Disclaimer:


If you have issues, or baggage, you may be offended by what you read here. I work through my self loathing of my own fat, and my own fat issues, and I’m told this comes across as loathing all fat people. That is simply not the case.

Here I talk about my issues and my findings, without political correctness. I am not concerned with your issues, or your baggage, or what you may take from this. The title is "My Journey".

This blog is not meant to inspire anyone. I take no responsibility for what you take away from here. You are here as a guest into my inner thoughts.

♥♥

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Crossroads

I find myself at a crossroad in life. And I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. I'm kinda standing here, scuffing my toe back and forth, wondering if I'm going insane, or if the world is sending me a message, or what.

I think the word I keep coming back to is "balance". In life we try and always find the right balance in everything. In work vs home. In play vs serious. In OCD clean vs Disgustinly slovenliness. In healthy eating and excercising. In pretty much everything we do, we strive for a balance.

When you go through a major life changing event, it tends to change values and perspectives. It changes your view on things. And some people will say it changes a person as a whole.

In Dale Carnegie there is a saying: People don't fear change. They fear the way they percieve change is being forced upon them.

Is this true? Or do we really really fear change itself.

I've changed. I've been accused of it, and quite frankly, it's true. My values are different. My perspectives are different. I see the world through different lenses than I did before. I have different guidlelines. I have different lines. I have different expectations of myself. And maybe I have different expectations of others, too. Which is not always fair.

It was recently pointed out to me that I have said some incredibly hurtful things. Now anyone who knows me well knows that I would never intentionally hurt someone with my words. And if I have, please please, call me out on it, and gently let me know how I've offended, because for the love of gawd, I would want to change my wording and explain myself. And by calling me out, I don't mean by being condescending or finger pointing, but rather solution oriented and goal setting. I am all up for positive speak and reinforcement.

I had an amazing conversation today about this whole topic. I had a lot of AHA moments. One of the things that was pointed out to me was that in order to be succesfull in my weightloss journey, I had to become very "me-centric" or "me-oriented". And now that I'm here, I struggle now with finding my new niche. And finding the balance of still staying true to me (after all, it is still true that I can be difficult, or I can be fat), and incorporating the needs and wants of those close to my heart.

What I'm having the hardest time with is when I say something, and I'm being completely me-centric, but the person that I am saying it to, or that is reading my blog, takes it personally and is offended. There are some that are so close to me that they are able to take that step back and say "whoa... okay, now what does she really mean by that, because I know Dee, and how I read it is NOT how she meant it". But there are others that don't have the years and years of communication dynamics, that struggle with my words and read me all wrong. And then call me out on it. And then it's an ugly finger pointing match. And while I'm fine, I worry that they are not, and that they will hold it against me until the end of time.

Look, basically, hear this... this is my blog, and I write shit here, and no... I don't think all the time. Posts like this are literally just my fingertips tapping out my thoughts. There is no political correctness. There is no "should I say that". I just say it. If you don't know me well, please listen to this very carefully: I would never EVER intentionally hurt anyone EVER. EVER. Can I say it any clearer? If it's politically incorrect, or something that I have found offensive about my own fat body or mind (cuz I've had both), please do not internalize it. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about me.

This is supposed to be my safe place to come and talk and just blah out my thoughts. But as I've seen a bizmillion times in the blog world... sometimes that comes up against a thorny wall.

But back to balance. Another thing that was pointed out to me today is how often my physical appearance is commented on. I get emails to "Slim". The first thing people say to me is "wow, you look amazing". It happens all the time. And it is not like I'm not grateful, but ya'll wonder how I can be so me-centric? Hell, how can I not be?? I am defined by my body. We, as a society, define people by something about them. "Your remember Kerri? Dark hair? Big boobs? Yeah, her!" It's a fact.

I've been told that sometimes it's hard to order a meal in front of me, because there is concern that I am going to judge, or add up the calories in my head. Fair enough. I do add up the calories in my head. I can't help it. I'm educated in it, and in some ways it SUCKS. When I was uneducated, fat, and blissfully unaware, I could order a deep fried platter of appies, a milkshake, a burger and fries, and not be concerned about the fact that it was probably close to 4000 calories and I should only be eating under 2000 a day for the WHOLE day. But now I know better.

But here's the thing. I may be aware of your caloric intake, but it's NOT MY JOURNEY. And hey, maybe you've been super great and are splurging. That's balance. Why are you concerned about what I think? Christ, if there's one thing I've learned in this past two years, it's that you cannot judge a book by it's cover. You never know where that person is in their journey through life. Maybe they have lost 200 pounds and have another 100 to go. Maybe they have a debilitating disease that they cannot lose weight with. Maybe they lost their mother last year, and are still suffering through mourning, and icecream really really helps. Who knows, right? Noone can judge. And if they do, let em. It's no skin off your ass.

And I know what it's like. Both as a fat person getting healthy, and as a healthy person having a treat. The other night I was out for a late night treat. I debated back and forth over something healthy, to set an example and show how good I am, or the brownie ala mode because I really was feeling crappy and wanted a treat. I went with the brownie. But I agonized over it for a few seconds.

People think that when you get to goal, that everything is all hunky dory. It's not. Issues that haven't been dealt with are still there. New issues crop up (sometimes daily, it seems). But we do what we always do. Try and find the balance. Try and figure out how to step around everyone's issues, without tromping on them. And when we make a wrong step, apologize and file it in the box of nosays for that person.

As we get older, we have more issues, more baggage, more sensitivities. I keep coming across things I cannot converse with certain people about. It seems to be more and more lately. It's like I'm being judged for judging, and all because I got to goal. Maybe I've been too honest with some people in my life. They aren't where I am. Maybe I should choose whom I speak with more carefully. Or maybe I should not speak at all sometimes.

I miss being able to share all my thoughts. I miss being able to have someone to relate to. I miss not being in the club.

Thanks for listening,

Dee

15 comments:

PiscesFriction said...

I think that it sucks that you feel you have to censor yourself around people that should know you ebtter than that.

Everybody judges, and if they say they don't I judge them to be a liar.

Smooches

Feel free to judge me anytime.

♥ Dee ♥ said...

Oh, I judge you, alright. I judge you to be one sexy biotch!!!

Thanks for the support, love.

Magda said...

Well it's happened more than once that I've called out out on stuff, but it was more I was pointing out you were being a poor role model.. and as I know you better than most of your readers and even I misunderstood what you said you should clarify. But you always say .. oh shit I didn't even think of it that way... yeah I should say something to clear that up :)

I don't usually personalize unless someone uses my name.. lol

Saje said...

I am all about finding balance right now! For the record, I find your blog to be blunt and to the point, but never intentionally cruel. Personally, I find it refreshing whenever I come across those rare people who are so willing to speak their minds; I think that it is sad that there are people out there who internalize the thoughts of others. Certainly I have had my feeling hurt from misunderstandings in the past, however I have done all that I can to clarify what was unclear and move past it. I know a number of people who can't seem to move beyond the initial sting and almost seem to seek out further ways to wave the flag of victimhood. I feel bad that some inividuals have to go through life like that, but I would not start censoring what you write to please others. I enjoy your blog how it is and I hope that you don't change it!

Laura said...

This is your blog. This is your life. Your opinion - and you have every right to feel that you can express yourself. I hate when people judge or make you feel like you cannot be open and honest.

I personally believe this whole blog thingy is about expressing yourself - your real self and learning, growing and sharing with others to become better.

Never sensor yourself. You deserve a voice.

carla said...

some people will say it changes a person as a whole.

may I dare say that it has nothing to do with you?
In that when I became healthy I found so so many people saying that I CHANGED and I WASNT FUN ANYMORE (?) when really nothing changed except that after a night out drinking Id getup and work out the next day (Grad school. I know but its true :)).

It was all about them.
I "made" (their word) them feel badly about their choices.
I "made" them feel bad that they werent doing what i was doing when it never occurred to me to fret about anyones choices but my own.

HANG IN THERE.
Your new expectations and values and choices are fantastic ones.

If I can ever get my book published theres a whole chapter on this phenomena in there...

MizFit

Watching and Weighting said...

Dee please don't start censoring what you say! Then it simply wouldn't be YOUR blog! I think you're FAB and I love reading here!!

So there :)

sesame said...

Different identities/hats-

We all have different hats that we wear, different identities, and different sides of ourselves that we share with others. When certain topics arise we exercise different levels of censorship and/or tailor our message, depending on the audience. Agreed?

So, I confess, I have religiously been checking your blog to see how your thoughts poured out following our lunch conversations. I have a heavy investment in your happiness and desperately wish for tough stages to pass quickly.

I’ve read the responses from your fellow bloggers that say such things as “don’t sensor yourself” and “your blog, say what you want”. These are responses I expected. They also use blogs to work through their thoughts, stages, struggles, victories etc. so they share that, in a unique community, with you. They share that same sense of entitlement and view blogs somewhat as a “shared diary”. I get it. I can’t argue their points.

That said, I began to think about the different communities you have and the level of engagement/impact you have with each.

Obviously what you say on your blog would not have the same impact that a face to face conversation, expression, passing comment, evening together would have. If your day to day intimate people are upset by what they read on your blog, it then becomes a case of “two worlds colliding”, I think.

Really, if people are going to go there to read it, they do so with a level of risk. As many have said, this is where the uncensored version of you appears and you have every right to that.

Those of us in your intimate day to day world who decide to peep at you in that community also have the opportunity to talk to you personally about what you write, think, work through. That said, if we don’t find that reading your blog is complimenting the relationship, we also have the option not to read it and keep the relationship purely personal. (I bounce between these two, depending on the day, but I know you are only a porch chat away if I want to talk to you further about something that may or may not relate to or refer to me).

Louwho said...

Feeling a very close part of your intimate day-to-day as well, I could see where this was coming from and where it was going as soon as I started reading your blog today.

I also thought I knew which of your blogs was being referred to.

I get what everyone, EVERYONE, here is saying babe. This is your blog and your thoughts and everyone has the option to read or not to read.

I also get the part that was hard to read in that blog. That part about "fat people don't get attention" or "people don't talk to people that are round". "Ouch" for those of us that are still round.

Those are our feelings though, our own insecurities about our own bodies. Those statements were in no way a reflection of how you view us personally. I get that babe. Howeverm, it was a very "generalized" statement.

I was able to process it because truly I feel, in spite of my weight, I have still always received that kind of attention.

Your success is an inspiration to me babe. Whether keeping up through your blog or having porch-time with you, I don't think it's a bad thing that I aspire to follow your lead.

♥ Dee ♥ said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
♥ Dee ♥ said...

As with anyone's blog, writings or thoughts, not everything applies to everyone. Consider it a "given" in my writing.

Again, and thank you for realizing it, it was my thoughts and anguish pouring out of my fingertips, without political correctness, and without thought to other people's feelings. Again, thank you for understanding that this is my personal diary, and my readers are guests into my inner thoughts and emotions.

Krista "Phoenix" said...

Dude... trust me on this one... there ARE bloggers out there who use their blogs as a literary weapon of sorts to put people down and lash out at others... and honey, believe me, you are not one of them! If people are taking anything written on HERE and internalizing it... that is unfortunate. All I have ever gotten from reading your blog is a sense of inspiration, and insight into a very amazing and wonderful person!

Oh and also... Seriously, when we have lunch... PLEASE count my calories for me! LOL! I suck at it! :)

PiscesFriction said...

Can I also add that your blog makse me take a more honest look at me?

I took the fat people don't get seen blog personally. I know it's true and I don't like it. I make an effort to talk to round people, because I know how it feels to be looked over.

I also took what you said about being more mecentric personally because I struggle with it. I am always looking for something or someone to blame my weight on.

I cannot focus on other peoples issues when I need to deal with my own. Does that mean I am going to ignore everyone? No! But I have to be ok with saying no, to owning up, to calling myself on my own BS.

So that's what I have taken personally from your blogs.

Magda said...

mah... go ahead and count my calories.. it's a meaningless number to me.. all I know is I 'burn' like 1000's of the little suckers... lol besides if I felt you were being a poo poo face I'd just tell you.
(and then hit you with a spent Christmas roll.. WEE)

The Momma said...

good God we all know that I'll have an opinion. In a blog one feels free to write what one wants. You are right these are your thoughts. And it is good to write them down. And it is nice that you share them with others. ( a kind Compassionate thing to do) I also feel that it is the job of the ones how love you to help you to realize how you are being precised. especially when it is so not who you are. We May not do it in the a way you like but we only mean to help not to hurt.
Love mum