Friday Menu

Br: custard oatmeal made with milk
Lu: cottage cheese with brocslaw mixed into it, ground flax & my Frank's popcorn oil (yum!)
Sn: apple
Dn: Couscous with ham, avocado, tomato, Frank's & oil & a glass of milk
Sn: carrots

AP: 30 minutes hardcore step aerobics, 30 min dog walk, 40 minute walk uptown and back for coffee tonight

Grains: 2
Freggies: 4
Protein: 3
Oil: yep
Dairy: 2

I'm good! Got it all covered!

Rough Night

Man, I slept rough last night. Tossed and turned and obsessed.

But posting on WW I realized why I'm struggling so badly with this.

To give up the scale is a leap of faith. Faith in myself. Do I have what it takes to do this? Can I control my weight without the scale controlling it for me? Do I have the faith in myself to give up the scale?

Faith. Not something I have a lot of these days in other areas. Haven't had to apply it to myself like this before. It's a new concept. Not one I'm entirely comfortable with. Blind belief. It's the blind part I'm having problems with I think.

I know I have the tools. I know that I know what to do. I know what I need to move and how I need to eat and I know how many workouts I need to do. I can still track my AP, my nutrition and my measurements. All I would be giving up is one appliance. One tool out of the toolbox. Just one.

But it's the most important one of my journey so far. The one that has kept me going and kept me motivated and made me mad enough to kick my own ass into gear and rewarded me when I worked hard.

... omg. It's my mother. Seriously. It's the mother I didn't have growing up. What kind of Freudian sick bitch am I???????????????????????????? Why am I obsessed with the way the scale makes me feel??? Why do I work so hard to please it and stress at the thought of giving it up? Because it tells me when I'm having good behaviour and it gently scolds me when I'm not. It doesn't beat hell out of me, it just points out the error of my ways and sits back quietly without judging. And when I have good behaviour it quietly gives me my kudos and sits back and lets me celebrate. And the thought of giving up one of the healthy responses in my life scares me back to being a little kid. Except that it's not the scale reacting unhealthy, it's me obsessing over it's feedback.

Okay, I'm seriously fucked up. This took a bizarre turn, didn't it?? Because my childhood was so traumatizing and abusive I turn to anyone and anything, including inanimate objects for unconditional, non-judgmental feedback???

I mean, it's weird the panic I feel at the thought of giving up the number on the scale, but seriously??? Why did my fingers type this? Where did it come from? Is my subconcious thinking up excuses to NOT give it up? Or is this real in my mind? It just sounds so bizarre... and CRAZY.

Whoa. I need to think further on this.

I don't think I'll be posting this on the WW site. They really WILL think I need therapy. They don't know me and my ways of working things out. I just need to yatter it out, sort it, deal with it, and fold it neatly back away in a safe place.

Bear with my insanity, folks... I promise it won't last. I'm just figuring my way through, and you happen to be the recipients of my inner chatter.

A Crossroad...

I just got off the phone with Magda, then I read Nadine's reply to my Thursday Stress blog and see that my two healthy sheros are both telling me the same thing! I promised Mag I'd think on what she said, so I'm thinking here as I'm typing. Keep in mind, I'm mirroring what Magda said to me, just putting it into my own thoughts and words.

Stepping on the scale each week in the WW fashion is what I needed to do in the beginning of my journey to get into the mindset of being concious of where I am, what I'm eating, how I'm working my body and doing what I needed to do to lose the weight and stop being fat.Magda asked me if I feel good in my clothes. Yes, I do. I feel that I look good, and that I rock the clothes these days. She said "then what else matters?". I should put the scale away and step on it maybe once a month. She feels that I am at a crossroads and am entering the phase of my journey where obsessing over the scale will be detrimental, considering we're talking about half a pound or so a week. As Nadine said, Magda also pointed out that if I continue eating healthy, working out, and living my life, my clothes will tell me if I need to step it up, or cut it back. I don't need the scale anymore. I have the tools and the focus, and as I work out and continue eating properly, my body will tighten. If I want to obsess over numbers, obsess over the inches, not the weight.

When I told her that the thought of giving Sam my scale and asking her to keep it for me scares the shit out of me, she said that concerns her and tells her that I have an issue. The good news is that I have the personality that I recognize when things could possibly spiral out of control for me. Thus all these deep thoughts and posts. I do see my obsession with the scale becoming unhealthy. I could go in a bad direction with it and I recognize that.

But am I ready to give it up? I've spent a year and a half tied to the damn thing. Am I happy with my body? 90%. Am I happy with where I am? 90%. I love how I look in most clothes. I don't love how I look naked. However, I mostly like it. That's good. My BMI is still overweight, but Mag says "who cares". She says if you feel good, you feel healthy, you eat healthy regularily, you work out regularily, and your clothes fit you and make you look awesome, WHO CARES what the scale says. On the outside I'm all puffed up "ya, who cares!", but there's a little tiny voice inside squeaking 'um... I care!". Gah!

A crossroad to be sure... which way will I go? I need to ponder. I will think on it. I will WI on Saturday... and then I will consider putting my scale away.I said I'd think about it, and I will.

That's where I'm at tonight. We'll see what tomorrow brings.

Thursday Stress

I don't know why it is, but Thursday causes me major anxiety. I step on that damn scale every morning and it's always up (today was down to 148.6) and then on Thursday I do a harsh workout, Friday I don't step on the scale, and do very light workout, maybe just walking, all in prep for that Saturday moment of WI. It's crazy. For the next two days I won't eat any of my WP, or my AP. I eat so hardcore... but concious of getting enough calories in so my body doesn't hang on to the weight in starvation mode. I eat foods that will clear my bowels, in order to get as much weight off and out as possible.

You know... I'm really looking forward to maintenance when I won't have this stress. And it's only less than 20 pounds away. Thank god!!! Not exactly sure what that magical number will be... I'm having a difficult time NOT seeing fat everywhere on my body.

On that note... Steve actually got pissed at me the other day for pointing out fatty bits. I think he's worried that I'll become anorexic, or get unhealthy or something. And I can see how it happens. Erica took a pic of my leg to show me the muscle definition (btw, Erica, can you send that to me?). She showed me, and I was so blown away by the cellulite and fat that I couldn't look for the definition she was talking about. Is that unhealthy? I look in the mirror and admire the hell out of my waist, but cringe at the pouch (the one Sam calls the Kangaroo Pooch). Will that pouch ever go away?

I've become obsessed with staring at women's bodies, trying to define what IS normal in today's society, and for women my age. Although, for women my age, size 14 is average, and I don't want to be average. And most of the women my age I see on the streets have poor posture, extra pounds, or just look damn old. So I look to the younger ladies, but is that setting myself up for an unhealthy body image?

When is it going to be "good"? Really, I should be excstatic about the body I have today... but I'm still a size 10/12, and HAVE to get into the single digits. I'm also still at an "overweight" BMI, so I know that I still have to lose. Yet, as I was posting all those before pics on FB last night, I was so proud of where I am today... why isn't that enough? Why do I still obsess each week? Why do my emotions ride on that horrid little number?

And the most unfair of it all is that as I get closer to healthy, the weight will be harder to shed, and the stress level will rise. So unfair.

Speaking of the pics I posted on FB last night... Man, I love my husband. He came in as I was editing the posts on them and I'm so upset looking at them. I said to him, how come you let me out of the house like that? He says "how do you talk to a woman about her weight, there's no way to do it". And he's right. But I'm looking at those pics and seeing how happy I am and inside I'm thinking How the hell could I be so fucking happy when I looked so goddam horrible and fat and ugly and chinny and where the fuck are my eyes in all those rolls on my goddamn face how does THAT happen?

I know that sounds terrible, but I feel safe here telling you my inner thoughts, and I thank you for listening. It's just that I feel so incredible in my body today (outside of a couple of bad pockets of yuck) that it boggles my mind that I was OKAY with being so fucking huge. I was OKAY with it! In fact I was HAPPY. WTF??? I guess I can chalk it up to I never knew better. Because I was not a yoyo dieter, I never lost any, so never felt the sexy skinny, so didn't miss it. The last time I weighed this, I was 20. Yep, 20. Yeesh! How did I get so old?? But alas, that's another rant for another day.

Today's Fuel:

Br: leftover custard oatmeal w/ unsweetened applesauce (leftover cuz I stopped when satisfied yesterday YAY)
Lu: cabbage unrolls & milk
Sn: leftover swiss chard & yams
Sn: cottage cheese & fruit & ground flax
Dn: vegetarian chili & milk
Sn: popcorn

Water: 2L
AP: Yoga 50 min, walk the dog 30-60 min

Thanks for letting me ramble...

Wednesday's Plan

Today's menu (again, planning as I'm writing so bear with me):

Br: oatmeal custard (milk, oatmeal, cinnamon oil, with an egg thrown in at the last minute)
Lu: ham & spinach salad wrap
Sn: cottage cheese, fruit, ground flax (0 pts for 1 tblsp)
Sn: carrots
Dn: steak & swiss chard

Water: 2l
AP: 1/2 hour stepping, dog walk, 50 minutes yoga

Tuesday's Fuel

Hmmm... Planning as I write, so bear with me.

Br: Oatmeal
Lu: Wrap w/ ham, avocado, tomato, sprouts, brocslaw, mustard. (2pts)
Sn: cottage cheese, ground flax, strawberries
Sn: carrots
Dn: cabbage unrolls & salad
Sn: popcorn if I need it.

Protein - 3
Grains - 3
Freggies - 5
Oils - 3 (avocado, flax & oil on popcorn)

Okay, that looks good!

I sent out a link via email to a newsletter called "BrandAid". Really really informative. Right up my alley! If you didn't get it, google it if you are interested, or email me and I'll send you the link.

Today's Fuel

Br - oatmeal
Lu - fried egg sammich on WW bread w/ oily salad
Sn - plain yoghurt w/ ground flax & fruit
Sn - carrots
Dn - chicken burger w/ spinach salad

AP - walk the dog for an hour + 3 hours of dancing/stepping
Water - 2-3 litres

Great Weekend!

Besides the plethera of amazing people and their amazing children that came on Saturday, I had an awesome food weekend!!

Most weekends are a write off for me, and I allow myself to oink on shit I shouldn't but wth, it's the weekend. This weekend I did amazingly well. In fact, the only thing I ate that wasn't core was alcohol and a couple of crackers and a couple of small tastes of Brie! And even then it was just nips out of a Crown Royal bottle (yes, Cindy, you've converted me) while I chugged water all night.

Yesterday I had two snack attacks. So I had two different flavours of popcorn! Then dinner I was craving a burger SO bad... I figured I must be craving protein. So I made myself a huge (for me) cottage cheese yummy dish. So satisfying and tasty. And emotionally/psychologically satisfying, too!

I'm very proud of me.

Yeah, BABY!!

Down 2.2!! Apparently that number is contagious, and I'm more than happy to have caught it... lol!

Today I was at my lowest yet. 146.8! That's a BMI of 26.8. Considering I was at 153.2 on Monday, I'm doing the happy dance, lemme tell ya.

Today's Menu

B - 2 poached eggs, cottage cheese w/ grapes & cherries & ground flax seed (pts seeds)
L - hamburger spinach salad & couscous
S - yoghurt
S - carrot stix
D - Sashimi & Miso soup
S - popcorn

Water - 2-3 litres

AP - 1/2 hour step aerobics
- hour dancing

NSV

So, I was checking myself out in the mirror last night. I don't usually do that in front of Steve. However, he caught me last night doing it, and he says "lookin good there, baby". I'm all like "what do you mean?" He comes over and points out DEFINITION. He says he can see definition starting on my abs! And best of all? He's started working it, too. He does a routine of sit ups and pushups now. He's done it twice this week. Plus he's joining me on my dog walks.

LOVE it!

Best Dinner EVER

I fried the bejeebenies out of some hamburger & onions with a little oil (after draining it) and garlic powder. You know when you fry it so much, it's a little browned and crispy? Yum.

I sat in the garden and picked a bowl of spinach, and then learned how to harvest my cauliflower (which is SO sweet and delish!!). Back in the kitchen, I chopped up nice smaller bite size chunks of cauliflower, some avocado, and tomato.

Logan's wrap had meat & onions, ff Thousand Islands, fresh spinach & cauliflower.

Mine had meat & onions, avocado, tomato, fresh spinach & cauliflower.

SOOOO good!! The cauliflower adds a nice meaty chew to the sandwich, and the ground beef was so decadent tasting.

Merrit Mountain Music Festival. The jig is UP!!

What an AMAZING weekend! I feel rejuvinated, without a stress in the world. I went to bed at 7:30 last night and JUST woke up. Two solid days of drinking, dancing, and country music. Wow. Even our cousin Chantel, who is not a country fan, was dancing all night.

Wanna hear my weekend??? I'm gonna tell ya!

We left town at 3:30, hitting Starbucks & filling the gas (which when we broke it down between us ended up costing $18 each plus $5 each for toll... WOOT!!). We hit Chilliwack to find huge car accident that had happened at 1pm. Just before Vedder road, the traffic is crawling. But being the experienced commuter I am, I'm watching taillights. I realize that the ones AFTER the exit are not moving. Time to get off the number 1. Sam phones Andrew at home and asks him to mapquest how to get from the #1 to the #7 from Yale Road. He tells us (he's so fabulous!) and we are on our merry way. Beautiful drive through the country, then we get to Hope and we're off to Merritt!

We got up there 7:30, found our camping spot, realize we are less than two minutes away from the river. Niiiice. Set up camp takes 45 minutes, because Cindy bought the most skookum canopy I've ever seen. It folds out like an acordian. Sweet! Shade is our friend.

So we get all dolled up, and go hit the fairgrounds at about 9ish, and danced and danced and danced! We noodled back to camp, and Cindy says that she could hear them calling last call just before she fell asleep. We know it closed at 4:00am. Good long night!

Up at 8 because the sun does NOT let you sleep in! Fortunately, we don't wear watches up there so it's always a random time checking situation. Time for doghair! Mine this year was instant hazelnut coffee, with a scoop of coffee whitener, kalua & malibu. YUM!! Two of those to bring the blood alcohol level back up and I'm good to go! Go to the river, that is. We all get ourselves SPFed with the 50 stuff as a base and pack up our chairs, food, and booze and off we go. Cowboy hats and sunglasses & bikini's. I'll send you a pic later when I get them from Chantel (email me if you want)!

The river was... omg awesome! We were in it for about six hours. Laying in chairs, watching the wildlife (I love wildlife in cowboy hats, don't you?), drinking our faces off. Man I was HAMMERED in the river. I can't even begin to tell you how cathartic it is.

Back to camp for naptime. However, it turns out that even there I'm not a napper. So off I went for a drunken hike through the campgrounds. Then, in my brilliance I decide I need to climb the cliff, which has stairs cut into it. We did it last year and it was a huge feat to conquer (being 30 lbs heavier last year). I did it TWICE and felt FANTASTIC. And that was after dancing five hours the night before, having four hours sleep, and drinking for 24 hours straight! Yeah, baby!!

Back to camp and time to rouse the nappers. Dinner! And more alcohol. We meandered our way through eating, drinking, and getting ready for the party. Because Saturday night is the reason everyone is there. It's the motherload of parties.

Cindy and I were ready first and decided to go down to the fairgrounds and have a look around, maybe grab a bite. She had a hamburger, and I had a corndog that I bought from the most gorgeous boy... omg, he was so yummy. The corndog was, too! We realize that the party is about to start. Sarah Evans is onstage, and she is playing some pretty good dancing tunes. Looks like around 3000 are in the beergarden and it's starting to rock. Time to go wake the girls.

We get back to camp and Sam is ready to rock. Chantel is ready to lose her lunch. Her body is NOT liking the heat and dryness. She has been fighting naseau since we arrived. She goes to puke, comes back and says to go on without her. If she's feeling it, she'll join us, and if not, she'll just sleep. So after a few shots of crown with some cooler chasers, off we go!

Sam buys the best goddam $9 perogies she's ever had, lol. The energy returns, time to party!! Oh the dancing! Oh the drinking! Oh the fun!! It was probably around 10pm when we started dancing. Midnight, who should appear beside us on the dancefloor? Chantel!!! She woke up and felt better and came to join us! Awesome!!! And we danced and partied until the sun came up. Literally. The beer garden on Saturday night is the party to end all parties. After the concerts on the mainstage were done at midnight (they show them on a huge screen in the beer gardens), the live bands kick it up. Cindy's cousins LESTER were the first band and they ROCKED the house. The live bands stayed until 4:30, and then they just played tunes and we kept on dancing! It was about 6:30 when I finally made it back to camp.

Little bit of sleep, lots of water, and we packed er in. Loaded up the van and headed for Hope and the Home Restaurant. I had the best chef salad, a vanilla milkshake and coffee. omg it was SO good. Then headed for home. As soon as I got here, I cracked a cooler and unloaded the van.

I still have not unpacked a damn thing. My husband washed all my clothes... he's so awesome! I'm now so incredibly hung over I can't even tell you... water and sleep. Maybe laying in the sun and baking the alcohol out. Not sure.

Good times. This is the one weekend (formerly week) that I get to go out and spend quality time just being a woman. And this year it was a sexy woman who attracted a LOT of male attention. It was AWESOME!!! And it rejuvenates me so much. I think we all need to have that. That place where we can go and NOT be a wife or mother, but just be a woman, feeling like a woman. I cannot even begin to tell you what this weekend did for my self esteem. I feel like a hot, sexy bitch.

I like it! THE JIG IS UP!!!!

Shopping

So last night I had to do a bit of grocery shopping, and I was on the wrong end of town so I popped into Save-On. The main thing on my list was FF cottage cheese, and there are only two brands I love, Dairyland and Lucerne. Lucerne was way on the OTHER end of town. Dairyland it is!

Well first I discovered that Dairyland is almost a dollar cheaper! And it wasn't even on sale! Saved $4 right there.

My second discovery: Sam had mentioned Squirrely bagels. So here I am, standing in the bread aisle, looking for WW bagels. Damn... they don't carry them. But oh, look! There's Squirrely Bagels! NI Calories: 210, Fat 4, Fibre 8.4. Beside them is the same brand, but it's their Flax Seed Bagels. Hmm. My eye doctor had just given me a huge speech about how a study in Germany had found that Flax Seed had increased eye moisture in aging women (men, too, but I don't care about them, lol). I'm supposed to get more Flax in my diet. What's the NI? Calories: 200, Fat 2.5, Fibre 9. Even better!

I had one this morning, and they are so light and tasty! Not dense like bagels usually are. And when I plugged them into the calculator? 2pts!! The same as a WW bagel, but WhOOOOO HOOOOO better!!

I've even written to the company, I'm so impressed with their products.

Silver Hills Bakery... pass it on!

WI... up .6

... to 149.2.

Sigh.

Damn excercise and muscle building. Should I scale back?

oh my GOD!!

... do my quads hurt!! I thought they were bad YESTERDAY. Today they are worse, and what's more, my glutes have decided they need to be heard, too.

I'm seeing a whole smurfload of A5-35 in my future, yes I am. Buy stock, people. I'm tellin ya.

Here's my menu today:

Br: Egg-el (WW bagel 2pts, egg white, ff cheese, 1/8 avocado, light mayo 1 pt)
Lu: crab, couscous, hot sauce, broccoli, glass of milk
Sn: cottage cheese & apple
Dn: roasted turkey thigh over salad
Sn: popcorn w/ healthy oil

I received an email about Splenda, from FormerFatGuy.com. I've been contemplating cutting it out of my life, and after reading that newsletter, I definately am. I cannot reasonably logic myself into poisoning my body when I'm working so hard to get healthy. Education is a dangerous thing... lol. It's one thing to live/eat/breathe in ignorance, but now that I have been educated, I just cannot bring myself to choose to continue ingesting it. It seems ridiculous to me.

Of course, it cannot necessarily be avoided completely. I will still want the occasional diet pop or whatever, but I'm not going to be having it in my tea or on my popcorn anymore. I'll need to find a healthier alternative. I'm leaning towards demorara (sp?) sugar, which seems to be the alternate of choice. Or honey where usable (definately not on popcorn, lol).

Here's my quandry... I have a ton of splenda left over. I'd hate to waste it, but I can't in good concious say "Hey Sis, I'm not poisoning myself with this shit anymore... want it?" LOL

Not sure what was going to be for dinner tonight.

"not sure yet" ended up being Red Robins. Although, I have to admit, I did pretty damn good.
I ate:
- half of a cheese stick (ya, 1/2!!)
- a sip (literally) of banana milkshake (one taste tastes like the rest, I told myself)
- honey mustard chicken burger, but I took off the top bun which deleted the mayo, and ditched 1/3 of the bottom bun, too.
- five french fries

All together it was 16 points. Considering what it COULD have been? I'm totally happy with that.

Ouchie, I'm sore!!

I gave myself a killer workout last night!! I ran for 10 minutes, then spent 20 minutes going back and forth on a soccer field. Side steps, skipping, and lunges. My quads are KILLING me!!!

Then I get home to find that the dogs still need their walk. Gah! That was the LONGEST walk around the block EVER!!

Oh boy, did I earn me a gold star on the calendar!

As I Suspected

I'm up this week. But I believe it's because my body is just regulating itself. I've had losses every week for something like five weeks. I'm excercising a ridiculous amount. I'm building muscle. I'm thinking I'm okay with this... lol.

I'm going to get someone to meaure me today. I'll post the results... stay tuned!

Oh, current weight as of today 148.6

New Challenge!

I am going to SO rock this!

I've just joined a challenge on the Less to Lose Board.

By August 1st I will:
- lose five pounds
- earn 96 AP

Yes, I will!!

Saturday WI

I'm feeling like the boy who cried wolf... once again I said that I wasn't expecting a loss, and I lost! Since joining the Canada Day Challenge on this board, I've really been working the program (I've learned that maintenance is going to be a snap for me, I was stagnant for so long... lol). I've lost five pounds just in the month of June so far!

Today's loss was .8 which brings me to a BMI of 26.9. WHOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!! I'm so close to being in the normal rate, I can TASTE it... and you know what? It DOES taste better than those muffins, cakes, chips did!!

Today is a New Day

Okay, TOM is over and it's game on!

Today's menu:

Br: 1/2 cup swiss meusli, egg bagelwich.
Lu: couscous, leftover veggies, ham, tomato, oil, hotsauce.
Sn: pear
Dn: core chili
Sn: popcorn? frozen grapes? mandarin orange?

Water: half done my second litre today.
Activity: walk Oscar later, did an hour of dancing this morning, and an hour of step aerobics.

All week I've avoided the scale, cuz I felt all bloated and puffy. Even my clothes weren't fitting well. Thought it was in my own best interest to avoid up until yesterday. Then I stepped on, cuz I like torturing myself that way... and it read 152.2. Gah!! But then this morning it was down to 149.4. More like it!

omg omg omg omg omg omg

GUESS WHAT???? I FOUND A PAIR OF SHORTS THAT NOT ONLY CAN I WEAR, BUT THEY LOOK HOT... ... ... to ME!!!!!!

Blah...

TOM week and I feel like poop.



That is all.

My real WI

148.0

That's down 1.8 from last week.

Glory Be, I can SEE

So yesterday, could I have BEEN more nervous? Doubt it. All the way there I had to do labour breathing. In the mall, I destracted myself with nose ring shopping, then had a light lunch at the food court, once again bypassing Arby's (I'm SUCH a good girl). Old me would have used the excuse and eaten crap. New me didn't want my belly rebeling in the doctor's office... lol.

The great thing is that they give you an Atavan before your appointment. Miraculous Ninja Butter fly Killer should be its pseudanm. Seriously. I wasnt worried AT ALL after that. Moments before my surgery I asked for a glass of water, and the OR nurse asked me why. I told her I wanted to take one of the T3's they give you BEFORE the pain. She called me brilliant.

The surgery itself was weird, but seriouly only lasted about a minute on each eye, including prep, cut, laser, and refolding. The laser itself was 11 seconds. Unbelievable.

They provide you with 2 T3's and 2 sleeping pills and suggest you sleep the day away if you can.

Steve picked me up a subway sandwich on the way home. I ate that, had a glass of milk, took the other T3 and both sleeping pills and went to lay down. An hour later I got back up, took another T3 and a Sleepe-eze-D. That did the trick. I woke up at 5am after a great 12 hours of sleeping and healing.

This morning I can see! My eyes feel a little dry and kinda like there is something in one of them. I have a follow up at 8:45.

Friday the 13th

So why on EARTH did I schedule my eye surgery on Friday the 13th???? Oh yeah, cuz I'm not superstitious... LOL.

Serious ninja butterflies in my tummy. Serious. I woke up at 3:30am in a tizzy and had to read to calm myself down.

I did my WI this morning, just to see, in case Steve order's pizza tonight (that's his idea of 'making' dinner). Good news! I was at 149.6lbs. That's only down .2, but considering I honestly thought I'd be back up to 150, I'm so fantastic with that!!

Wish me luck today. I'm going to need it NOT to barf on Dr. King. Better yet, wish HIM luck.

Further thoughts...

I'm really struggling with the "accepting who I am today as my current reality". But not in a bad way. I know that it's a process, it's just completely unchartered territory for me.

As I say that, I think to myself that once again I find myself ahead of others in my experience and wishing that someone was a step ahead of me so that I could ask advice, opinions and questions of them. I know that others went through this long ago, but it's the "here and now" questions and thoughts that I wish I had help with. Of course, nothing I can articulate now, because I'm TRYING to think of stuff... lol.

I am finding a couple of people on the WW boards are going through the same mental process' I am, which helps. I think I might check out a different board, though. The "less to lose" board maybe.

I just realized how conceited that sounded... which is NOT what I meant. I guess what I mean is that I'm finding myself really loving my body and the way I look today vs yesterday, and I don't hear that from my people around me about themselves, so feel kinda alone on this step. And while I don't really care what other people think, I do know that some would consider me "changed" or "vain". And the reality is I have changed, and I am vain. But I don't think it's a bad thing. I've worked damn hard to change and I've earned feeling proud.

Damn... does this make sense to anyone else but me??

Introspective (Is that the right word?)

This is gonna get deep, folks.

I just spent time on FB looking at pictures of myself. I really sat and looked, because you know what? I didn't really know what I looked like.

I've looked at so many pics of myself over the last year. More pictures than probably the other 38 years put together. However, most are a glance long enough to decide whether it needs to be deleted or can stay. However, looking at the pictures from Jessie's 19th, with the horizontal stipes (I know I keep going on about it, but wow that' huge to me!) I realized that I do look different. I'm a completely different looking person than I was a year ago, even.

Looking at these current picture, though, I realized that the dramatic changes are done. THIS is what I'm going to look like for the rest of my life. Well, you know what I mean. Do you? I'm kinda lost, thus the long blog. I'm facing my next chapter... in the mirror.

I've been working toward something for months and months. And I've arrived. I have been working towards being healthy, and that's what I am today. I eat well. I excercise almost daily. I live an intentionally Core life, in food and in other ways. I'm going more and more natural. Natural hair colour. Totally toned down the makeup, and don't even wear any for days at a time. But think I actually look okay that way in this body. In the fat body I just looked pasty and sick. Now I'm healthy!

I look forward to getting the last bit off, then maintenance. I'm gonna totally rock maintenance. I can eat this way the rest of my life EASY, because I like the way this feels.

((I warned you it was going to get deep!))

Feeling OP, but have to go grocery shopping!

Man, I'm struggling for Core snacks right now. A bit ago I ate a pickle, cuz I need groceries so bad... lol. I see Safeway in my future!

This was the second day of my dancing regime while making calls. It went pretty good! But I think I'm tired... it seems like it's been a very active week. Between the dancing, situps, and dog walking, I'm moving most of the time now. For my lunch break I slumped on the couch and read a book for an hour. Bliss!

Tonight I shop, then take Oscar for a walk, and then I am relaxing.

I popped on the scale again today (why? Why??) and it read 150.4. TOM is this weekend, so I know I won't retain my 140's status, but I'm really trying!! Despite wanting to scarf a big ol' chocolate bar, preferably Coffee Crisp (it's a nice light snack!).

Damnitall. Skinny feels better than Coffee Crisp tastes!!

Today it's Fun!

I'm having a good day so I thought I would post about it.

Here's my menu:

Br: cow & blueberries
Lu: Kolbassa wrap (pts)
Sn: pear
Dn: salmon with cool salad
Sn: frozen grapes

Water: 2 litres
AP: see below

So, the last two days have been very energetic for me. Last night when I took Oscar for a long walk, my legs were killing me. So I'm taking it easy today. I'll take Oscar out for 1/2 hour walk around the block. However, I have a hard time NOT moving, now that I'm smaller!! Weird, I know.

As you know, I sit in front of the computer ALL day making phone calls. Usually I do sit ups and crunches the whole day (started doing this last week). I figure I'm on the damn ball, might as well take advantage of it, right?

So today, I turned on the radio so I have it in the background, and I've kicked the ball out of the way. When I'm dialing and on hold, I'm dancing! Makes my day go by faster, and is fun! And who knows how many AP I'm creating. Enough to feel good, anyways.

No reason this has to be a drudge, this journey. I'm all about making it fun!!

Nice Kick Start to my Week!

Went to the track with Sam, Andrew & fam. It was great! I did 3 miles, which is 4.8km. But the great thing is that I ran 4.03 of those km without stopping!! Go me!!

I was on my second lap, and contemplating when I should take a walk break when a conversation I had with the sweeper on my 10k came to mind. When I told her I usually run 10/1 she said you eventually reach a point where you might as well just keep running. And when I did that 10k it wasn't that first 4 km that I ran that killed me, it was the 6km AFTER that.

So I feel like I have a great start to my week! Gold star for me!!

GoodBYE 150s!!

Today the scale reads 149.8 lbs.

WOOT!!!

Next week is TOM, so it may be fleeting... lol, but I'll own it anyways! And I'll be working hard to get even further down to counteract the bloating, so if there IS a gain next week, it won't be forever!

Check this out...

Doug and I are shopping and I'm trying on these tops. There were all different colours and patterns and he was helping me decide which one I wanted. One had horizontal stripes. We liked it and as I headed back into the changeroom I said "but it has horizontal stripes". Doug responds, "yeah, they aren't always a good thing, but you're past the point of that mattering, because it didn't even register".

Woot!!!

I may actually live...

I'm definately on the mend now. I'm eating real food today. Not much of it, but it's not liquids. My head is almost cleared of cotton. Thank Gawd!!

Br: 1/2 cup cream of wheat w/ 1 tsp br sugar (pt)
Lu: leftover chicken dinner
Sn: popcorn w/ 1 tsp each margarine & olive oil, splash of vanilla & 1/2 tsp splenda
Dn: Creamy ham pesto casserole (core)

I'm able to drink water today (yesterday it hurt my stomach). I haven't excercised yet, because I just don't have the energy. Tomorrow I'll do a 30 minute meander on the dreadmill.

Not sure how the scale will react to all of this, but I'm not worried about it. It will even itself out in the long run. This is life, and sometimes it gets in the way, but that's the journey isn't it? Dealing with what life throws us and moving forward in a positive, solution oriented manner.

Game on!

Sooo Sick.

So, I had SO much fun at Cindy's 40th!! Ate all kinds of good and bad things. I was totally proud of myself for not having a chicken wing, even though I wanted one soooo badly. I had to win over something, dammit... lol.

By the end of the night my stomach was rolling with how much I ate, and I'm sooo glad I wasn't drinking! Especially since it turned out I had the flu. Yup, at 3am, there I was hugging the toilet. After a night of it, I thought it would be a lark to stand on the scale. I got down to 148.6. I'm tellin ya, I was SICK!

I'm better today, not throwing up anymore, just really really weak.

What Happens When You Work It??

It works!!!!

I have been completely committed this week. I've worked out five times. I've been completely Core. I've watched my caloric intake and output. I've drank my water. I've taken my vitamins. I've been awesome... and I've lost 2 pounds!! Yeah, baby!!!!

Doug and I ended up in a huge talk the other night all about Weight Watchers. He has a friend who's mom tried WW and lost a little weight then gained it all back. This friend was wondering why it worked for me and not his mom. So Doug came and asked me.

It was a great conversation. When I have those talks, it completely rejuvinates me and reminds me of why I'm here. I'm not sure what he's taking back to his friend, but after an hour or so of talking, going through to Core list, explaining the concepts, why's and wherefores, it came down to this... the program works if you work it vs manipulating it. Doug came away from that evening understanding completley that WW is an education, not a diet. And that if that's not how you are thinking about it, then you will most likely, statistically, fail. He also understood where the emphasis was in that statement. The YOU. Because the program works. YOU just need to work it.

I'm so totally jazzed. I'm so happy to be where I am today. 152.2 lbs, and down a notch on the BMI scale. Today I hit 27.8 and I'm stoked!

Weird note: Sam caught the other day when I was talking about my weight and I said "Today I'm 195". She jumped on it "NO you are NOT", and I blinked, not sure what I had said. Freudian, huh? Well then this morning, I'm happy dancing around the scale and I sang out loud "I'm 192... NO i'm NOT". WTF, dude? When is my brain going to catch up to my body?? Bizarre, huh?

Last night I was hanging out with friends. They decided to order dinner. Pizza and Chinese food were being bandied about. Then of course the pressure started. "You have to stay for dinner". They were being so awesome about finding something "I could eat". I ended up leaving and coming home to eat. I knew the pressure when the food got there would be too much. So I made a choice. I came home and made a wicked salad with salmon and was really happy for it.

As I'm always saying, it's all about choices, isn't it??

Yummy

I just had the juiciest pear! Why don't I eat them more often??

I'm not working out today. Day of rest!

Completely OP today, though.

Woot!

Another Star for Me

I went for an hours walk tonight. More of a meander, but man it sure took it out of me. This run I did on Sunday sure did a number on me!!

I'm going to go make me some popcorn and rest my sorry butt on the couch.

I'm kicking my butt this week. Three gold stars on the calendar so far!

30 minutes and POOPED!!

Holy shit.

I just got off the treadmill. I walked for 30 minutes to get my legs moving. I set it for 2.8 mph and it almost killed me. Which is hilarious because usually I walk at 3.5 and can go for hours.

I am now feeling the urge to spend the rest of the day on the couch... and I'm giving in to it.

Yup yup I am!

I did it... and that's IT!!

Holy fucken FUCK was that 10k TOUGH!! Waaaay harder than the Sun Run. Sun Run was through fairly level streets. Vistas Run was up and down ravines and hurdling logs in the freakin forest!!

The good news is that because of a comedy of errors at the start of the race, I pushed a LOT harder than I was planning on doing and beat my Sun Run time by one minute. This one I did in 1:14.

And it totally cured me of doing 10k's in the country. Never again. I came out of the Sun Run pumped and looking for my next challenge. I came out of this one pissed off and tired. No more for me. My running will be at my own pace, when I want to. I'll probably keep doing the Sun Run, but that's about it.

But hey... if you want a REALLY gorgeous walking / hiking route, Kanaka Creek Park is amazing!

Today's WI

It's a great one! Down one full pound!

I know it would have been more if I hadn't stuffed my face last week with cupcakes, beer & bbq. But the good news is that I worked my ass off this week and it paid off! Imagine what NEXT week will be like!!

I just read the most amazing blog post from a woman who has lost oodles of weight. She has chips and m&m's in her car that she was planning on eating tonight after eating the same this morning. She's bingeing and she confessed on her blog to get herself under control.

I cried. That was me. That still could be me if I let it. I'm not strong and I beat hell out of myself sometimes for it. The cupcakes are a prime example. "I'll have one" I thought when I bought the half dozen. Yeah, no... I ate them all. And I knew I would.

But guess what... I'm human! And so is everybloodyone else out there! I'm NOT alone. This woman's blog inspired me to be a better me. She showed me that I'm not only not alone, I'm also not a freak.

I've joined the Six Week's till Canada Day challenge on the Core Boards. I'm going to lose ten pounds in this six weeks.

You watch... ☺

Great Day Yesterday!

I had SUCH a great day! Susan met a new friend at the hairdressers a few weeks back and they were chatting about Weight Watchers. Turns out that Rosmary is doing Core online. So Susan invited her to join us on our walk around the Sea Wall. Amber ended up joining us, too!

So the four of us made our way from Georgia & Denman all the way around the sea wall, and ended up at Tan Popo for all you can eat sushi. YUM! I tried some new things. Some were good (tempura yams) some not so much (terriyaki chicken sushi). The salmon sashimi was beautiful. Then we went for cupcakes. I made the fatal error of buying a six pack AND one to eat. So I ate my one, then on the way home I snarfed another one. Then when I got home I had to try a piece of each one to see what they tasted like. Which led to more bites, which ended up with me probably eating a full five cupcakes when you add them all together. Yeesh!

Then I got a call from Kyros and walked down to his place. Drank some lite beer with clam and played an awesome game of badminton. Steve joined us with the dogs, and we hung out for a bit, then walked home. All together I figure that I walked for about 18 km yesterday. And that does not include the badminton activity. No wonder my hips are a bit sore! Although, I sure needed to in order to counteract those damn cupcakes.

Starting tomorrow I've made a commitment. I'm determined to lose the rest of this. No more complacency! Here is what I committed to:

... excercise at least four times a week. (I can do that)
... be more dilligent with comfort levels. (It's hard, but I can do that)
... get into a routine, and live it Monday to Friday. (I've almost perfected it)
... stop making choices that I know I am not going to enjoy, that just aren't worth it. (for instance the stupid cupcakes )

When I do these things, I have results that move in the right direction, both on the scale and off. I have not been doing 100% on these things... Probably 60 - 70%.

If I kick it up 10%, what would that break down to? ... okay, how about this: I also commit to adding 30 seconds of jumping jacks, three times, to my day. (gulp, ... I can do that)

OW!!

I've had a great week off work, and took advantage of that time to do some pretty cool working out.

Monday I ran and then powerwashed my house.
Tuesday I rested.
Wednesday I did my step aerobics tape on my new step. Here's the thing, though... I didn't realize that my step was on it's highest setting. I did the entire workout, which I haven't done since November or earlier, on EXPERT.
Thursday I puttered with arms and abs all morning, because my calves were screaming.

And now it's Friday. And here I sit with my calves coated in A535, in hopes that it will stop the seizing and allow me to go for a run. Seriously, the pain!! My calves are balls. Just to touch them to put the cream on was unbelievable!

I can feel the cream working, though, so I will definately be going out running today.

As for my eating... fair to middlin. This being at home thing is really difficult, and I have to really work on my choices. I do about 90% great, and then have something not so great. Like yesterday was completely Core, then Logan and I were out and I was hungry so we split a panini and a bowl of Italian Wedding soup. Wednesday I had a happy face cookie from the Haney Bakery. I don't even remember what I did on Tuesday. Not huge things, but something each day.

I'm actually looking forward to working again, so I can find a new routine that works.

Back At It

So since I only have four weeks until my next 10k, I figured I better jump back into that there saddle. This is the 2nd workout for week 10 of the training program. I figured this would be a great place to start, since it puts me at the timeline for the run.

Warm-up: Walk slow and easy for 5 min.
Run 4 minutes. Walk 1 minute. Do this 9 times.
Cool-down: Walk slow and easy for 5 min.

Yeaaah, except that I haven't had a good run SINCE the Sun Run last Sunday! I made it to 7 sets and called it a night.

It was pouring rain, and I was drenched. By the time I got home (walking the cool down) I was freezing.

Weight Loss Update

I don't know why I was nervous of WI this morning, but I wasn't feeling very confident. WRONG.

I'm down 2.6 this week!! The scale read 153.8!!

Stats:

Weight: 153.8
BMI: 28.1
Percentile: 53rd % (this means I'm 3% above the average weight at my age and height)
% of Body Weight Lost to Date: 26.1
Total Lbs Lost to Date: 54.2

Fuckin A!!!

Argh!

Nothing like running into an old friend at the track who wants to yabber which cuts into your running time when you're on a curfew. Argh!!

One would think...

You know, funny thing... one would think that if one ran a 10k on Sunday, that on Tuesday, a long run would be a breeze. But one would be sadly, sadly mistaken.

After dinner tonight I got dressed for my run. It's a balmy 13 degrees out, so I'm dressed in shorts and a T. Running belt on. Watch set. This time, because I'm not training yet for the 10k on May 25th, I decided to do something a little different. I set my watch for 37 minutes (random, but whatever). I thought "I'll go as far as I can for 37 minutes and then make my way back home, for a nice long run". At about the time that the watch had counted down to 24 minutes, I realized that there was no way in hell that I was going to be able to do this. My muscles were already screaming in protest.

So, all told, I went for a run that lasted 37 minutes, with a few little walkie breaks in there. There were moments I thought my hamstring was going to seize up, but I worked through it with some stretches and walking.

So apparently the body is tired after a 10k. Who knew?

Sun Run!!

First, is it normal to feel a let down? All these 13 weeks of intense focus... Done. Weird.

The day was incredible. Sunny and cold. Froze my ass off (actually, my ears, but who's counting) in the morning waiting for the race to begin. Then we were off! It was AWESOME!!

I had set my watch to run 8/1, but ended up barely using that. Because crowds of people, you were forced to walk a couple of times, so skipped the next walk cycle... that sort of thing. It was WAY easier than I expected it to be.

I was super glad to have had bites of bagel in my running belt. I chewed them down at 7km, and felt like superman. I finished strong!

I did not time myself, so I'll have to wait until the paper is published tomorrow to see if I made my goal of 90 minutes, but I know it was close. Above all else, I'm super proud of myself because I made a commitment, dedicated training, and completed the mission.

I feel like a real live athlete!!

Run Update!

Oh yeah! I almost forgot! I had a great run last night. Really helped me to clear my head of all the negative energy, and focus on being results oriented.

10/1 x 4 with five front and back.

Magda gave me some great advice on stretching excersizes and core building techniques to alleviate my back pain. It's helped already after just one day!

So I'm back, baby! Ready for the Sun Run!!

Hmmm

I think I'm happiest that when I talk to Andrew tonight, I have positive news to relay to him.

When I look from his point of view, it must be very difficult to be a parent from such a distance and feel so helpless. He cannot do a damn thing to help Logan in his daily life, so to have to hear nothing but negative, well, I would hate it.

Knowing that I can talk to Andrew about the solutions in place, and Logan's mature attitude about having a plan... I am no longer dreading that conversation.

The Good News is...

We had a great meeting with Logan last night. Steve and I met with him and had a conversation around current reality, what the goal is, and the steps that he needs to take to get there.

Current Reality: Not attending classes, hanging with Curtis, getting a start on the grades situation, owes 350 for the camera, owes 200 for the bike, feels like the weight of the world is on his shoulders and is suffering guilt stress stomach aches.

Goal: Pulled up grades so passing with good marks. Stopped hanging around with Curtis, because he's bad news. Payed off both debts. Feel great because did the right things and are on track to a great career.

Steps that Need to be Taken:

- Talk with Curtis and let him know that relationship is done (already done yesterday)

- Already has a good start on the homework situation. Had a good week of catching up, and feels productive. Will maintain the momentum.

- Will attend class today in the morning (it's a non instructional day) to make up missed time.

- Will attend breakfast club Tues and Thurs from 7:30 - 8:30 to make up missed time.

- Use the planner to map out school projects. Use math skills. If project is due in two weeks, figure approximately how long it will take to complete, and divide those hours by eight days (figuring Friday, Sat & Sun can be project free days) and to budget time to get projects done and done well enough to have a great grade.

- Applying for yard work job around the corner from school, to pay off debts.

- Taking $40 earned tonight and walking down to Aaron's and handing 20 to Aaron's very angry father. He is to say "I promise to pay for the bike, and this 20 is the start to show my commitment to you". He will do the same with the school librarian on Monday with the other 20.

The good news is that it was a very positive meeting, and Logan tells me that he already feels tons better because now he has a plan. He doesn't feel lost in a pit.

He also knows that if he finds himself backsliding, that I will transfer schools.

Banging my head on the desk...

So Logan's principal just called to tell me that Logan is in his office. His pants and shoes are wet because he fell in the creek when he was running from the manager of Dollar Giant as she was chasing him after a shoplifting incident.

What?

Yes, he was in Dollar Giant during third period.

What?

He said he had an upset stomach and had to go to the clinic, but he phoned the clinic and they have no record of Logan having been there.

What?

And he's been pretty upset since the whole camera thing... oh you dont' know about the camera thing? (logan in the background saying: i'm pretty sure I told her). You see, Logan borrowed a video camera from the library and has apparently misplaced it.

What?

Yep.

So I asked the principap straight out, was Logan with Curtis? Yes he was. Of course he was! This is the kid I just talked to Logan about and told him that I felt he was bad news and that I didn't want Logan hanging out with him.

This of course was after Curtis apparently stole Aaron's bike out of our back yard, and now Aaron's dad wants Logan to reimburse him $400 to replace it.

Logan's life is going to shit. He's failing four of his classes. He's just making really shitty decisions. I'm feeling a little overwhelmed by it all right now. I will have to phone and tell Andrew what's going on, but what good will that do? He's not here to help parent his kid.

sigh

So far so good....

So most of you have ascertained that Doug is again living at home. It's going to be one hell of an adjustment, lemme tell ya. Steve is a little closed minded to the fact that Doug is an adult, and I cannot give him a cerfew. Last night he says "what time is Doug coming home". I said, "he might not be". Steve says "haven't you laid rules down about that?" C'mon, the kid is 21. I'm not going to tell him that he has to be home before dark, for crissakes.

Many have asked, but really I'm not sure what happened that Doug needed to come stay with us. I have learned not to ask questions. If I ask, and I know what's going on, I stress about it. I can not change anything in his life. So I figure if I don't know, I can't stress about shit I can't change, and I'm happy then. And really, my world revolves around my happiness, so I'm good with it. I know that if there was something I could help with, he'd come and talk to me. So until then...

Doug will be staying with us for a couple of months. Yesterday was the first day and there is water testing happening. He's really trying hard to fit in. He prepped dinner for us, emptyed the dishwasher and reloaded it. He's being very helpful.

The only hiccup, if I can even call it that was that Ashlee was over. I had said that I did not want his friends hanging out at our house. Period. So imagine my suprise when I come home from work to find company over on the FIRST day. I quietly took him aside and reiterated what I had said. His response at first was "she's only been here an hour". To which I replied "I specifically said that I did not want this house to be a hang out for your friends, then I come home from work after a long day, Steve wakes up from his nap, and someone is hanging out here? You can see why that would be bothersome, can't you?" He saw my point of view and we were able to come to a mature understanding.

One of the many things I love about Doug is that he can be easily communicated with if you explain facts and feelings to him. He's very sensitive that way.

I'm thinking this will be okay... for a while. Definately a time limit, though. Otherwise it could be ugly... lol.

Next week is it!

5/1 x 7 with 5 on each side.

Twas a lovely night for a run. Clear skies. Sunglasses on.

I was trying to be cautious with my foot placement, and sucking in my abdomen in order to not put too much pressure on my lower back. It's been hurting all day, and very uncomfortable sitting. When I blogged on the fitness forum on WW they suggested it could be either my shoes or my gait, and to strengthen my core.

Today's Lesson Brought to You by Cottage Cheese!

Today's lesson is this: if you plan on running EAT SOMETHING!

I was let out of work early, so didn't get to eat my cottage cheese. So I thought to myself "Self? Tell ya what we are going to do. We are going to go to the Farmers Market, then go home and prep dinner, eat the cottage cheese, go for the run, come home and cook dinner." We thougth it was a great plan. And it would have been! If I'd remembered the damn cottage cheese.

It wasn't till I was half way down Dewdney when my tummy chose to remind me. I waffled for a few steps, but this nights workout is a real easy one. 4/1 x 6 with 5 on each side. 40 minutes? No problem! Except I was ravenous by the time I got home and coulda ripped Steve's head off for starting dinner four minutes after I asked him to. The nerve!!!

Needless to say, I ate my cottage cheese, apologized to my husband, and came to blog.

Great Run!

So, I did the PoCo Trail today. 8/1 x 6, with 5 on each side.

Turns out my pedometer is not calibrated right. When I was done it said that I did 6 k, but there are k markers along the trail and when I put it to the test, it fell really short. So after I was done I drove the path. Turns out I did 8.8k!!

This tells me that doing the Sun Run will be a snap (so to speak... lol) as this was an "easy volume" week.

Outside Again

And it was awesome.

5/1 x 9 with 5 each front and back. It was tougher than it should have been, what with my bowels so backed up. Damn chili & bananas.

Okay TMI coming! You've been warned!

The WW ladies were right... tons of water, and some heavy excercise FILLED the toilet when I got home. My tummy feels less pressured, but still kinda sore. I don't think it's done yet. Unbelievable.

All seems to be well on the teenager front. Kinda freaky. Scares me when things are going so well.

Pffffft!!!

Had a long day, with a workshop tonight. Didn't get home till 9, and jumped on the treadmill. Hated it. Did only four runs then walked for a total of 50 min / 4.8 km. Fucking hate running on the treadmill. Will not be doing that every again. Walking is fine, and quite enjoyable with the right tv show to focus on. However, I missed the air, the not sweating my bag off, and the focus internally that I can do outside. Right now I'm a sweaty bag of shit and not happy.

Wow, I impressed myself!

10/1 x 6 with 5 min each side warm/cool.

This was actually a lot easier than I thought it was going to be. The hips are sore, but not near what they would have been without Magda's sage advice.

And I finally calibrated my pedometer, so my accurate reading for tonight was ... 8.1 km!! Yay me!!

I'm such a Trooper!!

Despite still having very sore calves, out I went for my run today!

4/1 x 9 with 5 min walk on each end.

I'm such a superwoman, too. I came home, threw dinner in the oven, and prepped the fresh green beans, set the timer, and out for a run I went. All Steve had to do was nuke the rice and serve. Ta da!! Damn I'm good!

Just came back from Lindsay's. She gave me a super haircut in preperation for the big colour job. Dum dum dum!! Goin back to natural!

I'm wondering when I'll get my next run in... what with traveling and all.

Oh, and I've decided to change my schedule up. I'm going to do my runs on Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday. That way my big one is definately during the day, and I only take up two of my week nights. Running as soon as I get home while it is still light out has been actually not awful.

Well, Steve is watching stoopid hockey, so I'm gonna surf around for a while, then maybe go for an epson salts bath. Mmmm, yeah, that's TOTALLY what I'm gonna do!!

Ow, Ow Ow, OUCH!!

Last night I did 8/1 x 7 with 5 min on each side warmup walk. Yikes! By the end I was so sore. My hips are screaming in protest today. Every time I get up, they are so stiff and sore! I'm walking like a 90 year old for crissakes... lol.

It was lovely running in the sunshine, though. I went out as soon as I got home, and Steve made dinner. I wonder how often I can get away with that? hee hee hee.

It was nippy, though, holy cow! My extremities were ice by the time I got home!!

I'm looking forward to Chinese tonight, then Biggest Loser. Woot!

OMG that was FUNNY

Did anyone see what Magda wrote on my post re: dude hitting on me? ROFLMAO!!

I'm having SUCH a fantastic day.

I woke up late after having a wonderful ten hour sleep (thank you Sleep Eaze D). I did 50 minutes of yoga, which is always wonderful. Then I watched a movie with my man on the couch, snuggled.

Now Doug is here. We just finished dinner, which was Korean Beef for them, and a terriyaki pork loin for me. I had one ounce of KB as well (one bite tastes like the rest, right?). Everything was oh, so yummy.

Logan is doing dishes, Doug is playing Guitar Hero, Steve is watching Beuwolf, and I snuck in here to post a perfect moment. It's so nice to have my whole family together, everyone having fun and enjoying life in this moment.

I hope you had a moment like this in your day today.

Now, I'll get back to it...

Made Up for Valentines

Awe! Steve actually went out and bought me Easter stuff! A little egg that says "some bunny loves you" and a small container of Cadbury's Eggs. SO unpredictable!! He's never done that before!

And because I'm in so control of my eating, I wasn't even upset about the fact that he bought me chocolate. I know that I can indulge, but not go overboard.

I'm just so impressed with his sweetness!

Today's Run

4/1 x 8.

I way prefer daytime running. It's so nice! I got home just after four today, so I was able to squeeze a run in before dinner. Since I missed it yesterday, I'm glad I did.

My lung capacity is definately down. I did 5 km, and feel just as winded as Monday.

I got hit on while running! And let's face it, noone looks their best when all slicked out for excercise... lol. Some guy was walking his dogs around Westview, and i was in my Set 5 walk. I was watching his Shelties, when one spotted me, woofed at me, then circled around behind him and peeked out from behind his legs. I laughed and said "that's a pretty cute scaredy cat you have there". He responded with something like, "yeah he's pretty tough, just like you". At that point my watch be-de-beeped so I started running. He yells after me "hey, no need to run away!" I pointed at my watch and yelled back that it had beeped and I had to go.

So of course, this gets me thinking. Thinking "I like not being invisible!" I like that I receive male attention again! It's been a long time, and I really missed it. I'm a flirt by nature. That part of me was definately repressed under all that weight.

She's baaaaack!!

Not tonight dear, I have a headache...

I've been hit! I'm down! Medic!!

Woke up this morning with no voice. Now I'm all "Barry White". Went to the doctor, it's not strep... yet. He gave me a perscription in case it turns into strep.

I'm layin low.

Wow. I impressed the SHIT outta myself!!

I was totally nervous about tonights run. 6/1 x 8 plus 5 walking on each end makes 66 minutes. Yikes! Last time I attempted 6's was on the dreadmill, and I then decided I was not meant to run. It was pure unadultered hell.

Tonight? Not so hellish! It was a balmy 7 degrees out, with no rain. I started out slow to pace myself, and after the first two sets was all warmed up nicely. I toured new neighbourhoods, and took some lovely little sidestreets that I've never explored before. It was nice! By the sixth set I was pooping out, but knew I was so close to success. The seventh set was the hardest, cuz I was TIRED. The eight was brutal, but it was the last one! I really worked hard (it's uphill) to keep my pace steady, not clench my fists, pump my arms front to back instead of crossing over my chest, hold my head up high, keep my spine straight... and I did it! I finished strong!

And this time I remembered to bring my pedometer. Got to my back gate and looked at it 7.109 km. Yep!!

Right on!!

Friday's Run

Great again! 6 degrees, so really crisp. Had to wear a long sleeve shirt. Tonight was 2/1 x 12. Nice and easy.

Monday will be harsh... 6/1 x 8. Last time I had sixes it was brutal. Mind you, it was on the treadmill. Hmmm. I'll letcha know.

Sun Run Training Tonight

It was great! The night was 9 degrees, with no wind. I did 3/1 x 7, and I did a good strong run. I picked a new route, down past Westview, past Kyros' and a little further, then back. It was great! No big hills, except that gradual incline on the way back up the school road. But I paced myself and made myself run strong.

It makes a huge difference running on the road vs the sidewalk, as that book says (thanks for lending it to me, Sam!) The sidewalk is brutal on me, where the asphalt is a little more giving. This was prolly a huge part of Sam's discomfort when we went running with Crystal that night.

I'm tired and sore, but definately in a good way. Off for an epson salt bath!

Sick, sick, sick

And twisted!

I did a 52 minute session. 5/1, and I did it in the rain. And it was WAY better than anything I've done on the dreadmill. I think I just hate the dreadmill.

Don't get me wrong, I'm still giving up running like this after the Sun Run. I'll only run if I feel like it. But it was an interesting lesson tonight, that's for sure.

Sigh

Life with a teenager... what to do....

So Steve tells me that he came home to find the back door closed, and assumed Logan wasn't home yet. But then he sees Logan's shoes. Goes and knocks on his door, and Logan is home. Steve goes out for a smoke, and Logan comes out and tells him that he was so tired when he got home that he went for a nap... and oh by the way, the girlfriend is at the front door wondering if she can borrow a bike to get home fast.

Like we're stupid? What a fucking idiot.

So what to do? How to deal with it? Is grounding effective? We cannot govern the home when we are at work. He blatantly disrespected the noone in the house when noone is home rule.

Gah. I hate boys.

I'm NOT saying I like it

But apparently, it's running on the dreadmill that is killing me. I did my run today (4/1 x 6) outside again, in the sunshine, and it *swallow* wasn't so bad. Yes, my hips hurt, and I'm sure they will kill tomorrow, but with all I have on my mind, it was good to get out and exert myself. And it wasn't HALF as bad as Monday on the machine. I'm thinking I need to get out more.

Speaking of "all I have on my mind". Logan had to have an EKG today. Watching your child be hooked up to a heart moniter... not cool. The doctor listened to his heart today and said that it was beating irregular. He had collapsed in school today when standing in the hall. Just fell against a locker and slid down. The nurse felt his pulse was irratic, and his pupils were not responding in a way she liked. So they called me and dropped him off at the care clinic.

Then, we're ate the BioMedical Lab, and the EKG is being done, and the tech askes him about his pain. He tells her that today's was different, it was the first time he had that pain. The other pain is when he breathes too deep sometimes, it feels like his lungs are crushing his heart to his chest. Quote unquote. How long has this been happening she asks. A couple years, he responds. I'm sitting in the corner with huge eyeballs. This is the first I've heard about this, I tell the techie. Logan says "it always went away so I didn't think it was worth saying anything to anyone". Gawd!!

So because he's only 14, the test has to go to a pediatrician, and they will call us in a couple of days.

The waiting begins.

omg... SO fucking awkward

So, here we are in the living room. Picture it. Logan and Kirsten are sitting in my spot on the couch. Doug on the floor facing over the coffee table to the love seat, Grant facing the couch, and me on the loveseat. Somehow Grant, Doug and I go off on a tangent. We turn to the couch, only to see Logan completly lip locked with her. Completley lip locked with bodies as close as possible. Doug's reaction? Threw a book at him. The scene then consisted of death eyes glaring him down, with one enunciated word. "Inappropriate."

Doug's later statement: "I was raised that if you see something you haven't seen before, throw a rock at it. I look over and see my little brother making out. I've never seen that before. I didn't have a rock. I threw a book."

Gawd.

Fish and chipped, Dude. Seriously. I mean seriously. Dude.

Logan's Moment

Logan spent the night at a friends last night. He left me a note after the dance. It said:

Hey Mom, the dance was great. I got a new girlfriend. Her name is Kristen. We had our first kiss and a half hour later is was french kissing, so... I'm at Aarons.

LOL!!

158.4

Yep, you read that right.

I was posting to WW about my results and realized that I have not been in the 150's since 1989, when I lived on River Road and had my slut year. (Good year, that one).

Anyway, I'm in the middle of posting, figure that out, and burst into tears. 1989. That was 19 years ago. I am right now the skinniest that my sons have ever seen me (that Doug would remember).

I'm sitting here trying so hard not to bawl. I'm so afraid of going back and being a statistic. I can't do it. I have to keep at this. I cannot fail. I cannot do that to myself. I feel so good now. I feel womanly. I feel sexy. I feel noticed. I need to keep focused on those feelings and remember that I am WORTH IT.

I worked hard this week. I took a good honest look at my portions and listened hard for satisfaction from my body. I didn't keep eating because it was there. On core the challenge is knowing when you've had enough, and I do struggle a little bit with that. My body doesn't naturally sigh like it's supposed to. I think all that extra weight had stifled it. It's coming back, though. Slowly but surely. It's like Sam's doctor said. Your body had to adjust to the weight. It now has to adjust back. It's a slow procedure with aches and pains in the process, but it'll happen.

I'm so proud of me. I am .6 away from having lost 50 pounds. That is a huge amount of weight, and I've done it smart and healthy over a longish period of time. Statistically speaking, I'm definately on the right track. And because I'm so aware (read: afraid) of putting it back on, I know I won't.

Plus I have an amazing support circle. We have to keep each other accountable. It's about living healthy and living long. We need each other. I need them.

Okay, I'm getting seriously maudlin. It's just that I've been waiting for the 150's for weeks. I can't believe I'm here.

It's Official

I'm wimping out tonight. My feet hurt so much I can barely stand on them, let alone run!

I hereby do solemnly swear to do my run sometime this weekend.

Struggling

I'm totally struggling today. I'm not in a great place. Feeling very quiet. Work has me stressed to my maximum capacity and I feel like I'm gonna blow. Or crumple. And I don't know which one will be worse.

Then, I'm cleaning out one of the bins and I find a sandwich baggie FILLED with chocolates. Mini Hershey's bars, Mini Coffee Crisp, and others. I actually held in in my hand, waffling back and forth. I wanted to stuff them all in my mouth at once. I didn't. I put them in the cabinet. The cabinet is right across from my desk (as is everything in this office).

I'm on an emotional roller coaster, and those chocolates are calling me. However, I know that they will not taste the way I want them to, as my taste buds have changed dramatically. I know that I will beat the shit out of myself if I consume the empty calories. I know that it will be a step backwards in my fight to control my own self. So I'm not doing it.

But I'm struggling.

That SUCKED

Okay, so no more going to the gym to do the Sun Run Training. That sucked cocks in hell!! I need wind, outdoors or TV. And there is no compromise on the wind. It was so smokin hot in there!

I will definately go back on non-run days. There are so many things there to do.

I'm still sweating.

Blah.

Great Run! (Yeah, I said it)

Seriously, though. Today's scheduled run was 5 min run, 1 min walk. I couldn't face doing it on the dreadmill, and didn't want to trudge around the track by myself. So I took myself out in the glorious sunset, and off I went! I went down 216 to 122. 122nd to whatever street Julie lives on. Down past her, and around to the street Emelios used to live on. All the way down there and past Rory's house. Turned up where Sam and I used to go when we walked down Laity and up thru to 216. Stopped my sets half way thru the thru area, and walked all the way back up home! It was GREAT!!

TV Mourning

So, I made a decision this weekend. I'm giving up Brothers & Sisters.

A moment of silence...




I just don't have time for all the tv I have taped. I had to let something go, and I'm not willing to give up Denny Crane. I love me some Boston Legal. Much as I like the show B&S, I had four episodes to watch, and I am not willing to spend that much time in front of the tv! That's what got me fat in the first place, was sitting on my ass staring at that damn boob tube.

Steve made me watch the premiere for Knight Rider, which could end up being a good show. But I won't watch any more episodes, cuz I don't want to get sucked into another show. Same with the Sarah Connor Chronicles. And others that he has started watching. Thank you for sharing with me love, but no thanks!

I have to admit, the guy in Knight Rider is HOT! As is the car... although the voice sucked. The CGI when they are driving was pathetic, and the acting was poor at best. But then so was B&S at first, too. I think this show will come into it's own. I would just rather be outside than watching it.

However, when Big Bang Theory comes back, you'll find me on the couch!

It was a good weekend!

I had such a great weekend!

Saturday I spent some lovely time chatting with Sammy in my quiet house, then had my hair done. Then I spent some great time with Alyssa when I took her to visit Ashley. I got to spend a bit of time with Tracy (although I'm wondering if I'll ever get to visit her when it can just be the two of us... lol). We came back and had KFC for dinner (YUM!), then went over to Crystals and picked out dresses, which was productive and fun.

Sunday I took a long walk (1 hour 39 minutes) down to the care clinic in the SuperStore. I had a spot on my back that I was worried about, because Steve said it had changed. Turned out not to be a mole. The doctor froze it with nitrogen. When I asked him what it is from he said "years of sun exposure and too many birthdays".

Okay, let's tangent about THIS for a minute. Lindsay almost smacked me on Sat, when I was talking about turning 40. It freaks me out, dude! She almost smacked me cuz I said "the only time 40 is considered young is when someone dies and it turns out they were in their forties. Then people shake their head and say 'they were so young' ". That's the only time forty is considered young. Which means? OLD. I'm turning 40, and I just had an age spot removed from my back. Gah!!

Okay, back to positive!

So I had a Saturday full of bad foods... okay not full. I had chicken fajitas at McD's and KFC, and some of Crystal's yummy homeade pizza. Sunday was pretty good. I had poached eggs on toast with avocado. Then Subway for lunch. A banana at the Care Clinic. Lean Cuisine Pizza Bites for a snack (not great, but not awful), and a totally core dinner of pork chili. THEN the leftover chili, I added another can of tomatoes, and a handful of barley, and let it simmer longer. This will be dinner tonight, overtop of sketti squash, and any leftovers will be my core lunches!

I have to go veggie shopping tonight on my way home, I'm thinking. Hmmm. I'll have to make a list. I have to do my meal calendar, too. Gah! I'm running out of time to do stuff!!

Oh yeah, another thing I did was spend $23 to save myself $80! I bought a stripping comb and groomed Morgana. The comb made ALL the difference in the world! She was so good! I stripped her whole body including her mustache and she sat thru the whole thing. It took about four hours on Sunday afternoon, but man, it was so worth it! She looks like that puppy again. And this will save me $80 two or three times a year! I've tried stripping her by hand before, but it was an awful experience for both of us. This was WAY easier with the comb. And she doesnt' hate me!

WI

... sucks. Ya ya ya, I know what I said yesterday about inches and body shaping and blah blah blah. I also said I was tied to the scale.

Actually, I laughed at myself this morning. Steve had to get up and go to class, so I got up to pee at 6am. Stepped on the scale and it read 162. I went back to bed.

I got up again at 8am and started my wi dance. The end result was 160.8. So I 'm up .6, but whateves, right? RIGHT?

I'm getting my hair done today and can't wait. Then I think I'll go visit Tracy and bring her the BL books. She asked me if I was done with them and I practically want to THROW them at her, I'm so excited that she's going to read them... lol.

I plan on having a good day. And now I'm thinking I'm hearing some banana custard oatmeal calling my name.

Duuuuuuuude

I'm really starting to think I'm on a real live plateau. I stepped on the scale this morning only to have it read 161.2. That's up a whole pound! And with having two extra workouts this week!

While a portion of my soul is frustrated, it's a very small portion. Mainly because I'm wearing a pair of the pants that Crystal gave me today, and I couldn't do them up when she gave them to me a month or so ago. I know my body is changing shape, which is important. I know that my body is getting IN shape, which is the goal. I should NOT be tied to the scale like that damn commercial. You know the one... where they are walking along with a scale manacled to their ankle. Yeah, that's me.

So... keep plugging away! I'm certainly not giving up. I've worked too damn hard. And hell, if I have to maintain at this weight for a few weeks, so fucking what? It's better than maintaining at 208!! I've lost close to 50 pounds. That's one hell of an achievement. I look amazing! THAT's one hell of an achievement! My husband is always smiling. That's one hell of a perk!

I'm getting good at these pep talks, huh?

Feelin Good Today

I had a great day yesterday. Or should I say, I CREATED a great day yesterday. It could have gone horribly wrong depending on my attitude.

I got released from work early, and on the drive home was contemplating what to do with my lovely three hours. I decided to go to Value Village and have a good long browse. I get there, reach for my purse and it's not there! I actually left it at the office! Drat! Now what?

Well, I wasnn't about to drive all the way back to the office and then fight traffic all the way back home (my office is a good hour from home). What to do, what to do...

I went home, cleared out the living room, and did my yoga dvd! Great fun, and it's getting easier (this was my second time doing it). Then I did my Sun Run training, but only two thirds of it cuz my body was screaming.

So I'm very happy with my decision to save my day and not be upset about forgetting my purse. I feel doubly good having done a double workout last night. I've been OP most of the week. I'm looking forward to the scale reflecting my good behaviour, as I seem to be bouncing within the same couple pounds for the last six weeks.

Tonight I'm going to do abs & weights, and tomorrow it's back to the Sun Run training.
Phew!!

BTW: I thought my mom was funny last night. She phoned me to see if I was on crack. She had read my blog about my bridesmaid dress and didn't realize that I had already decided to get it taken in. She thought I hadn't taken the fact that it's a size 16 into consideration... lol.

Updates!

Well, it seems that my body has finally calmed down after the vitamin fiasco. The headaches are still there a bit, but the rest of my body is slipping back into feeling normal.

Last night's Sun Run training was 5 minutes walking, then 9 sets of 3 minutes running and 1 minute walking, followed by 5 minutes of walking to cool down. Holy SHIT. By the seventh set, I was ready to quit. I pushed my way through, and was incredibly proud of myself! Tonights sets aren't as tough, thank goodness!

I've been cruise shopping, and I don't want to get too excited yet, but it's all looking very exotic and good! I'm thinking I'll have to save a thou or two for spending money and excursions, but I think I can do it. It isn't the cost of the cruise, it's the extras! They add up!! Plus, I need to get cruisewear for myself and Steve. There are four formal nights onboard where the men need tuxedos or suits. I can always use my bridesmaid dress and my Emcee dress, so I'm ahead by two already. But I definately see a lot of shopping in my future!

NSV WOOT!!

I went to Reitman's today to find a white dress shirt. I hate shopping when I have an agenda,because I never find what I need, and I end up hating myself.



Today I found two fantastic shirts, and one of them is a MEDIUM!!!! And then I found a blazer on the clearance rack that was an 11 and it FIT!!!!!



Live is freakin fantastic right now!!

Vitamins from HELL

I purchased the One A Day Weight Control vitamins, because they have green tea extract, and a huge amount of some of the vitamins needed.

Bad.

One should google these things FIRST. For example, did you know that these vitamins affect some people with certain side effects like a constant headache (had it for two weeks now, even get woken up with it some nights, it's so sharp), nightmares, dizziness, and nasuea? The nightmares have been driving me crazy! I haven't had a decent night sleep in two weeks!

So I didn't WI last week OFFICIALLY. However, I did jump on the scale. I had gone up to 163.4. GAH! That's the confession. I completely committed myself to losing it this week. I was downright determined to hit 150's. This is where the Boo comes in. The Boo and the YAY is that I lost 3.2 lbs this week! I'm at 160.2lbs. Another Yays is that I took my measurements. I had to do my waist three times cuz I couldn't believe the number. I've lost three inches in my waist in the last month, since January 19th. In total, I've lost 26.25 inches off my body! 3.5 of them were this last month! This makes me so glad I'm doing my measurements. With the scale not being my best friend, I needed that NSV. Also, I measured my rib cage, and I'm down to a 36. Time to go bra shopping!!

I hate Valentines Day

Why do I hope? Every year, I hope THIS year will be different, and MAYBE he'll do something new or romantic or *gasp* both.

Nope. Same flowers. Same no going out for dinner. Same no gift. New bottle of wine (can't drink it... I thought I had made myself clear how strict I'm being with my diet this week. Grrrr).

Gawd. Lucky he's cute.

Epiphany: I really AM okay!

First: AWESOME workout on the track. I missed the fresh air! It was tough. I was telling Crystal that I guess I’m getting used to doing the majority of my workouts lately on the dreadmill, so the track is harder, where it was vice versa in the beginning. We walked a couple extra laps after being done the workout, then I ran from the school to Dewdney. I feel fantastic!!

Now: Okay, I'm typing off the top of my head, so bear with me if I wander around. I'm a fast typer, but I think a bizmillion times faster.

Last week I was in a conversation about "dealing with the six year old". As in when you are faced with a situation where your past issues/feelings/situations come up and take over your body, and the person you are facing is no longer facing a rational adult, but is dealing with the abused six year old. I was saying that I really don't find myself in that situation, and this was basically the conversation:

"I think it's because I've dealt with things."
"Or you've stuffed them."
"Maybe, but I think it's more because I've dealt with them."
"OR they are well stuffed."

Maybe not the exact words, but the gyst is the same. My point being, I dropped the subject because I was so incredibly offended by the conversation, like I had been slapped in the face. I felt like I was being projected upon, and was in fact dealing with the aformentioned six year old, and that no good was going to come from arguing the point. Mainly, too, because I couldn't articulate satisfactorily WHY it was that I felt I was being projected upon.

Then I watched Biggest Loser last night. Jillian's team had counselling. Long ago I had a conversation with Steve about how most people that I talk to have hidden behind their weight or used their weight as an excuse for things (he left me cuz I'm fat, not because I'm not loveable). I've not felt that I could relate to these issues. I honestly felt that the reason I was fat was because I liked the way food tasted, and so I ate it! A lot of it! Because it tasted so good in my mouth, it didn't matter to me that I was full to bursting... I had to have a little more. You get the point.

So ANYways... last night watching BL, and every one of them had something happen in their childhood that traumatized them. Okay, so did I. Every one of them had self loathing. The counsellor was dealing with one of the men who had been abused and was vehemently telling him that his abuser was the one with the issues, and that it wasn't his fault, he was NOT a bad child.

DING DING DING DING DING!!!!!!

All of a sudden it's all clear to me! I stopped the tv and turned to Steve and said "that's it!".

You see, back when I was in my very early 20's, I had a couple of conversations with my ex SIL, Louise. I found out the why of why my mother did what she did to me. I know the reasons. And I know that it wasn't about ME. I know that it was her issues, and that yes she did bad things to me, but it wasn't my FAULT. I have been able, over the years to take that knowledge and truly deal with my childhood. This is why it doesn't jump up to bite me in the ass very often. In fact, rarely.

I am a good person, and I deserve good things, and I am loved, and I am loving, and I am loveable! I know these things. I know that my childhood was an unfortunate thing that I lived through, and was strong enough to get past and actually feel sorry for my mother. She had a rough, terrible life, and she chose the wrong ways to deal with it. Again, it's unfortunate that it was me she dealt wrongly with, but luckily I have the genetics I do (thanks Mom!) and I was able to get past it all, and understand.

So I can honestly say that no, it's not stuffed. Yes, there were blank spots in my childhood. Hell, there are blank spots in the last ten years. It's not concious. It's age... lol. Anything I remember, I can look back on and say "that's so sad", and it's like it happened to someone else. Because it's not me. It's not who I am today. And it wasn't ABOUT me. And it wasn't MY fault.

Yes, I still have issues. Abandonment issues, for sure. Death issues, you bet. But as for my childhood and the six year old? Man, that's so 30 years ago!

Workout Mania

I am determined to lose the weight I put on last week. Monday I killed myself on the dreadmill, after Denise Austin kicking my ass on Sunday. Tuesday I didn't excercise, but stayed completely OP including water. Today I've done 15 minutes of weights, and after supper I'll do my dreadmill Sun Running. Not sure if I'll do anything tomorrow, being Valentines.

Speaking of which! My DH is such a doll. A dolt, too, but a doll none the less. He asked me (at LEAST he asked me first!) if he can get us desserts for Valentines dinner. He wanted to get Baskin Robbins Black Forest Sundaes. I told him that while I thought he was incredibly sweet, not only does it not appeal to me at ALL, but I am really working hard not to sabotage myself this week, so while I appreciate the gesture, if he really wants one, Logan can be his Valentine for this confecture.

Yay, me! NSV!!

Procrastination... it's an art.

So I'm totally dreading getting back on the dreadmill. I am a week behind my girls at Sun Run training, and HAVE to jump back in!

Sigh.

I'm suprisingly less sore than I was yesterday from Denise Austin kicking my ass.

Oh! I wore a skirt today! I don't remember the last time I wore a tailored skirt. It's been years and years. Lindsay says to me "you should be wearing them, look at them legs!", to which I replied, looking down at them "well, I just found them, you know". When I gave Steve shit for not doing laundry and forcing me to wear the skirt cuz I had no pants, he threatened to throw all my pants away!

I love my people!

Now I'm going to the dreadmill. I said I'm GOING. Get off my CASE!

Gawd.

It's not a tumour!

I just read a website that totally relieved me!!

I have been getting headaches, and my dreams have been out of control, and it's all because of the vitamin I am taking! I just purchased the One A Day Weight Control to give it a try. I started using them on Monday. The slight nagging headache started on Monday. The last week had been chock full of vivid dreams, and not great ones, either. Turns out these are side effects of the vitamins! Weird!

Good news: It's not a tumour. (said in best Arnie impression)

Confession Time

So, after my big proclomation from the mountaintops last week, I totally flubbed this WI. In fact, I didn't even do it. After being incapacitated from a bum toe, and only doing measly weight training and ab workouts to make myself feel that at least I'm doing SOMETHING, I knew my WI was gonna be bad. Then I found out I was going out for both lunch AND dinner on Friday... so I thought fuck it.

Yesterday (Sat) I took a food vacation day (although I told Steve to suprise me with chip flavour when he went to the store and he got me Old Dutch baked chips. They aren't great, but they reduce the crunch monster nicely for WAY less calories and fat).

Today I am OP. Had a banana, then did the Denise Austin dvd (see previous post and take note of the "ow"s). Then I made a frittata with zucchini, broccoli, portabello, egg whites & ff cheese. I had a big glass of water with it, then finished off with a steamed milk with banana extract in it, frothed with that dandy little frother Sammy found me at Ikea (Woot!!).

Next I filled the crock pot with dinner for tonight. I put in three chicken breasts, a can of low sodium blue menu diced tomatoes, low sodium blue menu corn, a chopped onion, a chopped zucchini, some oregano and some garlic. I will serve it over spaghetti squash... or whole wheat pasta. Not sure yet.

THEN (god, i'm a good girl, huh?) I prepped my lunches for the next week. I baked three chicken breasts, chopped my veggies for my oily salad, and put them in their proper containers (now I can just add my oil and soy cheese and go). I prepared four desserts for my lunches by putting a package of ff/sf white chocolate pudding in two cups of ff plain yoghurt. Portioned it out into the containers. THEN I did the same with my cottage cheese for the week.

DAMN! I'm so organized, and it's not even NOON yet!!

I'm gonna spend the rest of the day lounging. I plan on having a looong bath, reading my prevention magazine, goofing online, and just generally taking it easy.

Peace.

ps: Doug got a job! He's a part time sales clerk at Warehouse One. It's a foot in the door, and he's over the MOON!

Ow Ow Ow Ow, Yay Me, Ow Ow Ow!

I bought this dvd a while back (Denise Austin Yoga Fat Burn), but hadn't tried it yet. Today I thought "let's giver a go".

Holy shit.

It was not that it was hard, although I sweated a bit, lemme tell ya. I should have WATCHED it first so I knew what was coming next. She completely lost me in one part when things started moving faster.

What a workout!! There are for sections, and you can do them all, or you can choose which ones you want to do (I liked that option). The four are "fat burn", "leg sculpt", "ab sculpt", "yoga relax". When you do all four, its 50 minutes.

Today I did them all. That was two hours ago. Now my hips and abs? Oh yeah, baby, I can feel em!! When I was done I thought "not so bad". I can tell now that I'm gonna hurt tomorrow... lol. I am also glad that I did this for the first time now, when I'm in pretty good shape. There is no way in HELL that I coulda done what I did today, 50 lbs ago. I am way more flexible and strong now. And I still couldn't do all the poses like she could.

I will definately do this again! Then again, I'll wait to see what tomorrow brings before I say that... LOL.

Woot! and BOO!!

Woot!

I talked to Lorne last night for an hour or so. Nothing has really changed for him. He's very happy, single, and feeling useful. He's well known and loved in his community. I'm really happy that I connected with him.

Boo!

I am NOT going to have a good WI tomorrow. : ( I'm going out for lunch with my team today, to the Keg for dinner tonight, and I've had ONE workout this week, outside of some weight lifting and ab stuff. I popped on the scale this morning to find I'm UP 1.2 lbs.

Ah well, I'm still totally on track for my goal date, which is August first. It's all good.

My groin muscle is a bit tender today. I spent 35 minutes on the treadmill last night, with two stints of running at 4.5 for four minutes, and a ten minute stint of walking up a steep hill. The rest was ten minutes of warm up and cool down, and then fast walking at 3.5 mph. At least I feel like I did something!

Pea Soup and Other Thoughts

So I saw a recipe for pea soup. And it's core! So I made it in the crockpot overnight. Then I thought "that's too thin... needs more peas". So I dumped in another bag and let it cook while at work. I came home last night to a pile of pea soup. Okay, it was still in the pot, but I swear, I coulda turned it upside down and built a castle with it. Holy thick soup, batman!! Added water, and now I have a ton of pea soup. AND, I don't like the spice in it. It called for thyme. Apparently, I'm not fond of thyme. Who knew? I think I'll "gift" some of this to Sam. Hee hee hee.

My toe seems to have healed. Just a twinge now. Weird. I'm going to do my running on the treadmill tonite and see how it goes.

I'm all alone in the office this week. On the one hand, it's nice. On the other, I'm totally swamped.

Okay, now I'm struggling to find things to say.

I'm out!

Happy Monday!

After Superbowl yesterday, and chinese buffet on Saturday, I was afraid to step on the scale this morning! My WI is on Saturday, so I'll just stay completely OP until then and cross my fingers!

We went skating yesterday, to offset some of the chilidog damage, and I think I really hurt my foot. It feels like a bone might be broken or sprained on the top of my foot leading into my middle toe. Hurts like heck! I'm going to the clinic in Brentwood Mall at lunch to have them look at it. As I'm in Sun Run training, I want to take good care of my feet.

I couldn't do the treadmill this morning because it hurt so bad. Hmmmm. Wish me luck at the doctors.

WI

I'm up .2 which I'm sort of okay with. In the respect that I expected it. You cannot make stupid muffin and doughnut decisions for TWO days, just before WI day and not expect it to show on the scale. Plus with my groin muscle pulled, I skipped my morning runs, so my excercise was cut in half this week.

Damage control is what I did.

Not this week! Next week I'm going to be in the 150's dammit!! That's my goal!

Looking forward to today!

Well, it's 6am and here I sit in front of the computer with the coffee burbling away. Jeeeez! My internal clock is rather rigid! My eyes popped open at 5:41. LOL

So after consulting with everyone, I have done the deed with Logan. Kristy had a faboo idea about earning his way off grounding. So he is grounded to his room, with no tv, video games, phone, computer, or social life. He is allowed out to go to the bathroom, grab his meals, do the dishes. The only other reason he is allowed out is to do household chores. When he does one, he writes it on a list on the fridge. I decided based on that list, when and what he has earned back. But I'm not telling him what chores to do, that's up to him. It's HIS responsibility to earn his freedom back.

Stay tuned... he could be in there for a while.

TGIF!

I'ts Friiiiiiiday! Happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy happy dance!!

I went to Safeway last night to get some top up groceries for today. I bit the bullet and bought some unsweetened apple sauce. In the past, this stuff has been a major yuck for me. So, I tried it. It's AWESOME!! Now that I'm on core, my sweet buds have pretty much disappeared, so this stuff tastes like a super sweet yummy treat to me! Happy happy happy happy!

I was getting tired of my blueberries so I bought a mixed field berries blend of frozen fruit. Happy happy happy happy!

I did my workout last night on the dreadmill and felt GREAT afterwards. A little twinge from my groin muscle, so I didn't get up this morning and run, but that's okay. I've made plans to meet Crystal at the track at 7:45. I'm hoping Sammy will join us, too. She'll prolly need to sniff and see if there's any snow out there before committing. Either way, I'm working it tonight. Happy happy happy happy!

Logan is about to get the grounding of his LIFE. After we had a big blow out over him being late on Thurs last week, and I grounded the shit out of him, I let him off early cuz it snowed. Then the next time he went out, he was supposed to be home for supper at six. He phones at 20 to seven to say that he wants to eat dinner later. NO, you are supposedto be HOME at six. "I called at six" he says. Didn't leave a message and SOMEHOW thought that I would be okay with all this despite my NEVER being okay with it EVERY time he pulls this. So last night, he asks if he can go out. Yes, I tell him. Be home by 9:30. So what does he do? He phones at 9:28 to tell me that he won't be home till 10 cuz he has a ride. I'm screaming into the phone "you're fucking KIDDING me. You are NOT phoning me when you are supposed to be home to TELL me that you are coming home late" then I slammed the phone down cuz I was about to get severely abusive. Then the fucker doesn't even come home until 10!!! I'm taking his tv away, his phone, his computer, and he's going to be grounded to his room for an entire week with NOTHING. I phoned Doug for his advice, and he tells me I'm being to nice and that Logan is walking all over me. No more. Sad sad sad mad sad. i am, however letting him off on Sunday because of a preplanned family event.

I'm OP today, and doing the happy food dance, and super stoked for lunch tomorrow, and the fest on Sunday! Can't wait to go skating again! Happy happy happy happy!