If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Friday, July 25, 2008

A Crossroad...

I just got off the phone with Magda, then I read Nadine's reply to my Thursday Stress blog and see that my two healthy sheros are both telling me the same thing! I promised Mag I'd think on what she said, so I'm thinking here as I'm typing. Keep in mind, I'm mirroring what Magda said to me, just putting it into my own thoughts and words.

Stepping on the scale each week in the WW fashion is what I needed to do in the beginning of my journey to get into the mindset of being concious of where I am, what I'm eating, how I'm working my body and doing what I needed to do to lose the weight and stop being fat.Magda asked me if I feel good in my clothes. Yes, I do. I feel that I look good, and that I rock the clothes these days. She said "then what else matters?". I should put the scale away and step on it maybe once a month. She feels that I am at a crossroads and am entering the phase of my journey where obsessing over the scale will be detrimental, considering we're talking about half a pound or so a week. As Nadine said, Magda also pointed out that if I continue eating healthy, working out, and living my life, my clothes will tell me if I need to step it up, or cut it back. I don't need the scale anymore. I have the tools and the focus, and as I work out and continue eating properly, my body will tighten. If I want to obsess over numbers, obsess over the inches, not the weight.

When I told her that the thought of giving Sam my scale and asking her to keep it for me scares the shit out of me, she said that concerns her and tells her that I have an issue. The good news is that I have the personality that I recognize when things could possibly spiral out of control for me. Thus all these deep thoughts and posts. I do see my obsession with the scale becoming unhealthy. I could go in a bad direction with it and I recognize that.

But am I ready to give it up? I've spent a year and a half tied to the damn thing. Am I happy with my body? 90%. Am I happy with where I am? 90%. I love how I look in most clothes. I don't love how I look naked. However, I mostly like it. That's good. My BMI is still overweight, but Mag says "who cares". She says if you feel good, you feel healthy, you eat healthy regularily, you work out regularily, and your clothes fit you and make you look awesome, WHO CARES what the scale says. On the outside I'm all puffed up "ya, who cares!", but there's a little tiny voice inside squeaking 'um... I care!". Gah!

A crossroad to be sure... which way will I go? I need to ponder. I will think on it. I will WI on Saturday... and then I will consider putting my scale away.I said I'd think about it, and I will.

That's where I'm at tonight. We'll see what tomorrow brings.


Magda said...

[On the outside I'm all puffed up "ya, who cares!", but there's a little tiny voice inside squeaking 'um... I care!". Gah!]

I'll let you in on a little secret, the same one I shared with Leanne in Uni.. while at the bar she was like.. "you guys are so confidant and awesome... I wish I was like that..." we shrugged and said "so.. be like that." She said "but how..?" I told her .. "The same way we do... FAKE it ;)" ... I thought she was going to die on the spot to find out we were just as 'lame' as her we just refused to play that game.

When the little voice whispers "I care" tell it to shut the fuck up and that you don't care because it means NOTHING.... I weight about 10-15KG's more than I look like I do... The smaller I get I do not loose weight I often gain it... When I'm thin, I'm HEAVY as hell, the scale MEANS nothing at this point. And even if it's not true.. just say you don't care.. play the game.. fake it... Fake it long enough and it'll come true ...always does. ;) It's powerful stuff fake the good stuff till it's real.. ditch the bad stuff.

The scale is now bad.. say goodbye.

hugs love yeah ;)