It's Official

I'm wimping out tonight. My feet hurt so much I can barely stand on them, let alone run!

I hereby do solemnly swear to do my run sometime this weekend.

Struggling

I'm totally struggling today. I'm not in a great place. Feeling very quiet. Work has me stressed to my maximum capacity and I feel like I'm gonna blow. Or crumple. And I don't know which one will be worse.

Then, I'm cleaning out one of the bins and I find a sandwich baggie FILLED with chocolates. Mini Hershey's bars, Mini Coffee Crisp, and others. I actually held in in my hand, waffling back and forth. I wanted to stuff them all in my mouth at once. I didn't. I put them in the cabinet. The cabinet is right across from my desk (as is everything in this office).

I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and those chocolates are calling me. However, I know that they will not taste the way I want them to, as my taste buds have changed dramatically. I know that I will beat the shit out of myself if I consume the empty calories. I know that it will be a step backwards in my fight to control my own self. So I'm not doing it.

But I'm struggling.

That SUCKED

Okay, so no more going to the gym to do the Sun Run Training. That sucked cocks in hell!! I need wind, outdoors or TV. And there is no compromise on the wind. It was so smokin hot in there!

I will definately go back on non-run days. There are so many things there to do.

I'm still sweating.

Blah.

Great Run! (Yeah, I said it)

Seriously, though. Today's scheduled run was 5 min run, 1 min walk. I couldn't face doing it on the dreadmill, and didn't want to trudge around the track by myself. So I took myself out in the glorious sunset, and off I went! I went down 216 to 122. 122nd to whatever street Julie lives on. Down past her, and around to the street Emelios used to live on. All the way down there and past Rory's house. Turned up where Sam and I used to go when we walked down Laity and up thru to 216. Stopped my sets half way thru the thru area, and walked all the way back up home! It was GREAT!!

TV Mourning

So, I made a decision this weekend. I'm giving up Brothers & Sisters.

A moment of silence...




I just don't have time for all the tv I have taped. I had to let something go, and I'm not willing to give up Denny Crane. I love me some Boston Legal. Much as I like the show B&S, I had four episodes to watch, and I am not willing to spend that much time in front of the tv! That's what got me fat in the first place, was sitting on my ass staring at that damn boob tube.

Steve made me watch the premiere for Knight Rider, which could end up being a good show. But I won't watch any more episodes, cuz I don't want to get sucked into another show. Same with the Sarah Connor Chronicles. And others that he has started watching. Thank you for sharing with me love, but no thanks!

I have to admit, the guy in Knight Rider is HOT! As is the car... although the voice sucked. The CGI when they are driving was pathetic, and the acting was poor at best. But then so was B&S at first, too. I think this show will come into it's own. I would just rather be outside than watching it.

However, when Big Bang Theory comes back, you'll find me on the couch!

It was a good weekend!

I had such a great weekend!

Saturday I spent some lovely time chatting with Sammy in my quiet house, then had my hair done. Then I spent some great time with Alyssa when I took her to visit Ashley. I got to spend a bit of time with Tracy (although I'm wondering if I'll ever get to visit her when it can just be the two of us... lol). We came back and had KFC for dinner (YUM!), then went over to Crystals and picked out dresses, which was productive and fun.

Sunday I took a long walk (1 hour 39 minutes) down to the care clinic in the SuperStore. I had a spot on my back that I was worried about, because Steve said it had changed. Turned out not to be a mole. The doctor froze it with nitrogen. When I asked him what it is from he said "years of sun exposure and too many birthdays".

Okay, let's tangent about THIS for a minute. Lindsay almost smacked me on Sat, when I was talking about turning 40. It freaks me out, dude! She almost smacked me cuz I said "the only time 40 is considered young is when someone dies and it turns out they were in their forties. Then people shake their head and say 'they were so young' ". That's the only time forty is considered young. Which means? OLD. I'm turning 40, and I just had an age spot removed from my back. Gah!!

Okay, back to positive!

So I had a Saturday full of bad foods... okay not full. I had chicken fajitas at McD's and KFC, and some of Crystal's yummy homeade pizza. Sunday was pretty good. I had poached eggs on toast with avocado. Then Subway for lunch. A banana at the Care Clinic. Lean Cuisine Pizza Bites for a snack (not great, but not awful), and a totally core dinner of pork chili. THEN the leftover chili, I added another can of tomatoes, and a handful of barley, and let it simmer longer. This will be dinner tonight, overtop of sketti squash, and any leftovers will be my core lunches!

I have to go veggie shopping tonight on my way home, I'm thinking. Hmmm. I'll have to make a list. I have to do my meal calendar, too. Gah! I'm running out of time to do stuff!!

Oh yeah, another thing I did was spend $23 to save myself $80! I bought a stripping comb and groomed Morgana. The comb made ALL the difference in the world! She was so good! I stripped her whole body including her mustache and she sat thru the whole thing. It took about four hours on Sunday afternoon, but man, it was so worth it! She looks like that puppy again. And this will save me $80 two or three times a year! I've tried stripping her by hand before, but it was an awful experience for both of us. This was WAY easier with the comb. And she doesnt' hate me!

WI

... sucks. Ya ya ya, I know what I said yesterday about inches and body shaping and blah blah blah. I also said I was tied to the scale.

Actually, I laughed at myself this morning. Steve had to get up and go to class, so I got up to pee at 6am. Stepped on the scale and it read 162. I went back to bed.

I got up again at 8am and started my wi dance. The end result was 160.8. So I 'm up .6, but whateves, right? RIGHT?

I'm getting my hair done today and can't wait. Then I think I'll go visit Tracy and bring her the BL books. She asked me if I was done with them and I practically want to THROW them at her, I'm so excited that she's going to read them... lol.

I plan on having a good day. And now I'm thinking I'm hearing some banana custard oatmeal calling my name.

Duuuuuuuude

I'm really starting to think I'm on a real live plateau. I stepped on the scale this morning only to have it read 161.2. That's up a whole pound! And with having two extra workouts this week!

While a portion of my soul is frustrated, it's a very small portion. Mainly because I'm wearing a pair of the pants that Crystal gave me today, and I couldn't do them up when she gave them to me a month or so ago. I know my body is changing shape, which is important. I know that my body is getting IN shape, which is the goal. I should NOT be tied to the scale like that damn commercial. You know the one... where they are walking along with a scale manacled to their ankle. Yeah, that's me.

So... keep plugging away! I'm certainly not giving up. I've worked too damn hard. And hell, if I have to maintain at this weight for a few weeks, so fucking what? It's better than maintaining at 208!! I've lost close to 50 pounds. That's one hell of an achievement. I look amazing! THAT's one hell of an achievement! My husband is always smiling. That's one hell of a perk!

I'm getting good at these pep talks, huh?

Feelin Good Today

I had a great day yesterday. Or should I say, I CREATED a great day yesterday. It could have gone horribly wrong depending on my attitude.

I got released from work early, and on the drive home was contemplating what to do with my lovely three hours. I decided to go to Value Village and have a good long browse. I get there, reach for my purse and it's not there! I actually left it at the office! Drat! Now what?

Well, I wasnn't about to drive all the way back to the office and then fight traffic all the way back home (my office is a good hour from home). What to do, what to do...

I went home, cleared out the living room, and did my yoga dvd! Great fun, and it's getting easier (this was my second time doing it). Then I did my Sun Run training, but only two thirds of it cuz my body was screaming.

So I'm very happy with my decision to save my day and not be upset about forgetting my purse. I feel doubly good having done a double workout last night. I've been OP most of the week. I'm looking forward to the scale reflecting my good behaviour, as I seem to be bouncing within the same couple pounds for the last six weeks.

Tonight I'm going to do abs & weights, and tomorrow it's back to the Sun Run training.
Phew!!

BTW: I thought my mom was funny last night. She phoned me to see if I was on crack. She had read my blog about my bridesmaid dress and didn't realize that I had already decided to get it taken in. She thought I hadn't taken the fact that it's a size 16 into consideration... lol.

Updates!

Well, it seems that my body has finally calmed down after the vitamin fiasco. The headaches are still there a bit, but the rest of my body is slipping back into feeling normal.

Last night's Sun Run training was 5 minutes walking, then 9 sets of 3 minutes running and 1 minute walking, followed by 5 minutes of walking to cool down. Holy SHIT. By the seventh set, I was ready to quit. I pushed my way through, and was incredibly proud of myself! Tonights sets aren't as tough, thank goodness!

I've been cruise shopping, and I don't want to get too excited yet, but it's all looking very exotic and good! I'm thinking I'll have to save a thou or two for spending money and excursions, but I think I can do it. It isn't the cost of the cruise, it's the extras! They add up!! Plus, I need to get cruisewear for myself and Steve. There are four formal nights onboard where the men need tuxedos or suits. I can always use my bridesmaid dress and my Emcee dress, so I'm ahead by two already. But I definately see a lot of shopping in my future!

NSV WOOT!!

I went to Reitman's today to find a white dress shirt. I hate shopping when I have an agenda,because I never find what I need, and I end up hating myself.



Today I found two fantastic shirts, and one of them is a MEDIUM!!!! And then I found a blazer on the clearance rack that was an 11 and it FIT!!!!!



Live is freakin fantastic right now!!

Vitamins from HELL

I purchased the One A Day Weight Control vitamins, because they have green tea extract, and a huge amount of some of the vitamins needed.

Bad.

One should google these things FIRST. For example, did you know that these vitamins affect some people with certain side effects like a constant headache (had it for two weeks now, even get woken up with it some nights, it's so sharp), nightmares, dizziness, and nasuea? The nightmares have been driving me crazy! I haven't had a decent night sleep in two weeks!

So I didn't WI last week OFFICIALLY. However, I did jump on the scale. I had gone up to 163.4. GAH! That's the confession. I completely committed myself to losing it this week. I was downright determined to hit 150's. This is where the Boo comes in. The Boo and the YAY is that I lost 3.2 lbs this week! I'm at 160.2lbs. Another Yays is that I took my measurements. I had to do my waist three times cuz I couldn't believe the number. I've lost three inches in my waist in the last month, since January 19th. In total, I've lost 26.25 inches off my body! 3.5 of them were this last month! This makes me so glad I'm doing my measurements. With the scale not being my best friend, I needed that NSV. Also, I measured my rib cage, and I'm down to a 36. Time to go bra shopping!!

I hate Valentines Day

Why do I hope? Every year, I hope THIS year will be different, and MAYBE he'll do something new or romantic or *gasp* both.

Nope. Same flowers. Same no going out for dinner. Same no gift. New bottle of wine (can't drink it... I thought I had made myself clear how strict I'm being with my diet this week. Grrrr).

Gawd. Lucky he's cute.

Epiphany: I really AM okay!

First: AWESOME workout on the track. I missed the fresh air! It was tough. I was telling Crystal that I guess I’m getting used to doing the majority of my workouts lately on the dreadmill, so the track is harder, where it was vice versa in the beginning. We walked a couple extra laps after being done the workout, then I ran from the school to Dewdney. I feel fantastic!!

Now: Okay, I'm typing off the top of my head, so bear with me if I wander around. I'm a fast typer, but I think a bizmillion times faster.

Last week I was in a conversation about "dealing with the six year old". As in when you are faced with a situation where your past issues/feelings/situations come up and take over your body, and the person you are facing is no longer facing a rational adult, but is dealing with the abused six year old. I was saying that I really don't find myself in that situation, and this was basically the conversation:

"I think it's because I've dealt with things."
"Or you've stuffed them."
"Maybe, but I think it's more because I've dealt with them."
"OR they are well stuffed."

Maybe not the exact words, but the gyst is the same. My point being, I dropped the subject because I was so incredibly offended by the conversation, like I had been slapped in the face. I felt like I was being projected upon, and was in fact dealing with the aformentioned six year old, and that no good was going to come from arguing the point. Mainly, too, because I couldn't articulate satisfactorily WHY it was that I felt I was being projected upon.

Then I watched Biggest Loser last night. Jillian's team had counselling. Long ago I had a conversation with Steve about how most people that I talk to have hidden behind their weight or used their weight as an excuse for things (he left me cuz I'm fat, not because I'm not loveable). I've not felt that I could relate to these issues. I honestly felt that the reason I was fat was because I liked the way food tasted, and so I ate it! A lot of it! Because it tasted so good in my mouth, it didn't matter to me that I was full to bursting... I had to have a little more. You get the point.

So ANYways... last night watching BL, and every one of them had something happen in their childhood that traumatized them. Okay, so did I. Every one of them had self loathing. The counsellor was dealing with one of the men who had been abused and was vehemently telling him that his abuser was the one with the issues, and that it wasn't his fault, he was NOT a bad child.

DING DING DING DING DING!!!!!!

All of a sudden it's all clear to me! I stopped the tv and turned to Steve and said "that's it!".

You see, back when I was in my very early 20's, I had a couple of conversations with my ex SIL, Louise. I found out the why of why my mother did what she did to me. I know the reasons. And I know that it wasn't about ME. I know that it was her issues, and that yes she did bad things to me, but it wasn't my FAULT. I have been able, over the years to take that knowledge and truly deal with my childhood. This is why it doesn't jump up to bite me in the ass very often. In fact, rarely.

I am a good person, and I deserve good things, and I am loved, and I am loving, and I am loveable! I know these things. I know that my childhood was an unfortunate thing that I lived through, and was strong enough to get past and actually feel sorry for my mother. She had a rough, terrible life, and she chose the wrong ways to deal with it. Again, it's unfortunate that it was me she dealt wrongly with, but luckily I have the genetics I do (thanks Mom!) and I was able to get past it all, and understand.

So I can honestly say that no, it's not stuffed. Yes, there were blank spots in my childhood. Hell, there are blank spots in the last ten years. It's not concious. It's age... lol. Anything I remember, I can look back on and say "that's so sad", and it's like it happened to someone else. Because it's not me. It's not who I am today. And it wasn't ABOUT me. And it wasn't MY fault.

Yes, I still have issues. Abandonment issues, for sure. Death issues, you bet. But as for my childhood and the six year old? Man, that's so 30 years ago!

Workout Mania

I am determined to lose the weight I put on last week. Monday I killed myself on the dreadmill, after Denise Austin kicking my ass on Sunday. Tuesday I didn't excercise, but stayed completely OP including water. Today I've done 15 minutes of weights, and after supper I'll do my dreadmill Sun Running. Not sure if I'll do anything tomorrow, being Valentines.

Speaking of which! My DH is such a doll. A dolt, too, but a doll none the less. He asked me (at LEAST he asked me first!) if he can get us desserts for Valentines dinner. He wanted to get Baskin Robbins Black Forest Sundaes. I told him that while I thought he was incredibly sweet, not only does it not appeal to me at ALL, but I am really working hard not to sabotage myself this week, so while I appreciate the gesture, if he really wants one, Logan can be his Valentine for this confecture.

Yay, me! NSV!!

Procrastination... it's an art.

So I'm totally dreading getting back on the dreadmill. I am a week behind my girls at Sun Run training, and HAVE to jump back in!

Sigh.

I'm suprisingly less sore than I was yesterday from Denise Austin kicking my ass.

Oh! I wore a skirt today! I don't remember the last time I wore a tailored skirt. It's been years and years. Lindsay says to me "you should be wearing them, look at them legs!", to which I replied, looking down at them "well, I just found them, you know". When I gave Steve shit for not doing laundry and forcing me to wear the skirt cuz I had no pants, he threatened to throw all my pants away!

I love my people!

Now I'm going to the dreadmill. I said I'm GOING. Get off my CASE!

Gawd.

It's not a tumour!

I just read a website that totally relieved me!!

I have been getting headaches, and my dreams have been out of control, and it's all because of the vitamin I am taking! I just purchased the One A Day Weight Control to give it a try. I started using them on Monday. The slight nagging headache started on Monday. The last week had been chock full of vivid dreams, and not great ones, either. Turns out these are side effects of the vitamins! Weird!

Good news: It's not a tumour. (said in best Arnie impression)

Confession Time

So, after my big proclomation from the mountaintops last week, I totally flubbed this WI. In fact, I didn't even do it. After being incapacitated from a bum toe, and only doing measly weight training and ab workouts to make myself feel that at least I'm doing SOMETHING, I knew my WI was gonna be bad. Then I found out I was going out for both lunch AND dinner on Friday... so I thought fuck it.

Yesterday (Sat) I took a food vacation day (although I told Steve to suprise me with chip flavour when he went to the store and he got me Old Dutch baked chips. They aren't great, but they reduce the crunch monster nicely for WAY less calories and fat).

Today I am OP. Had a banana, then did the Denise Austin dvd (see previous post and take note of the "ow"s). Then I made a frittata with zucchini, broccoli, portabello, egg whites & ff cheese. I had a big glass of water with it, then finished off with a steamed milk with banana extract in it, frothed with that dandy little frother Sammy found me at Ikea (Woot!!).

Next I filled the crock pot with dinner for tonight. I put in three chicken breasts, a can of low sodium blue menu diced tomatoes, low sodium blue menu corn, a chopped onion, a chopped zucchini, some oregano and some garlic. I will serve it over spaghetti squash... or whole wheat pasta. Not sure yet.

THEN (god, i'm a good girl, huh?) I prepped my lunches for the next week. I baked three chicken breasts, chopped my veggies for my oily salad, and put them in their proper containers (now I can just add my oil and soy cheese and go). I prepared four desserts for my lunches by putting a package of ff/sf white chocolate pudding in two cups of ff plain yoghurt. Portioned it out into the containers. THEN I did the same with my cottage cheese for the week.

DAMN! I'm so organized, and it's not even NOON yet!!

I'm gonna spend the rest of the day lounging. I plan on having a looong bath, reading my prevention magazine, goofing online, and just generally taking it easy.

Peace.

ps: Doug got a job! He's a part time sales clerk at Warehouse One. It's a foot in the door, and he's over the MOON!

Ow Ow Ow Ow, Yay Me, Ow Ow Ow!

I bought this dvd a while back (Denise Austin Yoga Fat Burn), but hadn't tried it yet. Today I thought "let's giver a go".

Holy shit.

It was not that it was hard, although I sweated a bit, lemme tell ya. I should have WATCHED it first so I knew what was coming next. She completely lost me in one part when things started moving faster.

What a workout!! There are for sections, and you can do them all, or you can choose which ones you want to do (I liked that option). The four are "fat burn", "leg sculpt", "ab sculpt", "yoga relax". When you do all four, its 50 minutes.

Today I did them all. That was two hours ago. Now my hips and abs? Oh yeah, baby, I can feel em!! When I was done I thought "not so bad". I can tell now that I'm gonna hurt tomorrow... lol. I am also glad that I did this for the first time now, when I'm in pretty good shape. There is no way in HELL that I coulda done what I did today, 50 lbs ago. I am way more flexible and strong now. And I still couldn't do all the poses like she could.

I will definately do this again! Then again, I'll wait to see what tomorrow brings before I say that... LOL.

Woot! and BOO!!

Woot!

I talked to Lorne last night for an hour or so. Nothing has really changed for him. He's very happy, single, and feeling useful. He's well known and loved in his community. I'm really happy that I connected with him.

Boo!

I am NOT going to have a good WI tomorrow. : ( I'm going out for lunch with my team today, to the Keg for dinner tonight, and I've had ONE workout this week, outside of some weight lifting and ab stuff. I popped on the scale this morning to find I'm UP 1.2 lbs.

Ah well, I'm still totally on track for my goal date, which is August first. It's all good.

My groin muscle is a bit tender today. I spent 35 minutes on the treadmill last night, with two stints of running at 4.5 for four minutes, and a ten minute stint of walking up a steep hill. The rest was ten minutes of warm up and cool down, and then fast walking at 3.5 mph. At least I feel like I did something!

Pea Soup and Other Thoughts

So I saw a recipe for pea soup. And it's core! So I made it in the crockpot overnight. Then I thought "that's too thin... needs more peas". So I dumped in another bag and let it cook while at work. I came home last night to a pile of pea soup. Okay, it was still in the pot, but I swear, I coulda turned it upside down and built a castle with it. Holy thick soup, batman!! Added water, and now I have a ton of pea soup. AND, I don't like the spice in it. It called for thyme. Apparently, I'm not fond of thyme. Who knew? I think I'll "gift" some of this to Sam. Hee hee hee.

My toe seems to have healed. Just a twinge now. Weird. I'm going to do my running on the treadmill tonite and see how it goes.

I'm all alone in the office this week. On the one hand, it's nice. On the other, I'm totally swamped.

Okay, now I'm struggling to find things to say.

I'm out!

Happy Monday!

After Superbowl yesterday, and chinese buffet on Saturday, I was afraid to step on the scale this morning! My WI is on Saturday, so I'll just stay completely OP until then and cross my fingers!

We went skating yesterday, to offset some of the chilidog damage, and I think I really hurt my foot. It feels like a bone might be broken or sprained on the top of my foot leading into my middle toe. Hurts like heck! I'm going to the clinic in Brentwood Mall at lunch to have them look at it. As I'm in Sun Run training, I want to take good care of my feet.

I couldn't do the treadmill this morning because it hurt so bad. Hmmmm. Wish me luck at the doctors.

WI

I'm up .2 which I'm sort of okay with. In the respect that I expected it. You cannot make stupid muffin and doughnut decisions for TWO days, just before WI day and not expect it to show on the scale. Plus with my groin muscle pulled, I skipped my morning runs, so my excercise was cut in half this week.

Damage control is what I did.

Not this week! Next week I'm going to be in the 150's dammit!! That's my goal!

Looking forward to today!

Well, it's 6am and here I sit in front of the computer with the coffee burbling away. Jeeeez! My internal clock is rather rigid! My eyes popped open at 5:41. LOL

So after consulting with everyone, I have done the deed with Logan. Kristy had a faboo idea about earning his way off grounding. So he is grounded to his room, with no tv, video games, phone, computer, or social life. He is allowed out to go to the bathroom, grab his meals, do the dishes. The only other reason he is allowed out is to do household chores. When he does one, he writes it on a list on the fridge. I decided based on that list, when and what he has earned back. But I'm not telling him what chores to do, that's up to him. It's HIS responsibility to earn his freedom back.

Stay tuned... he could be in there for a while.

TGIF!

I'ts Friiiiiiiday! Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy dance!!

I went to Safeway last night to get some top up groceries for today. I bit the bullet and bought some unsweetened apple sauce. In the past, this stuff has been a major yuck for me. So, I tried it. It's AWESOME!! Now that I'm on core, my sweet buds have pretty much disappeared, so this stuff tastes like a super sweet yummy treat to me! Happy happy happy happy!

I was getting tired of my blueberries so I bought a mixed field berries blend of frozen fruit. Happy happy happy happy!

I did my workout last night on the dreadmill and felt GREAT afterwards. A little twinge from my groin muscle, so I didn't get up this morning and run, but that's okay. I've made plans to meet Crystal at the track at 7:45. I'm hoping Sammy will join us, too. She'll prolly need to sniff and see if there's any snow out there before committing. Either way, I'm working it tonight. Happy happy happy happy!

Logan is about to get the grounding of his LIFE. After we had a big blow out over him being late on Thurs last week, and I grounded the shit out of him, I let him off early cuz it snowed. Then the next time he went out, he was supposed to be home for supper at six. He phones at 20 to seven to say that he wants to eat dinner later. NO, you are supposedto be HOME at six. "I called at six" he says. Didn't leave a message and SOMEHOW thought that I would be okay with all this despite my NEVER being okay with it EVERY time he pulls this. So last night, he asks if he can go out. Yes, I tell him. Be home by 9:30. So what does he do? He phones at 9:28 to tell me that he won't be home till 10 cuz he has a ride. I'm screaming into the phone "you're fucking KIDDING me. You are NOT phoning me when you are supposed to be home to TELL me that you are coming home late" then I slammed the phone down cuz I was about to get severely abusive. Then the fucker doesn't even come home until 10!!! I'm taking his tv away, his phone, his computer, and he's going to be grounded to his room for an entire week with NOTHING. I phoned Doug for his advice, and he tells me I'm being to nice and that Logan is walking all over me. No more. Sad sad sad mad sad. i am, however letting him off on Sunday because of a preplanned family event.

I'm OP today, and doing the happy food dance, and super stoked for lunch tomorrow, and the fest on Sunday! Can't wait to go skating again! Happy happy happy happy!