Today's Fuel

Br: spinach pie & a banana
Lu: salmon, couscous, mushrooms, chopped brocslaw, sesame oil (pt), canola oil, lemon seasoning, soya sauce, all nuked in the microwave together.
Sn: oatmeal custard pudding
Sn: cottage cheese & peach & ground flax
Dn: core meatloaf muffins, rice, swiss chard

Happy Thursday!

I just had the BEST breakfast! I cooked steelcut oats in milk with some honey and vanilla, then when it was done I threw in a mashed banana and some peach chunks. Yum yum!

Well, the last two days have seen me on the treadmill. I'm getting back into running on it. It makes a nice break in the middle of my day.

I have stepped on the scale twice since I threw it up in the closet. The first time was a couple weeks ago and I was at 150.2, so I knew I had to get back in control. I knew I had gone a little overboard with the extras in my diet. Having both a bagel in the morning and a wrap at noon, adds up quickly. Plus I was eating till full rather than satisfied. I avoided the scale for a week when I knew I should just peek to check where I'm at. Needless to say, seeing the 150's again... not cool.

So I stepped on it again a couple of days ago, and it was at 149.6. Okay! I'm maintaining! Good show!

I was getting bored with my excercise, thus the back being on the treadmill. I seem to do things in phases. I'm good with back being in a running phase. Not sure that I'll even move it out doors. Mind you, never say never, right? All I can say is that today I'm happy on my treadmill. I'm not in training for anything so I can stay happy on my treadmill.

Oh and I found a fabulous 5k trail I want to run. Gold Creek, up to the lower falls. Steve and I went for a walk up there and it took us and hour twenty to walk it. Would make for a lovely run one day.

Today is a new day and I have a new saying! NOT an option. It's all over the WW boards right now. When faced with a choice, make something not an option. Muffins? Not an option. Chocolate? Not an option. Feel like skipping your workout? Not an option. I like it!!

So that's it for today. I'm in a good place. I'm happy about my weight. I'm happy about my current level of excercise. It's all good!

Today's food

Br: scrambled eggs & buffalo burger patty
Lu: leftover pork bites with swiss chard
Sn: cottage cheese, grapes, ground flax
Dn: satay, potatoes, cabbage
Sn: popcorn & milk

I was on the treadmill and watching the food network and got the idea for the satay.

Mix together:

ff plain yoghurt
olive oil
minced garlic
peanut butter (pts)
curry powder
onion powder
celery salt
cilantro

I chopped up a turkey thigh in chunks and poured the satay sauce over the chunks in a ziploc baggie and marinated them in the fridge all day. Then skewered and baked.

It was okay. Not fabulous. Don't think I'd do it again.

Monday... again?

Gah, it comes around quickly, doesn't it?

My "new venture" is definately picking up business. Fantastic! I'm feeling like it's going to be a good week!

My fuel today has been:

Br: Egg Bagelwich
Lu: yoghurt, oatmeal, bulgur and a banana
Sn: salmon fillet
Sn: cottage cheese w/ ground flax
Dn: pork bites & southern bacon swiss chard
Sn: popcorn if I need it

Thursday, Already??

TOM is almost gone and I can see my ribs again. Phew! It's weird how much it affects me now that I'm not carrying all that extra weight to mask it.

Today's Fuel:

Br: blueberry meusli
Lu: hamburger wrap (3)
Sn: cottage cheese w/ peach & ground flax
Sn: plum
Dn: leftover stirfry?
Sn: popcorn & milk

I bought a 2 litre of milk in a plastic jug, and I've been using it for my water. What I'm finding is that I'm refilling it and drinking most of it again, so I've almost doubled my water intake! Before I had a one litre bottle that I refilled twice. Very pleased with that.

Last night Logan came for a walk with me. Teenagers! He bitched and whined that he didn't want to, then half way through he admitted he was glad he did. It was nice to spend an hour with just him and I and the dogs. The only downer bit was that I had to break something to him. You know when you see those people on American Idol and you think "who didn't love them enough to tell them they can't sing and allowed them to get up on stage in front of North America and make fools out of themselves?" Well, that's the example I used to Logan last night. Dude has NO pitch. NO tone. But he thinks he's great because he sings with passion (which I praised) and gusto (which I praised). I gently suggested he might want to look into having a convo with his cousin for some pointers. As much as he was disappointed, he was really mature about it and thanked me for putting it to him the way I did. He knew it came from a place of love, vs mocking.

Tuesday Ramblings

This is an interesting phase I'm in today. Still excercising... but not quite as much. Still eating healthy... but with a few more bread products. The thing I'm struggling most with is portion control. Which tells me that I will struggle with it for life. Because food tastes good. Healthy food tastes fantastic. I'm thinking my life long mantra will be "One bite tastes like the next".

Overall, I'm pretty happy... but I know I've gained a few pounds. And I'm afraid to step on the scale and see how MANY. It could be as much as ten. But I doubt it. Plus I'm in full blown TOM, and have spent the last week bloated.

It's funny... I never felt my symptoms of PMS like I do now. I definately bloat. I definately retain water. I definately put on some pounds. When I was fat it did not affect me. I guess it's like Michelle feels with kids "when ya have so many, you don't notice a couple more".

Once my period is done, I'm going to step on the scale, just to see. And it's not going to be on a Saturday. I don't know why. I just really feel like I needed to say goodbye to the psychology of my Saturday WI.

On a side note, my quads are killing me. I worked out for about two hours on Sunday. It felt good. I went for an hour really brisk walk down to the bank and back yesterday, then did about 20 minutes of stepping while watching X-Weighted. Which reminds me. Another trick I need to do is surround myself with the education, literature, and conversations around health and fitness, otherwise it's too easy for me to ignore it and fall back into my old habits. Time to break out the old WW magazines (bastards haven't sent me the last two... ask me how I feel about their service) and reread what works. I signed up for Women's Fitness magazine. They offered twelve issues for twelve dollars. I couldn't resist. And I need the incentive.

That's what I realize today. I need the incentive for the rest of my life. I can't just say "I'm done" and close the door. I still need to talk about it. I still need to read about it. I still need to be active with people. Unfortunatley, I'm also in a bit of a funk in other areas, and feeling a little alone (totally my issue) and dealing with how to deal with that for the rest of my life, too.

It's another year of change. One I'll be looking back on and admiring how I got through it healthy and intact. In the meantime, it's a work in progress. But for some reason today it feels like a very lonely work in progress.

Let's Hear it for Blueberry Season!!!

Last night I threw in a container 1/3 cup steelcut oats, a couple tablespoons of bulgur, two big scoops of ff plain yoghurt, maybe 1 tsp of honey, about 1/3 cup milk and some bloops of vanilla extract. This morning I scooped some of it over a cup of fresh blueberries and YUM!!!

What a great way to get dairy, freggie AND grain in all at once. Fantastic way for me to start my day.

Today's Fuel:

Br: blueberry meusli
Lu: wrap w/ leftover bacon veggies & kidney beans
Sn: carrots
Sn: plum
Dn: steak, baby potatoes, swiss chard
Sn: popcorn & milk

AP: 30 minutes of hard step aerobics & dog walk, maybe some yoga (back is hurting, need to stretch it out)

Water: at least 2 litres

GAME ON!!

Today's Fuel

BR: WW bread (1pt) toasted with nectarine's and ff cheese on top.
Sn: cottage cheese w/ ground flax (1) & carrots
Lu: wrap (3), w/ tuna, avocado & kidney beans
Sn: nectarine & carrots (need to hit the grocery store)
Dn: chicken breast & swiss chard.
Sn: popcorn w/ franks oil

Thursday Ramblings

I'm so stoked for the weekend! Steve and I are going to the fireworks on Saturday. Not sure if we are doing English Bay or what. Then Sunday having Cindy and Erica come into town and hopefully a river running through it. The weather forecast is looking promising. Cross our fingers that Sammy can join us, even for an hour, in the river so she can see where we go. She hasn't been there yet. Yep, Erica, you were the first of my girls to experience the Maple Ridge River Running Through It.

I'm kinda concerned about my activity level. My work has not facilitated working out to the degree I was, so I'm down to my nightly walks with the dogs and maybe 1/2 hour a day dancing/stepping. So what I've done is increased the intensity of it when I do it. And considering how crappy I've been eating (little bits here and there) I better smarten the fuck up. Freedom from the scale seems to have gone to my head, and I don't want it going to my tummy!! But then it's not even been a week, so I should just relax and find my groove. Right? RIGHT??

Today's fuel:

Br: fried egg sammich on WW bread (1pt) w/ tomato & ff cheese
Lu: leftover Core Alfredo Casserole & a glass of milk
Sn: cottage cheese, blueberries, strawberries & ground flax seed
Sn: carrots?
Dn: pork loin chops, rice, swiss chard
Sn: popcorn & milk

Kryptonite!

So apparently, pizza is also kryptonite to me. Yeesh!

Yesterday we helped Andrew & Michelle move, and then had pizza. I totally over indulged. Then I get home around 8pm and about 20 minutes later I hear Steve yell "dinner's here". Guess what he ordered... pizza! And could I say no? Nope. Got in there and had another slice and a half. Cuz it was a different flavour... my favourite.

Then I'm sitting here this morning OBSESSING over the damn leftovers. I've now eaten two pieces and am NOT happy.

As of RIGHT NOW control is mine. RIGHT now, I'm back in control, dammit.

Tuesday's Rambling

Good Morning, All!

Well, it's a fine rainy day, isn't it? My flowers and lawn are very happy at least.

My abs STILL hurt from the gym on Sunday. I copied what a skinny girl was doing, and I see now why it works. Yikes!

Yesterday I danced for a couple of hours then went for an hour walk in the evening with Sam and the dogs. Was completely OP in eating. Today my workout will be helping Andrew and Michelle unload and unpack.

Today's fuel: Br: Oatmeal w/ apple sauce & sf maple syrop
Lu: pork burger, couscous, carrots
Sn: apple
Dn: fake crab & pasta

Went a little nuts....

... this weekend.

I gave in to my once a year craving for a Peanut Buster Parfait on Saturday. Mind you that was after going to the Carribean Festival and only snitching 2 mini donuts from Steve rather than having my own dozen, and not having the usual curried goat with rice and trimmings OR the gelato I had promised myself.

Sunday I had a baby shower to go to, so I went to the gym in the morning. At the shower I had a very small piece of cake, a sliver of a brownie, one 2-bite caramel coffee cake, 1/4 of a 2-bite butter tart, a ton of veggies and fruit, and two pieces of bread with spinach dip on them. Yep, I actually got a knife and cut slivers off things rather than eat the whole piece. Then I came home and got a chef salad with garlic cheese bread from Bobby Sox and shared it with Steve.

Overall not horrible choices. Could have been sooo much worse.

Took Oscar and Morgana for a walk around the block and that was it for the day. Layed on the couch watching TV the rest of the night.

Today is completely OP again:

Br: oatmeal
Lu: soup & grilled cheese (1pt)
Sn: yoghurt & fruit w/ flax
Dn: pork burger w/ gravy & steamed cauliflower
Sn: popcorn

Down and GONE

I was down another 1.6 this morning and the scale is officially put away.

Today I am 145.2lbs.

Friday Menu

Br: custard oatmeal made with milk
Lu: cottage cheese with brocslaw mixed into it, ground flax & my Frank's popcorn oil (yum!)
Sn: apple
Dn: Couscous with ham, avocado, tomato, Frank's & oil & a glass of milk
Sn: carrots

AP: 30 minutes hardcore step aerobics, 30 min dog walk, 40 minute walk uptown and back for coffee tonight

Grains: 2
Freggies: 4
Protein: 3
Oil: yep
Dairy: 2

I'm good! Got it all covered!

Rough Night

Man, I slept rough last night. Tossed and turned and obsessed.

But posting on WW I realized why I'm struggling so badly with this.

To give up the scale is a leap of faith. Faith in myself. Do I have what it takes to do this? Can I control my weight without the scale controlling it for me? Do I have the faith in myself to give up the scale?

Faith. Not something I have a lot of these days in other areas. Haven't had to apply it to myself like this before. It's a new concept. Not one I'm entirely comfortable with. Blind belief. It's the blind part I'm having problems with I think.

I know I have the tools. I know that I know what to do. I know what I need to move and how I need to eat and I know how many workouts I need to do. I can still track my AP, my nutrition and my measurements. All I would be giving up is one appliance. One tool out of the toolbox. Just one.

But it's the most important one of my journey so far. The one that has kept me going and kept me motivated and made me mad enough to kick my own ass into gear and rewarded me when I worked hard.

... omg. It's my mother. Seriously. It's the mother I didn't have growing up. What kind of Freudian sick bitch am I???????????????????????????? Why am I obsessed with the way the scale makes me feel??? Why do I work so hard to please it and stress at the thought of giving it up? Because it tells me when I'm having good behaviour and it gently scolds me when I'm not. It doesn't beat hell out of me, it just points out the error of my ways and sits back quietly without judging. And when I have good behaviour it quietly gives me my kudos and sits back and lets me celebrate. And the thought of giving up one of the healthy responses in my life scares me back to being a little kid. Except that it's not the scale reacting unhealthy, it's me obsessing over it's feedback.

Okay, I'm seriously fucked up. This took a bizarre turn, didn't it?? Because my childhood was so traumatizing and abusive I turn to anyone and anything, including inanimate objects for unconditional, non-judgmental feedback???

I mean, it's weird the panic I feel at the thought of giving up the number on the scale, but seriously??? Why did my fingers type this? Where did it come from? Is my subconcious thinking up excuses to NOT give it up? Or is this real in my mind? It just sounds so bizarre... and CRAZY.

Whoa. I need to think further on this.

I don't think I'll be posting this on the WW site. They really WILL think I need therapy. They don't know me and my ways of working things out. I just need to yatter it out, sort it, deal with it, and fold it neatly back away in a safe place.

Bear with my insanity, folks... I promise it won't last. I'm just figuring my way through, and you happen to be the recipients of my inner chatter.

A Crossroad...

I just got off the phone with Magda, then I read Nadine's reply to my Thursday Stress blog and see that my two healthy sheros are both telling me the same thing! I promised Mag I'd think on what she said, so I'm thinking here as I'm typing. Keep in mind, I'm mirroring what Magda said to me, just putting it into my own thoughts and words.

Stepping on the scale each week in the WW fashion is what I needed to do in the beginning of my journey to get into the mindset of being concious of where I am, what I'm eating, how I'm working my body and doing what I needed to do to lose the weight and stop being fat.Magda asked me if I feel good in my clothes. Yes, I do. I feel that I look good, and that I rock the clothes these days. She said "then what else matters?". I should put the scale away and step on it maybe once a month. She feels that I am at a crossroads and am entering the phase of my journey where obsessing over the scale will be detrimental, considering we're talking about half a pound or so a week. As Nadine said, Magda also pointed out that if I continue eating healthy, working out, and living my life, my clothes will tell me if I need to step it up, or cut it back. I don't need the scale anymore. I have the tools and the focus, and as I work out and continue eating properly, my body will tighten. If I want to obsess over numbers, obsess over the inches, not the weight.

When I told her that the thought of giving Sam my scale and asking her to keep it for me scares the shit out of me, she said that concerns her and tells her that I have an issue. The good news is that I have the personality that I recognize when things could possibly spiral out of control for me. Thus all these deep thoughts and posts. I do see my obsession with the scale becoming unhealthy. I could go in a bad direction with it and I recognize that.

But am I ready to give it up? I've spent a year and a half tied to the damn thing. Am I happy with my body? 90%. Am I happy with where I am? 90%. I love how I look in most clothes. I don't love how I look naked. However, I mostly like it. That's good. My BMI is still overweight, but Mag says "who cares". She says if you feel good, you feel healthy, you eat healthy regularily, you work out regularily, and your clothes fit you and make you look awesome, WHO CARES what the scale says. On the outside I'm all puffed up "ya, who cares!", but there's a little tiny voice inside squeaking 'um... I care!". Gah!

A crossroad to be sure... which way will I go? I need to ponder. I will think on it. I will WI on Saturday... and then I will consider putting my scale away.I said I'd think about it, and I will.

That's where I'm at tonight. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Thursday Stress

I don't know why it is, but Thursday causes me major anxiety. I step on that damn scale every morning and it's always up (today was down to 148.6) and then on Thursday I do a harsh workout, Friday I don't step on the scale, and do very light workout, maybe just walking, all in prep for that Saturday moment of WI. It's crazy. For the next two days I won't eat any of my WP, or my AP. I eat so hardcore... but concious of getting enough calories in so my body doesn't hang on to the weight in starvation mode. I eat foods that will clear my bowels, in order to get as much weight off and out as possible.

You know... I'm really looking forward to maintenance when I won't have this stress. And it's only less than 20 pounds away. Thank god!!! Not exactly sure what that magical number will be... I'm having a difficult time NOT seeing fat everywhere on my body.

On that note... Steve actually got pissed at me the other day for pointing out fatty bits. I think he's worried that I'll become anorexic, or get unhealthy or something. And I can see how it happens. Erica took a pic of my leg to show me the muscle definition (btw, Erica, can you send that to me?). She showed me, and I was so blown away by the cellulite and fat that I couldn't look for the definition she was talking about. Is that unhealthy? I look in the mirror and admire the hell out of my waist, but cringe at the pouch (the one Sam calls the Kangaroo Pooch). Will that pouch ever go away?

I've become obsessed with staring at women's bodies, trying to define what IS normal in today's society, and for women my age. Although, for women my age, size 14 is average, and I don't want to be average. And most of the women my age I see on the streets have poor posture, extra pounds, or just look damn old. So I look to the younger ladies, but is that setting myself up for an unhealthy body image?

When is it going to be "good"? Really, I should be excstatic about the body I have today... but I'm still a size 10/12, and HAVE to get into the single digits. I'm also still at an "overweight" BMI, so I know that I still have to lose. Yet, as I was posting all those before pics on FB last night, I was so proud of where I am today... why isn't that enough? Why do I still obsess each week? Why do my emotions ride on that horrid little number?

And the most unfair of it all is that as I get closer to healthy, the weight will be harder to shed, and the stress level will rise. So unfair.

Speaking of the pics I posted on FB last night... Man, I love my husband. He came in as I was editing the posts on them and I'm so upset looking at them. I said to him, how come you let me out of the house like that? He says "how do you talk to a woman about her weight, there's no way to do it". And he's right. But I'm looking at those pics and seeing how happy I am and inside I'm thinking How the hell could I be so fucking happy when I looked so goddam horrible and fat and ugly and chinny and where the fuck are my eyes in all those rolls on my goddamn face how does THAT happen?

I know that sounds terrible, but I feel safe here telling you my inner thoughts, and I thank you for listening. It's just that I feel so incredible in my body today (outside of a couple of bad pockets of yuck) that it boggles my mind that I was OKAY with being so fucking huge. I was OKAY with it! In fact I was HAPPY. WTF??? I guess I can chalk it up to I never knew better. Because I was not a yoyo dieter, I never lost any, so never felt the sexy skinny, so didn't miss it. The last time I weighed this, I was 20. Yep, 20. Yeesh! How did I get so old?? But alas, that's another rant for another day.

Today's Fuel:

Br: leftover custard oatmeal w/ unsweetened applesauce (leftover cuz I stopped when satisfied yesterday YAY)
Lu: cabbage unrolls & milk
Sn: leftover swiss chard & yams
Sn: cottage cheese & fruit & ground flax
Dn: vegetarian chili & milk
Sn: popcorn

Water: 2L
AP: Yoga 50 min, walk the dog 30-60 min

Thanks for letting me ramble...

Wednesday's Plan

Today's menu (again, planning as I'm writing so bear with me):

Br: oatmeal custard (milk, oatmeal, cinnamon oil, with an egg thrown in at the last minute)
Lu: ham & spinach salad wrap
Sn: cottage cheese, fruit, ground flax (0 pts for 1 tblsp)
Sn: carrots
Dn: steak & swiss chard

Water: 2l
AP: 1/2 hour stepping, dog walk, 50 minutes yoga

Tuesday's Fuel

Hmmm... Planning as I write, so bear with me.

Br: Oatmeal
Lu: Wrap w/ ham, avocado, tomato, sprouts, brocslaw, mustard. (2pts)
Sn: cottage cheese, ground flax, strawberries
Sn: carrots
Dn: cabbage unrolls & salad
Sn: popcorn if I need it.

Protein - 3
Grains - 3
Freggies - 5
Oils - 3 (avocado, flax & oil on popcorn)

Okay, that looks good!

I sent out a link via email to a newsletter called "BrandAid". Really really informative. Right up my alley! If you didn't get it, google it if you are interested, or email me and I'll send you the link.

Today's Fuel

Br - oatmeal
Lu - fried egg sammich on WW bread w/ oily salad
Sn - plain yoghurt w/ ground flax & fruit
Sn - carrots
Dn - chicken burger w/ spinach salad

AP - walk the dog for an hour + 3 hours of dancing/stepping
Water - 2-3 litres