Crossroads

I find myself at a crossroad in life. And I'm not really sure what I'm going to do. I'm kinda standing here, scuffing my toe back and forth, wondering if I'm going insane, or if the world is sending me a message, or what.

I think the word I keep coming back to is "balance". In life we try and always find the right balance in everything. In work vs home. In play vs serious. In OCD clean vs Disgustinly slovenliness. In healthy eating and excercising. In pretty much everything we do, we strive for a balance.

When you go through a major life changing event, it tends to change values and perspectives. It changes your view on things. And some people will say it changes a person as a whole.

In Dale Carnegie there is a saying: People don't fear change. They fear the way they percieve change is being forced upon them.

Is this true? Or do we really really fear change itself.

I've changed. I've been accused of it, and quite frankly, it's true. My values are different. My perspectives are different. I see the world through different lenses than I did before. I have different guidlelines. I have different lines. I have different expectations of myself. And maybe I have different expectations of others, too. Which is not always fair.

It was recently pointed out to me that I have said some incredibly hurtful things. Now anyone who knows me well knows that I would never intentionally hurt someone with my words. And if I have, please please, call me out on it, and gently let me know how I've offended, because for the love of gawd, I would want to change my wording and explain myself. And by calling me out, I don't mean by being condescending or finger pointing, but rather solution oriented and goal setting. I am all up for positive speak and reinforcement.

I had an amazing conversation today about this whole topic. I had a lot of AHA moments. One of the things that was pointed out to me was that in order to be succesfull in my weightloss journey, I had to become very "me-centric" or "me-oriented". And now that I'm here, I struggle now with finding my new niche. And finding the balance of still staying true to me (after all, it is still true that I can be difficult, or I can be fat), and incorporating the needs and wants of those close to my heart.

What I'm having the hardest time with is when I say something, and I'm being completely me-centric, but the person that I am saying it to, or that is reading my blog, takes it personally and is offended. There are some that are so close to me that they are able to take that step back and say "whoa... okay, now what does she really mean by that, because I know Dee, and how I read it is NOT how she meant it". But there are others that don't have the years and years of communication dynamics, that struggle with my words and read me all wrong. And then call me out on it. And then it's an ugly finger pointing match. And while I'm fine, I worry that they are not, and that they will hold it against me until the end of time.

Look, basically, hear this... this is my blog, and I write shit here, and no... I don't think all the time. Posts like this are literally just my fingertips tapping out my thoughts. There is no political correctness. There is no "should I say that". I just say it. If you don't know me well, please listen to this very carefully: I would never EVER intentionally hurt anyone EVER. EVER. Can I say it any clearer? If it's politically incorrect, or something that I have found offensive about my own fat body or mind (cuz I've had both), please do not internalize it. I'm not talking about you. I'm talking about me.

This is supposed to be my safe place to come and talk and just blah out my thoughts. But as I've seen a bizmillion times in the blog world... sometimes that comes up against a thorny wall.

But back to balance. Another thing that was pointed out to me today is how often my physical appearance is commented on. I get emails to "Slim". The first thing people say to me is "wow, you look amazing". It happens all the time. And it is not like I'm not grateful, but ya'll wonder how I can be so me-centric? Hell, how can I not be?? I am defined by my body. We, as a society, define people by something about them. "Your remember Kerri? Dark hair? Big boobs? Yeah, her!" It's a fact.

I've been told that sometimes it's hard to order a meal in front of me, because there is concern that I am going to judge, or add up the calories in my head. Fair enough. I do add up the calories in my head. I can't help it. I'm educated in it, and in some ways it SUCKS. When I was uneducated, fat, and blissfully unaware, I could order a deep fried platter of appies, a milkshake, a burger and fries, and not be concerned about the fact that it was probably close to 4000 calories and I should only be eating under 2000 a day for the WHOLE day. But now I know better.

But here's the thing. I may be aware of your caloric intake, but it's NOT MY JOURNEY. And hey, maybe you've been super great and are splurging. That's balance. Why are you concerned about what I think? Christ, if there's one thing I've learned in this past two years, it's that you cannot judge a book by it's cover. You never know where that person is in their journey through life. Maybe they have lost 200 pounds and have another 100 to go. Maybe they have a debilitating disease that they cannot lose weight with. Maybe they lost their mother last year, and are still suffering through mourning, and icecream really really helps. Who knows, right? Noone can judge. And if they do, let em. It's no skin off your ass.

And I know what it's like. Both as a fat person getting healthy, and as a healthy person having a treat. The other night I was out for a late night treat. I debated back and forth over something healthy, to set an example and show how good I am, or the brownie ala mode because I really was feeling crappy and wanted a treat. I went with the brownie. But I agonized over it for a few seconds.

People think that when you get to goal, that everything is all hunky dory. It's not. Issues that haven't been dealt with are still there. New issues crop up (sometimes daily, it seems). But we do what we always do. Try and find the balance. Try and figure out how to step around everyone's issues, without tromping on them. And when we make a wrong step, apologize and file it in the box of nosays for that person.

As we get older, we have more issues, more baggage, more sensitivities. I keep coming across things I cannot converse with certain people about. It seems to be more and more lately. It's like I'm being judged for judging, and all because I got to goal. Maybe I've been too honest with some people in my life. They aren't where I am. Maybe I should choose whom I speak with more carefully. Or maybe I should not speak at all sometimes.

I miss being able to share all my thoughts. I miss being able to have someone to relate to. I miss not being in the club.

Thanks for listening,

Dee