment?

you're FAN-TAS-TIC!

Magda said...

   /ˈnɔrməl/ Show Spelled Pronunciation [nawr-muhl] Show IPA
1. conforming to the standard or the common type; usual; not abnormal; regular; natural.
2. serving to establish a standard.
3. Psychology.
a. approximately average in any psychological trait, as intelligence, personality, or emotional adjustment.
b. free from any mental disorder; sane.
4. Biology, Medicine/Medical.
a. free from any infection or other form of disease or malformation, or from experimental therapy or manipulation.
b. of natural occurrence.

7. the average or mean: Production may fall below normal.
8. the standard or type.

Stop using the word normal... it's clear you don't know what it means.. you were normal before you lost all the weight is that what you REALLY want to be? if so then shut your cake hole and tuck into an entire cheese cake while telling everyone you're not fat, they're too skinny. YOU do not want to be normal.. normal is an illusion .. it doesn't even exist... it's something you have invented in your head.

kiss kiss

ps.. ;) while reading I was thinking.. there you go with that normal word again

Shrunk said...

Hey Dee!

Here's my HONEST opinion and experience. First off, I agree with your doctor. Stop now. You are thin and you've got some bangin' curves girl! If you cover up that little tummy flap (fuckinggoddamnkids) and honestly look at the rest of your body...it's perfect! Definitely "normal" and I'm not just saying that. It looks fit, thin, and curvy. This is what every woman dreams of! You can keep fighting your body (the way I did) and whittle that tummy flap down to a flat, long hangy pancake, but then the rest of your body looks too thin and that sucker REALLY flaps when you workout. I've done it! When I was 137 lbs (remember I'm 5 ft 10.5") I looked like a bobblehead and I had bones juttin' out everywhere. It actually hurt when I would bump a hipbone or something, and people were CONSTANTLY telling me that I was too thin. Including my OWN body, which all on it's own, (despite eating lowered WW points and continuing to work out for the last8 months) has gradually raised my weight to the 150's. When my weight was too low, I was constantly spotting and menstruating. I was irritable, and low and behold...now I have low iron from 3 yrs of working out and always eating in a calorie deficit. I DESPISE my tummy too, but I have to admit, it does look a little better with some filler. I think a pooch is sexier than the flat, hangy pancake, PLUS when I was 137, I had wrinkles EVERYWHERE! Under the armpits, on my boobs (which were also flat as pancakes) and under the bum cheeks. It wasn't attractive at all! I still struggle to accept the fact that I am better off in the 150's, but I know in my heart that I look and feel better.

I think that you should be extremely pleased with where you are at, and just be patient. Good things happen to those who wait. At the end of March, I get to meet with a plastic surgeon whom my doctor has convinced to help me with the tummy issues at no cost. I'm still not getting my hopes up, because it sounds too good to be true, but we will see. If not, I still know that I'm better off where I'm at now in comparison to 4 yrs ago :O)

And holy crap! You're 40?!?

Love ya Dee. I think you're just incredible for what you've done with your body, and it takes alot to impress me.