Today's Fuel

Br: WW bagel w/ egg, 1/4 avocado, ff cheese
Lu: crock pot veggie soup
Sn: 1/4 cup Pumpkin Flax Granola w/ 1/2 cup yoghurt & banana
Dn: Pork chop, rice, swiss chard

Calories in: 1312
Calories out: 2055
Difference of: 743

Water: 2 litres or more

Vitamin: check!

Not moving today. Don't wanna. See below post. :(

Strep or Cold?

Hard to say. My glands are swollen, and my throat is raw, but my nose is stuffy.

Basically I feel like shit and want to crawl back into bed. Luckily I work from home, so if it gets too bad, I can do that.

I'll work the day, nap the afternoon and if it's not better by supper I'll go to the clinic and get it checked. Have to be better for the weekend (another busy one), so no taking chances and leaving it too long.

Last night was hell, nose being stuffed makes me sleep with my mouth open which dried my poor throat right out. Can't even imagine how bad the snoring was!

I'm BACK, Baby!!!

I struggled, and I won!!! I'm down to 145.6 this week. That's down 2.2 this week. DESPITE Lindsay the sabetour who fed me a bottle of wine last night... lol.

And the best news is that even smashed I choose healthier options! On the way to the Alice Cooper concert last night, we apparently stopped at McDonalds and I had two chicken fajitas. That's only 400 calories, and definately the best choice there.

I slept in the car (okay, let's face reality, I passed OUT in the car) on the way there and sobered up in time for the concert, which totally ROCKED.

It wasn't until we were on our way home that I realized I didn't eat dinner. That's when Steve told me I did (so smashed didn't remember). He tells me what I had, and I thanked him for choosing healthy for me. He then tells me it's what I asked for. Sweet!!! That means that healthier choices are REALLY what I want!!! Ingrained, baby!! Love it!

Need to Grocery Shop!

Seriously!!

I'm not sure what my menu will be today, because I have to scrounge around in my kitchen... lol. When I get my child support, look out! That veggie store won't know what hit it!

I'm a little nervous for WI tomorrow. My realistic goal is to be under 150 lbs, but reality is I wanted to be closer to 145 again. Not sure where it will be, but somewhere in between I'm sure.

I'm going for a haircut today (yay!) and am looking forward to getting all prettified tomorrow. It's funny, in this body, how much I want to dress up! It turns out I actually LIKE pretty! And I feel so good when I'm dolled up. And I know that my man loves it.

Speaking of which, we were just falling asleep the other night, when all of a sudden he hugs me real close and whispers "I'm so glad you got hot again". LOL Makes me feel sorry for all those years of NOT being hot. He never complained, though. He loved me no matter what. So this is kinda the reward for him, in my mind. Luckily it feels like a reward for me, too.

I will make healthy choices today... they just may be ecclectic, since I don't have a lot of fresh stuff in the fridge. And I'm going to do a treadmill run, walk the dogs, and wiggle in my seat at the Alice Cooper concert tonight. I'm mindful of WI tomorrow, so no treats!

I am totally looking forward to a good meal tomorrow at the wedding, followed by dancing it all off, though!

Sigh... I forgot!

I forgot that now coffee is a stimulant for me. Layed awake forever, then I realized WHY there was no sleep happening. Had to be those three cups of coffee between 7 and 10.

Dammit.

So I don't even know how much sleep I got last night. Feels like none. I deliberately did not look at a clock every time I got up to pee. Didn't want to know.

There just might be a nap in my future. Distinct possibility.

No more popcorn for a while...

I'm having a hard time squeezing in those extra calories. Not from the popcorn, per se... but from the oil.

I'm now seeing why I didn't do so well on Core at this size. When I was bigger and needed more calories it totally would have worked for me like a dream. However, to maintain my size now, or even lose, it takes really restricting calories. And even eating clean, the calories add up.

I've always struggled with the popcorn dilemma. I love having that nightly munch. On core I justified it that I was getting my healthy oils and it was all Core. But with the calories, I'm seeing just how many I was consuming, and it is all making sense now. Popcorn will have to be a once a week indulgence rather than an every day indulgence, that's all.

I'm eating well, and staying under 2000 calories, but man, it's a struggle. My goal this week is to stay under 150 for the wedding. I'm confident I can do it.

I saw pics from the stagette I was at on Saturday. I can't stop staring at my stomach. I just want it in a liiiittle more. It still has a curve out that I'm not really happy with. If only I could spot reduce. The rest of me shouldn't be getting any skinnier or I'll look like an Etheopian... lol.

Okay, off to work I go. I hope everyone has a fantastic day.

Here's my fuel for today:

Br: 1/2 cup oaty yoghurt, 1/2 cup blueberries, 1/2 ounce ground flax & glass of milk
Lu: 1/2 cup couscous, 3oz leftover mushroom stuffed tenderloin, 1/2 cup each steamed carrots & celery
Sn: 1/2 cup cottage cheese, Frank's Hot Sauce
Sn: 1/2 can tuna smooshed with 1/4 avocado
Dn: 4 oz ham, 2 baby potatoes, 2 cups swiss chard
Sn: glass of milk

Calories in: 1327 (if I were to add my popcorn it would be 1826)
Calories out: 2130 (includes 40 minutes walking the dogs)
Water: minimum 2 litres
Vitamin: check!

Today's Fuel

Br: Bagel w/ egg, ff cheese & 1/4 avocado
Lu: 1/2 can tuna smashed with 1/4 avocado, wrapped in a lettuce leaf
Sn: 1/2 cup ff cottage cheese w/ plums and ground flax
Dn: 4 oz steak, 3 baby potatoes & 1 cup steamed carrots
Sn: 9 cups popcorn, 1 tbsp butter, 1 tbsp olive oil, 1 cup milk

Total Calories = 1885
Total Calories Burned Today = 2396

Holy Shitters!!

So I've been counting calories this week, in and out. Decided to educate myself, as I've said. I know that eating 500 calories less than I burn will take off one pound a week. I also know that new fat comes off hella quick compared to old fat.

So last week's WI I was at 152.4.

This week? 147.87

That's down 4.6lbs!! AND there were indulgences (but I don't wanna talk about the damn granola... lol). I ate out... three times? this week. But I tracked everything and balanced it out. I had one day where my calories in were over my calories out (refer back to I don't wanna talk about the damn granola), but otherwise I balanced and budgeted my calories SUCCESSFULLY!!!

I'm so proud of me!

Update

I'm doing amazingly well, lately! Now that I'm on Fitday, and learning all about caloric intake and output, and tracking it all, I'm down to 148, so I've attained my 60 lbs gone again.

WOOTness!!

Mom being here is not so bad, actually. And she says she's enjoyed my healthy cooking (except how dry that damn stuffed porkloin was, but she forgave me because I had no instructions and winged it... lol).

Overall, I've been pretty damn good about my health while she's here, and she's not bringing in awful foods to tempt me. Although I worry that she's starving because we used to constantly graze together and she doesn't have that anymore. I worry that she's not eating, for my sake. But then, she's a big girl and she'll do what works for her, right? Right.

Today's goal: I will eat NO deliciously yummy Costco granola today. NONE. Yesterday I ate 800 calories worth, dammit. That's IT. I knew it would be bad, but I didn't know THAT bad. Yikes!

Today I did my run on the dreadmill, and a half hour walking backwards & sideways workout on there, with my butt crunches (damn flat ass, need to build it up).

I'm trying to figure out what I'm having for lunch today still, but here's the rest of my day:

Br: 1/2 cup Oaty Yoghurt over a banana
Apres Workout Br: 2 lettuce leaf smoked turkey/avocado/ff cheese sandwiches (about 1 cup of food)
Lu: Not sure
Sn: yellow pepper & tomato salad
Dn: bison burger
Sn: popcorn

Stepped on the scale this morning....

NOT happy. Back to cutting out the extras and watching satiaty levels. I know that is where the issues are. Eating past comfortable or satisfied. Measuring portions is my goal for the remainder of the week.

With mom coming out next week, I have to tell you, I'm a little worried. It's hard for me to say no thanks to the kinds of foods she eats. But I can't ask her to stick to my schedule, now can I? It'll be a test of my willpower, that's for sure.

Sigh.

374 Hours of Training = 5 Pounds Lost

Click here for a fascinating article.

Long Weekend Report

So how did YOU do?

Me? Not so good. Excercise wasn't tooo bad. Did walk all day on Saturday at the PNE. But then counteracted that with Kettle Corn and Mini Donuts, washed down with perogies, cabbage roll and sausage smothered in sour cream. The only plus is that I didn't get an elephant ear or fudge, both of which I wanted desperately.

Sunday was full of chips. I did go swimming for about 20 minutes, but other than that it was me, a couch and a lazy day.

Monday was lunch at the buffet in Bellingham, followed by three hours of walking around a mall. Except that I did do an intense one hour workout in the morning.

I havent' tried on my belt today, but I'm sure it's on the first hole... lol. Yoga pants for me for the next couple of days while I remain hardcore.

I decided to not buy bagels or wraps this week... or maybe I won't until the wedding. They seem to be my every day weakness. What I'll do is buy a loaf of white bread for Logan's lunches. I won't eat that crap so it's not a trigger for me.

I've discovered a new favourite breakfast. I nuke a 1/2 cup of brocslaw for three minutes with a tblsp of water, then throw it in a frying pan with scrambled eggs. Cook it all together and eat! So good! And I know the boy is getting good nutrition before school. I think it's going to become a staple breakfast in this house. For an asian flair, put soy sauce on it. For an american breakfast flair, ketchup. For a kick, hot sauce. You get it...

Well, back to work... sigh. Steve is home sick and I can hear the poor bastard coughing his brains out. He gets a long weekend and then ends up suffering through most of it. Mind you I only half feel sorry for him, because it would be so much better if he quit smoking. Whaddayado.

Today's Fuel

Br: spinach pie & a banana
Lu: salmon, couscous, mushrooms, chopped brocslaw, sesame oil (pt), canola oil, lemon seasoning, soya sauce, all nuked in the microwave together.
Sn: oatmeal custard pudding
Sn: cottage cheese & peach & ground flax
Dn: core meatloaf muffins, rice, swiss chard

Happy Thursday!

I just had the BEST breakfast! I cooked steelcut oats in milk with some honey and vanilla, then when it was done I threw in a mashed banana and some peach chunks. Yum yum!

Well, the last two days have seen me on the treadmill. I'm getting back into running on it. It makes a nice break in the middle of my day.

I have stepped on the scale twice since I threw it up in the closet. The first time was a couple weeks ago and I was at 150.2, so I knew I had to get back in control. I knew I had gone a little overboard with the extras in my diet. Having both a bagel in the morning and a wrap at noon, adds up quickly. Plus I was eating till full rather than satisfied. I avoided the scale for a week when I knew I should just peek to check where I'm at. Needless to say, seeing the 150's again... not cool.

So I stepped on it again a couple of days ago, and it was at 149.6. Okay! I'm maintaining! Good show!

I was getting bored with my excercise, thus the back being on the treadmill. I seem to do things in phases. I'm good with back being in a running phase. Not sure that I'll even move it out doors. Mind you, never say never, right? All I can say is that today I'm happy on my treadmill. I'm not in training for anything so I can stay happy on my treadmill.

Oh and I found a fabulous 5k trail I want to run. Gold Creek, up to the lower falls. Steve and I went for a walk up there and it took us and hour twenty to walk it. Would make for a lovely run one day.

Today is a new day and I have a new saying! NOT an option. It's all over the WW boards right now. When faced with a choice, make something not an option. Muffins? Not an option. Chocolate? Not an option. Feel like skipping your workout? Not an option. I like it!!

So that's it for today. I'm in a good place. I'm happy about my weight. I'm happy about my current level of excercise. It's all good!

Today's food

Br: scrambled eggs & buffalo burger patty
Lu: leftover pork bites with swiss chard
Sn: cottage cheese, grapes, ground flax
Dn: satay, potatoes, cabbage
Sn: popcorn & milk

I was on the treadmill and watching the food network and got the idea for the satay.

Mix together:

ff plain yoghurt
olive oil
minced garlic
peanut butter (pts)
curry powder
onion powder
celery salt
cilantro

I chopped up a turkey thigh in chunks and poured the satay sauce over the chunks in a ziploc baggie and marinated them in the fridge all day. Then skewered and baked.

It was okay. Not fabulous. Don't think I'd do it again.

Monday... again?

Gah, it comes around quickly, doesn't it?

My "new venture" is definately picking up business. Fantastic! I'm feeling like it's going to be a good week!

My fuel today has been:

Br: Egg Bagelwich
Lu: yoghurt, oatmeal, bulgur and a banana
Sn: salmon fillet
Sn: cottage cheese w/ ground flax
Dn: pork bites & southern bacon swiss chard
Sn: popcorn if I need it

Thursday, Already??

TOM is almost gone and I can see my ribs again. Phew! It's weird how much it affects me now that I'm not carrying all that extra weight to mask it.

Today's Fuel:

Br: blueberry meusli
Lu: hamburger wrap (3)
Sn: cottage cheese w/ peach & ground flax
Sn: plum
Dn: leftover stirfry?
Sn: popcorn & milk

I bought a 2 litre of milk in a plastic jug, and I've been using it for my water. What I'm finding is that I'm refilling it and drinking most of it again, so I've almost doubled my water intake! Before I had a one litre bottle that I refilled twice. Very pleased with that.

Last night Logan came for a walk with me. Teenagers! He bitched and whined that he didn't want to, then half way through he admitted he was glad he did. It was nice to spend an hour with just him and I and the dogs. The only downer bit was that I had to break something to him. You know when you see those people on American Idol and you think "who didn't love them enough to tell them they can't sing and allowed them to get up on stage in front of North America and make fools out of themselves?" Well, that's the example I used to Logan last night. Dude has NO pitch. NO tone. But he thinks he's great because he sings with passion (which I praised) and gusto (which I praised). I gently suggested he might want to look into having a convo with his cousin for some pointers. As much as he was disappointed, he was really mature about it and thanked me for putting it to him the way I did. He knew it came from a place of love, vs mocking.

Tuesday Ramblings

This is an interesting phase I'm in today. Still excercising... but not quite as much. Still eating healthy... but with a few more bread products. The thing I'm struggling most with is portion control. Which tells me that I will struggle with it for life. Because food tastes good. Healthy food tastes fantastic. I'm thinking my life long mantra will be "One bite tastes like the next".

Overall, I'm pretty happy... but I know I've gained a few pounds. And I'm afraid to step on the scale and see how MANY. It could be as much as ten. But I doubt it. Plus I'm in full blown TOM, and have spent the last week bloated.

It's funny... I never felt my symptoms of PMS like I do now. I definately bloat. I definately retain water. I definately put on some pounds. When I was fat it did not affect me. I guess it's like Michelle feels with kids "when ya have so many, you don't notice a couple more".

Once my period is done, I'm going to step on the scale, just to see. And it's not going to be on a Saturday. I don't know why. I just really feel like I needed to say goodbye to the psychology of my Saturday WI.

On a side note, my quads are killing me. I worked out for about two hours on Sunday. It felt good. I went for an hour really brisk walk down to the bank and back yesterday, then did about 20 minutes of stepping while watching X-Weighted. Which reminds me. Another trick I need to do is surround myself with the education, literature, and conversations around health and fitness, otherwise it's too easy for me to ignore it and fall back into my old habits. Time to break out the old WW magazines (bastards haven't sent me the last two... ask me how I feel about their service) and reread what works. I signed up for Women's Fitness magazine. They offered twelve issues for twelve dollars. I couldn't resist. And I need the incentive.

That's what I realize today. I need the incentive for the rest of my life. I can't just say "I'm done" and close the door. I still need to talk about it. I still need to read about it. I still need to be active with people. Unfortunatley, I'm also in a bit of a funk in other areas, and feeling a little alone (totally my issue) and dealing with how to deal with that for the rest of my life, too.

It's another year of change. One I'll be looking back on and admiring how I got through it healthy and intact. In the meantime, it's a work in progress. But for some reason today it feels like a very lonely work in progress.

Let's Hear it for Blueberry Season!!!

Last night I threw in a container 1/3 cup steelcut oats, a couple tablespoons of bulgur, two big scoops of ff plain yoghurt, maybe 1 tsp of honey, about 1/3 cup milk and some bloops of vanilla extract. This morning I scooped some of it over a cup of fresh blueberries and YUM!!!

What a great way to get dairy, freggie AND grain in all at once. Fantastic way for me to start my day.

Today's Fuel:

Br: blueberry meusli
Lu: wrap w/ leftover bacon veggies & kidney beans
Sn: carrots
Sn: plum
Dn: steak, baby potatoes, swiss chard
Sn: popcorn & milk

AP: 30 minutes of hard step aerobics & dog walk, maybe some yoga (back is hurting, need to stretch it out)

Water: at least 2 litres

GAME ON!!

Today's Fuel

BR: WW bread (1pt) toasted with nectarine's and ff cheese on top.
Sn: cottage cheese w/ ground flax (1) & carrots
Lu: wrap (3), w/ tuna, avocado & kidney beans
Sn: nectarine & carrots (need to hit the grocery store)
Dn: chicken breast & swiss chard.
Sn: popcorn w/ franks oil

Thursday Ramblings

I'm so stoked for the weekend! Steve and I are going to the fireworks on Saturday. Not sure if we are doing English Bay or what. Then Sunday having Cindy and Erica come into town and hopefully a river running through it. The weather forecast is looking promising. Cross our fingers that Sammy can join us, even for an hour, in the river so she can see where we go. She hasn't been there yet. Yep, Erica, you were the first of my girls to experience the Maple Ridge River Running Through It.

I'm kinda concerned about my activity level. My work has not facilitated working out to the degree I was, so I'm down to my nightly walks with the dogs and maybe 1/2 hour a day dancing/stepping. So what I've done is increased the intensity of it when I do it. And considering how crappy I've been eating (little bits here and there) I better smarten the fuck up. Freedom from the scale seems to have gone to my head, and I don't want it going to my tummy!! But then it's not even been a week, so I should just relax and find my groove. Right? RIGHT??

Today's fuel:

Br: fried egg sammich on WW bread (1pt) w/ tomato & ff cheese
Lu: leftover Core Alfredo Casserole & a glass of milk
Sn: cottage cheese, blueberries, strawberries & ground flax seed
Sn: carrots?
Dn: pork loin chops, rice, swiss chard
Sn: popcorn & milk

Kryptonite!

So apparently, pizza is also kryptonite to me. Yeesh!

Yesterday we helped Andrew & Michelle move, and then had pizza. I totally over indulged. Then I get home around 8pm and about 20 minutes later I hear Steve yell "dinner's here". Guess what he ordered... pizza! And could I say no? Nope. Got in there and had another slice and a half. Cuz it was a different flavour... my favourite.

Then I'm sitting here this morning OBSESSING over the damn leftovers. I've now eaten two pieces and am NOT happy.

As of RIGHT NOW control is mine. RIGHT now, I'm back in control, dammit.

Tuesday's Rambling

Good Morning, All!

Well, it's a fine rainy day, isn't it? My flowers and lawn are very happy at least.

My abs STILL hurt from the gym on Sunday. I copied what a skinny girl was doing, and I see now why it works. Yikes!

Yesterday I danced for a couple of hours then went for an hour walk in the evening with Sam and the dogs. Was completely OP in eating. Today my workout will be helping Andrew and Michelle unload and unpack.

Today's fuel: Br: Oatmeal w/ apple sauce & sf maple syrop
Lu: pork burger, couscous, carrots
Sn: apple
Dn: fake crab & pasta

Went a little nuts....

... this weekend.

I gave in to my once a year craving for a Peanut Buster Parfait on Saturday. Mind you that was after going to the Carribean Festival and only snitching 2 mini donuts from Steve rather than having my own dozen, and not having the usual curried goat with rice and trimmings OR the gelato I had promised myself.

Sunday I had a baby shower to go to, so I went to the gym in the morning. At the shower I had a very small piece of cake, a sliver of a brownie, one 2-bite caramel coffee cake, 1/4 of a 2-bite butter tart, a ton of veggies and fruit, and two pieces of bread with spinach dip on them. Yep, I actually got a knife and cut slivers off things rather than eat the whole piece. Then I came home and got a chef salad with garlic cheese bread from Bobby Sox and shared it with Steve.

Overall not horrible choices. Could have been sooo much worse.

Took Oscar and Morgana for a walk around the block and that was it for the day. Layed on the couch watching TV the rest of the night.

Today is completely OP again:

Br: oatmeal
Lu: soup & grilled cheese (1pt)
Sn: yoghurt & fruit w/ flax
Dn: pork burger w/ gravy & steamed cauliflower
Sn: popcorn

Down and GONE

I was down another 1.6 this morning and the scale is officially put away.

Today I am 145.2lbs.

Friday Menu

Br: custard oatmeal made with milk
Lu: cottage cheese with brocslaw mixed into it, ground flax & my Frank's popcorn oil (yum!)
Sn: apple
Dn: Couscous with ham, avocado, tomato, Frank's & oil & a glass of milk
Sn: carrots

AP: 30 minutes hardcore step aerobics, 30 min dog walk, 40 minute walk uptown and back for coffee tonight

Grains: 2
Freggies: 4
Protein: 3
Oil: yep
Dairy: 2

I'm good! Got it all covered!

Rough Night

Man, I slept rough last night. Tossed and turned and obsessed.

But posting on WW I realized why I'm struggling so badly with this.

To give up the scale is a leap of faith. Faith in myself. Do I have what it takes to do this? Can I control my weight without the scale controlling it for me? Do I have the faith in myself to give up the scale?

Faith. Not something I have a lot of these days in other areas. Haven't had to apply it to myself like this before. It's a new concept. Not one I'm entirely comfortable with. Blind belief. It's the blind part I'm having problems with I think.

I know I have the tools. I know that I know what to do. I know what I need to move and how I need to eat and I know how many workouts I need to do. I can still track my AP, my nutrition and my measurements. All I would be giving up is one appliance. One tool out of the toolbox. Just one.

But it's the most important one of my journey so far. The one that has kept me going and kept me motivated and made me mad enough to kick my own ass into gear and rewarded me when I worked hard.

... omg. It's my mother. Seriously. It's the mother I didn't have growing up. What kind of Freudian sick bitch am I???????????????????????????? Why am I obsessed with the way the scale makes me feel??? Why do I work so hard to please it and stress at the thought of giving it up? Because it tells me when I'm having good behaviour and it gently scolds me when I'm not. It doesn't beat hell out of me, it just points out the error of my ways and sits back quietly without judging. And when I have good behaviour it quietly gives me my kudos and sits back and lets me celebrate. And the thought of giving up one of the healthy responses in my life scares me back to being a little kid. Except that it's not the scale reacting unhealthy, it's me obsessing over it's feedback.

Okay, I'm seriously fucked up. This took a bizarre turn, didn't it?? Because my childhood was so traumatizing and abusive I turn to anyone and anything, including inanimate objects for unconditional, non-judgmental feedback???

I mean, it's weird the panic I feel at the thought of giving up the number on the scale, but seriously??? Why did my fingers type this? Where did it come from? Is my subconcious thinking up excuses to NOT give it up? Or is this real in my mind? It just sounds so bizarre... and CRAZY.

Whoa. I need to think further on this.

I don't think I'll be posting this on the WW site. They really WILL think I need therapy. They don't know me and my ways of working things out. I just need to yatter it out, sort it, deal with it, and fold it neatly back away in a safe place.

Bear with my insanity, folks... I promise it won't last. I'm just figuring my way through, and you happen to be the recipients of my inner chatter.

A Crossroad...

I just got off the phone with Magda, then I read Nadine's reply to my Thursday Stress blog and see that my two healthy sheros are both telling me the same thing! I promised Mag I'd think on what she said, so I'm thinking here as I'm typing. Keep in mind, I'm mirroring what Magda said to me, just putting it into my own thoughts and words.

Stepping on the scale each week in the WW fashion is what I needed to do in the beginning of my journey to get into the mindset of being concious of where I am, what I'm eating, how I'm working my body and doing what I needed to do to lose the weight and stop being fat.Magda asked me if I feel good in my clothes. Yes, I do. I feel that I look good, and that I rock the clothes these days. She said "then what else matters?". I should put the scale away and step on it maybe once a month. She feels that I am at a crossroads and am entering the phase of my journey where obsessing over the scale will be detrimental, considering we're talking about half a pound or so a week. As Nadine said, Magda also pointed out that if I continue eating healthy, working out, and living my life, my clothes will tell me if I need to step it up, or cut it back. I don't need the scale anymore. I have the tools and the focus, and as I work out and continue eating properly, my body will tighten. If I want to obsess over numbers, obsess over the inches, not the weight.

When I told her that the thought of giving Sam my scale and asking her to keep it for me scares the shit out of me, she said that concerns her and tells her that I have an issue. The good news is that I have the personality that I recognize when things could possibly spiral out of control for me. Thus all these deep thoughts and posts. I do see my obsession with the scale becoming unhealthy. I could go in a bad direction with it and I recognize that.

But am I ready to give it up? I've spent a year and a half tied to the damn thing. Am I happy with my body? 90%. Am I happy with where I am? 90%. I love how I look in most clothes. I don't love how I look naked. However, I mostly like it. That's good. My BMI is still overweight, but Mag says "who cares". She says if you feel good, you feel healthy, you eat healthy regularily, you work out regularily, and your clothes fit you and make you look awesome, WHO CARES what the scale says. On the outside I'm all puffed up "ya, who cares!", but there's a little tiny voice inside squeaking 'um... I care!". Gah!

A crossroad to be sure... which way will I go? I need to ponder. I will think on it. I will WI on Saturday... and then I will consider putting my scale away.I said I'd think about it, and I will.

That's where I'm at tonight. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Thursday Stress

I don't know why it is, but Thursday causes me major anxiety. I step on that damn scale every morning and it's always up (today was down to 148.6) and then on Thursday I do a harsh workout, Friday I don't step on the scale, and do very light workout, maybe just walking, all in prep for that Saturday moment of WI. It's crazy. For the next two days I won't eat any of my WP, or my AP. I eat so hardcore... but concious of getting enough calories in so my body doesn't hang on to the weight in starvation mode. I eat foods that will clear my bowels, in order to get as much weight off and out as possible.

You know... I'm really looking forward to maintenance when I won't have this stress. And it's only less than 20 pounds away. Thank god!!! Not exactly sure what that magical number will be... I'm having a difficult time NOT seeing fat everywhere on my body.

On that note... Steve actually got pissed at me the other day for pointing out fatty bits. I think he's worried that I'll become anorexic, or get unhealthy or something. And I can see how it happens. Erica took a pic of my leg to show me the muscle definition (btw, Erica, can you send that to me?). She showed me, and I was so blown away by the cellulite and fat that I couldn't look for the definition she was talking about. Is that unhealthy? I look in the mirror and admire the hell out of my waist, but cringe at the pouch (the one Sam calls the Kangaroo Pooch). Will that pouch ever go away?

I've become obsessed with staring at women's bodies, trying to define what IS normal in today's society, and for women my age. Although, for women my age, size 14 is average, and I don't want to be average. And most of the women my age I see on the streets have poor posture, extra pounds, or just look damn old. So I look to the younger ladies, but is that setting myself up for an unhealthy body image?

When is it going to be "good"? Really, I should be excstatic about the body I have today... but I'm still a size 10/12, and HAVE to get into the single digits. I'm also still at an "overweight" BMI, so I know that I still have to lose. Yet, as I was posting all those before pics on FB last night, I was so proud of where I am today... why isn't that enough? Why do I still obsess each week? Why do my emotions ride on that horrid little number?

And the most unfair of it all is that as I get closer to healthy, the weight will be harder to shed, and the stress level will rise. So unfair.

Speaking of the pics I posted on FB last night... Man, I love my husband. He came in as I was editing the posts on them and I'm so upset looking at them. I said to him, how come you let me out of the house like that? He says "how do you talk to a woman about her weight, there's no way to do it". And he's right. But I'm looking at those pics and seeing how happy I am and inside I'm thinking How the hell could I be so fucking happy when I looked so goddam horrible and fat and ugly and chinny and where the fuck are my eyes in all those rolls on my goddamn face how does THAT happen?

I know that sounds terrible, but I feel safe here telling you my inner thoughts, and I thank you for listening. It's just that I feel so incredible in my body today (outside of a couple of bad pockets of yuck) that it boggles my mind that I was OKAY with being so fucking huge. I was OKAY with it! In fact I was HAPPY. WTF??? I guess I can chalk it up to I never knew better. Because I was not a yoyo dieter, I never lost any, so never felt the sexy skinny, so didn't miss it. The last time I weighed this, I was 20. Yep, 20. Yeesh! How did I get so old?? But alas, that's another rant for another day.

Today's Fuel:

Br: leftover custard oatmeal w/ unsweetened applesauce (leftover cuz I stopped when satisfied yesterday YAY)
Lu: cabbage unrolls & milk
Sn: leftover swiss chard & yams
Sn: cottage cheese & fruit & ground flax
Dn: vegetarian chili & milk
Sn: popcorn

Water: 2L
AP: Yoga 50 min, walk the dog 30-60 min

Thanks for letting me ramble...

Wednesday's Plan

Today's menu (again, planning as I'm writing so bear with me):

Br: oatmeal custard (milk, oatmeal, cinnamon oil, with an egg thrown in at the last minute)
Lu: ham & spinach salad wrap
Sn: cottage cheese, fruit, ground flax (0 pts for 1 tblsp)
Sn: carrots
Dn: steak & swiss chard

Water: 2l
AP: 1/2 hour stepping, dog walk, 50 minutes yoga

Tuesday's Fuel

Hmmm... Planning as I write, so bear with me.

Br: Oatmeal
Lu: Wrap w/ ham, avocado, tomato, sprouts, brocslaw, mustard. (2pts)
Sn: cottage cheese, ground flax, strawberries
Sn: carrots
Dn: cabbage unrolls & salad
Sn: popcorn if I need it.

Protein - 3
Grains - 3
Freggies - 5
Oils - 3 (avocado, flax & oil on popcorn)

Okay, that looks good!

I sent out a link via email to a newsletter called "BrandAid". Really really informative. Right up my alley! If you didn't get it, google it if you are interested, or email me and I'll send you the link.

Today's Fuel

Br - oatmeal
Lu - fried egg sammich on WW bread w/ oily salad
Sn - plain yoghurt w/ ground flax & fruit
Sn - carrots
Dn - chicken burger w/ spinach salad

AP - walk the dog for an hour + 3 hours of dancing/stepping
Water - 2-3 litres

Great Weekend!

Besides the plethera of amazing people and their amazing children that came on Saturday, I had an awesome food weekend!!

Most weekends are a write off for me, and I allow myself to oink on shit I shouldn't but wth, it's the weekend. This weekend I did amazingly well. In fact, the only thing I ate that wasn't core was alcohol and a couple of crackers and a couple of small tastes of Brie! And even then it was just nips out of a Crown Royal bottle (yes, Cindy, you've converted me) while I chugged water all night.

Yesterday I had two snack attacks. So I had two different flavours of popcorn! Then dinner I was craving a burger SO bad... I figured I must be craving protein. So I made myself a huge (for me) cottage cheese yummy dish. So satisfying and tasty. And emotionally/psychologically satisfying, too!

I'm very proud of me.

Yeah, BABY!!

Down 2.2!! Apparently that number is contagious, and I'm more than happy to have caught it... lol!

Today I was at my lowest yet. 146.8! That's a BMI of 26.8. Considering I was at 153.2 on Monday, I'm doing the happy dance, lemme tell ya.

Today's Menu

B - 2 poached eggs, cottage cheese w/ grapes & cherries & ground flax seed (pts seeds)
L - hamburger spinach salad & couscous
S - yoghurt
S - carrot stix
D - Sashimi & Miso soup
S - popcorn

Water - 2-3 litres

AP - 1/2 hour step aerobics
- hour dancing

NSV

So, I was checking myself out in the mirror last night. I don't usually do that in front of Steve. However, he caught me last night doing it, and he says "lookin good there, baby". I'm all like "what do you mean?" He comes over and points out DEFINITION. He says he can see definition starting on my abs! And best of all? He's started working it, too. He does a routine of sit ups and pushups now. He's done it twice this week. Plus he's joining me on my dog walks.

LOVE it!

Best Dinner EVER

I fried the bejeebenies out of some hamburger & onions with a little oil (after draining it) and garlic powder. You know when you fry it so much, it's a little browned and crispy? Yum.

I sat in the garden and picked a bowl of spinach, and then learned how to harvest my cauliflower (which is SO sweet and delish!!). Back in the kitchen, I chopped up nice smaller bite size chunks of cauliflower, some avocado, and tomato.

Logan's wrap had meat & onions, ff Thousand Islands, fresh spinach & cauliflower.

Mine had meat & onions, avocado, tomato, fresh spinach & cauliflower.

SOOOO good!! The cauliflower adds a nice meaty chew to the sandwich, and the ground beef was so decadent tasting.

Merrit Mountain Music Festival. The jig is UP!!

What an AMAZING weekend! I feel rejuvinated, without a stress in the world. I went to bed at 7:30 last night and JUST woke up. Two solid days of drinking, dancing, and country music. Wow. Even our cousin Chantel, who is not a country fan, was dancing all night.

Wanna hear my weekend??? I'm gonna tell ya!

We left town at 3:30, hitting Starbucks & filling the gas (which when we broke it down between us ended up costing $18 each plus $5 each for toll... WOOT!!). We hit Chilliwack to find huge car accident that had happened at 1pm. Just before Vedder road, the traffic is crawling. But being the experienced commuter I am, I'm watching taillights. I realize that the ones AFTER the exit are not moving. Time to get off the number 1. Sam phones Andrew at home and asks him to mapquest how to get from the #1 to the #7 from Yale Road. He tells us (he's so fabulous!) and we are on our merry way. Beautiful drive through the country, then we get to Hope and we're off to Merritt!

We got up there 7:30, found our camping spot, realize we are less than two minutes away from the river. Niiiice. Set up camp takes 45 minutes, because Cindy bought the most skookum canopy I've ever seen. It folds out like an acordian. Sweet! Shade is our friend.

So we get all dolled up, and go hit the fairgrounds at about 9ish, and danced and danced and danced! We noodled back to camp, and Cindy says that she could hear them calling last call just before she fell asleep. We know it closed at 4:00am. Good long night!

Up at 8 because the sun does NOT let you sleep in! Fortunately, we don't wear watches up there so it's always a random time checking situation. Time for doghair! Mine this year was instant hazelnut coffee, with a scoop of coffee whitener, kalua & malibu. YUM!! Two of those to bring the blood alcohol level back up and I'm good to go! Go to the river, that is. We all get ourselves SPFed with the 50 stuff as a base and pack up our chairs, food, and booze and off we go. Cowboy hats and sunglasses & bikini's. I'll send you a pic later when I get them from Chantel (email me if you want)!

The river was... omg awesome! We were in it for about six hours. Laying in chairs, watching the wildlife (I love wildlife in cowboy hats, don't you?), drinking our faces off. Man I was HAMMERED in the river. I can't even begin to tell you how cathartic it is.

Back to camp for naptime. However, it turns out that even there I'm not a napper. So off I went for a drunken hike through the campgrounds. Then, in my brilliance I decide I need to climb the cliff, which has stairs cut into it. We did it last year and it was a huge feat to conquer (being 30 lbs heavier last year). I did it TWICE and felt FANTASTIC. And that was after dancing five hours the night before, having four hours sleep, and drinking for 24 hours straight! Yeah, baby!!

Back to camp and time to rouse the nappers. Dinner! And more alcohol. We meandered our way through eating, drinking, and getting ready for the party. Because Saturday night is the reason everyone is there. It's the motherload of parties.

Cindy and I were ready first and decided to go down to the fairgrounds and have a look around, maybe grab a bite. She had a hamburger, and I had a corndog that I bought from the most gorgeous boy... omg, he was so yummy. The corndog was, too! We realize that the party is about to start. Sarah Evans is onstage, and she is playing some pretty good dancing tunes. Looks like around 3000 are in the beergarden and it's starting to rock. Time to go wake the girls.

We get back to camp and Sam is ready to rock. Chantel is ready to lose her lunch. Her body is NOT liking the heat and dryness. She has been fighting naseau since we arrived. She goes to puke, comes back and says to go on without her. If she's feeling it, she'll join us, and if not, she'll just sleep. So after a few shots of crown with some cooler chasers, off we go!

Sam buys the best goddam $9 perogies she's ever had, lol. The energy returns, time to party!! Oh the dancing! Oh the drinking! Oh the fun!! It was probably around 10pm when we started dancing. Midnight, who should appear beside us on the dancefloor? Chantel!!! She woke up and felt better and came to join us! Awesome!!! And we danced and partied until the sun came up. Literally. The beer garden on Saturday night is the party to end all parties. After the concerts on the mainstage were done at midnight (they show them on a huge screen in the beer gardens), the live bands kick it up. Cindy's cousins LESTER were the first band and they ROCKED the house. The live bands stayed until 4:30, and then they just played tunes and we kept on dancing! It was about 6:30 when I finally made it back to camp.

Little bit of sleep, lots of water, and we packed er in. Loaded up the van and headed for Hope and the Home Restaurant. I had the best chef salad, a vanilla milkshake and coffee. omg it was SO good. Then headed for home. As soon as I got here, I cracked a cooler and unloaded the van.

I still have not unpacked a damn thing. My husband washed all my clothes... he's so awesome! I'm now so incredibly hung over I can't even tell you... water and sleep. Maybe laying in the sun and baking the alcohol out. Not sure.

Good times. This is the one weekend (formerly week) that I get to go out and spend quality time just being a woman. And this year it was a sexy woman who attracted a LOT of male attention. It was AWESOME!!! And it rejuvenates me so much. I think we all need to have that. That place where we can go and NOT be a wife or mother, but just be a woman, feeling like a woman. I cannot even begin to tell you what this weekend did for my self esteem. I feel like a hot, sexy bitch.

I like it! THE JIG IS UP!!!!

Shopping

So last night I had to do a bit of grocery shopping, and I was on the wrong end of town so I popped into Save-On. The main thing on my list was FF cottage cheese, and there are only two brands I love, Dairyland and Lucerne. Lucerne was way on the OTHER end of town. Dairyland it is!

Well first I discovered that Dairyland is almost a dollar cheaper! And it wasn't even on sale! Saved $4 right there.

My second discovery: Sam had mentioned Squirrely bagels. So here I am, standing in the bread aisle, looking for WW bagels. Damn... they don't carry them. But oh, look! There's Squirrely Bagels! NI Calories: 210, Fat 4, Fibre 8.4. Beside them is the same brand, but it's their Flax Seed Bagels. Hmm. My eye doctor had just given me a huge speech about how a study in Germany had found that Flax Seed had increased eye moisture in aging women (men, too, but I don't care about them, lol). I'm supposed to get more Flax in my diet. What's the NI? Calories: 200, Fat 2.5, Fibre 9. Even better!

I had one this morning, and they are so light and tasty! Not dense like bagels usually are. And when I plugged them into the calculator? 2pts!! The same as a WW bagel, but WhOOOOO HOOOOO better!!

I've even written to the company, I'm so impressed with their products.

Silver Hills Bakery... pass it on!

WI... up .6

... to 149.2.

Sigh.

Damn excercise and muscle building. Should I scale back?

oh my GOD!!

... do my quads hurt!! I thought they were bad YESTERDAY. Today they are worse, and what's more, my glutes have decided they need to be heard, too.

I'm seeing a whole smurfload of A5-35 in my future, yes I am. Buy stock, people. I'm tellin ya.

Here's my menu today:

Br: Egg-el (WW bagel 2pts, egg white, ff cheese, 1/8 avocado, light mayo 1 pt)
Lu: crab, couscous, hot sauce, broccoli, glass of milk
Sn: cottage cheese & apple
Dn: roasted turkey thigh over salad
Sn: popcorn w/ healthy oil

I received an email about Splenda, from FormerFatGuy.com. I've been contemplating cutting it out of my life, and after reading that newsletter, I definately am. I cannot reasonably logic myself into poisoning my body when I'm working so hard to get healthy. Education is a dangerous thing... lol. It's one thing to live/eat/breathe in ignorance, but now that I have been educated, I just cannot bring myself to choose to continue ingesting it. It seems ridiculous to me.

Of course, it cannot necessarily be avoided completely. I will still want the occasional diet pop or whatever, but I'm not going to be having it in my tea or on my popcorn anymore. I'll need to find a healthier alternative. I'm leaning towards demorara (sp?) sugar, which seems to be the alternate of choice. Or honey where usable (definately not on popcorn, lol).

Here's my quandry... I have a ton of splenda left over. I'd hate to waste it, but I can't in good concious say "Hey Sis, I'm not poisoning myself with this shit anymore... want it?" LOL

Not sure what was going to be for dinner tonight.

"not sure yet" ended up being Red Robins. Although, I have to admit, I did pretty damn good.
I ate:
- half of a cheese stick (ya, 1/2!!)
- a sip (literally) of banana milkshake (one taste tastes like the rest, I told myself)
- honey mustard chicken burger, but I took off the top bun which deleted the mayo, and ditched 1/3 of the bottom bun, too.
- five french fries

All together it was 16 points. Considering what it COULD have been? I'm totally happy with that.

Ouchie, I'm sore!!

I gave myself a killer workout last night!! I ran for 10 minutes, then spent 20 minutes going back and forth on a soccer field. Side steps, skipping, and lunges. My quads are KILLING me!!!

Then I get home to find that the dogs still need their walk. Gah! That was the LONGEST walk around the block EVER!!

Oh boy, did I earn me a gold star on the calendar!

As I Suspected

I'm up this week. But I believe it's because my body is just regulating itself. I've had losses every week for something like five weeks. I'm excercising a ridiculous amount. I'm building muscle. I'm thinking I'm okay with this... lol.

I'm going to get someone to meaure me today. I'll post the results... stay tuned!

Oh, current weight as of today 148.6

New Challenge!

I am going to SO rock this!

I've just joined a challenge on the Less to Lose Board.

By August 1st I will:
- lose five pounds
- earn 96 AP

Yes, I will!!

Saturday WI

I'm feeling like the boy who cried wolf... once again I said that I wasn't expecting a loss, and I lost! Since joining the Canada Day Challenge on this board, I've really been working the program (I've learned that maintenance is going to be a snap for me, I was stagnant for so long... lol). I've lost five pounds just in the month of June so far!

Today's loss was .8 which brings me to a BMI of 26.9. WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!! I'm so close to being in the normal rate, I can TASTE it... and you know what? It DOES taste better than those muffins, cakes, chips did!!

Today is a New Day

Okay, TOM is over and it's game on!

Today's menu:

Br: 1/2 cup swiss meusli, egg bagelwich.
Lu: couscous, leftover veggies, ham, tomato, oil, hotsauce.
Sn: pear
Dn: core chili
Sn: popcorn? frozen grapes? mandarin orange?

Water: half done my second litre today.
Activity: walk Oscar later, did an hour of dancing this morning, and an hour of step aerobics.

All week I've avoided the scale, cuz I felt all bloated and puffy. Even my clothes weren't fitting well. Thought it was in my own best interest to avoid up until yesterday. Then I stepped on, cuz I like torturing myself that way... and it read 152.2. Gah!! But then this morning it was down to 149.4. More like it!

omg omg omg omg omg omg

GUESS WHAT???? I FOUND A PAIR OF SHORTS THAT NOT ONLY CAN I WEAR, BUT THEY LOOK HOT... ... ... to ME!!!!!!

Blah...

TOM week and I feel like poop.



That is all.

My real WI

148.0

That's down 1.8 from last week.

Glory Be, I can SEE

So yesterday, could I have BEEN more nervous? Doubt it. All the way there I had to do labour breathing. In the mall, I destracted myself with nose ring shopping, then had a light lunch at the food court, once again bypassing Arby's (I'm SUCH a good girl). Old me would have used the excuse and eaten crap. New me didn't want my belly rebeling in the doctor's office... lol.

The great thing is that they give you an Atavan before your appointment. Miraculous Ninja Butter fly Killer should be its pseudanm. Seriously. I wasnt worried AT ALL after that. Moments before my surgery I asked for a glass of water, and the OR nurse asked me why. I told her I wanted to take one of the T3's they give you BEFORE the pain. She called me brilliant.

The surgery itself was weird, but seriouly only lasted about a minute on each eye, including prep, cut, laser, and refolding. The laser itself was 11 seconds. Unbelievable.

They provide you with 2 T3's and 2 sleeping pills and suggest you sleep the day away if you can.

Steve picked me up a subway sandwich on the way home. I ate that, had a glass of milk, took the other T3 and both sleeping pills and went to lay down. An hour later I got back up, took another T3 and a Sleepe-eze-D. That did the trick. I woke up at 5am after a great 12 hours of sleeping and healing.

This morning I can see! My eyes feel a little dry and kinda like there is something in one of them. I have a follow up at 8:45.

Friday the 13th

So why on EARTH did I schedule my eye surgery on Friday the 13th???? Oh yeah, cuz I'm not superstitious... LOL.

Serious ninja butterflies in my tummy. Serious. I woke up at 3:30am in a tizzy and had to read to calm myself down.

I did my WI this morning, just to see, in case Steve order's pizza tonight (that's his idea of 'making' dinner). Good news! I was at 149.6lbs. That's only down .2, but considering I honestly thought I'd be back up to 150, I'm so fantastic with that!!

Wish me luck today. I'm going to need it NOT to barf on Dr. King. Better yet, wish HIM luck.

Further thoughts...

I'm really struggling with the "accepting who I am today as my current reality". But not in a bad way. I know that it's a process, it's just completely unchartered territory for me.

As I say that, I think to myself that once again I find myself ahead of others in my experience and wishing that someone was a step ahead of me so that I could ask advice, opinions and questions of them. I know that others went through this long ago, but it's the "here and now" questions and thoughts that I wish I had help with. Of course, nothing I can articulate now, because I'm TRYING to think of stuff... lol.

I am finding a couple of people on the WW boards are going through the same mental process' I am, which helps. I think I might check out a different board, though. The "less to lose" board maybe.

I just realized how conceited that sounded... which is NOT what I meant. I guess what I mean is that I'm finding myself really loving my body and the way I look today vs yesterday, and I don't hear that from my people around me about themselves, so feel kinda alone on this step. And while I don't really care what other people think, I do know that some would consider me "changed" or "vain". And the reality is I have changed, and I am vain. But I don't think it's a bad thing. I've worked damn hard to change and I've earned feeling proud.

Damn... does this make sense to anyone else but me??

Introspective (Is that the right word?)

This is gonna get deep, folks.

I just spent time on FB looking at pictures of myself. I really sat and looked, because you know what? I didn't really know what I looked like.

I've looked at so many pics of myself over the last year. More pictures than probably the other 38 years put together. However, most are a glance long enough to decide whether it needs to be deleted or can stay. However, looking at the pictures from Jessie's 19th, with the horizontal stipes (I know I keep going on about it, but wow that' huge to me!) I realized that I do look different. I'm a completely different looking person than I was a year ago, even.

Looking at these current picture, though, I realized that the dramatic changes are done. THIS is what I'm going to look like for the rest of my life. Well, you know what I mean. Do you? I'm kinda lost, thus the long blog. I'm facing my next chapter... in the mirror.

I've been working toward something for months and months. And I've arrived. I have been working towards being healthy, and that's what I am today. I eat well. I excercise almost daily. I live an intentionally Core life, in food and in other ways. I'm going more and more natural. Natural hair colour. Totally toned down the makeup, and don't even wear any for days at a time. But think I actually look okay that way in this body. In the fat body I just looked pasty and sick. Now I'm healthy!

I look forward to getting the last bit off, then maintenance. I'm gonna totally rock maintenance. I can eat this way the rest of my life EASY, because I like the way this feels.

((I warned you it was going to get deep!))

Feeling OP, but have to go grocery shopping!

Man, I'm struggling for Core snacks right now. A bit ago I ate a pickle, cuz I need groceries so bad... lol. I see Safeway in my future!

This was the second day of my dancing regime while making calls. It went pretty good! But I think I'm tired... it seems like it's been a very active week. Between the dancing, situps, and dog walking, I'm moving most of the time now. For my lunch break I slumped on the couch and read a book for an hour. Bliss!

Tonight I shop, then take Oscar for a walk, and then I am relaxing.

I popped on the scale again today (why? Why??) and it read 150.4. TOM is this weekend, so I know I won't retain my 140's status, but I'm really trying!! Despite wanting to scarf a big ol' chocolate bar, preferably Coffee Crisp (it's a nice light snack!).

Damnitall. Skinny feels better than Coffee Crisp tastes!!

Today it's Fun!

I'm having a good day so I thought I would post about it.

Here's my menu:

Br: cow & blueberries
Lu: Kolbassa wrap (pts)
Sn: pear
Dn: salmon with cool salad
Sn: frozen grapes

Water: 2 litres
AP: see below

So, the last two days have been very energetic for me. Last night when I took Oscar for a long walk, my legs were killing me. So I'm taking it easy today. I'll take Oscar out for 1/2 hour walk around the block. However, I have a hard time NOT moving, now that I'm smaller!! Weird, I know.

As you know, I sit in front of the computer ALL day making phone calls. Usually I do sit ups and crunches the whole day (started doing this last week). I figure I'm on the damn ball, might as well take advantage of it, right?

So today, I turned on the radio so I have it in the background, and I've kicked the ball out of the way. When I'm dialing and on hold, I'm dancing! Makes my day go by faster, and is fun! And who knows how many AP I'm creating. Enough to feel good, anyways.

No reason this has to be a drudge, this journey. I'm all about making it fun!!

Nice Kick Start to my Week!

Went to the track with Sam, Andrew & fam. It was great! I did 3 miles, which is 4.8km. But the great thing is that I ran 4.03 of those km without stopping!! Go me!!

I was on my second lap, and contemplating when I should take a walk break when a conversation I had with the sweeper on my 10k came to mind. When I told her I usually run 10/1 she said you eventually reach a point where you might as well just keep running. And when I did that 10k it wasn't that first 4 km that I ran that killed me, it was the 6km AFTER that.

So I feel like I have a great start to my week! Gold star for me!!

GoodBYE 150s!!

Today the scale reads 149.8 lbs.

WOOT!!!

Next week is TOM, so it may be fleeting... lol, but I'll own it anyways! And I'll be working hard to get even further down to counteract the bloating, so if there IS a gain next week, it won't be forever!

Check this out...

Doug and I are shopping and I'm trying on these tops. There were all different colours and patterns and he was helping me decide which one I wanted. One had horizontal stripes. We liked it and as I headed back into the changeroom I said "but it has horizontal stripes". Doug responds, "yeah, they aren't always a good thing, but you're past the point of that mattering, because it didn't even register".

Woot!!!

I may actually live...

I'm definately on the mend now. I'm eating real food today. Not much of it, but it's not liquids. My head is almost cleared of cotton. Thank Gawd!!

Br: 1/2 cup cream of wheat w/ 1 tsp br sugar (pt)
Lu: leftover chicken dinner
Sn: popcorn w/ 1 tsp each margarine & olive oil, splash of vanilla & 1/2 tsp splenda
Dn: Creamy ham pesto casserole (core)

I'm able to drink water today (yesterday it hurt my stomach). I haven't excercised yet, because I just don't have the energy. Tomorrow I'll do a 30 minute meander on the dreadmill.

Not sure how the scale will react to all of this, but I'm not worried about it. It will even itself out in the long run. This is life, and sometimes it gets in the way, but that's the journey isn't it? Dealing with what life throws us and moving forward in a positive, solution oriented manner.

Game on!

Sooo Sick.

So, I had SO much fun at Cindy's 40th!! Ate all kinds of good and bad things. I was totally proud of myself for not having a chicken wing, even though I wanted one soooo badly. I had to win over something, dammit... lol.

By the end of the night my stomach was rolling with how much I ate, and I'm sooo glad I wasn't drinking! Especially since it turned out I had the flu. Yup, at 3am, there I was hugging the toilet. After a night of it, I thought it would be a lark to stand on the scale. I got down to 148.6. I'm tellin ya, I was SICK!

I'm better today, not throwing up anymore, just really really weak.

What Happens When You Work It??

It works!!!!

I have been completely committed this week. I've worked out five times. I've been completely Core. I've watched my caloric intake and output. I've drank my water. I've taken my vitamins. I've been awesome... and I've lost 2 pounds!! Yeah, baby!!!!

Doug and I ended up in a huge talk the other night all about Weight Watchers. He has a friend who's mom tried WW and lost a little weight then gained it all back. This friend was wondering why it worked for me and not his mom. So Doug came and asked me.

It was a great conversation. When I have those talks, it completely rejuvinates me and reminds me of why I'm here. I'm not sure what he's taking back to his friend, but after an hour or so of talking, going through to Core list, explaining the concepts, why's and wherefores, it came down to this... the program works if you work it vs manipulating it. Doug came away from that evening understanding completley that WW is an education, not a diet. And that if that's not how you are thinking about it, then you will most likely, statistically, fail. He also understood where the emphasis was in that statement. The YOU. Because the program works. YOU just need to work it.

I'm so totally jazzed. I'm so happy to be where I am today. 152.2 lbs, and down a notch on the BMI scale. Today I hit 27.8 and I'm stoked!

Weird note: Sam caught the other day when I was talking about my weight and I said "Today I'm 195". She jumped on it "NO you are NOT", and I blinked, not sure what I had said. Freudian, huh? Well then this morning, I'm happy dancing around the scale and I sang out loud "I'm 192... NO i'm NOT". WTF, dude? When is my brain going to catch up to my body?? Bizarre, huh?

Last night I was hanging out with friends. They decided to order dinner. Pizza and Chinese food were being bandied about. Then of course the pressure started. "You have to stay for dinner". They were being so awesome about finding something "I could eat". I ended up leaving and coming home to eat. I knew the pressure when the food got there would be too much. So I made a choice. I came home and made a wicked salad with salmon and was really happy for it.

As I'm always saying, it's all about choices, isn't it??

Yummy

I just had the juiciest pear! Why don't I eat them more often??

I'm not working out today. Day of rest!

Completely OP today, though.

Woot!

Another Star for Me

I went for an hours walk tonight. More of a meander, but man it sure took it out of me. This run I did on Sunday sure did a number on me!!

I'm going to go make me some popcorn and rest my sorry butt on the couch.

I'm kicking my butt this week. Three gold stars on the calendar so far!

30 minutes and POOPED!!

Holy shit.

I just got off the treadmill. I walked for 30 minutes to get my legs moving. I set it for 2.8 mph and it almost killed me. Which is hilarious because usually I walk at 3.5 and can go for hours.

I am now feeling the urge to spend the rest of the day on the couch... and I'm giving in to it.

Yup yup I am!

I did it... and that's IT!!

Holy fucken FUCK was that 10k TOUGH!! Waaaay harder than the Sun Run. Sun Run was through fairly level streets. Vistas Run was up and down ravines and hurdling logs in the freakin forest!!

The good news is that because of a comedy of errors at the start of the race, I pushed a LOT harder than I was planning on doing and beat my Sun Run time by one minute. This one I did in 1:14.

And it totally cured me of doing 10k's in the country. Never again. I came out of the Sun Run pumped and looking for my next challenge. I came out of this one pissed off and tired. No more for me. My running will be at my own pace, when I want to. I'll probably keep doing the Sun Run, but that's about it.

But hey... if you want a REALLY gorgeous walking / hiking route, Kanaka Creek Park is amazing!

Today's WI

It's a great one! Down one full pound!

I know it would have been more if I hadn't stuffed my face last week with cupcakes, beer & bbq. But the good news is that I worked my ass off this week and it paid off! Imagine what NEXT week will be like!!

I just read the most amazing blog post from a woman who has lost oodles of weight. She has chips and m&m's in her car that she was planning on eating tonight after eating the same this morning. She's bingeing and she confessed on her blog to get herself under control.

I cried. That was me. That still could be me if I let it. I'm not strong and I beat hell out of myself sometimes for it. The cupcakes are a prime example. "I'll have one" I thought when I bought the half dozen. Yeah, no... I ate them all. And I knew I would.

But guess what... I'm human! And so is everybloodyone else out there! I'm NOT alone. This woman's blog inspired me to be a better me. She showed me that I'm not only not alone, I'm also not a freak.

I've joined the Six Week's till Canada Day challenge on the Core Boards. I'm going to lose ten pounds in this six weeks.

You watch... ☺

Great Day Yesterday!

I had SUCH a great day! Susan met a new friend at the hairdressers a few weeks back and they were chatting about Weight Watchers. Turns out that Rosmary is doing Core online. So Susan invited her to join us on our walk around the Sea Wall. Amber ended up joining us, too!

So the four of us made our way from Georgia & Denman all the way around the sea wall, and ended up at Tan Popo for all you can eat sushi. YUM! I tried some new things. Some were good (tempura yams) some not so much (terriyaki chicken sushi). The salmon sashimi was beautiful. Then we went for cupcakes. I made the fatal error of buying a six pack AND one to eat. So I ate my one, then on the way home I snarfed another one. Then when I got home I had to try a piece of each one to see what they tasted like. Which led to more bites, which ended up with me probably eating a full five cupcakes when you add them all together. Yeesh!

Then I got a call from Kyros and walked down to his place. Drank some lite beer with clam and played an awesome game of badminton. Steve joined us with the dogs, and we hung out for a bit, then walked home. All together I figure that I walked for about 18 km yesterday. And that does not include the badminton activity. No wonder my hips are a bit sore! Although, I sure needed to in order to counteract those damn cupcakes.

Starting tomorrow I've made a commitment. I'm determined to lose the rest of this. No more complacency! Here is what I committed to:

... excercise at least four times a week. (I can do that)
... be more dilligent with comfort levels. (It's hard, but I can do that)
... get into a routine, and live it Monday to Friday. (I've almost perfected it)
... stop making choices that I know I am not going to enjoy, that just aren't worth it. (for instance the stupid cupcakes )

When I do these things, I have results that move in the right direction, both on the scale and off. I have not been doing 100% on these things... Probably 60 - 70%.

If I kick it up 10%, what would that break down to? ... okay, how about this: I also commit to adding 30 seconds of jumping jacks, three times, to my day. (gulp, ... I can do that)

OW!!

I've had a great week off work, and took advantage of that time to do some pretty cool working out.

Monday I ran and then powerwashed my house.
Tuesday I rested.
Wednesday I did my step aerobics tape on my new step. Here's the thing, though... I didn't realize that my step was on it's highest setting. I did the entire workout, which I haven't done since November or earlier, on EXPERT.
Thursday I puttered with arms and abs all morning, because my calves were screaming.

And now it's Friday. And here I sit with my calves coated in A535, in hopes that it will stop the seizing and allow me to go for a run. Seriously, the pain!! My calves are balls. Just to touch them to put the cream on was unbelievable!

I can feel the cream working, though, so I will definately be going out running today.

As for my eating... fair to middlin. This being at home thing is really difficult, and I have to really work on my choices. I do about 90% great, and then have something not so great. Like yesterday was completely Core, then Logan and I were out and I was hungry so we split a panini and a bowl of Italian Wedding soup. Wednesday I had a happy face cookie from the Haney Bakery. I don't even remember what I did on Tuesday. Not huge things, but something each day.

I'm actually looking forward to working again, so I can find a new routine that works.

Back At It

So since I only have four weeks until my next 10k, I figured I better jump back into that there saddle. This is the 2nd workout for week 10 of the training program. I figured this would be a great place to start, since it puts me at the timeline for the run.

Warm-up: Walk slow and easy for 5 min.
Run 4 minutes. Walk 1 minute. Do this 9 times.
Cool-down: Walk slow and easy for 5 min.

Yeaaah, except that I haven't had a good run SINCE the Sun Run last Sunday! I made it to 7 sets and called it a night.

It was pouring rain, and I was drenched. By the time I got home (walking the cool down) I was freezing.

Weight Loss Update

I don't know why I was nervous of WI this morning, but I wasn't feeling very confident. WRONG.

I'm down 2.6 this week!! The scale read 153.8!!

Stats:

Weight: 153.8
BMI: 28.1
Percentile: 53rd % (this means I'm 3% above the average weight at my age and height)
% of Body Weight Lost to Date: 26.1
Total Lbs Lost to Date: 54.2

Fuckin A!!!

Argh!

Nothing like running into an old friend at the track who wants to yabber which cuts into your running time when you're on a curfew. Argh!!

One would think...

You know, funny thing... one would think that if one ran a 10k on Sunday, that on Tuesday, a long run would be a breeze. But one would be sadly, sadly mistaken.

After dinner tonight I got dressed for my run. It's a balmy 13 degrees out, so I'm dressed in shorts and a T. Running belt on. Watch set. This time, because I'm not training yet for the 10k on May 25th, I decided to do something a little different. I set my watch for 37 minutes (random, but whatever). I thought "I'll go as far as I can for 37 minutes and then make my way back home, for a nice long run". At about the time that the watch had counted down to 24 minutes, I realized that there was no way in hell that I was going to be able to do this. My muscles were already screaming in protest.

So, all told, I went for a run that lasted 37 minutes, with a few little walkie breaks in there. There were moments I thought my hamstring was going to seize up, but I worked through it with some stretches and walking.

So apparently the body is tired after a 10k. Who knew?

Sun Run!!

First, is it normal to feel a let down? All these 13 weeks of intense focus... Done. Weird.

The day was incredible. Sunny and cold. Froze my ass off (actually, my ears, but who's counting) in the morning waiting for the race to begin. Then we were off! It was AWESOME!!

I had set my watch to run 8/1, but ended up barely using that. Because crowds of people, you were forced to walk a couple of times, so skipped the next walk cycle... that sort of thing. It was WAY easier than I expected it to be.

I was super glad to have had bites of bagel in my running belt. I chewed them down at 7km, and felt like superman. I finished strong!

I did not time myself, so I'll have to wait until the paper is published tomorrow to see if I made my goal of 90 minutes, but I know it was close. Above all else, I'm super proud of myself because I made a commitment, dedicated training, and completed the mission.

I feel like a real live athlete!!

Run Update!

Oh yeah! I almost forgot! I had a great run last night. Really helped me to clear my head of all the negative energy, and focus on being results oriented.

10/1 x 4 with five front and back.

Magda gave me some great advice on stretching excersizes and core building techniques to alleviate my back pain. It's helped already after just one day!

So I'm back, baby! Ready for the Sun Run!!

Hmmm

I think I'm happiest that when I talk to Andrew tonight, I have positive news to relay to him.

When I look from his point of view, it must be very difficult to be a parent from such a distance and feel so helpless. He cannot do a damn thing to help Logan in his daily life, so to have to hear nothing but negative, well, I would hate it.

Knowing that I can talk to Andrew about the solutions in place, and Logan's mature attitude about having a plan... I am no longer dreading that conversation.

The Good News is...

We had a great meeting with Logan last night. Steve and I met with him and had a conversation around current reality, what the goal is, and the steps that he needs to take to get there.

Current Reality: Not attending classes, hanging with Curtis, getting a start on the grades situation, owes 350 for the camera, owes 200 for the bike, feels like the weight of the world is on his shoulders and is suffering guilt stress stomach aches.

Goal: Pulled up grades so passing with good marks. Stopped hanging around with Curtis, because he's bad news. Payed off both debts. Feel great because did the right things and are on track to a great career.

Steps that Need to be Taken:

- Talk with Curtis and let him know that relationship is done (already done yesterday)

- Already has a good start on the homework situation. Had a good week of catching up, and feels productive. Will maintain the momentum.

- Will attend class today in the morning (it's a non instructional day) to make up missed time.

- Will attend breakfast club Tues and Thurs from 7:30 - 8:30 to make up missed time.

- Use the planner to map out school projects. Use math skills. If project is due in two weeks, figure approximately how long it will take to complete, and divide those hours by eight days (figuring Friday, Sat & Sun can be project free days) and to budget time to get projects done and done well enough to have a great grade.

- Applying for yard work job around the corner from school, to pay off debts.

- Taking $40 earned tonight and walking down to Aaron's and handing 20 to Aaron's very angry father. He is to say "I promise to pay for the bike, and this 20 is the start to show my commitment to you". He will do the same with the school librarian on Monday with the other 20.

The good news is that it was a very positive meeting, and Logan tells me that he already feels tons better because now he has a plan. He doesn't feel lost in a pit.

He also knows that if he finds himself backsliding, that I will transfer schools.

Banging my head on the desk...

So Logan's principal just called to tell me that Logan is in his office. His pants and shoes are wet because he fell in the creek when he was running from the manager of Dollar Giant as she was chasing him after a shoplifting incident.

What?

Yes, he was in Dollar Giant during third period.

What?

He said he had an upset stomach and had to go to the clinic, but he phoned the clinic and they have no record of Logan having been there.

What?

And he's been pretty upset since the whole camera thing... oh you dont' know about the camera thing? (logan in the background saying: i'm pretty sure I told her). You see, Logan borrowed a video camera from the library and has apparently misplaced it.

What?

Yep.

So I asked the principap straight out, was Logan with Curtis? Yes he was. Of course he was! This is the kid I just talked to Logan about and told him that I felt he was bad news and that I didn't want Logan hanging out with him.

This of course was after Curtis apparently stole Aaron's bike out of our back yard, and now Aaron's dad wants Logan to reimburse him $400 to replace it.

Logan's life is going to shit. He's failing four of his classes. He's just making really shitty decisions. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it all right now. I will have to phone and tell Andrew what's going on, but what good will that do? He's not here to help parent his kid.

sigh

So far so good....

So most of you have ascertained that Doug is again living at home. It's going to be one hell of an adjustment, lemme tell ya. Steve is a little closed minded to the fact that Doug is an adult, and I cannot give him a cerfew. Last night he says "what time is Doug coming home". I said, "he might not be". Steve says "haven't you laid rules down about that?" C'mon, the kid is 21. I'm not going to tell him that he has to be home before dark, for crissakes.

Many have asked, but really I'm not sure what happened that Doug needed to come stay with us. I have learned not to ask questions. If I ask, and I know what's going on, I stress about it. I can not change anything in his life. So I figure if I don't know, I can't stress about shit I can't change, and I'm happy then. And really, my world revolves around my happiness, so I'm good with it. I know that if there was something I could help with, he'd come and talk to me. So until then...

Doug will be staying with us for a couple of months. Yesterday was the first day and there is water testing happening. He's really trying hard to fit in. He prepped dinner for us, emptyed the dishwasher and reloaded it. He's being very helpful.

The only hiccup, if I can even call it that was that Ashlee was over. I had said that I did not want his friends hanging out at our house. Period. So imagine my suprise when I come home from work to find company over on the FIRST day. I quietly took him aside and reiterated what I had said. His response at first was "she's only been here an hour". To which I replied "I specifically said that I did not want this house to be a hang out for your friends, then I come home from work after a long day, Steve wakes up from his nap, and someone is hanging out here? You can see why that would be bothersome, can't you?" He saw my point of view and we were able to come to a mature understanding.

One of the many things I love about Doug is that he can be easily communicated with if you explain facts and feelings to him. He's very sensitive that way.

I'm thinking this will be okay... for a while. Definately a time limit, though. Otherwise it could be ugly... lol.

Next week is it!

5/1 x 7 with 5 on each side.

Twas a lovely night for a run. Clear skies. Sunglasses on.

I was trying to be cautious with my foot placement, and sucking in my abdomen in order to not put too much pressure on my lower back. It's been hurting all day, and very uncomfortable sitting. When I blogged on the fitness forum on WW they suggested it could be either my shoes or my gait, and to strengthen my core.

Today's Lesson Brought to You by Cottage Cheese!

Today's lesson is this: if you plan on running EAT SOMETHING!

I was let out of work early, so didn't get to eat my cottage cheese. So I thought to myself "Self? Tell ya what we are going to do. We are going to go to the Farmers Market, then go home and prep dinner, eat the cottage cheese, go for the run, come home and cook dinner." We thougth it was a great plan. And it would have been! If I'd remembered the damn cottage cheese.

It wasn't till I was half way down Dewdney when my tummy chose to remind me. I waffled for a few steps, but this nights workout is a real easy one. 4/1 x 6 with 5 on each side. 40 minutes? No problem! Except I was ravenous by the time I got home and coulda ripped Steve's head off for starting dinner four minutes after I asked him to. The nerve!!!

Needless to say, I ate my cottage cheese, apologized to my husband, and came to blog.

Great Run!

So, I did the PoCo Trail today. 8/1 x 6, with 5 on each side.

Turns out my pedometer is not calibrated right. When I was done it said that I did 6 k, but there are k markers along the trail and when I put it to the test, it fell really short. So after I was done I drove the path. Turns out I did 8.8k!!

This tells me that doing the Sun Run will be a snap (so to speak... lol) as this was an "easy volume" week.

Outside Again

And it was awesome.

5/1 x 9 with 5 each front and back. It was tougher than it should have been, what with my bowels so backed up. Damn chili & bananas.

Okay TMI coming! You've been warned!

The WW ladies were right... tons of water, and some heavy excercise FILLED the toilet when I got home. My tummy feels less pressured, but still kinda sore. I don't think it's done yet. Unbelievable.

All seems to be well on the teenager front. Kinda freaky. Scares me when things are going so well.

Pffffft!!!

Had a long day, with a workshop tonight. Didn't get home till 9, and jumped on the treadmill. Hated it. Did only four runs then walked for a total of 50 min / 4.8 km. Fucking hate running on the treadmill. Will not be doing that every again. Walking is fine, and quite enjoyable with the right tv show to focus on. However, I missed the air, the not sweating my bag off, and the focus internally that I can do outside. Right now I'm a sweaty bag of shit and not happy.

Wow, I impressed myself!

10/1 x 6 with 5 min each side warm/cool.

This was actually a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. The hips are sore, but not near what they would have been without Magda's sage advice.

And I finally calibrated my pedometer, so my accurate reading for tonight was ... 8.1 km!! Yay me!!

I'm such a Trooper!!

Despite still having very sore calves, out I went for my run today!

4/1 x 9 with 5 min walk on each end.

I'm such a superwoman, too. I came home, threw dinner in the oven, and prepped the fresh green beans, set the timer, and out for a run I went. All Steve had to do was nuke the rice and serve. Ta da!! Damn I'm good!

Just came back from Lindsay's. She gave me a super haircut in preperation for the big colour job. Dum dum dum!! Goin back to natural!

I'm wondering when I'll get my next run in... what with traveling and all.

Oh, and I've decided to change my schedule up. I'm going to do my runs on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday. That way my big one is definately during the day, and I only take up two of my week nights. Running as soon as I get home while it is still light out has been actually not awful.

Well, Steve is watching stoopid hockey, so I'm gonna surf around for a while, then maybe go for an epson salts bath. Mmmm, yeah, that's TOTALLY what I'm gonna do!!

Ow, Ow Ow, OUCH!!

Last night I did 8/1 x 7 with 5 min on each side warmup walk. Yikes! By the end I was so sore. My hips are screaming in protest today. Every time I get up, they are so stiff and sore! I'm walking like a 90 year old for crissakes... lol.

It was lovely running in the sunshine, though. I went out as soon as I got home, and Steve made dinner. I wonder how often I can get away with that? hee hee hee.

It was nippy, though, holy cow! My extremities were ice by the time I got home!!

I'm looking forward to Chinese tonight, then Biggest Loser. Woot!

OMG that was FUNNY

Did anyone see what Magda wrote on my post re: dude hitting on me? ROFLMAO!!

I'm having SUCH a fantastic day.

I woke up late after having a wonderful ten hour sleep (thank you Sleep Eaze D). I did 50 minutes of yoga, which is always wonderful. Then I watched a movie with my man on the couch, snuggled.

Now Doug is here. We just finished dinner, which was Korean Beef for them, and a terriyaki pork loin for me. I had one ounce of KB as well (one bite tastes like the rest, right?). Everything was oh, so yummy.

Logan is doing dishes, Doug is playing Guitar Hero, Steve is watching Beuwolf, and I snuck in here to post a perfect moment. It's so nice to have my whole family together, everyone having fun and enjoying life in this moment.

I hope you had a moment like this in your day today.

Now, I'll get back to it...

Made Up for Valentines

Awe! Steve actually went out and bought me Easter stuff! A little egg that says "some bunny loves you" and a small container of Cadbury's Eggs. SO unpredictable!! He's never done that before!

And because I'm in so control of my eating, I wasn't even upset about the fact that he bought me chocolate. I know that I can indulge, but not go overboard.

I'm just so impressed with his sweetness!

Today's Run

4/1 x 8.

I way prefer daytime running. It's so nice! I got home just after four today, so I was able to squeeze a run in before dinner. Since I missed it yesterday, I'm glad I did.

My lung capacity is definately down. I did 5 km, and feel just as winded as Monday.

I got hit on while running! And let's face it, noone looks their best when all slicked out for excercise... lol. Some guy was walking his dogs around Westview, and i was in my Set 5 walk. I was watching his Shelties, when one spotted me, woofed at me, then circled around behind him and peeked out from behind his legs. I laughed and said "that's a pretty cute scaredy cat you have there". He responded with something like, "yeah he's pretty tough, just like you". At that point my watch be-de-beeped so I started running. He yells after me "hey, no need to run away!" I pointed at my watch and yelled back that it had beeped and I had to go.

So of course, this gets me thinking. Thinking "I like not being invisible!" I like that I receive male attention again! It's been a long time, and I really missed it. I'm a flirt by nature. That part of me was definately repressed under all that weight.

She's baaaaack!!

Not tonight dear, I have a headache...

I've been hit! I'm down! Medic!!

Woke up this morning with no voice. Now I'm all "Barry White". Went to the doctor, it's not strep... yet. He gave me a perscription in case it turns into strep.

I'm layin low.

Wow. I impressed the SHIT outta myself!!

I was totally nervous about tonights run. 6/1 x 8 plus 5 walking on each end makes 66 minutes. Yikes! Last time I attempted 6's was on the dreadmill, and I then decided I was not meant to run. It was pure unadultered hell.

Tonight? Not so hellish! It was a balmy 7 degrees out, with no rain. I started out slow to pace myself, and after the first two sets was all warmed up nicely. I toured new neighbourhoods, and took some lovely little sidestreets that I've never explored before. It was nice! By the sixth set I was pooping out, but knew I was so close to success. The seventh set was the hardest, cuz I was TIRED. The eight was brutal, but it was the last one! I really worked hard (it's uphill) to keep my pace steady, not clench my fists, pump my arms front to back instead of crossing over my chest, hold my head up high, keep my spine straight... and I did it! I finished strong!

And this time I remembered to bring my pedometer. Got to my back gate and looked at it 7.109 km. Yep!!

Right on!!

Friday's Run

Great again! 6 degrees, so really crisp. Had to wear a long sleeve shirt. Tonight was 2/1 x 12. Nice and easy.

Monday will be harsh... 6/1 x 8. Last time I had sixes it was brutal. Mind you, it was on the treadmill. Hmmm. I'll letcha know.

Sun Run Training Tonight

It was great! The night was 9 degrees, with no wind. I did 3/1 x 7, and I did a good strong run. I picked a new route, down past Westview, past Kyros' and a little further, then back. It was great! No big hills, except that gradual incline on the way back up the school road. But I paced myself and made myself run strong.

It makes a huge difference running on the road vs the sidewalk, as that book says (thanks for lending it to me, Sam!) The sidewalk is brutal on me, where the asphalt is a little more giving. This was prolly a huge part of Sam's discomfort when we went running with Crystal that night.

I'm tired and sore, but definately in a good way. Off for an epson salt bath!

Sick, sick, sick

And twisted!

I did a 52 minute session. 5/1, and I did it in the rain. And it was WAY better than anything I've done on the dreadmill. I think I just hate the dreadmill.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still giving up running like this after the Sun Run. I'll only run if I feel like it. But it was an interesting lesson tonight, that's for sure.

Sigh

Life with a teenager... what to do....

So Steve tells me that he came home to find the back door closed, and assumed Logan wasn't home yet. But then he sees Logan's shoes. Goes and knocks on his door, and Logan is home. Steve goes out for a smoke, and Logan comes out and tells him that he was so tired when he got home that he went for a nap... and oh by the way, the girlfriend is at the front door wondering if she can borrow a bike to get home fast.

Like we're stupid? What a fucking idiot.

So what to do? How to deal with it? Is grounding effective? We cannot govern the home when we are at work. He blatantly disrespected the noone in the house when noone is home rule.

Gah. I hate boys.

I'm NOT saying I like it

But apparently, it's running on the dreadmill that is killing me. I did my run today (4/1 x 6) outside again, in the sunshine, and it *swallow* wasn't so bad. Yes, my hips hurt, and I'm sure they will kill tomorrow, but with all I have on my mind, it was good to get out and exert myself. And it wasn't HALF as bad as Monday on the machine. I'm thinking I need to get out more.

Speaking of "all I have on my mind". Logan had to have an EKG today. Watching your child be hooked up to a heart moniter... not cool. The doctor listened to his heart today and said that it was beating irregular. He had collapsed in school today when standing in the hall. Just fell against a locker and slid down. The nurse felt his pulse was irratic, and his pupils were not responding in a way she liked. So they called me and dropped him off at the care clinic.

Then, we're ate the BioMedical Lab, and the EKG is being done, and the tech askes him about his pain. He tells her that today's was different, it was the first time he had that pain. The other pain is when he breathes too deep sometimes, it feels like his lungs are crushing his heart to his chest. Quote unquote. How long has this been happening she asks. A couple years, he responds. I'm sitting in the corner with huge eyeballs. This is the first I've heard about this, I tell the techie. Logan says "it always went away so I didn't think it was worth saying anything to anyone". Gawd!!

So because he's only 14, the test has to go to a pediatrician, and they will call us in a couple of days.

The waiting begins.

omg... SO fucking awkward

So, here we are in the living room. Picture it. Logan and Kirsten are sitting in my spot on the couch. Doug on the floor facing over the coffee table to the love seat, Grant facing the couch, and me on the loveseat. Somehow Grant, Doug and I go off on a tangent. We turn to the couch, only to see Logan completly lip locked with her. Completley lip locked with bodies as close as possible. Doug's reaction? Threw a book at him. The scene then consisted of death eyes glaring him down, with one enunciated word. "Inappropriate."

Doug's later statement: "I was raised that if you see something you haven't seen before, throw a rock at it. I look over and see my little brother making out. I've never seen that before. I didn't have a rock. I threw a book."

Gawd.

Fish and chipped, Dude. Seriously. I mean seriously. Dude.

Logan's Moment

Logan spent the night at a friends last night. He left me a note after the dance. It said:

Hey Mom, the dance was great. I got a new girlfriend. Her name is Kristen. We had our first kiss and a half hour later is was french kissing, so... I'm at Aarons.

LOL!!

158.4

Yep, you read that right.

I was posting to WW about my results and realized that I have not been in the 150's since 1989, when I lived on River Road and had my slut year. (Good year, that one).

Anyway, I'm in the middle of posting, figure that out, and burst into tears. 1989. That was 19 years ago. I am right now the skinniest that my sons have ever seen me (that Doug would remember).

I'm sitting here trying so hard not to bawl. I'm so afraid of going back and being a statistic. I can't do it. I have to keep at this. I cannot fail. I cannot do that to myself. I feel so good now. I feel womanly. I feel sexy. I feel noticed. I need to keep focused on those feelings and remember that I am WORTH IT.

I worked hard this week. I took a good honest look at my portions and listened hard for satisfaction from my body. I didn't keep eating because it was there. On core the challenge is knowing when you've had enough, and I do struggle a little bit with that. My body doesn't naturally sigh like it's supposed to. I think all that extra weight had stifled it. It's coming back, though. Slowly but surely. It's like Sam's doctor said. Your body had to adjust to the weight. It now has to adjust back. It's a slow procedure with aches and pains in the process, but it'll happen.

I'm so proud of me. I am .6 away from having lost 50 pounds. That is a huge amount of weight, and I've done it smart and healthy over a longish period of time. Statistically speaking, I'm definately on the right track. And because I'm so aware (read: afraid) of putting it back on, I know I won't.

Plus I have an amazing support circle. We have to keep each other accountable. It's about living healthy and living long. We need each other. I need them.

Okay, I'm getting seriously maudlin. It's just that I've been waiting for the 150's for weeks. I can't believe I'm here.