If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.


Thursday, July 24, 2008

Thursday Stress

I don't know why it is, but Thursday causes me major anxiety. I step on that damn scale every morning and it's always up (today was down to 148.6) and then on Thursday I do a harsh workout, Friday I don't step on the scale, and do very light workout, maybe just walking, all in prep for that Saturday moment of WI. It's crazy. For the next two days I won't eat any of my WP, or my AP. I eat so hardcore... but concious of getting enough calories in so my body doesn't hang on to the weight in starvation mode. I eat foods that will clear my bowels, in order to get as much weight off and out as possible.

You know... I'm really looking forward to maintenance when I won't have this stress. And it's only less than 20 pounds away. Thank god!!! Not exactly sure what that magical number will be... I'm having a difficult time NOT seeing fat everywhere on my body.

On that note... Steve actually got pissed at me the other day for pointing out fatty bits. I think he's worried that I'll become anorexic, or get unhealthy or something. And I can see how it happens. Erica took a pic of my leg to show me the muscle definition (btw, Erica, can you send that to me?). She showed me, and I was so blown away by the cellulite and fat that I couldn't look for the definition she was talking about. Is that unhealthy? I look in the mirror and admire the hell out of my waist, but cringe at the pouch (the one Sam calls the Kangaroo Pooch). Will that pouch ever go away?

I've become obsessed with staring at women's bodies, trying to define what IS normal in today's society, and for women my age. Although, for women my age, size 14 is average, and I don't want to be average. And most of the women my age I see on the streets have poor posture, extra pounds, or just look damn old. So I look to the younger ladies, but is that setting myself up for an unhealthy body image?

When is it going to be "good"? Really, I should be excstatic about the body I have today... but I'm still a size 10/12, and HAVE to get into the single digits. I'm also still at an "overweight" BMI, so I know that I still have to lose. Yet, as I was posting all those before pics on FB last night, I was so proud of where I am today... why isn't that enough? Why do I still obsess each week? Why do my emotions ride on that horrid little number?

And the most unfair of it all is that as I get closer to healthy, the weight will be harder to shed, and the stress level will rise. So unfair.

Speaking of the pics I posted on FB last night... Man, I love my husband. He came in as I was editing the posts on them and I'm so upset looking at them. I said to him, how come you let me out of the house like that? He says "how do you talk to a woman about her weight, there's no way to do it". And he's right. But I'm looking at those pics and seeing how happy I am and inside I'm thinking How the hell could I be so fucking happy when I looked so goddam horrible and fat and ugly and chinny and where the fuck are my eyes in all those rolls on my goddamn face how does THAT happen?

I know that sounds terrible, but I feel safe here telling you my inner thoughts, and I thank you for listening. It's just that I feel so incredible in my body today (outside of a couple of bad pockets of yuck) that it boggles my mind that I was OKAY with being so fucking huge. I was OKAY with it! In fact I was HAPPY. WTF??? I guess I can chalk it up to I never knew better. Because I was not a yoyo dieter, I never lost any, so never felt the sexy skinny, so didn't miss it. The last time I weighed this, I was 20. Yep, 20. Yeesh! How did I get so old?? But alas, that's another rant for another day.

Today's Fuel:

Br: leftover custard oatmeal w/ unsweetened applesauce (leftover cuz I stopped when satisfied yesterday YAY)
Lu: cabbage unrolls & milk
Sn: leftover swiss chard & yams
Sn: cottage cheese & fruit & ground flax
Dn: vegetarian chili & milk
Sn: popcorn

Water: 2L
AP: Yoga 50 min, walk the dog 30-60 min

Thanks for letting me ramble...